8 qualities shared by strong families 1. commitment 2. appreciation 3. god communication patterns 4....

8 qualities shared by strong families

1. Commitment 2. Appreciation 3. God communication patterns4. Desire to spend time together5. A strong value system6. Ability to deal with crises and stress in a

positive manner7. Resilience 8. Self efficacy

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6 decision making steps1. Define what you need or want 2. Look carefully at your resources 3. Gather information on all your choices4. Identify, evaluate, and compare your choices 5. Make your decision, develop a plan and get

started 6. As time passes, evaluate your decision and

readjust if necessary

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Intensity matrix page 46what do you think?

1. Is intimacy a goal for you?2. Is it difficult for you to be

intimate?3. In what action realm (intellectual,

physical, emotional) do you share intimacy most easily?

4. Which realm is most difficult?

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The American Myth of Love and Marriage

We Americans marry for love and who in the midst of falling in love is always reasonable?

• Because Americans tend to believe the romantic myth, numerous marriages have little other than love going for them and the union dissolves because the couple has no basis on which to build a lasting relationship.

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The American Myth of Love and Marriage

Much of the confusion of about the myth of love as a basis for marriage has to do with how love is defined.

Does it mean the same to you as it does to me?What is the difference between, loving, crushing, passion… all of it?

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Defining love The ancient Greeks divided love into a number elements

Ludus (game playing love)Storge (friendship love)Mania (possessive dependent love)Eros (physical sexual side of love)

Guess which types tend to produce negative consequences?

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Defining LoveFor the Greeks, the three most

important types of love leading to more successful intimate relationships are: • Eros (carnal or physical love) • Agape (spiritual love)• Philos (brotherly or friendly love).

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Defining love Philos, the love found in deep and enduring friendships is most important to society’s humanityWe need this connection with other people to create a successful society

AlienationCrimeIsolation Dehumanization

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Love is what you make it We each define love for ourselves

In lasting relationships, the partners must come to a mutual understanding of what each means by love

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Love is what you make itIntimate self disclosure- opening your self up can lead to getting hurt

Intimacy dilemma- love is always an adventure because danger is involved

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Love is what you make itIndifference is the opposite of love

When hurt occurs the lover may react with hurt or hostility

However someone who just doesn’t care wasn’t in love

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Love is what you make itThe indifferent person exercises more control over the relationship.

Principle of least interest

The most loving person in the relationship is more vulnerable and, therefore, often goes to great lengths to placate and please his/her mate

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Love is what you make itThe concept of love has been feminized in America

Men vs. womenLets talk about us vs. I provide for youWomen use sex to get loveMen use love to get sex

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Gender differences in love Men are less willing to marry without being in love than are women

Once a woman commits herself, she tends to become more expressive than he is

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Gender differences in loveWomen tend to take more time to love and commit themselves to a relationship than do men

Women generally seek emotional relationships, whereas men tend to initially seek physical relationships

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Theories of love Brotherly love- friendshipMaternal love- unselfish interest in your partner, placing your self secondMature love- all of that plus a sexual response

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Mature love 4 basic elements 1. Care2. Responsibility 3. Respect 4. Knowledge

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 1 The Rapport StagePartners are struck by the feelings that they have known each other before.

They are comfortable with each other, and both want to deepen the relationship.

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 2 The Self-revelation StageThe partners share more intimate feelings.

This deepens the relationship because such sharing is only done with special people.

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 2 The Self-revelation StageSelf-disclosure is associated with increased commitment, mutual trust, and feelings of love.

Women are more likely than men to reveal their thoughts and feelings

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 3 Mutual DependenceAs sharing becomes more intimate, a feeling of mutual dependence develops.

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 3 Mutual DependenceFalling in love provides a sense of very rapid expansion of the boundaries of self. There comes a feeling of loss when the partner is absent.

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The Wheel as a Model of Love

Stage 4 IntimacyThe partners experience more intimacy and need fulfillment as they deepen their relationship.

Emotional support Sympathy

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Elements of Loveintimacy, passion and

commitment• Nonlove: Absence of all three

elements.

• Liking: Intimacy without passion or commitment.

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Elements of Loveintimacy, passion and

commitment• Infatuation: Passion without

intimacy or commitment.

• Romantic love: Intimacy and passion without commitment .

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Romantic Love The confusion between romance and love causes great trouble in forming long-lasting intimate relationships

We often fall in love with our own romantic ideas about someone rather than the real person

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Romantic Love Are you a romantic or a realist?

Let’s take the survey on page 70-71

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Romantic LoveBecause romantic love is such an emotional arousal it is difficult to maintain

When a person confuses true love with romantic love you will constantly be disappointed

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Love versus likeIt is probably more important to like someone than it is to love them if you are going to live together for an extended amount of time

It is easier to like and love someone you who makes you feel good

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Love versus likeWhat research tells us Page 74-75

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Love Falling in love is grand

Staying in love is hard work

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Companionship loveWith time, the emotional excitement of passionate love tends to fade into a lower key emotional state of friendliness and a deep attachment

The fact that love changes over time makes it no less important

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Companionship loveIf enduring love is to evolve from a passionate love, the relationship has to be nurtured

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Love in strong families Many families take each other fro granted until something happens to upset their routine.

Love in strong families Respect and appreciation- you cannot appreciate if you do not respect

Vicious circle- a pattern of behavior in which negative behavior provokes a negative reaction, which in turn, prompts more negative behavior

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Unrealistic expectations Many of the difficulties we experience in our interpersonal relationships stem from conflicting attitudes and unrealistic expectations rather than from specific behavior

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SocializationThe process of passing society’s values on to new members that begins at birth.

Talk about the girl in the cellar

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Developmental Stages• Self-Love Stage: Infancy and Early

Childhood

• Attachment to significant others

• In order to love we must be loved

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Developmental Stages• Parental Identification Stage: Early

and Middle Childhood

This is where children learn the masculine or feminine role that goes with their biological sex

Sex vs. gender

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Developmental StagesGroup Stage: Late Childhood and Preadolescence

Elementary school each groups sticks to themselves

Cooties?

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Developmental Stages• Heterosexual Adult Stage

• Heightened awareness of the opposite sex and some knowledge of what love means and how to display it

• Love map- guides you to fall in love with one person and not the other

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JealousyThe state of being resentfully suspicious of a loved one’s behavior toward a suspected rival.

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Envy Represents a discontent with oneself and/or desire for the possessions or attributes of another

Elicits more shame, longing, guilt, denial, and a sense of inferiority

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Quick Quiz

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1. Love that includes intimacy and commitment without passion is

a) Familial Loveb) Companionate Lovec) Empty Loved) Liking

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Answer: b• Companionate love is a strong

bond that includes intimacy and commitment without passion .

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2. The process of passing society’s values on to new members is

a) Codingb) Modelingc) Brainwashingd) Socialization

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Answer: d• Socialization is the process of

passing society’s values on to new members.

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3. The Greek term for brotherly love is

a) Agapeb) Philosc) Erosd) Storge

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Answer: b• Philos is the Greek term for

brotherly love.