a small furry prayer by steven kotler

A SMALL FURRY PRAYER

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By the same author

The Angle Quickest for Flight

West of Jesus: Surfi ng, Science, and the

Origins of Belief

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A SMALL FURRY PRAYERDOG RESCUE AND THE MEANING OF LIFE

STEVEN KOTLER

New York Berlin London

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Copyright © 2010 by Steven Kotler

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information address Bloomsbury USA, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

Published by Bloomsbury USA, New York

All papers used by Bloomsbury USA are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in well- managed forests. The manufacturing pro cesses conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

Library of Congress Cataloging- in- Publication Data

Kotler, Steven, 1967– A small furry prayer : dog rescue and the meaning of life / Steven Kotler.—1st U.S. ed. p. cm. ISBN: 978- 1-60819-002-7 (hardcover) 1. Dog adoption. 2. Dog rescue. I. Title.

SF427.K68 2010636.7— dc222010012019

First U.S. Edition 2010

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Typeset by Westchester Book GroupPrinted in the United States of America by Worldcolor Fairfi eld

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For Joy Nicholson

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Preface

It is cold night and dark skies and I am sitting in an old rocking chair on the back porch of a small adobe in the mountains of north-ern New Mexico watching the moon rise through the slats of a dilapidated barn and trying to make sense of the dying. Inside the house, my wife is asleep, as are most of the dogs. People like to ask how many we have and after exploring other options I’ve come to understatement as the best approach. “Six hundred and thirty- seven,” is what I usually say, “you know, give or take.” The real number seems closer to eigh teen, but this is tentative supposition based on indirect evidence— how much room there is in the bed at night, the timbre of the barking when the neighbors let their horses out to pasture, the amount of fecal matter found in the morning on pee pads set out the eve ning prior for those too young or too old to wait. Tentative supposition, that is, because once the dying started I lost all desire to count.

I have completely lost track of time as well. My guess is it’s April 2008, but it’s mostly a guess. Later I will realize this is one of the advantages to sitting shivah, the Jewish rite of mourning, where tradition dictates seven days for the pro cess. Without any similar ritual for animals, grief has no anchor. And no barrier. It can last a week, a month; perhaps it will never end. No relatives fl y in from far away to cook meals, no friends drive through the night to at-tend the ser vice. There’s no one to bring me a tumbler of whiskey,

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none to quietly let me know when I’ve had too much. Defi nitely not my wife. When we fi rst met, she used to say that the trouble with us is that when we’re alone together, there’s no adult in the room. It was funny then— and lately I miss those days.

Scientists who study what is now known as “companion animal bereavement” often point out that the grief following the death of a pet can be far worse than that of a person, even if that person is a close friend or family member. Psychologist Lorri Greene, the author of Saying Good- bye to the Pet You Love, co- founder of the San Diego County Pet Bereavement Program, and an internationally recognized expert on the subject, once told me this is why vets have such a high suicide rate. Another is that bereavement is frequently compounded by the facts of euthanasia and the guilt that often fol-lows. Personally, because of the unusual circumstances that sur-round the dogs in my care, I have not felt that par tic u lar regret, though what was true for bluesman Kansas Joe McCoy in 1929 re-mains so today: If it keeps on rainin’, levee’s goin’ to break.

By now, perhaps, you have come to understand what you are getting. You are getting a guy who placed a bet he could not cover. Someone who wandered too far from the mothership and won’t be back in time to catch the last fl ight out. I have begun to doubt what phi los o phers call “fi rst principles,” defi ned as “those that cannot be deduced from any other.” These are foundational assumptions, a priori truths, axioms in mathematics. It was Aristotle who formu-lated the fi rst fi rst principle, the tautology denoted as A = A. I have always had some diffi culty distinguishing optimism from fantasy and chose as my fi rst principle the metaphysical certainty that everything would work out because I was doing the right thing. Of course, my wife, who has signifi cantly more experience in such matters, told me diff erently. Of course, I didn’t listen.

A year ago my wife and I moved to these mountains to run a dog sanctuary. We specialize in dogs with special needs: the very

PREFACE

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old, the very sick, the really retarded. Many of the animals we take in will need years of work before they are eligible for adoption. Many will never be eligible. We believe that how an animal dies is important, so we’ve become purveyors of a few great months and a very good death. Not many rescuers do this sort of hospice work, as most fi nd it too trying. My wife is tough enough to take it. My excuse is a predilection toward risk and a history of lucky— which, I assumed, would have some predictive value. Let’s just say, in this case, A did not equal A.

One of the lucky things I assumed had predictive value was that my fi rst year and a half in this cause had been remarkably death free. Dogs would arrive in our care in dire shape with dire warn-ings: three weeks to live, a month at most. But there is a diff erence between how long a dog is supposed to live and how long that dog does live, and in a great many cases that diff erence is my wife. Again she tried to tell me otherwise; again I didn’t listen. By Febru-ary 2008 I had developed a false sense of confi dence— which was about when the universe decided to make up for lost time.

We now have a small pet cemetery in our backyard. The graves are laid out in a line. If I stand directly in the center of them, my best friend’s grave is two to my left, my wife’s best friend two to my right. We lost a lot of love that winter. Seven dogs total. Seven dogs dead in seven weeks. Vinnie was among them. He was a schnauzer, sweet and old and prone to the shivers. Once the winter arrived, we began wrapping him in comforters and sweaters and anything else we could think of to keep him warm. After we buried him, I couldn’t shake the concern. Two nights ago, my wife found me standing above Vinnie’s grave with a blanket in one hand and a shovel in the other. When she asked me what I was doing there, I told her what was most likely the truth: that I didn’t really know. Judging by appearances, my plan was to dig up his body and wrap him up tighter.

PREFACE

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“You know he’s dead, right?” she asked after a while.“Uh- huh,” I said. “I was worried he was cold.”There’s a small cherry tree shading our graveyard. I remember

how hopeful we felt when we planted it. Our world was shiny and new back then. Nothing was irrevocable, everything was possible. I had not yet concluded that the bet I could not cover involved my own happiness, as I had not yet come to understand that the life I was living was, in fact, real. My wife laid the shovel beneath the cherry tree, took my hand, and led me toward the house. “It’s late. Why don’t you come back to bed.” She was about to tell me that everything would be better in the morning, but I watched her swallow those words. She’s a realist. It’s been a very long time since anything was better in the morning.

PREFACE

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PART ONE

Walking on water wasn’t built in a day.—Jack Kerouac

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Not too long ago, I took all the money I had in the world and bought a postage stamp of a farm in Chimayo, New Mexico. It was an impulse buy. I didn’t know much about country living, had never entertained secret pastoral fantasies. One moment I was a money- grubbing bastard, the next a guy negotiating for a donkey. Sure, there was the recent conclusion that nothing in common remained between the life I had imagined and the one I was leading— but did farm animals solve this par tic u lar problem?

It wasn’t much of a problem. Just another existential crisis in the early spring of 2007, and they were in fashion that year. It was the season of nowhere to hide. The economy was lousy, the ice caps melting. There were water wars on the horizon and oil wars under way, and those bees kept dying. Global pandemic came back on the menu. We were freakishly short of food. And this, the ex-perts said, was just the warm- up round. The term scientists have coined for our current planetary die- off is the “Sixth Great Extinc-tion.” I couldn’t remember ever not feeling tired. All that seemed clear was that at some point we had butchered the job and begun to call up down and right left, and just about everybody I knew could no longer fi nd their way home.

Like others, I had learned the necessary stagecraft. During my waking hours I was a competent enough act as far as such things were concerned: a journalist by trade; a taker of notes, meetings, and an


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acceptable level of nonprescription pharmaceuticals; a waterer of house plants; fully capable of handling most cutlery; able to recall Spencer Tracy’s advice on thesping—“remember your lines and don’t walk into the furniture”— during those times of need. As I turned forty that year, there had been plenty of times of need.

In four de cades I’d managed to accumulate some hard facts, but little true wisdom. I can say for certain that the Fifth Great Extinc-tion was the one that killed off the dinosaurs, but didn’t think to ask anyone a question about Chimayo before moving there. I was un-aware that my new home sits in the heart of the Española Valley and that the Rio Grande Sun is the newspaper that serves that valley. I did not know that the Sun’s weekly police blotter had lately become something of a national amusement. Jay Leno liked the woman who smuggled heroin inside a burrito to her boyfriend in jail. National Public Radio liked the man “in a white Dodge chasing people around with a sword” and the guy wearing “a blue sweater and blue pants talking to the robotic horse in front of the grocery store,” and the one who “challenged his entire family to a fi ght and was pres-ently hitting his mother.”

It had also escaped notice that Chimayo has one of the highest rates of drug addiction in the country and that a signifi cant portion of the local population was arrested in September 1999 when Op-eration Tar Pit swept through town. Nor did I hear the August 18, 2005, NPR broadcast that included the commentary of local clean- living activist Dr. Fernando Bayardo, who pointed out that such abuse has been entrenched in this area for over fi fty years. “You have a grandmother shooting up with a grandchild. You have family members shooting up together. It’s not something the teenage son hides from other family members. How are you going to change those unhealthy lifestyles and habits and develop new norms?”

I had no idea how to develop new norms. All that was certain was that my girlfriend and I had been thrown out of our house in


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Los Angeles with no other options beyond the just plain dumb. In our case, the just plain dumb was deciding to bet everything on a bunch of dogs and a pie- in- the- sky list of homesteading desires. The dogs we’ll get to in a moment. The desires were or ga nized into a wish list of sorts, written the night after we’d learned we were be-ing booted, in a state of not so quiet desperation. A number of the items on that list were critical. My girlfriend had lupus. I had Lyme. Together we were two tenors with multiple sclerosis shy of an auto-immune quartet. We needed long days of brilliant sunshine because we needed to walk. Few zoning restrictions and lots of space were also important because we had a bunch of animals and plans for more. Unfortunately, what we didn’t have was all that much money.

The only location in America that fi t all our desires was Santa Fe, New Mexico, but Santa Fe was nearly as expensive as Los Angeles. Maybe an outlying community that had escaped the housing boom was the pipe dream. Oprah Winfrey had a ten-million-dollar man-sion in the only outlying community we’d heard about, so maybe this was the crack- pipe dream. There were forty items on our wish list. We had the bud get for ten. The thing about Chimayo— we got thirty- nine. I should have known there was a pretty good reason for this, but by the time that puzzle was solved, talking to a robotic horse in front of the grocery store made as much sense as anything else I could think up.


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2

About six weeks before I bought the farm, I decided that life weighed too much. So I gave away three thousand books, six gar-bage bags of clothing, four bookcases, three chairs, three back-packs, two tables, two pairs of skis, two surfboards, two computers, an old skateboard, a torn tent, a packed fi ling cabinet, a small comic book collection, some entomological gear left over from the bug- collecting phase, a bit of pornography—two- thirds of everything by the end. I had decided to move in with my girlfriend. She lived in a very small house.

My girlfriend’s name is Joy. Her small house sat just south of the Santa Monica Mountains, just north of Hollywood, in the town-ship of Los Feliz— two words that translate from Spanish to En glish as “the happy.” Nearby is the Griffi th Park Observatory, the Greek Theater, and the three thousand other acres that collectively make up Griffi th Park. The park was bequeathed to the city of Los Angeles in December 1896, a sort of Christmas present from the appropriately named Griffi th J. Griffi th. His gift came with only one condition: “It must be made a place of recreation and rest for the masses, a resort for the rank and fi le, for the plain people.” We were the plain people and— for a short while— we lived in the happy.

Our house was rented, cheap, possibly haunted, and mea-sured out to exactly 666 square feet. It perched atop a steep cliff ,


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surrounded by a dense thicket of tall trees. Inside, a small living room gave way to a smaller bedroom and on into a kitchen the size of a ship’s galley. Everywhere, the paint peeled and pipes broke. There were cracks in the walls, holes in the fl oor, and doors that wouldn’t quite shut. Even the stairs leading up that cliff were not much more than a makeshift ladder of rotting wood, but life at the top was quiet and calm and the living room was a wall of windows. We had fallen in love looking out those windows, looking at our view of the happy.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “There is more to life than increas-ing its speed,” and while I agree completely, two weeks after Joy and I moved in together, we moved out together. There was no other choice. Our landlord had bought too many properties back when the getting was good. In person, he’d told us ours was the last he’d planned on developing. “Two years at least— and a six- month warn-ing before I give you the boot,” was what he’d said. We had been going on faith here, as none of this was in writing. In writing was an already expired lease followed by a month- to- month contract. That contract gave us thirty days to vacate and no recourse. When we mentioned lawyers, he mentioned the ASPCA. That, as they say, was the end of that.

Our problems were more than a few. The fi rst was simple eco-nomics. We were broke. Certainly I had the money to buy that house in New Mexico, but that was the entirety of my savings ac-count, and we’d been living off that savings account for much of the past year. We were both writers. The magazine industry was in the tank, and the publishing industry wasn’t far behind. It was a silly time to try to make a living out of words, but it was a silly time in general. Anyway, our real problem was the dogs.

The reason we lived in a broken- down house atop a steep cliff was that that house came with an exceptionally large yard and


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exceptionally few neighbors and we needed both because there are seven animal shelters in Los Angeles and dozens more in surround-ing communities. At capacity the bigger ones hold about two hun-dred animals, and they’re almost always at capacity. There’s only one way to make more space. Canines may be man’s best friend, but most of these shelters still have ninety percent kill rates. They euthanize more than a thousand dogs a month in the City of An-gels, and Joy spent much of her time trying to even those odds.

Dog rescue involves plucking a dog off death row in the hopes of eventually fi nding the animal a home. Most of these animals arrive in pretty poor shape. Rehab takes months of hard work. It often takes thousands of dollars in medical care— much of which comes out of the rescuer’s pocket. Occasionally, after all that, some of these dogs end up too sick or too diffi cult to be adoptable. Dog rescuers call these “lifers.” In my late twenties, an old girlfriend awoke one morning to end our relationship. “I want eight kids, you don’t want any,” was her reasoning. While I couldn’t fault her logic, she’d long known of my antipathy toward children. It had taken her over a year to realize there was no changing my mind. Not much later, for advertising purposes, I printed up a T-shirt reading Dogs Not Kids. I still feel that way— but lifers add a whole other dimen-sion to the equation.

Years back, Joy had started out rescuing En glish bull terriers. For those unfamiliar, these are squat white beasts created by some eighteenth- century madman intent on crossing a bulldog, a pit bull, and a Dalmatian. They were bred for bull baiting, a pro cess that in-volved leaping at the underbelly of a bull, clamping jaws to testicles, and applying something like sixteen hundred pounds per square inch of pressure to said testicles. Eventually the bull fell down. Then the dogs released the balls and tore out the throat. Until it was out-lawed in 1835, this is what passed for fun in Britain.

Afterward, bull terriers became fi ghting dogs, meaning they


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were still bred for aggression. Their albino coats are highly prized, but the inbreeding required for such coloration leaves them with compromised immune systems and limited social skills. They also have an extremely short intestinal tract, which leads to bad diges-tion and worse gas. The results are an aggressive, easily agitated, stubborn, single- minded fi replug of a fart machine so damn macho that the only other dogs Joy’s bull terrier wouldn’t attack on sight were Chihuahuas— thus she had fi ve of them.

And there was also some kind of dachshund- beagle hybrid, and then my half- husky, half- Rottweiler got added into the mix. We totaled out at eight— and they were all lifers. This was a little tricky since Los Angeles’s canines- per- household law specifi es three as the legal limit. Trying to fi nd a landlord willing to bend this rule under the best of circumstances was diffi cult. Then the real estate market stalled and the rental market soared. The city’s occupancy rate stood at 96 percent. Under such conditions, fi nding an aff ordable apart-ment that took eight dogs was right up there with world peace and ample leg room in coach class on the list of things that weren’t going to happen anytime soon.

It was a Sunday when we found out our house was being sold. I came back from running errands to fi nd Joy crying on the couch. She told me the landlord had dropped the hammer, and then told me she had made a decision. She was moving to Mexico, where life was cheap and they didn’t care how many dogs one owned. I had no desire to live in Mexico. I had no chance to revive my career in Mexico. This wasn’t, it is worth pointing out, her fi rst choice. It was her last chance. She knew I couldn’t move to Mexico with her, but it had taken over two years of constant looking to fi nd our small house and we didn’t have two years. We had less than a month— and almost no money. She couldn’t stand the thought of being a burden. “You want a life in the city, a great career, and you’re not going to get that with me and my dogs.”


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All of which might be true. It was also true that I didn’t want those things anymore. What I wanted was to feel like something in this world mattered, even if it had been a long time since that had been the case. What was the case was that I’ve been downright silly for Joy ever since the day we met. I gave away a lot of stuff to move in with her, and truthfully, it all could have gone. Most days, my gal and her dogs were the only things around worth keeping. So no, none of us were going to Mexico, though all of us were going somewhere— that much for sure.


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“I have mea sured out my life with coff ee spoons” are nine words that T. S. Eliot once wrote. During the period of time I’m talking about I would often repeat these words to myself as some kind of talisman, meant to ward off . . . well, I was never quite sure. They were often stuck in my head when I was stuck in traffi c, among the hundred- foot billboards, the thousand- dollar haircuts, the every-body with their shopping bags, the endless repetition of strip malls and strip clubs and suntans— this whole mad crush that was often Los Angeles. These words were my way of putting into perspective the feeling that had become much of my day. I was forty years old and no longer sure my life meant much of anything.

I had come into adulthood equipped with the essentially ro-mantic delusion that life would get easier. It had not gotten easier, but had gotten something. I began making choices. I gave up cook-ing for thirty seconds in the micro wave. I wrote books but stopped reading. I missed the days when the drugs did the work. I wasn’t unhappy so much as unsure. Just the constant sensation that what-ever else might be true, this was defi nitely not what I’d ordered.

It was a time when I wasn’t alone in questioning the way I was living. Joy and I had been having philosophical diff erences. When being polite, we called these diff erences “art versus altruism.” We were not always polite. I believed in creativity, the act of making something from nothing, the high- minded transfer of inspiration,


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and other such claptrap. She felt the making of art was inherently selfi sh, and instead trumpeted the quiet generosity of laying it all on the line for every blessed creature. It doesn’t sound like much of a fi ght— but it was.

What seemed to be at stake was the best way to live in the world; what was really at stake was the best way to live together. Dog rescue is often emotionally exhausting and physically time- swallowing, while freelance writing is more of the same. Love doesn’t always hold up under those conditions. Joy’s had both ex- boyfriends and ex- husbands grow jealous of her dogs— which helps explain how they became exes— while I hadn’t managed a long- term relationship in de cades.

Then there was our fi nancial future. Neither of our causes came with a great paycheck, a downside I combated with the traditional metaphysics: do what you love and the rest will follow. But with both of us doing what we loved, would the rest really follow? And if one of us had to get a real job? Since her higher calling involved living crea-tures and mine involved putting words together in a straight line, common sense said I should be the one to make the sacrifi ce. Unfor-tunately, in my experience, common sense and higher callings are contradictions in terms.

It was into this debate that a dog named Damien arrived. He was not much over ten pounds, fl ea- bit and back broke. His en-tire life had been spent tied to a radiator, his home range a two- foot patch of hard- packed dirt, his collar a thin metal chain dug so deep into his fl esh it required surgery to remove. There were plenty of available comforts lying around; Damien was past the point of avail-able comforts. For his fi rst three months with us, he stayed beneath the house, living inside an old truck tire, trying to kill anything that came close. And more and more, I was coming around to his per-spective.

It was clearly time for a change. Joy’s side of the argument


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hinged on the crucial fact that besides doing animal rescue she was also a writer, with two books to her name and more success than had ever come my way. She had lived the art and preferred the al-truism. Until I’d done the same, in her opinion, my opinion re-mained suspect.

“Now wait just a minute,” I tried to protest. “I defi nitely have some experience with altruism.”

“Which is?”“Like everybody else who backpacked through Asia after col-

lege, I had sex with a Peace Corps volunteer.”“Uh- huh,” she said, “absolutely, that counts.”So I guess you could say that when I traded forty years of the

mostly ordinary for a world made of dog, I was trying to prove her wrong. Or me right. Or something else entirely. Turns out it was something else entirely.

But what that something is— is a bit of a longer story.


a small furry prayer by steven kotler

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