advanced practice tools for lawyers managing narcissistic clients

4
Copyright 2016 Kevin Karlson JD PhD all rights reserved. Representing the Narcissistic (Self Absorbed) Client (or their Spouse) Characteristics In this article on managing challenging clients, we address the most challenging type of client: the self-absorbed, narcissistic client. (Given the 2016 Presidential election, this information has wider and immediate application. One candidate is a 5 on a scale of 1-10 for narcissism; the other is 10, in my opinion. Read the information below and judge for yourself… KK) As Sam Vaknin, author of the book “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited” and an admitted narcissistic personality himself, so eloquently puts it: "The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources of Supply, callously and off- handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and 'love', ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender – are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce (in people around the narcissist) emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ('walking on eggshells'). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one – and even when he is long out of their life. " See Article: Other People's Pain by Sam Vaknin http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/76632 I bolded the portion of the quotation above about the effects of the narcissistic person on the spouse and family because recognizing these behaviors in a female client as being the toxic effects of being in a relationship with a narcissistic person can help the lawyer avoid jumping to premature conclusions about the emotional stability of their own client. Everyone who interacts with a narcissistic person is damaged if they are around long enough; the only question is the extent of the damage suffered by the victim of the narcissistic spouse (who is usually, but not always, a man). Here is a more complete list of the characteristics of the narcissistic person, expanded from the DSM-V criteria to include a richer and more descriptive picture (bolded portions are the additions to the standard DSM criteria): Characteristics of the Self-Absorbed (Narcissistic) Person (adapted from DSM –V and Vaknin) Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying , demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence , unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist) , bodily beauty or 3150 Avenue of the Stars Suite 1334 Frisco, TX 75034 Phone: 972.839.2394 Email: [email protected] Advanced Practice Series for Lawyers: The Narcissistic Client by Kevin Karlson JD PhD

Upload: kevin-karlson

Post on 14-Apr-2017

44 views

Category:

Documents


1 download

TRANSCRIPT

Page 1: Advanced Practice Tools for Lawyers Managing Narcissistic Clients

Copyright 2016 Kevin Karlson JD PhD all rights reserved.

Representing the Narcissistic (Self Absorbed) Client (or their Spouse) Characteristics In this article on managing challenging clients, we address the most challenging type of client: the self-absorbed, narcissistic client. (Given the 2016 Presidential election, this information has wider and immediate application. One candidate is a 5 on a scale of 1-10 for narcissism; the other is 10, in my opinion. Read the information below and judge for yourself… KK) As Sam Vaknin, author of the book “Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited” and an admitted narcissistic personality himself, so eloquently puts it: "The narcissist inflicts pain and abuse on others. He devalues Sources of Supply, callously and off-handedly abandons them, and discards people, places, partnerships, and friendships unhesitatingly. Sudden shifts between sadism and altruism, abuse and 'love', ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, viciousness and remorse, the harsh and the tender – are, perhaps, the most difficult to comprehend and to accept. These swings produce (in people around the narcissist) emotional insecurity, an eroded sense of self worth, fear, stress, and anxiety ('walking on eggshells'). Gradually, emotional paralysis ensues and they come to occupy the same emotional wasteland inhabited by the narcissist, his prisoners and hostages in more ways than one – and even when he is long out of their life." See Article: Other People's Pain by Sam Vaknin http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/npd/76632

I bolded the portion of the quotation above about the effects of the narcissistic person on the spouse and family because recognizing these behaviors in a female client as being the toxic effects of being in a relationship with a narcissistic person can help the lawyer avoid jumping to premature conclusions about the emotional stability of their own client. Everyone who interacts with a narcissistic person is damaged if they are around long enough; the only question is the extent of the damage suffered by the victim of the narcissistic spouse (who is usually, but not always, a man). Here is a more complete list of the characteristics of the narcissistic person, expanded from the DSM-V criteria to include a richer and more descriptive picture (bolded portions are the additions to the standard DSM criteria):

Characteristics of the Self-Absorbed (Narcissistic) Person (adapted from DSM –V and Vaknin)

• Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

• Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or

3150 Avenue of the Stars Suite 1334 Frisco, TX 75034 Phone: 972.839.2394 Email: [email protected]

Advanced Practice Series for Lawyers: The Narcissistic Client by Kevin Karlson JD PhD

Page 2: Advanced Practice Tools for Lawyers Managing Narcissistic Clients

l Page 2

sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

• Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

• Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation – or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply);

• Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment;

• Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;

• Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

• Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;

• Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

According to the DSM V, between 0.5-1% of the general population is diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most narcissists (50-75%) are men. So the majority, but not all, of narcissistic litigants will be men; however, it is my experience that in divorces of high net worth individuals, a surprisingly high percentage of the women are narcissistic as well. A recent study found that a very high percentage of celebrities have narcissistic traits, and that these traits are part of their drive to be famous.

Challenges in Managing the Narcissistic Client

(or the Spouse of a Narcissist)

First, these narcissistic people present some rigorous challenges for lawyers because they are such poor truth tellers. Driven by their own internal needs to be admired, they consistently create, not report, stories that will put them in a positive light or are designed to get them what they think they deserve (which is everything they want). Second, they do not respond well to authority, and will ignore court orders at their whim. Third, they do not tolerate frustration well, and will demand instant relief for issues that the court system takes months to resolve, and will blame YOU for not getting what they want when they want it. These people change lawyers frequently and sue their lawyers without hesitation when they feel that they haven’t been treated special enough, so beware!

When the narcissist is on the other side, the challenges are equally great. Victims of narcissistic spouses are usually shell-shocked and frightened. Having been in a relationship that was “too

Page 3: Advanced Practice Tools for Lawyers Managing Narcissistic Clients

l Page 3

good to be true” at the beginning, and then “hell on earth” at the end, these women suffer from emotional whiplash and a shattered sense of self-confidence in themselves and their own judgment. Self-recriminations are common “how did I miss this?”, and an inappropriate sense of guilt and sometimes irrational self-denial (I don’t deserve to keep the house) can make representing these women difficult because they may reach “informal” agreements with their spouse about substantive matters without telling you. Until these women have been in counseling for a while and are substantially, emotionally disengaged, they are vulnerable to being charmed by the narcissistic spouse (again), of when that doesn’t work, threatened into submission.

Male lawyers with female clients who are married to narcissistic spouses have to be especially careful, as any behavior by the lawyer that resembles the narcissistic spouse can lead the client to fall into her old pattern: hiding bad facts, being secretive, taking action before consulting you, etc. If the lawyer can’t keep his own ego under control, this client won’t trust him.

Coaching Tips for Managing the Spouse of the Narcissist

• If you’re a man, listen more and talk less; these women have stories of infidelity and cruelty to tell, but you have to ask repeatedly and take a good history

• Use the list of characteristics above and ask for examples of each of them; you will find legally relevant facts

• These women have learned to cope by forgetting the bad stuff; get them into counseling so they can “rehab their memories”.

• Get an agreement that they will make NO agreements with their spouse, no matter how small, without consulting you.

• Schedule regular check-in appointments; these women feel totally worthless and unworthy and will NOT readily call to ask for help and are used to being “on their own”.

• Send them to the website above to start learning about the characteristics of narcissistic people; it will help them organize their experience and begin to recover from the trauma.

• Emotional cruelty is usually so common that these women no longer recognize it at such; get them to recount an episode of narcissistic rage word for word- the degradation and humiliation will astound you but not the client, who has come to accept it as “normal”.

• Treat allegations by the other party as clues to what that party has actually done themselves (or at least contemplated doing, if it hasn’t happened yet).

• Listen, listen, listen.

Coaching Tips for Managing the Narcissistic Client

• Treat them as special-they expect it, but don’t confuse superficial charm for trust- these people trust NO one.

• Remember, their stories about themselves are designed to make them look “special” and get what they want, not to report the facts. Verify everything!

• Avoid being critical- they are easily injured and will blame you, not themselves, when things don’t go well.

• Don’t expect them to follow your instructions or court orders- they will do what they want and expect you to fix the consequences.

• Be prepared for them to try to run the litigation- they believe in their own special talents in all areas.

• Even in custody cases, these clients will wage “all out war” without concern for the effects on the kids; be their conscience and tell them about how doing what they want to do will

Page 4: Advanced Practice Tools for Lawyers Managing Narcissistic Clients

l Page 4

hurt them with the judge or jury (only their own well-being matters to them, so don’t waste your breath talking about the impact on spouse or kids).

• Ask about drug and alcohol abuse; continue to be alert even if the client denies it or tests negative.

• These people accuse their spouse of doing things that they themselves have done or considered doing and want to punish them for it. Be skeptical about allegations.

• Write CYA letters.

If you want the lawyers in your firm to acquire more tools and insights for dealing with these clients/opposing parties, contact Dr. Karlson to set up an inhouse CLE seminar for your partners and associates.