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Teacher Education Quarterly, Spring 2013

On the “Flip” Side:A Teacher Educator of Color

Unveiling the Dangerous Mindsof White Teacher Candidates

By Cheryl E. Matias

ThedominantnarrativedispelledinmanyfilmsandmassmediaisafearoftheurbanstudentofColor(Kellner,1995;Leonardo&Hunter,2007).Dominantnarra-tivesindicatethatasinnocent,well-intentionedWhitewomenenterurbanschools,riddenwithgangs,promiscuity,anddrugs,theythemselvesbecomevictimsoftheillnessofurbanitythatplaguesPeopleofColorandindoingso,theybecomeWhitemartyrs/messiahsfortakingontheriskofcontaminatingtheirinherentpurity(Vera&Gordan,2003a).Accordingtothisaccount,thefearsarerealforWhiteteacherswhoarewillingtosacrificethemselvesinthebattletohumanizesavagestudentswhocussatthem,disrespecttheirpresence,andcannotevenread. AndasthisnarrativeofWhitesaviority(aformofbenevolence)persistsintherecountsofcountlessfilms,newscasts,andtextbooks,societycriesandempathizeswith

Cheryl E. Matias is an assistant professor in the Urban Community Teacher Education Program at the University of Colorado Denver, Denver, Colorado.

theheroicactionofweepingWhiteteachers.BecauseassocietywatchestearsofanguishrolldownthecleanWhitecheekofthisharmlessWhiteteacher,itcanbarelysurvivewitnessinghowtheseWhiteknightspainfullytoleratethedailyaggressiveattacksofurbanstudentsofColor.Plainlystated,societyfallstoitskneeswhenWhitewomencrybecausetheirpainisfelt,similartohowobserversofMichelangelo’spietasculpture1can-nothelpbutpityoverthegriefoftheWhiteMadonna

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clutchingtotheherlifelessson,JesusChrist.Theirpainbecomesreal.Theirpainisdeemedhumanizedbysociety’smereengagementofsympathy. ThisnarrativeisindoctrinatedinthemindsofmycountlessWhiteteachercandi-dates.EachsemestermyWhiteteachercandidatesenrollinoururban-focusedteacherpreparationprogramreadytosacrificeandgivebacktodisadvantagedstudentsofColortochangetheinjusticesthatpervadeurbanschools.TheyarepreparedtorolltheirsleevesupandhelpclosetheachievementgapsforurbanstudentsofColorknowingthatitisnotfairthatsuburbanschoolshavemoreresources,betterbuildings,andmorequalifiedteachers.ThisissimilartohowRickyLeeAllen(2002)relatesNeo,theWhiteprotagonistinthemovieThe Matrix,totheChosenOnewhowill“fighttheracistWhites”(p.120).Essentially,myWhiteteachercandidatesbecometheheroicliberalwarriorswhowillsavestudentsofColorfromfailing(Vera&Gordan,2003b).ThenimagineifyouwillthecognitiveresistantreactionofmyWhiteheroeswhenIwalkintothelecturehallwithmyobviousBrownskinandurbanmannerismsandintroducemyselfasDoctorMatias.Howwilltheyhelpme,theembodimentofwhotheyperceiveneedssaving,ifIamtheprofessorforthecourse?

Anatomy of Colored Pain: My Counterstory ContrarytopopularizednotionsofthepainfullivesofWhiteswhoserve, help, or savePeopleofColor,thisarticlecriesfortheneedtocounterthisone-sidedaccount of what constitutes humanizingpain, for in adhering to that litmus ofpain,WhitescanthenelevatetheirpainabovePeopleofColor’spain.Essentially,ourtearsbecomeonlythree-fifthsofthepainofaWhiteperson’stears.AndasaBrown-skinned,PinayteachereducatorfromurbanLosAngeles,IpainfullyattestthatteachinginaWhiteinstitutionwithWhitecolleaguesandWhitestudentsisatrauma,onethatrelentlesslyterrorizesmyheart,soul,andpsycheonadailybasis.InorderformetohealmytornsoulIdevelopedmypedagogyoftrauma. This article focuseson theconceptualizationandoperationalizationofmypedagogyof traumaasasurvivalmechanismandasamodel forother teachereducatorsofColorwhoundertakethegravetaskoftrainingself-affirmedcolorblindWhiteteachercandidatesattheexpenseofourpain.Indoingso,wecanfinallycounterthedominantnarrativethatimpactsthelearningreceptivityofourWhiteteachercandidates(seeMatias,2012a).JustashowPeopleofColorexperienceracialmicroaggressions,myexperienceswithmyWhiteteachercandidatesbecomeacounterstoryofmysemesterlongracialmicroaggressionthatsubjectsmetopain;apainImustvoiceinordertocounterWhitenarrativesofpain(Delgado&Stefancic,2001;Solorzano,Ceja&Yosso,2000;Sue,Capodilupo,Torino,Bucceri,Holder,Nadal,&Esquilin,2007).IfeelitisessentialthatWhiteteachercandidatesknowofthispainbecauseinordertofosteramutuallyrespectfullearningenvironmentfortheirsoon-to-beurbanstudentsofColor,WhiteteachercandidatesmustfirstaccepttheirteachereducatorsofColor.

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MypedagogyoftraumafirstdevelopedafterrealizingthatinordertosurvivethenumerousracialmicroaggressionsmaintainedbyinstitutionalracismandWhitesupremacy,Ineededaprocesstohealmyself(seeGillborn,2010;Lewis&Manno,2011;Matias,2012;Nieto&Bode,2008;Tatum,2003).Withrespecttocriticalracetheory,Ineededatransformationalresistance,whichnotonlyarticulateshowIovercamethemicroaggressionbuthowIendureit(Solorzano&DelgadoBernal,2001).PaulWillis(1977)describeshowtheLadsinEnglandenduredandresistedschoolhegemonybycreatingacounter-schoolculture.Giroux(2001)describesthenecessityforresistanceasanoppositionalbehavior,forsuchabehavior“becomestheobjectoftheoreticalclarification”(p.110).Therefore,mypedagogyoftraumaisthecultivationofanoppositionalbehaviorthatemotionallypreparesmyselffortheunceasingfloggingofmyheartthatIamsubjectedtoeachtimemystudentsseeme,respondtome,interactwithme,andunknowinglyresistlearningfromme.ThesearetherealfearsIamsubjectedtoeachtimemyWhiteteachercandidatesscreamatmeabouthowraceisnotimportantandthus,shouldnotbediscussed.WhenIdonotrelenttheyaggressivelycirculateemailstostrategizewaysofgettingmefired.So,InamethistraumaandlocatewithinitmyinflictedsufferingfromthepersistentracialmicroaggressionsofmyWhiteteachercandidates.However,Idonotlocatemysufferingtorelishinastateofvictimization(Freire,1993).Rather,IlocatemysufferingtodemonstratehowItransformationallyresistbyengagingwithmypaintocarryoutthesociallyjustidealsofracialequity. bellhooks(1995)corroboratestheneedtolocateone’ssufferingwhensheclaimsthatinordertoheal,PeopleofColormust“begintocollectivelynameandconfrontthissufferinginwaysthatareconstructivelyhealing”(p.144).Assuch,mypedagogyoftraumaconstructivelyconfrontsmypainbyemotionallyanticipatingthelevelofseveritywithintheracialmicroaggression.Again,Idonotletthepainrelishinsomereservoirofself-pity.Rather,IletthepainfromthisrecurringtraumatransformhowIunderstandmypain.Essentially,feelingthispainisaprocessofhumanization.Thiswillbefurtherdescribedbelow. BeforeIdelvedeeper,therearemanyhumanistswhosolovehumanitythattheyempatheticallyacknowledgeandsee,inaFreirean(1993)sense,beyondmyBrownnessandalmond-shapedeyestorecognizethatIamahumanbeingcom-pletewithrightfulemotionsinresponsetocopinginaracializedsociety.JustasBlackfeministscholarPatriciaCollins(1986)acknowledgeshowBlackwomenhavinginsightfulsensitivitytomechanismsofpatriarchyandsexism,humanistsacknowledgethatmyemotionalresponsetoracismasaBrown-skinnedfemaleisaninsightfuldepictionofhowhumanssubjectedtoracismsurvive.Inthishu-manizingrevelation,theycryouttomeandsay,“Sista,thisisunhealthy,almostsadomasochistic.Justforgetthemandmoveoutofteachereducation.”ButthatisnotwhoIam.AfteryearsofgrowingupasastudentofColorinanurbanpublicschoolsystemandteachinginbothSouthLosAngelesandBrooklyn,IadmitthatIamateacheratheartwhoisdedicatedtoracially-justeducationdespitetaking

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theagonizingracelessnessrouteneededtogetthere(seeFordham,1988).Further,Iarguethatisnotwhoweare.2

White feministscholarSandraHarding(1998)asserts that inmulticulturalscience,womenaremedicalheroesbecausetheirnuancedknowledgesofthebody“prove[s]morereliable”(p.106)thanmedicaldiagnosispreciselybecauseofoursocietalsubjugation,underpatriarchy,toperformrolesasnurturersandcaregiv-ers.Reflexively,scholarsofColorarealsoheroeswhoareconstantlychallengedbecauseofournuancedknowledgeofraceandracism,andintimateunderstandingthathegemonicWhitenessblindsWhitefolksto.Wearethewarriorsthatshoulderthisagonizingracialburdendespitebeingchastisedasnotbeingcollaborative,wrongfullyaccusedofbeingpersonallymistrustful,orworse,mislabeledthe“real”racistwhenwebravelyengagehowtheuglyreignsofraceismanifestingitself.ThosearetheaccuserswhowhetherintentionallyornothaverepressedissuestoaColoredfacethatsymbolicallyremindsthemoftheirWhiteguilt. Ialsostrategicallyusetheword“I”toremindmyreadersthatIalwaysaccountformypositionality,myindividuality,andhowIpersonallyengageinthispedagogyoftrauma.Despitethevariousmechanismsweemploytosurvivewemustrememberwedonotdothiskindofworkwithouttrulybelievingthatchangecanhappenandthatourmereincreasingpresenceintheacademydoesnotmeansomething.WedothispreciselybecausewecouldnolongerbeartheinhumanconditionofracismthatsubjugatesourpaintoWhitenarrativesofpainandwillbedamnedtositbyandletanothergenerationgobywithouthearingandtrulyhumanizingourpain.However,inordertoteachWhiteteachersinhighereducationwefirstemergedoutofthesafetyofourpridefulurbancommunitiesofColorthatprotectedusagainstWhiteaggressiontopursueourdegreesandteachingcredentials.Webravelydidsodespiteknowingthatthejourneyiswroughtwithinstitutionalracisminsidetheivorytowersoftheacademythatsotrainsus.We,eerilylikemyWhiteteachercandidates,wanttomakeachange:achangethatdoesnotcenteronthepainofWhitefolks.However,whatwasmissingfromthenarrativeofpopularizedurbaneducationwasthepainfulprocessthatwe,asPeopleofColor,underwenttogethere.BecauseembeddedinthatpainfulprocessisaschoolingexperiencewherethepainofWhitepublicschoolteacherafterWhitepublicschoolteacheroutweighedandultimatelyignoredthepainsofstudentsofColor.TheseweretheWhitepublicschoolteacherswhowerenottrainedtodealwiththeirWhitenessinresponsetoourrich,beautifulColorfulness(McIntyre,2003).So,afteryearsofexperiencingracismasPeopleofColor,(moreoverexperiencingracismandsexism,aswomenofColor)weareforcedtodevelopaseeminglyhealthycallousnessforsurvival.AccordingtoBlack,lesbianfeminist,AudreLorde(2001),wedevelopthiscallous-nessforan“illusionofprotection”(p.177).Andthiscallousnessworksbecausethehardeningofoursoulsandheartsprotectsusfromthetraumaincurredbytheendlessbarrageofracialandgendermicroaggressions(seeSueetal.,2007). Sadly,therewasamomentinmyearlycareerwhereItoobecamesohardened

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thatIlostmyfeelings.Ilostmypain.Yetbylosingmyabilitytofeelpain,Iinad-vertentlyrepressedthepainfulcounterstoriesneededtooffsetthedominantnarra-tiveofWhitepain.Notwithstanding,thenumbingeffectthatwasdetractingfromthebeautifulemotionalhumanquality,Irealizedthatmypaincountsasawholehumanexperience,onethatmyWhiteteachercandidatesmustheartore-examinetheirdefaultedneedtosuperiorizetheirpain,aprocesslearnedbytheunquestionedrecyclingofdominantnarratives.Thatis,Iinvokemypaintoofferandremindusthatourcontinuallysilencedtears3aregenuinelyrawandintimatelyreflecthowpainfulracismcanbe,particularlytoblindexertionsofWhiteness.However,indoingso,IrecognizethatbyrelocatingmylostandrepressedpainIalsorelivethepainfulexperienceofthetraumaofraceandgenderalloveragain. ThisarticleprovidesalookintoadayinmylifeasaFilipinateachereducatorteachingWhiteteachercandidatesinaWhiteinstitutionforthepurposeofillustratingthe“flip”sideofhowcoloredpainprovidesacountertothegrandnarrativeofWhitepain.Insteadofcodingmypainandtraumawithmasculineconceptssuchas(a)no-tionsofexile(Said,2002),(b)dehumanization(Freire,1993),or(c)responsibilityforneo-abolitionism(Allen,2012;Leonardo,2009),Icentermydiscourseonpaintoremindusthatpainiseverpresentintheworkwedoandthemissionwestrivefor.Unfortunately,onlywhensocietyrightfullyredistributestheburdenofraceoffPeopleofColor’sshouldersandtothosewhobenefitfromoursubjugation,canpainbealleviated.Asfornow,IcriticallytheorizemyownpainandbravelyexpressmytearsbecauseasLatCrit4scholarsinformme,mytestimonio5ofColoredpainisapowerfulemotionthatundergirdstheheart.Thisismypedagogyoftrauma.

Chronology of Colored Pain Even Before the First Day of Class:

A Theoretical Precursor Aseachsemesterbegins,thesurgeoffearengulfsme,consumesme,andalmostsuffocatesme.IfeelthiswaybecauseIknowthatteachinginaWhiteinstitutionwithWhitestudentsandWhitecolleaguesunknowinglyandknowinglyindoctrinatedwiththeirrepressedemotional,social,andpsychologicalinvestmentinWhitenesswillproduceafirstdaythatresemblesarecurringtraumathatIreliveeachdayasBillMurraydoesinthe1993movie,Groundhog Day.Yet,almostsadomasochistically,IdoitoverandoveragainbecausebeyondmypainofthisrecurringtraumaarethecriesofmyformerBlackandBrownpublicschoolstudentsthatneverhush. bellhooks(1995)callsthispainapsychictraumainflictedonPeopleofColorbyracialaggressors.Althoughrelevant,IpositthatsuchatraumaisalsoanemotionaltraumathatsostabsmyheartthatIfindmyselfwakingupperiodicallythroughoutthenightbeforeclass,hopingtocrymyselfbacktosleep.DenyingmesleepisarecurringlivednightmareofWhiteteachercandidatesresortingtotheirWhitenessbyfeigningcolorblindness,uponmyobviousalmond-eyed,Brown-skinnedfacewithaSpanishsurname(seeBonilla-Silva&Embrick,2006).Truetonature,aftermy

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fouryearsintheacademyandthepilesofliteraturetosupportmyworkincriticalracetheoryandcriticalWhitenessstudies,myWhiteteachercandidatessadlyandpredictablyclaimthatraceisnotanissuebecausetheydonotseerace.IrememberoneofmyWhitemalestudentsexemplifiedthiswhenheemployedaWhiteDiss-course6toadamantlyargueinoneofmymulticulturaleducationcoursesthathedoesnotseeraceorgender.IusethetermDiss-coursebecausetheemploymentofWhiteDiss-courseistantamountto“dissing”orinsultingPeopleofColorbehindafaçadeofinnocenceornormalizespeech(Rodriguez,2009).Whilegrippinghistableandferventlypointinghisfingeratmehestrongly,loudly,andconfirmedlyassertedly,“ThefactisYOUtellingmetoseeraceandgenderISracistandsexist!Imean,whenyoufirstwalkedintotheclassroomallIsawwasabeautifulAsianlady.”Hehaditcorrect.ForaccordingtoWhiteDiss-course,hehadnotseenraceandsexatall.AllhesawwasabeautifulAsianladysodehumanizedbythephe-notypesthatsociallyconstructmypresencethatitoutshinedthehumanessenceofwhoIam.AndthisWhiteDiss-coursemasksthesaliencyofraceandracismbehindaseeminglyinnocentocularofcolorblindnesswhilecastingafalseverdictofwhatconstitutestrueracism.ThisDiss-courseisdangerousbecauseWhitesthenpositionthemselvesastheknowledgebearersofrace,despitetheirclaimsofneverseeingit.Andwhentheyengageit,ithurtsPeopleofColor. Stillechoinginmyearsishiscommentof“BeautifulAsianlady.”FeministscholarYenLeeEspiritu(2001)describesthisprocessofAsianracializationandsexualizationasneverdivorced from theWestern representationof theDragonLadyorChinadoll.Thatis,shedescribesthatAsianwomenareboundtoracializedandsexualizedideologicalrepresentationsofbeingbotherotizedashypersexualobjectsofpleasurewhilealsoinferiorizedasdocilesubmissiveservants.Thesearethe“ideologicalassaults”thatIamsubjectedto;onewhichEspiritu(2001)claimsmustbechallengedto“transformtheexistinghierarchicalstructure”(p.199).However,inthecenterofthisprocesstochallengepatriarchyandracismismyheartandthefactthatrobbingmefromblissfulignoranceisthepainfulrealityofitall.IstayawakealmostpetrifiedofthefearofknowingthatIwill,withoutadoubt,againexperiencehowtheaccusingWhitefingerpointstomyBrownnessandtheblindWhiteeyedeniesmyhumanness. TormentingmeishowIwillcontinuetogivetheauthenticcarethatAngelaValenzuela(1999)demandsinherexaminationofthefalseloveofourMexicanAmericanstudents,whichisanauthenticlovethatI,myself,demandmyWhiteteachercandidatesfeelfortheirfuturestudentsofColor?Further,howdoIcon-tinuetogiveupmyauthenticlovewithoutreceivingthatsameloveinreturnfromblindedWhiteteachercandidates?AlthoughIagreethatteachersshouldbeeverpresenttoservetheneedsoftheirstudents,thereisadifferentpowerdynamicwhenteachingacourseonracewhentheteacheristheonlyPersonofColorinsidetheclassroom.Schick(2010)outlinestheWhiteresistancefromWhitecollegestudentssheexperiencedwhileteachingantiracistpedagogies.However,Schickadmits“as

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aWhitewoman,itwouldalsobedisingenuousonmyparttoseparatemyselffrommyWhitestudents”(p.97).Bydoingso,sheincludesherselfwiththegroupiden-tificationofherWhiteparticipantsandparallelshertraumawithherparticipants’traumabyvirtueofbeingWhite.Yet,IamnotaWhiteresearchersoIcannotparal-lelmytraumawithmyWhitestudents’traumaanddissonancepreciselybecausemytraumaisaneffectoftheirrefusaltofeeltraumaortorecognizemine.InracedynamicstraumaisnotonlydifferentfromaPersonofColor’sperspective;itisalsomoresubstantiated.DiAngelo(2012)writesaboutfearsofWhitesandPeopleofColorwhendoinginterracialracedialogues.Sheuncoversthatininterracialracedialogues,Whitestudentsfearedbeingcalledaracist,feelingguilty,blamed,and/oruncomfortable.Essentially,theirfearsarebasedupontheirWhitesensibili-tiesorsentimentsofdiscomfort.Ontheotherhand,PeopleofColorfearedtangiblerepercussions(e.g.,losingtheirjobsorhouses,physicalthreats,andostracism).Inheranalysis,shearguesthatthefearsforWhitesarenotequivalenttotherealfearsofPeopleofColorbecausethelatterfearisproducedbythehistoricalsurveillanceofPeopleofColorunderasystemofracism.Infact,shepointsouthowWhitesbelievethatracismagainstWhitesismoreprevalentthanracismagainstBlacks,whichisamal-informedresponsetotheirunsubstantiatedfear.SowhenIaskhowIcanauthenticallylovemyWhitestudentswhoareinvestedintheirWhitenesswhentheyunknowinglyorknowinglyrefusetoreturnlove,ImustrealizethattheracedynamicsaresodifferentthatitproducesasadomasochisticrelationshipwhereImustsubmitmyselftoarelationshipwhereIgivelovedespitetheonslaughtofracializedresistance.ItisthesepainfulactsofresistancethattormentmebecauseallIwantistobeseenasahumanbeingwhodeserveshumanlylove. AmidstthelatenightbellowsofstraydogsIlamentoverwhetherornotmyheartwillnolongerbeat lovingthumpsbecauseofmycommitmenttosupporthumanitybydismantlinghegemonicWhiteness.Forwhat is not understood inpopularizednotionsofpainisthatteachereducatorsofColorwhocontinuetoday-inandday-outcommittoteachingtheirWhitestudentsaboutraceincuragreatlosstoo.TheemotionaltollwepayforourcommitmentisarestlessmindandheartthatisconstantlybombardedwithhowwewillrespondtotheeerilypredictiveandresistiveperformanceofourWhiteteachercandidates.

A Methodological Tactic

for Engaging in Pedagogy of Trauma AfteryearsoflivingthisrealityandseekingadvicefromseniorcolleaguesofColorandallieswhoalsoexperiencethedailypainorracismintheirowncon-texts,IdecidedtodrawfrommyknowledgeofBlackandChicanomilitancy7frommytraininginethnicstudies.IalsoutilizedmyunderstandingofBlackfeministmilitancy (James, 1999) to mobilize an offensive counterattack8 that will helpmehealfromthepredictableoffensiveanddefensiveattackthatvictimizesme.

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Pedagogicallyspeaking,IcircumventmyfearfulanticipationbyemailingoutastudentsurveybeforeIevenbeginthecoursesothatinsteadofwalkingunarmedintohostilegroundspassingoffasinnocentracelessclassroomcontexts,IenactpedagogicalwaystogaugethelevelofattackIwillbesubjectedto.Simplyput,Iprotectmyheartbyemotionallypreparingmyselfinwhattoexpectfrommystu-dents;manyofmyWhitestudentswhosenormalizeddispositionsasWhitefolksintentionallyor unintentionally enact rituals of racialmicroaggressions againstme.Forwhatissilencedinsidethegrandnarrativeofwhatconstitutespainwhenteachingurbaneducation,istherealitythatteachereducatorsofColorwhoteachWhiteteachercandidatesneedonlytostepinsidetheirclassroomstobegintheracializedbattleground.ThishostilespaceiswhereWhitesentrenchedinWhite-nessverballyprofesscolorblindnessdespiteresistingourobviousColorednessbyeitherconsciouslyorsubconsciouslyassumingweare(a)“markedintellectuals”(Orelus,2011,p.33)(b)atokenoraffirmativeactionhirewhichconnoteslackingqualifications,(c)and/or,specifictomycase,apetite,BrowngirlexpectedtoserveandsupporttheentitlementofWhiteteachercandidates.Ultimately,anythingIsayordowillbesubjecttosuspicionbecausemyexpertiseinraceisneverdivorcedwithhowmyracedisplaysitselfandhowWhitesrespondtothatdisplay.So,tobepreparedwithknowingthedegreeofhostilityIstrategicallysendoutapre-coursesurveytomakemypedagogiesculturallyrelevant,sotospeak,forhostileWhiteteachercandidates. Embeddedintheten-questionsurveyisaspectrumofquestionsthatultimatelydigsrighttothecruxoftheirColorblindnessandWhiteness(seeFigure1).Afterconductingacriticalracestudyofourteachercandidatesandgraduatesfromoururbanteachereducationprogram,InoticedthatcandidateswereusingthesociallyjustwordsforracialequityyetcontinuingtoengageinWhiteDiss-course.Assuch,Istrategicallyusedraciallycodedquestionstounveilwhatdeep-seatedideologicalconstructsweremyWhite teachercandidatesdrawingfrom.Therefore,IspokewithotherfacultyofColortosurveywhattypesofresistancedotheyexperienceanddocumentedtheircounterstories.Infact,Iusedthosecounterstoriestoinformmysurveydesign(seeMatias,2012b).IthenusedcriticalWhitenessstudiestohypothesizetheideologicalschemasfoundinWhiteracialidentitythatmayenactracialmicroaggressions.Finally, Icreatedquestions thatusednormativeWhitediscoursetoseewhetherornotstudentssubscribedtothatideologyoriftheyrefutesuchanideology. Thesurveybeginswithforcingthestudentstoidentifytheirraceandethnic-ity. I strategically separate the two todecipherwhetherornotmy students arecognizantofthedifference.However,despiteexamplesofthetwoterms,manyofmyWhitestudentssopredictablyandresistively9wrote“American”as theirethnicity.Byknowinglydismissingmyexamples,theyexertedtheirWhitenessinassumingtheyhaveeveryrighttodismissthem.TheyarenotawarethatboldlyclaimingAmericanasanethnicityassociateswithnativistracismbecauseinher-

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entinthatclaimisthefactthatWhitesnormalizethemselvessuchthattheyareneverforcedtoseethemselvesasother(seeHuber,Malagon,Velez,&Solorzano,2008).Althoughthereisnomalintent,thisisascarysituationformebecauseastheydeterminewhatisAmericantheysimultaneouslyintuitwhatisnotAmericanregardless of birthright.Therefore, despite being a U.S.-born citizen myself, IconstantlygetaskedwhereIamreallyfromwhichalignsaracialphenotypeswithcitizenship(forexampleseedirector,LeeMunWah’sColor of Fear).AndtherighttocitizenshipandAmerican-nesshasahistoricallegacy10thatcontinuestoleaveanuglysociallyconstructedstampofwhodeserveshumanness.Andinrealizingthis,Iamscaredastohowmystudentswillseeme.WillIbelesshumanbecauseIamnotallowedtobeethnicallyAmerican?NowthatIamawaremystudentslayproprietaryclaimovertheuseofethnicAmerican-ness,IlayinbedscaredstraightonhowtoaddressthissuchthatIdonothurttheirWhitesensibilitiestoapoint

Figure 1Student Survey

Name:

Race: (circle the one you best identify with)Caucasian/White African American/Black Latino/Hispanic Asian American Native American Other ________________

Ethnicity: [you may name many](i.e. Irish, Vietnamese, Jewish, Nigerian, Mexican, El Salvadorian, etc.)

Age:

Please answer to the best of your knowledge.1. Who are you? Tell me about yourself.2. How do you like to learn? 3. What languages do you speak? Which language do you prefer for learning?4. How many teachers/professors of color have you had while growing up (elem, middle, hs, college)? What courses? How did the prevalence (or lack thereof) of educators of color impact you? Please describe.5. Have you had experiences with people of color who are in authority? How about one who was not in authority? Please describe the circumstances.6. What do you hope to learn? How do you hope to get there in your learning?7. Have you talked about race and racism before? Who do you feel most comfortable in talking about this topic? Please describe.8. What can a teacher do to make you feel she/he is committed to your learning?9. Do you believe yourself to be an antiracist educator committed to racial equity? What does that mean to you?10. How might the learning be different for you when learning about race, class, and gender from a female, professor of color who came from poverty as opposed to a male, White, middle class professor?

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wheretheyengageinaWhitelynchmobmentalityandtargetme.ThismentalitywillaggressivelydenigrateanythingIsaythatproblematizeswhohasaccesstobeAmericanandthusproducesarealfear.FromfeelingtheyhavetherighttoemailthedeantofiremebecausetheyfeellearningaboutraceandracisminanurbanteachereducationprogramisunimportanttofeelingentitledtocollectivelysilencemebyengaginginverbalviolenceinclassuntilIchangetopics,WhitelynchmobmentalityscaresmesothatIfindmyselfprayingtoGodbeggingtospareme. Thesurveyalsoasksmyteachercandidates’theirraceandstrategicallylimitstheiroptionssothattheyareforcedtogroupidentify.IdothisbecausesooftenincriticalWhitenessstudies,WhiteswhoresistseeinghowWhitenessisexudingwilloptforadifferentracialmarker(seeMatias,2012).However,bychoosingtooptoutofbeingWhiteasaracialidentitytheyarealsomarkingtheirprivilegeinWhiteness,preciselybecausePeopleofColorcannotoptoutofbeingmarkedasColored.Forexample,insteadofraciallyidentifyingasWhite/CaucasianoneWhitemalearguedthathenolongerwantstobeknownasWhiteandoptstonowberaciallyidentifiedasIrishorPink.AfewotherstudentsarguedthattheyarealsoaPersonofColor(aco-optivemovethatbelittlesthetrueracializedexperiencesofPeopleofColor).InthisWhiteDiss-courseWhitesalmostmockraceandaggres-sivelychoosetorefusetheiracknowledgementofhowtheirracialmarkerimpactshow People of Color experience race. Since I am an able-bodied, now middleclass,Brown-skinnedfemale,Iacknowledgehowrace,class,gender,abledness,andhetero-normativitymarkmylife.TosimplymockraceoraggressivelyrefuseitaltogetherdeniesahugepartofhowIhavehadtolivemylife.WhenourWhitestudentswhoareraciallyprivilegedassertthatthelivesofPeopleofColorarenotaboutrace,itistantamounttosayingthatasanable-bodiedpersonthereisnoissuesofdisabled-nessorable-nessthatimpactsapersonwithadisability.TocircumventthesamereiterativeWhiteDiss-courseofhowPeopleofColorinhighpositionsarenotqualified(thesameDiss-courseourveryownBlackpresidentcouldnotescape)Iopttooffermyqualificationsbeforehand.Idothatbecauseraceisrelevanttohowmystudentswillperceivemeandthusbehaveaccordingly.Toillustratethisbetter,oneofmyWhiteteachercandidate’sresponsewassoentrenchedinWhiteDiss-coursethatsheengagedthissamequalificationargument.

Q:Howmightthelearningbedifferentforyouwhenlearningaboutrace,class,andgenderfromafemale,professorofColorwhocamefrompovertyasopposedtoamale,White,middleclassprofessor?(Question#10)

A:Bothprofessorswouldbeequallyqualifiedandeducatedtoteachthecourse.(StudentSurveyEntry,1/12)

Thequestionwasnotaboutqualifications,butinresponsetoseeingthedescrip-tors,thisWhiteteachercandidateinvokednormativediscussionsofqualificationsfoundinWhiteDiss-course.Althoughsheprofessesthateachprofessorwillbe“equallyqualifiedandeducatedtoteachthecourse”shealsoinherentlyinvokesthe

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falseethosofweareallthesameandthatsubjectivepositionalitydoesnotshedlightintoanormalizedunderstanding.Last,sheneveranswersthequestion,“howmightthelearningbedifferentforyou.”Bynotansweringthequestionaboutherownlearningfromthecoursesheinadvertentlyrevealedherlacklusterpersonalinvestmenttolearningthosetopicsneededtobeginchange. Therefore,whenmystudentsdismissansweringtopicsofraceinthesurveyIbecomebetterpreparedwithwhattypeofresistanceIwillbesubjectto.Forex-ample,onesemesterafewstudentsrefusedtocirclearaceandonestudentofferedanexplanationastowhysherefusedtocirclearace.

AftertakingSociologyofRaceandEthnicitylastsemester,Iconcludedthatraceisonlyaconcept,notavisibleorgeneticcharacteristic.Generalizationsandcat-egorizationsbasedonappearance(whichiswhat“race”is)areusuallyinaccurate,soIhavechosentoignorethem.(StudentSurveyEntry,1/12)

AlthoughmyWhitestudentchoosestoignorethesaliencyofrace,itissome-thingIdonothavetheoptiontoignore.Assheconcludesthatgeneralizationsofraceareinaccurateandmerelyaconcept,IknowherWhitenesswillrefusetohearmesay,“raceisnotsalienttoyoubecauseyouareWhite,butforsomeonewhocannotwashtheBrownofftheirskinraceisaconceptthatproducesrealeffects.”Althoughthisteachercandidatemayhavededucedthisfromherpastinstructor,Iamstillleftwithhavingtoengagewiththatideologyinthisclass. So,thenightbeforethefirstclassIneversleepthatnightbecauseechoinginmymind ishowIwillprotectmyselfonceagain from thebarrageof racialmicroaggressionssubstantiatedbytheexcruciatingmanifestationsofWhitenessthatultimatelydehumanizemeandthecommunityofColorthatIcomefrom.Yet,inthecountlessmindsofmanyteachereducatorsofColor,westandupdespitebeingconstantlyslappeddowntoremindsocietythatwetooincurpain;butwedoitbecausewesolovesocietythatwerefusetogiveuponit.

Unveiling the Pain behind White Diss-Course:

A Counter Analysis Althoughtheremayormaynotbeanymalintentintheverbalorwrittenre-sponsesofWhiteteachercandidateswhenlearningaboutrace,racism,andWhitenessfromateachereducatorofColor,therestillexistspaininwhatissaidorwrittenbyWhiteteachercandidatesentrenchedinWhiteness.Toclarify,thisarticleisnotaboutexcavatingWhitesensibilitiesofWhiteteachercandidates,butratheritisaboutunearthingaprofessorofColor’semotionalpainbehindtheverbal,written,andbehavioralexpressionsmadebyWhiteteachercandidates,regardlessoftheirintent.Belowareselectedanswersfromthepre-coursestudentsurveyIadministeredtogaugeresistance.Iemploythemtohelpteachereducators,atlarge,understandhowsuchanswersinvokeapedagogyoftraumaformeasateachereducatorof

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Color.InordertogaugetheirfamiliaritywithinteractionswithPeopleofColorIaskthefollowingquestion.

Q:HaveyouhadexperienceswithPeopleofColorwhoareinauthority?Howaboutonewhowasnotinauthority?Pleasedescribethecircumstances.(StudentSurveyQuestion#5)

A:IhavenothadexperienceswithPeopleofColorinauthority.IdonotthinkmyviewonnothavingPeopleofColorinauthoritywillchangeoranything.Respectiskeynomatterwhatmyview.(StudentSurveyEntry,1/12)

Tobettercontextualize,justlikepainthereisasocialconstructionofwhatconstitutesrespectsuchthatitbecomesacontestedknowledgeset.MichelFoucault(1980)documentsthisinhisdiscussionofpowerandknowledgewherecertainknowledgesaresuperior-izedaboveotherknowledgesinaprocessofpower.Ap-plicably,myWhitestudentscomeintoclasswithaWhitefundofknowledgethatthroughracialhegemonyhassuperiorizeditselfabovePeopleofColor’sfundsofknowledges11(Amanti,Neff,&Gonzalez,1992).Andspecifictomyemotions,suchahegemonicallypowerfulWhitefundofknowledgewillcontinuetoresituateitselfabovemyColoredknowledgedespitethequalifyingdegreesthatsubstanti-atemyColoredknowledge.Sowhenmystudentsays“respectiskey,”whatIfearmostiswhatdefinitionofrespectisshereferringto:theonethatmerelycaterstoherneedsortheonethatrightfullydistributesthepowerembeddedinrespect?AsateachereducatorofColorcopingwithdailyracismthatColorblindWhiteswillnotevengivecredenceto,howrespectfulisittostate“IdonotthinkmyviewonnothavingPeopleofColorinauthoritywillchangeoranything.”Bysayingit“won’tchangeanything”IfearitisoneofthoseracializingmomentswhereWhitesrefusetohearbecausetheydonotwanttohear.Yetiftold,Ifeartheywillbecomeviolent,aggressive,accusatory,andrelishinguilt.So,asateachereducatorwhoteachesaboutraceforthehopeofantiracism,what’sthepointofallmyexpertise(mytwelveyearsofhighereducation,threedegrees,sevenyearsteachingintheurbanclassroom,andalifetimeofracializedexperiences)ifallthatworkwon’tchangeanything?AlthoughcriticsmayarguethatthisdisrespectismorepervasiveduetomoderntimesIcontinuetoquestionwhetherornotitsubiquitynegatestherelevanceofracialpositionings.Thatis,thenormativemantratoclaimthatthistypeofdisrespecthappenstoallprofessorstotallyignoresthespecificityofracial-ize issuessodescribedincountless literature(Cleveland,2004,DeJesus,2004;Matias,2012;Stanley,2006;Williams&Evans-Winter,2005).Hence,ascriticalracetheorysoasserts,thedynamicsofracedidnotjustdisappearuponchanging,moderntimes. I agree respect iskey,but respectfully speaking, acomment like thisonlyrespectsherownviewpointandemotionsonwhatconstitutesrespect.Tobetterillustrate,woulditberespectfulofmeasaprofessorwithpowerovermystudentstosay,“IamtheprofessorandalthoughIneverreallyworkedwithstudents,Iknow

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thatlearningaboutyourneedsasstudentswon’tchangemyviewsonanything.Ipsofacto,respecttomeiskey.”Simplyput,bynotacknowledgingtheprocessesofpower,wecannotrespecteachother. HoweverwhenIdoaccept thispervertedversionof respect Idenymyselfrespectfromthembecausetheirneedtofeelrespectedgoesbeyondmyneedforrespectastheirprofessor.Assuch,IendupgettingemailsfrommyWhiteteachercandidatesthatsay“Hey,printthisoutforme,yeah?”withoutanendingsignature;“It’sbeenaweekandyouhaven’tgradedmypaper”(SentfromiPhone),or“Idon’tmeantobedisrespectfulbutdidyoureallyreadmypaper?Idon’tdeserveaB.”IsthiswhatmyWhiteteachercandidatesmeanaboutrespectiskey? Hence,dangerouslyacceptingmyWhiteteachercandidates’definitionofrespectdeniesmyhumanrighttoarespectthatisnotself-servingorself-cateringtoonegroupoveranother.AlthoughthesurveypreparesmewithknowledgeofhowmystudentswillengageinaWhiteDiss-courseofwhatconstitutesrespect,Iamleftfeelingembarrassinglydisrespectedandhurt.Shamefully,IponderoverhowIwillhavethemunderstandthatrespectisnotipso factomysubmissiontotheirneedtofeelrespected.CheatingmeofsleepthenightbeforeclassisanoverwhelmingfeelingofshameandhumiliationbecauseIknowIwillhavetoconvincemyWhitestudentsofthesimplehumanfactthatIdeserverespecttoo.IknowtheDiss-coursemustbeflippedonthem,soamidstmyagonyandself-shameIevolvetofindarudimentarysourceofhealinginknowingwhatImustdo.Insteadofdenyingtherealityofmypain,IlearnthatitisbecauseofmypainthatImustforciblyengageit,moreoverfeelit.So,IassertthattheycallmeDr.Matiasbecausethere’sadif-ferentpowerdynamicwhenallmystudentsareWhiteandIamtheonlypersonofColorinacourseonrace.Ishowthemhowtoemailmeinarespectfulway.Finally,IrealizeIhavetobeactivelyreadytocallouttheiraggressiveoffensiveattackseachtimetheyresortbacktoWhitenessandfeelitisOKtodisrespectme.IrelocatemypaintoempowerandremindmethatitisNOTOKthatmyWhitestudentsrevertbacktoseeingmeasanothersubordinatePersonofColorwhoisexpectedtosubmittotheirmasterlyneeds.

Q:Haveyoutalkedaboutraceandracismbefore?Withwhom(sic)doyoufeelmostcomfortableintalkingaboutthistopic?Pleasedescribe(Question#7)

A:InmySociologyofRaceandEthnicityclass,that’sallwetalkedabout.Ifeelmostcomfortabletalkingwithlike-mindedthinkers.Iamuncomfortablearoundpeoplewhoareracistsorpeoplewhoaccusepeopleofracismwhenit’snotthere.SoIguessI’muncomfortablearoundpeoplewhodon’tactuallyknowwhatracismis.(StudentSurveyEntry,1/12)

WhenIreadthisfearbuildsinmyheartbecauseitsoundslikeanexasperatedcomment.Thatis,simplyhearinghowexasperatedthisWhitefemalecandidatefeelsaboutdiscussingraceinasociologyofraceandethnicitycourse.Letmerestatethat.Indulgemeifyouwillonmyfeelings.HowdoyouthinkIfeelasascholarof

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Colorwhodoesrace-relatedresearchwhenaWhitefemalestudentclaimsthatalltheytalkaboutisraceinasociologyofraceandethnicitycourse?Ifthisstudentisexasperatedbydiscussingatopicforwhichtheentirecourseisabout,acoursethatsheenrolledin,andbyherownadmissiononlyfeelscomfortablewithlike-mindedthinkers,thenconversely,shewillbeuncomfortablewithme.For,typicallyIamtheonlyPersonofColorinmycourses—coursesthatexplicitlyemployacriticalraceandcriticalWhitenesslenstointerrogatesocialfoundationsofurbaneducation. Again,drainingmefromstrengthismyponderingoverwhetherornotthisstudentwillthink,asmanyWhitefolksdo,thatIam“pullingouttheracecard”whensimplyanalyzingoperationsofrace.Further,whenmodelinghowtodialogueaboutraceandracisminanacademicmanner,whatisscaryforteachereducatorsofColoristhatourWhiteteachercandidateswilleither(a)cry,whichissymbolicof thenormativestoryofhowPeopleofColorare theoneswhocauseWhitespainwhichbothstiflesconversationandelevatesWhiteemotionalityabovethepainPeopleofColorfacedaily;or(b)actaggressively,whichissymbolicoftherepressedpainoflyingaboutaColorblindstance(Matias,2012).Emotionallyter-rifyingisdecipheringwhichresponseIwillbesubjecttothenextdayandhowIwillemotionallyprepareinresponsetothesedisturbingperformancesofWhiteness.ThesemereroutineperformancesregularlyripofftheBand-Aidfrommyheart,aBand-AidthatIcarefullyplacedasemesteragotohealfromthelasttraumathatregularlyperformedWhiteness.AlthoughIunderstandthatWhiteracialidentity(Helms,1990)cantakesometime,Iontheotherhand,havenotimetogrieve,asImustengageinthistraumaeverysemester. MypedagogyoftraumarelatestoGloriaLadson-Billings’(1998)documenta-tionofhowthecolonizededucationofurbanAfrican-Americanmalesislikeanongoingpsycho-culturalassault.However,unlikedaily racialmicroaggressionsexperiencesininterpersonalencounters,Ladson-Billings’spsycho-culturalassaultsarelikeanongoingsystemicracialslapintheface.TheonslaughtofEurocentriccurriculum,deplorableschoolingconditions,andtherefusaltointerrogateone’sownculpabilityinrecyclingdominantideologiesforceourAfrican-AmericanstudentstoexperienceacolonizededucationnodifferentthaninSoweto.Inapplyingthisnotionofpsycho-culturalassaults,thetablesarenodifferentwhenthecontextisflipped;forraceanditsdisparagingcorollary(thatofracism)isnotonlyanumbersgame.Rather,itisalsoaboutpower.DespitethefactthatIamtheprofessorofthecourse,IamstilloutnumberedbyWhitefolks;moredetrimentalisthatIamoutpoweredbyWhiteness.TheirWhitenessisshownintheirinteractionswithme,whichthusproducesatangiblefearformetobecarefultonotenrageWhitemobmentality.AsdefinedbythelitanyofcriticalraceresearchandmyownexperiencesasaBrown-skinnedracializedbeing,IcannothelpbutmulloverwhetherornotIwillbeoneofthepeoplemystudentisuncomfortablewithbecauseIwill“accusepeopleofracism”despiteherblindnesstounderstand“whenit’s[really]there.” ThisWhitefemaleteachercandidateleavesmewithahauntingdisclosureby

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stating,“SoIguessI’muncomfortablearoundpeoplewhodon’tactuallyknowwhatracismis.”Shehasalreadypredeterminedthatsheisthebearerofknowledgewhenitcomestoraceandracism,adiscussionthatexhaustsherso.Ifherexasperationofstudyingraceinacourseaboutraceisindicativeofherself-proclaimedknowledgeofraceandracismthenIhavesomethingtofear,preciselybecausesheout-rightlythreatensthatshewillbeuncomfortablewithme.Andwithinournormativeexpe-riencesofWhitediscomfortindiscussionsofraceandracism,herdiscomfortistantamounttotheuncomfortableexasperationsof,“Doyouknowhowmuchithurtstobecalledaracist”or“Ineverownedslaves.Whyareyoublamingme?Ididn’tdoanythingtodeservefeelingbadforbeingWhite.”Byadheringtothismental-ity,WhitefolksarethensoinvestedintheirWhitenessthattheysuperiorizetheirdiscomfortabovethedailydiscomfortPeopleofColorexperience.Whatleavesmesobaffledthroughthenightis:don’tmyWhiteteachercandidatesunderstandbyelevatingtheirdiscomfortaboveminetheyalsohurtme?Meaning,justastheycryout“Whyareyoublamingme?Ididn’tdoanythingtodeservethis,”Icryoutthe same thingbecause as theyprofessvictimhood theyare ferventlypointingtheirfingeratme.Theystareatmeasthesoleembodimentoftheirownemotionalracialangstandthusmisappropriatetheirprojectionofguiltontoafalsemistrustofme.AllthishappenswhileIsitsilentlyastheycontinuetoscrutinizeandtallymyeveryword.

Q:Howmanyteachers/professorsofColorhaveyouhadwhilegrowingup(elem,middle,hs,college)?Whatcourses?Howdidtheprevalence(orlackthereof)ofeducatorsofColorimpactyou?Pleasedescribe.(Question#4)

A:IhavehadnoprofessorsofColor…Duringmyfirstsemester,InoticedafewprofessorsofColoranditstruckupacertainemotioninme.NotthatIdidn’tthinktheywerecapableofbeingprofessors,ratherIsimplyfounditodd.(StudentSurveyEntry,1/12)

Odd?AsaprofessorofColorIneverfoundmyselfodd.Iadmittofeelingoddnotbymyself-infliction.Rather, I feel“oddened”byWhite teachercandidateslikethiswhounintentionallyorintentionallymisplacearacializedlabelonmeasifIamacommodityasspectacle,ascriticaltheoristGuyDebord(2006)claims.Abewildermentofsomesortthatabnormallymanifestsitselfwithinthenorma-tiverealmsofWhitenessorasDeborddescribes,Ibecometheembodimentofaspectacle“whichhasbecomeobjectified”(p.118).ThisisnodifferentthantheoddspectacleofplacingFilipinosincagesduringtheSt.LouisWorldFairsduringtheearly1900s.This isnodifferent thanfalselyheralding theaccomplishmentsofafewPeopleofColor.12Andalthoughitisabsolutelyodd,itself,thatthisWhitefemalewhoadmitstoneverhavingaprofessorofColoryetalsoadmitsthatwhenencounteringone(likeanobject),itwillproduce“acertainemotion”inher,theoddityisplacedontheprofessorofColorratherthanonherself. Asthecoldrockymountainbreezepassedoverourlittlecityintheearlymorn-

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inghoursIcouldnothelpbutcontemplateastowhytheyseemeastheoddoneinthisrelationship.Infact,bellhooks(1995)describesthisoddrelationshipsoclearlywhenshereflectedonwhyBlackandWhitefeministshaddifficultyincoalitionbuildingintheearlystagesofradicalfeminism.Shestatesthatoneofthemajorbarrierswas“theservant/servedparadigm”(p.218)sinceBlackwomenoccupiedlowerechelonswithinaworkspacewhereWhitewomenwerepositionedhigher.SheexpandsonthisbystatingthatWhitefeministshadahardtimelettinggooftheirmammificationofBlackwomen.ThisprocessdevelopsastiltedrelationshipbetweenBlackwomenandWhitewomenbecauseinthisview,thepurposeofaBlackwomenpresenceintheworkspaceistoservetheneedsofWhitewomen.Ponderingthisnotion,Icannothelpbutfeel trappedbyhowmyWhiteteachercandidatesexpectmetobeamammy(ormoreappropriately,aFilipinanurse)totheirneedswhenmyneedsarenotevenconsidered.ThissentimentwasconfirmedwhenoneofmyWhiteteachercandidatesclaimedthatshehasnevermetanyPersonofColorinauthoritybutregularlymeetswithPeopleofColorwhoserveher.

Q: HaveyouhadexperienceswithPeopleofColorwhoareinauthority?Howaboutonewhowasnotinauthority?Pleasedescribethecircumstances.(Question#5)

A: IhavenothadexperienceswithPeopleofColorinauthorityasIdon’thaveabosswhoisofColorandhaven’thadtodealthelawenforcement.However,I have had experiences with People of Color who were not in authority.ThisincludespeoplewhereIgetmyhairdone,mydoctor’soffice,andshoppinginmanystores.Thecircumstanceswerenormalandnothingunusual.Theywerejustlikethepeopleofnon-Colorandinsomeplaces,theywerenicertome.(StudentSurveyEntry,1/12)

Sopredictively,thisstudent(likemymanyotherstudentswhocomefromWhite,middleclasssuburbia)admitstonothavinghadexperienceswithPeopleofColorwhoareinauthority.EvenmoretellingishercommentonlawenforcementandhowshesubconsciouslypaireditwithPeopleofColor.WhatcausesmepainisknowingthatherexperienceswithPeopleofColorhavealwaysbeenintheserviceindustryforwhichshesays“theywerenicertome”thanWhitefolks.Thisjust-serve-me-and-we’re-all-goodattitudescaresmebecauseIknowshewillexpectmetoserveherneedsdespitemypositionofauthority.Andthisistrue,becauselaterinthesemestershefeltIwasnotservingherneedsandoptedtorevertbacktoWhitenessbysurveil-lingmewithconstantemailsabouthoweachreadingbringsherdiscomfortbecausefocusingonWhitenessisnotright.Sadly,IknewthiswouldhappenbecauseitissopredictableyetinengagingmypedagogyoftraumaIampreparedtodealwithit. WhatIneedmyWhiteteachercandidatestounderstandisthatourfundsofknowledgearenotaspectacle—ametaphoricsalsathatonecanaddtoLatinizeWhitenessatwhim.Rather,ourfundsofknowledgeareformedbythedailylivesweliveashumanbegins.Metaphoricallyspeaking,wecannotaddthesalsawhenwewantto.Rather,thisthecontextinwhichwemustsurvive.IntheendIamnot

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theoddone,forinteachingWhiteteachercandidateswhosadlycharacteristicallyperformtheirWhitenesstoapointwheretheyregularlyandsometimesapologeti-callycryorshoutatme,Iamthelovingonewhocontinuestostandthereandtakeitsothattheylearnevenatthepriceofmyracializedhumiliation.ForonceaWhitepersontrulyseesthedehumanizationprocessofinvestingintheirWhiteness,standingbeforethemisthePersonofColorwhowasdemoralizedbyit.

Humanizing Colored Pain:

Honoring My Flip Side of Trauma Eightnighthoursgobyandthemidnightmoonfadesbehindthebaskingofearlymorningsunlight.Igetup,getmytwinstotheirurbanpublicschool,putonmysuitandlookatthemirrortomakesureIampresentableformyfirstdayofclass.Buriedwithinmymisleadingpetitefive-footframeandbarelyhundredpoundstature is theheartof awoman—moreover, amotherscholar—who relentlesslyengagesinapedagogyoftraumanotbecauseIneedittosurviveornecessarilywantit.Rather,Iengageitforitis mydutytohumanitytoprovidethisknowledgeformychildrenandthegenerationsthereafter. Armedwith thisnewknowledgeIhavestrategically included threephasesinto thecourse so thatmyWhite teachercandidatescan learnhow theymightbeexertingtheirWhitenessthatultimatelyhurtsPeopleofColor.First,becauseracismhurtsitisimperativethatIreintroducehowtoemotionallyinvestinanti-racistwork.Thatis,insteadofstrictlyfocusingonanti-racistrhetoric,language,andpedagogiesIbegintheclassbyteachingmystudentshowtofeelagain;foriffeelingsarenotaddressedtheywilllacktheemotionalinvestmentsoneededtochangearaciststructure.IdothisbystrategicallyinsertingworkfromscholarsofColorwhodescribethedehumanizingeffectsofracismsothatmyWhiteteachercandidatesre-learnthehurtinracism. Second,Istructuretheclassbyincludingaphasetwo.Afterstudentsdem-onstrateemotionalinvestmenttheymustprovehowtheyarebeginningtoshareintheburdenofracesothatsuchaburdendoesnotfallsolelyontheshouldersofPeopleofColor.SincemostPeopleofColorwhoareraisedinaracistsocietyhadtolearnnotonlythedominantnarrativebutalso,acounternarrative,IaskmyWhiteteachercandidatestofinallyburdenthemselvesaboutlearningallnarratives.Thatis,insteadofalwaysaccommodatingthedominantWhitesocietyIaskmyteachercandidatestolearnhowtomutuallyaccommodatetheirlivestoPeopleofColorbylearninghistoricalfactssilencedintheEurocentriccurriculum(seeNieto&Bode,2008).Thisstrategyofburdeningone’sselftolearnaboutotherswillsupportmyteachercandidateswhentheyenterurbanschoolspopulatedwithstudentsofColorwhosecultureisunfamiliartotheirown.Itwillteachthemthattheymustshareintheburdentocontinuallyunderstandtheirstudentsinordertobeeffectiveteachers.

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Last,noclassondiversity,multiculturaleducation,orsocialfoundationsofurbaneducationwouldbecompleteifthemajorityofWhiteteachercandidatesneverlearnaboutWhitenessitself.However,insteadofaWhiteprivilegeapproachcapturedinMcIntosh’s(2001)prolificknapsackarticle,myclassfocusesonCriti-calWhitenessStudieswhich,likeCriticalRaceTheory,usesaninterdisciplinaryapproach to showmy students howWhitenesswashistorically, politically, andsociallycreatedthroughhistoricalevents,courtcases,andsuburbanization.Es-sentially,myWhiteteachercandidatesneedtolearnhowdidtheybecomeWhite.Furthermore,ifraceisnotaproblemfor just PeopleofColor,thenitisessentialthatWhiteteachercandidateslearnabouthowtheiremotionalinvestmentinWhitenesscreatestheconditionsforwhichPeopleofColorsuffer.Raceisatwo-sidedcoin;onethatrepresentstheplightofPeopleofColorandtheotherthatrepresentshownormalizedexertionsofWhitenessinterconnectswiththepainofracism.Therefore,justasWhiteracialidentityscholarJanetHelms(1990)assertsthatinordertodoworkonracialidentitydevelopment,thatperson“willfirsthavetotakethejourneyherself ”(p.219)sotooshouldWhiteteachercandidateslearnabouttheirWhiteidentitybeyondamererecognitionofbeingWhite. Intheend,thisismystoryofpainandthepedagogyoftraumaIusetohealmyself.ThispedagogystemsfromthedeephumanizinglovethatI(andIrecognizethatothersdoaswell)self-enlistininordertosimplypayitforward.

Notes Behindeverywordistheburdenofapainfulmemory;aburdenInonethelessrecognizeImustshareforracialjustice.Specialthankstomyfirstrole-modelofamotherscholar,mymotherLinaE.Matias.Also,thankstoDrs.RickyLeeAllen,SheilaShannon,DorothyGar-rison-Wade,ChristineSleeter,AERA2012co-panelists,andmyUCDalliesandsupporterswhobravelystoodoutsideadoorthatdeniedthementrance. 1AsculptureinsideSt.Peter’sBasilicainVaticanCity. 2Byusingthepronounwe,Ispeakdirectlytoteachereducators/scholarsofColorwhoproudly endure this cyclic trauma to ensure thathumanitywinsover thedehumanizingsocialconstructionsofracialseparatism,despitebeingsubjectedtoracialdehumanizationthemselves(seeexperiencesoffacultyofcolorinBerry&Mizelle,2006;Stanley,2006).IalsospeaktotrueantiracistWhiteallieswhoworkthroughtheirownpainonadailybasiswithouterroneouslymisplacingtheirfeelingsofWhiteguiltandshameonPeopleofColorandself-investinshoulderingtheemotional,political,andspiritualburdenofracepreciselybecauseitisthehumanthingtodo(seeSleeter2001andcurrentfamilialproject).Ispecifi-callyengagetheword“we”becauseIwanttoremindusthatwearenotaloneinthispainfulwork:aworktiedtoahigherdutytohumanity. 3Andalthough tearsare sociallyconstructedas signsofweakness (anunfortunatepopularizedconnotationthatstemsfromasexistdepictionofawoman’sweaknessinsteadofherstrengthtosurvivepainfultrauma)Iattestmytearsaremybraveengagement. 4LatCritreferstoLatinoCriticalTheory.(Seehttp://www.latcrit.org). 5TestimonioisadaptedfromLatCritscholarsDoloresDelgadoBernal,RebecaBurciaga,

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andTaraYosso,tonameafew.ItreferstotheintimatetestimonyofLatinosthatcountersthedominantnarrativeunderasystemofraceandracism. 6PersonalcommunicationwithDr.RickyLeeAllen. 7 For examples see Alex Haley’s (1965) Malcolm X and Carlos Munoz, Jr.’s (1989) Youth, Identity, Power: The Chicano Movement. 8Istrategicallyusetheterm“counterattack”becauseWhiteresistanceisalreadyanoffensiveanddefensiveattack rolledup intoone.Drawingfrommy training inCriticalRaceTheoryanditsmethodologicalemploymentofcounterstories,mycounterattackisadescriptionofhowIcountertheseeminglyinnocentattacksofmyWhiteteachercandidateswhoinvestintheirWhiteness. 9ThewordchoiceshereexemplifytheritualizedbehaviorsofWhitenessthatPeopleofColorclearlyunderstandthattheystrategicallyavoidtrueconversationsofraceandracismwithWhitefolkslessbesubjecttothesebehaviors.InWhiteallyshipasconceptualizedinCWS,thesebehaviorsarenotonlyunderstoodasnormativebutexperiencedamongWhiteallieswhoalsoengagecriticaldiscussionsofrace. 10 E.g., justification for slavery,Treaty of Hidalgo, 1924 Indian CitizenshipAct,DREAMAct. 11ThisphenomenonconnectstoYosso&Garcia’s(2007)articulationsofcultureofwealth(specificallycapitals)foundincommunitiesofColor.Namely,sinceknowledges(orwhatconstitutesculturesorcapitalsofwealth)subjugatesthroughaprocessofpower,communitiesofColor ina racist societyare thenforced tocombatdominantnarrativesthatdepictcommunitiesofColorinadeficitlensbyassertingtheirfundsofknowledgeorcapitals.Assuch,tosimplyarguethatacultureholdsbeautyistoalsorecognizethatadominantculturehasdeniedthatcharacterizationinthefirstplace. 12SuchasPresidentObama,KobeBryant,SoniaSotomayer,JLo,JeremyLin,andOprah.

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