all or nothin'... with love

All or nothin’ ... with love

B L A C K J O H N

(final draft 2/9/14)

2 | P a g e ” a l l o r n o t h i n ’ . . . w i t h l o v e ” b y b l a c k j o h n 1 / 9 / 2 0 1 4

All or nothin’... with love

Foreword:

1. Calling 911

2. Where is the love?

3. She comes with love

4. Sweet sweet love

5. The prize

6. When dreams collide

7. And now I know

8. If it all go’s to shit

9. Destiny

10. My script, your song

11. Self Immolation

12. We got love

13. I ring the bell

14. I ain’t got nothing for you but love

15. If I should die

16. Which one?

17. Am I worthy?

18. Who will dream?

19. The Break-up

20. Whisper

21. Darkness calls

22. Now I understand

23. We three jelly beans

24. Something more

25. Sentenced to love.

26. What about god?

27. I took a photograph of you

28. Too close to call

29. Is this my heart or yours?

30. In


31. Heart Language

32. Happy Birthday

33. Rules of engagement

34. Crash landing

35. Pieces of you

36. I didn’t ask for love

37. This earth

38. I awake in tears

39. This is love

40. The bull is dead

41. You need no bridge to conquer me.

42. Will you cry with me

43. ”No!”

44. Love decides, not us.

45. The curve

46. Hemlock

47. Sweet elusive subterfuge

48. The royal canal

49. We are already, one.

50. The end

Epilogue:


Foreword:

One and a half billion seconds (ish), 17,797 sunrises, 17,798 sunsets, 200,000,000

litres of air @20% oxygen utilising on average 5%... about 5,000,000 litres of pure

oxygen, or the best part of 1 big ash tree. In addition, about half an Olympic

swimming pool of water consumed. This algorithm of my existence- the sum of all I

am or ever was, in simple terms.

In return I have produced 18 metric tonnes of excrement- ¾ of which was water, not

a bad return as usage go’s, what ya think? That figure, as of yesterday morning (I

know I should eat more fibre). Interestingly, I have smoked 420,001 cigarettes, which

if I’m not mistaken makes me about quits with the tree regarding carbon dioxide

containment (that is of course if i don’t get cremated). And come to think of it, a

least half of that fluid intake was alcohol- so actually, I am probably pure water

positive.

And was it worth it I wonder, did I earn my noble passage or trade away existence for

some other fool’s obsolete pipe dream? Not a bad exchange overall, I feel. In truth, it

looks as if I may be in credit, I am pleased. And before some asshole suggests that my

airline miles somehow affect my carbon number, I checked with the airlines... they

were flying anyway! So basically, to save this planet from the wanton destruction of

the selfish (those who don’t get drunk or smoke excessively) we need a lot more guys

like me. So will you tell me how much you are worth, retrospectively? Sorry to pry,

but I really am interested in finding out. Many trees were permanently disfigured in

the production of this short book, so it’s only fair... ya get me?

It is in the wind, the difference-

in those who choose to view.

Hawks, hernshaws or saws

do not give a flying fuck-

If they’re mistaken,

or are mistaken.

They know,

bird rule.


Calling 911

Tumbleweed upon the prairie,

or deranged greed?

That’s life.

Shall I blame the stars or god?

Is man himself a contributing

factor?

Could it be all, or none

of the above- just random shit

sticking to the pan?

“This life”

A curt dispatcher interrupts:

“Hold, you’re in the queue!”

As a cold metallic recording

adds meat to the argument,

“In an emergency, press 1”-

I do...

something happens.


Where is the love?

I am on this earth

right now,

Seeking love,

but there is none.

Nothing to balance this hate

I see everywhere.

Is the battle lost, has love

already been defeated,

Am I too late?

Only in the cold dead eyes

of innocent children burned,

is there any suggestion

of eternity,

or even hope.

What have we become?

This earth appals me,

disgust me,

frightens me...

A filth infested shrine to mediocrity

and fear masquerading as power.

Those pulling strings

are weak,

I will show you,

I will go down to the mountain,

I will drown in liquid fire,

And I will show you...

Another kind of love.

Perfect in its anger,

Obedient to its master.


Behemoth!

Leviathan!

Ziz!

I command thee...

All sauropods of chaos,

Emerge from slumber!

Finish this slaughter,

murder them all...

Enter Israel!

I can no longer watch

Palestinian babies crying,

Slowly and painfully dying,

without need,

While this world watches,

Without love.

The sun go’s dark,

the dead sea swells,

the land beneath shakes.

It has begun,

Dive, take cover,

Find shelter!

But not in Israel...

for there, there will be none.

The wicked shall be hoisted,

their destiny fulfilled

By sea, by air, by earth,

by ire and golden fire.

By Behemoth,

Leviathan,

And Ziz!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leviathan

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leviathan


Golems without imagination,

called to reach a definitive

conclusion to hate.

I can no longer watch

Palestinian children dying,

calling out in vain to an earth

that simply doesn’t care.

The golems of my creation

have been summoned,

they are taking form

and shape.

What a price this world must pay,

for love.

There has always been

an easier way.

The sun go’s dark,

the red sea swells- heats!

The land beneath shakes-

Too late,

your half-assed cries of apology,

too late to beg forgiveness,

Your apathy alone

was heard.

It is done.

And on the mound of lions

shall rest their severed heads,

in dust.

My love is perfect,

As is my wrath-

my ire on fire,

taking wing...


I am dragon,

I am ready...

I am already done.


She comes with love

She comes with love to heal my wounds,

She, who could kill me.

The Queen of heaven without agenda,

the knave of spades caves in.

She comes by birthright wielding light,

And I accept her invitation.

Her love is perfect, power with stability.

Long live the Black Prince, loved.

She comes with love to heal my wounds,

and this stolen union will be forever.

Mortal now, I feel the crush of my bones,

blood flow in a heart finally beating.

It’s not every day that one throws away

one’s immortality on a whim.

All hail the White Queen, she is his love.

And He is nothing without her.


Sweet sweet love...

I made a cage for love,

inside it slept- long

into the evening.

I dared not open senses

for fear of losing everything.

When out of the blue,

drunk purely on emotion,

I braved the wilderness to weep-

creeping slowly towards

my inevitable

defeat.

It gently flung open,

inside no sounds uttered,

nothing leaped.

As I peered inside,

that which sought to bind,

I soon discovered that

it had been empty

all along.

Un-caging love,

It was I who was released.


The prize

The prize, the prize is everything.

No caveats or loopholes

required,

or requested.

It is everything,

It is love.


When dreams collide

When dreams collide, the earth

stops.

I have nothing more-

There is nothing more,

to add.


And now I know

I now know something

I dared not dream,

hope, pray or

believe in...

“All or nothing”

was the deal.

That is the deal.

Nothing more to fix or

endlessly chew,

Catch ya’all in a millennium,

or two!


If it all go’s to shit


between now and then,

what harm?

We all expect too much.


between you and I,

what harm?

Have we not loved,

Is that not enough?

Maybe easier for I,

as it only happened once.

I don’t know- I don’t care!

I loved you once,

that enough for me,

I will dine for all eternity...

on you.

Could it be that I

do not expect enough?

Do not want enough-

need enough,

Perhaps?

If it all go’s to shit,

what harm will it be?

The veil of expectation

has been lifted,

shredded...

I have seen your face,

imagined your embrace-

caught you every time

you fell...


What have we to fear?

Centuries of death

proved no barrier

to you and I,

To us.


Destiny

Destiny,

what a gamble

paying off.

I entered this game clueless.

There were rules apparently,

thank god I ignored them.

Or did I jump ship

And in that fall

be retrieved?

Destiny,

what a gamble-

what an unexpected gambit

paying off.

No longer clueless, I roam emotion

with the innocence of a child,

Over awed,

over-powered...

by love.


My script, your song...

Script...

what script?

Non-rehearsable!

This show is

non-rehearsable,

don’t ever try-

don’t care,

just let it flow...

this show,

let it flow,

let it find its own way!

There is no other way-

Non-rehearsable!

This show is

Non-rehearsable!

This life is

Non-rehearsable!

I am...

un-rehearsable

No other way,

just let it flow...

There is no bridge,

nothing to be built-

just let it flow,

let it be.

Be that better man,

that better woman,

that better child

within us all.

Within all of us...

hiding, fearing,


silently hoping-

praying for change,

Praying for peace,

just praying...

No good.

Let it flow,

let it all go-

this is all there is,

all that we need

To be happy now,

Not in some possible future.

This is no dressed rehearsal,

this is no dying dream.

This is,

all that there is-

And it is perfect!

Script!

What script?

We don’t need one.

All or nothing babe,

I am “all-in!”

Irreversibly!

Blinded by the sun

hounding love, do not

cure me of this malady-

I am in love.


Self Immolation : a deliberate and willing sacrifice of oneself by fire.

Emergency,

from the shadows.

I see you face

smile

And I am free.

This is my emergency,

leaving the darkness

For your love.

You called,

I heard...

And now I have replied.

No boundaries

for the Queen of Light,

standing un-denied.

The King of Darkness

emerges from the crowd...

This is an emergency,

my emergency,

No more the crown of thorns

piercing every thought,

No more rehearsals-

dressed or not,

I emerge, I emerge

to be with you,

my love.

Sparks crest internally,

hot liquid gassed spins-

and so the fire

begins


Self immolation baby,

imminent.


We got love

We got love by the tail,

lord knows where this go’s.

I spin through you,

You and I...

We got love by the tail,

And we’re not letting go.


I ring the bell

Light the sky,

the bell has sounded.

Shift the moon

change its orbit.

Let the sea of tides

unborn before this day

become

the earth already

wakened from its slumber.

Cry love! Love! Love! Love!

Unleash my tired angels.

The holy trinity of

godly justice,

comes.

The earth is shaking,

the dead sea boiling,

Our moon approaches

final orbit.

In this world or the next,

my love,

I will see you.

(But this one would be better)

All my love,

Blackjohn


I ain’t got nothin’ for you but love

Compromise,

I ain’t got none

No...

not for you.

Compassion,

I ain’t got none

No...

not for you.

Forgiveness,

I ain’t got none

... not for you.

All I got is love girl,

And that’s all I got for you.

Excuses,

I ain’t got none

No...

not for you.

Blame,

I ain’t got none

No...

not for you.

Lies,

I ain’t got none

No...

not for you.

All I got is love girl,

And that’s all I got for you.


I ain’t got compromise- I don’t need none

I ain’t got compassion - I don’t need none

I ain’t got forgiveness - I don’t need none

I ain’t got excuses - I don’t need none

I ain’t got blame- I don’t need none

I ain’t got lies- I don’t need none

Love girl, that’s all I got,

‘cause love don’t need nothing...

But you.


If I should die

If I should die

before I take your breath away,

kill me now, it would be kinder.

If I should die

before I hear you say my name,

kill me now, it would be kinder

If I should die

before you know my love is you,


If I should die

before I taste tenderly your kiss,


If I should die

before I plunge helplessly in you


If I should die

before we synthesise with sun,


If I should die

before I see your smile asleep,


If I should die

before we cry joyful tears as one


If I should die... enough!

Kill me now and let’s get this over.

My gentle heart can take no more.


Which one

I will not take

what is not freely given.

Have I stared too long into the sun?

Have I by wilful fire been burned?

Is there no alternative to love?

Am I Icarus or Phaethon?

Dare I look up,

or down?

You choose.


Am I worthy

I scratch at the sky,

some rag and bone rat-man

nibbling on eternity...

Am I worthy?

Who am I to warrant

this radiant beauty,

a love such as this?

Am I worthy,

am I...?

She is.


Who will dream

Who will dream with me?

Who would dare make

a beggar of belief,

with me?

You must,

you simply must.

I will bow before the blackest god-

cap in hand, if I am wrong.

Sweet god,

sweet god of love

This is the way,

The only way.

I beseech thee,

take my life, my soul-

everything I love dear or hold,

Take it all if I am wrong...

Even,

even her!


The break-up

Athena,

Goddess of love,

Its over hun- I’m sorry.

I have found another

She is frail, fragile- human,

Everything that I am not.

Sorry babes, it’s over.

Forgive me, or not

I don’t care.

This man has fallen for another.

And this chasm is deep-

so deep my love,

that tears born at the dawn of time,

have not yet reached

the bottom

Hephaestus my dear...

Has left the building!


Whisper

How can I say more,

when there is nothing more

to say.

I have told you everything.

What more can I do,

when there is but one thing

left to do.

Meet me,

not half-way...

Take but the slightest step

in my direction, a single breath

or smile when you are alone,

That enough...

I will know.

I will come to you.

I will show you our eternity,

right now.

Whisper,

whisper my name

I can hear your heart beating

from here...

though I am half a million miles away.


Darkness calls

I do not want to be remembered

when I’m gone,

know me now.

My hope is that I died,

as I lived-

Un-compromised.

All or nothing,

... with love.


Now I understand

Anxiously, I wait...

my soul emptied of purpose.

I am naked before God.

Will my call be returned,

will it even be delivered?

I must believe,

or die...

human.

“Better to have loved and lost...”

Dam it, he was right.

I think?

Slowly, I am dying...

Each breath one less-

One more step towards

the eternal.

I scream to live,

deliver me lord beyond

the reach of ordinariness,

have I not been tested

enough?

No mortal man

has ever been asked,

to endure an onslaught

such as this-

It is all consuming.

My flesh devours itself...

Shall I now question love?

Might I still have that right?


I think not.

Dark is the night,

my evolution has begun.

My skin tightens

wrapped in diamonds-

supporting golden

claws.

I feel the fire

hssssssssssssss,

My spine deforms.

My blood freezes,

I am dying.

He comes...

for I have called him.

He comes...

and there shall be no shelter,

For any without love.


We three jelly beans

We three serve love,

We three have no other master.

All our love,

BLZ


Something more

Beautiful are the stolen moments

surrendering to love,

Those moments no one sees,

between a man and his god.

Between the hunter

and the hunted...

Invalidating a hollow life-

Be that prey love,

or something

more.


Sentenced to love.

I cannot not do

what is in my heart,

though it may cost me

everything.

I will not not do-

not play the part,

though it may cost me

everything.

These are my crimes

against myself.

Call the jailor,

I am condemned-

Sentenced to love.


And what about god?

And what about god,

does he not get to slip between

her sweet soft satin sheets?

To lose himself...

if only momentarily?

To taste the sacred

manifesting?

Shit,

that guy gets a raw deal.

Immortality,

full consciousness,

unlimited power...

All overrated.

Without a woman to hold,

Or be held,

What use is it?


I took a photograph of you

Every moment photographed-

not with a camera,

But with my heart.

The sounds surrounding you,

requesting presence.

The smell of rain afraid

to fall on you.

The wind crestfallen

unable to braid your hair.

My eyes torn out digesting

every morsel of light

bending helplessly

around you.

The heart see’s all.

Knows all, feels everything...

And processed stamps its mark upon it

“packaged for eternity”


Too close to call

So here I stand...

frightened, scared,

distracted.

Not of god,

Or scheming demons

plotting my demise-

but of her.

She who comes to heal my wounds

And open new ones.

And what of love I hear you say?

I have no more answers.

The coin is tossed and spinning

wildly to a halt,

Who will emerge the victor?

Too close to call- too close to call.

When death asks me my name,

I will say- “my name is love”.

Perhaps either way,

I’ve won?


Is this my heart or yours?

Is this my heart or yours

that I am in?

I am confused.

I lie down upon the earth

gazing towards distant

stars-

they are you!

Real enough to touch,

yet not.

Heaven,

is but one single breath

released and not regained...

Is your loveliness enough

to keep me here?

To hold me down?

I am fierce, I am strong.

Shall I release?

Is perfection optional

ground down?

Is imperfection?

I don’t know,

I am confused...

One cannot stand before the sun

and not get burned-

Call it or I am gone.

Fear grips, I grip tighter and

rip her from existence.


In

Between the invisible lines

rests the sacred-

emotion redefining,

Recalibrating reason without.

Heart language defies

all attempts at explanation,

presentation.

The brain does not know how.

It is the seat of knowing

without reason.

A kind of magic- soft love

between best friends.

The heart knows everything,

see’s everything...

The brain does not.


Heart Language

Do not be rash

with love-

Once I was.

The consequences

stretch far beyond mortality.

A life,

one life,

so short- shit,

barely an instant.

A moment- a flash,

shit, already over.

Do not be rash

with love...

Once, I was.


Happy Birthday

This is my gift

to you.

Not a fancy diamond,

yet it shines.

Years are short,

yet each one has a song.

I remember you as a child,

all full of love.

I watched you growing up-

your first steps,

your first words.

I saw everything,

And you were perfect.

This world is harsh

yet you did not break,

I know...

I know all things.

I watched you sway in storms,

I saw the howling winds

pass right through-

I saw...

I saw you,

I caught you every time.

And you were tuff-

you were strong,

Deserving...

Of love.


Happy birthday honey,

I love you.


Rules of engagement

There are none...

Not for love,

No, not for love.

Guidelines maybe,

but no rules-

No,

not for love.


Crash landing

Coming in hot-

no undercarriage.

Burning up, I’m burning up...

Sound the sirens-

This emergency’s landing.


Pieces of you

I hold my heart as if it’s yours,

And one day it will be-

I promise.

Such beautiful confusion.

You appear and disappear in glimpses,

at different ages,

pieces of you.

Your face, your hair- I see you.

I hold my heart as if it yours,

And I can touch you.

Almost.

I hold my heart as if it’s yours,

and I sing you to me-

I promise.

Such beautiful confusion.

I hear your voice drifting towards me,

Choirs baby, choirs-

pieces of you.

Your heart, your soul- I feel you.

I hold my heart as if it yours,

And I know you,

All of you.


I didn’t ask for love

I didn’t ask for love,

I asked only for the truth.

And god gave you to me,

only you...

You were his answer.

And you, only you...

showed me love.

God showed me love,

through you.

I wrote all of this,

to thank you,

Both of you.


This Earth

I have held my breath for long enough,

weighed the universe- its dying song,

for long enough,

this coin spins long.

Would it be better to chose another,

some random world far from here,

shade myself,

spare myself this sun?


I awake in tears

I awake in tears-

in floods.

My emotions shattered,

Splattered across dimensions.

Who is this god that can do this?

Give me your name!

I bow before you,

I fall upon your floor...

Give me more.

One single point was all required

to shift the entire earth

on its orbit.

Archimedes brother,

We’ve done it...

It was her!

It was her!

It was her!

The earth has turned the corner,

On our new orbit towards

the sun!


This is love.

Intensity beyond perfection,

this is love.

Diamonds melt,

such is the pressure-

When heat itself explodes.

The dying bull requests acceptance-

the matador has won!


The bull is dead

Everything begun has an ending.

Sometimes happy,

often not.

Everything that is...

except love.

Sometimes we win or lose

a battle or two,

The bull is strong.

A truly magnificent beast-.

beautiful,

without exception.

Powered by passion

fuelled by human need-

by human endeavour.

I wear his marks upon my chest-

still they bleed...

Seeping slaughter.

Though my wounds are deep,

she comes to heal them.

Each crying night-

I treasure.

The bull is dead,

long live the bull!

I miss him,

God loved him too.


You need no bridge to conquer me.

Your eyes shone blue last night

strutting the eternal shore,

I saw you.

I watched you walking past-

twice.

Only once your looked,

the first pass...

The second was all mine.

Blue eyes burning holes in me,

right through me-

everything!

My defences smashed,

I died.

You need no bridge to conquer me,

I am already yours.


Will you cry with me

Will you cry with me?

I’ll show you how.

Will you?

Will you accept my love,

I offer everything.

The dance is ending,

I hear the shutters drop.

The sun is coming up...


”No!”

I see you move amongst the leaves,

your breath whispering

“I am eternity”.

The trees know how

to hold your gifts,

Will I?

Stalking tenderly your presence,

without need or ambition.

They leave no imprint-

no fingerprints

or marks

Upon your perfect skin.

Will I?

Will I bring decay?

The trees ignite,

and scream in unison-

”No!”

I see her move amongst the leaves,

dancing frightened trees

to abstraction.

Her eternal trance,

My eternal nightmare

complete...

Without her.


Love decides, not us.

Love decides all things,

not us.

We but pieces moved to share

in the experience.

I attempt to bend the universe,

to hold this curve-

for love,

for you.

Love decides all things,

not us.

I stick with truth,

I always have.

That is my weapon of choice,

“Celestial madness, light speed on...”


The curve

Is truth my father or my mother-

Love with absolute power?

The door is open,

I’ve ripped it from its hinges.

Darkness flounders in the abyss,

Who will enter the stratosphere?

And who will hold

the curve?


Hemlock

Every face I see is yours,

I sip the poison weed.

Cicuta circulating chaos,

And inside my veins!

My heart is pumping strong,

And long-

For far too long.

Every face I see is yours,

I don’t know how much longer

I can take it.


Sweet elusive subterfuge

How can one miss

what one has never had?

Oh the heart, it knows no rules.

How can I bleed

though I have not been cut?

Oh the heart, it makes no sense.

How can I love

a woman I have never met?

Oh the heart, such subterfuge.

Who but a god

in partnership with heart,

could answer questions such as these?

It knows no rules- it makes no sense,

oh sweet elusive subterfuge.


The royal canal

I stamp the bank with hollow feet,

marching past contented beasts

Reverberating with

the eternal...

Fish leap, birds duck and dive,

“Blackjohn” – they say,

“He is in love!”

Everyone that matters

seems to know...

Everyone that is,

Except her.


We are already, one.

Slowly you opened your eyes,

and I was there.

This was no waking dream

or fleeting vision...

It was real.

The perfect moment,

numb.

I was not overcome-

I can’t explain.

But it was perfect.

What have we done?

All pain is gone...

my wounds have healed.

We are already, one.

You see with my eyes now,

your beauty.

You see with my heart now,

god’s truth-

His promise of eternity,

for all who firmly hold and

gently turn with curve.

He gets ya ‘round,

held like a child.

And now you know

all that I know.

And now you know,

my name.


The end

No more resistance baby,

our hearts are free.

We went ‘round the curve

together.

And took the final corner,

as one.

I look at pictures of my daughters,

and know why I did it.

This world is on the mend

my love-

I know it.


Epilogue: Forget all the smoke and mirrors...

It sits beneath the throne of my soul prepared to catch me should I fall, a ball of

energy elevating everything worthwhile. Many explore the phenomenon of love

expecting so much with little or no effort. If one hunts rabbit, one must know what a

rabbit looks like- must understand its habits and favourite places to hang out. It is

never where you expect it to be, of that I am sure. In is rarely in anyone you expect it

to be in... love is neither male nor female, it is something more. Something higher,

more profound. And should you chance upon it either by accident or design, ask

yourself one question- “Am I worthy of honouring, holding and sustaining such a

fragile and precious gift, have I prepared my mind, my body and my soul?”

Ultimately, to all those who would seek genuine love, one must find it first within

oneself... after that, it’s easy. And remember, to take it easy, sometimes. It took me

40 years to reach this point in my existence, and that small boy’s still smiling...

All my love,

Blackjohn

Folded softly in my blanket of love,

I rest peacefully, easy...

It is warm, secure,

all embracing..

My heart tingles, gently singing...

“No more pain brother, no more pain...”

Gratitude does not express

all that I am feeling,

Yet that is what it is-

that is what it is and more.

So much more.

I have reached the end, the bottom

of this deep dark chasm...

with love.

“All in baby...”

We won.

all or nothin'... with love

Documents

w i t h

o r n o t h i

love b

o v e b y b

j o h n final draft

love foreword

sweet sweet love

litres of pure oxygen