a program for premarital guidance internet version 2 july 2008

8/10/2019 A Program for Premarital Guidance Internet Version 2 July 2008

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AProgramforPremarital

GuidanceByRonFlowe rs

CoDire ctor,De partme ntofFamilyMinistrie s

Ge ne ral

Confe re nce

of

Se ve nth

day

Adve ntists

Introduction

Thisprogramprovide ssugge stionsforase rie sofe ightse ssionsofapproximate ly90minute s

e achbe twe e nacoupleandapastor,counse lororothe rindividualwithtrainingintheissue sre late dto

pre maritalguidance . Coupleassignme ntsforbe twe e nse ssionsareinclude d. Thefinalse le ctionof

topicsandadaptationmaybemadeasne ce ssarybythepastor/counse lortofitparticularsituations.

Objectives

1. Tohe lpthecoupletoe stablishaChristianfoundationformarriage .

2. Topre parethecoupleforthetransitiontomarrie dlife .

3.

To

assist

the

couple

in

de ve lopme nt

of

re lationship

skills.4. Toconfirmthecouple 'sde cisiontomarrye achothe rore ncouragethe mtopostponethe ir

we ddinguntilfurthe rre lationalgrowthoccurs.

Oneofthebyproductsoftheprogramcanbethede ve lopme ntofconfide nceandtrustinthe

pastor/counse lorsothatcouple swillhavegre ate rappre ciationforspe cialize dhe lpforthe irmarriagein

thefuture .

Methodology

Inthisprogram,informationandre lationshipskillbuildinge le me ntsarecombine dwith

pe rsonalandre lationshipasse ssme nttools. Thepastor/counse lorprovide sinformationasne ce ssary

andmode lstheskillsinvolve d,butprimarilyse rve sasafacilitatorandcoachofaproce ssthate nable s

the

couple

to

discove r

the ir

pe rsonal

and

re lationship

stre ngths

and

we akne sse s

and

stimulate s

re lationalgrowth.

PreparingforMarriageInventory

ThePreparingforMarriageInventoryistheprimaryasse ssme nttoolinthisprogram. Itprovide s

ame ansforthepastor/counse lortoasse ssthepe rsonalandre lationalne e dsofthecouple . The

couple sre sponse stoPMIalsoprovide sasourceofmate rialforcounse lorcouplediscussionandcouple

dialogueinthepre se nceofthepastor/counse lorduringthese ssions.

2008De partme ntofFamilyMinistrie s

Ge ne ralConfe re nceofSe ve nthdayAdve ntists


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Session1: FoundationsforMarriage

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession1.

Writetwoorthre eparagraphsgivingyourde finitionofmarriage . Includere fle ctionson

Ge ne sis2:25,25;Prove rbs2:17;Malachi2:14. WhydoyouthinkGodhate sdivorce(Malachi2:16)?

Comple tethePreparingforMarriageInventory.

Comple teWorkshe e tA:"AmIRe adyforMarriage ?"

Ifadditionalte stinginstrume ntssuchasMye rsBriggsTypeIndicator,TaylorJohnson

Te mpe rame ntAnalysisorPREPAREareavailable ,the ymaybeassigne datthistime .

Counselor'sOutlineforSession1.

Getacquainted. Aske achpartne rtointroduceandde scribetheothe rtoyou. Share

informationaboutyourse lfthatwille nablethe mtore latetoyouasape rsonaswe llasacounse lor.

Discusstheirexpectationsofpremaritalcounseling. Ask:"Whatwouldyouliketose e

accomplishe dduringthispe riodofpre maritalpre paration?"

Askabouttheirreasonsformarrying. Invitethecoupletode scribetoe achothe rthespe cific

re asonswhythe ywanttomarrye achothe r. Beatte ntivetothe irre asons,affirmingthepositive sand

makingme ntalnoteofthemoreunhe althyre asonsforlate rdiscussion.

Amongtheunhe althyre asonofmarriage :Atte mptingtoimproveone sne gativese lfimage ,fe ar

oflife longsingle ne ss,marryingonthere boundfromaforme rpainfulre lationship,e scapinganunhappy

home ,guiltbe causeofse xualintimacyorpre gnancy. Positivere asonsinclude :Companionship,

partne rship

in

work

for

God

and

othe rs,

fulfillme nt

of

one s

own

and

one s

partne rs

ne e ds,

fulfillme nt

of

se xualne e dsinthewayGodinte nds,convictionthatmarriagetothispe rsonisinharmonywithGod's

will.

DiscussChristianfoundationsformarriage. Invitethecoupletosharethe irwritte n

de finitionsofmarriageanddiscusswithe achothe rthe irunde rstandingoftheassigne dte xts. Additional

que stionsmightinclude :Whatisyourpre se ntre lationshiptoChristandwhatrolewillHeplayinyour

marriage ? WhatareyourconvictionsaboutdivorceasanoptionforChristians? Howwillyourposition

affe ctthequalityofyourcommitme nttooneanothe r? "AnAffirmationofMarriage "(Handout1)may

beuse dtocontinuethediscussiononChristianmarriageorgive ntothecoupleforre adingand

discussionoutsidethese ssion.

Discuss

the

transition

from

premarital

life

to

marriage.

Que stions

for

the

couple

might

include :Whatwillbediffe re ntaboutyourre lationshipafte rthewe ddingdayothe rthanphysicalse xual

intimacy? Doyoufore se eanyhurtle syouwillhavetosurmount? Ifso,whatmightthe ybe ? Encourage

the mtodiscussthe irre sponse swithe achothe rrathe rthandire ctingthe irre sponse stowardyou.

Majorissue sinthetransitionfromthepre maritalpe riodtomarriageincludele avingone sfamily

oforiginandchangingthere lationshipswithoppositese xfrie ndsandwithpare ntstore fle ctthefact


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thatthe ynowhaveaspe cialre lationshipwithe achothe r. Explorewiththecouplewhatthe ythink

mightbeinvolve dine achofthe setasks.

Collectremaininghomeworkassignments;Distributenextassignments. Colle ctthe ircopie s

ofPreparingforMarriageInventoryandWorkshe e tA:"AmIRe adyforMarriage ?" The sewillhe lpyou

inyourongoingasse ssme ntofthecouple sne e ds.

Session2:FamilyandRelationshipHistory

CouplesAssignmentsbeforeSession2

Ifthecouplehasnotcomple te dthePreparingforMarriageInventory,the yshoulddosoin

pre parationforSe ssion2.

Counselor'sOutlineforSession2

Welcome,timeforconcernsandquestions.

Discuss

each

individual's

family

history.

Past

family

re lationships

te nd

to

influe nce

how

we

re latetoothe rsnowandinthefuture . PartsXI,XIIofPMIprovidetherawmate rialforthisse ssion.

Additionaldiscussionpoints:Whomake sde cisionsinthefamilyinwhichyougre wup? Whoowns

whatte rritory? Howisyourfianc /fianc esimilartoyourfathe rormothe r? Isthe reanywayinwhich

the reisstillade pe nde ncyorsome thingunre solve dbe twe e nyouandyourpare nts? Whatisthe re

aboutyourpare ntsmarriagethatyouwantordon'twant? Howwouldyoulikefe e lingsoflove ,

warmth,andte nde rne ssshowntoyouinpublicandinyourhome ?

Discussrelatedfamilysystemsissues. Ifyouarefamiliarwiththeuseofage nogram,youmay

constructoneforthecoupleande nde avortoide ntifyproble maticfamilylinkage s,aswe llasissue sof

addictionandcode pe nde ntbe haviors.

Que stionsthatcancre atediscussionwiththecoupleatthistimeinclude :Isthe reanything

aboutyourse lforyourpastthatyouthinkmightse riouslyaffe ctyourmarriage ? Wasthe realcoholor

substanceabuseinyourfamily,lackofaffirmation,ore motional,se xual,orphysicalabuse ? Howhave

youfoundthepre se nceofanyofthe sethingstohaveaninflue nceonyourlifetoday? Inwhatwayswill

youmakechange ssothatthepre se nceofthe seinthepastwille nableyoutohaveadiffe re ntfuture

toge the r? Inthelightofwhatishappe ningtomarriage stoday,whywillyoursbediffe re nt?

Providehope. Closewiththehope fulande ncouragingthoughtthat,thoughdifficultie sand

dysfunctionmayhavemarke done 'shistoryinthepast,itispossiblewithGod'she lptocre atehe althy

patte rnsofre lationshiptodaythatarediffe re ntfromthoseofthepast.

Session3:CelebratingOurDifferences


Writte ne xe rcise :Candidlylistfe ars,anxie tie sorworrie sthatyouhaveasyouthinkabout

be ingmarrie d.

Workshe e tB:"Ce le bratingOurDiffe re nce s"


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Discusstestresults. Ifyouhaveuse date stsuchasMye rsBriggsTypeIndicator,Taylor

JohnsonTe mpe rame ntAnalysis,orPREPARE,youmaywishtodiscussthere sultswiththecoupleatthis

time . Tre atallsuchinformationasprivateand,ifyouplantosharere sultswiththecoupletoge the r,do

soonlywiththepe rmissionofe achpartne r. Donotfocussole lyonthediffe re nce sbe twe e nthe

spouse s. Lookforopportunitie stoaffirmthepartne rs'accuracie sinunde rstandinge achothe r.

Assistthecoupleinunderstanding,acceptingandappreciatingeachothersdifferentness.

Thecomple te de xe rcise"Ce le bratingOurDiffe re nce s"(Workshe e tB)aswe llasre sultsyouhave

obse rve dinthe irPreparingforMarriageInventorywillprovidefurthe rinsightsintoare asinwhichthe y

mayfe e ltrouble dbythe irdiffe re nce s.

Somediffe re ntne sscanbee xpe cte dincouple s,arisingfromdiffe re nce singe nde r,

te mpe rame nt,familyoforigin,culture ,andhabitsorpe rsonalpre fe re nce s. Unde rstanding,

accommodation,adaptation,e ve nappre ciationcomeasthecouple sloveandcommitme ntareaide dby

improve d

communication

and

conflict

re solution

skills.

Provide

opportunity

for

the

couple

to

discuss

the ire xe rciseCe le bratingOurDiffe re nce s. He lpthe mtoide ntifye achothe r'sne e dsandtotalk

ope nlyabouthowthe ye xpe cttoaddre ssthe senowandinthefuture . Beale rtforthete nde ncyto

glossove rdiffe re ntne ssorthee xpe ctationthattheothe rpe rsonwillchange . Watchforwarningsigns

ofabuse ,attitude sofsupe riority,manipulation,ore motionalcontrolthatareinappropriatein

re lationships.

Discusshealthyselfworth. Youmaywishtodiscusstheimportanceofahe althyse nseof

pe rsonalworthasitisroote dfirstofallinGod'sattitudeofloveandacce ptanceofusthroughChrist

andthe nre inforce dbye xpe rie nce sofunconditionallovefoundwithinmarriage ,withfamily,frie ndsor

church. Askthecoupletodialoguetoge the rsothatyoucanhe arthe mtalkabout:Inwhatwaysdoe ach

of

you

give

affirmation

to

e ach

othe r,

build

e ach

othe r

up

(Rom.

14:

19;

1

The ss.

5:ll),

or

lift

e ach

othe r

upwhe nyoufall(Ecc.4:12)?

Collectthecouple'swrittenexerciseonfearsinmarriage. Youmaywishtohavethisme re ly

forinformationortohavethecouple sdiscussthe sewithe achothe rduringalate rse ssion.

Session4:Communication


Workshe e tC:"CommunicationChe cklist"

Workshe e t

D:

"Communication

and

Us"



DiscussresponsestoWorksheetC:"CommunicationChecklist." Askthecoupletosharethe ir

re sponse swithe achothe r.


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Someinstructionincommunicationandcoachingofthecoupletoexplorenew

communicationpatternsmaybeappropriate. He lpthecoupletounde rstandthere lationshipofve rbal

andnonve rbalcommunication(Handout2:"CommunicationCompone nts"). Asage ne ralrule ,couple s

shouldusebothnonve rbalandve rbalme ssage swhe ne xpre ssingpositivefe e lingsbutre lyhe avilyon

wordswhe nthe ywishtocommunicatene gativefe e lings. The yshouldbeabletoliste natte ntive lyto

thethoughtsandfe e lingsofothe rs(Handout3:Liste ningEffe ctive ly),andbecomfortablewithde e pe r

le ve lsofse lfdisclosure(Handout4:Le ve lsofCommunication). Unde rstandingmalefe male

diffe re nce sincommunicationstylemayalsobehe lpful(Se eHandout5:"MaleFe maleDiffe re nce sin

Communication").

AskthecoupletodialoguetogetheronthetopicscoveredinWorksheetD,"Communication

andUs,"e mployingthecommunicationskillsthe yarele arning.

DistributeHandout6:BibleHintsonCommunication. Usethisforfurthe rstudyduringthe

se ssionorforthecoupletostudytoge the rbe twe e nse ssions.

Session5:

Handling

Conflict


Individuallycomple teWorkshe e tE:"Some time sWeDon'tAgre e ."

Comple tetoge the rWorkshe e tF:"DavidandMichal."



DiscussresponsestoWorksheetE:"Some time sWeDon'tAgre e ." Invitethecoupletoshare

the ir

re sponse s

with

e ach

othe r

and

to

talk

toge the r

about

the

following

que stions

while

you

liste n,

obse rveandcoachthe ircommunicationproce ss:Whatdidyoule arnfromtheBiblestudyofDavidand

Michal(Workshe e tF)? Inwhatwayscouldyouide ntifywiththe ire xpe rie nce ? Howhasange r

e xpre sse ditse lfinyourre lationship? Whatdoyoudoaboutit?

Offerinstructiononangerandconflictresolutionasappropriate. Explorete xtssuchasMark

3:5andEph.4:26tohe lpthecouplevie wange rasane motionthat,whe nrightlyuse d,se rve stoprote ct

andpre se rvehumandignityandre spe ct. Inmarriage ,itprovide sawarningsignalaboutare asthatne e d

atte ntionife motionalclose ne ssistobeachie ve d. Use dde structive ly,ange rle adstoattitude sand

be haviorsthate rodeandde stroyintimacy,butbyge ttingbe hindtheange rtothehurtfe e lingthathas

trigge re dit,thecouplecanle arnsome thingvaluableandimportantaboutthe irre lationship,discove r

e achothe rsne e ds,andgrowclose r.

StudyHandout7:"Ste psinCre ativeProble mSolving"withthecouple ,whichoffe rsaproble m

solving/conflictre solvingse que nce . Buildthecouple 'sskillinproble msolvingbyhavingthe mworkona

conflictissueofthe irownorononeormoreofthosefoundonWorkshe e tG:ConflictSituations.

DiscusstheChristianconceptofforgiveness. Possibleque stionsmightinclude :Whatisyour

unde rstandingofforgive ne ss? Howwouldyouse eforgive ne ssope ratinginamarriage ? Inyourvie w,

wouldforgive ne ssme antheacce ptanceofabuse ? He lpthecoupletoe nvisionforgive ne ssasaGod


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give nproce ssthat,ove rtime ,canfoste rthehe alingofe motionalwounds. Forgive ne ssinclude san

unconditionalaspe ctinwhichthewounde donee xpe rie nce sre le asefromade siretore taliateand

e xte ndsforgive ne ssinthespiritofChrist(Luke23:34;Eph.4:32). Suchforgive ne ssdoe snotme an

re conciliation,butinste adcre ate saclimatethatmayle adtore lationshiphe aling. Forgive ne ssalsohas

aconditionalaspe ctthatre quire sacce ptanceonthepartoftheoffe nde re xpre sse dinre pe ntance(2

Chron.7:14;Luke17:3,4). Onlywhe ntruere pe ntanceise vide ntstoppingtheoffe ndingbe havior,

takingre sponsibilityfortheoffe nse ,re cognizingthehurtthathasbe e ncause d,andmakingsuch

ame ndsasarepossible canthefullne ssofforgive ne ss,whichope nsthedoorforpossible

re conciliationinthere lationship,bee xpe rie nce d.

Session6:Roles,FinancesandInlaws


StudyGalatians3:28;Ephe sians5:2133;Philippians2:4anddiscusshowthegospe lprinciple

ofmutualsubmissionwillbee xpre sse dinyourmarriage .

Work

toge the r

on

Workshe e t

H:

"Role s

Exploration."

Worktoge the ronWorkshe e tI:"House holdBudge t." Thinkinte rmsofthefirstye arof

marriage .

Writeale tte rtoyourre spe ctiveinlawsstatingre asonswhyyouaregladtobejoiningthe ir

family. Askforsugge stionsonhowtomakeagoodadjustme ntinmarriagetothe irson/daughte r.



Discuss

responsibilities

in

marriage.

For

couple

dialogue:

What

did

the

study

of

the

assigne d

passage sme antoyou? Whatne wunde rstandingsdidyouhave ? Whatdidtheproce ssofdoingthe

"Role sExploration"workshe e tdoforyou? Whatdidyoule arnaboutthepatte rnyourmarriagewill

take ? Howdoe syourchoiceof"whodoe swhat"comparewithyourfamilyoforigin?

Discussfinances. Invitethecoupletode scribethe ire xpe rie nceinpre paringthe irbudge tfor

thefirstye ar. Forcoupledialogue :Whatisyourspiritualunde rstandingofste wardshipove ryour

finance s? Whate xpe ctationsdidyoudiscove rthatyouhavefore achothe r? Ifyourpare ntsorpare nts

inlawoffe re dtogiveyouage ne roussumofmone y,howwouldyoure latetothis? Howmuchmone y

fromyourfamilyfinance sshouldyourpartne rbeabletospe ndwithoutyourpe rmission? Howdidyou

arriveatyourfigure ?

Discuss

in

law

relationships.

Some

e ntry

points

for

discussion

and

couple

dialogue

might

be :

Whatwe reyourfe e lingsaboutwritingthele tte rtoyourfutureinlaws? Howdidyoufe e laboutthe ir

re sponse ? Whataresomeofthewishe sofbothfamilie sthatyouinte ndtoincludeinyourwe dding

plans? De scribeyourpare nts'attitudetowardyourmarriage . Dothetwose tsofpare ntslikee ach

othe r? De scribethingsaboutyourfutureinlawsthatyoure allylike . De scribethingsaboutyourfuture

inlawsthatyoudonotlike . Whatdoyouplantodoaboutthecharacte risticsyoudonotlikeinyour

futureinlaws?


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Session7:Sexuality,WeddingPlans


Comple teindividuallyWorkshe e tJ:"Se xuality."



Discusssexuality. Invitethecoupletodialoguetoge the raboutthe iranswe rsonWorkshe e tJ

"Se xuality." Othe rpointsfordiscussionandcoupledialogue : Whe nyouwe regrowingup,withwhom

didyoufe e lcomfortablewhe ntalkingaboutyourque stionsconce rningse x? Whatmadethatpe rson

e asytotalkwith? Howimportantisse xinaChristiancouple 'smarriage ? Whatdiffe re ncewouldbe ing

aChristianmakeinacouple 'sse xualre lationshipinmarriage ? Howwillyoure spondandde alwithitif,

afte ryouaremarrie d,anothe rpe rsonisattracte dtoyouandapproache syou? Whatifyoufindyourse lf

attracte dtoanothe rpe rson? Othe rque stionsmightbe :Whatisyourle ve lofcomfortatthistimein

yourre lationship? Whatifyoule arnthatanothe rpe rsonisattracte dtoyourspouse ? Whatifyoufind

thatyourspouseisattracte dtoanothe rpe rson?

Discusspairbonding. UsingHandout8:PairBonding,discusstheste psintheformationofa

strongandhe althypairbond. The seste psprovideinformationofusetocouple sinunde rstanding

aspe ctsofthe ircurre ntre lationship,instre ngthe ningthe irfuturemarriage ,andinguardingagainstthe

formationofinappropriatebondsoutsidethemarriage .

Discussfamilyplanning. Itisimportantthatopportunitybegive nfordiscussionandque stions

bythecoupleonthetopicoffamilyplanning. Forcoupledialogue :Howmanychildre nwouldbeide al

foryou? Whe nwillyouplanforthefirsttobeborn? Willyouusecontrace ptive s,orhowwillyou

accomplishfamilyplanning? Howdoe syourfiance (e )fe e laboutthe seissue s? Whatareyourattitude s

aboutabortion?

Reviewthecouple'sweddingplanswiththem. We ddingplanningofte nisatimeofstre ssfor

couple s. Duringthisse ssion,oratanadditionalse ssion,the ymaywishtore vie wthe irplanningwith

you. Youcanre assureandcomfortthe masthe yconside rthede tailsofthe irwe ddingday. He lpthe m

anticipatewhatthe irre spe ctivefamilie smaye xpe ctandtoe mpathizewithothe rfamilyme mbe rs. The y

mayne e dhe lpwiththere solutionofdifficultde tails,suchaswho'sinchargeofthewe ddingplansand

re ce ption,placinglimitationsonspe nding,e tc. Invitethecoupletomakealistofwhatthe ywantthe ir

we ddingtore fle ctandwhatwouldbeple asingtobothse tsofre lative s. He lpthe mfocusonthece ntral

purposeofthece re monyace le brationofthe irloveandthepublicaffirmationofthe irpromise sto

e achothe rbe foreGod.

Makeanappointmentforthepostweddingsession. Thisse ssion,de scribe dbe low,should

occur

approximate ly

six

months

afte r

the

we dding.

Session8:PostweddingSession

Helpduringthefirstyear. Priortomarriageandforape riodthe re afte r,couple sareofte nina

stateofblisse motionallyde tache dfromre ality,andnotve ryope ntoinput. Somere se archshows

thatafte rthesixthmonththe ycometose ethe mse lve sinmorere alisticte rmsandarere adyforhe lp


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thatthe ywouldpre viouslyhaveignore d. Thee arlymonthsofmarriageareatimewhe nthepair

de ve lopsthe irinte ractionpatte rns,whichthe nbe comehabitualtothe m. Ifthe sepatte rnsaregrowth

promoting,the ywillmovetowarde motionalclose ne ssandtrueone ne ss. Othe rwise ,there lationship

willte ndtomovetowarddisillusionme ntandalie nation.

Topicstobeaddressed. Are asofconce rnwhichmightbeaddre sse dinclude :1)adjustme nt;

2)communication;3)e nrichme nt. Invitethe mtotalkwithe achothe randtoyouabout:Whatarethe

mostpositivee xpe rie nce syouhavehadduringthefirstmonthsofmarriage ? Whe rehaveyouhadthe

gre ate stdifficulty? Onwhichare asareyouworkingtoge the rwe ll? Onwhichareyouhavingdifficulty?

Havete nsionsorblocksde ve lope dinyourcommunication? Howareyoudoinginconflictre solution?

Encouragethecoupletose tasidere gulartimeforcouplede votionsandformarriage

e nrichme nt,throughre ading,atte ndanceatamarriagee nrichme ntre tre at,orre gularvisitswitha

pastororcounse lor.

Anyare asnotthoroughlycove re dduringthepremarriagese ssions(incomple tediscussions,

re ading,workshe e ts)mayberevisite datthistime . Additionalse ssionsmaybeplanne dasthene e ds

aree xpre sse dbythecouple .

Bibliography

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Brown,J.H.,&Christe nse n,D.N.(1986).Familytherapy:theoryandpractice. Monte re y,CA:

Brooks/ColePublishingCompany.

Joy,D.(1985).Bonding:relationshipsintheimageofGod.Waco,TX:WordBooks.

Kroe ge r,O.,&Thue se n,J.M.(1988).Typetalk.Ne wYork:Double day.

Mace ,

D.

(1978).Marriage

enrichment.

Ne wsle tte r

of

the

Association

of

Couple s

for

Marriage

Enrichme nt.459SouthChurchSt.,WinstonSale m,NC27108.Nove mbe rDe ce mbe r,1978.

Mace ,D.(1981).Marriageenrichment.Ne wsle tte roftheAssociationofCouple sforMarriage

Enrichme nt.459SouthChurchSt.,WinstonSale m,NC27108.JulyAugust,1981.

Mace ,D.(1982).Loveandangerinmarriage.GrandRapids:TheZonde rvanCorporation.

Mace ,D&V.(1985).InthepresenceofGod:ReadingsforChristianmarriage.Philade lphia:The

We stministe rPre ss.

McGoldrick,M.,&Ge rson,R.(1985)Genogramsinfamilyassessment.Ne wYork:W.W.Norton&

Company.

Mille r,S.,Wackman,D.,Nunnally,E.,&Mille r,P.(1992).Connectingwithselfandothers. Little ton,CO:

Inte rpe rsonalCommunicationsPrograms,Inc.

Morris,D.(1971).Intimatebehavior.Ne wYork:RandomHouse .

Mye rs,I.B.,&McCaulle y,M.H.(1985).AguidetothedevelopmentanduseoftheMyersBriggstype


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indicator.PaloAlto,CA:ConsultingPsychologistsPre ss.

Pe nne r,C.,&Pe nne r,J.(1981).Thegiftofsex.Waco,TX:WordPublishing.

Pitt,T.K.(1985).Premaritalcounselinghandbookforministers.Valle yForge :JudsonPre ss.

Powe ll,J.(1969).WhyamIafraidtotellyouwhoIam?Nile s,IL:ArgusCommunications.

Robe rts,W.,&Wright,H.N.(1978).Beforeyousay"Ido".Irvine ,CA:Harve stHousePublishe rs.

Sme de s,L.(1984).Forgiveandforget.SanFrancisco:Harpe r&Row,Publishe rs.

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Stuart,R.B.(1980).Helpingcoupleschange.Ne wYork:TheGuilfordPre ss.

Taylor,

R.

M.,

&

Morrison,

L.

P.

(1984).Taylor

Johnson

temperament

analysis

manual.

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PsychologicalPublications,Inc.

Trathe n,D.(1992).AChristianpremaritalmanual.Little ton,Co:Southwe stCounse lingAssociate s.

Worthington,E.L.(1990).Counselingbeforemarriage.Dallas:WordPublishing.

Wright,H.N.(1985).Soyou'regettingmarried.Ve ntura,CA:Re galBooks.

Wright,H.N.(1992).Thepremaritalcounselinghandbook.Chicago:MoodyPre ss.


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Handout1

ANAFFIRMATIONOFMARRIAGE

Marriageisverygood. Inre sponsetoaque stionaboutmarriage ,Je suspointe dHishe are rs

backtomarriageasordaine datcre ation(Matt.19:3),whe nGodpronounce dallthings"ve rygood"

(Ge n.1:31). Themarriageofthefirsthumanpairportraye dGod'side alforthisre lationship. The ywe re

"onefle sh"andnake dandunashame d(Ge n.2:24,25). Inthe irunionGodprovide dforlove ,affe ction

andcompanionshipaswe llasthepe rpe tuationofthehumanfamily(Ge n.2:18;Prov.5:18;Ge n.1:28).

Marriageishonorable(He b.13:4). Amanwhofindsawife"findswhatisgood"(Prov.18:22NIV).

Marriagehasbeenpervertedbysin,butrestoredbygrace. Thesinofthefirstcouplealte re d

the irre lationship. Inobe die ncetoGod,the irmarrie dlive shadbe e nharmoniousandpe ace ful.

Disobe die ncebroughtconse que nce sthatadve rse lyaffe cte dthe mpe rsonallyandinthe irmarriage

(Ge n.3:616). Powe rstruggle sinmarriage ,blaming,distrust,andabusehavebe e ne xhibite d

e ve rywhe resincethefallofthefirstmarrie dcouple . Thee ntranceofsinchange dthewaycouple s

e xpe rie ncemarriage . These lfishne ssofhumanhe artscause dittobesome thingfarle ssthanGod's

ide al. Butthegoodne wsofthegospe lconce rningmarriageisthatsin'spowe risbroke n. Bythegrace

of

God

the

e xpe rie nce

of

marriage

can

be

ve ry

good.

Marriageisathreefold,lifelongcovenant. Whe namanandwomanmarrythe ye nte rintoa

cove nantwithe achothe r,withsocie ty,andwithGodtobefaithfultooneanothe runtilde ath(Prov.

2:17;Mal.2:14). Asthegospe lise xpe rie nce dinmarriage ,there lationshipofthepartne rswithe ach

othe risfashione dafte rthelike ne ssofthedivinecove nantwithhumanity(Psalms89:34;Lame nt.3:23).

The yaretolove ,se rveandforgiveasHelove s,se rve sandforgive s(John15:12;Matt.20:2628;Eph.

5:2133;Titus2:4,Eph.4:32). Thecoupledrawsstre ngthfromtheprovisionsmadeinthedivine

cove nant,Godpromisinggraceandpowe rtoe nablethe mtodowhatthe ycouldnotdoonthe irown

(Eph.6:10;Phil.4:13). Hiscove nantloveknitstoge the rwhatsinse parate s(Col2:2). Thiscove nant,with

thecrossofChristatitsce nte r,make spossibletheintimateunionofamanandawomaninmarriage .

As

the

cross

is

uplifte d,

spouse s

who

have

be come

alie nate d

may

be

brought

ne ar

to

God

and

to

e ach

othe r. ThebloodofJe susbre aksdownthewallsofhostilitythatthee ne myhasbuiltup(Eph2:13,14).

Marriageisaunionofequals. Fromtheve rybe ginning,maleandfe malewe ree quallyforme d

intheimageofGod,e quallyble sse d,andmadecore ge ntsove rthee arth(Ge n.1:2628). Je suse le vate d

thepartiallyloststatusofwome n,tre atingthe mwithloveandre spe ctandre storingthe iroriginal

cre atione qualitywithme n(Mark10:212;14:39;John4:730;8:111). TheapostlePaulde clare sthat

allhumanbe ings,re gardle ssofrace ,se xorageareonebyvirtueofcre ation(Acts17:26)and

re de mption(Gal.3:28). Heproclaime dthatChristhasbroke nthebarrie rsofpre judice ,re ligious

traditionandcustomsthatcauseonegrouptovie wanothe rasinfe rior(Eph.2:14,16). Pauluphe ldthe

rightsofhusbandsandwive sase qualsinthe irmaritalre lationship(1Cor.7:35). Pe te rspe aksof

marrie dcouple sasbe ing"he irstoge the rofthegraceoflife "(1Pe te r3:7). Whilesomeobvious

capabilitie s

pe rtaining

to

human

re production

be long

unique ly

to

e ach

of

the

se xe s,

the

pote ntial

of

e achspouseisnotothe rwiselimite dorfixe dbyge nde r. Inthe irloving,trustingre lationship,e achis

abletopursueinte re sts,fillrole s,andtakere sponsibilitie saccordingtothe irspiritualgifte dne ss,

aptitude s,tale ntsandabilitie s.

Marriageisadynamicrelationship. Marriageisaunionoftwope oplewhoundoubte dlyshare


11/30

11

somecommonvalue s,butwhowillne ve rthe le ssne e dtoworkatmakingnume rousadjustme nts

throughoutthe irlive stoge the r. Spouse sfre que ntlyareve rydiffe re ntinte mpe rame nt,habitsand

taste s. Educationandbackgrounds,life styleandthestructureofthefamilie sinwhichthe yg r e wupall

haveanimpactonthene wmarriage . Thetwowholinkthe irlive sinmarriagebringtothe irunionthe ir

hope s,the irplans,the irstre ngthsandthe irwe akne sse s. Atthe irwe ddingthe ybe ginaproce ssof

ble ndingthe irdre ams,modifyingthe ire xpe ctationsandde alingwithe achothe r'simpe rfe ctions. Force s

atworkwithinandaroundthe mwillproducechange sinthe mpe rsonally,inthe irmarriageandinthe ir

re lationshipswithothe rs. Inthe irpassagethroughlife ,variousphase swillbee ncounte re d,e achwith

somebuiltin,pre dictablecrise sthatcanandofte nwilloccur. The selifecyclestage sandothe rstre sse s

inlivingwillre quireongoingadaptation.

Thisproce ssofmaturing,copingwithchangeandadjustingtoe achothe rinwaysthatprovide

satisfyingle ve lsofintimacythisgrowingisacontinuouse xpe rie nce . Marriageisthe re forenotstatic,

butdynamic. Somecouple sarebe tte re quippe dthanothe rsinde alingwiththe irdiffe re ntne ss,

handlingchange sandinmakingtheadjustme ntsne ce ssaryforahe althy,life longmarriage . Virtuallyall,

howe ve r,ne e dsomehe lpinanticipatingchange ,pre paringforitandlivingsucce ssfullythroughthe

se asonsofthe irlive sandmarriage s. Enrichme ntprogramswhichassistcouple sinde ve lopingre lational

skills,

support

ne tworks

of

caring

couple s,

and

marriage

counse ling

are

important

re source s

to

e nable

couple stome e tthede mandsofconte mporarymarriageandlifetoge the r.

Marriageisaministry. Eachcoupleisaministryunitwhichcanbehighlye ffe ctiveinre aching

outtostre ngthe nande ncourageothe rcouple sandindividuals. Agre atne e dispre se ntinthelive sof

countle sshusbandsandwive sforguidanceande ncourage me ntinthe irmarriage s. Fe we randfe we r

couple shavemode lsoflasting,committe d,satisfyingChristianmarriage satwhichtolookforapatte rn

forthe irownre lationship. Socie talpre ssure sagainstmarriagearesuchastone ce ssitatethee nlistme nt

ofe ve ryavailableChristiancoupleinoutre achandsupportforothe rmarrie dcouple s. Inthepre se nce

ofsuchcaringcouple s,manyhusbandsandwive swillse eapracticalde monstrationofGod'slove ,find

re assuranceforthe iride ntity,comfortinthemidstofdifficultyandhopetocarrythe mforward.


12/30

12

Handout2

COMMUNICATIONCOMPONENTS

COMMUNICATIONCOMPONENTS

7%Words

38%

Tone of Voice

55%

Nonverbals

Ofthetotalfe e lingconve ye dinaspoke nme ssage ,7%isve rbalfe e ling,38%isvocalfe e ling,and55%is

facialfe e ling. Be causewearemorelike lytoce nsorourwordsthanouractionsine xpre ssingourwords,

itisve rycommontofindinconsiste ncie sbe twe e nthe setwole ve lsofcommunication. Wearemore

like lytousewordstocomme ntontheothe r'sactionsandmorelike lytousenonve rbalme ssage sto

comme ntontheothe rasape rson. Itisthelatte rse tofme ssage sthatappe arstodictateboth

satisfactionwiththee ncounte randattractiontotheothe rpe rson,aswe llastoqualifythewaysin

whichthespoke nwordswillbeunde rstood.

Me hrabian,

A.

(1972).Nonverbal

communication.

Chicago:

Aldine

Athe rton

in

Stuart,

R.

B.

(1980). Helpingcoupleschange. Ne wYork:TheGuilfordPre ss.


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13

Handout3

LISTENINGEFFECTIVELY

Liste ningisale arne dskillanditcanbede ve lope d. Moree ffe ctiveliste ningwillshowourlove ,

careandsupportmorefullyandhe lpourre lationshipsgrow.

Listennonverbally. Donotliste npassive ly;liste nactive ly. Liste nforwords,toneofvoice ,

facialandbodylanguage . Whe nape rsonswordsandbodylanguagese nddiffe re ntme ssage s,be lie ve

thebodylanguage . Re me mbe rthatjustashe rnonve rbalsconve yfe e lingme ssage s,sodoyours. As

youareliste ning,se ndnonve rbalme ssage swithyourbody: Maintaingoode yecontact,give

appropriatefaciale xpre ssion,nodyourhe ad,smileorge sturewithyourhandsoccasionallyas

appropriate ,stayclosephysically,withyourbodypositionle aningslightlytowardthespe ake r,and

touchoccasionally.

Listenverbally. Whe nweliste nactive ly,wealsogivesomeve rbalre sponsetoindicatetothe

othe rpe rsonthathisme ssagehasbe e nhe ardandcorre ctlyunde rstood. Somere sponse saresimple

doorope ne rs,the ye ncouragetheindividualtocontinuespe aking. Suchre sponse sle tthe mknowyou

are

still

with

the m,

still

active ly

liste ning:

Mmmmm,Ise e ,Ye s,Oh? Re ally?The nwhathappe ne d?Wow!Te llmeaboutit.

Allowape rsontoe xpre sshimse lfascomple te lyashewishe swithoutinte rrupting,e xce ptto

summarizeasofte nasisne ce ssaryforyoutoaccurate lyre fle cthisme ssage . Atanappropriatejuncture

youcansay,Le tmese eifIvehe ardwhatyousaid. The ne nde avortobrie flysummarizeboththe

conte ntandfe e ling. YoucanintroduceyoursummarywithIhe aryousaying...,Youse e mtobe

saying...orItsoundslikeyoufe e l.... The nre phrasethepe rsonscomme ntsinyourownwords,

incorporatingthefe e lingwordsheorshehasuse dorsynonymsforthe m. Iftheindividualhasnotuse d

fe e lingwords,the ne nde avortoide ntifythe irfe e lingsande xpre ssthe minwordsinyoursummary. It

soundslikeyoureconfuse daboutwhe the rtotryoutforthete am. Youfe e lgoodaboutyourte st

re sults,

but

you

we re

anxious

during

the

e xam.

So,

your

boss

aske d

Sally

to

take

ove r

the

ope n

positioninste adofyou? Thatmustvere allyhurt! Afte re achsummary,youcansaysome thinglike ,Is

the reanythingmore ?orIminte re ste dinhe aringmore toe ncouragefurthe rsharing.

Liste ningactive lyconve yse mpathy,acce ptance ,andfre e domwithsupport. Althoughothe rs

maysome time scommunicateange r,frustration,disappointme nt,e mbarrassme nt,painandothe r

ne gativee motions,the yne e dtoknowthatthe yareacce pte de ve nfe e lingthewaythe ydo.

Listeningsummary. Ape rsonwhore allyliste ns:

Liste nsforbothfe e lingsandconte nt.

Acce pts

the

one

se nding

the

me ssage ,

e ve n

though

his

words

and/or

fe e lings

may

not

be

ple asant.

Che cksbackwiththespe ake rtode te rminewhe the rtheme ssagehasbe e nre ce ive dcorre ctly.

Re pe atstheproce ssiftheme ssagewasincorre ctlyre ce ive d.

Listeningformula:Liste n...acce pt...che ckback.


14/30

14

Handout4

LEVELSOFCOMMUNICATION

LevelOne:ClichConversation...Thistypeoftalkisve rysafe . Weusephrase ssuchas"howareyou?"

"How'sthedog?" "Whe rehaveyoube e n?" "Ilikeyourdre ss." Inthistypeofconve rsationthe reisno

pe rsonalsharing. Eachpe rsonre mainssafe lybe hindhisde fe nse s.

LevelTwo:ReportingtheFactsaboutOthers...Inthiskindofconve rsationweareconte nttote ll

othe rswhatsome onee lsehassaid,butweoffe rnope rsonalinformationonthe sefacts. Were portthe

factslikethesixo'clockne ws. Wesharegossipandlittlenarrationsbutwedonotcommitourse lve sas

tohowwefe e laboutit.

LevelThree:MyIdeasandJudgments...Re alcommunicationbe ginstounfoldhe re . Thepe rsonis

willingtoste poutofhissolitaryconfine me ntandriskte llingsomeofhiside asandde cisions. Heisstill

cautious. Ifhese nse sthatwhatheissayingisnotbe ingacce pte d,hewillre tre at.

LevelFour:MyFeelingsorEmotions...Atthisle ve lthepe rsonshare showhefe e lsaboutfacts,ide as,

andjudgme nts. Hisfe e lingsunde rne aththe seare asarere ve ale d. Forape rsontore allysharehimse lf

withanothe rindividualhemustmovetothele ve lofsharinghisfe e lings.

LevelFive:CompleteEmotionalandPersonalCommunication...Allde e pre lationshipsmustbebase d

onabsoluteope nne ssandhone sty. Thismaybedifficulttoachie vebe causeitinvolve srisk theriskof

be ingre je cte d. Butitisvitalifre lationshipsaretogrow. The rewillbetime swhe nthistypeof

communicationisnotascomple teasitcouldbe .

Adapte dfromPowe ll,J.(1969). WhyamIafraidtotellyouwhoIam?Nile s,IL:Argus

Communications

and

Robe rts,

W.,

&

Wright,

H.

N.

(1978).Before

you

say

"I

do".

Irvine ,

CA:

Harve st

HousePublishe rs.


15/30


16/30

16

Handout6

BIBLEHINTSONCOMMUNICATION

1. Thesurewaytohaveappropriatewordsistohaveapre pare dhe art. Matthe w12:34

35;Jame s3:1718;Prove rbs25:11.

2. These cre tofcommunicatingisnottalkingbutliste ning. Jame s1:19;Prove rbs18:13.

3.

Acce ntuate

the

positive .

Romans

12:21;

1

The ssalonians

5:16

18.

4. Admitwhe nyou'rewrong. Forgiveandforge t. Jame s5:16;Colossians3:13.

5. Avoidargume ntsove rtrifle s. Don'tcriticizee achothe r,re storeoneanothe r. 2

Timothy2:14;Galatians6:1.

6. Nagginggrate sonthene rve slikeadrippingfauce t. Prove rbs27:15.

7. Acce ptthefe e lingsofothe rsandbete nde randcourte oustooneanothe r. Ephe sians

4:2,32.


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17

Handout7

STEPSINCREATIVEPROBLEMSOLVING

1. De alwithissue s,grie vance sandpote ntialconflictsituationsasthe yoccur. Workonthecurre nt

situationwithoutbringingupthepast.

2. Liste nandshare . Usecommunicationskills. Attacktheproble mortheconflict,notthepartne r.

"Noneofyoushouldthinkonlyofhisownaffairs,bute achshouldle arntose ethingsfromothe r

pe ople 'spointofvie w"(Philippians2:4,Phillips).

3. Thinkoftheproble minte rmsofe achone 'sne e ds. Lookbe ne aththesurfaceforfactorsine ach

pe rson'slifewhicharedrivinghimorhe rtotakethepositionbe ingtake n. Arethe rehe alth,

safe ty,

or

se curity

ne e ds?

Ne e ds

for

love ,

be longing,

acce ptance ,

or

se lf

worth?

4. Trytoaccommodate . Whe nyourpartne re xpre sse sane e d,askyourse lftheque stion,"Isthe re

anywayIcanaccommodatehim/he rtoshowmyre spe ctandmylove ?"

5. Conside ralte rnativesolutions. Whe nne e dsconflictoraccommodationcannotbemade ,mutual

re spe ctmandate sthatasolutionbefoundthatme e tsthene e dsofboth. Exploreallpossible

alte rnative s,lookingate ve rypossibilitythatmightsolvetheproble m.Donotjudgeore valuate

alte rnative satthispoint. Itwillbehe lpfultoactuallywritedownthe sealte rnative s,e ve nthose

thatmayappe arfarfe tche d.

6.

Evaluate

your

possibilitie s,

se le cting

the

"be st"

solution.

Discard

any

that

are

unacce ptable

to

e ithe rofyou. (Ge ne rally,ifthe yareunacce ptable ,oneortheothe r'sinne rne e dsarenotbe ing

satisfie d.) Ge ne ratemorealte rnative sifne ce ssary. Makesurebothfe e lthatthe irne e dshave

be e nme t. Theimportantthingisnotwhichalte rnativeyouchoose ,butthatbothfe e lgood

aboutwhathasbe e nworke dout.

7. Plantore asse ssthesolution. Iftheproble minvolve smorethanaonetimesituation,plana

futuretimethatisacce ptabletoyoubothwhe nthee ffe ctive ne ssofthesolutioncanbe

e valuate d.

8. Atte ndtothene e dsforhe alinginthere lationship. Conflictcre ate sstre ss. Sharingde e p

fe e lingsisofte ndifficultande motionallye xhausting. Praytoge the r. Taketimeforsome

positive ,

re lationship

building

e xpe rie nce

toge the r.


18/30

Handout 8

PAIR BONDING

naked, unashamed.12. One flesh

11. Arousal: Hand to

one flesh . . . 10. Nurturance: Mouth to Br

For this reason 9. Unconditional acceptance: Hand t

a man shall . . . 8. Trust: Hand to Head

7. Self disclosure: Face to Face

6. Shared vision: Arm to Waist

5. Belonging: Arm to Shoulder

cleave . . . 4. Connectedness: Hand to Hand What

3. Communication: Voice to Voice

2. Awakened interest: Eye to Eye

leave . . . 1. Discovery: Eye to Body

Sequence for establishing a life-long, exclusive, one-flesh bond.

Adapted from Joy, D. (1996).Bonding: Relationships in the image of God, 2nded.Nappanee, IN: Evangel Publi

Intimate behavior.New York, NY: Random House.


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19

Workshe e tA

AMIREADYFORMARRIAGE?

Ifyouareconte mplatingmarriage ,thinkcare fullyaboutthefollowingque stions. Canyouanswe re ach

one

Ye s?

Which

answe rs

are

No?

Of

which

are

you

unce rtain?

In

the

space

provide d

place

a

"Y"

if

your

answe r

isYe s,"N"ifyouranswe risNo,and"?"ifyouareunce rtain. Discussyouranswe rswithGodinpraye r. Alsose e k

confirmationofyourmarriageplansfromyourpare nts,yourpastor,are lative ,oranothe rwhomyoutrustasa

spiritualguide .

Evaluatingyourpersonalpreparation. Ismyre lationshipwithJe susChristpe rsonallysatisfying?

DoIhaveapositiveoutlookonlife ? CanIcarryre sponsibility? HaveIchose nmylifecare e r? AmIa

sourceofe ncourage me ntforothe rs? DoIre latetomypare ntsinanadultway? DoIre cove rquicklywhe n

Iame motionallyhurtorangry? AmIre adytomakeacommitme nttoonepe rson? Doothe rsfe e lIam

re ady

for

marriage ?

Selectingapotentiallifepartner. Isthispe rsoncommitte dtoJe susChrist? Ishe /shepe rsonally

pre pare dformarriage ? DoIhaveastrongconvictionthatthispe rsonvalue smuchthesamethingsinlifeasI

do? DoIlovethispe rsonde e plye ve nwithhis/he rflaws? CanIbefle xibleandaccommodatingoftheways

inwhichthispe rsonisandwillbediffe re ntfromme ?

Wouldamarriagebe twe e nushe lpbothofusspiritually? Canthismarriagebeble sse dinourchurch? Do

othe rsfe e lIknowthispe rsonwe lle nough?

Preparingas

acouple.

Have

we

praye d

ofte n

toge the r?

Have

we

share d

our

thoughts

and

fe e lings

aboutGod,church,Christianse rvice ,care e rs,mone y,se xuality,inlaws,childre n? Doweknowandacce pt

e achothe r'sfamily? Haveweplanne dhowtore achourgoalsinlifeandhowtoadjustshouldwefailtore ach

the m? Havewediscusse dourmarriagepatte rn whathis/he rre sponsibilitie swillbe ? Canwetruste ach

othe rwithourde e pe stfe ars? Havewehone stlycompare doure xpe ctationsofe achothe rincludingthe

thingswe 'dliketochangeinoneanothe r? Doe sourlovebondallowfortheindividualityofe achothe r? Do

weknowbye xpe rie ncethatwecansolveproble msandhandleconflictswe lltoge the r? Willwehavethe

supportofre lative sandfrie ndsinourmarriage ? Havewesoughtthewisdomofourpare nts,apastor,a

counse lororsome onee lsewhoknowsuswe lltohe lpusmakeourfinalde cisiontomarry?


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20

Workshe e tB

CELEBRATINGOURDIFFERENCES

1. Somewaysmyfianc (e )andIarealikeare :

2. Somewaysmyfiance (e )andIarediffe re ntare :

3. Wete ndtode alwithourdiffe re nce sby:

4. Someare asinwhichIwouldliketose echange sinmyfiance (e )are :

5. Waysinwhichourdiffe re nce scouldbeconside re daspositivefactorsinourmarriageare :

6. Waysinwhichthepre se nceofJe susChristinourlive swillhe lpusadjusttodiffe re nce sinourfuture

marriageare :


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21

Workshe e tC

COMMUNICATIONCHECKLIST

Answe rthefollowingque stionsforyourse lfandasyouse eyourpartne r. Usethefollowingfourpointscale : 1=

Usually;

2

=

Some time s;

3

=

Se ldom;

and

4

=

Ne ve r.

Yourse lf YourPartne r

____ 1. Doyou/yourpartne rhaveate nde ncytosaythingswhichwouldbebe tte r ____

le ftunsaid?

____ 2. Isithardtounde rstandyour/yourpartne r'sfe e lingsandattitude s? ____

____ 3. Doyou/yourpartne rwithdrawfromtalkingaboutare aswhichmakee ithe r ____

orbothofyouuncomfortableorwhichareasourceofconflictbe twe e nyou?

____ 4. Doyou/yourpartne rpre te ndtoliste nwhe nactuallyyouarenotliste ning? ____

____ 5. Doyou/yourpartne rputtheothe rdown? ____

____ 6. Doyou/yourpartne rsayonethingwhe nyoure allyme ananothe r? ____

____ 7. Doyou/yourpartne rfindmuchofinte re sttotalktotoge the rabout? ____

____ 8. Areyour/yourpartne r'sve rbalandnonve rbalme ssage sinagre e me ntwhe n ____

youcommunicate ?

____ 9. Canyou/yourpartne rdiscloseyourinne rmostthoughtsandfe e lingstothe ____

othe rwithoutfe ar?

____

10.

Do

you/your

partne r

fre que ntly

affirm

the

othe r

ve rbally?

____

Adapte dfromTrathe n,D.W.,Editor.(1992).AChristianpremaritalmanual. Little ton,CO:Southwe st

Counse lingAssociate s.


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22

Workshe e tD

COMMUNICATIONANDUS

1.

Are as

in

our

re lationship

whe re

I

fe e l

communication

is

ve ry

good.

2. Are asinourre lationshipwhe recommunicationisre asonablygood,butwhe rethe re 'sroomfor

improve me nt.

3. Someare asweavoidcommunicatingaboutare :

4. ThingsIcandotoope ncommunicationinthe seare asandimprovecommunicationinourmarriage .


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23

Workshe e tE

SOMETIMESWEDON'TAGREE

Topre sumethatyouwillnotargueafte ryouaremarrie diside alistic;itsimplyisnottrue .Youwill

argue . Manypsychologistswouldsaythatagoodargume ntisofte nhe althybe causeitpromote sdialogue

(couple

talk

with

one

anothe r)

and

good

communication.

Toge tintouchwithyourfe e lingsandthemanne rinwhichyouargue ,answe rthefollowingque stions

andshareyourre sponse swithyourpartne r.

1. Whe nIge tangry,Ite ndto...

2. Whe nyourareangry,youte ndto...

3. Ourlastargume ntwaswhe n...

4.

That

argume nt

was

cause d

by

.

.

.

5. Wesolve dourproble mby...

Lookove rthebe haviorsliste dbe lowthatareofte nuse dtoe xpre ssorre spondtoange rorne gative

fe e lings. Ine achcase ,de cidewhe the ritcharacte rize syou,yourpartne r,bothofyou,orne ithe rofyou. Placea

che ckmarkintheappropriatecolumn.

Me You Both Ne ithe r

Sile nce

Blaming

Ye lling

Pouting

Sarcasm

Avoidance

Appe ase me nt

Crying

Thre ate ning

Physicalviole nce

Adapte dfromTrathe n,D.W.(Ed.)(1992).Fightingfair:AChristianpremaritalmanual.Little ton,CO:

Southwe stCounse lingAssociate s.


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24

Workshe e tF

DAVIDANDMICHAL

Re ad

toge the r

2

Samue l

6:12

23.

Discuss

the

following

with

your

fianc (e ):

1. HowwasDavidfe e lingabouthimse lfashecamehome ?

2. HowwasMichalfe e lingwhe nDavidcamehome ?

3.

Imitate

what

you

think

he r

body

language

and

tone

of

voice

was

like

as

she

spoke

to

David.

4. De scribethefe e lingsine achofthe masthe ye xchange dthe irhe ate dwords.

5. Thinkofmode rndayte rmsore xpre ssionsthatDavidandMichalwouldhaveuse d.

6.

How

do

you

think

the ir

words

made

e ach

othe r

fe e l

inside

the mse lve s.

7. WhydoyouthinkMichalne ve rhadanychildre n?

8. HowcouldMichalandDavidhavehandle dthesituationinale ssde structivemanne r?


25/30

25

Workshe e tG

CONFLICTSITUATIONS

Use

the

following

situations

to

build

your

proble m

solving

skills.

Employ

the

ste ps

in

proble m

solving

in

e achcase .

CaseStudy#1

Sue ,wholike stowe arthelate stfashions,re turnsfromashoppingtripwithse ve ralune xpe cte doutfits. Doug,

re are dinahomewhe ree ve rype nnywaspinche d,knowsthatthe yhavealre adyove rspe ntthe irlimitandte lls

he rshecannotke e pthe m.

CaseStudy#2

Lloyd'smothe rdide ve rythingforhim fromstraighte ninghistietopickinguphisunde rwe arandpajamas.

Jane t,afte ronlyamonthofmarriagehasgrownwe aryofconstantlyre mindinghimtocle anupafte rhimse lf.

Lloyde nte rsthebe droominmidafte rnoonandwantstoknowwhyit'sstillame ss.

CaseStudy#3

Barry'spare nts,wholiveinthesametownasBarryandDonna,havete le phone dtosaythe y'redroppingbyfora

short

visit.

Donna,

re minding

Barry

that

the y've

visite d

in

this

manne r

for

thre e

we e ks

in

a

row

and

have

staye d

thewholee ve ning,complainsofinvasionofprivacy. Barryre fuse stodoanythingaboutit.


26/30

26WorksheetH

ROLESEXPLORATION

Inyourmarriage,whowilldothefollowingthings?

ChecktheappropriatespaceunderHusband,Wife,BothorOther. Endeavortoberealistic. Toomany"Boths"willbe

suspect! HUSBAND WIFE BOTH OTHER

1. Earnincome ___

2. Planthefamilybudget ___

3. Supervisehusband'sspending ___

4. Supervisethewife'sspending ___

5. Supervisechild(ren)'sspending ___

6. Paythebills ___

7. Makemajorpurchasingdecisions ___

8. Makedecisionsrehisvocation ___

9. Makedecisionsrehervocation ___

10. Makedecisionsrehiseducation ___

11.

Made

decisions

re

her

education

___

12. Decidecommunityforhome ___

13. Choosetheactualdwelling ___

14. Choosedecorandfurnishings ___

15. Planthemenu ___

16. Dothegroceryshopping ___

17. Putawaygroceries ___

18. Decidewhentoeatout ___

19. Dothebaking ___

20. Preparethemeals ___

21. Setthetable ___

22. Washthedishes ___

23.

Vacuum

or

sweep

___

24. Takeoutthetrash ___

25. Cleantherefrigerator ___

26. Cleantheoven ___

27. Cleanthebathroom(s) ___

28. Washthewindows ___

29. Changethebeds ___

30. Makethebeds ___

31. Choosehiswardrobe ___

32. Choosethewife'swardrobe ___

33. Choosechild(ren)'swardrobe ___

34. Washtheclothes ___

35.

Iron

the

clothes

___

36. Putawaythecleanclothes ___

37. Careforminorhouseholdrepairs ___

38. Arrangeformajorrepairs ___

39. Cutthegrass ___

40. Trimshrubbery ___

41. Plantflowersand/orvegetables ___

42. Keepwalkwayclean ___

43. Weedflowersand/orvegetables ___


27/30

2744. Rakeleaves ___

45. Decidethekindofvehicletobuy ___

46. Selecttheactualvehicle ___

47. Careforthevehicle'sexterior ___

48. Careforthevehicle'sinterior ___

49. Careforautoservicing ___

50.

Decide

the

kind(s)

of

pet(s)

___51. Feedthepet(s) ___

52. Keepthepets(s)clean ___

53. Decidethekindofentertainment ___

54. DecidewhichTVprogramtosee ___

55. Decideonrecreation ___

56. Choosefriends ___

57. Keepsocialcalendar ___

58. Decidethechurchyouattend ___

59. Decidehowoftenyouattend ___

60. Leadinfamilyworship ___

61. Decidechurch&charitygifts ___

62.

Plan

holiday

activities

___

63. Planthevacation ___

64. Decidevacationexpenses ___

65. Decidegiftexpenses ___

66. Decidewhentovisitinlaws ___

67. Decidewhentoinviteinlaws ___

68. Initiatesexualintimacy ___

69. Decideaboutcontraceptives ___

70. Decideifyouwillhavechildren ___

71. Decidethenumberofchildren ___

72. Namethechild(ren) ___

73. Changediapers ___

74.

Wash

diapers

___

75. Feedthechild(ren) ___

76. Bathethechild(ren) ___

77. Playwiththechild(ren) ___

78. Putchild(ren)tobed ___

79. Careforchild(ren)'stoys ___

80. Getupatnightwithchild(ren) ___

81. Nursechild(ren)whensick ___

82. Disciplinechild(ren) ___

83. Helpchild(ren)withhomework ___

84. Transportchild(ren)toschool ___

85. Transportchild(ren)fromschool ___

86.

Transport

them

to

activities

___

87. Instructchild(ren)spiritually ___

88. Teachchild(ren)aboutsex ___

89. Selectbabysitter ___

90. Makedecisiontoadoptchild(ren) ___

91. Decidewhichchild(ren)toadopt ___


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28

WorksheetI

HOUSEHOLDBUDGET

Monthly Yearly

Tithe _____

Offerings _____

CharitableContributions _____

Rent/MortgagePayment _____

Utilities _____

Electricity

________Gas ________

TrashPickup ________

Water ________

Telephone ________

Food _____

Loans _____

CarPayment ________

SchoolLoan ________

InstallmentPurchases ________

Other

________

Insurance _____

Medical ________

Life ________

Auto ________

Other ________

ClothingPurchases _____

Laundry/DryCleaning _____

Medical&DentalFund _____

Savings _____

ProfessionalDues

&Journals,Etc. _____

CarExpenses _____


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29

MarriageEnrichment _____

HouseholdSupplies _____

PersonalAllowances _____

Recreation,Entertainment

&Vacations _____

Miscellaneous _____

Haircuts ________

Newspapers/Magazines ________

GiftsChristmas,

Birthdays,etc. ________

Other ________

TotalExpenses

_____

TotalIncome _____

Balance(+or) _____


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30

Workshe e tJ

SEXUALITY

1. Se xuale xpre ssionbe twe e nmeandmyspousewillbesacre dbe cause...

2. Howwouldyoude scribethediffe re nce sandsimilaritie sbe twe e nse xandlove ?

3.

As

I

think

about

my

se xuality,

I

fe e l

good

about

.

.

.

4. AsIthinkaboutmyse xuality,Iworrythat...

5. Inourmarriage ,Ibe lie veIwille njoyourse xuale xpe rie nceaswe... (Ide ntifysomeappropriatese xual

be haviorswithinyourmaritalre lationship.)

6.

Ide ntify

ways

you

as

a

husband

and

wife

may

te ach

your

childre n

about

se x.

a program for premarital guidance internet version 2 july 2008

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