A Squeaky Clean Renaissance

Prolegomenon: An unlikely hero arrives to bring the Sim World out of the Dark Ages.

Cecilia Goodytwoshoes peacefully wound up her father Cecil’s beloved clock, seemingly unaware of the heated debate taking place between her father and her son, Maximilian, on the floor above.

“You have finally gone irretrievably mad.”

“Not a bit of it. The Legacy is over and requires no effort from me. I must have an occupation.”

“Others may benefit from a devotion to proper ideals and from a work ethic that, though I say it myself, has always been remarkable. The conclusion is inescapable and practical.”

“Practical, Grandpapa? Or inflated with hubris teetering on the edge of madness from the time you were a child? You even gave speeches on the subject: speeches with no audience.”

“My father may have lost his empire, but I intend to make a new one, and what better way than by aggrandizing that of other peoples? This is my dream: from Veronaville in the north to Strangetown in the south, it shall be all Cecil’s.”

“That was your goal: Empire. The legacy house was a means to an end. You were never interested in something as petty as a mere Legacy takeover. You were going to acquire the entire Sim world, and ‘improve’ it for its own good.”

“You went to the lengths of finding a diamond mine to finance your vision.”

“With limitless wealth at your disposal and your own efforts, you would be able to colonize the entire Sim World as you planned.”

“Ah, well. If you have determined to leave, I cannot dissuade you. Where was it that you had intended to go?”

And so it was that Cecil confided a part of his vision: an action unusual for him.

He spoke at some length.

Dragons came into it.

“As I thought: utter, complete madness.”

“You intend to travel back in time to improve the Middle Ages?” “I intend to bring about a Renaissance of higher culture. To as many civilizations as possible.”

“You will be killed, you know.” “I do not think so.”

“Since I determined on this course of action, I have been in continual practice.”

“I am, moreover, not as unaware of the culture and its privations as you may think.”

“In point of fact, on a previous occasion—” “There was a previous occasion?” “Do not raise your voice, Maximilian—I flatter myself that I did rather well.”

“You will disturb the nature of causality.” “Such things do not occur to the well-organized.”

“I cannot persuade you otherwise, Grandpapa?” “You cannot.”

“I have one final piece of counsel.”

“Do not pine. Take action or do not.” “I have no idea to what you are referring.” “Ah. And with that, you prove that you are beyond all doubt my grandchild.”

“Goodbye, Grandpapa.”

The balloon gave itself to the four winds-, floating high above Cecil’s Italianate Gothic villa--

--over and across the ancient, mysterious henge which had always lurked in the distance.

At last, picked up by a strong North Wind and blown wildly into uncharted territory, the balloon came to rest in a dark forest.

And Cecil walked out of it and into a different world.

Long live King Cecil I, Lord of Puritania.

Hello—this is Professor Butters. That’s the Watcher to you, buddy. Like most Watchmaker gods, I don’t intend to become involved, so you won’t be hearing very much from me.

Cecil is a rather flamboyant spare from my legacy, the Squeaky Clean Legacy. Cecil’s great ambition, like his namesake, Cecil Rhodes, was to found a great Empire in order to spread Squeaky Clean Values throughout the Sim World. Therefore, Cecil shall single-handedly bring about the Renaissance out of the Sims Medieval.

Note: Cecil will be completing the Imperial Domination Ambition (annex all territories) while maximizing Knowledge and Culture. Since functionally he will be completing two Ambitions at once, and not very compatible ones at that, I don’t have a problem with cheating myself the QP sufficient for both, do you?

I will also be using “reroll quests” (because it is stupid not to have some options) and debugging cheats when things happen like the King getting stuck in the woods. Otherwise, it shall be played as it lays.

Hear ye the edicts—

There is a monarchy as long as there is a Cecil. If he is eaten, hurled into the Pit of Judgment, poisoned, or assassinated, the monarchy comes to an end and the kingdom is done.

The story will stick to, or be stuck to, the limitations of the game. That includes the quests, and also includes limits on staging scenes, camera angles, etc.

The story will probably come as a much of a surprise to me as to you. Names, concepts, and storylines will be inspired by Spenser’s The Faerie Queene and other Renaissance texts, because what else is an expensive edumacation for? Cecil will be the one carryover character from my or anyone else’s legacy: there will be new characters whom hopefully you will come to enjoy and love.

As for maintaining his Goodytwoshoes values, naturally Cecil will. . .to a point. The Renaissance was even worse than the Middle Ages, if you believe what you see on Showtime. Our friend Machiavelli was right:

“Because how one ought to live is so far removed from how one lives . . . a man who might want to make a show of goodness in all things necessarily comes to ruin among so many who are not good. Because of this it is necessary for a prince, wanting to maintain himself, to learn how to be able to be not good and to use this and not use it according to necessity.”

Sometimes goodness is a luxury you can’t afford.

Cecil will also slay a dragon at some point. This is mandatory. Explicit Prolegomenon.

Credits

Opening picture: Ambrosius Holbein’s map of Sir Thomas More’s Utopia Faerie Queene illustration: Walter Crane (?) (slightly edited) Statue: Niccolo Machiavelli, Uffizi Gallery Passages adapted from the Squeaky Clean Legacy, ch. 15.3, Death on a Cracker; reference to A Squeaky Clean Opera (adaptation of Puccini’s Gianni Schicchi) Printer’s mark, Sacrobosco