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ACT four

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Okay, my sisters, let’s put disgusting things into this cauldron to give

Macbeth a spooky look at his future.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Okay, here’s some intestines.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Double, double, toil and trouble;Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Here’s a bit of snake, an eye of a salamander, a

toe of a frog, tongue of a snake, baby owl’s wing,

and a lizard’s leg.Where do you do your shopping?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Double, double, toil and trouble;Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Here’s a tooth of a wolf, a McGriddle, the liver of a blaspheming Jew, the finger of a baby delivered in a ditch then strangled at birth

by its prostitute mother, a tiger’s intestines, and a toaster cord.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. I hope there’s enough room for me to toss my

cookies in that cauldron.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Double, double, toil and trouble;Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Here’s some baboon’s blood.

hecate

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

Good job, witches.

hecate

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRON

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.

Open locks, whoever knocks!

MAcbeth

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Sup, you secret, black, and midnight hags?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Deeds without a name.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

I want you to answer me a question.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

We’ll answer, or would you rather hear from our bosses?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Oooooh! The bosses! Let me see ‘em!

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Okay, just need to pour in the blood of a pig that ate her nine children and the grease from where a murderer was hung.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Okay, that’s it. BLECH!

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Come, high or low, thyself and office

deftly show.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Hello, armored head. Tell me what’s up.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Fear Macduff. I’m out.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Thanks, bizarre floating head. I’ll watch out for him.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Macbeth, none of women born can harm

you, so laugh at danger.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Good God, that was disturbing. Thanks, bloody child. I don’t need to fear Macduff anymore, because he must be of woman

born. But, I’ll kill him anyway…

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Macbeth will be fine until Birnam Wood comes to

Dunsinane Hill.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

How can the woods come to my castle at Dunsinane? That’s impossible… Sweet! I’m safe forever! But one thing I need to know – will Banquo’s sons still be kings?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Trust us, don’t ask.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

No, I must have answers! Tell me or a curse will fall on you skanks!

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

What the? What’s going on? Why is the earth shaking?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Show him and upset him! Come like ghosts!

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

That one looks like Fleance! Get out of here!

The next one too! Look at that crown!

The third one is just like the first!

And there are just more and more!Now Banquo’s bloody face smiles at me! That sucks!

Is it true?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

CAULDRONMAcbeth

Fraid so, MacB! We gave you what you

wanted! Hahahaha!

ACT fourSCENE ONE

MAcbeth

That sucked. Who’s there?

ACT fourSCENE ONE

MAcbeth

It’s me. Macduff has fled to England.

LENNOX

ACT fourSCENE ONE

MAcbethLENNOX

Damn! I should have killed that Macduff when I had the chance! Now that I know that I’m basically

indestructible, I will act on every impulse I have.

ACT fourSCENE ONE

MAcbethLENNOX

First things first – I’ll send my thugs over to Macduff’s place to kill his wife and kids! That’ll teach

him! No more thinking about actions – just action!

ACT fourSCENE ONE

MAcbethLENNOX

Fetch me my thugs!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Why would my husband abandon us like this?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Chill, Miss. Be patient.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

My husband wasn’t. He ran off because he was scared to fight

in a war. He’s a traitor.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Maybe he ran off because of being wise, not scared.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Wise?! To leave me and the kids alone in a place he

abandoned? He’s left us here unprotected!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Okay, your husband is not a bad guy – he has his reasons. It’s horrible times when being true to your country makes you

a traitor. But, I gotta go. Take care of yourself, Sonny.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Yeah, that fatherless little boy.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

I’d be a fool to stay here longer, and I’ll start crying if

I don’t get outta here.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonROSS LadyLady

MacduffMacduff

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Come here son.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Your dad’s dead. What will you do now?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

I’ll live like a bird does, with what I get.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

And what if you get trapped then, bird-boy?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Who sets a bird trap? I’ll be fine. Besides, Dad’s not dead

for real.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Oh yeah, he’s dead. What will you do for a

father now?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Nah, what will you do for a husband now?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Oh please. I can get twenty of them at the market.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

So you’ll buy them to sell them again, then?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

You sure are a smart, witty little boy.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Was Dad really a traitor, Mom?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Yep.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

What is a traitor, Mom?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

One that swears and lies. Anyone who does

should be hanged.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Who should hang them?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

I guess the honest men should.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Then the liars and swearers are idiots, because there are enough of them to beat the honest men and hang them.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Oh, my sweet dear monkey! What will you do without a father?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

If Dad was dead, you’d be crying. If you weren’t crying, it

would be a good sign that a new dad would be around soon.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

You silly little cow! You talk so funny!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Oh no! Where should I go? I’ve done nothing

wrong. Oh course, in this world, sometimes it’s best

to do harm.

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Where’s your husband?

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

Hopefully nowhere so unholy that you creeps can find him!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

He’s a traitor!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

You lie, you shag-eared

villain!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

What! You egg!Son of a traitor!

ACT fourSCENE two

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

I’m dead! Run mom!BLOOD BATH!

MEANWHILE, IN ENGLAND

SCENE THREE

ACT four

SonSonLadyLady

MacduffMacduff

I’m dead! Run mom!BLOOD BATH!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Let’s rest and cry about our

poor Scotland.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Forget that! Let’s go save Scotland. Each day we wait, it gets worse and

worse there.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

When the time’s right, we will. You say you hate

Macbeth, but you might be here to spy on me for him.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Dude, I’m not a traitor.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Yeah, but Macbeth is, and he might have commanded you to

do this. But I’ll find a way to prove your loyalty. You still have your virtue, you know?

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Damn. All hope is lost.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

I notice you left your wife and kids behind, and that gives me doubts about you. How

could you trust they would be okay? Don’t take offense, I just got to watch my back.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Ach, poor Scotland. That tyranny that destroys my country would never have me on its side. I could not be the villain you suspect.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Don’t be offended. I think our country is in a dire situation and I look forward to going over there

and killing that Macbeth and taking over, but then the country will have

an even worse ruler, I’m afraid.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Who would that be?

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Me, my man. I’m so wicked evil that when I rule, Macbeth

will seem as pure as snow compared to my wickedness.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

No way is anyone worse than that Macbeth.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Sure, he’s bloody, lustful, violent, false, greedy, lying, unhygienic, evil, laundry-

thieving, luxurious, envious, crabby, annoying, flatulent, shrill, disturbing, perverted, creepy, compulsive, pickled,

drunk, snoring, eating his own dandruff, parking in

handicapped spaces, sweaty, mean, smelly, tasteless, loud,

obnoxious, avaricious, voluptuous, compulsively-scratching, intimidating,

unable to discern between ham and beef, ugly,

anachronistic, repetitive, and

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

But I am worse. I’m so lustful, that your wives, daughters, matrons, maids, nieces, and

grandmothers could not satisfy my desires. Anyone who tried to stop me would be killed. It’s better to have Macbeth than a

horny freak like me.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Yeah, lustfulness has brought down a lot of people, but when you’re king, your appetites can

be satisfied by all the chicks that would be willing to give

themselves to the king.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Yeah, but I am also so greedy that, if king, I will steal nobles’ lands, take their money and houses, and then just want

more. I’ll start fights and wars to destroy anyone for their

money.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Okay… Greed is bad too, but again, when you’re king, you

get so much wealth and power that you might be satisfied. And

these problems might be balanced with your virtues.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Oh buddy, I ain’t got no virtues. I have no honesty, mercy, loyalty, patience, courage,

fortitude, or stableness. I got no time for them, only time for

crime. When I have my power, I’ll bring hell to earth! Yee-haw!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

O Scotland, my poor Scotland!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

So, if I’m fit to be king, let me know.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Fit to be king?! No, you’re not fit to live! Scotland is screwed! Macbeth is awful, but I don’t want you to be king either! I will never be able to return to

my beloved homeland!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Dude, I got some good news. I was just testing you, buddy, and you’re solid. I’m not a bad guy –

I have never lied (except just now), would stay loyal to

anyone, have never even been with a woman, and delight in

everything that is good! What I am truly is yours and our

country’s to command. Old Siward and I have ten thousand men ready to invade Scotland.

Let’s go join him and kick Macbeth’s butt!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Wow! You’re playing with my emotions, and I love it.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Hi everybody!Hi Dr. Nick!

Hi Dr. Nick!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

I’m here to talk about how England’s king heals people with his hands. It’s not too important to the story. Shakespeare put

me in the play because he knew King James the First liked witchcraft so much.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Hey, let’s just skip this stuff.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

Okay. Bye, everybody!

Bye, Dr. Nick!

Bye, Dr. Nick!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Hey guys – Scotland is falling apart.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Hey Ross. How are my wife and kids?

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Oh… um, they’re… fine. They’re… at peace.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Scotland’s getting ready for war, but a lot of people are

rebelling and want to help you.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Well, let them know that we have ten thousand of Old Siward’s

troops heading their way.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Wow, I really wish I had as good of news to share with you. I got

some bad news for Macduff.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Uh oh, let me have it.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Your castle was attacked, and your family was slaughtered. It

was apparently a, um, bloodbath.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Merciful heaven! Macduff – let your sorrow out – we’re

here for you, buddy.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

We’ll get revenge on him.

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

How? Macbeth has no kids to kill! My poor wife and kids!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

I could cry and boast about what I will do, but I will instead

just say this –Macbeth – thy butt is mine!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

Let’s go do it! Our troops are ready and Macbeth is ready to

fall. Let’s go do this!!!

ACT fourSCENE THREE

MALCOLM

ROSS

THE END OF ACT four

MACBETH’S CEMETERY

MACDONWALD

DRUNK GUARDS

DUNCANBANQUO

LADY MACDUFF

SON MACDUFF