A Quick Start Guide to Taking Care of Yourself for LGBTQ Christians

with Unaffirming FamiliesLESSON THREE

When it comes to being around unaffirming family and friends, no matter what happens, you can get through it.In the first lesson, we talked about how you have an absolute right to self

care and in yesterday’s lesson we got clear on what a safe space looks like for

you and—even more importantly—how you want to feel.

In today’s lesson, I’m going to share with you some specific tactics for creating that safe space and cultivating those feelings—even in the face of family and friends who don’t accept you completely.

I’m excited to dive into specific tactics that you can start using right now to

keep yourself safe around un-affirming family, friends, and church members.

And I’ve got a new resource—and a special offer—for how you can get even

more self care support that I’m going to share at the end of the video.

Ok… let’s get specific.

1. BoundariesYou are allowed to set boundaries. That might sound like a revolution, almost

impossible, idea but let me tell you, it’s life-changing.

Those can be physical boundaries:

Physical Boundaries: it’s ok to not go home, to limit your time

together, to meet at a neutral location

Emotional Boundaries: You can decide what’s ok to talk about, how

people need to refer to you, and the depth of what you’ll share. You can

decide to only share what you’re comfortable with. Seriously.

2. Nourish your soulMake a playlist of music you love and that makes you feel awesome. If you

need to, step away for a bit and listen to your favorite song. Bring some DVDs

to the Christmas party and put them on for distraction. Give yourself some

breathing space.

In An LGBTQ Christian Guide to Self-Care, we’ve got a toolkit of book

recommendations, journal prompts, guided meditations, and curated

playlists to get you started cooking up food for your soul.

3. Know you support system (and use it)Have a friend you can spend time with away from your challenging family or

friends. If you need to, have them call with an “emergency” or let everyone

know right away that you need to leave at a certain time. Give yourself

permission to leave if things get too intense. You don’t have to stay super

late. You can stay in a hotel instead of sleeping on your parents couch. Do

what you need to do to give yourself the out you need.

Your support system doesn’t need to be nearby. Find friends with whom you

can call or text. When you’re stressed or scared or your family says or does

something messed up and you need advice or just to vent, have a friend or

two on standby that you can reach out to.

Friends can be online too! It’s been hugely helpful for me to be able to log

into Twitter and have a whole bunch of people I can reach out to. We use

Twitter as a place to vent, to be around likeminded people, to ask for prayer,

or to find stuff to make me laugh.

Some Twitter hashtags where you can meet like-minded Christians are

#QueerTheology, #qfaith, and #FaithfullyLGBT

We created a more formal community for LGBTQ Christians (and straight

supporters) to come together called Sanctuary Collective. It’s full of folks from

around the world who are figuring out together how to do life faithfully. We

support each other. We listen to each other. We strategize with each other.

We mourn with each other. We celebrate with each other. It’s an amazing

place and there’s more info at the end of this guide about how to join.

One final assignment for you today:

Write down exactly what you’re doing to take care of yourself. Actually write

it out. There’s also sorts of research that says you’re more likely to follow

through on something when you write it down. Taking care of yourself is

important. This is a commitment to yourself.

Take Action

Here is exactly what I will do to take care of myself around folks who do not fully respect, affirm, and support me:

What’s Next...Everything we’ve covered in these three workbooks is enough to help you

start taking care of yourself right now.

We would love to hear how you’re putting these tools into action! Tweet us at

@qtheology or drop us a message by email (connect@queertheology.com —

we share that account)

In An LGBTQ Christian Guide to Self-Care, we expand each of these ideas and

tools in greater detail. If these workbooks have been a quick start guide, the

full guide is a deep dive.

There are 6 sections

1. You have a right to self care

2. What is self care?

3. Objections to self care

4. Boundaries

5. Tactics for self care

6. What happens when it’s your partner’s family?

Each section has a written lesson plus a video conversation between the two

of us (Brian and Fr. Shay) which gives some practical examples and addresses

some common concerns from each lesson (about 30 minutes of video

lessons in total).

There’s a self-care toolkit filled with printable journals, downloadable prayer

and meditations, and a Spotift playlist.

Get instant access to An LGBTQ Christian Guide to Self Care in Sanctuary Collective

More About Sanctuary CollectiveSanctuary Collective is QueerTheology.com’s membership program. As Emmett, a member, describes it, “it’s full of folks who are tender, hard thinkers, ready to do life together while we sort through theology.”

It’s a place where you can explore deeply without ever having to apologize for either your queerness or yoour Christianity or even for your doubts. Your whole self is welcome.

In addition to An LGBTQ Christian Guide to Self Care, Sanctuary Collective also includes

An online community where you can connect with LGBTQ & allied Christians (and skeptics) to chat, discuss your faith journey, share your joys and challenges, and seek ways to authentically live out your faith, sexuality, and gender

Weekly discussion questions to prompt you to think deeper, bigger, and sometimes sillier

Webinar archive: on-demand access to a growing number of webinars on diverse topics

Subscription to Spit & Spirit, a digital magazine wrestling with the reality of faith. A new issue is available each month

Walking Toward Resurrection, a transgender passion narrative

Resurrecting Faith, reflections & instructions on leaving a theology of death and creating a faith that gives you life

A growing collection of live and on-demand courses, including how to read the Bible and Christianity & Polyamory

Join now and get access to all this (and more). You can cancel at any time.

Stay in touchSelf-Care is a process, not a destination. We are here for you as continue to

journey through life, faith, and queerness. Say hello on social media or send

us an email to let us know if you found this guide helpful, if you’re still stuck

anywhere, what else you could use support around, or anything else.

Blessings on your journey,

Fr. Shay & Brian

P.S. If Sanctuary Collective isn’t for you but you’d still like to support this work

so that free resources like this can continue to be available, we’d be grateful

for your support on Patreon.