breaking bard: the tragedy of walter white - a play by frank musella
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8/13/2019 Breaking Bard: The Tragedy of Walter White - A Play by Frank Musella
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Frank Musella Breaking Bard 1
Dramatis Personae
Walter White, a chemistry teacher, later Heisenberg
Skyler White, Walters wife
Walt Jr., Walters son
Marie Schrader, Skylers sister
Hank Schrader, a watchman, Maries husband
Steve Gomez, Hanks partner
Jesse Pinkman, Walters former student, later his partner
Badger, a clown and friend of Jesse
Skinny Pete, a clown and friend of Jesse
Emilio, a rogue and chemist
Getz, a watchman
Jane, suitor to Jesse
Andrea, suitor to Jesse
Tomas, Andreas brother
Brock, Andreas son
Tuco Salamanca, local drug dealer
Hector, Tucos uncle
Gus Fring, a local businessman and drug manufacturer
Mike Ehrmantraut, Guss main henchman
Victor, a henchman
Gale, a chemist
Saul Goodman, Walter and Guss attorney
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Breaking Bard: The Tragedy of Walter White
[1.1] Enter Walter White, alone
WALT
Alack! A day most loathsome and unkindServes as reminder to my impotence.
A wife with child, a child with half a mind
My sole companions oer this precipice
Of age and irreversible decline,
A fate untempered een by ignorance.
I am afflicted, but know not wherefore
A phlegm invades my lungs, turning my strength
Into a weakness childlike and infirm.
[He coughs]A birthday inauspicious and ill-met
Marks fifty years, and nil to show for it.
A noble chemist, driven to poverty,
Disgracd by my peers, now I must act
As loathd teacher to uncivil youth.
O, that I had their want of age and reason!
I would brave cruel Fortuna and her wheel
And turn my life round.
Enter Skyler and Walt Jr.SKYLER
Upon thy health I wish a full repair.
Takest thou this tincture, dutifully prepared
To bring a proper balance to thy humors.
WALT
This tincture is an ill-conceivd fraud
Prepared not by a chemist, but a clown.
Ill have none oft.
WALT JR.
And what of thy breakfast?
SKYLER
I have prepared my lord a special meal
Of bacon, made of corn and vegetables.
WALT
This Bacon is stale and derivative.
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Id sooner eat authentic fat of pig
Adorned with maggots than this counterfeit.
WALT JR.
It tastes of ash, though twice as nutritive.
SKYLER (To Walt)
Enough of thy paternal insolence!
WALT (aside)
And curse thy unrepentant shrewishness.
WALT JR. (To Walt)
Forsooth, how does it feel to be ancient?
WALT
The same as when thou art a miscreant.
SKYLER
Cease thy banter; thou hast more sense than trousers.
WALT
And all the better-looking for want of them.
SKYLER
Get dressed anon! Thy stern foreman awaits,
And doctor to alleve your maladies.
Exeunt Skyler and Walt Jr.
WALT
Ill to, and cure this foul ailment today,
Or else commit my soul to pass away.
Enter doctorWALT
What news today, my honorable fellow?
DOCTOR
None but heartache and misery, my lord.
Answer me, Walt: smoke you the stinking weed?
WALT
Nay, I am no tobacconist, good sir.
DOCTOR
Alas, the tragedy is thereby trebled.This day I am the bearer of bad news:
Your lungs are cancerous and growing frail.
No surgeries nor tinctures well-prepared
Can salvage them. You have two years to live.
WALT
Thou tellst a fairy toy.
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DOCTOR
Wherefore?
WALT
Thy collar bears the mark of mustardseed.
DOCTOR
I am a good and honest physician.
And truly sorry for your fatal plight.
WALT
Then fly with angels, begone from my sight!
Exit doctor
I am much afeardof this pronouncement
Which threats to tear me from this mortal coil
And leave my family unprovided for.
Enter Bogdan, the foreman
BOGDAN
This day grows older than your fragile bones
And yet your work remains unfinishd
As Caesars reign.
WALT
I know, mlord.
BOGDAN
Your bumbling drains my ducats by the hour!
Vouchsafe me loyalty in all endeavors.
Do you swear it?WALT
I swear, mlord.
BOGDAN
Then justify those hollow words with acts,
And kiss my boots until their soles reflect
Beelzebubs visage.
WALT
Ill not, sirrah.
BOGDANYou will, good sir, or find thee wanting work.
WALT
An twere my final breath as like today
As two years henceId face Satans visage
Rather than bear thy cruel indignities.
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BOGDAN
Thy dignity, or lack thereof, is earned
As is thy pay, befitting a common rogue.
If youll not kiss the bottom of my heel
Repent, and feel the struggle of thy lot.
WALT
Then swive thy eyebrows, selfsame in their width
And churlishness!
BOGDAN
Youll live to rue this day,
Or die a beggar, penniless, mark me.
Exit Bogdan
WALT
Alas, this is a moment bittersweet.
A torrent of abuses is undone,
But in it my finances are undone.
I need a job to work and gold to save,
Or wife and son will join me in the grave.
Enter Hank, Marie, Skyler, and Walt Jr.
CHORUS
What ho!
SKYLER
My love!
WALT JR.My dad!
HANK
Brother!
MARIE
My kin!
WALT
Good morrow, family. Wherefore come ye?
HANK
To celebrate thy birthday, gentle Walt.Thy better genius dominates thy soul
Yet plays the fool against thy aptitude.
WALT
I am insulted by this compliment.
HANK
Be still, dear Walt. I mean to pay respect
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I am a simple cop and wish no harm.
WALT
If thou art a cop, then an empty one.
HANK
Brother, I am a man most filled with triumph.
Een this morning I apprehended one:
A man, like you or me, but villainous
Had built a laboratory chemical
For manufacture of amphetamines,
Designed to rouse the mind and stir the spleen.
I confiscated his illicit goods
And rent unto the crown his heap of gold
Of near ten thousand pounds, a paltry sum.
When scofflaws earn so much, a war is on.
WALT
Ten thousand pounds! A fortune to be sure,
Is this the most thoust seizd for the crown?
HANK
The most? I should think not. It is quite common
To seize upon illicit gains this large.
WALT
Couldst thou have saved a mere sovereign or two
In honor of thy noble services?
HANKThe cash I took belongd to the state,
To turn over een a hapenny less
Would violate my duty to the law.
WALT
I sense thou art an honorable man.
HANK
My honor knows no bounds, much like thy wit.
I prithee join me on my next conquest,
And learn my honor, if I learn thy wit.WALT
I am most delighted to join thy cause
And help thee better execute thy duties.
(Aside)
A true delight it is, to learn this trade
This chemistry, illicit it may be,
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Brings many thousand pounds to feed my kin.
Ill watch the watchman keep vigil by the book,
And learn forsooth whether fortune favors the cook.
Exeunt
[1.2] Enter Walt, Hank, and Gomez, riding a watchmans carriage
HANK
At last! Our daylong journey is at end,
The laboratory yonder is our target.
WALT
Wherefore knowest thou this is a laboratory?
HANK
A noble spy, ignobly disguisd
To serve our purpose in this drug-conquest.
GOMEZ
The rogue today we have come to arrest
Has borne the alias of Captain Cook.
HANK
What is the villains land of origin?
GOMEZ
He bears the title of an Englishman.
HANK
Methinks the rogue a Spaniard transplanted.GOMEZ
Ill wager thee a crown upon his race.
HANK
A crown apiece! And now to his disgrace.
Enter a band of watchmen at one door, Emilio at the other
FIRST WATCHMAN
Scoundrel! Come out with hands raised in the air
And answer thy arrest!
EMILIOStand and fight, man!
They fight. The watchman subdues Emilio
SECOND WATCHMAN
What is thy name?
EMILIO
Emilio Koyama.
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GOMEZ
An Easterner! The wager is a draw.
HANK
Emilio his forename is Spanish,
A half a Spaniard earns me half a crown.
The watchmen lead Emilio away in chains
WALT
Could I perchance examine the laboratory?
HANK
By troth, dear Walt. Allow my men and I
To clear the scene, and follow us thereafter.
Exeunt Hank and Gomez
WALT
This fool will make a worthy sacrifice,
Whose errors will inform my better mischief.
Enter Jesse
WALT
I know thy visage. Art thou a Pinkman?
JESSE (Aside)
Alack! My ancient teacher knows I am
A captain chemical, a cook corrupt.
(To Walt)
Come you for my detention, lecturer?
WALTI am alone. No watchmen search for you
Or hinder thy escape from apprehension.
I am amazd by this transformation:
This fool I oft assailed while lecturing
For lack of wit or skill in chemistry
Today is known by watchmen through the land
As master-cook of these amphetamines.
JESSE
I know not what you mean.WALT
Een so, sirrah?
Thy carriage bears the name El Capitan
I am no rogue, but also am no fool:
You are the man the watchmen sought today.
JESSE
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Wherefore comest thou? To lecture once again,
Repeating trifling lessons of years past?
To moralize my life of knavery
And bid me walk a straight and narrow path?
Ill hear none of thy teachings, wise old fool,
Behave as blackened lead, and split from me.
WALT
I come not to assail you, but to join you.
Thy knowledge of the Albuquerque streets
Has provd most useful and made thee rich.
Alas, thy narrow brush with the watchmen
Has made thee poor, and want Emilio,
Who is imprisond een as wespeak.
I wish to wrest a victory from defeat,
And join your wicked aptitude with mine.
You play your part, as merchant and druggist,
And, by my troth, Ill serve as thy chemist.
JESSE
This is madness.
WALT
But there is meth int.
If thou refuseth me as an accomplice
Ill tell the watchmen who their Captain is.
JESSEWhat choice have I? Meet me tomorrow noon,
And we will cook a drug to make men swoon.
Exeunt
[1.3] Enter Walt and Jesse, riding a carriage
JESSE
A halt!
WALTA Walt.
JESSE
A wagon filled with meth,
To evade the watchmen and searches unwanted.
WALT
This wagon cost a sum of fifty pounds
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Most dear to me: my savings are all spent.
JESSE
Wouldst thou prefer thy son and wife to find
A laboratory hidden in thy house?
WALT
I would have you gather these chemist-tools
And bring them to thy basement, far away
From prying eyes of son or wife or law.
JESSE
My parents are a pair tyrannical
And would encumber all our plans anon.
WALT
All well and good. We have no time to waste,
My want of cash has grown most desperate.
JESSE
Then start the cook, and finish thy complaints!
Jesse throws a beaker at Walt
WALT
You fool! These beakers are all delicate
And must remain unbroken for our cook.
JESSE
Then mark me, noble teacher, for thy fears
Thou art a bitch.
WALTAye, but I am no dog.
I will remain the nimbler of our pair
Forevermore repairing thy mistakes.
Now to our work, and cease these bickerings.
They mix chemicals in glass beakers
JESSE
Thou art an artist! These crystals are most pure
And colorless; over a pound of them
Have marked the triumph of our chemistry.Join me in tasting that which we produced.
WALT
Ill never! You must here forestall thyself
From partaking in the fruit of our cooks.
JESSE
Madman! Why turn from thy schooling pursuits
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And break bad as a chemist most unkind
If not to try the product? Art thou crazed?
WALT
I am awake, sirrah, for the first time.
And eager for adventure and novelty.
JESSE
This is as like as many pigs in flight.
In sooth, what brings you here to my abode?
WALT
A newfound cancer, plaguing both my lungs
Has left me much in need of revenue.
To alchemize and reap the gains thereof
Would turn a tragedy to triumphs new.
JESSE
Apologies, Sir White. I understand
How difficult the cancer skirmish is.
My aunt was thus afflicted years ago;
I tended to her needs until she passed.
If this be intimate, answer me not:
How long thy doctor thinkst thou like to live?
WALT
Two years at most, if I decide to fight.
Or less, if I accede eternal night.
JESSEThen fight without remorse or second thought.
WALT
Een though the last result is all for nought?
JESSE
Indeed. At worst your efforts bring unto you
Valor, and more time with thy family.
At best, you find a cure before unknown
And live the full remainder of thy days.
WALTThen lets press on, resolvd in our ways.
Enter Emilio
EMILIO (To Jesse)
God give you God-den, Captain! I am free
To roam the streets, though only under bail.
Lets cook again, ere I return to jail.
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He sees Walt
Fie, fie! The watchman who attended me
As I was led to prison in my chains
Is come again to put me in the grave
With thy consent. Pinkman, thou art a rat.
JESSE
I am no rat.
EMILIO
Thy story makes no sense.
While I was being dragged away in chains
You were next door, laying with thy neighbors wife.
Thou must have known about the fated raid
Before my freedom was thus sacrificed.
And now you counsel with the architect
Of my undoing.
JESSE
He is a cook
I partnered with to craft my product again.
EMILIO
Then I am replacd! Stand and fight, coward!
This druggist can afford only one chemist.
He draws a sword
WALT
I am a stranger to the art of war,But must defend myself when so threatened.
He draws and stabs Emilio, killing him
I know not which was worse: his fencing skills
Or the polluted crystals that he cooked.
Now sell this batch of drugs we have created,
And give this common rogue no second look.
Exeunt
[1.4] Enter Walt and Skyler
SKYLER
Husband, thou lookst as pale as Death himself.
WALT
I shall be meeting him not long from now.
SKYLER
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Wherefore? Hast thou grown ill so gravely?
WALT
The doctor found a cancer in my lung
And bid me live two years, if Ive good luck.
SKYLER
Then find a doctor practiced in alchemy
And other treatments experimental
And beat this cancer back into the depths
Of Hell from whence it came.
WALT
And spend my final years in suffering
At thmercy of these potions foul effects?
Is not nobler to suffer in silence
And quickly reach my fate determind?
SKYLER
Out upon you! Thou art a husband dear
And soon to be a father to two babes.
Ill grant thee no discretion in answering
The fatal question: thou mustnt cease to be.
WALT
Alright, fair wife, Ill fight another day
And find a doctor skillful and aggressive.
Enter Gretchen and Elliot
GRETCHENGreeting, Skyler! Salutation, dear Walt!
ELLIOT
My most-esteemd partner in chemistry!
Thy contributions have provd valuable
To my business. Ducats rain from the sky
Like drops of water falln to earth again.
My honored friends have come from far and wide
To give unto me tributes and respects
In celebration of my natal day.One comrade from the east brought me today
A coat made from the fur of tigers wild.
Another wrought a golden violin
Encrusted with fair diamonds and rubies.
Hast thou brought me a gift to honor me?
WALT
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In sooth! Thy birthday cannot be forgot.
I bring to you this bowl of chicken bones
Suited to make a broth much like the ones
Which gave us sustenance in our poor youth.
ELLIOT
A thousand thanks for thy most friendly gift!
Ill honor it forever.
Walt turns away; Elliot throws the bones to the ground
WALT
I hear a buzz. Art thou a humblebee
Or rather a fierce boast in want of pity?
ELLIOT (To Skyler)
Wherefore behaves thy Walt so boorishly?
SKYLER (To Elliot)
He is afflicted with a fatal cancer
That fills him to excess with yellow bile.
ELLIOT (To Skyler)
Alack! I give to you my sympathies.
(To Walt)
The fates do smile on us, my oldest friend,
As demonstrated by this fortunate
And timely intersection of our paths.
I am in desperate need of thy great skills
In potion-craft and mixing chemicals.Thy wisdom proved a boon to me before;
Come work for me and join my fold once more.
WALT
Thy offer is most kind and generous,
Befitting a king admired through the land.
Regretfully I am like to deny it,
Fearing myself a burden and no boon.
ELLIOT
Fear not, dear Walt. Ill grant thee all provisionsRequired to make thee a most useful tool.
Thy salary will presently be doubled,
And Ill secure thy health from all incursions,
None but the finest doctors work for me.
WALT (Aside)
Methinks this fool knows more than he lets on.
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(To Elliot)
I am forever in thy debt, old friend.
Allow me several days of peace and quiet
To give thy offer much consideration.
Exeunt all but Walt
WALT
This ass imagines he can ease his sins
And buy forgiveness like some trifling toy.
I have oft cursed his name unto the demons
That guard the gates of Hell like piles of gold.
Ten million pounds his treachery has earned,
And spared me not a shilling for my guidance.
Id sooner pass a year in brazen bull
Than take this traitors loathsome charity.
Exit
[1.5] Enter Walt and Jesse
JESSE
What, ho! I am returnd from my days
Of selling crystals to degenerates.
WALT
A hearty welcome to my young companion!
Thy prompt return has furnished me with cheer.Tell me of thy success. What hast thou earned?
JESSE
Sixpence and hapenny.
WALT
Sixpence and hapenny? I am undone!
I have spurned and insulted my foreman,
Rejected offers of a doctor gratis,
And you bring me sixpence and hapenny?
O, hammer thy cruel nails into my feetAnd hang me out to dry!
JESSE
Becalm thyself!
Thou hast made my job nigh impossible
By slaying the rogue who could have served our cause.
WALT
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Is there no other skillful criminal
Who could transform our pile of drugs to gold?
JESSE
There is a Spaniard who could lend a hand
His name is Tuco Salamanca, and
He bears a most violent reputation.
This villain may perchance procure our drugs,
But great convenience bears an awful price.
WALT
Ill hear none of thy fears or excuses.
Seek this knave out at once, and strike a deal
Of cash for drugs; go to, make thy appeal.
Walt hides. Enter Tuco
TUCO
You rang of me, Pinkman?
JESSE
I come upon most urgent business,
Bearing the finest meth in all England
For your consideration and purchase.
TUCO
I know you are no chemical master.
How can as base a rogue as thee possess
A store of drugs so pure and well-prepared?
JESSEI took assistance from a wise partner.
TUCO
I see no partner! Thou hast come alone
O brave young fool, approach me if you dare.
Jesse steps forward; Tuco pats him down and produces a bag
These drugs are crystals clear! Join me, Pinkman,
In sampling these unheavenly delights.
JESSE
Ill not, Tuco.TUCO
That was not a request!
I order you to snuff these drugs anon!
Jesse inhales a small handful of the crystals
How feelst thou, insolent little knave?
JESSE
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I burn brighter than a score of suns.
Tuco inhales a larger handful
TUCO
A brilliant little imp! Ill buy the lot.
What payment do I owe you for this honor?
JESSE
A hundred pounds sterling.
TUCO
You have a deal!
Ill bring the cash to market in a fortnight.
JESSE
A fortnight? No, I need my cash today.
TUCO
The deal is done! My men will trawl the lands,
Extracting gold from pensioners and beggars
Themselves addicted to thy wholesome crystals,
And bring it thee next fortnight. Dost thou trust me?
JESSE
I do, but must be paid before I leave.
He reaches for the bag
TUCO
Cease, scoundrel! If thou needst gold so badly
Then thou shalt have it!
He fills a sack with gold, then beats Jesse with itThreat not my crystal-drug monopoly!
WALT (Aside)
My partner is in trouble. I must use
My chemical wit to salvage his raw hide.
(To Tuco)
Renownd Tuco, master of the trade
In methamphetamines. I have a deal
To aid thee in thy profit-seeking ways.
He produces a second bag of crystalsTUCO
What deal do you propose, o ancient sage?
WALT
Give unto me a hundred-fifty pounds:
The hundred for the sack of drugs you stole,
The fifty to restore my partners health.
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TUCO
Your partner? Thither mewling bag of meat?
You see his injuries, and come before me?
And bring more crystal-drugs for me to steal?
Hast thou sense at all?
WALT
I do, in sooth.
Enough to know thy summary is flawed.
These are no drugs I bring to you today.
He throws a crystal to the ground, causing an explosion
TUCO
Art thou a madman?
WALT
No, a Heisenberg
Most uncertain. If thou art foolish enough
To lay a charge and put a hand on me,
Then watch thy very corpus come apart.
TUCO
Enough! I much admire thy bag of stones.
Bring me another next week, and take thy gold.
WALT
One bag will not suffice. You must buy four.
TUCO
Four bags it is! Thy drugs will sell as fastAs courtesans, though felt twice as profoundly.
Exit Tuco
JESSE
A mad savior! We cannot cook four bags
In our laboratory presently.
Though we be safe for now, it is short-lived:
Our failure to perform these promised duties
Will make worms meat of us in just a week.
WALTI am the man who always has a plan.
Well make an alteration to our cook
And use methylamine in our pursuit
Of both survival and a newfound wealth.
JESSE
No store in town will sell methylamine.
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WALT
If none will sell it, then we must steal it.
JESSE
O, thou art not the teacher I once knew.
WALT
Lets get to work, and make our crystals blue.
With stealth and vigor, well complete our task
And carry to the carriage our stolen cask.
Exeunt
[1.6] Enter Walt, Jesse, Tuco, and Tucos guards
TUCO
Good morrow, gentlemen! But only if
You keep your word. Bringst you the drugs,
Four bags of which you promisd last week?
WALT
They are all here.
He produces four bags of blue crystals
TUCO
These crystals have turned blue
As the morning sky. Wherefore, noble chemist?
WALT
The cooking process has been greatly changedTo bring you these desired drugs anon.
Tuco snuffs a handful
TUCO
Blue, pink, or yellow! I care not what color.
Bring me more bags of these drugs every week.
Tuco exchanges a bag of gold for the drugs
(To Walt) You and I shall become rich men together.
FIRST GUARD
Just bear in mind that Tuco is thy chief.TUCO
What sayest thou?
FIRST GUARD
That thou art chief.
TUCO
Wherefore?
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Thinkst thou this clever chemist isa fool?
FIRST GUARD
No, mlord.
TUCO
Then thou think me the fool!
FIRST GUARD
No, mlord.
TUCO
Forsooth!
As if I lack the full capacity
To speak in my own name! Insult me not,
Not here, not there, not now, not ever more!
He beats the guard, killing him
Dear Heisenberg, Ill see you in a week.
Exeunt Tuco and his remaining guard
WALT
O, we are done! This madman and his choler
Could make the angered lion look like a sheep.
Lets form a plan to Christen this foul lion,
Or else resign ourselves to eternal sleep.
Exeunt
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[2.1] Enter Walt and Skyler
SKYLER
My love! I bring to you exalted news
Beyond our greatest wishes of thy health.
A Moorish doctor, famous in his land
For practicing alchemy against cancers
Has come to town and settled, in pursuit
Of undiscovered cures to thy sickness.
Wilt thou go to him, and seek his services?
WALT
I have not felt so brisk in many moons
And wish to stay the course in my pursuits.
Ill to this black-faced doctor on the morrow
And give my health unto his trusted hands.
SKYLER
Grammercy, Walt! Thou hast gained much discerning
In dealing with thy cancers ill effects.
I pray thy wisdom has been well extended
To matters of the glistering pursestrings.
Spakest thou to Elliot, thy ancient partner
To accept his timely offerings of gold?
WALT
I did so yesterday. At Tewkesbury
I did enter into his stately mansionAnd did bid him good een. And he did give
A bag of gold to me, for the payment
Of my doctors, who did promise me my life.
SKYLER
I am most joyous at this pleasant tale!
WALT (Aside)
If she learns my dissembling, I am did.
A flourish sounds
SKYLERWhat noise disturbs me at this midnight hour?
WALT
I heard no noise to interrupt our peace;
This trumpet must have been your imagining.
A flourish sounds again
SKYLER
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I hear the cry again! What nameless thing
Would come and break the silence of the even?
WALT
It must have been the lark, come to our home
To bid us wake with its enchanting song.
SKYLER
The midnight lark! Wherefore playest thou the fool
Who acts so timeless and unnatural?
WALT (Aside)
Better an innocent fool than a witty felon.
A third flourish sounds
Enter Tuco
TUCO (To Walt)
O Heisenberg! Join me this fateful night
Or show your wife thy corpse.
WALT
Ill to anon.
Head out, fair Tuco, and Ill follow thee.
Exeunt Tuco before Walt
SKYLER
My Walter, I have drawn for thee a bath
And filled it with most pleasing soaps and scents.
Art thou hither? Or art thou disappeared?
Fie me! My noble husbands gone away,Ill form a party to rediscover him
And bring him home again.
Exit
[2.2] Enter Walt, Jesse, and Tuco
WALT
For what cause bringst you my partner and I
Into your lair this evening?TUCO
A number of my men were led away
In chains by watchmen only yesternight.
I am suspicious that a double dealer
Lies hidden in my knavish company.
JESSE
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Sir White and I are righteous, honest men
Duly offended by thy implication.
We are no sellswords or intemperate rogues
Given to fancying thy quick demise.
TUCO
I accuseth not, lest thou deserve accusing.
Neerdoze, my henchman, has of late gone missing
This coward must have turnd as a traitor
And proved the instrument of our undoing.
We must away to Spain before nightfall,
And flee the watchmens oerreaching grasp.
WALT
I have a wife and child here in town
And cannot flee to Spain upon thy whims.
TUCO
Then make thyself a family anew
And cease thy most unwelcoming dissent!
Exit Tuco
JESSE
I sense this scoundrel means to murder me.
I am no cook, but witness to his crimes.
Hast thou a plan, O master architect
To gain our freedom and my life again?
WALTThis Tuco is ignorant of the truth.
His Neerdoze was found dead three days ago,
A victim of apparent accident.
There is no sellsword in his company,
None to defend the violent madman here
Excepting his decrepit, ancient uncle.
Ill seek the villains dinner of roast pig
And pour this juice of hebona oer it.
He pours a vial of liquid over Tucos plateOne bite of this pork rightly poisond
Will leave the madman dead, delivring us
From this foul shack and tight predicament.
Enter Tuco and Tio Hector
TUCO
Prepare thyselves for thy imminent journey
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And dine with me on finely-roasted pork.
Hector rings a bell
Tio! Silence thyself! Ill feed you first
To end this noise and let our travels start.
Tuco gives Hector his food
Hector throws his plate to the ground, shattering it
O, wherefore misbehavest thou, Tio?
Is thy roasted swine not satisfying?
Hector rings his bell and points an accusing finger at Walt
Do you dislike our guests, come to our home
To accompany us on our trip to Spain?
Do you distrust these men and think them foes?
He rings his bell again
What cause have you?
WALT
I can think of but one:
I did not stand to greet him as he entered.
TUCO
Is this the reason, Tio? Or does he lie?
Hector rings his bell
My uncle does not lie, you scurvy curs!
He beats Jesse and draws his sword
Forsooth, what have you done?
WALTWe tried to poison you, vile Tuco.
Thou art a foul, insane degenerate
That merits none but death immediately!
Jesse hits Tuco with a rock, then steals his sword and stabs him
JESSE
Who is the bitch-cur now, wounded madman?
Alarum. Walt and Jesse flee
Enter Hank
HANKO brother Walt, art thou here presently?
Thy Skyler sent me to recover you
And put you in your rightful place.
He sees Tuco
Een the same criminal my watchmen sought
In raiding his many lairs yesternight?
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Then stand, sirrah, and brave thy final fight!
They fight. Hank kills Tuco
My watchmen will deliver me many honors
For apprehending this abhorrent beast.
Ill bring his body thither as my proof
And hang him from the spit by cloven hoof.
Exit Hank with Tucos corpse
[2.3] Enter Jesse
JESSE
O, woe is me! My overbearing parents
Have found my beakers and my chemicals
And cast me from my home ungraciously.
No roof to guard, no carriage for a bed;
Ill need a place to lay me down my head.
Enter Jane
JANE
Welcome, thou gentle clod. My name is Jane,
My family controls these many dwellings,
Available for rent upon this day.
JESSE (Aside)
Ifaith, this pretty wench hath darkened locks
And eyes to pierce the bottom of my soul.I must procure this place while th sun is bright,
And peradventure lay with her tonight.
(To Jane)
By troth, lady, I am most interested
In thy dwelling. What costs thy residence?
JANE
A humble figure of five pounds a month.
JESSE
This home is beautiful, mlady fair,And I wish to reside in it anon.
JANE
I would be much remiss if I ignored
My diligence. What is thy occupation?
JESSE
I am a simple merchant, by my troth
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Who vends his goods in thAlbuquerque streets.
JANE
A noble salesman! Who is thy master?
JESSE
My master is a man who lives in shadow
And will not spare a word in my defense.
JANE
Thy gold is most unwelcome with no word.
JESSE
I beg you mercy! My ignoble parents
Have thrown me to the streets, with no regard
For whether I live or die. They have scorned me,
And claimed I disappoint their gentle hopes.
JANE
I know thy struggle, kindred vagabond;
My father bore the selfsame hopes of me.
I can allow you to reside in my dwelling
If thou wouldst pay me a nominal fee.
JESSE
Thy base humility is my doing!
What is thy fee, sweet-smelling flower of mine?
JANE
Thy rent is doubled, and due immediately.
JESSEThy fee is nominal in name only!
I find myself possessed of quantities
Of crystal-drugs to balance thy humors.
Wouldst thou accept a bag or two of thlike
In proper trade for this most humble home?
JANE
I can take no such trade, for my good health.
These eighteen months I have been abstinent
From my addiction to foul opiates.I want no bag of crystals, only stones.
JESSE
My stones are prized from Highland to Dorset;
I am delighted to share them with you.
They kiss
JANE
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Your gentle kiss betrays your naughty nature,
And I wish to make naught with you tonight.
JESSE
God smiles on me this day, or mayhap frowns.
Ill need a handful of this crystal strength
To have weight with you on this maiden voyage.
He inhales a handful of crystals
JANE
I am provoked by this act of imbibing,
And must take some narcotic to ease my itch.
She smokes from a bowl of opium
JESSE
I am a novice in the poppy arts,
And wish to learn from thy immodesty.
He smokes as well
JANE
How has the pipe affected thy humors?
JESSE
My years of pain and sadness are at end,
Replacd by a bliss most heavenly.
Lets put to rest the misery of men,
And here remain in this opium den.
Exeunt
[2.4] Enter Badger and Getz, dressed in a clowns garb
GETZ
Good morrow, gentle clown!
BADGER
Give you good morrow.
GETZ
I hear a buzz concerning thy profession.
Sellst thou a certain crystal for the humors?BADGER
I know not what you mean, sir, verily.
GETZ
If thou art chaste, I take thee at thy word.
But if thou sellst, I wish to buy a dram.
BADGER
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Dost thou gird me and play me for a fool?
I sellst not. Thou art a bacon-pig.
GETZ
Wherefore?
BADGER
Thy carriage is stowed yonder
Bearing false markings, like thy patchy garb.
Thou art a watchman, come to turn me in.
GETZ
I am but a jester, humble and plain
Who wishes to be rid of vile phlegm.
BADGER
Thou should have worn a garbage-porters garb
If thou wished to conceal authority.
GETZ
God keep you, rogue.
BADGER
Wherefore leavest thou so soon?
GETZ
Thy boorishness has much dissuaded me
From purchase of thy fiery crystal-drugs.
BADGER
Arrest thyself! I merely need thy vow
Of intemperance. A watchman never lies.GETZ
I am no watchman, this I swear to you.
BADGER
Then have thy dram, and wax thy blood tonight.
Getz leaves with the bag, then returns with sword drawn
GETZ
Get on the ground and cease all movements, scum!
I place you here under lawful arrest.
BADGERThis wordy paradox has clipped my wings!
A watchman never lies, and in denial
This villain fabricated, but thereby
Became no watchman, making this lie true.
Enter Saul
SAUL
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I heard thy call, and furnishd a Saul.
Allow me to render my assistance
In all matters, legal or otherwise.
BADGER
I gave no call, but thank thee, gentle lawyer.
I find my freedom much encumberd
By this false clown.
SAUL
This swan sings an alto
His first case from the womb will be his last.
Get thee gone from my sight, ignoble oaf;
Stay thy return until thy face grows hair.
Exit Getz
BADGER
Well-badgered, dear lawyer. Hast thou a notion
Of how to best secure my prompt release?
Enter Walt, hidden
SAUL
The watchmen who have badgered you today
Are most ambitious, and have more fish to fry.
Reveal thy cooks hidden identity
And all will be forgiven on your end.
BADGER
I am deathly afeared of Heisenberg,Explosive chemist of my meth-making.
I know not which is worse: whether to cross him
Or Styx, and pray my soul return again.
SAUL
A Heisenberg imprisoned is a babe
Mewling and thrashing air, but powerless.
Turn traitor now, give him no second thought.
WALT (Aside)
Alack! This lawless lawyers whinging wordsWill do me in before my cancer can.
I must secure my freedom undeservd
By means of some deceptive master plan.
He dons a false beard and approaches Saul
I come not to raze Badger, but to ransom him.
Here is the thirty pounds he wants for bail.
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He hands over a small sack of gold
SAUL (To Badger)
Thy shaggy hero comes to aid thy cause
And to deliver you from madcap watchmen.
Now take a timeless breath and stand in pause
As thy rough bondman grants me compensation.
Exit Badger
What is thy name, bushy intruding oaf?
WALT
Walter Mayhew, my knavish nephews uncle.
SAUL
Sir Mayhew! Know thy gold is always welcome
As recompense for Badgers liberty.
WALT
Will the boy spend many years in prison?
SAUL
I vouchsafe, not a day! This little devil
Has stumbled on an opportunity
To set perplexd watchmen all agog.
The Heisenberg he serves as puny druggist
Is infamous among the watchman crowd
For manufacture of a certain crystal
With strength enough to raise the rotted dead.
Rejoice! Thy nephews most unlike salvationIs pledgd in this Heisenbergs demise.
A watchmans favorite game is tip-for-tap.
WALT
This news is most unwelcome and unkind.
I fear my nephews safety from reprisals;
A villain so well-known is like to kill.
SAUL
Thy nephew is unfit to live in prison
And will become soft and emasculate.Give me thy blessing in this trade of loosing
And let thy Badger bear the gain therein.
WALT
A hundred pounds.
SAUL
What for?
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WALT
Thy discretion.
SAUL
I am insulted by this trifling bribe.
My dear integrity is worth quatreble!
Get thee gone from my office and my sight
Or join the dreaded Heisenberg in flight.
WALT (Aside)
This fool is hard of both hearing and vision.
Ill learn him well, or make a deep incision.
He removes his false beard and draws a sword
Lawman! The two souls are one and the same,
This Heisenberg is my fictitious name.
And by the blade I do but silence seek,
Ensuring that our Badger will not squeak.
SAUL
Gods me! The villain come to do me in
Has sole province to ease my clients sin.
If you want help, then give me half a pence
For purchase of my skill and confidence.
By writ of common law, I must allow
My paid clients a secret-keeping vow.
WALT
Ill spare this hapenny. Now tell me, Jew,What cunning strategy thou hast devised
To save my wretched self from punishment.
SAUL
I am no Jew; my name is false as yours,
My nature false to save a many scoundrels.
I know another man, as false as we,
Whose countenance is counterfeit to thine.
Our James Kilkelly plays a criminal
And can stand in for thy false Heisenberg.WALT
Is een thy hair true?
SAUL
Nay, a periwig.
WALT (Aside)
This lawman gives me confidence indeed.
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(To Saul)
Ill have this James, and thereby my surety.
What cost bears the pure mans illicit life?
SAUL
Some thousand pounds in cash, brought here anon
Along with one bag of your finest drugs.
WALT
I understand my freedom is not free;
Though costly, to these terms I must agree.
SAUL
A good decision from an ungood man.
Ill undertake this act of personation
Much to the foolish lawmens consternation.
Exeunt
[2.5] Enter Hank at the watchmens station
HANK
On countless nights I have remained awake,
Consumed by fear of my ineptitude,
Stoked by this wretched failure I have earned
In capturing this rascal Heisenberg.
I walk amongst the Albuquerque folk
And see the pallor in their dark, gaunt faces,Brought on by uncontrollable consumption
Of this cruel meth, blue as the morning sky.
The sight of their frail figures and wan features
Brings anguish and despair unto my heart.
Each day I fail to catch this loathsome chemist
Is one day closer to my dying day,
When I will be pitilessly remembered
For my miscarriages of handling law.
Enter GomezWhat, ho, partner! Come you as friend or foe?
A friend brings tales of gains and jubilation,
A foe brings none but shame and misery.
GOMEZ
I come as friend, dear Hank, with worthy news.
A good man, wont to stay anonymous,
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Has given us the Heisenberg we seek.
The rogue has been delivered to our station
And is encaged in chains een as we speak.
HANK
Forsooth, confederate?
GOMEZ
Byr lady.
HANK
Now, by my faith! I can sleep well tonight,
With knowledge that my cursd enemy
Lays shackled and imprisoned at my door.
Gomez, Ill kiss the ground you walk upon,
And shower you with love and compliments!
GOMEZ
Art thou my partner, or my ladybird?
Stay thy excitement, and promptly grip thyself.
HANK
My marriage means I need no ladybird,
My wife has half thy feathers and twice thy grip.
GOMEZ
I know tis true; I saw the lusty wench
She gave me half her feathers yesternight.
HANK
The maid much misses her merkin, mlordAnd bids you give it back, or be a eunuch.
GOMEZ
Ive gained much understanding of thy union;
Thou playest the gelded part masterfully.
HANK
O fiend, I am awearied of these barbs.
Bring me the hangmans noose and Heisenberg,
And Ill see which of you is better hung.
Gomez brings in the false Heisenberg in chainsWho is this miscreant? I know his face.
GOMEZ
He bears the title of James Kilkelly.
HANK
O, we are badgered wellnigh down to nil!
This fatted criminal with balded head
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Has graced our jail some score and thirteen times.
The common rogue can be no master cook!
GOMEZ
Shall I release him back unto the streets?
HANK
No, let him rot and gangrene in the feet.
I will accept this minor victory,
But our true work remaineth incomplete.
Exeunt
[2.6] Enter Walt and Skyler
SKYLER
Husband, I am concernd by thy absence.
Thou hast oft vanished from our quiet home
And been found wandring naked in the streets.
Wherefore goest thou so?
WALT
I knoweth not.
SKYLER
Thy Moorish doctor has thy frame examined,
And found no indication that thy blood
Or other humors were distemperate.
Hearest thou the midnight lark on thy adventuresInto the blackened night?
WALT
I heareth not.
SKYLER
Then thou art not affected by delusions.
Thy prior student, Pinkman, has sometime
Intruded our domain. Hast thou seen him
Come calling at our door?
WALTI saweth not.
SKYLER
You have, of late, oerpowered me with kindness,
And taken on my breakfast-cooking role.
From whence comes this unnatural substitution?
Speak unto me.
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WALT
I speaketh not.
SKYLER
Then you dissemble! Thy suspicious absence
Requires some nefarious account.
Enlighten me on thy illicit doings,
Or head to thy brewing demise alone.
WALT
These undue accusations vex my bones!
Decease these wholly slanderous inventions,
Or let thy sister judge thy harlotry.
A flourish
SKYLER
What vile accomplice visits unto me?
WALT
Death and destruction, lest you get thee gone.
Exit Skyler
Enter Saul
Well met, comrade!
SAUL
Well met, Sir Walter.
WALT
Despite our frequent meetings, I remain
Laden with debt by meddlesome doctors.My wife disdains me, and has tasked herself
With seeking out the truth of my affairs.
I fear my cooking days are at an end,
Before my true successes have begun.
I need a buyer of great quantity,
Whose clients have a want of quality.
SAUL
Marry, I have the man! A friend of mine,
Wishing to hide his countenance from thine,Hath shown great interest in thy blue-sky meth.
He runs a business large and powerful,
Hiding in sunlight rather than the night.
What quantity of drugs do you possess?
WALT
Some eight-and-thirty pounds of product pure
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Lie at my partners house. Upon the word
I can retrieve them and deliver them.
SAUL
Spare me the details, sour compatriot;
I wish to have no knowledge of thy crimes.
Go to the eating-house at Chessington,
And lay in wait for this most cautious man.
WALT
How will I find the tradesman that I seek?
SAUL
With thy patience and merit, if thou hast any.
WALT
Then let us fly, I have no time to waste.
Ill bring my rook unto thy eating-house
And wait until this agent is revealed,
Then use my furtive wit to strike a deal.
Exeunt
[2.7] Eating-house, enter Walt and Jesse
JESSE
Wherefore come we to this uncomely place?
WALT
To meet a most important shopkeeper,In aid of our pursuit to sell the drugs
That you possess in your new-rented home.
Or have you taken them all upon this hour?
JESSE
Not all, forsooth, but just enough to feel
The weariness of being here with you.
WALT
I understand now how your mother feels.
JESSEI understand why nothing thy wife feels.
WALT
Ill never understand thy cutting tongue.
Get thee a chicken, lest you want to draw
The attention and suspicion of our peers.
JESSE
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I eat no chicken, only fetid fish.
WALT
I know, by troth, your mistress feeds you well.
JESSE
How do we even know the gentleman
Is here today? Could this not be a ruse,
Designed to keep us duly occupied
While our competitor steals all our gains?
WALT
My faith is strong.
JESSE
Then mine perchance is weak,
And ill-suited to these most childish games.
Exit Jesse
WALT
If he lacked wit, he would be smarter still;
As yet, he claims a mental deficience.
Enter Gus
GUS
Is thy food well-prepared and satisfying?
WALT
Aye, master cook, thy chicken is delicious.
GUS
Then weve no further business to discuss.Exit Gus
WALT
This man is rather brusque and ill at ease,
A cool demeanor varies this warm food.
I see him stealing glances at my table,
With eyes suggesting cunning, sly designs.
Ill call him, and his patience importune.
Pray pardon!
Enter GusGUS
Do you need something?
WALT
Some fine ale, and the lending of your ear.
GUS
Here is thy ale. Impart on me your thoughts.
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WALT
Wherefore do you snub me, spiteful merchant?
GUS
I understand you not.
WALT
I think you do.
A friend of mine scheduled a meeting here,
To discourse on some private business matter.
Are you not my present counterparty?
GUS
If you wish to complain about your food,
Please speak with my apprentice over yonder.
WALT
I was informed by my associate
That I would meet a cautious, careful man.
You match this portraiture as well as I.
GUS
You do not match this portraiture at all.
Your partner came delayed and unsober,
Risking our hidden venture at every turn.
My spies have claimed this is his natural state;
Are they not wrong?
WALT
No, they are not,But his addiction is solely my concern.
GUS
You have poor judgment, and cannot work with me.
WALT
Word of my product spreads throughout the land
Faster than flood waters oerwhelmed Noah.
I have the purest crystals ever cooked,
And with my help, we can become rich men.
GUSWealth is not all that matters, Mister White.
WALT
My partners state of mind is frivolous,
And will not interfere with our employment.
You will never see him, give you my word.
GUS
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Why worketh thou with this buffoon at all?
WALT
Only a fool can bear his loyalty,
And serve as humble pawn so willingly.
GUS
How many crystals dost thou have today?
WALT
Some eight-and-thirty pounds, ready to go
With thy consent upon our partnership.
GUS
Alls well. Bring unto me thy stock remaining.
If you return before the hour is done,
Ill give you some gold sovereigns six thousand.
Exceed this bound by just a second more,
Then grace me with your presence nevermore.
Exit Gus
WALT
This merchants bearing is as cold as ice;
I sense he never makes a blunder twice.
My time is short! Ill to my partners house
And undertake this game of cat and mouse.
Exit
[2.8] Enter Walt at one door, with Jesse and Jane sleeping near the other
WALT
Sblood! My hour of need is nearly passed,
And no closer to finding my product,
Which I am sworn to give the merchant-cook.
Awake, Jesse!
He wakes
Where have you shrewdly hidden
The crystal-drugs we cooked up in our carriage?JESSE
If they are cooked, lookst thou in the kitchen.
He falls asleep
WALT
The kitchen! A place so elegant and simple
That I would never think look there withal.
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He searches the kitchen
Ifaith! The fool intoxicate has found
My salvation, een in his state of stupor.
He takes the large bag of drugs
I must to Chessington without delay,
Or let this scoundrel hold me at a bay.
He runs across the stage, tripping over Janes bed
Jane begins to choke
Zounds! I must play the doctor to this patient,
And clear the maidens lungs or must I?
Yea I mustor must not, as it were
She has done nothing wrongor has she now?
In laying with Jesse in this opium den,
She threats his life and my new enterprise
It is a sin to kill without just cause
But my cause is just, and I kill no one.
Ill let cruel Mother Nature runher course,
And give no intervention by my force.
She dies. He flees. Jesse wakes
JESSE
This slumber has proved most restorative.
He sees Janes body
O, what darkness through my closed door breaks?
What foul deceiver giveth not, though takes?It is but Death, and I have been his bringer.
I have most gravely erred in her wooing,
And through these narcotics, been her undoing.
O Death unkind, exchange me for this maid
And give her life anew, be thou not staid!
He cries. Exit
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