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14 MAGAZINE | 15.07.12 | THE OBSERVER

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THE OBSERVER | 15.07.12 |

THETERNATIVE

IDE TO THEOLYMPICS

Exhilarating. Gruelling.

Emotional. Watching the Games

can be a real endurance event.

But were here to help. The next

ten pages contain everythingyou need to know to navigate

the greatest show on earth.

Except, you know, the sport

the greatest show on earth.

cept, you know, the sport

PhotographLeander Baerenz

I find it frustratcommentatooverlook the the Olympic aubecome fixatedwork the comput in, how th

for years, this is the pinnacle of t

blah. Hang on a sweet minute. WFor the next few extraordin

will be bombarded with a farrthat under normal circumstannever watch. Ever. So its a quejust enough homework so that ykey words at your disposal, andnuggets of Olympic knowledge teric the better. My current kilthe exact length of the modern determined by the distance betwCastle and the Olympic Stadium1908 Olympics. In your face, Ph

Another trick is picking ouathlete from each sport (the mname/country the better), andexpert on them. I say expert their Wikipedia page to memoyou start banging on about hois that South Korean fencer Namanages to overcome her dimi

in a sport dominated by the talook at you with a renewed resp

Make it your business to warounds of events. People who jfinals make me sick. Glory huntwant to be doing is sitting throuof swimming heats in which sfrom Ecuador loses by two lenthen nod sagely when the commabout form, and uses phrases sexit and easy passage.

Finally, indulge in a spot of Plaas popularised by Kenny Dformer Liverpool manager team play, he jumps for everkicks every ball from his littlside of the pitch. I like to take to my front room. I air-row duing. I squat and thrust duringlifting. I fall backwards on tRobbie Grabarz fosburys over t

And its exhausting. Integrate Olympic viewing routine. A fropeople jumping up to spike the savolleyball! Whats not to love?

By the way the last Olympic gbe made entirely from gold we1912. You can have that one for f*TheGreekfellawhoranfromMarathonto

THE INSTANT EXPRICK EDWARDS KNALL YOU NEED TO


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After Beijing, I was invited on the Jonathan

Ross show. This time, Im aiming for WhoDo You Think You Are...

At my first Games in Sydney it was: Ivegot a bronze, thats fantastic, Im 20 yearsold, Im going to go and enjoy myself.

In Beijing there was just sheer relief thatit was all over. The minute it was overI wanted to get as drunk as possible andthen get home to my children.

Its really odd when its over.You spend

all this time together as a team and theminute its over everyone disbands and doestheir own thing. Youre all sick and tired ofthe sight of each other. Plus, everyone has tostart making amends to their other half fortheir marriage that has been falling apart forthe past two years.

A I t ld I t i bl

THE OLYMPICS

THE BELLS, THE BELLS!WHY CAMPANOLOGY IS

THE NEW OLYMPIC SPORT

ITS NOT ALLABOUT THE BIKE

BRADLEY WIGGINSON LIFE AS ANOLYMPIC CHAMP

OK, not in the strictest sense, even ifcompetitive bell-ringing makes just as muchsense as synchronised swimming, rhythmicgymnastics or trampoline. But the oh-so-traditional pastime has been given an unlikelymoment in the spotlight at London 2012.

As part of the Cultural Olympiads NewMusic 20x12 project, Howard Skempton

has composed a special sequence,

appropriately entitledFive Rings Triples. Ringersthroughout the country

are encouraged to giveit a go, especially during

high points - such aswhen Britain winsa medal. All you need

to do is follow thesimple diagram (right).What, youre struggling?

eres plenty of dissonant,noisy fun left for you. Martin

Creed the Turner prize-winning artist who had people

sprinting through the galleriesof Tate Britain hopes everyone

in the country will participate in hisnext project, Work No 1197: Alle Bells ina Country Rung as Quickly and as Loudly as

Grid

Plain lead

Bobbed lead

Five Rings Triples

3

5

7

6

4

2

As part of the Cultuusic 20x12 pro e

as comp

appFi

thrarit

tsiW

erenoisy f

Creed winning a

sprinting tof Tate Brit


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SLUG IN HERE


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e sport of fencing, an offshoot ofan ancient European sword fightingtradition, is regulated by a system ofrules for scoring points and is verydistant from actual self-defence.In the Olympics it doesnt matter if

you get stabbed as long as youve stabbed your

opponent in such a way as to win the point.We have manuals dating from the 13th centurydocumenting fighting techniques asadvanced as those of any Eastern martialart.e method was perfectly suitedto the particular weapon (as it is inthe disciplines of pe and sabre),but when youre fighting in thestreet you have to deal withwhatever comes at you. Imsure the training of a modern fencerwould be useful in a fight, but it would

still be a shock to be faced with a sharpweapon. Modern sport fencers wearingprotective equipment know theyre safe;the awareness that you could die puts avery different spin on things.e Noble Art of t he Sword exhibition runs until

16 September (wallacecollection.org)

THE OLYMPICS

WHAT YOU CANTAKE INTO THE

OLYMPIC PARK

AND WHATYOU REALLY,

REALLY CANT

COULD A FENCER WINA REAL SWORD FIGHT?BY ARMS EXPERTDR TOBIAS CAPWELL

Strobe lightsThey add to theparty spirit, butimagine the havoctheyd wreak atthe shooting. Itsnot Laser Quest,you know

Walkie talkiesYoure thinking:but how else willpeople be ableto communicatewith each other?Are we back to

semaphore?

BayonetsAs far as antiqueweaponry goes,bayonets areactually theonly things whichare specifically

FlagsSmall ones

permitted. Unlessthey represent

a country notcompeting at the

Games. Sorry

Vatican City fans

KirpanThe Sikh dagger

has specialdispensation,

but only if yourewearing the

other fourarticles of faith

An industrial tubof sun cream

No more than750ml of liquids isallowed mean asyou like for water,

but hey go nuts

rn martialuitedin

e),

ncerould

sharpearing

yre safe;ie puts a

runs until


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22 MAGAZINE | 15.07 .12 | THE OBSERVER

For rent: six-bedroomhouse just a few minuteswalk from the Olympicstadium. King-size bedideal for entertainingvisitors. Previous residentsinclude Chris Evans, GabyRoslin and a couple of

aliens. Details from 0800820 2012 (dont phone its just for fun!).

Yes, the Big Breakfasthouse known tothe postal service asLockkeepers Cottage, OldFord Lock, and perchedprecariously on the edge

of the Olympic site somehow survived thecompulsory-purchaseorders and the bulldozers(perhaps Seb Coe wasa big fan of Down YourDoorstep). Privatelyowned, and with the sort

of location Kirstie Allsopwould die for, its nowavailable to sleep 12 duringthe Games.

Never mind the CopperBox or the Aquatics Centre did either of thembringPaula Yates and MichaelHutchence

together?We say: thecampaign tomake Zig andZag alternativeOlympicmascotsstarts here.

e

ILLUSTRATIONSROBBIDDU

LPH

There has to be an easier way to win an Olym-pic gold medal. We are a couple of days into2012 and hordes of wage slaves are shamblingback to the office after the Christmas break.The weather, on the edge of the Penninesjust outsid e Leeds, is pure pathetic fal lacy:a foreboding slate sky and now pock, pock,pock rosary bead-sized hailstones pingingfrom the heavens. Jonathan Brownlee, 22, iswearing almost every piece of cycling cloth-ing he owns; he looks more like a member ofJacques Cousteaus crew than the second-best triathlete in the world. OK, this is mis -erable today, he concedes.

Jonny, along with his 24-year-old brotherAlistair who happens to be the worlds besttriathlete works for about 35 hours a week.He has allowed me to huffand puffalongsidehim on a racing bicycle for a couple of these

THE OLYMPICS

THE U LTIMATE OLYMPIC B&BSTAY IN THE BIG BREAKFAST HOUSE,EGG ON YOUR FACE OPTIONAL

PUT YOUR FOOT WHERE YOUR MOUTH ISMASTER THE BASIC TAEKWONDO KICK

O BROTHER,WHERE ARTTHOU?

A DAY IN THELIFE OF THEBROWNLEE BOYS

Kick upwardand forwardIts all aboutspeed andpower. Andvisualising

Boris ashe smuglyaccepts thetorch

Assumethe stanceFists raised.Feet apart.Whitepyjamascompulsory

Resumethe stanceVery muchlike stageone. Exceptyouve

just takena chunkout of yourliving roomwall

Lift yourkicking legAs if youreclimbinga really,really bigstep

1 2

4

The fine for streaking at the Games is an eyewatering 20,000 The Changing of the Guard will be

PHOTOGRAPH LEVON BISS THE OBSERVER | 15.0 7.12 |

hours. Ali was supposed to come, too, but hesfeeling a bit off-colour. Already today, theyhave woken up at 6.15am and were in the poolby 7am, and after I leave they will put in a two-hour running session on the track, beforecrawling into bed by 9pm. Theirs is a relent-less routine, one made harder, youd imagine,by the relentless British climate.

The weathers the only problem, really,says Ali, as he, Jonny and I sit around theirkitchen table in the West Yorkshire village ofBramhope, attempting to regain some sem-blance of feeling in our extremities. But peo-ple ask, Whats it like making those sacrifices?And I think, Well, I havent been able to go outthree times a week and go drinking, but thatsnot really that bad. All my mates who are doingthat have got a nine-to-five job now and Im sathere going training when I want.

You might expect triathlons which, forthe Olympics, requires competitors to swim1.5km, ride 40km and run 10km to be thesport of superhumans. There is nothingremotely freaky about Ali or Jonny, however.They are wiry, maybe a little skinny, in fact, andboth admit that they would not be anythingspecial if they had only concentrated on oneof the three disciplines. They come across asoverwhelmingly normal.

Something must be working though. Ali,already a two-time world champion, consoli-dates his position by thrashing the field in theWorld Series event in Kitzbhel, Austria, inJune. A TV commentator describes him thatday as just evil. When the brothers line upin Hyde Park on 7 August, hes as close as theGreat Britain team has to a bet-your-housefavourite. Jonny, weirdly, is the man most

likely to deprive him of go ld. Theat least one of them does that iter to them who wins.

Were used to it now, says Jothing is that I dont see him asa rival but, at the same time, heand a brother. So when Alistairworld championships in Beijing ond that was great really. That w

The brothers live and train tthe cook; Jonnys the punctualbut somehow the strain doesnt very little separately, says Ali.really. It will just be strange thbike ride today, when Im not fe

We all know the fine line betand failure at the Olympics, I pothose two hours in the hail be thAli laughs. No answer is necessa

Do

Al

Brownl

their ho

moved to Whitehall to make way for the beach volleyball. e cavalry horses will use the VIP car

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