Agenda• Taking a look at our essays• Learning to identify repetitive and imprecise

language.• HOMEWORK:

– For Tuesday read SL 3-4– St. guide for ch. 3

Friday: EOS quiz 1

Voc

Commas, prounouns. Chap. 1 EOS

Next Monday:essay revision (3 copies)

This American Life

• http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/504/how-i-got-into-college?act=1 - play

Looking at first draft

Looking at opening line: hooking the reader

Did you use one of the intros we looked at in class?1. Creative

2. Action

3. Dialogue

4. Personal introduction (I used to be cool)

Don’t use some of the following

1 Avoid using quotes or questions. Quotes from non-famous people work better. Starting with a question is lazy.

2. Avoid restating the college application question in the first sentence. Not effective as a hook.

Content

• Is your essay focused on one main event/person/belief?

• Do you tell a story that explains the how or why of your topic?

• If not…find one. Make your essay specific and not a list.

Don’t Digress

Concrete detail

– Have you illustrated your examples?– Example: My dad helped me move.– “Seventeen years later he showed up with

a U-Haul rigged to pick-up his outside my apartment in Nebraska.”

Concrete detail

• “I used to be a pretty deep guy.

gives examples how: “I used to read Freud and Shakespeare…

Circle places where you could add detail

Got the feelies?

• Cut out any I felts.• I felt cold (wrong)• I was cold.(right)• I felt that it was important to say something.

(wrong)• It was important to say something.(right

Cut out gots

• Replace with strong verbs:

• I got a letter (wrong)

• I received a letter.(right)

Cut fillers

• It seems that

• It seems to me

• It is hard to imagine

Get rid of “you”

• Don’t use direct address. Replace you-s with I.

• You begin to understand the importance of standing up for yourself. (WRONG)

• I understood the importance of standing up for myself

Conclusion Dos• Expand your discussion:

1.Link your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases.

• Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs.– Honesty– Loyaty

3. Tie the conclusion back to your introduction.

If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story.

– I never did make it to Disneyland that day, but…

4.Try to end on a positive note

restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

Dont

• Summarize

• Or state: In Conclusion

…

• On back of essay write what you like about your essay

• One or two things that are giving you trouble about it.

• What do you want to work on this week?

For revision:

• -rework intro

• -add illustrative detail

• -think about oganization (beg.mid-end)

• -look at style and conventions on rubric.

Today you and I will look at different ways to revise vague statements, repetitive phrases that repeat themselves and unnecessarily wordy sentences.

Why are they laughing?

You laughing at my writing?

Make them stop!!

Revisions

REVISION

• Today we will work on revision of imprecise and wordy sentences.

Cutting out wordiness and repetition repetition repetition

• I have to admit that theater did not come naturally to me, and I remember that I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on the stage. The first time I was on stage was in eighth grade when my best friend talked me into auditioning for our school’s performance of Romeo and Juliet.

Step 1:Cross out unnecessary words and repetitive phrases

Including … those pretentious, snobby phrases:

“IT IS POSSIBLE

“IT IS A WELL KNOWN FACT…”

Step 2

• Cross out repetitive words and phrases

Step 3

• Now revise it on your own!

• YOU CAN DO IT YES YOU CAN

Your revision?

Theater did not come naturally to me, and I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on stage. In the eighth grade my best friend had talked me into auditioning for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

Vague and Imprecise Language

I like lots of things about basketball. For

one, the activity allows me to develop

abilities that will help me in future

endeavors.

(let’s trim the fat. What can we cut?)

(What words here are vague?)

Vague and Imprecise Language

I like lots of things about basketball. Forone, the activity allows me to develop abilities that will help me in future endeavors.

One step further: SPECIFICITY (SAY IT)

• Things? (what specifically do you like about it?)

• Activity? (what kind of activity is it?

• Abilities? (which abilities?)

• Endeavors (what do you have in mind?)

• "Not only do I find basketball fun, but the sport has helped me develop my leadership and communication skills, as well as my ability to work with a team. As a result, my love of basketball will make me a better business major."

Looking at a second draft

• AS YOU READ:• circle wordiness • repetition• circle “a lots”• circle “Things”• Circle vague nouns and ask writer to

make them specific. – abilities (which ones)– Talents (which ones?)