alligator lives © (short story)

8/3/2019 ALLIGATOR LIVES (SHORT STORY)

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Alligator Lives

ALLIGATOR LIVES

Even after you get to know him Nathan DeYulia is a compelling presence. Its

the eyes mainly: the same deep-set aquiline eyes attributed to Rasputin, or the

mesmerizing gaze to which the otherwise unremarkable features of Charles Manson are

as subservient in photographs as his idolatrous band of sociopaths were to the man

himself. Nathans full black beard, too, in conjunction with his six-foot, broad-

shouldered frame, tend either to intimidate or, for many women apparently, to fascinate.

His appeal to women is understandable the moment he laughs and the warmth hidden in

the depths of those dark brown eyes is ignited; you realize then that its an artists, not a

predators, scrutiny to which youve been subjected. Experiencing his sculpture, what

those powers of observation are capable of realizing in totemic or playful combinations

of natural objects with recycled materials, confirms both his extraordinary talent and the

love of life revealed in his robust spontaneous laughter.

Nathans married to an equally strong, complex, rather enigmatic woman named

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Rita, a performance artist. Theyre gradually renovating an old house in Topanga

Canyon, the mountainous area just west of Los Angeles. My wife and I, part of the circle

of friends that includes the DeYulias, have been acquainted with Nathan and Rita for

almost five years now. I thought I knew the most significant people in his life, past and

present, until we attended their annual Halloween party last fall.

Nathan, adopting the manner and appearance of the shaman his close friends feel

him to be though he normally downplays this part of his nature, invited guests, one at a

time, into his studio for a short personal ceremony which had all of us emerging a little

dazed and bewildered. In wavering candlelight and the pungent smoldering of a smudge

stick, he brushed various parts of our bodies with a feather, struck and shook a few

percussive instruments in what seemed an at once random yet somehow appropriate

manner and uttered an incantation that was apparently unique for each of us. It was all

done in a sense of both mystery and playful fun: a purification ritual as performed by

Coyote, the trickster, perhaps or some kind of aboriginal jester figure. At least thats

how I took it.

Later, comparing notes with my wife, whod gone in ahead of me, I happened to

glimpse Nathan and a woman Id never seen before, engaged just outside his studio in an

intense silent exchange so intimate that I was compelled to turn away. She was costumed

and partially masked, but something about the languid self-confidence in her posture

even in this moment of passion or distress, had convinced me of her beauty. I looked

forward to being introduced to her later but she disappeared. In what I hoped was an

unobtrusive manner I scoured their house and large lawn, Nathans studio, then the

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surrounding darkness which revealed vegetable and flower gardens, a compost pile, the

rusting hulk of Nathans old school bus and much else but no mystery woman before

the three or four acres of newly mown grass gave way on the periphery to weeds,

underbrush, forest.

I thought maybe by the time I got back to the party, shed have reappeared and,

when she hadnt, wondered why the hell I was making such a big fuss over her. It was

because of the way Nathan had looked at her, and she at him. The shared history in that

poignant tableau was as haunting as it was obvious. My good friend had been holding

out on me; that and the mystery womans faceless (non)identity had aroused my

curiosity. Bewigged and dressed in an elaborate Restoration gown, shed probably have

won the prize for best costume if thered been one. But I knew nothing about her besides

the brief glimpse with Nathan which my mind had imbued with such intensity.

Who the hell is the woman I saw with you last night, Nathan? I confronted him

by phone the next day.

...Which woman? he replied, but the hesitation had given him away.

You know who Im talking about. Marie Antoinette the woman I saw you

talking to outside your studio before she vanished into the night.

Again a pause, then: Ritas going out of town tomorrow. Why dont you come

out sometime in the afternoon and Ill tell you a helluva story? About alligators.

Alligators?

Alligators and archetypes.

Ill be there, I told him. This is the story he told me.

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It all began with me living alone in the school bus parked out back: on the road

for a couple of years just kind of cruising around, stopping at various friends houses,

staying in communities here and there. I was looking for a relationship, and a friend I

met at an exhibit of my work in St. Augustine invited me to come park in their yard in

Gainesville for a while. Immediately I had the sense that there was somebody there for

me and I thought it was Kathryn, the woman whod just invited me. She was married

so I had some trepidation about going; I didnt really want to get involved in that kind of

scene. But I needed a place to stay, and my hormones were in high gear it was

springtime so I thought okay, what the hell, its worth checking out.

When I got there it was late at night so I couldnt really see much. I pulled over

into a parking area in front of the house, and when I woke up the next morning and

looked out the window, there was this incredibly gorgeous woman hanging up a sweater

on the clothesline. I thought, wow, is this the one? Kathryns house was a duplex and the

place they had me park was right beside her neighbors half of the house, with a little

patch of woods on the other side.

Turned out the neighbor was going to riding school there and was originally from

San Luis Obispo, the same as Kathryn, so we knew some people in common. She also

had an alcoholic boyfriend she was very unhappy with, back in California. Id never

really had this kind of hit before, but I just knew this was the woman for me. Her name

was Maria its interesting that you called her Marie Antoinette last night.

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Kathryn and her husband had Maria and me over for dinner that night, and if Id

been a bird Id have had my plumage well ruffled out. I took my guitar along and played

some tunes; after all, here I was on the road with my dog and my guitar, living the hippie

dream. This was close to 20 years ago; Im sure it looked good to someone like Maria.

And Maria was by far and away the closest Ill ever come to my dream girl. If I were to

design her, thats how shed have looked. It was incredible so incredible that it put me

in a very weird space.

See, at the time I was having a lot of problems with success, especially success in

relationships. And I found out that meeting your dream girl is a very intense kind of

thing, especially when she turns out to likeyou. After that first night when I made all the

right moves before even realizing just how perfect this woman was I was

immobilized. Once it became clear that this could actually happen I was paralyzed,

essentially, unable to function in any meaningful way. So a day or two later she asked

me out, on a hike over in Parsons Prairie, a wildlife refuge of hundreds, if not thousands,

of acres. Maria had never been over there and had always wanted to do it, and of course

thats my kind of thing too. But she could have asked me to do anything and Id have

said, Sure, lets go.

Parsons Prairie is right on the edge of Gainesville, just three blocks from

Kathryns duplex. We went in through the rangers entrance, where youre not supposed

to be. There werent any signs up warning of danger or anything, only some barns and

outbuildings and a path leading into this vast subtropical nature preserve. I just assumed

Maria knew where she was going. We were walking along talking about all the stuff that

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you talk about, and in the back of my mind Im going damn, this is really happening! I

was 36 and she was 26 and just absolutely gorgeous. Thats one of the things we were

talking about: what its like to be that kind of person.

Everybodys been telling me how beautiful I am ever since I can remember,

she said. Id like to say its just gone right over my head, but thats not true. I think it

must be one of the heaviest karmas you could be born with to be a woman that everybody

says is beautiful right from kindergarten. Always referred to as the lovely Miss Storms,

the beautiful Miss Storms, whatever.

You and I both know people who might want to contest that with her, but the way

she said it really stuck with me. There wasnt any coyness in her manner or the least hint

of false modesty, that this was something shed learned to play up her beauty: you know,

like, Hey Im not only gorgeous but totally unaffected by it. I know she was sincere; in

fact I could understand what she was talking about because thats exactly whatIwas

experiencing. It was very hard for me to get to Maria as a person because I was so hung

up at the physical level. I just wanted that.

So anyway, there we were, walking along on this little spit of land, maybe 30 feet

wide at most no trees, no anything. What it looked like, if youve ever seen it, was a

giant version of the rubber material they cut gaskets from. If you cut out all these

rectangular holes and filled up all the holes with stagnant water, thats basically what

Parsons Prairie was: narrow walkways among all these ponds everywhere. The first few

were empty, nothing in them but reeds and scummy water.

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My dog Gandolf wasnt with us, Id left him in the bus; I had an agenda here,

right? Besides, Id been in Florida long enough that this had become a real issue between

Gandy and me. I had to keep an eye on him constantly because he really liked to be in

the water, and dogs are like a gourmet treat for alligators.

But after a while this little long-haired black and white dog showed up out of

nowhere. I couldnt even guess what breed maybe a collie/beagle mix, about 55, 60

pounds. It was wearing a collar, I remember that, not a stray just a neighborhood mutt.

And even though we hadnt seen any alligators yet, I started yelling and throwing rocks at

it because it kept distracting Maria and me. But it refused to go home and I started

feeling kind of ridiculous so I decided the hell with it, it can do whatever it wants. Even

though Im pretty much of a dog person, I just didnt want to deal with this one at all. I

had a real negative attitude toward it right from the beginning.

Well, as we got farther and farther out into Parsons Prairie, learning a little more

about each other all the time even though it was hard for me to concentrate at times on

what Maria was saying because of the powerful effect she was having on me we started

seeing more and more alligators. First there was one, then there were two, then five, but I

wasnt really thinking about whether they were dangerous or not because even though

Maria had told me back at the house that shed always wanted to come out here, I must

not really have heard her. I kept thinking she must know what shes doing, and she

didnt seem concerned herself, so naturally I didnt want to appear that way. I was too

focused on the job at hand: being Mr. Cool, getting where I wanted to go, which was in

the rack.

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I wont admit to being totally absorbed in that. I remember at one point coming

across a nest full of all these baby alligators, maybe a foot long. We oohed and ahhed

over them, but you know how when youre out in the wilds and you see the little one: you

thinkdamn, wed better not get between it and mom. So that kind of flashed in my mind.

And all the while this dog is tagging along bugging the shit out of me.

Eventually, after wed been walking for almost an hour, we came to this one pond

where there must have been 15 alligators, all big, Id say at least 12 feet long. When we

got close to them all but one of them slid into the water and disappeared. The remaining

one just lay there on the other side of the pond, which was maybe 30 feet across. Not far

away at all. There was an eerie kind of quality to it because, for some reason, this is

when the damn dog decides to get in the water for the first time.

There it is, swimming back and forth parallel to the edge nearest us, with the

alligator still just lying there, doing nothing, and then the dog starts swimming out a little

farther. It was very strange, almost as if the dog was hypnotized. It started swimming

right at that alligator, and I mean straight out toward it. Still, nothings happening and

were standing there watching, and Im thinking boy, if that dog swims very much farther

hes gonna get nailed yet not really believing it was actually going to happen.

But there was a point where it crossed this invisible line, and even though that

alligator didnt move, at least in any way that I could see something changed.

Something about the energy of the whole scene changed, and I knew right then. I turned

to Maria and said, That dog hes gone.

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Oh no, no, thats not gonna happen, she said, but I could see fear in her eyes for

the first time. The dog swam another five feet or so, and the alligator slid effortlessly

into the water.

Then it was almost as if the spell had been broken, and the dog realized what was

happening. He turned around and started swimming as fast as he could back toward us.

But the gator just cruised up very calmly, then arched its body I remember this very

vividly arched its body, grabbed that dog right across the middle, and disappeared.

That was it. There wasnt a struggle, there wasnt even a sound just ripples and this

unearthly silence.

What an intense experience! I can remember throwing up my arm and screaming,

Go in peace, brother! Maria was flippin out, crying she threw herself into my arms,

but at that point I was losing it. I mean it was an amazing experience just watching as

that alligator got closer and realizing, this is not TV, its real its going to eat that damn

dog.

And I wanted it to happen.

Part of me was going, what part did I play in this? With the dog swimming right

out toward that alligator, just as if it were programmed to? I started thinking about the

whole predator/prey thing, and then Maria and I looked at each other, after the initial

shock was over, and we looked around...and there we were, standing on a little strip of

land, in a maze of all these interconnected walkways surrounded by water. Not a tree,

not a rock, not a log, nothing. All at once we realized we were way the hell out in the

middle of Parsons Prairie, surrounded by literally hundreds of alligators.

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The bank we were standing on was so steep you couldnt really see what was

beneath you it felt like being on a plank above the water. You could see how on the

other side of the pond the bank dropped down to this narrow mud flat where the alligators

were all lying. It didnt make sense to think there were alligators on all three sides of the

pond we could see but none on the side we couldnt, just ten feet away.

Then you start thinking about how fast they are on land, that alligators can run 60

miles an hour or something like that. It was very intense. All we wanted now was to get

out of there alive. I could imagine turning around to see one or more of them climbing

up over the bank with the idea that were lunch. I asked myself, how would I be able to

protect this woman against an alligator with my bare hands?

At this point, right in the middle of his story, Nathan stopped talking. I knew

obviously that theyd gotten back safely, but what a place to be left hanging! ...So what

happened on the way back? I asked in frustration as he sat there with this subtle smile on

his face. And what happened between you and Maria?

Actually, aside from the tension right there at first, the walk back was

anticlimactic, he said, uneventful.

For a short time after that Maria and I had a full-blown relationship; we lived

together and did the whole thing, but it never really worked. It was just exactly like that

walk: all the components were there and it lookedlike it should have worked; the only

problem was, it was full of alligators, hers and mine. I could never relax, I mean I

literally could never relax. And she couldnt understand why. That filtered its way into

everything, as you can imagine.

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I realize now that the incident with the dog was kind of a metaphor for the whole

relationship. I should have known right then, and I think on some level I did, that I was

way out of my depth with this woman. That was the way it was going to be, with me

kind of paddling around in this hypnotized state, crossing some line and realizing it was

too late then just gettin chomped and taken down. Thats essentially the way it worked

out.

Nathan paused again and smiled ruefully, off somewhere in Parsons Prairie or the

past while sitting here in his studio. Are you going to elaborate? I asked.

Sure, he said, taking a deep breath, bringing himself back to the present, thats

the other part of the story.

I came back here because I had a lot of work to do for some art shows coming up.

I thought about canceling them and staying in Florida, and if things had worked out

between us I would have. But Maria and I knew it wasnt working. So I left, came back

here, and was living out on a friends property in the bus. About four months later Maria

called and said she wanted to come visit me. Wed been staying in touch the whole time,

so it was still trying to happen.

She drove down from San Luis Obispo, and again I got so tense and weird that I

made a total wreck of the whole thing. Shed come to spend the weekend with me and

ended up staying about four hours; just couldnt take the weirdness anymore. I can

remember sitting in the bus and looking at her: shed been on the beach all this time and

her legs were so slender and tan. She was wearing Birkenstocks, and her shoe was

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hanging off her foot and I thought, thats the most beautiful foot I ever saw on the most

beautiful leg I ever saw. This is the most beautiful woman I ever saw.

And all the time this monologue was going on internally, I dont know whatI was

actually saying to her, except that I spent a lot of time talking about my ex-wife. Heres

this woman who came to spend the weekend with me, and within minutes Im talking

about my ex-wife and how maybe it would have been better if Id had kids with her. Just

rambling on, yet it all made sense to me. I thought I was communicating, for Gods sake.

I thought I was saying, I really want to have this relationship, I really want it to work. I

was being deceived and the deception was entirely my own.

Right after Maria left, I was standing in the mud room in my friends house he

was gone for the weekend, I was there by myself and there was this CLICK inside my

head and then everything got very bright. All at once I realized that up until that point,

for God knows how long probably from the moment I first laid eyes on Maria I had

been looking at life though a gray piece of glass. Now suddenly the world had gone from

like black and white to color, from like having cotton in my ears to hearing.

And it wasnt just that; it was as if I had literally not been in control of myself. I

thought back to the conversation that had gone on for the previous four hours and heard

what Id been saying and what Id been doing basically telling this person, Get out of

my life, pushing her away in tears and not realizing it, not realizing at all until that

audible click. Thats what got my attention, more than my vision clearing up: this shift.

It felt like something had let go of me, like Id just come out of a trance, like I had

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literally been possessed and something else had been speaking through me, thinking for

me. Thats the way the whole relationship had been: almost robotic.

But when I heard that click, everything cleared up. I realized what had just taken

place: not only had I messed things up once before, in Florida; here Id had my second

chance and done the whole thing again except that instead of taking weeks, this time Id

compressed it all into just a few hours. I couldnt believe it. I jumped in my van and in

about half an hour blew up the engine,driving a hundred miles an hour from one back

road to another trying to figure out which way shed gone. Im glad I survived that part of

it.

You know, I dont tap into rage very easily, but Ive never felt anything like that,

before or since. It felt like a life and death struggle. I was either going to take back my

life or I was going to fight until I couldnt fight any longer. I was nuts. I was really,

really nuts.

The rest of that weekend, one entire night and the whole next day, I spent being

insane. I was literally marching around the house, screaming, Get out! Get out! at the

top of my lungs, nonstop. I felt like something had taken control of me and kept me from

what at that time felt like the Holy Grail. Id found my dream girl and she was, going,

Please, please, take me, accept me. Ive been waiting for you to rescue me, and I just

pushed her away. Didnt realize what was happening until it was too late.

When it was all over that click, then the clarity, and then realizing...that was one

of the big turning points in my life. Because after being up all night and all day I was

so hoarse I couldnt talk by the end of all this I had actually exorcised myself or the

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demon or whatever the hell it was. It wasnt a physical thing I could cut out; it was

something that had to be psychically expelled. Since then I may have lost a little ground

at times, but that really was like taking control of my life.

Nathan had been tense, leaning forward as he finished his story. Now he sighed

deeply and sat back in the chair. I felt myself relaxing as well.

...So what do you think it was?

He gave me a look as if asking in turn, How deep are you going to make me dig

into this? but I sensed that he wanted to carry it through to the end, wherever that was, if

I was willing to listen. I was more than willing.

I have all kinds of theories, he said. A lot of people now are into spirit de-

possession. If there is such a thing as having spirits hang on to you and fuck up your life,

thats as close as Id ever want to come. Its possible that in lesser situations, before

meeting Maria, whatever it was that didnt want me to have my dream had never needed

to be that extreme, so Id never seen it. But coming so close this time forced whatever

was in me to reveal itself. Another way of saying that is, I was so programmed to believe

I would never have what I really wanted in life, the prospect of actually getting it threw

my defense mechanisms into overload.

And then I wonder about the karmic implications. The level of energy between

Maria and me was intense right from the beginning. All our interactions always had that

kind of...it wasntflow energy, it was very static. Incredible potential but it couldnt

move. I felt like that came from me; Maria was outside, pounding, trying to get in, but I

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was behind this heavy smoked glass. So maybe what we experienced was some kind of

archetypal confrontation: a couple of archetypal energies working off their karmas

together.

He smiled at what must have been my rather (or very) skeptical expression. The

whole thing did seem very metaphorical, he said matter of factly. At this point it isnt

inconceivable to me that that might have been Marias function in my life: to be so much

of what I really wanted that she would force whatever it was out. My life has certainly

been very different since then.

But what about Maria? I persisted. Whats happening with the two of you

now? Why was she here last night?

Nathan smiled again, this time with a sense of irony rather than melancholy or

nostalgia. Because Rita invited her she knows the whole story. To tell you the truth,

though, I was surprised Maria came; theres certainly nothing going on between us now,

even though we still talk to each other every once in a while. I do have some regrets;

thats something that will probably be with me to a certain extent for the rest of my life.

Not that I want to try to rekindle it, but just wishing Id been a little more there when it

was happening.

And I think it was just as horrendously disappointing for Maria, because she

really was looking for a way out. Soon after our last aborted attempt at a relationship,

she went back to her alcoholic boyfriend. They were living in somebodys house in

northern California, and he burned to death when it caught fire. She barely escaped with

her life. I wondered then if that could have been me.

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So thats still another theory I have about the whole thing: that this evil spirit

which had deprived me of my dream girl was in fact my guardian angel, protecting me

from the same fate.

Maybe this last revelation was finally one too many; in any case my mind went

out of focus, I found myself mentally fatigued all at once. Nathans face appeared

unfamiliar to me. He was his shaman self again; in retrospect his story seemed almost

incantatory.

Looks like Maria has it together now though, he said. Her new boyfriend was

with her last night; they seem good for each other. She works for one of the airlines in

San Diego doing quite well apparently.

But that day in Parsons Prairie...I knew then somehow, on some level, that that

was the myth right there, and we were all going to live it out together. Somehow I was

that dog, swimming toward the alligator. I knew it was going to be...the end. In a way,

though, it turned out to be really just a beginning. For both of us.

THE END

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alligator lives © (short story)

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