a plan for family success in ministry

Running the Race with Endurance: A Plan for Marital Ministry Success

Submitted in partial fulfillment for SEMI 500

The purpose of this paper is to examine the stresses and demands that are faced by

ministers and their spouses during seminary and ministry. Also, solutions to marital stresses will

be suggested throughout the paper.

Part 1: Family Integration Reflection

In Matthew 19:5 Jesus quotes the book of Genesis by saying For this cause shall a man

leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife. (KJV). The greek word rendered cleave is

from the root word that means glue. Glue is applied to something for the purpose of enduring

stresses that may pull two things apart. God, in his sovereignty, knew that all married couples

would endure stress. This is especially true for married couples entering the ministry, and the

ones who are together for seminary training.

Positive and Negative Effects

Studies for ministry are not only academically rigorous but spiritually rigorous as well.

Carla Dahl et. al. found that spouses in the field Marriage and Family Therapy training reported

mostly negative impact of time and financial stressors, both negative and positive impact of role

changes and adjustments, and mostly positive impact on marital communication.1 Normally, no

one enters seminary because of the effects that it will have on their marriage. However, these

effects can not be overlooked. But the question is, with the negative effects that seminary may

Jesse Watkins - Ministry Integration Project

1

1 Carla M. Dahl, Mary L. Jensen, and Jane L. McCampbell, A Butterfly Effect: The Impact of Marriage and Family Therapy Training on Students Spouses, Journal of Psychology and Theology 38, no.1 (2010)

have, do the positive effects outweigh them? Before we discuss the positive effects, let us first

look at the negative ones.

Loneliness

In her 2007 Ph.D dissertation, Jama Davis interviewed multiple spouses of those in

ministry. What she found was that a majority of those experienced a high degree of loneliness.

The correlation to those in ministry and those in seminary can be related because of the aspects

of the student/pastor who must devote significant amounts of energy, time, financial resources

and relational abilities into the areas of seminary or ministry. One of the respondents named

Katie talked about this loneliness that was only increased because of the isolation in ministry.

Jama Davis reports about Katie that, The loneliness increased as she had no one to share the

hurt with, share the worries, the difficulties. This indescribable void created by loneliness was

ever present as she recognized she and her spouse had each other but not really anybody else

with whom they could openly share their pain.2 Loneliness is not unique only to those in

ministry. However, because of stress that loneliness can be enhanced. One of the ways in which

ministry families can help prevent this loneliness is by scheduling regular times of fellowship

and relaxation with other people in ministry. For example, only a brain surgeon can understand

what type of stress and focus it takes to perform brain surgery. Therefore, a brain surgeon and

his family can relate with other brain surgeons on the most practical manner because each other

knows the environment in which they live.

Sometimes though ministerial families which are moving to new locations or new schools

do not have that advantage, and it is hard for them to really find an open fellowship within the


2

2 Jama Davis, Alone in a Crowd: A Phenomenological Inquiry into Loneliness as Experienced by Pastors Wives (PhD Dissertation., Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, 2007) 58, accessed March 7, 201 http://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi article=1067&context =doctoral

local church body of which they are pastoring. In Davis study, a Pastors wife named Margo

found that she had a hard time knowing who to trust and who to connect with, especially at a

really large church. This appeared to be contradictory to Margo for her to be in a large church

and feeling an intense void of loneliness.3 Seeing that it is hard for ministerial families to let

their guard down around other church members, this increases the need for them to maintain

relationship with mentors, families, and friends outside of the church. There must be a

difference between those whom you minister to, and those whom you minister with. Finding

fellowship among other Pastoral families could greatly decrease the amount of perceived

loneliness among spouses who seem to always be keeping their guard up.

Caring for Pastors Wives

The author personally finds that there is not a shortage of encouragement to being a

Pastor. The body of Christ is truly a loving body, and even within the midst of tribulation a

Pastor can normally find those who are encouraging him to keep preaching the Word, because he

is normally the one who is in the spotlight. On the other hand, his wife who is not normally in

the spotlight, does not often have that same type of encouragement to keep her going with the

same stamina. The old saying stands, that behind every good man is a good woman (and perhaps

also a surprised mother in law). So it could be said that the student is going to be no better than

the spouse. With this in mind, the nature of the relationship of the spouse during ministry and

schooling can greatly affect the performance of the student or minister.

The focus of the student during seminary is greatly focused upon his/her studies and

performance. A majority of the time this puts a great strain on the marriage relationship. As


3

3 Jama Davis, Alone in a Crowd: A Phenomenological Inquiry into Loneliness as Experienced by Pastors Wives (PhD Dissertation., Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, 2007): 80, accessed March 7, 2014 http://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi article=1067&context =doctoral

Mark McMinn found among Pastors wives, Wives whose husbands are in training sometimes

feel left out, no longer needed, left behind academically and spiritually as if two major

institutions are vying for the husbands time: the family and the church.4 The author finds that

this is a common tension among ministry spouses - the competition between the church and

family. Sometimes the glue that Jesus talks about seems like it is between the minister and the

church, instead of between the minister and the spouse. How can a minister or a student change

this perception among their spouse? Fortunately, McKinn goes on to give a few answers about

increasing the strength of that glue.

McKinn asked ministers how they maintained their health. This health included spiritual

performance, longevity in ministry, professional performance, and also the cohesion of the

family. The most frequent responses for maintaining health in ministry were, time off, exercise,

and prayer, in that order.5 There seems to be a correlation in ministry performance by how

much time one spends away from ministry. The more time one spends engaging his body, his

spirit, and his family, the more effective he becomes when it pertains to the effectiveness in

ministry. This mentality is backwards when compared to the over-achieving driven mentality of

ministry today. The persuasion to do more, work more, and maintain a life of busy-ness becomes

increasingly detrimental for the relationship of the minister in a personal manner and a family

manner. But, by prioritizing on physical health, spiritual health, and family health, the minister

not only helps himself in the long-run, but he helps his spouse as well.

The Influence of Study


4

4 Mark McMinn, Allen Lish, Pamela Trice, Et. Al., Care for Pastors: Learning from Clergy and Their Spouses, Pastoral Psychology 53, no. 6, (2005): 566.

5 Mark McMinn, Allen Lish, Pamela Trice, Et. Al., Care for Pastors: Learning from Clergy and Their Spouses, Pastoral Psychology 53, no. 6, (2005): 573.

Whether in the school or in the church, a servant of ministry will have many hours per

week devoted to ministry and theology. This is a never-ending task that does not limit itself to

the boundaries of academic learning. These stresses of study can be positive and negative.

Mikala Legako found among the participants in her study that, A majority of spouses reported a

detrimental effect in their marriage due to the accumulated stress of graduate study. Many

participants linked the detriment to the long hours required for study which pulled the student-

spouse outside the marital relationship.6 No one enters graduate education believing they will

not have long hours of study. However, many couples are not prepared for the effects that a lack

of relational time will have on their marriage. Most of these students are also working full time

jobs, if not their spouse also. One option is that just as a student plans focused study sessions,

the couple can also plan focused relationship sessions. Even if the start is just once a week,

focused time together can fill the void created during long weeks of study.

In conclusion, couples should not think that seminary will only detrimentally affect their

marriage. As one interviewee reported to Bejamin Forrest, Robert is my husband. He is my

spiritual leader. So anything that has an influence on him is gonna have an influence on me.7

The positive influence during seminary should spill over in positive ways towards the spouse.

This glue should not only last during the academic period, but for the lifetime of ministry. By

prioritizing planned family times, exercise times, and time spent away from study and ministry,

the family will that husband and wife can run the race with endurance.


5

6 Mikala Legako and Randall Sorenson, Christian Psychology Graduate Schools Impact on Marriage: Nonstudent Spouses Speak., Journal of Psychology and Theology 28, no.3 (2000): 216.

7 Benjamin Forrest, Exploring the Spiritually Formative Experiences of Seminary Spouses: A Phenomenological Inquiry. (Ed.D diss., Liberty Baptist Theological Seminary, 2013), 88, accessed March 7, 2014 http://digitalcommons.liberty.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1762&context=doctoral

Spousal Interview

Tyler Watkins has been married to Jesse Watkins for 8 years. They have served together through

three different churches. She currently works in the following ways: Working from home to care

for 2 children, working Sunday Nights and Monday Nights as a Phone-Call Triage Nurse, and

working one weekend a month in the Air National Guard as a Medical Officer.

A. Seminary Experience

a. What are your thoughts about my call of ministry in relation to Seminary? I feel

like seminary will benefit you as far as opening your eyes to new perspectives and new

ways of thinking. These things I believe will help make you a better Pastor, Leader, and

Visionary.

b. What discussions have there been in regards to seminary? We both came to the

conclusion that seminary would be beneficial in the long run because it exposes you to a

wider range of philosophies about ministry, and the more I am challenged as an

individual, I will also be challenged as a leader.

B. Personal Strengths

A. What are my Strengths You are a visionary, a goal setter. You have very good inter-

relational skills. There is a very contagious personality about you that engages people to

get involved. You are very confident about the direction in which you lead the church.

B. How can I sharpen my strengths? Encourage those around you to set goals, share your

vision in a manner that people will be able to understand it easily, and be a better

relationship builder by spending more time listening.


6

C. How do you think these strengths will help me as a Student? You will be confident to

know that you can do it, and that you have the abilities and resources to accomplish the

demands of seminary.

C. Personal Weakness

A. What are my Weaknesses? You are not always open to ideas unless they come from a

source that you really respect. You are a little bit close minded, with tunnel vision , and

you dont always listen to other peoples perspectives. By listening to the input of others

better, you will sharpen your ability to be a leader of people.

B. How can I limit my Weaknesses? By being more open minded, and delegating tasks so

everything is not forced upon you.

C. What area is weakest in regards to Personal Spiritual Formation? My relationship

with others is weakest because sometimes I need to be better with controlling my

emotions around other people when I am stressed.

D. How might these weaknesses prove detrimental to seminary? If the emotional

turbulence of the day is not controlled, then it could very easily affect seminary studies in

a negative way.

D. Opportunities Stemming from Seminary

A. What area do you think is your weakest aspect of Spiritual Formation? My

knowledge of the Bible is the greatest area in which I need strength.

B. How can I assist you in the maturation of this weakness? We need a regular time of

the day when we can talk about spiritual things and the things that you are learning in

seminary.


7

C. What can I do to include you on this Seminary Journey? - By maintaining open

communication about the nature of the classes in which you are taking. Also, you can

include me during your study sessions that I can help be the one that is sharpening you.

E. Threats stemming from Seminary

A. What do you think will be the biggest challenge that we will face because of

seminary? Time will be of crucial importance because for 1) - we have two small

children who require a lot of care, 2) your time is already constrained because of the

demands of ministry, 3) It takes away from the freedom of family time since most of your

off days are now focused towards studies.

B. How would you recommend that I address these threats? Time management will be

more important now than it has ever been before. By properly managing your priorities,

it will help shift the burden to the schedule and your family will know when they can

have focused time with you.

Personal Strengths

Personal Weaknesses

Opportunities Stemming from Seminary

Threats Stemming From Seminary


8

Proposed Seminary/Ministry Schedule Week 1 - Week 2


9

Spiritual Formation Reflection

It seems like every other week I am hearing about a family in ministry who is getting a

divorce and leaving the ministry. I do not believe this has to be the norm, and I think that the

way you start the race is the way you finish the race. If you start well, you can end well. After

discussing the current trends with my wife, and observing the reported finds from the previous

readings, I have proposed for myself a five part plan of personal protection. This plan is as

follows:

1. De-clutter Daily - Each day, I plan to declutter my spirit by spending focused time in the

word of God apart from my studies from school and church. I intend to declutter by body by

focusing on exercise and proper nutrition. Lastly, I intend to declutter my mind be engaging

in stimulating activities like writing music, reading, or simply taking a walk outside.

2. Withdraw Weekly - Our family will have a protected day each week in which no ministry

event occurs. This day of protected family time will be on Saturday, and if there happens to

be a ministry event on Saturday, then we will move this day to Friday. This will be a free day

of spending time with the kids and with each other as husband and wife.

3. Recreate Regularly - Times of recreation shall be engaged in with activities like tennis,

hiking, biking, or sight seeing. We will try to take 1 family day a month and go somewhere

together.

4. Mentor Monthly - In order to limit the amount of loneliness that is felt, we will spend time

with another couple in ministry once a month. This could be in the form of a date night, an

informal visit at a house, or meeting somewhere for coffee.

5. Vacate Annually - Lastly, we will ensure that at least two times a year, we can withdraw to a

place of solitude with the family, without expectation of being available for ministry

purposes. During this time, other staff and deacons will be available to answer needs as they

arise.


10

a plan for family success in ministry

Documents