A Workshop on Balancing Life and Setting Boundaries

Liz Pollock, MBA, CFP®, CLU & Co-Active Life Coach

Phone: 262-439-9867, liz@AffordableHealthandMore.com

A Workshop on Balancing Life and Setting Boundaries

Liz Pollock, MBA, CFP®, CLU & Co-Active Life Coach

Phone: 262-439-9867, liz@AffordableHealthandMore.com

Balance & BoundariesBalance & Boundaries

Balance & Boundaries - Page 2

Life Balance Life FulfillmentLife Balance Life Fulfillment

LIFE BALANCE AND LIFE FULFILLMENT TRAVEL HAND IN HAND

We choose every day to decide the allocation of our precious resources of time, energy and money. To evaluate choices to create fulfillment, we need to be conscious about what is fulfilling. Fulfillment is derived from our primary values and our life purpose. At the core of fulfillment is our life purpose, our personal mission, and a vision of what we want to create with our life on this planet. How do we make these difficult choices? The criterion for making choices is fulfillment. Webster defines fulfillment as, “to develop the full potentialities of; to satisfy .” Fulfillment is the ongoing process of becoming who we really are. Fulfillment is the higher goal, the bigger agenda of our lives -- the context for choosing.

If you have a personal life purpose statement, capture it below. If you don’t, take some time this weekend to create one. What does fulfillment mean to you in your life?

What is fulfilling to you this year? Today? Right now?

Our values are the foundation, the “launching pad”

And the actions we take based on those values lead us to...

Fulfillment and satisfaction!

Balance & Boundaries - Page 3

Balance is ACTIONBalance is ACTION

WHAT IS BALANCE?

Balance is not a fuzzy concept. And it need not be elusive, either. Balance consists of the actions we take in our life. It is not an attitude, or a feeling – but a clear, stark reality. Solidly grounded on a foundation of our most important values, we choose every day to divide our resources of time, energy and money. We act in many areas of life --- work, spirituality, recreation, family --- to name a few.

Reflecting our most deeply held beliefs about life, values are the foundation and the yardstick against which we measure our decisions and choices. When our values (our beliefs about life) and our balance (the actions we take in our life) are not in full alignment, we experience stress. We feel off center. We feel pulled between the things we should do, and the things we want to do. In reality, we often experience difficulty and stress deciding between some of the best parts of our life – time with family, with friends, time to go on a bike ride, time to finish a project.

Do you experience this tension in your life? What pulls at you?

When we were born, we began as empty vessels. Through the years, we have added all the activities, tasks, people, ideas, obligations, projects, and myriad other elements to the contents within our vessels. And now, as adults, our vessels seem not only full, but overflowing most of the time.

Balance & Boundaries - Page 4

Falling In and Out of BalanceFalling In and Out of Balance

When are you “in” balance? How do you know?

When are you “out” of balance?

We often think of balance as a state that we fall in to and out of. However, that isn’t true. Balance doesn’t occur in a moment in time; it is fluid and dynamic. Balance is a process. It is aliveness. Balance is living each moment to its fullest. It is choosing each activity for fulfillment. It is viewing the mundane and the extraordinary as bits and pieces of a satisfying life. We can choose to be in the process of balance hundreds of times each day.

FOUNDATIONAL BELIEFS ABOUT BALANCE

Balance is a healthy goal – it is good for us!

Balance is about action – where we choose to spend our time and our energy.

Clear personal values serve as the foundation for balance.

Fulfillment is the key criteria for life balance.

You have the power and wisdom to choose balance and fulfillment.

Balance & Boundaries- Page 5

Life Balance AssessmentLife Balance Assessment

On the next page, complete your own “Balance Star.” Here’s how: Using a 1 to 10 scale, draw a line in each space representing your current level of satisfaction with that area of your life. 1 means “I am very dissatisfied with this space in my life.” 10 means “This space is great!”

Notice this is not a request to draw the amount of resources you are committing to each segment, but your current level of satisfaction. You may, for example, spend only 30 minutes each week on growth and learning. However, that may be precisely what you wish to spend, and your satisfaction level might be a 9 or a 10.

The model below demonstrates what a completed Balance Star may look like:

Career

Fun & Recreation

Significant Other / Romance

Spirituality

Money

Friends & Family

Community

Health &Self Care

Growth &Learning

Physical Environment

Balance & Boundaries - Page 6

Life Balance Assessment (cont)Life Balance Assessment (cont)

Career

Fun & Recreation

Significant Other / Romance

Spirituality

Money

Friends &Family

Community

Health &Self-Care

Growth &Learning

Physical Environment

Balance & Boundaries - Page 7

The Balance StarThe Balance Star

THE BALANCE STAR EXERCISE

Which star space would I like to focus on to create balance in my life now?

Which star space should I focus on to create balance in my life now?

Which star space will I focus on to create balance in my life now?

This is the star space that I WILL focus on to crate balance in my life right now:

________________________________________________________________________

YES & NO

Identify three possible YESes you might choose to recreate balance in your life:

1.

2.

3.

Identify three possible NOs you might choose, to recreate balance in your life:

1.

2.

3.

Balance & Boundaries - Page 8

Setting BoundariesSetting Boundaries

Boundaries are the rules that we set in order to allow “in” that which we say yes to and keep out that which we say no to. They are lines of protection that you draw and adhere to, and request others to honor as well. Boundaries are like fences – but they serve to keep you IN, not to keep others OUT. Developing this skill is an important part of living intentionally. The key is to first decide that you value yourself enough to draw these lines and then that you value others enough to teach them how to be with you.

 

WHAT BOUNDARIES DO YOU WANT TO SET TO RECREATE BALANCE?

1. ______________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________

3. ______________________________________________________

4. ______________________________________________________

HOW TO SET BOUNDARIES:

Use this process to set boundaries with others – it’s simple and effective! After defining a boundary, follow these steps:

1)Inform the person that you have a boundary.

2)Identify the context, or why this boundary is important to you.

3)Request that the boundary be respected.

If someone does not honor your boundary, you may need to “amp up” your enforcement:

4)Insist that the boundary be respected.

5)Identify what the consequence will be if they continue to disrespect your boundary.

6)Implement the consequences as necessary.

Balance & Boundaries - Page 9

Setting Boundaries & Saying NOSetting Boundaries & Saying NO

GUIDLEINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Be compassionate – Setting boundaries can be an act of compassion. You are a teacher, helping others know how to be with you. Listen to their perspective, empathize with where they are coming from, and set your boundary.

Delegate – Delegation is a tool we use as managers and leaders to help us set and maintain boundaries. Learn this important skill – and learn the corollary skill, letting go.

Use "I" statements – Be responsible for the words you use. Make "I" statements that reflect how things affect you, what you believe, or your ideas. "You" statements can be accusatory, put people on the defensive, and detract from effectively communicating a boundary.

Charge neutral – When you are setting a boundary it is critical that your voice be neutral, not emotionally or negatively charged. If there is a charge, then the message can get lost and the clarity of the boundary becomes clouded. Use whatever structure works for you to get into the “neutral” place, then set the boundary.

Body language of confidence – Notice your body language. Do your shoulders slump? Do you look down when you are talking? Do you mumble? Do you fidget? Be aware of how you come across. You want to communicate confidence, and these gestures help: shoulders back, sit up straight, make direct eye contact, etc.

Don't take things personally – How other people behave, act, and think has to do with their life experiences, beliefs and perspective – not you. Be responsible for your communication and don’t take their “stuff” personally.

Balance & Boundaries - Page 10

Setting Boundaries & Saying NOSetting Boundaries & Saying NO

SAYING NO

Assess the status of your plate. Is it too full? How do you know if this additional request, priority, accountability or task will push you over the balance edge? How do you assess this?

Renegotiate for NO – Are there are resources who can do the job? Is there something the requestor can take OFF your plate in order to put this ON your plate? Can you do only a part of the task?

Communicate your NO – When you defer an action or decline a responsibility, think through carefully – Who needs to know? Who would find it helpful to know this decision?

Don't assume responsibility for others – You don’t own what’s not yours. Don't take responsibility for other people's feelings, reactions, and responses. Create clear, honest communication and allow others to feel how they choose. Who has ownership of the issue or problem? Sometimes our family and friends want to “dump” an issue on us. Be certain who has the power, responsibility and accountability to resolve. It just may not be you!

Manage your self – Often, setting the boundary or saying NO is sabotaged by our own desire to please, to be "nice,’ to bee seen as flexible , giving, compassionate, helpful – whatever psychological needs we want to meet. Or, our own unresolved guilt or fear may create an inordinate desire to help. Resist these urges! Know what is appropriate for you to take on, and what boundaries you must set – and trust yourself to do that with integrity and honesty.

Be accountable for your commitments – The other side of this coin is being accountable for all you say you will do. Boundaries and seeing NO will backfire if they are not within the context of saying YES to the greater agenda , to your commitments, and to your responsibilities and accountabilities.

Saying NO is as much a choice as saying YES. In our busy lives it is critical to be able to exclude those things that do not serve us. We must be able to choose powerfully and clearly what aspects of our lives will be, rather than simply react.

Balance & Boundaries- Page 11

The NO and Boundaries StarThe NO and Boundaries Star

THE “NO AND BOUNDARIES” STAR What makes it hard for me to set a boundary or say NO is… Another thing that makes it hard... If I am completely honest with myself, the REAL reason I sometimes have difficulty saying

NO or setting a boundary is…

I don’t want to disappoint The organizational culture doesn’t support saying NO My culture doesn’t support saying NO When I am really busy, I feel really important My staff, patients, colleagues, family, friends, community, you fill in the blank really do

NEED me to do this I want it all It’s selfish to say NO I am SO responsible I don’t know what to say NO to or where to set a boundary I’ve failed at saying NO or in setting a boundary in the past I don’t want to look bad

SUSTAINING A CULTURE OF BALANCE

What can YOU do as a Medical College employee to sustain a culture that supports Balance at the Medical College?

Why might you take these actions?

Balance & Boundaries- Page 12

I commit to

this action …To achieve this outcome

I will know I have achieved this when…

How might

I sabotage myself?

Accountability or resources to help me achieve this goal

Action PlanAction Plan