ACT 1: SCENE 1: (OPEN TO THE BUCKETS HOME, WITH MR AND MRS BUCKET, CHARLIE AND ALL GRANDPARENTS)

NARRATOR: This is a story of an ordinary little boy named Charlie Bucket. He was not faster or stronger or cleverer than other children. His family was not rich, or powerful, or well-connected. In fact, they barely had enough to eat. Charlie Bucket was the luckiest boy in the entire world. He just didn’t know it yet.

MR BUCKET: Evening, Buckets.

GRANDPA JOE: Evening.

CHARLIE: Hi, Dad.

MRS BUCKET: Soup’s almost ready, darling. Er, don’t suppose there’s anything extra to put in, love. Oh well. Nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage.

MR BUCKET: Charlie… I found something I think you’ll like.

NARRATOR: Charlie’s father worked at the local toothpaste factory. The hours were long, and the pay was terrible… yet occasionally there were unexpected surprises.

CHARLIE: It’s exactly what I need.

GRANDPA JOE: What is it, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Dad found it, just the piece I needed.

GRANDPA JOE: What piece was it?

CHARLIE: A head for Willy Wonka.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Well, how wonderful.

GRANDPA JOE: It’s quite a likeness.

CHARLIE: You think so?

GRANDPA JOE: Think so? I know so. I saw Willy Wonka with my own two eyes. I used to work for him, you know.

CHARLIE: You did?

GRANDPA JOE: I did?

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: He did.

GRANDPA GEORGE: He did.

GRANDMA GEORGINA: I love grapes.

GRANDPA JOE: Of course, I was a much younger man in those days. Willy Wonka began with a single store on Cherry Street. But the whole world wanted his candy. The man was a genius. Did you know, he invented a new way of making chocolate ice cream, so that it stays cold for hours without a freezer? You can even leave it lying in the sun on a hot day, and it won’t go runny.

CHARLIE: But that’s impossible.

GRANDPA JOE: But Willy Wonka did it. Before long, he decided to build a proper chocolate factory. The largest chocolate factory in history. Fifty times as big as any other.

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GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Tell him about the Indian prince. He’d like to hear about that.

GRANDPA JOE: You mean Prince Pondicherry? Well, Prince Pondicherry wrote a letter to Mr Wonka and asked him to come all the way out to India and build him a colossal palace entirely out of chocolate. Mr Wonka said ‘It will have one hundred rooms, and everything will be made of either dark or light chocolate’ True to his word, the bricks were chocolate and the cement holding them together was chocolate. All the walls and ceilings were made of chocolate as well. So were the carpets and the pictures, and the furniture. The Prince though it was perfect in every way. But Wonka warned the prince it wouldn’t last long and had better start eating right away. But the prince thought this was nonsense and intended to live in it. But Mr Wonka was right, of course.

Soon after this, there came a very hot day with a boiling sun. the prince sent and urgent telegram requesting a new palace, but Willy Wonka was facing problems of his own. All the other chocolate makers, you see, had grown jealous of Mr Wonka. They began sending in spies to steal his secret recipes. Ficklegruber started making an ice cream that would never melt. Prodnose came out with a chewing gum that never lost its flavour. Then Slugworth began making candy balloons that you could blow up to incredible sizes.

The thievery got so bad that one day, without warning Mr Wonka told every single one of his workers to go home. He announced that he was closing his chocolate factory for ever.

CHARLIE: But it didn’t close for ever. It’s open right now.

MRS BUCKET: Ah, yes. Well, sometimes when grown-ups say ‘for ever’, they mean ‘a very long time’.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Such as, ‘I feel like I’ve eaten nothing but cabbage soup for ever’.

MR BUCKET: Now, Pops.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: The factory did close, Charlie.

GRANDPA JOE: And it seemed like it was going to be closed for ever. Then one day we saw smoke rising from the chimneys. The factory was back in business.

CHARLIE: Did you get your job back?

GRANDPA JOE: No. No one did.

CHARLIE: But there must be people working there.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Think about it, Charlie. Have you ever seen a single person going into that factory, or coming out of it?

CHARLIE: No. The gates are always closed.

GRANDPA JOE: Exactly.

CHARLIE: But then, who’s running the machines?

MRS BUCKET: Nobody knows, Charlie.

MR BUCKET: It certainly is a mystery.

CHARLIE: Hasn’t someone asked Mr Wonka?

GRANDPA JOE: Nobody sees him anymore. He never comes out. The only thing 2

that comes out of that place, is the candy. . . already packed and addressed. I’d give anything in the world just to go in one more time, and see what’s become of that amazing factory.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Well, you won’t, because you can’t. no one can. It’s a mystery and it will always be a mystery. That little factory of yours, Charlie, is as close as any of us is ever going to get.

MRS BUCKET: Come on, Charlie. I think it’s time we let your grandparents get some sleep.

CHARLIE: Before that I have a letter for Mr Wonka I wrote, do you want to hear it?

SONG 1: A LETTER FROM CHARLIE BUCKET

CHARLIE: Dear Mr. Wonka, I know that you’re a busy man. You must have lots of mail to read. I’m writing for my family cause there’s nothing special that I need. The time you take to read this letter will be time well spent, Because I’ve made a list of things you might want to invent.

MR BUCKET: How’s your homework?

CHARLIE: Almost done.

MR BUCKET: That’s my Charlie, that’s my son.

CHARLIE: For Dad, who’s always on his feet, You might just grant me this one wish. To keep his shoes attached to him, Some bootstraps made of licorice! For Josephine, I have drawn a recipe beneath for molars made of marzipan. When she can’t find her teeth!

MRS BUCKET: Have you scrubbed up?

CHARLIE: Yes, I did.

MRS BUCKET: That’s my Charlie, that’s my kid.

CHARLIE: When I was smaller than I am, I think one day we saw the sea. My mum, she had an ice cream and was happy as a mum can be. For her I would invent an ice cream that would never melt, So she can feel all day the way. I wish she always felt. For Grandpa George and his Georgina, Something not in any store. Some pillows made of marshmallows, To keep the noise down when they snore! For Grandpa Joe who soon is turning Ninety and one half, A joke book made of jelly beans, Cause he just loves to laugh!

GRANDPARENTS: Off to bed now,

CHARLIE: Counting sheep.

GRANDPARENTS: Hope we don’t die in our sleep!

CHARLIE: I think I’ve thought of everything, For you to add you special touch. And when these things are all complete, If it’s not asking far too much, Please drop them off yourself so we can ask you, “How d’ya do?” And, well, I’d like one Wonka bar, That I would share with you. Signed, Charlie Bucket

ALL: Goodnight, Charlie Bucket.

CHARLIE: Signed Charlie Bucket, inventor!

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NARRATOR That very night, the impossible had already been set in motion.

SCENE 2

WILLY WONKA: Dear people of the world. . . I, Willy Wonka, have decided to allow five children to visit my factory this year. In addition, one of these children shall receive a special prize beyond anything you could ever imagine.

SONG 2: NEWS OF AUGUSTA’S

CHARLIE BUCKET: Oh! Grandpa! Look! The headline!

GRANDPA JOE: What headline?

GRANDMA JOSEPHINA: Read it Charlie.

CHARLIE BUCKET: Willy Wonka has announced an amazing competition. Find a golden ticket and you could win a dream trip to his chocolate factory, with a guided tour conducted by Mr. Willy Wonka himself!

GRANDPA JOE: Five golden tickets have been hidden inside the wrappers of five Wonka chocolate bars. Your challenge is to find one!

JERRY: Breaking news! We interrupt this programme to bring you news that the first Wonka ticket winner has been found. To find out more, let’s go straight over to our chief confectionary correspondent, Cherry Sundae. Cherry, where are you?

CHERRY SUNDAE: Jerry, I’m in Bavaria! Here in this sleepy mountain town it seems like a chocolate dream has come true for local butcher’s son, and three times regional bratwurst eating champion, Augustus Gloop!

MRS GLOOP: Augustus, my little pumpkin, smile for the cameras!

CHERRY SUNDAE: Augustus, how do you feel?

AUGUSTUS GLOOP: *belches*

CHERRY SUNDAE: Charming. So Mrs. Gloop...

SONG 3: MORE OF HIM TO LOVE

CHERRY SUNDAE: The story of hope, how did it all begin?

MRS GLOOP: Oh when I was just a girl, I used to dream of a boy, Who would bring me lots of sweets, And be mein Schwarzwald of joy, My Herr Gloop was quite a meal, But now he seems like just a crumb, ‘Cause it turns out that dessert was yet to come! So we were wed and in mein magen, Something big began to bloom, And my liver and my kidney, Had to vacate to make room, Then the blessed day arrived, And out he rolled so round and sweet, And the first words that he uttered were...

AUGUSTUS GLOOP: Let’s eat!

MRS GLOOP: Ja! So mit strudel, he’d canoodle, How he loved my pretzel pie He ate the whole kit and kaboodle And grew wide as well as high Though his size is rather shocking He’s what I was traumen of ‘Cause there is more, more, more of him to love Go ahead

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Augustus, don’t be shy. Schpill your guts!

AUGUSTUS GLOOP: Like mein mutter und mein vater I enjoy a healthy meal Yes my outside’s soft und flabby, But my inside’s made of steel We raise piggies in the backyard And I eat them limb from limb

MR GLOOP: We don’t leave our dachshunds all alone with him!

MRS GLOOP: Nein!

AUGUSTUS GLOOP: So this morning I was eating, When such hunger did attack, and fifty Wonka bars were waiting, For a nice mid-breakfast snack, But the taste was kind of different, Like a bratwurst three days old, So I spit it out and saw I had struck gold! Now I’m the perfect ticket winner, For on chocolate I did teeth, I am excited but keep eating ‘Cause I only stop to breath, And a lifetime full of chocolate, A gesundheit from above And there’ll be more, more, more of me to love.

GROUP: Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Te-o-lo-de-o-de-lay Te-o-lo-de-o-de-lay Te-o-lo-de-o-de-lay Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Te-o-lo-de-o-de-lay Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Oh-de-lay-ee Te-o-lo-de-o-de-lay

GRANDPA JOE: Wouldn’t it be something, Charlie, to open a bar of candy and find a golden ticket inside?

CHARLIE: I know, but I only get one bar a year, for my birthday.

MRS BUCKET: Well, it’s your birthday next week.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: You have as much chance as anybody does.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Balderdash. The kids who’re going to find the golden tickets are the ones who can afford to buy candy bars every day like that Augustus boy. Our Charlie gets only one a year. He doesn’t have a chance.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Everyone has a chance, Charlie.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: What a repulsive boy that Augustus.

CHARLIE: Only four golden tickets left.

GRANDPA JOE: Now that they’ve found one, things will get really crazy.

SCENE 3

SONG 4: NEWS OF VERUCA

JERRY: Breaking news! A second golden ticket has been found. And here to tell us all about it, is our mistress of all matters Wonka, Cherry Sundae. Cherry, where are you?

CHERRY SUNDAE: Jerry, I’m in England! Our winner is twelve, she likes ballet, she’s the daughter of a peanut billionaire, and her name is Veruca Salt. Mr. Salt, tell all!

MR SALT: As soon as Mr. Wonka made his announcement, my Veruca expressed her very keen interest in the competition.

VERUCA SALT: I want a ticket NOW!

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MR SALT: How could I possibly refuse?

VERUCA SALT: More!

MR SALT: I buy another store

VERUCA SALT: Now!

MR SALT: The sweat forms on my brow

VERUCA SALT: Again!

MR SALT: No matter where or when We’d better all count out and

VERUCA SALT: More! Now! Again!

MR SALT: When Veruca says

VERUCA SALT: Out!

MR SALT: There is no reasonable doubt And when Veruca says

VERUCA SALT: Fetch!

MR SALT: There is no time to fetch And when Veruca says

VERUCA SALT: Array!

MR SALT: You’d better find a way, To make your dollar stretch for

VERUCA SALT: Out! Fetch! Array!

MR SALT: So when she heard of Wonka’s prize, She started to attack, So I told my peanut shellers, Here’s a tougher nut to crack, You’ve each a thousand Wonka bars, Start shelling them at once, For when Veruca’s happy, It’s much better for her pappy. For forty days and forty nights, The ladies tried to pick it, And always to the music of

VERUCA SALT: I want a golden ticket! I want a golden ticket!

MR SALT: And then a girl cried out, And in her hand a panacea, A golden ticket on display, And what did sweet Veruca say?

VERUCA SALT: Daddy

MR SALT: Yes?

VERUCA SALT: Buy me North Korea!

MR SALT: When Veruca says

VERUCA SALT: Buy!

MR SALT: It’s like a battle cry And when Veruca says

VERUCA SALT: Mine!

MR SALT: Well, I’ve jelly for a spine And if Veruca said

VERUCA SALT: Please?

MR SALT: I’d know it was a tease before her

VERUCA SALT: (Overlapping) More! Now! Out! Mine! Fetch! Buy!

MR SALT: (Overlapping)Uh- And- Uh- Uh- Uh-

MR SALT: And when she finally falls asleep, We pray and say ‘Amen’ Till tomorrow when it all begins.

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VERUCA SALT: Again!

MR SALT: Again!

GRANDPA GEORGE: She’s even worse than the fat boy.

CHARLIE: I don’t think that was really fair. She didn’t find the ticket herself.

GRANDPA JOE: Don’t worry about it, Charlie. That man spoils his daughter. And no good ever comes from spoiling a child like that.

MR BUCKET: Charlie, your Mum and I thought . . . maybe you wanna open your birthday present tonight.

MRS BUCKET: Here you are. (Mr Bucket hands Charlie a Chocolate Bar)

CHARLIE: Maybe I should wait till morning.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Like hell.

MR BUCKET: Pop.

GRANDPA JOE: All together, we’re three hundred and eighty-one years old. We don’t wait.

MRS BUCKET: Now, Charlie, you mustn’t feel too disappointed, you know, if you don’t get the. . .

MR BUCKET: Whatever happens, you’ll still have the candy. (Charlie Slowly opens up the chocolate bar to discover no golden ticket)

GRANDPA JOE: Ah, well. That’s that.

CHARLIE: We’ll share it.

GRANDPA JOE: Oh, no, Charlie. Not your birthday present.

CHARLIE: It’s my candy bar, and I’ll do what I want with it.

MRS BUCKET: Thank you, darling.

MR BUCKET: Thank you, Charlie.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Bless you. (A breaking news announcement comes on tv)

SCENE 4

SONG 5: NEWS OF VIOLET

JERRY: Breaking news! We have a third golden ticket winner. Cherry, where are you?

CHERRY SUNDAE: I’m in California, Jerry, where lady luck has landed in the lap of local gum celebrity, Violet Beauregarde. Here’s her father. Mr. Beauregarde, would you like to make a statement?

MR BEAUREGARDE: As a matter of fact, I would.

SONG 6: DOUBLE BUBBLE DUCHESS What kinda music do you love? Pop! We all are vultures if the

cultures pop! When you want daddy whatcha call out? Pop! And speaking of daddies I’m the pa, Who has a little daughter

with a million dollar jaw! And when she gets to chewing ain’t no way she’s gonna stop! This little star’ll make your jaws drop!

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People of the world, allow me to introduce a little lady who’s royalty of the highest order! She’s the Double Bubble Duchess, she’s my daughter, and her name is... Well her name is...

VIOLET: Well, my name is Violet Beauregarde and I like gum! I chew so good it’s made me the sensation I’ve become! For over half a year well I been blowing this Bazooka, It’s fruity not nutty like that stupid girl Veruca! You’ll find my competition is on traction or on crutches, And that is why my title is the Double Bubble Duchess!

CHORUS: The Double Bubble Duchess, that’s her sticky claim to fame! She’s always on the bubble, So file it, Violet Beauregarde’s the name!

CHERRY: You’re addiction to chewing, when did it all begin?

VIOLET: Well, it started as a baby cause I talked a mile a minute, My momma thought my mouth would stop if she put something in it! No matter what she gave me I could chew with inspiration! I started breaking records with my dental dedication! “It seemed she could chew anything she got within her clutches!” And that is why my title is the Double Bubble Duchess!

CHORUS: The Double Bubble Duchess, that’s her sticky claim to fame! She’s always on the bubble, So file it, Violet Beauregarde’s the name!

CHERRY: Violet, what we really want to know is how did you get your ticket?

VIOLET: When I heard about the contest, I joined the chocolate war. I may like chewing gum but I like winning even more. I bought a Wonka bar, threw the wrapper, started slatching, I won a golden ticket and the cameras started flashing! So now it seems I’m famous,

I’m all over the TV, Cornelia Prinzmetal, she’s as jealous as can be! The movies are all calling and the networks are pursuing, I bet my dad could even sell this Juicy Fruit I’m chewing! “There’s gold in her molars and in everything she touches!” And that is why my title is the Double Bubble Duchess!

The Double Bubble Duchess, that’s her sticky claim to fame! She’s always on the bubble, So file it, Violet Beauregarde’s the name! The Double Bubble Duchess, that’s her sticky claim to fame! She’s always on the bubble, And let me tell ya, I love to snap, I love to chew! When I’m done its on your shoe! I’m never gonna stop, Pop! Ummm... I heart gum!

The Double Bubble Duchess, that’s her sticky claim to fame! She’s always on the bubble, So file it, Violet Beauregarde’s the name! The Double Bubble Duchess, that’s her sticky claim to fame! She’s always on the bubble, And baby I’m here to pop and stake my claim! That’s in the card, yeah Beauregarde’s the name!

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: What a beastly girl.

GRANDMA GEORGINA: Despicable.

GRANDPA GEORGE: You don’t know what we’re talking about.

GRANDMA GEORGINA: Dragonflies?

MAN ON TV: But wait, this is just in. The fourth golden ticket has been found by a boy called Mike Teavee.

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SONG 7: NEWS OF MIKE

JERRY: Cherry where are you now?

CHERRY: Jerry Im in Suburbia

SONG 8: ITS TEAVEE TIME

MRS TEAVEE: Hello, hello, hello! Welcome. My name’s Doris Teavee. Ah, cups on doilies please. This is my husband Norman.

MR TEAVEE: What?

MRS TEAVEE: We have a prepared statement. Oh welcome to you gentlemen And ladies of the press How wonderful to share this day with you You’ve traveled far and wide, Don’t be shy please come inside I’ve plates of petit-four and cheese fondue The reason that you’ve gathered Is to meet my little boy The hero of the good old USA So if you’re all strapped in Let the press conference begin Little angel do you have something to say?

MIKE TEAVEE: Bang! Bang! Futuristic rodeo! See Captain Knuckleduster Hang em’ on high Take your hard-drive, boot em’ up For a cyber shoot em’ up This is the life NOW DIE!

MRS TEAVEE: Oh, Mike is just high spirited That’s what the doctor said He’s just a mini version of my spouse

MR TEAVEE: What?

MRS TEAVEE: And they said it was a phase When he set the cat ablaze But the authorities request That little Mike not leave the house And so we let him sit at the Computer day and night He’s promised me that he Won’t ever budge ‘Cause things went from bad to worse When he chloroformed that nurse Darling, tell the people What you told the judge?

MIKE TEAVEE: Hack! Hack! I sacked the Wonka mainframe I’m Captain Knuckleduster I’m a super spy Cracked his password ‘goldenstar’ Never had to buy a bar This is the life NOW DIE!

MRS TEAVEE: It was just a childhood prank When he stole that German tank But we never wish that we had had a daughter Medication sets us free One for Mike and two for me And at six I pour a shot of mommy water Well, it has been a pleasure Having you inside our home To see he’s just a little boy at play And though I break out in the sweats When we hide his cigarettes We’ve got him down to just two packs a day And now we’ll go to Wonka’s Where he’ll make some brand new friends I pray to God he fits in with the gang But if there is no TV It’ll be like World War Three But for now let him go out with a-

MIKE TEAVEE: Bang! Bang! {Been playing on for fifty hours} Watch Captain Knuckleduster Make the losers cry

MRS TEAVEE: You can bet for sure this kid’ll win

MIKE TEAVEE: Mommy, where’s my ritalin? This is the life NOW DIE!

MRS TEAVEE: Thanks for coming!

CHARLIE: Dad?

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MR BUCKET: Yes, Charlie?

CHARLIE: Why aren’t you at work?

MR BUCKET: Oh, well, er, the toothpaste factory thought they’d give me a bit of time off.

CHARLIE: Like summer vacation?

MR BUCKET: Sure. Something like that.

NARRATOR: In fact, it wasn’t like a vacation at all. The upswing in candy sales had led to a rise in cavities, which led to a rise in toothpaste sales. With the extra money, the factory had decided to modernise, eliminating Mr Bucket’s job.

MR BUCKET: We were barely making ends meet as it was.

MRS BUCKET: You’ll find another job. Until then, I’ll just, um. . . Well, I’ll just thin down the soup a little more. Don’t worry, Mr Bucket, our luck will change. I know it.

GRANDPA JOE: Charlie. My secret hoard. You and I, are going to have one more fling . . . at finding that last ticket.

CHARLIE: Are you sure you want to spend your money on that, Grandpa?

GRANDPA JOE: Of course I’m sure. Here. Run down to the nearest store, and buy the first Wonka candy bar you see. Bring it straight back, and we’ll open it together. Such a good boy, really. Ah, such a good. . .

(Charlie runs down to the store)

SONG 8 – CANDY MAN

SHOPKEEPER : Who can take a sunrise, Sprinkle it with dew, Cover it in chocolate And a miracle or two? The candyman, The candyman can, The candyman can cause he mixes it with love And makes the world taste good. Who can take a rainbow, Wrap it in a sigh, Soak it in the sun And make the strawberry lemon pie?

CHILDREN: The candyman?

SHOPKEEPER: The candyman, The candyman can, The candyman can cause he mixes it with love And makes the world taste good, Willy Wonka makes, Everything he bakes, Satisfying and delicious, Talk about your childhood wishes, You can even eat the dishes. Who can take tomorrow, Dip it in a dream, Separate the sorrow And collect up all the cream?

CHILDREN: Willy Wonka can

SHOPKEEPER: The candyman can, The candyman can cause he mixes it with love And makes the world taste good And the world tastes good

Cause the candyman thinks it should

CHARLIE: One Wonka Bar please

SHOPKEEPER: Here you go, enjoy (Charlie runs back home)

CHARLIE: Grandpa? You fell asleep.

GRANDPA JOE: Have you got it? Which end should we open first?

CHARLIE: Just do it quick, like a band-aid. (Much to their dismay no golden ticket was in the bar)

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SCENE 5: OUTSIDE SHOP

MAN 1: Did you see that some kid in Russia found the last golden ticket?

MAN 2: Yes, it was in the paper this morning.

CHARLIE: One Wonka Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight, please.

SHOPKEEPER: Okay. Here.

(BREAKING NEWS)

JERRY: This just in, the ticket found by a Russian boy was a fake! This means there is still one ticket out there.

WOMAN 1: The nerve of some people.

SHOPKEEPER: I know. Forging a ticket. Come on. (Charlie opens up his Chocolate bar and there was a golden ticket) It’s a golden ticket. You found Wonka’s last golden ticket. In my shop too!

MAN: Listen. I’ll buy it from you. I’ll give you fifty dollars, and a new bicycle.

WOMAN 2: Are you crazy? I’d give him five-hundred dollars for that ticket. You wanna sell me your ticket for five-hundred dollars, young man?

SHOPKEEPER: That’s enough of that. Leave the kid alone. Listen, don’t let anyone have it. Take it straight home. You understand?

CHARLIE: Thank you. (Charlie starts to run home when he is stopped)

SLUGSWORTH: Why hello little boy, please listen to what I have to say. My name is Slugs worth and if you bring me back the everlasting Gobstopper I will make you and your family rich beyond your wildest dreams. Just remember Ever Lasting Gobstopper! (Slugs worth exits)

SCENE 6

CHARLIE: Mom! Dad! I found it! The last golden ticket! It’s mine!

GRANDPA JOE: Yippee! Here. Read it aloud. Let’s hear exactly what it says.

MR BUCKET: ‘Greetings to you, the lucky finder of this golden ticket, from Mr Willy Wonka. I shake you warmly by the hand. For now, I do invite you to come to my factory and be my guest for one whole day.’ I, Willy Wonka, will conduct you around the factory myself, showing you everything there is to see.’ Afterwards, when it is time to leave, you will be escorted home by a procession of large trucks, each filled with all the chocolate you could ever eat.’ ‘And remember, one of you lucky five children will receive an extra prize beyond your wildest imagination. Now, here are your instructions.’ ‘On the first of February, you must come to the factory gates at ten a.m. sharp. You’re allowed to bring one member of your family to look after you. Until then, Willy Wonka.’

MRS BUCKET: The first of February. But that’s tomorrow.

GRANDPA JOE: Then there’s not a moment to lose. Wash your face, comb your hair, scrub your hands, brush your teeth, blow your nose.

GRANDPA GEORGE: And get that mud off your pants.11

MRS BUCKET: Now we must all try and keep very calm. First thing that we have to decide is this: Who is going, with Charlie, to the factory?

GRANDPA JOE: I will. I’ll take him. You leave it to me.

MRS BUCKET: How about you, dear? Don’t you think you ought to go?

MR BUCKET: Well, Grandpa Joe seems to know more about it than we do. . . Provided, of course, he feels well enough.

GRANDPA JOE: Yippee!

CHARLIE: No. We’re not going. A woman offered me five-hundred dollars for the ticket. I bet someone else would pay more. We need the money more than we need the chocolate.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Young man, come here. There’s plenty of money out there. They print more every day. But this ticket, there’s only five of them in the whole world, and that’s all there’s ever going to be. Only a dummy would give this up for something as common as money. Are you a dummy?

CHARLIE: No, sir.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Then get that mud off your pants. You’ve got a factory to go to.

SONG 9 – GOLDEN TICKET

GRANDPA JOE: I never thought my life could be, Anything but catastrophe, But suddenly I begin to see, A bit of good luck for me. ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket, I’ve got a golden twinkle in my eye, I never had a chance to shine, Never a happy song to sing, But suddenly half the world is mine, What an amazing thing. ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket [Spoken] It’s ours, Charlie!

I’ve got a golden sun up in the sky, I never thought I’d see the day When I would face the world and say, Good morning, look at

the sun, I never thought that I would be, Slap in the lap of luxury, ‘Cause I’d have said:

CHARLIE: It couldn’t be done

GRANDPA JOE: But it can be done, I never dreamed that I would climb, Over the moon in ecstasy, But nevertheless, it’s there that I’m, Shortly about to be

GRANDPA JOE & CHARLIE: ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket, I’ve got a golden chance to make my way, And with a golden ticket, it’s a golden day

GRANDPA JOE: [Spoken] Good morning, look at the sun!

GRANDPA JOE & CHARLIE: ‘Cause I’d have said, It couldn’t be done

GRANDPA JOE: But it can be done, I never dreamed that I would climb, Over the moon in ecstasy, But nevertheless, it’s there that I’m, Shortly about to be, ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket

GRANDPA JOE & CHARLIE: ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket, I’ve got a golden chance to make my way, And with a golden ticket, it’s a golden day

VERUCA: Daddy, I want to go in.

MR SALT: It’s nine-fifty-nine, sweetheart.

VERUCA: Make time go faster.12

CHARLIE: Do you think Mr Wonka will recognise you?

GRANDPA JOE: Hard to say. It’s been years.

MR BEAUREGARDE: Eyes on the prize, Violet. Eyes on the prize.

WILLY WONKA (VOICE): Please enter. Come forward. (All ticket winners move in) Close the gates. Dear visitors, it is my great pleasure to welcome you to my humble factory. And who am I? Well. . .

SONG 10: PUPPET SONG

Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, The amazing chocolatier. Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, Everybody give a cheer! Hooray! He’s modest, clever and so smart, He barely can restrain it. With so much generosity, there is no way to contain it! To contain it! To contain, to contain, to contain! Hooray! Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, He’s the one that you’re about to meet. Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, He’s the genius who just can’t be beat. The magician and the chocolate whiz. The best darn guy who ever lived. Willy Wonka, here he is! The amazing chocolatier.

WILLY WONKA: Wasn’t that just magnificent? I was worried it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but then that finale. . . Wow!

VIOLET: Who are you?

GRANDPA JOE: He’s Willy Wonka.

CHARLIE: Really?

WILLY WONKA: Good morning, starshine. The earth says hello. Dear guests, greetings. Welcome to the factory. I shake you warmly by the hand. My name is Willy Wonka.

VERUCA: Then shouldn’t you be up there?

WILLY WONKA: Well, I couldn’t very well watch the show from up there, now, could I, little girl?

GRANDPA JOE: Mr Wonka, I don’t know if you’ll remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.

WILLY WONKA: Were you one of those despicable spies who every day tried to steal my life’s work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat, candy making cads?

GRANDPA JOE: No, sir.

WILLY WONKA: Then wonderful. Welcome back. Let’s get a move on, kids.

AUGUSTUS: Don’t you want to know our names?

WILLY WONKA: Can’t imagine how it would matter. Come quickly. For too much to see. Just drop your coats anywhere.

SONG 11: STRIKE THAT REVERSE IT

WONKA: Goodness, is that the time? Our schedule has no room for intros, languid and rubato... Accelerate right to the verse and play it molto presto and staccato! What zigzag roads and fickle fates have led you to my chocolate gates? I’m sure the stories would enthrall, but time is racing by us all, I’d love a rhyme or riddle or two, but there’s so much time, so little to do! So much time, so little to do? Please strike that, reverse it! I meant the other way!

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It doesn’t take a Sigmund Freud, to see I’m charmed and overjoyed, but pardon if I start to fret, we’ve not begun our journey yet! No time to borrow or delay, what’s here tomorrow’s gone today! What’s here tomorrow’s gone today? Whoops strike that, reverse it! My tongue has feet of clay!

You bid the tasteless world adieu to chew the goo awaiting you but scurry, for the Wonka clock keeps ticking! Inside these doors

the floors are sweet, there’s rugs and carpets you can eat, and best of all, the wallpaper needs licking! This day of punctuality is scheduled to the Nth degree, I wish that there was time to share

my thoughts on makeup, clothes, and hair... Madam!

MRS TEAVEE: Yes?

WONKA: Sine qua non and entre nous... Your foot is on the other shoe!

MRS TEAVEE: Oh my god...

WONKA: Please strike that, reverse it! Let’s get on with our day! Frau Gloop!

MRS GLOOP: Oh, mister Wonka, guten tag!

WONKA: Willkommen. And you must be Augustus! Goodness, you look so faa...ntastically healthy. I could eat you up- except I’m on a diet!

Speaking of diets, I must confiscate your sausage!

AUGUSTUS: But sir it’s my lunch!

WONKA: Not anymore... You may go first but lose the wurst!

AUGUSTUS: That’s sad because I love ‘em

WONKA: To lead our group, Augustus Gloop, for who could lose sight of him?

ALL: Yes who could lose sight of him!

MR SALT: Wonka, Sir Robert Salt, Salt’s Salted Nuts!

WONKA: Pleased to meet you Bob, peanut business treating you well?

MR SALT: Well actually it’s been....

WONKA: Oh interesting. We could talk all day... Except we won’t! No! I’m joking of course! I’m fascinated by nuts! I used to be one

myself... And who’s this adorable tot in a tutu?

VERUCA: Veruca!

WONKA: Ah, like the wart.

VERUCA: The warts got two C’s, I’ve got one.

WONKA: One wart?

VERUCA: One C!

WONKA: I see.

VERUCA: YOU SEE!!

WONKA: you see... Ok, I see. I say, you are, going to be fun! Heh heh heh! It’s a pleasure, dear, to have you here, Where did you get that mink?

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VERUCA: Are you for real?!

MR SALT: it’s baby seal that’s clubbed then tickled pink.

ALL: It’s clubbed then tickled, clubbed then tickled, Clubbed then tickled pink!

MR BEAUREGARDE: Eugene Beauregarde, please smile for the camera! And surely you already know the Double Bubble Duchess.

WONKA: It’s a pleasure to meet you, now what is it exactly you do?

VIOLET: I chew!

MR BEAUREGARDE: Same gum for the last three years!

WONKA: That’s quite an achievement!

MR BEAUREGARDE: It’s a jaw-popping world record! She’s got her own TV show, line of perfume, and we are opening up boutiques all over the world! Isn’t she something?

WONKA: She’s certainly something, Mr. Beauregarde, I’m just not sure what.

VIOLET: Hey just let me in I’m here to win!

WONKA: You like to beat your drum! Your confidence is quite intense but just don’t jump the gum!

ALL: Don’t jump, don’t jump, just don’t jump the-

MIKE: Pow! Pow! Bye bye, blubber boy!

WONKA: Good heavens!

MIKE: Out of my way, old man!

MRS TEAVEE: Oh Michael, play nice now!

WONKA: Mike Teavee... Aren’t you the boy who got his ticket by hacking into my computers?!

MRS TEAVEE: Oh Mr. Wonka, those are just allegations!

WONKA: So Mike the brain you must explain just how you cracked my system!

MIKE: Shut up old coot I’m trying to shoot the fat kid, shoot I missed him!

ALL: Fat, shoot, missed him!

WONKA: It seems that I’ve left someone out. Who else is there, now give a shout!

CHARLIE: Uh, Mr. Wonka, I’m the last.

WONKA: Is least the last to join our cast, who are you?

CHARLIE: Charlie Bucket, sir!

WONKA: Oh yes, you’re the boy who got his Golden Ticket at the very last moment; don’t leave it so late next time! And you must be Grandpa Joe!

GRANDPA JOE: At your service, sir!

WONKA: Enraptured, Charlie, er, overjoyed... Is something wrong?15

CHARLIE: It’s nothing, sir.

WONKA: Oh, nothing is always something, Charlie... Except when a person makes something out of nothing! Now what is it with you?

CHARLIE: I don’t know.

WONKA: Are- are you the sort of boy who something out of nothing?

CHARLIE: No sir... It’s just- you’re not what I expected.

WONKA: That’s a coincidence. I’m not what I expected either! Now, messes Bucket, Salt, and Beauregarde, Madame Teavee and Shatzi Gloop, You’re visitors in my backyard when shepherding this tiny troupe. And so I look to you to lead your future generations, I must insist you hear and heed my rules and regulations! Outside my doors you’re free to do, The charming things that make you you, The traits that make you each a kid

A mirror of your parents id, But once inside you must obey, Do as I do, not as I say! Damn, strike that, reverse it! Oh the games the mind can play...

AUGUSTUS: Which way to the buffet?

WONKA: I’d love to lounge and lolly gag And give each tongue the chance to wag, But I must get you all to sign this contract on the dotted line, There’s no reprise, the way time flies to do the T’s and cross the I’s! Whoops strike that, reverse it! Please ink without delay!

MR SALT: May I see the dossier?

MR BEAUREGARDE: And negotiate her pay?

ALL: Sir what does this contract say?

WONKA: Well... The undersigned herein cite for, No frippery or force majour, No property be touched or chewed or peddled!

ALL: What’d he say?

WONKA: De facto habeas corpus laws, For you a new grandfather’s clause, Sign there there there there there thank god that’s settled! So now the time has come at last, To put the present in the past, It’s time to take the golden tour, And taste the tempting treats du jour, The day is young the sun is high and so it’s time to say goodbye!

ALL: Goodbye!?

WONKA: No strike that, reverse it! The next time I’ll rehearse it. Get ready, set, on your marks, let’s go!

VERUCA: You’re stupid!

MIKE: You stink!

VIOLET: I’m winning!

AUGUSTUS: You think?

CHARLIE: Let’s go!

ALL: On with the show!

END OF ACT 1

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ACT 2: INSIDE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

CHARLIE: It’s beautiful.

WILLY WONKA: What? Oh, yeah, it’s very beautiful. Every drop of the river, is hot, melted chocolate of the finest quality. The waterfall is most important. Mixes the chocolate. Churns it up. Makes it light and frothy. By the way… no other factory in the world, mixes its chocolate by waterfall, my dear children. And you can take that to the bank. People. Those pipes… suck up the chocolate, and carry it away, all over the factory. Thousands of gallons an hour. Yeah. And do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass. Please have a blade. Please do. It’s so delectable and so darn good-looking.

CHARLIE: You can eat the grass?

WILLY WONKA: Of course you can. Everything in this room is edible. Even I’m edible. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is, in fact frowned upon in most societies. Yeah. Enjoy. Go on. Scoot, scoot.

SONG 12: PURE IMAGINATION

WILLY WONKA: [Spoken] Hold your breath, Make a wish, Count to three [Sung] Come with me, And you’ll be, In a world of pure

imagination. Take a look, And you’ll see into your imagination.We’ll begin, With a spin, Traveling in, The world of my creation, What we’ll see, Will defy explanation. If you want to view paradise, Simply look around and view it, Anything you want to, do it, Wanta change the world? There’s nothing to it, There is no Life I know To compare with Pure imagination Living there You’ll be free If you truly wish to be, If you want to view paradise, Simply look around and view it, Anything you want to, do it Wanta change the world? There’s nothing to it, There is no, Life I know, To compare with Pure imagination, Living there You’ll be free, If you truly, Wish to be.

MRS TEAVEE: Son. Please.

MIKE: Mom, he said, ‘enjoy’.

CHARLIE: Why hold onto it? Why not just start a new piece?

VIOLET: Because then I wouldn’t be a champion. I’d be a loser, like you.

VERUCA: Daddy, look over there. What is it? It’s a little person. Over there, by the waterfall.

MR BEAUREGARDE: There’s two of them.

MRS TEAVEE: There’s more than two.

MRS GLOOP: Where do they come from?

CHARLIE: Who are they?

MIKE: Are they real people?

WILLY WONKA: Of course they’re real people. They’re Oompa-Loompas.

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MR SALT: Oompa-Loompas?

WILLY WONKA: Imported, direct from Loompaland.

MRS TEAVEE: There’s no such place.

WILLY WONKA: What?

MRS TEAVEE: Mr Wonka, I teach high-school geography, and I’m here to tell you…

WILLY WONKA: Well, then you’ll know all about it, and, oh, what a terrible country it is. The whole place is nothing but think jungles infested by the most dangerous beasts in the entire world. Hornswogglers and snozzwangers and those terrible, wicked whangdoodles. I went to Loompaland looking for exotic new flavours for candy. Instead, I found the Oompa-Loompas. They lived in tree houses to escape from the fierce creatures who lived below. The Oompa-Loompas ate nothing but green caterpillars, which tasted revolting. The Oompa-Loompas kept looking for other things to mash up with the caterpillars to make them taste better. Red beetles, the bark of the bong-bong tree. All of them beastly, but not quite so beastly as the caterpillars. But the food they longed for the most was the cocoa bean. An Oompa-Loompa was lucky if he found three or four cocoa beans a year. But, oh, how they craved them. All they’d ever think about was cocoa beans. The cocoa bean happens to be the thing from which chocolate is made, so I told the chief… (Uses sign language to say), ‘Come live in my factory. You can have all the cocoa beans you want! I will even pay your wages in cocoa beans if you wish!’) They are such wonderful workers. I feel I must warn you, though, they are rather mischievous. Always making jokes.

MRS GLOOP: Augustus, my child, that is not a good thing you do!

WILLY WONKA: Hey, little boy. My chocolate must be untouched by human hands.

MRS GLOOP: He’ll drown! He can’t swim! Save him! Augustus! No! Augustus! Augustus! Watch out!

VIOLET: There he goes.

MRS GLOOP: Call the fire brigade!

MR BEAUREGARDE: It’s a wonder how that pipe is big enough.

CHARLIE: It isn’t big enough. He’s slowing down.

MIKE: He’s gonna stick.

MR TEAVEE: I think he has.

MR SALT: He’s blocked the whole pipe.

CHARLIE: Look. The Oompa-Loompas.

VERUCA: What are they doing?

WILLY WONKA: Why, I believe they’re going to treat us to a little song. It is quite a special occasion of course. They haven’t had a fresh audience in many a moon.

OOMPA-LOOMPAS SING: Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop, The great big, greedy nincompoop, Augustus Gloop, so big and vile, So greedy, foul and infantile, ‘Come on!’ we cried ‘the time is ripe, To sent him

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shooting up the pipe!’ But don’t, dear children, be alarmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed. Although, of course, we must admit, He will be altered quite a bit, Slowly wheels go round and round, And cogs begin to grind and pound, This greedy brute, this louse’s ear, Is loved by people everywhere, For who could hate or bear a grudge, Against a luscious bit if fudge?

WILLY WONKA: Bravo! Well done! Aren’t they delightful? Aren’t they charming?

MR SALT: I do say, that all seemed rather rehearsed.

MIKE: Like they knew it was gonna happen.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, poppycock.

MRS GLOOP: Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to?

WILLY WONKA: That pipe, it just so happens to lead directly to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry flavoured, chocolate-coated fudge.

MRS GLOOP: Then he will be made into strawberry flavoured, chocolate-coated fudge. They’ll be selling him by the pound all over the world?

WILLY WONKA: No. I wouldn’t allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavoured, chocolate coated Gloop? Ooh. No-one would buy it. I want you to take Mrs Gloop up to the fudge room, okay? Help her find her son. Take a long stick and start poking around in the big chocolate-mixing barrel, okay?

(Breaking news announcement) all cast freeze in place

JERRY: Cherry where are you now?

CHERRY: Jerry I’m in the Chocolate Factory. Little does Wonka know I’ve managed to sneak in, to follow our golden ticket winner’s journey into the unknown? Augustus Gloop our winner from Bavaria has fallen into the chocolate river and may become a new flavour of fudge! Once I know more ill report back to the studio Jerry

JERRY: Thanks Cherry, Well there you have it folks. It’s a dangerous world in there, but I am intrigued to taste this new flavour fudge.

(Cast unfreeze as Jerry and Cherry leave)

CHARLIE: Mr Wonka?

WILLY WONKA: Huh?

CHARLIE: Why would Augustus’ name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song, unless. . .?

WILLY WONKA: Improvisation is a parlour trick. Anyone can do it. You, little girl. Say something. Anything.

VIOLET: Chewing gum.

WILLY WONKA: Chewing gum is really gross, Chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.

MIKE: No, it isn’t.

WILLY WONKA: Er, you really shouldn’t mumble. Because I can’t understand a word you’re saying. Now, on with the tour.

19

CHARLIE: Are the Oompa-Loompas really joking?

GRANDPA JOE: Of course they’re joking. That boy will be fine.

VIOLET: What’s so funny?

WILLY WONKA: I think it’s from all those doggone cocoa beans. Hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love.

MR BEAUREGARDE: You don’t say.

SCENE 9 (WILLY WONKA LED THE GROUP TO HIS BOAT)

WILLY WONKA: All aboard. Onward! Here. Try some of this. It’ll do you good. You look starved to death.

CHARLIE: It’s great.

WILLY WONKA: That’s because it’s mixed by waterfall. The waterfall is most important. Mixes the chocolate, churns it up, makes it light and frothy. Oh, by the way, no other factory in the world. . .

VERUCA: You already said that.

WILLY WONKA: You’re all quite short, aren’t you?

VIOLET: Well, yeah. We’re children.

WILLY WONKA: Well, that’s no excuse. I was never as short as you.

MIKE: You were once.

WILLY WONKA: Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.

CHARLIE: Do you even remember what it was like being a kid?

WILLY WONKA: Oh, boy, do I. Do I?

NARRATOR: In fact, Willy Wonka hadn’t thought about his childhood for years. Willy Wonka was the son of the city’s most famous dentist. . . Wilbur Wonka. Wilbur ensured his son never touched anything Sweet, some say this was what drove his sons ambition.

CHARLIE: Mr Wonka? Mr Wonka? We’re headed for a tunnel.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, yeah. Full speed ahead.

VIOLET: How can they see where they’re going?

WILLY WONKA: They can’t. There’s no knowing where they’re going. Switch on the lights! People, keep an eye out. We’re passing some very important rooms here.

MR BEAUREGARDE: What do you use hair cream for?

WILLY WONKA: To lock in moisture.

CHARLIE: Whipped cream.

WILLY WONKA: Precisely.

VERUCA: That doesn’t make sense.

20

WILLY WONKA: For your information, little girl. . . whipped cream isn’t whipped cream at all unless it’s been whipped with whips. Everybody knows that. Stop the boat. I wanna show you guys something. Now, this is the most important room in the entire factory. Now, everyone, enjoy yourselves, but just don’t. . . touch anything. Okay? Go on. Go on, scoot.

VIOLET: Hey, Mr Wonka, what’s this?

WILLY WONKA: Oh, let me show you. Thank you. These are Everlasting Gobstoppers. They’re for children who are given very little allowance money. You can suck on it all year, and it’ll never get any smaller. Isn’t that neat?

VIOLET: It’s like gum.

WILLY WONKA: No. Gum is for chewing. And if you tried chewing one of these Gobstoppers, you’d break all your little teeth off. They sure do taste terrific. And this is hair toffee. You suck down one of these little boogers, and in exactly half an hour… a brand new crop of hair will start growing out all over the top of your little noggin. And a mustache. And a beard.

MIKE: Who wants a beard?

WILLY WONKA: Well… beatniks, for one. Folk singers and motorbike riders. You know, all those hip, jazzy, super-cool, neat, keen and groovy cats. It’s in the fridge, daddy-o. Are you hep to the jive? Can you dig what I’m laying down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother. Unfortunately, the mixture isn’t quite right yet. Because an Oompa-Loompa tried some yesterday, and, well, he… (Oompa loomp shows up with purple skin)How are you today? You look great. Watch this.(Wonka presses a button which churns out a piece of gum)

MIKE: You mean that’s it?

WILLY WONKA: Do you even know what ‘it’ is?

VIOLET: It’s gum.

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. It’s a stick of the most amazing and sensational gum in the whole universe. Know why? Know why? ‘Cause this gum is a full three-course dinner all by itself.

MR SALT: Why would anyone want that?

WILLY WONKA: It will be the end of all kitchens and all cooking. Just a little strip of Wonka’s magic chewing gum and that is all you will ever need at breakfast, lunch and dinner. This piece of gum happens to be tomato soup, roast beef and blueberry pie.

GRANDPA JOE: It sounds great.

VERUCA: It sounds weird.

VIOLET: It sounds like my kinda gum.

WILLY WONKA: I, I’d rather you didn’t. There’s still one or two thing that are. . .

VIOLET: I’m the world-record holder in chewing gum. I’m not afraid of anything.

MR BEAUREGARDE: How is it, honey?

21

VIOLET: It’s amazing! Tomato soup. I can feel it running down my throat.

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. Spit it out.

GRANDPA JOE: Young lady, I think you’d better. . .

VIOLET: It’s changing. Roast beef with baked potato. Crispy skin and butter.

MR BEAUREGARDE: Keep chewing, kiddo. My little girl’s gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing-gum meal.

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. I’m just a little concerned about the. . .

VIOLET: Blueberry pie and ice cream.

WILLY WONKA: That part.

VERUCA: What’s happening to her nose?

MR SALT: It’s turning blue.

MR BEAUREGARDE: Your whole nose has gone purple.

VIOLET: What do you mean?

MR BEAUREGARDE: Violet, you’re turning violet. What’s happening?

WILLY WONKA: Well, I told you I hadn’t got it quite right. ‘Cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the desert. It’s the blueberry pie that does it. I’m terribly sorry.

VIOLET: Father? What’s happening to me?

GRANDPA JOE: She’s swelling up.

CHARLIE: Like a blueberry.

WILLY WONKA: I’ve tried it on, like, twenty Oompa-Loompas, and each one ended up as a blueberry. It’s just weird.

MRS BEAUREGARDE: But I can’t have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?

VERUCA: You could put her in a county fair.

SONG 13: JUICY

OOMPA DJ: And here she is, new in the number 1, chewing up the charts! she’s big and getting bigger, she’s blue and getting bluer, She’s a fruit-based sensation, and she goes by the name of Juicy!

OOMPA-LOOMPAS: Everybody wants a piece of the action, everybody’s talking ‘bout Juicy!

VIOLET: Help me!

OOMPA-LOOMPAS: Daddy wanted her to be the main attraction, now everybody’s talking ‘bout Juicy! Juicy is a girl named Violet B. She doesn’t have a talent as far as we can see, She wants to be a star though there’s nothing she can do, She’s gonna be famous now for just turning blue! (Squeeze that mother out!) Everybody wants a piece of the action, everybody’s talking ‘bout Juicy! Daddy blew her up into a big transaction, now everybody’s talking ‘bout Juicy! She’s always wanted fame, now she’s ‘bout to explode, We’ll scoop up every chunk and we’ll serve her a la mode! She’s gonna hit the big time when the big gum drops, She’ll finally burst her bubble at the top of the pops!

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MR. BEAUREGARDE: Hey, I got an idea! Hello? Fruit Monthly?

OOMPA-LOOMPAS: Her lips say nothing and her hands do less, Her clothes are yours cause soon she’ll need a tent for a dress! Her stomach will be perfect when it’s squeezed and its oozed, Her brain’s in mint condition cause it’s never been used! Her legs are good and sturdy cause she ran towards the spotlight! You better take em both, to split them up would be not right. And you had better hurry if you wanna grab an ear, Cause in fifteen minutes she is bound to disappear! Everybody wants a piece of the action, everybody’s talking ‘bout Juicy! Her favorite body parts will soon be yours for a fraction, Her limbs flying overhead will be a distraction! Today nobody knows about Ravel or Debussy, But everybody knows about, Everybody’s talking ‘bout, Ohhhhh...... JUICY!

VIOLET: Mr Wonka!

WILLY WONKA: I want you to roll Miss Beauregarde into the boat and take her along to the juicing room at once, okay?

MR BEAUREGARDE: The juicing room? What are they gonna do to her there?

WILLY WONKA: They’re gonna squeeze her. Like a little pimple. We gotta squeeze all that juice out of her immediately.

VIOLET: Mother, help me. Please.

WILLY WONKA: Come on. Let’s boogie. Without the boat, we’ll have to move double-time just to keep on schedule. There’s far too much to see.

(all cast freeze as Jerry and Cherry arrive)

JERRY: Cherry? Are you alright where are you now?

CHERRY: Hey Jerry, I’ve just had the weirdest boat ride of my life! But enough about me, Violet Beauregarde our gum chewing double bubble douches has bitten off more than she can chew. It seemed shes turned into a blueberry Jerry and will now be squeezed in the juicing room!! So much action here Jerry back to the Studio .

JERRY: Thanks for the update Cherry keep up the good work!

(all unfreeze)

CHARLIE: Mr Wonka?

WILLY WONKA: Yeah?

CHARLIE: Why did you decide to let people in?

WILLY WONKA: Well, so they could see the factory, of course.

CHARLIE: But why now? And why only five?

MIKE: What’s the special prize, and who gets it?

WILLY WONKA: The best kind of prize is a sur-prise.

VERUCA: Will Violet always be a blueberry?

WILLY WONKA: No. Maybe. I don’t know. But that’s what you get from chewing gum all day. It’s just disgusting.

23

MIKE: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?

WILLY WONKA: Once again, you really shouldn’t mumble. ‘Cos it’s kinda starting to bum me out.

CHARLIE: Can you remember the first candy you ever ate?

WILLY WONKA: No.

NARRATOR: In fact, Willy Wonka did remember the first candy he ever ate.

WILLY WONKA: I’m sorry, I was having a flashback.

MR SALT: I see.

MR TEAVEE: These flashbacks happen often?

WILLY WONKA: Increasingly. . . today.

MR SALT: Ah, this is a room I know all about. For you see, Mr Wonka, I, myself, run a business. Are you using the Havermax four thousand to do your sorting?

WILLY WONKA: No. You’re really weird.

VERUCA: Golden Gooses?

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. Geese. These Gooses are specially trained lay golden eggs.

VERUCA: Daddy, I want a golden goose. Get me one of those. I want one.

MR SALT: Veruca, dear, you have many marvelous pets.

VERUCA: All I’ve got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle and a silly old hamster. I want a Golden Goose!

MR SALT: All right, pet. Daddy will get you one just as soon as he possibly can.

VERUCA: But I don’t want any old Goose, I want a Golden one.

MR SALT: Very well. Mr Wonka, how much do you want for one of these? Name your price.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, they’re not for sale. She can’t have one.

VERUCA: Daddy.

WILLY WONKA: (Impersonates Mr Salt) I’m sorry, darling. Mr Wonka’s being unreasonable.

VERUCA: If you won’t get me one a goose, I’ll get one myself.

MR SALT: Veruca.

WILLY WONKA: Little girl?

MR SALT: Veruca, come back here at once. Veruca.

SONG 14: I want it now

VERUCA SALT: Gooses! Geeses! I want my geese to lay gold eggs for Easter

MR. SALT: It will, sweetheart

VERUCA: At least a hundred a day

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MR.SALT: Anything you say

VERUCA: And by the way

MR. SALT: What?

VERUCA: I want a feast.

MR. SALT: You ate before you came to the factory

VERUCA: I want a bean feast!

MR. SALT: Oh, one of those

VERUCA: Cream buns and doughnuts and fruitcake with no nuts, So good you could go nuts

MR. SALT: You can have all those things when you get home

VERUCA: No, now!! I want a ball, I want a party, Pink macaroons and a million balloons, And performing baboons and ... Give it to me Rrhh rhhh Now! I want the world, I want the whole world, I want to lock it all up in my pocket, It’s my bar of chocolate, Give it to me, Now! I want today, I want tomorrow, I want to wear ‘em like braids in my hair, And I don’t want to share ‘em, I want a party with room fulls of laughter, Ten thousand tons of ice cream, And if I don’t get the things I am after, I’m going to scream!, I want the works, I want the whole works, Presents and prizes and sweets and surprises, Of all shapes and sizes, And now, Don’t care how, I want it now, Don’t care how, I want it now (Veruca Falls down the shute).

MR SALT: Veruca! Where did she go?

WILLY WONKA: Where all the other bad eggs go. To the garbage chute.

MR SALT: Where does the chute go?

WILLY WONKA: To the incinerator. But don’t worry. We only light it on Tuesdays.

MIKE: Today is Tuesday.

WILLY WONKA: Well, there’s always the chance they decided not to light it today. Now, she may be stuck in the chute just below the top. If that’s the case, all you have to do is just reach in and pull her out. Okay?

SONG 15: OOMPA LOOMPA SONG

OOMPA LOOMPAS: Oompa Loompa doompadee doo, I’ve got another puzzle for you, Oompa Loompa doompadah dee, If you are wise you will listen to me , Who do you blame when your kid is a brat, Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese cat? Blaming the kids is a lion of shame, You know exactly who’s to blame: The mother and the father! Oompa Loompa doompadee dah, If you’re not spoiled then you will go far, You will live in happiness too, Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

JERRY: Ladies and Gentleman we have some breaking news, and here to tell us more about it is our Wonka correspondent, Cherry Sundae, Cherry where are you?

CHERRY: Jerry oh my god ! the daughter of the peanut billionaire verruca salt had taken a terrible fall down the garbage shute! There is a

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chance she will be incinerated with all the other garbage. There dropping like flies in here Jerry!

JERRY: Wow such action Cherry! As always excellent reporting.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, really? Oh, good. I’ve just been informed that the incinerator’s broken. So there should be about three weeks of rotten garbage to break their fall.

MRS TEAVEE: Well, that’s good news.

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. Well, let’s keep on trucking. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. The elevator’s by far the most efficient way to get around the factory.

MIKE: There can’t be this many floors.

WILLY WONKA: How do you know, Mr Smarty-Pants? And this isn’t just an ordinary up and down elevator, by the way. This elevator can go sideways, longways, slantways, and any other ways you can think of. You just press any button and, whoosh, you’re off. Oh, look. Look. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to fudge mountain. Oh… I’d rather not talk about this one. This is the puppet hospital and burn centre. It’s relatively new. Ah, the administration offices. Hello, Doris.

MIKE: Why is everything here completely pointless?

CHARLIE: Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.

MIKE: It’s stupid. I wanna pick a room.

WILLIE WONKA: Go ahead. Here. Put these on quick, and don’t take them off whatever you do. This light could burn your eyeballs right out of your skulls. And we certainly don’t want that, now, do we? This is the testing room for my very latest and greatest invention: Television Chocolate. One day it occurred to me. . . Hey, if television can break up a photograph into millions and millions of tiny little pieces and send it whizzing through the air, then reassemble it on the other end. . . Why can’t I do the same thing with chocolate? Why can’t I, send a real bar of chocolate through the television, all ready to be eaten?

MRS TEAVEE: Sounds impossible.

MIKE: It is impossible. You don’t understand anything about science. First off, there’s a difference between waves and particles. Duh! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy in matter would be like nine atomic bombs.

WILLIE WONKA: Mumbler! Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you’re saying. Okey-dokey. I shall now send a bar of chocolate from one end of the room. . . to the other, by television. Bring in the chocolate! It’s gotta be real big, ‘cos you know how on TV you can film a regular-size man, and he comes out looking this tall? Same basic principle.

CHARLIE: It’s gone!

WILLIE WONKA: Told you. Now, that bar of chocolate is now rushing through the air above our heads in a million tiny little pieces. Come over here. Come on. Come on. Come on! Watch the screen. Here it comes. Oh, look. Take it.

MIKE: It’s just a picture on a screen.25

WILLIE WONKA: Scaredy-cat. You take it. Go on. Just reach out and grab it. Go on.

GRANDPA JOE: Holy buckets.

WILLIE WONKA: Eat it. Go on. It’ll be delicious. It’s the same bar. It’s just gotten a little smaller on the journey, that’s all.

CHARLIE: It’s great.

GRANDPA JOE: It’s a miracle.

WILLIE WONKA: So imagine, ah, you’re sitting at home watching television and suddenly a commercial will flash onto the screen, and a voice will say,“Wonka’s chocolates are the best in the world. If you don’t believe us, try one for yourself.” And you simply reach out. . . and take it. How about that?

MRS TEAVEE: So can you send other things? Say, like, breakfast cereal?

WILLIE WONKA: Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal’s made of? It’s those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.

CHARLIE: But could you send it by television if you wanted to?

WILLIE WONKA: Of course I could.

MIKE: What about people?

WILLIE WONKA: Well, why would I want to send a person? They don’t taste very good at all.

MIKE: Don’t you realise what you’ve invented? It’s a teleporter. It’s the most important invention in the history of the world. And all you think about is chocolate.

MRS TEAVEE: Calm down, Mike. I think Mr Wonka knows what he’s talking about.

MIKE: No, he doesn’t. He has no idea. You think he’s a genius, but he’s an idiot. But I’m not.

WILLIE WONKA: Hay, little boy. Don’t push my button.

MRS TEAVEE: He’s gone.

WILLIE WONKA: Let’s go check the television, see what we get. I sure hope no part of him gets left behind.

MRS TEAVEE: What do you mean?

WILLIE WONKA: Well, sometimes only half the little pieces find their way through. If you had to choose only one half of your son, which one would it be?

MRS TEAVEE: What kind of a question is that?

WILLIE WONKA: No need to snap. Just a question. Try every channel. I’m starting to feel a little anxious.

CHARLIE: There he is.

MRS TEAVEE: Mike.

OOMPA-LOOMPAS SING: The most important thing, That we’ve ever learned, The most important thing we’ve learned, As far as children are concerned, Is never, never let them near, The television set, Or better still just don’t install, The idiotic thing at all, Never, never let them, Never,

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never let them, Never, never let them, Never, never let them, It rots the senses in the head, It keeps imagination dead, It clogs and clutters up the mind, It makes a child so dull and blind, So dull, so dull, He can no longer understand, A fairy tale, a fairyland, A fairyland, a fairyland, His brain becomes as soft as cheese, His thinking powers rust and freeze, He cannot think, he only sees. Regarding little Mike Teavee, We very much regret that we, Regret that we, Shall simply have to wait and see, Wait and see, wait and see, Wait and see, wait and see, wait and see, We very much regret that we, Shall simply have to wait and see, If we can get him back his height, But if we can’t, It serves him right.

WILLY WONKA: Ooh, somebody grab him.

MIKE: Help me. Help me.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, thank heavens. He’s completely unharmed.

MRS TEAVEE: Unharmed? What are you talking about?

MIKE: Just put me back in the other way.

WILLY WONKA: There is no other way. It’s television, not telephone. There’s quite a difference.

MRS TEAVEE: And what exactly do you propose to do about it?

WILLY WONKA: I don’t know. But young men are extremely springy. They stretch like mad. Ah! Let’s go put him in the taffy puller.

MRS TEAVEE: Taffy puller?!

WILLY WONKA: Hey, that was my idea. Boy, is he gonna be skinny. Yeah. Taffy puller. I want you to take Mr Teavee and his… little boy, up to the taffy puller, okay? Stretch him out.

(all freeze)

JERRY : Breaking news! We have another update from inside Wonka’s factory. Over to you Cherry.

CHERRY: Hey Jerry, Mike Teavee the video game mad child, couldn’t help himself and transported himself into a television! He shrunk and now is being sent to the taffy puller to be stretched. It’s all going on today Jerry. It now means we are left with Charlie Bucket as the only remaining ticket winner!

JERRY: How interesting Cherry again as always fabulous reporting

(Un freeze)

WILLY WONKA: On with the tour. There’s still so much left to see. Now, how many children are left?

GRANDPA JOE: Mr Wonka, Charlie’s the only one left now.

WILLY WONKA: You mean, you’re the only one?

CHARLIE: Yes.

WILLY WONKA: What happened to the others? Oh well Charlie you are free to go and leave this place forever!

CHARLIE: But what about the chocolate?

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WILLY WONKA: Chocolate? You have broken several of the rules of the contract Charlie there will be no prise! Now good day and leave!

GRANDPA JOE: Come Charlie lets go to that slugsworth, Wonka’s gone mad

(Charlie walks over to wonka and hands him the gobstopper. Wonka looks up and smiles at Charlie)

WILLY WONKA: Oh, my dear boy, but that means you’ve won. Oh, I do congratulate you. I really do. I’m absolutely delighted.I had a hunch you know, right from the beginning. Well done. (Enters Slugsworth) Here is my good old friend and no he isn’t working against me it was a test Charlie. Now, we mustn’t dilly, or dally. Because we have an enormous number of things to do before the day’s out. But luckily for us, we have the great glass elevator to speed things al. . . Speed things along. Come on.

CHARLIE: Up and out? What kind of room is that?

(Willy Wonka leads Charlie and Grandpa Joe to the Great Glass elevator)

WILLY WONKA: Hold on. Oh, my goodness. We’re gonna need to go much faster, otherwise we’ll just never break through.

CHARLIE: Break through what?

WILLY WONKA: I’ve been longing to press that button for years. Well, here we go. Up and out!

GRANDPA JOE: But do you really mean. . .?

WILLY WONKA: Yeah, I do.

GRANDPA JOE: But it’s made of glass. It’ll smash into a million pieces.

MRS GLOOP: Augustus, please, don’t eat your fingers.

AUGUSTUS: But I taste so good.

VIOLET: Look, Mother. I’m much more flexible now.

MRS BEAUREGARDE: Yes, but you’re blue.

VERUCA: Daddy, I want a flying glass elevator.

MR SALT: Veruca, the only thing you’re getting today is a bath, and that’s final.

VERUCA: But I want it.

WILLY WONKA: Where do you live?

CHARLIE: Right over there. That little house.

SCENE 9 INSIDE THE BUCKET HOUSE

MRS BUCKET: What time do you think they’ll be back?

MR BUCKET: Hard to know, dear.

GRANDMA GEORGINA: I think there’s someone at the door.

CHARLIE: Hi, Mom.

MRS BUCKET: Hi.

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CHARLIE: Mom. Dad. We’re back.

MR BUCKET: Charlie.

MRS BUCKET: Charlie.

MR BUCKET: Goodness.

CHARLIE: This is Willy Wonka. He gave us a ride home.

MRS BUCKET: I see that.

WILLY WONKA: You must be the boy’s. . .

MR BUCKET: Parents?

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. That.

GRANDPA JOE: He says Charlie’s won something.

WILLY WONKA: Not just some something. The most ‘something’ something of any something that’s ever been. I’m gonna give this little boy my entire factory.

GRANDPA JOE: You must be joking.

WILLY WONKA: No, really. It’s true. Because, you see, a few months ago, I was having my semi-annual haircut. . . and I had the strangest revelation. In that one silver hair, I saw reflected my life’s work, my factory, my beloved Oompa-Loompas. Who would watch over them after I was gone? I realised in that moment, ‘I must find and Heir’. And I did, Charlie. You.

CHARLIE: That’s why you sent out the golden tickets.

WILLY WONKA: Ah-ha.

MRS BUCKET: What are Oompa-Loompas?

WILLY WONKA: I invited five children to the factory and the one who was the least rotten would be the winner.

GRANDPA JOE: That’s you, Charlie.

WILLY WONKA: So what do you say? Are you ready to leave all this behind and come live with me at the factory?

CHARLIE: Sure. Of course. I mean, it’s all right if my family come too?

WILLY WONKA: Oh, my dear boy, of course they can’t. You can’t run a chocolate factory with a family hanging over you like an old, dead goose. No offence.

GRANDPA GEORGE: None taken, jerk.

WILLY WONKA: A chocolatier has to run free and solo. He has to follow his dreams. Gosh darn the consequences. Look at me. I had no family, and I’m a giant success.

CHARLIE: So if I go with you to the factory, I won’t ever see my family again?

WILLY WONKA: Yeah. Consider that a bonus.

CHARLIE: Then I’m not going. I wouldn’t give up my family for anything. Not for all the chocolate in the world.

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WILLY WONKA: Oh, I see. That’s weird. There’s other candy too besides chocolate.

CHARLIE: I’m sorry, Mr Wonka. I’m staying here.

WILLY WONKA: Wow. Well, that’s just. . . unexpected. . . and weird. But I suppose, in that case, I’ll just. . . Goodbye, then. Sure you won’t change your mind?

CHARLIE: I’m sure.

WILLY WONKA: Okay. Bye.

GRANDMA GEORGINA: Things are going to get much better.

NARRATOR: And for once, Grandma Georgina knew exactly what she was talking about. The next morning, Charlie helped his parents fix the hole in the roof. Grandpa Joe spent the whole day out of bed. He didn’t feel tired at all. Charlie’s father got a better job at the toothpaste factory . . . repairing the machine that had replaced him. Things had never been better for the Bucket family. The same could not be said for Willy Wonka.

WILLY WONKA: I can’t put my finger on it. Candy’s always been the only thing I was ever certain of and now I’m just not certain at all. I don’t know which flavours to make. I don’t know which ideas to try. I’m second-guessing myself, which is nuts. I’ve always made whatever candy I felt like, and I. . . That’s just it, isn’t it? I make the candy I feel like, but now I feel terrible, so the candy’s terrible. You’re very good. Pity about that chocolate fellow, Wendell, er, Walter.

CHARLIE: Willy Wonka.

WILLY WONKA: That’s the one. Says here in the paper his new candies aren’t selling very well. But I suppose he’s just a rotten egg who deserves it.

CHARLIE: Yep.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, really? You ever met him?

CHARLIE: I did. I thought he was great at first, but then he didn’t turn out so nice. He also has a funny haircut.

WILLY WONKA: I do not!

CHARLIE: Why are you here?

WILLY WONKA: I don’t feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?

CHARLIE: My family.

WILLY WONKA: Euw.

CHARLIE: What do you have against my family?

WILLY WONKA: It’s not just your family. It’s the whole idea of. . . You know, they’re always telling you what to do, what not to do, and it’s not conducive to a creative atmosphere.

CHARLIE: Usually they’re just trying to protect you because they love you. If you don’t believe me, you should ask.

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WILLY WONKA: Ask who? My father? No way. At least, not by myself.

CHARLIE: You want me to go with you?

WILLY WONKA: Hey. Hey, what a good idea. Yeah! And you know what? I got transp. . . I have to be more careful where I park this thing. I think we’ve got the wrong house.

WILBUR WONKA: Do you have an appointment?

CHARLIE: No. But he’s overdue.

WILBUR WONKA: Open. Now, let’s see what the damage is, shall we? Heavens. I haven’t seen bicuspids like these since. . . Since. . . Willy?

WILLY WONKA: Hi, Dad.

WILBUR WONKA: All these years. . . and you haven’t flossed.

WILLY WONKA: Not once.

NARRATOR: It was on this day that Willy Wonka repeated his offer to Charlie, who accepted on one condition.

CHARLIE: Sorry we’re late. We were brainstorming.

GRANDPA GEORGE: Though I heard thunder.

MR BUCKET: You staying for dinner, Willy?

WILLY WONKA: Yes, please.

GRANDPA JOE: I’ll shuffle the plates.

GRANDMA GEORGINA: You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts.

WILLY WONKA: Oh, thank you. You smell like. . . old people and soap. I like it.

GRANDMA JOSEPHINE: Elbows off the table, Charlie.

WILLY WONKA: How do you feel about little raspberry kites?

CHARLIE: With licorice instead of string.

MRS BUCKET: Boys, no business at the dinner table.

CHARLIE: Sorry, Mom.

WILLY WONKA: I think you’re on to something, though, Charlie.

NARRATOR: In the end, Charlie Bucket won a chocolate factory. But Willy Wonka got something even better. . . A family. And one thing was absolutely certain. . . Life had never been sweeter.

SONG TO END

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