advice for living

8/12/2019 Advice for Living

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In September King began writing an advice column in Ebony, a black-oriented monthly magazine. The column ran until December 1958, and the questions King answeredranged from queries regarding race relations to those onpersonal morality.1

Question: My wife and I live in Mississippi. Our children are becoming consciousof racial diffeences. We are Negroes, but we do not want our children to grow up hating white people for the wrongs we suffer. How can we prevent this?

Answer: You should teach your children at an early age that it is both morally wrong and psychologically harmful to hate anyone. Hate does more harm to the hater than it does to the hated. You must stress the fact that the hate and injustice which have been heaped upon Negroes for many years should be met with love andgoodwill. Through such wholesome love on the part of Negroes it will be possible to solve the race problem much more speedily and create a society in which allmen may live together as brothers. If this attitude gets over to your child atan early age he will grow up with a healthy attitude toward all people.

Question: I am stationed in an army camp in Alabama. We are treated fine on thebase, but the town is extremely prejudiced. Negro GIs can go nowhere with theirwhite buddies. It makes us very bitter. How can I justify fighting for a democracy that treats me like this?

Answer: It is certainly unfortunate that men will be called to defend a democracy that denies them the basic and fundamental rights guaranteed by that democracy

. This is one of the basic contradictions of our democracy. You must believe, however, that conditions will continue to improve. Progress has already been madeand progress will continue to be made. Democracy transformed from thin paper tothick action is one of the greatest forms of government on earth, and we must have faith to believe that we will be able to achieve democracy right here in America. I would urge you not to become bitter. If you respond to the present situation that you confront in Alabama with bitterness, the new order which is emerging in America will be nothing but a duplication ofthe old order.

Question: My husband is a minister. He is a handsome man, a fact that has causedhim no end of trouble. All of the women in our congregation adore him, but someindicate that their interests are not entirely spiritual. What can he do to discourage them?

Answer: Your husband has the responsibility to minister to the spiritual needs of every member of his congregation. In order to do this he must be sure at all times that his personal life is on the highest moral and spiritual plane. If he remains on this high level of spiritual and moral dignity, even the most aggressive woman will have to respect him. Almost every minister has the problem of confronting women in his congregation whose interests are not entirely spiritual. This he is not responsible for. But if he carries himself in a manner representative of the highest mandates of Christian living, his very person will discouragetheir approaches.

Question: I hold a responsible position in my town and I am also a deacon of mychurch. Occasionally, I am called upon to attend cocktail parties. Often times,

these cocktail parties are connected with my business position. I attend, but Ialways feel guilty. What should I do?

Answer: The structure of our society has come to the point that it is almost impossible for business and professional people to avoid being invited to cocktailparties on some occasions. If you are attending such parties because it is a necessary part of your business relationships, hardly anyone could condemn you. However, it is possible to attend a cocktail party and not participate in the drinking activities. This is an individual choice which one must make himself.


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Question: My worst fault is a nasty temper. When I'm angry, I say things to those I love that hurt them terribly. How can I overcome my bad temper?

Answer: You are certainly on the right road of getting rid of your bad temper. You recognize that you have this weakness, and you honestly admit it. The first step toward eliminating any moral weakness is a recognition of a weakness to be eliminated. You should also seek to concentrate on the higher virtue of calmness.You expel a lower vice by concentrating on a higher virtue. If you will continually concentrate on the necessity of being calm and even tempered you will soonremove your nasty temper by this higher concentration. A destructive passion isharnessed by directing that same passion into constructive channels. Finally, you should submit your will to the power and scrutiny of God. Ultimately one is changed by totally surrendering his will to God's will. You cannot solve the problemalone. You must realize the need for depending on a higher power.

Question: I

m in love with a white man whom I

ve known for two years. We met atthe company where we work. I want to marry him, although both of our parents object. I know that he loves me, too. Should we go ahead and get married anyway?

Answer: The decision as to whether you should marry a white man whom you have known for two years is a decision that you and your friend must make together. Properly speaking, races do not marry, individuals marry. There is nothing morallywrong with an interracial marriage. There are many other things, however, that must be taken under consideration in any interracial marriage. The traditions of

our society have been so set and crystallized that many social obstacles stand in the way of persons involved in an interracial marriage. If persons entering such a marriage are thoroughly aware of these obstacles and feel that they have the power and stability to stand up amid them, then there is no reason why these persons should not be married. Studies reveal that interracial couples who have come together with a thorough understanding of conditions that exist, have married and lived together very happily.

PD. Ebony, September 1957, p. 74.

1. While it is unclear how the initial arrangements for "Advice for Living" weremade, King completed preliminary work on this column in July (see D. Parke Gibson to King, 22 July 1957). Lerone Bennett, Jr., a fellow Morehouse graduate and

associate editor at Ebony,facilitated work on the column by mailing readers

questions to King in Montgomery. Bennett may also have helped interest King in theidea. An advertisement for the column appeared in the 5 September 1957 edition of Ebony

s sister publication Jet, advising readers to send family or religious problems to King: "Let the man that led the Montgomery boycott lead you into happier living."

Question: Why did God make Jesus white, when the majority of peoples in the world are non-white?

Answer: The color of Jesus' skin is of little or no consequence. The whiteness orblackness of one's skin is a biological quality which has nothing to do with the intrinsic value of the personality. The significance of Jesus lay, not in His col

or, but in His unique God-consciousness and His willingness to surrender His will to God's will. He was the Son of God, not because of His external biological make-up, but because of His internal spiritual commitment. He would have been no more significant if His skin had been black. He is no less significant because Hisskin was white.1

Question: Our family has had more than its share of pain and trouble. Does God send pain and anguish to punish us for our sins and the sins of our fathers?

Answer: You are really raising the question, Why do men suffer? It is often true t


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hat we suffer because of sins we consciously or unconsciously commit. There aremoral laws of the universe just as abiding as the physical laws, and when we disobey these moral laws we suffer tragic consequences. It is also true that the interrelatedness of human life often necessitates our suffering for the sins of our forefathers. We must admit, however, that we are often the victims of pain andsuffering that cannot be explained by sins committed by ourselves or our forefathers. We must admit that there is some mystery surrounding God's being. There arecertain things that happen in our lives and in the life of the universe that wejust can't explain in rational terms. You must live by the faith that all suffering has some purpose which the finite mind of man can never comprehend.

Question: My husband follows the horses closely. He says that it is legally right to gamble, but I say it is morally wrong. Is it possible to reconcile our conflicting viewpoints?

Answer: Your husband is correct in saying that gambling is often legally right.You, however, are correct in saying that gambling is morally wrong. One should live by the principle that he will not take from society without giving to it. The orderly existence of society is dependent upon this type of reciprocity. Gambling is based on the principle of taking from society without giving anything inreturn. It is really getting something for nothing. Powerful, organized gamblingmakes for a breakdown in the structure of social life and a breakdown in the moral principles of any society. You should seek to get this idea over to your husband by patiently explaining the moral issues involved. You should make it clear

to him that a thing may be legally right and morally wrong.

Question: How do you reconcile Paul's statements on obeying duly-constituted authorities, Romans 13 :1-7, with the Negro's campaign of passive resistance in the South?

Answer: Like many Biblical affirmations, the words of the Apostle Paul must be interpreted in terms of the historical setting and psychological mood of the agein which they were written. The Apostle Paul--along with all of the early Christians--believed that the world was coming to an end in a few days. Feeling that the time was not long the Apostle Paul urged men to concentrate on preparing themselves for the new age rather than changing external conditions. It was this belief in the coming new age and the second coming of Christ which conditioned a gr

eat deal of Paul's thinking. Early Christianity was far from accepting the existing social order as satisfactory, but it was conscious of no mission to change itfor the better. It taught its adherence neither to conform to the external framework of their time, nor to seek directly to alter it, but to live within it a life rooted in a totally different order. Today we live in a new age, with a different theological emphasis; consequently we have both a moral and religious justification for passively resisting evil conditions within the social order.

Question: I believe in integration and work for it with all my heart, but I am unable to reconcile my feelings on this point with continued support of the United Negro College Fund. Am I wrong?

Answer: I feel that you are wrong in your feeling concerning the United Negro Co

llege Fund. There is no contradiction in believing in integration and supportingthe United Negro College Fund. You must remember that although Negro colleges are by and large segregated institutions, they are not segregating institutions.If these colleges are properly supported they will survive in an integrated society. Many of these colleges already have white students. It is not true to feelthat as soon as integration becomes a thoroughgoing reality the so-called Negroprivate colleges will close down. In supporting these Negro colleges we are onlyseeking to make sure that the quality and caliber of these schools are of suchnature that they will be appealing to all people.


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Question: I'm confused, I hear some men of God argue persuasively in favor of segregation and then others say it's sinful. I would like to know once and for all, with no ifs, ands and buts, can a man be a Christian and a staunch segregationist,too?

Answer: I do not feel that a man can be a Christian and a staunch segregationistsimultaneously. All men, created alike in the image of God, are inseparately bound together. This is at the very heart of the Christian Gospel. This broad universalism standing at the center of the Christian Gospel makes segregation morally evil. Racial segregation is a blatant denial of the unity which we have in Christ. There is not a single passage in the Bible--properly interpreted--that canbe used as an argument for segregation. Segregation is utterly unchristian. It substitutes the person-thing relationship for the person-to-person relationship.

PD. Ebony, October 1957, p.53.

1.Following the publication of this column, King received a follow-up question from a reader who was disturbed by King's apparent acceptance of the belief that Jesus was white: ``I believe, as you do, that skin color `shouldn't be' important, but I doelieve Jesus was white. What is the basis for your assumption that he was? King did not reply (Questions and answers for Advice for Living, 21 October 1957).

Question: My husband is one of the pillars of the church. He attends all services and contributes generously to all church activities. But when he comes home, h

e changes completely. He is a complete tyrant at home. He seems to hate me and the children, too. What can I do? He was once a good man.

Answer: I would suggest that you analyze the whole situation and see if there isanything within your personality that arouses this tyrannical response from your husband. Second, you should sit down and patiently talk over the whole matterwith your husband, showing him the unhappiness and disharmony that he is bringing within the whole family. Third, since your husband is a devout church-man, youmay consider counseling with your minister on this problem. He could probably say things to both of you that would restore the balance and stability of the home.

Question: Do you think God approves the death penalty for crimes like rape and m

urder?

Answer: I do not think God approves the death penalty for any crime--rape and murder included. God's concern is to improve individuals and bring them to the pointof conversion. Even criminology has repudiated the motive of punishment in favor of the reformation of the criminal. Shall a good God harbor resentment? Sincethe purpose of jailing a criminal is that of reformation rather than retribution--improving him rather than paying him back for some crime that he has done--itis highly inconsistent to take the life of a criminal. How can he improve if hislife is taken? Capital punishment is against the best judgment of modern criminology and, above all, against the highest expression of love in the nature of God.

Question: Is love really the solution to the race problem? Are there not times when a man must stand up and fight fire with fire? I will grant that love, as Jesus lived it, is the ultimate ideal. But it seems to me preachers ought to be honest and tell folks if they live by the turn-the-other-cheek doctrine, the sharpboys out here in this cold world will strip them and boil them in oil. Why don't you preachers admit that love, in the highest sense of the word, is impractical in the world of today?

Answer: I am convinced that love is the most durable power in the world. It is not an expression of impractical idealism; but of practical realism. Far from bei


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ng the pious injunction of a Utopian dreamer, love is an absolute necessity forthe survival of our civilization. To return hate for hate does nothing but intensify the existence of evil in the universe. Someone must have sense enough and religion enough to cut off the chain of hate and evil, and this can only be donethrough love. Moreover, love is creative and redemptive. Love builds up and unites; hate tears down and destroys. The aftermath of the fight fire with fire methodwhich you suggest is bitterness and chaos; the aftermath of the love method isreconciliation and the creation of the beloved community. Physical force can repress, restrain, coerce, destroy, but it cannot create and organize anything permanent; only love can do that. Yes love--which means understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill, even for one's enemies--is the solution to the race problem. Often love is crucified and buried in a grave, but in the long run it rises up andredeems even that which crucifies it.

Question: Our social set seems to be typical. The husbands are interested in nothing but Scotch, sports cars and girlie magazines, and the wives do nothing butgossip, drink gin and buy clothes. My husband gets along well with this group, but I don't. It seems to me that there are more important things in life. Am I being snobbish?

Answer: I do not think you are being snobbish; you are simply responding to thehighest and best in your being. You are not saying that you are better than these persons intrinsically, but that you are giving your life to better spiritual and creative principles. You are simply living by the principle that every indivi

dual is made for that which is high, noble, and good. Man is more than a dog tobe satisfied by the bones of sensory pleasure and showy materialism: He is a being of spirit, born for the stars and created for eternity. He who lives his lifeon the shallow level of the social set that you mention deprives himself of life in its fullness and makes impossible the fullfilment of his creative development.

Question: I was raised in a Christian environment. My father placed great stresson premarital virginity. Of late, I have begun to doubt the validity of his teaching. I am now 29. Over the years, I have lost many boyfriends to other girls who had a more liberal attitude toward sex. I recently met a wonderful fellow, who says no general rule is applicable to all situations. Is he right?

Answer: I think you should hold firm to the principle of premarital virginity. The problems created by premarital sex relationships are far greater than the problems created by premarital virginity. The suspicion, fears, and guilt feelingsgenerated by premarital sex relations are contributing factors to the present breakdown of the family. Real men still respect purity and virginity within women.If a man breaks a relationship with you because you would not allow him to participate in the sexual act, you can be assured that he did not love you from thebeginning.

Question: I'm finding it hard to adjust in a white school in the North. The whitestudents are either distant or so gushingly nice that it makes you sick at the stomach. The Negro students, on the other hand, divide into two groups: a minority who aggressively seek white companionship and avoid being identified as Negroe

s, and the majority who cut themselves off from the whites and associate only with Negroes. Which direction do you think is right?

Answer: This is a problem that usually arises in the transition from segregatedto integrated living. You must face this problem by dealing with your fellow students as human beings rather than members of particular racial groups. The whiteness and blackness of the skin should in no way determine the relationship. Properly speaking, a Negro should never have a white friend; he should have a friend who happens to be white. A white person should never have a colored friend; he should have a friend who happens to be colored. So you should seek to freely associa


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te with white and Negro students, realizing that the relationship is determinedby the common humanity of all rather than by race.

Question: We have seven children and another one is on the way. Our four-room apartment is bursting at the seams and living space in Harlem is at a premium. I have suggested to my husband that we practice birth control, but he says that when God thinks we have enough children, He will put a stop to it. I've tried to reason with him, but he says that birth control is sinful. Is he right?

Answer: I do not think it is correct to argue that birth control is sinful. It is a serious mistake to suppose that it is a religious act to allow nature to have its way in the sex life. The truth is that the natural order is given us, notas an absolute finality, but as something to be guided and controlled. In the case of birth control the real question at issue is that between rational controland resort to chance. Another thing that must be said is that changes in socialand economic conditions make smaller families desirable, if not necessary. As you suggest, the limited quarters available in our large cities and the high costof living preclude such large families as were common a century or so ago. A final consideration is that women must be considered as more than breeding machines.It is true that the primary obligation of the woman is that of motherhood, but an intelligent mother wants it to be a responsible motherhood--a motherhood to which she has given her consent, not a motherhood due to impulse and to chance. And this means birth control in some form. All of these factors, seem to me, to make birth control rationally and morally justifiable.

Question: I'm a preacher in a small town in Mississippi. For a long lime now, I have been dissatisfied with the way things are here. I don't think I can stand the Jim Crow and segregation much longer. But if I speak out and ignore the Jim Crowlaws, I'll either be killed or run out of town. I've been praying and trying to figure a way out. What do you think I should do?

Answer: I can well understand the predicament you find yourself in. You have atleast three choices: First, you can leave Mississippi and go to a relatively non-segregated community. Second, you can tacitly accept the Jim Crow laws of Mississippi. Third, you can courageously stand up against them and suffer the consequences. I would not suggest that you accept the first two choices. As a Christianminister and a symbol of the new Negro you have the responsibility to stand up

courageously against the Jim Crow laws of your city regardless of the consequences. The fear of physical death and being run out of town should not be your primary concern. Your primary concern should be a devotion to truth, justice, and freedom. Often this means bearing a cross, but like Jesus you must be willing to bear it, realizing that unearned suffering is redemptive. This is hard to do, butit is a sacrifice that we must make if we are to be free.

Question: My six-year-old daughter has been emotionally upset since the birth ofher infant sister. My friends tell me she feels unwanted because the new baby receives more attention than she does. What can I do as a mother to help her adjust to the fact of having a new child in the family? My baby has been sickly andrequires constant care.

Answer: This is not at all an uncommon problem. Almost every child feels a mixture of jealousy and love at the coming of a new brother or sister. There are times when the jealous response is dominant. This seems to be the case with your six-year-old daughter. You therefore have two jobs: to protect the baby, and reassure the older child that you love her. It may be that your child is a little moresensitive at this point than the average child. The child who turns mopey in his jealousy, being of a more sensitive and inturning nature, needs affection, reassurance and drawing out even more than the child who eases his feelings by minor violence. You may also help your daughter by making her feel that the baby sister is hers, not just in words, but in action. Let her help if she feels like it


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, in getting the baby's bottle from the icebox and bringing the towels for her bath. Let her hold her in her lap while she sits on the floor. Above all don't allowyourself to be overly excited over the new baby in the early weeks. Treat her casually. Don't gloat over her. Don't talk a lot about her. As far as possible take care of her while the older one is not around. Finally, help your daughter to findinterests outside the family circle. Much of the jealousy will pass away as thechild draws away a little from her parents and builds a position for herself among her friends.

Question: Do you believe that the development and use of nuclear weapons of warshould be banned?

Answer: I definitely feel that the development and use of nuclear weapons of warshould be banned. It cannot be disputed that a full scale nuclear war would beutterly catastrophic. Hundreds and millions of people would be killed outright by the blast and heat, and by the ionizing radiation produced at the instant of the explosion. If so-called dirty bombs were used, large areas would be made uninhabitable for extended periods of time, and additional hundreds and millions of people would probably die from delayed effects of local fall-out radiation--some in the exposed population from direct radiation injury and some in succeeding generations as a result of genetic effects. Even countries not directly hit by bombs would suffer through global fall-outs. All of this leads me to say that the principal objective of all nations must be the total abolition of war. War must befinally eliminated or the whole of mankind will be plunged into the abyss of an

nihilation.

Question: I am a widow in the mid-fifties. Recently, I met and fell in love witha 28-year-old man. My friends say I am being foolish; they say this man is onlyafter the money my late husband left me. But they are wrong. I love this man deeply and I

m sure he loves me. I'm sure my late husband would understand. Do you think we should go ahead and get married despite the objections of my friends andthe catty talk we'll have to face in the community?

Answer: I think you should think a great deal about this venture before you enter it. I must frankly say to you that the possible disadvantages of such a unionare far greater than the advantages. With such a tremendous age gap there is little possibility for compatibility, either physically or emotionally. Marriage is

at bottom a state of adjustment between two individuals who are seeking to be one; and with the adult life of your mate still unfolding it is almost impossiblefor this adjustment to take place. It is probably true that you love this youngman, but love must always be tempered with reason. Love devoid of rational andpractical considerations can become a wild and fanatical emotion that can only lead to psychological disintegration.

PD. Ebony, December 1957, p. 120.

Question: I live with my father who is ill. I want to marry the man I love, butI am afraid my relatives will get angry if marry and leave my father. I have twosisters--one is twelve and the other is fourteen--who can take care of him. Should I marry?

Answer: You are to be admired for being so devoted to your father and so concerned about his condition that you will consider postponing marriage at this time.I do not feel, however, that your father's condition should deprive you of the great experience of marriage. I am sure that your father would feel the same way. Since you have sisters who are old enough to give some attention to your father you may well alternate with them in taking care of him. It seems to me that you could very well marry at this time and have a clear understanding with your husband concerning your father's condition. You can make it clear that because of his illness you have a moral responsibility to assist in taking care of him. With thi


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s clear understanding you should be able to marry and still keep things togetherat your father's home.

Question: I have been married 21 years and they have all been hell. Excuse the word, but that is the case. What can a man do to make a marriage a success? My wife will not go with me to our pastor or to a social worker. I work two jobs so that she can have anything she wants. But she shows no interest. The house is always dusty and dirty. She just doesn't seem to care.

Answer: In advising anyone on marital problems I usually begin by urging each person to do an honest job of self analysis. Although you feel that you have doneall within your power to make the marriage a success it would be well to ask yourself the question whether you have done anything to cause your wife to react the way she does. After this I feel that you should have a heart to heart talk with your wife and seek to show her the points at which she can improve and at thesame time admit that if there are any points at which you are lacking you too are willing to improve. No marriage can be successful without mutual respect, abiding faith, and absolute love. If these factors are present you can work out theseemingly insoluble problems you now confront. I think you should also insist that your wife join you in discussing this matter with your minister. Often when marital difficulties develop a counsellor can be of immeasurable help in strengthening the union.

Question: My problem is different from the ones most people have. I am a boy, bu

t I feel about boys the way I ought to feel about girls. I don't want my parents to know about me. What can I do? Is there any place where I can go for help?

Answer: Your problem is not at all an uncommon one. However, it does require careful attention. The type of feeling that you have toward boys is probably not aninnate tendency, but something that has been culturally acquired. Your reasonsfor adopting this habit have now been consciously suppressed or unconsciously repressed. Therefore, it is necessary to deal with this problem by getting back tosome of the experiences and circumstances that lead to the habit. In order to do this I would suggest that you see a good psychiatrist who can assist you in bringing to the forefront of conscience all of those experiences and circumstancesthat lead to the habit. You are already on the right road toward a solution, since you honestly recognize the problem and have a desire to solve it.

Question: The harder I work the further in debt I get. I can't seem to get on an even keel. Please tell me what I should do.

Answer: In order to deal with your problem it is necessary for you to get to theroot of it. There are many reasons why one can stay in continual debt, no matter how hard he works. For instance, you should ask yourself whether you are living above your means. This is one of the most prevalent ways to stay in an economic strain. This simply means that the price that you pay for your automobile, home, clothes, etc., should be within the bounds of your basic income. It has beenproposed by some of the best economists that one's automobile should not cost morethan half of his annual income, and his home should not cost more than twice his annual income. If one follows this pattern he can avoid much economic frustrat

ion. I would also suggest that you save something every week, no matter how small your salary is. If you follow a consistent pattern at this point you will be surprised to know how much you have saved by the end of the year. With such a saving you will always have something to fall back on when emergencies arise.

Question: I have been divorced from my husband for nine years and I have been dating a young man for six and one-half years. We are very much in love, but he feels that it is wrong for us to marry while my ex-husband is still alive. Will webe living in sin if we marry now?


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Answer: The young man that you are dating probably feels that it is sinful to marry while an ex-husband or wife is still alive because this has been a strong teaching in many religious bodies. However, I feel that religion, while remainingtrue to absolute moral standards, should forever help individuals adjust to thechanging problem of life. The Christian Church must continue to take a strong stand on the problem of divorce which is plaguing the American family, while at the same time continuing to give guidance to those individuals who, for various reasons, find it almost impossible to live together. In the light of these considerations I would not consider it an immoral act for you and your boy friend to marry if you are in love. I would strongly advise you to profit by the experiencesand mistakes of your former marriage.

Question: I find so many Negroes trying to be everything but a Negro. Why is theNegro so ashamed of his race? Why can't you find books about Negroes in the homesof Negroes?

Answer: A sociologist has recently written a work in which he affirms that the Negro middle class has no cultural roots because he rejects the culture of the masses of Negroes and is himself rejected by the white middle class with whom he seeks to identify. This lack of cultural roots leaves him victimized with a tragic sense of inferiority and self-hatred. This analysis, while lacking at some points, has many elements of truth. The Negro must always guard against the dangerof becoming ashamed ofhimself and his past. There is much in the heritage of theNegro that each of us can be proud of. The oppression that we have faced, partl

y because of the color of our skin, must not cause us to feel that everything nonwhite is objectionable. The content of one's character is the important thing, not the color of his skin. We must teach every Negro child that rejection of heritage means loss of cultural roots, and people who have no past have no future.

Question: I am an Oklahoma white woman. I feel so antagonistic toward the word Christianity because of white people's attitude toward the colored peoples of the world that I cannot make myself attend church and worship under such hypocrisy. There are no interracial churches here. Is it necessary for me to worship publicly? I do not feel free to ask this question of a white preacher.

Answer: I can well understand your antagonistic attitude toward the Christian church for its failure to match practice with profession in the area of the brothe

rhood of man. It is still appallingly true that eleven o'clock on Sunday morning,when we stand to sing In Christ There Is No East or West, is the most segregated hour in Christian America. In spite of this, the church is making progress. Moreand more the moral conscience of Christendom is being aroused on the question ofrace. It is for this reason that I would advise you to stay with the church. Itwill be persons like yourself that will keep the church moving on toward the ideal of brotherhood. You can always help a situation more when you are in it thanyou can from the outside. Internal criticism is always more effective than external criticism. I hope you will stay with the church and continue to sting its conscience on the question of race and color.

Question: My husband and I have been married for nine years and have five children. We have never had an understanding about money. I have never had any money f

or personal use or anything else. When I ask him about his salary or his money,he gets mad and starts to arguing. This has been going on for nine years. Is a wife entitled to an allowance or a little money from her husband for personal use? Does a wife have a right to know her husband

s salary?

Answer: I think you are quite right in feeling that your husband should give youmoney for personal use. There are always those personal items and individualistic concerns that a woman should not be deprived of simply because she is married. I also feel that it is a good idea to know your husband's salary and as many ofhis business concerns as possible. This is in no way to infringe upon his indivi


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duality, but it is simply a safeguard in the event that something happens to him. It is unfortunate indeed that many husbands have passed on and left their wives without one iota of business judgment. This has often resulted in the unnecessary loss of money. Therefore, I would advise you to seek to show your husband the practicality as well as the morality of discussing his salary and business concerns with you. Marriage is a cooperative enterprise in which two individuals are seeking to become one. You may do well to seek to convince your husband of thewisdom of having joint bank accounts.

Question: I've been in trouble one way or another all my life. My problem is thatI don't like to fight unless I have to. Like you said in a speech once, when someone hates you don't fight back but love them and pray for them. Well, I do that, but it doesn't seem to help. Last night I got into an argument with one of my friends. When I walked off he hit me over the head with an iron pipe. The fellows toldme I should have killed him, but instead I went home and prayed for him. What should I do to get people to understand me?

Answer: It is very difficult to get a don't fight back philosophy over to a group ofpeople who have come up under a tradition that so strongly expresses a philosophy of hitting back. It is very difficult to get over a philosophy of non-violence to people who have been taught from the cradle that violence must be met withviolence. But you must somehow continue to follow this way in word and in deed.You must get over to your comrades that the man who does not hit back is the strong man. To return violence for violence does nothing but intensify the existenc

e of violence and evil in the universe. Someone must have sense enough and morality enough to cut off the chain of violence and hate. It is ultimately the strong man who can do this. He who accepts violence without returning it is much stronger than he who inflicts it.

Question: I am a white boy who is in love with a girl of your race. A few of mywhite "friends" (I use that word very loosely) say that the Bible is against interracial marriage. They cannot point out the passages and I have found no such passage in the Bible. Can you advise me?

Answer: I have not found any passage in the Bible condemning interracial marriage. It is true that there are occasional references condemning marriage between persons of different religious groups, but it is never on the basis of race. In o

ther words, the Jews were often admonished not to marry persons of another religion. But there was never condemnation of one marrying beyond racial lines. Therefore, one who stands against interracial marriages can find no justification inthe Bible for that particular view. Actually, there is nothing immoral or irreligious. Marriage is at bottom a mutual agreement between two individuals. One always has the freedom to say yes or no to the agreement. Individuals marry, not races.

Question: I was under the impression that the NAACP was strictly a Negro organization. Is it true that it is was founded by whites and that it is run and backedby whites today?

Answer: The NAACP has never been strictly a Negro organization. It has been an i

nterracial organization from the very beginning. The organization grew out of aconference between Mary White Ovington, William Henry Walling and Henry Moskowitz which was held in January, 1909 to discuss problems of discrimination againstNegroes in the United States. A second conference was held in May of 1909 in NewYork City and a committee of forty was formed to begin the national work. It was at this meeting that the NAACP was organized as a permanent body. W. E. B. DuBois became an executive in the association and publication of the Crisis Magazine begun in November 1910 with DuBois as editor. So it is clear that the NAACP has been interracial from the very moment of its origin. It continues to be an interracial organization to the present day. Many of the officers and board members


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are white persons. It is not quite true to say that the organization is run bywhite persons today. It would be more accurate to say that white persons of goodwill are working cooperatively with Negroes to solve a problem that is harmful to the whole of America. The white persons who work with the NAACP are persons who have a great passion for human dignity and racial justice.

Question: Do you think Negroes are partly responsible for their plight? They don'tstick together and they don't help each other. Negroes, for example, will walk past a Negro-owned grocery store or shoe shop to get to a white place. Instead oftrying to make themselves financially independent, most Negroes are trying to keep up with the Joneses. Isn't it time for us to stop begging and stand on our ownfeet?

Answer: I quite agree that there is a great deal that the Negro can do to lift himself by his own bootstraps. Well has it been said by one that Negroes too often buy what they want and beg for what they need. Negroes must learn to practicesystematic saving. They must also pool their economic resources through variouscooperative enterprises. Such agencies as credit unions, savings and loan associations, and finance companies are needed in every Negro community. All of theseare things that would serve to lift the economic level of the Negro which wouldin turn give him greater purchasing power. This increased purchasing power willinevitably make for better housing, better health standards, and for better educational standards.

Question: Young parents nowadays cater to every whim and wish of their children.I was in a home the other day where a three-year-old child read the riot act tohis mother. The mother took it with a sheepish smile. This, I am told, is permissiveness. It seems to me that what modern children need is a large dose of parental permissiveness applied to their backsides. Do you agree?

Answer: It is quite true that many modern parents go too far in allowing their children to express themselves with hardly a modicum of discipline. Many parentsjustify this by arguing that the children must have freedom. But freedom can very easily run wild if not tempered with discipline and responsibility. This almost lunatic fringe of modern child care has been responsible for most strange and fantastic methods of child rearing in many American homes. The child is permittedto almost terrorize the home for fear of having its individuality repressed. Som

ewhere along the way every child must be trained into the obligations of cooperative living. He must be made aware that he is a member of a group and that grouplife implies duties and restraints. Social life is possible only if there exists a balance between liberty and discipline. The child must realize that there are rules of the game which he did not make and that he cannot break with impunity. In order to get all of these things over to the child it is often necessary tosubject the child to disciplinary measures.

Question: I made a mistake when I was young. I had a child out of wedlock. WhenI got married, my husband constantly reminded me of it. So the marriage failed.And now I am right back where I started. I am the black sheep of my family and of the small town in which I live. How long must I pay for one mistake? Should Ipick up and go to another town to live?

Answer: Your problem is one that must find its solution in the domains of psychology and religion. There is the danger that you will develop a morbid sense of guilt as well as an extremely sensitive attitude toward your past mistake. This would be tragic. You must somehow turn your vision toward the future rather thanthe past. You should concentrate on the heights which you are determined to reach, not look back into the depths in which you once fell. With this wholesome attitude you will be able to stand up amid all of the criticisms that persons in your town will direct toward you. In other words, you can so outlive your past mistake that even the most ardent critic will develop a warm respect for you. You c


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an still live in the same town and win the respect of the community. I would also suggest that you give your life to certain high and noble pursuits. In so doing you will be able to concentrate on such challenging and ennobling ideas that you will not have the time for self pity.

Question: I have attended the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ and the Church of God in Christ. I have also talked to members of the Jehovah Witnesses. All of them say they are right, that their way is the only wayto salvation. They can't all be right because in many instances the doctrines arecontradictory. Is there a one and only way to God?

Answer: I would answer your question with an emphatic NO. No denomination can validly claim that it is the one and only way to God. God is bigger than all of our religious denominations. The boundless sweep of God's revelation can never be limited to any particular church. It is true that most of the denominations have certain doctrinal and ritualistic differences, but there is a deeper unity whichmakes them all one. Although there need not be uniformity between the various religious denominations, there should be unity. Actually, no major denominations within Protestantism claim to possess absolute truth. So l would suggest that youjoin the church which can best serve your religious and spiritual needs, realizing all the time that no church possesses absolute truth.

Question: I am in love with a white woman who lives in a southern state. Its laws forbid us to marry. I feel guilty about my desire to break the law. I think ou

r love for each other is right and true. If it is, why does the law say otherwise?

Answer: It is quite true that all southern states legally prohibit interracial marriages. In fact, several of the states outside of the South have laws forbidding marriage between different racial groups. These laws exist because of certainmisguided religious views as well as long entrenched social customs. Many people sincerely feel that the Bible prohibits interracial marriages. Others are opposed to them because they have come up under a system in which the folkways and mores are firmly opposed to them. The religious convictions and social customs ofthe South have become so crystallized against interracial marriages that it isvery difficult to get any rational thinking on the subject. Indeed, the whole question of intermarriage has developed many irrational fears within the white sou

th. It is a subject in which sheer emotionalism takes over and rationality is pushed entirely in the background. Of course, there is no justification for laws against interracial marriages either on religious or rational grounds. The Bibleneither condemns norcondones intermarriage. It simply does not deal with the question. On purely rational grounds one comes to see that marriage is a mutual agreement between two individuals and not between two races. Therefore, there should be no laws against intermarriage.

PD. Ebony, March 1958, p. 92.

Question: My husband and I were members of the same church. A few weeks ago, ina church meeting, I took sides with the minister. My husband got very angry. Herecently joined another church and now he will not let our daughter go to the ol

d church. He insists that I attend the church he joined. Is he right in making this decision?

Answer: It is always very unfortunate for anyone to leave a church because of some disagreement with the minister. Unless the situation is unalterably bad, youshould calmly and patiently seek to convince your husband that it would probablybe better for him to seek to become reconciled with your minister rather than insist on you and your daughter joining the other church. Through such a reconciliation it will be possible for your husband to honorably come back to his old church. This is a very touchy problem, but if it is handled properly I believe it


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can be worked out. If you can convince your husband that your roots are in yourchurch and that his roots are also there, he will probably come to see that it will be better for him to return to the old church than for you to go to the newchurch. You should also discuss this whole question with your minister and showhim the urgent need for your family to be together. Through such mutual interchange I think the problem can be solved.

Question: I am a 17-year-old musician and I belong to the church. I play gospelmusic and I play rock 'n' roll. Is it a sin to play rock 'n' roll music for a living?

Answer: The question of whether playing rock and roll for a living is sinful ornot sinful is really not the basic question confronting you. The real question is whether one can be consistent in playing gospel music and rock and roll musicsimultaneous. It seems to me that one must decide to either play gospel music orrock and roll. The two are totally incompatible. The profound sacred and spiritual meaning of the great music of the church must never be mixed with the transitory quality of rock and roll music. The former serves to lift men's souls to higher levels of reality, and therefore to God; the latter so often plunges men's minds into degrading and immoral depths. Therefore, I would say that you would be giving your life to a more noble purpose if you concentrated on the music of the church rather than rock and roll. Never seek to mix the two.

Question: Since Christianity became the official religion of the Roman Empire, the church has almost always been on the side of the rich, the powerful, and the

prejudiced. Preachers and priests have ever been the defenders, the supporters of the status quo. In view of these facts, why do ministers maintain that Christianity coincides with the struggles of the disadvantaged peoples of the world?

Answer: Honesty impels me to admit that the church has often been on the side ofthe rich, powerful, and prejudiced. The church has often been relegated to an institution which served to crystallize the patterns ofthe status quo. Even ministers of the gospel have often turned to the Bible to find some erroneous justification for the preservation of the old order. This, however, is not the whole church. The church at its best has always stood as the conscience of society. It has been willing to broaden horizons, challenge customs and even break mores. There has always been and always will be that section of the church that joins in the struggle of the disadvantaged and disinherited peoples of the world. Although

they are far too few there are still those ministers who recognize that the power of the gospel can never be clothed in the garments of a particular class. Whenever the church is true to its genuis it recognizes as Jesus did, that it mustpreach the gospel to the poor and deliver those who are captives.

Question: I am in love with a young woman who is obviously unsuitable for me. Onthe other hand, I know another girl who wants to marry. I think the latter girlwould be perfect for me, but I don't love her. We have the same background, the same tastes and we enjoy the same things, Should I marry her? Isn't romantic love,which is at best transitory, a slippery thing to bet your future on?

Answer: I would not say that romantic love is merely transitory. Romantic love,at its best, is an enduring love which grows with the years. I do agree, however

, that it is quite risky to base a marriage purely on so-called romantic love without taking other basic factors into account. For it may be possible that whatwe feel as real romantic love is at bottom a passing fantasy or a temporary infatuation with no real substance. Many marriages have broken up for this very reason. Persons marry on the basis of a temporary emotional feeling, and when the slightest conflict arises the marriage breaks up because it is not planted on a solid foundation. I think it would be far better for you to at least pursue the relationship with the young lady who has the same background and similar interestsas you have. If you continue to associate with her it is altogether probable that you will grow to love her. At least with a similar background and similar int


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erests, you have something basic and solid to build on. In the case of the firstyoung lady that you mentioned you may simply have a feeling that may pass awaywith the wind.

Question: My wife has no respect for my profession as an entertainer and believes I should get a more secure job that would permit me to spend more time with the children. I can't make her understand that my work is rewarding and that my possible success will provide greater security. Since the "job" problem is creatinga crisis in our home, what should I do?

Answer: If, as you say, your work is rewarding to you and has the possibility ofgreater economic security for the future, it would be well for you to patientlyand calmly attempt to convince your wife that you should stick with this profession. You must seek to get over to her that one's life work is much more meaningful and creative when it is something that the person enjoys doing. I can see howyour wife would be desirous of your spending more time with the family and certainly you should seek to arrange your working schedule so that it will be possible to devote more time to your home life. In spite of this, however, you must seek to get your wife to see that it often takes a little time for people to get established in certain professions. Give her the example of the numerous persons who are now at the top of their professions, but who took several years to get established and secure.

Question: I have a 16-year-old daughter by a previous marriage. My present husba

nd doesn't like my daughter and my daughter doesn't like him. He is always picking on her. It has gotten to a point where either my husband or my daughter must go.It is impossible for the three of us to live together. Should I divorce my husband?

Answer: I do not think a divorce is the answer to your problem. It would only create new and more complicated problems, especially with reference to your own personal adjustment. A better approach to the problem would be to seek to bring about a degree of understanding between your daughter and your husband. People fail to get along with each other because they fear each other. They fear each other because they don't know each other. They don't know each other because they have not properly communicated with each other. This is probably the case with your daughter and husband. They have probably never known each other nor properly commu

nicated with each other. If you can bring them together and urge them to honestly discuss their differences and confess their mistakes, wherever they have beenmade, this, I believe, will go a long, long way toward restoring a broken relationship.

Question: I am a white man (so-called), who is interested in the Negro's fight forequality. I am a NAACP member, but it seems to me that the organization is an exclusive club: people can join but there is no forum for expressing individual opinions. I live in New York. Where can white people go to help, what can individuals do in this fight for freedom?

Answer: It is certainly commendable that you have such a passion for freedom andhuman dignity, that you are in quest for an organization through which you can

best express your interest. You mentioned the NAACP as an organization which lacks the resources to serve as the proper channel through which your interest canflow. I would suggest that you reconsider your attitude toward the NAACP; it seems to me that the NAACP always leaves the way open for individuals to express opinions through the various branches. This organization has done more to achievethe legal and constitutional rights of Negro citizens than any other organization to which I can point. I feel that continued support of this organization is one of the ways that people of goodwill can further extend the rights of Negro Americans. Since you are in New York, you may very easily familiarize yourself withthe resources, methods and techniques of the NAACP by consulting the national o


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ffice. Of course there are numerous other organizations working for the rights of Negroes, and many of them are doing exceptionally good jobs. There are organizations in the South, for instance, that are working on the local level to implement the decisions that the NAACP has won through the courts. These organizationsare in dire need of financial and moral support. You may consider giving assistance to some of these organizations.

Question: My problem is my mother and my half brothers and sisters. My mother gives them all her attention. She takes them out, buys them pretty clothes. She never notices me. Her other children are light-skinned. I am dark. What can I do to make her love me, too?

Answer: You can probably best deal with your problem by beginning with an analysis of self. I know this sounds rather strange to you, since you have already concluded that your mother and half-brothers and sisters are responsible for the problem. But you must honestly ask yourself the question, whether the problem hasarisen because of an inferiority complex that you have developed as a result ofyour complexion. You must be sure that you do not unconsciously develop a bitterness because of your color, and thereby drive persons away from you. Maintain awholesome attitude at all times and a radiant personality. These qualities, I amconvinced, will awaken within those around you a responding attitude of kindness.

Question: I am a single woman, in my forties. I have a small business, but I am

not pretty. My friends tell me they wish I could find a husband. So do I, but where is the man who is looking for anything else besides beauty? Don't good moralsand knowing how to make a home and an honest dollar count?

Answer: You desire to find a husband is certainly a normal and reasonable one, and I hope our generation hasn't come to the point that men only look for externalbeauty in a wife. A marriage that is only based on external beauty lacks the solid rock of permanence and stability. One must discover the meaning of soul beauty before he has really discovered the meaning of love. I quite agree with you that good morals, and knowing how to make a home and an honest dollar are the things that ultimately count in making a meaningful relationship. Whether or not youwill find the man who has the wisdom to appreciate these values over against the passing value of physical beauty, I am not prepared to say. But at least you c

an live by the assurance that you have cultivated in your life those great imperishable values that are ends within themselves.

Question: I am a housewife and the mother of two children. I have found out thatmany Negroes have inferiority complexes, especially about their looks. It starts when they are children, The stories they are told--Goldilocks, Black Sambo--and the pictures they see play down the Negro. Are there any children

s stories, fables or religious stories that contain Negro characters?

Answer: It is certainly true that many Negro children grow up with inferiority complexes. This is basically true because they grow up in a system which foreverstares them in the faces saying, `You are less than, "You are not equal to. Segregation generates a feeling of inferiority in the segregated. This sense of inferior

ity comes into being as a result of segregation. This sense of inferiority is further generated, as you suggest, by the inferior roles played by Negroes in pictures that they see and the stories that they read. It must be admitted that American society has done far too little in presenting the Negro in a realistic role. The stereotype role in which he has been traditionally presented is distasteful to any well thinking Negro. Fortunately many things are happening to change this trend. More and more through television, movies and other public channels, Negroes are being presented in a realistic manner and their creative abilities areincreasingly coming to the forefront. This remains a real challenge for Negro artists and entertainers as well as writers.


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Question: My problem, I suppose, is a common one. I have been married for 18 months. My husband says he loves me just as much as ever, but he think he is entitled to a night out. The wife, he says, is not supposed to go out alone. Do you think a man should have a night out? If so, shouldn't a wife have a night out, too?

Answer: The question of having a night out is one that needs careful examination. If it means simply having a night during the week that one can spend some timewith friends of his own sex and social group, then a night out is a privilege which should come to husband and wife alike. There is a certain degree of individuality that all persons desire--a privilege of which marriage should not deprivethem. On the other hand, if a night out means participating in activities and affairs that cannot be known by your mate, then it is something that neither husband nor wife should request. Actually, the idea of a night out is a meaninglessconcept if one's intentions are pure. If one intends to do the right thing, the question of a night out need never arise, for it may be necessary to have two or three nights out.

Question: About two years ago, I was going with a young lady who became pregnant. I refused to marry her. As a result, I was directly responsible for a crime. It was not until a month later that I realized the awful thing I had done. I begged her to forgive me, to come back, but she has not answered my letters. The thing stays on my mind. What can I do? I have prayed for forgiveness.

Answer: You have made a mistake. This you admit. Your admitting this fact is very wholesome, for it is the first step in the process of repentance and personality integration. One can never rectify a mistake until he admits that a mistake has been made. Now that you have prayed for forgiveness and acknowledged your mistake, you must turn your vision to the future. You must not become morbidly absorbed in a past mistake but you must seek to outlive it by creative living in thefuture. Now that you have repented, don't concentrate on what you failed to do inthe past, but what you are determined to do in the future. This sense of penitence and this creative living will do more to cause the young lady to forgive youthan anything you can say in words.

Question: This question has bothered me for a long time. Why is it that if our men or women are fortunate enough to gain fame and fortune, they almost always ma

rry white?

Answer: First, let me say, I don't think it is true that the majority of Negroes of fame and fortune marry white persons. I could give a long list of Negroes whohave risen to the heights of fame, and yet who have married within their own race. However, there is some truth in the statement that many persons of fame unitein interracial marriage. One of the basic reasons for this is that Negroes of fame are brought into contact with white persons more than the average Negro. Through such contact a relationship often develops which eventually leads to marriage. Also, there is something about fame that causes people to minimize the superficialities of race or color. People are often drawn to fame by the sheer fascination of its qualities, forgetting the fact that the possessor of the fame happens to be a Negro. It must also be emphasized that a Negro man or woman cannot ma

rry a white person without the latter's consent. In the final analysis, marriage is a mutual agreement between two individuals. It should be based on similar interests, abiding faith and genuine love.

Question: I've been separated from my wife for about nine years. My problem is, how do I go about meeting nice women. I know lots of women, but they are drinkingpeople. I go to church, but all the women seem so distant. I am very unhappy because of my lack of companionship.

Answer: You seem to have a problem meeting people. This probably grows out of so


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me personality trait on your part rather than any deficiency on the part of allof the women in your community. You should do a thorough job of self-analysis and see if there is anything within your personality that causes you to withdraw from people or causes them to withdraw from you. In either case, you can easily improve the situation if you find the cause for it. It is possible that you are not out going enough and that you are not active enough in church and community affairs. I am sure that if you will become more active in such areas, you will beable to meet companionable and likable persons whose interests will be in the same area as yours.

Question: Please help me and my wife to settle our religious differences. My understanding is that a man and his wife are to be as one in everything, I am a Baptist and she is a Seven-Day Adventist. She goes to church on Saturday and I go to church on Sunday. I don't think that is being as one and I don't think God is pleased.

Answer: There can be no gainsaying of the fact that it is always a wonderful thing when husband and wife attend the same church. However, when such an arrangement does not exist, the family need not live in continual disharmony. The problemmay be solved by concentrating on the unity of your religious views rather thanaccentuating your differences. There are certain basic points, such as the Godconcept, the lordship of Christ and the brotherhood of man that all Christians should be united on. Consequently, there can be unity where there is not uniformity. If you and your wife will concentrate on these points of unity and seek to m

inimize the ritualistic and doctrinal differences, you will come to see that youare not as far apart in your religious views as it appears to you on the surface.

Question: I have made many friends, most of them white. My closest Negro friendstell me I am prejudiced against my own race.

Answer: The only way you can prove to other persons that you do not choose friends on the basis of their color is through the sincerity of your motive in choosing friends. If you choose friends on the basis of mutual interests and mutual companionship, then your motives are sincere. If you choose friends merely becausethey are white in order to boast of the number of white friends you have, thenyour motives are insincere.

Question: My husband and I are whites. We recently moved to California where myhusband teaches in a small community. He has a very emotional Negro boy in his class. Fortunately, he likes and respects my husband. Things go smoothly when theboy and my husband agree, but if he is corrected or disciplined, he reasons that my husband doesn't like him because he is a Negro. How can we help him? He can't go on hating and fighting and being insecure.

Answer: It is quite true that no one can go through life hating, fighting and being insecure. This type of response not only harms the object of hate, but it also does irreparable harm to the hater. It is both spiritually and psychologically damaging. It is important, however, to understand the causal basis for such personality responses. Few of us realize how far-reaching the impact of the traged

y of Little Rock has been upon not only the Negro schoolchildren, but upon whitechildren also. The toll that injustice, segregation, discrimination and violence take on Negro schoolchildren's emotions is tragic indeed. Consciously and unconsciously, all types of reactions are being manifested and it is people of goodwill, like you and your husband, who will have to carry the cross of patience, loveand understanding. I would suggest that you get in touch with the boy's parents,see his home environment, get the thinking of his parents. It may be that over-emphasis of the racial problem is being discussed in his presence and he may be trying to cover a feeling of guilt or shame for not measuring up to what your husband expects of him, or even what he expects of himself. I am sure that you and


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your husband can do a great deal to help this boy. We cannot afford to lose oneyouth in this struggle for full citizenship in which we find ourselves.

Question: I am 15 years old and I live in a small North Carolina city. When I finish high school should I stay here and be called names or go up North where I will have greater opportunities?

Answer: Going North will not guarantee that you will not be called names. Name calling is not peculiar to the South. Everywhere you go, you will find those whotake keen delight in calling names. Some individuals must have the courage and moral strength to remain in their communities no matter how bad they are, and seek to lift them to new levels of creative living. I would suggest that you applyyourself diligently to your studies and think about what you would like to choose as your life's work. Look around your immediate community for the best school toprepare for this work. If there are no schools, consult your parents and schooladvisers about schools in other areas.

Question: My husband is an alcoholic. He recently started making physical attacks on me. I hate to break up our home, but I can't stand this brutality. Can I do anything to help him?

Answer: First, let me say that the person who becomes an alcoholic is victimizedwith a real sickness. The Yale studies on alcohol reveal that the alcoholic hasa disease which is as serious as any other organic disease. Consequently, the a

lcoholic is in need of sympathy and understanding rather than scorn. Just as wewould not scorn the person with tuberculosis, we should not scorn the alcoholic;rather we should seek to help him cure the disease. I would suggest that you have your husband talk with your clergyman and also contact Alcoholics Anonymous--a wonderful organization. In his sober moments, you may try to convince your husband of the injury that such a habit is bringing to his personality and to the whole family. Also seek to show him that he can never be helped unless he decidesto help himself. I am sure that the brutality that you are suffering is quite miserable, but if you stay with the situation a little longer, you might contribute to your husband's rediscovery of himself.

Question: Ever since my marriage last June, I have had in-law troubles. At first, my husband's sister and her children were living with us. Now, his mother has mo

ved in and she has taken over the house. She buys the groceries, opens the mailand pays all the bills (with his money). Whenever I complain, my husband blows up. What can I do? I feel like a child in my own home.

Answer: There is an expression that no home is big enough to have two women at its head. Certainly many homes have broken up over this very familiar problem. Itis a very touchy problem, and it must be handled with the most judi- cious care. I would suggest that you have a frank talk with your husband and your mother-in-law simultaneously. Explain to them that you want to assume the full responsibility of a wife, and it will be wise, as well as good psychology, to ask your mother-in-law if she would be kind enough to teach you the things that she did forher son that made him the man that you loved and married. A new bride can always learn something, and it is a smart wife who will never place her husband in th

e position of having to choose between his wife and his mother.

Question: Is your church segregated? Do whites attend your service?

Answer: No. The Dexter Avenue Baptist Church is not a segregated church. It is open to men and women of all nations and races. Hardly a Sunday passes that we donot have white visitors. Most of them come from other sections of the country,but occasionally we have white persons from the Montgomery community to worshipwith us.


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Question: You give wonderful advice. I hope that you will help me. I worry all the time. I worry about little things and big things and sometimes when there isnothing to worry about at all I create something. How can I stop wmying so much?

Answer: Worry stems from several sources. Such things as a feeling of inadequacy, repressed emotions, illusions projected into reality and subconscious fears are all causal factors for continued worry. So your real problem is to discover the thing that is causing the worry. You probably cannot do this on your own. It will require the skilled and technical know-how of a person trained in this area.I would suggest that you talk with your physician and he can make definite recommendations. Another source to which you can turn is religion. One of the thingsthat a positive and healthy religious faith gives an individual is a sense of inner equilibrium which removes all basic worries. Religion does not say an individual will never confront a problem, or that he will never worry about anything;it simply says that if the individual is sufficiently committed to the way of religion, he will have something within that will cause him to transcend every worry situation with power and faith. With this combination of medical advice andhealthy religion, I am sure that you can solve your problem.

Question: I am a deacon in the church and my wife teaches Sunday school. We wereshocked recently when our youngest boy was arrested for taking part in a teen-age gang war. He is only 14, but we found he has been smoking and drinking for the last year. He has every advantage, love, spending money and a lot of friends.Where did we go wrong? What can we do to get him back on the right track?

Answer: I can well understand the deep shock that came to you and your wife after the arrest of your son for taking part in a teen-age gang war. Whether you, asparents, went wrong at some point and must take some of the responsibility forthis incident, I am not sure. I would have to know more about the situation. Certainly, the environmental conditions outside of the home had something to do with it. The whole problem of urban dislocation is one of the usual factors for much of our modern juvenile delinquency. But your real concern now should be what your son needs at this moment, rather than what he has already done. He is in trouble, and he is going to need the combined love, patience and understanding of his parents. He needs to be assured that he is not lost, even though he did makea mistake; that the past is behind him and a great bright future ahead. Give himlove and more love. Often youngsters are driven to gangs because they do not ge

t the proper sense of belonging and the proper recognition in the home. Be surethat you are never so busy that you do not spend vital moments and hours with this son who needs more than anything else a real sense of belonging. This type ofgenuine love, combined with strong moral teachings exemplified in your lives, will do a great deal to change the course of your son's life.

Question: My husband is having an affair with a woman in our housing project. Hepromised to stop, but he is still seeing her. We have children and I don't believe in divorce, but I cannot and will not share him. What must I do?

Answer: Your unwillingness to share your husband is perfectly natural and normal. No person wants to share his or her mate with another. But your problem is a very delicate one, and needs to be handled with wisdom and patience. First, I wou

ld suggest that you attempt to get your husband to go with you to talk with yourclergyman or a marriage counselor. I am sure that they could be helpful in solving your problem. In the meantime, since the other person is so near you might study her and see what she does for your husband that you might not be doing. Doyou spend too much time with the children and the house and not pay attention tohim? Are you careful with your grooming? Do you nag? Do you make him feel important. . . like somebody? This process of introspection might help you to hit upon the things that are responsible for your husband's other af-fair. Certainly, I would not suggest a divorce at this point. I strongly would urge you to exhaust every possible resource in your power and seek to rectify the situation before ma


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king any drastic changes.

Question: Few Negroes in our town register to vote, although the lists are openand there is little or no intimidation or violence. Why are so many Negroes indiffient about their basic right?

Answer: Indifference of Negroes concerning their basic rights is appalling indeed. Some of this indifference is rooted in the injurious effects of segregation and discrimination on the soul of the Negro. The tragedy of segregation is that it not only harms one physically, but it injures one spiritually. It scars the soul and distorts the personality. It gives the segregated a false sense of inferiority. Many Negroes are apathetic concerning their basic rights because they have a sense of inferiority and a real lack of self-respect. Another source of theapathy of the Negro is found in the feeling that freedom is something that willbe handed out on a silver platter. Many individuals fail to see that freedom isnever attained without suffering and sacrifice; so they complacently sit by thewayside, waiting on the coming of the inevitable. Other individuals are apathetic because they sincerely feel that there is nothing that they can do to better the racial situation. They have come to the pessimistic conclusion that all of their struggles are in vain. Such persons have become exhausted in the quest for freedom. Of course, all of these attitudes are unfounded and unfortunate. Negroesmust rise above a sense of inferiority and come to see that they can do something about the problem through persistent agitation and hard work, combined with discipline and dignity.

Question: I am a Negro, but I don't like Jews. What can I do to overcom this feeling?

Answer: It is very unfortunate that you dislike Jews. This is a problem which you need to solve immediately, because it is no different from the attitude that many whites have concerning the whole Negro race. In order to deal with this problem, you must get at the roots of your dislike for the Jews. Most hate is rootedin fear, suspicion, ignorance and pride. You must be sure that all of these factors are removed from your personality where the Jews are concerned. The word prejudice means literally to prejudge, that is, to pass judgment before you have all of the facts. You have probably prejudged the Jewish community by an experience you had with one or more Jews or by some half-truths and distorted ideas that

you have heard circulated concerning Jews. You can only remove this by knowingthe truth and realizing that no one shortcoming can characterize a whole race. Iwould suggest that you seek real personal fellowship with Jews and you will discover that some of the finest persons in our nation are members of the Jewish community. Through this type of personal fellowship, you will come to know them and love them and thereby transcend the bounds of bigotry. Men hate each other because they fear each other; they fear each other because they don't know each other; they don't know each other because they are so often separated from each other.

Question: I am 13 and I want to be an air stewardess when I grow up. Do you think the air lines will ever hire Negroes? What training should I take in order toprepare myself?

Answer: A few airlines are already employing Negro stewardesses. By the time youare ready, it will not be a matter of race or color, but qualification, and that is all that we ask in our battle for equality. Write to any airline and they will be glad to tell you of their need. Your daily newspaper People's Column will also tell you. In the meantime, apply yourself diligently to your studies and keepin good health.

Question: How can the crime wave among Negroes be reduced? Shouldn't the church take a stand on this problem?


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Answer: There is both an external and an internal solution to this problem. Bothmust work simultaneously if the problem is to be solved. The external solutionto the problem is to work passionately and unrelentingly to remove the conditions which make crime possible. The Negro is not criminal by nature. Indeed criminality is environmental, not racial. Poverty and ignorance breed crime whatever the racial group may be. So we must work to remove the system of segregation, discrimination and the existence of economic injustice if we are to solve the problem of crime in the Negro community. For these external factors are causally responsible for crime. On the other hand, the Negro must work within the community tosolve the problem while the external cause factors are being removed. Communityagencies and the church must work untiringly to give Negroes moving into the big industrial urban areas a sense of belonging and help them to adjust to urban living. The church must extend its evangelistic program into all of the poverty-stricken and slum areas of the big cities, thereby touching the individuals who are more susceptible to criminal traits. By bringing them into the church and keeping them in touch with the great moral insights of religion, they will developmore inner stability and become more responsible citizens.

Question: Do you belieue that Nuclear tests should be stopped ?

Answer: I definitely feel that there should be a cessation of Nuclear tests. Some of the best scientists tell us that it is hardly possible to produce a so-called clean bomb. This means that hundreds of thousands of people can be affected from delayed effects of local fall out radiation. It is also possible that these Nu

clear tests will do harm to succeeding generations as a result of genetic effects. Even if these assertions are not true, and scientists are capable of producing a clean bomb, it seems to me to be a wise course of action to suspend the tests until scientists come to some unanimous conviction on this question. We shouldnot risk the lives of hundreds and thousands of individuals now living and millions yet unborn, while scientists disagree over such a basic issue. There is also a greater reason why I feel that Nuclear tests be banned; that is, that the purpose of the tests is to strengthen nations in military might and thereby prepare them for Nuclear war, if necessary. It cannot be disputed that full scale Nuclear war would be utterly catastrophic. Hundreds of millions of people would be killed outright by the blast and heat and by the ionizing radiation produced at the instant of the explosion. All of this leads me to say that the principal objective of all nations must be the total abolition of war, and a definite move tow

ard disarmament. War must be finally eliminated or the whole of mankind will beplunged into the abyss of annihilation.

Question: Is Christianity, as a religion, more valid than the tribal religions practiced at one time by Africans?

Answer: I believe that God reveals Himself in all religions. Wherever we find truth we find the revelation of God, and there is some element of truth in all religions. This does not mean, however, that God reveals Himself equally in all religions. Christianity is an expression of the highest revelation of God. It is the synthesis of the best in all religions. In this sense Christianity is more valid than the tribal religions practiced by our African ancestors. This does not mean that these tribal religions are totally devoid of truth. It simply means tha

t Christianity, while flowing through the stream of history has incorporated thetruths of all other religions and brought them together into a meaningful and coherent system. Moreover, at the center of Christianity stands the Christ who isnow and ever shall be the highest revelation of God. He, more than any other person that has ever lived in history, reveals the true nature of God. Through hislife, death, and resurrection the power of eternity broke forth into time.

Question: My problem is that I don't have any confidence in myself. I can't hold a job and in social situations l am always afraid that I will say or do the wrong things. l am married and I have a daughter, who is two years old. Please help me.


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People are always calling me stupid and dumb.

Answer: I would suggest four things to you as a guide to confident living: First, know thyself. This means that you should analyze yourself and discover your potentialities as well as your limitations. Secondly, accept yourself. Never try to be anybody else. Realize that you have something unique to offer society however humble it is. Third, trust thyself. In spite of the inevitable limitations you may have, never develop an inferiority complex. Always develop an internal sense of security that no external situation can remove. Fourth, deny thyself. Youprobably lose confidence in yourself because you are thinking too much about yourself. Don't continually keep thinking what other people are thinking about you. Nine times out of ten people are not thinking about you at all but about their own problems. You have much to be thankful for, a wife and baby daughter. Think ofall the things you can do, little things to make them happy--Also how you can make your fellow workers happy. Soon you will find that you spend so much time thinking of others that you have little time to think of yourself. There is so much more to think about than ourselves.

Question: Last Sunday my preacher did something that disturbed me. He mixed a lot of worldly things in his sermon. My question is this. Should God and the NAACPbe mixed in the pulpit?

Answer: I know of no way to separate God from the noble work that the NAACP is doing. Religion at its best is a two-way road. On the one hand it seeks to change

the soul of the individual so that he can be one with himself and with God. Onthe other hand it seeks to change environmental conditions so that the soul canhave a chance once it is changed. Therefore any religion that professes to be concerned about the souls of men and is not concerned about economic conditions that cripple them and the social conditions that damn them is a dry as dust religion in need of new blood. Therefore your minister by including so-called worldly things in his sermon revealed that he is a man of great spiritual depth and deep civic conscience. He revealed his awareness of the fact that the gospel of JesusChrist deals with the whole man--his body as well as his soul, the earthly as well as the heavenly.

Question: I am a high school boy, 18 years old. My father drinks and does a lotof things that make me ashamed. About a month ago, he got into some real trouble

and since then I haven't been able to gain friendship with any nice boys and girls. What can I do to gain their friendship back? Should I run away to another town?

Answer: You have my deepest sympathy in the problem you present to me. I know how sensitive a youth of eighteen can be of the public behaviour of his parents. However, running away to another city will not solve your problem. It may removeyou from the external expression of the problem, but you will still confront theinternal reactions in your own life. I can realize how difficult it is to faceother young people who shun you because of your father's condition. But these young people are not the sincere friends that you need if they judge you by your father's actions. I would suggest that you get some person whom your father has implicit confidence in to talk with him--maybe your minister. You must come to see th

at he is ill. Alcoholism is a disease which needs the most expert medical care.A person whom he trusts can probably persuade him to seek this expert treatment.He could probably be directed to Alcoholics Anonymous, a very fine organizationwhich helps people who want to be helped. I would further suggest that you yourself try talking with your father in one of his sober moments. Tell him how hurtyou are of his acts. It may well be that this frank expression will be the onething that will shock your father back to reality. Running away is not the answer because this may start you on a

advice for living

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