MENPHINAbmagazineIssue #7

Fourth Astral Moon 2013Eorzea $2.90 Gil incl. MWT

Roleplaying in the DungeonsYour questions FINALLY answered

Camp Bronze Lake Hot Springs

Rated 5 Gold Stars in Limsa Lominsa's eEorzea community

H H H H H“There’s nothing quite like

entering a warm pool with three or four males and being the

centre of attention”

*names have not been included to retain anonymity of clients

“It’s a great place to get away from the City, relax & unwind. It really lets you let go of

your inhibitions.”

“I particularly enjoy the discreet environment the staff uphold. It is a Judgement Free Zone”

Menphina magazine is a fanmagazine parodying FFXIV.

None of the content in this magazine is to be taken seriously!

Please do not act on any advice,horoscope or medical columns horoscope or medical columns as all content is purely satire.

Most images and logos arecopyright or registered trademarks of Square Enixused in fair use for the purpose of parody.

FINAFINAL FANTASY XIV ©2010 - 2013 SQUARE ENIX CO., LTD. FINAL FANTASY is a registered trademark of Square EnixHoldings Co., Ltd. All materialused under license.

"Final Fantasy", SQUARE-ENIXand the SQUARE-ENIX logo areand the SQUARE-ENIX logo areregistered trademarks of SquareEnix Holdings Co Ltd.All rights reserved.

"PS", "PlayStation", "PS3" and"The PlayStation Network” areTrademarks of Sony ComputerEntertainment Inc.Entertainment Inc.

MENPHINA

Magazine

Horoscopesa

Six of the twelve in your chart are Six of the twelve in your chart are opposing each other at various times this month. That is a lot of strife in a lot of areas of your life. The good news is that most of the time these are short dynamics and you are able to work your way through them. De-spite a huge amount of drama in your spite a huge amount of drama in your free company or linkshell you are still meant to make some excellent progress towards your financial, crafting, and/or gathering oriented goals this

moon

HaloneB

You and a player or rival are not You and a player or rival are not seeing eye-to-eye. However, you have quite a few fun, playful, social, and creative sources that are helping the two of you to work things out. Your finances are still taking a beating from all of your fun activities and gear splurging. But the good news is gear splurging. But the good news is that you also have some lovely oppor-tunities in your raid schedule to resolve your financial challenges.

MenphinaC

Your guild and social life is bursting Your guild and social life is bursting with all kinds of positive energy. . The two often have you in the middle of a tug-of-war trying to find the time and energy to really focus on both of them the way that you would like to. Finding balance might not be possible. You might be better off just possible. You might be better off just bouncing back and forth like a Ping-Pong ball. You are sometimes stubborn and grumpy about the situa-

tion, but mostly you seem exhilarated..

Thaliak

DNymeia

With all of the extremely positive With all of the extremely positive energy happening within your social life, your free company, lover, craft-ing, gathering, or “me time” could be suffering. Luckily, you find plenty of opportunities to combine activities and your friends or guild are happy to help you juggle everyone’s needs. You help you juggle everyone’s needs. You are extremely busy, but not unhappy. And somehow, you still manage to find some quiet time for a little rest and relaxation at you inn room.

ELlymlaen

You are dealing with financial or romantic trust issues involving your friends, free company or market boards. Whatever romantic selfesteem issues or financial challenges esteem issues or financial challenges arise during this time can be overcome through the help of your friends, guild or even complete strangers. Both your “daily work” sector and your “home life” sector are blending beautifully with both of your financial sectors.

fOschon

You are encouraged to spend a great You are encouraged to spend a great deal of your time and attention focus-ing on having fun, falling in love, traveling, exploring, crossing off you achievwements and spending quality time with loved ones. You are also meant to work towards achieving your financial and professional goals. your financial and professional goals. There are times when your financial goals and your playtime goals clash, but that is to be expected, isn’t it?

YOUR GUIDE TO THE STARS WITHKHAN-E-SENNA

GByregot

This is great for you as an individual This is great for you as an individual person, but not so great for your career. You might be better off doing some traveling, studying, exploration, etc. and taking advantage of the lovely Raiding and adventuring opportunities flowing through your career at this time. The desire to career at this time. The desire to broaden your horizons is not going away any time soon, so you could plan to squeeze bits of it in here and there as you find the time and

freedom to do so..

HRhalgr

All three of your people-oriented sec-tors are still working together and creating all kinds of lovely

opportunities for partnerships, team-work, friendship, community involve-ment, and spending time with your

extended family.

It is not that your social life is becoming a burden, only that you have a hard time finding enough hours in the day to spend time with everyone that wants your attention

this moon.

IAzeyma

Your free company sector and your Your free company sector and your social life sector are both clashing with your adventuring success sector. They might just be feeling left out as you focus so much of your time and attention on taking advantage of the opportunities showing up in your

quests.quests.

Or you could find that a rival is deliberately trying to get you into a social versus quest battle that you

cannot win.

JNald’thal

As you begin focusing on your raiding As you begin focusing on your raiding goals, leadership opportunities, and public reputation, you are seeing the value in being a great team player. You are still capable of achieving your moment in the spotlight, but you are not in a hardcore “me, me, me” attitude. You are being very attitude. You are being very open-minded, adventurous, and team-oriented. It actually helps to

win you extra kudos.

KNophica

You have both of your financial secYou have both of your financial sec-tors getting along beautifully with your social sector and with your raid success sector. So, it should be fairly easy for you to enjoy your social and raid life activities. Your financial goals are clashing with your playtime activities, but otherwise things are activities, but otherwise things are going really well at this time.

LAlthyk

You and your partner are not going to agree about whatever it is at home that has you both so upset, but eventually it will pass.

Mostly, it is your problem anyway Mostly, it is your problem anyway and your partner is changing focus from worrying about what is wrong at home and beginning to focus on how to bring more financial and romantic stability into your home life

together.

Get your moonly checkup with MENPHINA’S Resident Doctor!

Dr CidThe Bowel of Embers

Dear Dr Cid,

I have a huge problem with loose “motions”

I I dont feel condent to go out in public as eruptions could happen at any time! I was seeing a lovely girI but she took one look at my crack and ran for her life! I eat alot of curries and peppers do you think this could be the cause of my issuesissues?

Lord of the inferno, IfritZaha’rak,

Southern Thanalan

Dr Cid says:What a shitty situation! You should eat spicy food in moderation as part of a balanced diet and try to eat more ber.

YYou could have a build up of bad bacteria in you bowel so try eating some yogurt to introduce good cultures.

If I seen your crack I think I wouldrun too.

The Howling Brown Eye

Dr Cid,

I have a rather masculine problem, my ass crack is covered by some rather bushy plumes.

MMy self condence is shot, I feel rather unfeminine is there a permanent solution for my woes?

Garduda, Queen of StormsNatalan,

Coerthas Central Highlands

Dr Cid says:WWhat am I today? The ass whisperer? ...Wait your a chick? I always thought that you were a really ugly dude trying to pass yourself off as some whoreish drag queen. Anyway, sounds like you have high testosterone causing eexcessive hair growth.

Electrolysis is you best option combined with estrogenhormone therapy which would be advisable anyway because man are you manly!

Between a cock and a hard place.

Puny Hyur Doctor!

I am Titan! King of stone, everything about me has the strength and resolve of granite... except for one thing.

I I have not been able to get it up for years now...I still have the desirebut no working chisel. All I want is to make Mrs Titan satised again!

FIX THIS PROBLEM OR I WILL CRUSH YOU!

TTitan, King of the KoboldsU‘ghamaro Mines,Outer La Noscea

Dr Cid says:Mr Titan, you are a bald, overweight aging man... these things happen! I have sent you a prescription for some Jammitin, take one tablet about an Jammitin, take one tablet about an hour before coitus and I promise you that you stalagmite will grow! Mrs Titan will be off your case and you will both be very satised.

Guaranteed!

Speaking of Reputation

Pole dancing fitness classes. See our ladies work up a sweat while you escape the Ul’dan heat.

EveEvery Thursday through Sunday be-neath the Miners

Guild. 18+

Dear Little,I love my boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. We have a great relationship, and that’s very well known in our linkshell. He takes care of me, supports me and dotes on me in all sorts of ways. I think people in our Linkshells get jealous though, because it seems like evebecause it seems like every two months they hate on me, and show me the door. Of course, he comes with me. How can I stop people from being so jealous? It’s not my problem they’re ugly and alone. -- inclined to decline

Declined, If you’If you’re so inclined to aunt your masculine prowess around the ladies, you should be quite used to being caught exposed and laughed at. Be thankful there isn’t a shot of your own cudgel on the Market Board! Also - as a small side note - The next time a small side note - The next time a lady drops the fag-hag line, tell her what you want is gag’n’shag and chase her all the way to your inn room.

-- LP

It sounds like you can do no wrong, DB, but if that’s the case, how do all these Linkshells ome to the same conclusion? It also seems like you are the one being ousted from the group and you’re dragging your be-loved down into the gutter with you. Why donWhy don’t you start your own Link-shell - then you can write the rules.

-- LP

-- Dearly Beloved

LP,I’ve got a good ‘love advice’ question for you. How do I get in to your pants? Do you ever give macho guys like me your number?

This is how drunk you need to get me

before I even think of considering an answer for that question.

Dear Little Pet,I’m a manqoI’m a manqo’te and I love the

ladies, but it seems that people don’t believe me! I tell them I get in ladies pants all the time, and all it leads to is them making jokes at my expense! Even the girls I hit on think I’m trying to make them fag-hags! Please help make them fag-hags! Please help

me be more believable!

Roleplaying in the DungeonsYour questions FINALLY answered

it's late at nightYou toss and turn in bed; restless.they dance through your mind:

histories histories & idiosyncracies, figuring out the why's.

It takes hold,yourself into an

other.I'll help you

scratch that itch.

The underground rumours of RolePlay have surfaced intermittantly. A small community that is shunned by the mainstream. But what of people who are willing to take that next step into anothers shoes? Can you try before you buy? and how can one indivudual become two?

Rendezvous Zone, an established linkshell started as a small group of active players that grew close through playing together, helping each other out, and enjoying the game as a family. Our welcoming environment drew in new members, and our recent growth has been and our recent growth has been exceptional. we are developing large communities of crafters, raiders and gatherers. There's a niche for every type of player here.

Server: HyperionType: Social,End-Game

VOIP: MumbleSize: 40-50 Active members

In addition to our large base of casual players, we have many members who enjoy pursuing end-game content (with experiences in Rift, WoW, FFXI and FFXIV: 1.0). RZ intends to pursue ARR's end-game with the goal of seeing competitive and timely success while pro-viding a healthy, enjoyable environment for our players

to raid in.

Members in RZ who are interested in raiding have varying experiences that range from playing with the best WoW guilds in the world to never setting foot in a raid. We will expect our raid. We will expect our raiders to strive for

excellence in their play, but we don't want to discourage players who have little raiding expe-rience. As long as you are willing to listen, im-prove, and grow, we will provide you a chance to raid here.

RZ intends to achieve competitive success in end-game content, and we intend to do this while

maintaining a relaxed environment and discouraging elitist attitudes. We do not tolerate condescension,

elitism or other variations of these traits.