A MOTHER'S

CHOICE

CARLA LUZMILA 2010

She opened her eyes. Sometimes she forgotto breath; thus, she needed to remind hersystem that oxygen was necessary tosurvive. In fact, her breathing had beenheavy and a subtle raspy sound was heardwhenever she drew in and released thatvital invisible substance. Occasionally, herheart palpitated at an uneven rhythm. Thisoccurrence frightened her because she feltas if she were about to die; as if any comingsecond her heart would exhaust itself frombeating one hundred miles per hour andtake on the reverse effect. Would she feelpain if her pump were to suddenly seizefunctioning? She did not know.Nevertheless, the thought was never farfrom her somewhat troubled mind.On the other hand, her curvy hourglassbody had been the paragon of good healtheven though now she looked to the distantobserver as a languid and limp string ofsoggy burnt spaghetti.

Likewise, the light that once radiated fromthose dark, almond-shaped, black eyeswas now gone. Her memory bank, too, hadtaken hostage her smile and there was anabundance of prerequisites needed to takeit out, even on a small loan. So, she did notbother to do anything about it, andconsequently she let the thin edges of herfull lips droop. “Speak Miranda! … Tell me what iswrong! … What happened?” inquired theworld. Needless to say, Miranda would nospeak, she was angry at the world and shewas terrified of the consequences she wasabout to embrace. Accordingly, shamebathed her countenance and anguishchocked her thoughts when she openedher eyes and saw the little positive pinksign on the long white plastic stick. Thiswas the moment that shook her entireworld upside down and a veil of tearsblurred her vision.

A deep indentation on her life history wasnow visible. It made it seem as if theMiranda who had lived for two hundredseventy six months so far on this earthseized to exist and now there was a void onthe plain that inevitably would betransformed into her future. “Miss, are you alright?” asked the clerkat the drug store who had noticed she hadnot come out of the restroom in over halfand hour. “Miss?”“I am fine!” she exclaimed releasingher anger on the pathetic young boy. Hesaid nothing else and returned to attend acustomer at the counter. Immediately after she heard him leave, sherose from her crouched position andremembered to breath as she looked at theimage of a tainted soul on the rusty oldlooking glass. After Miranda left the store she walkedhome;

deciding on the way that she needed totell her parents. Firstly, due to the factthat she had no job, she was a student andalthough a full twenty three year oldadult by society’s standards, she was stilldependent on her parents. Secondly,there was absolutely no other alternativefor her with regards to the life growinginside of her. Thus, the decision was madeand she knew that their reaction would bemostly unfavorable. Miranda Lawrence’s parents wereconsiderably young, however theirviewpoints and ideals were extremelytraditional; down to the point of “waiting”until marriage and wearing the pure whitewedding dress. Their ancestors hadalways been figures of respectability andcourage, especially the women of herfamily. Rumor had it, in the family circle,that a great aunt from New York Statehad been a freed slave and a participant ,

of the Underground Railroad, though thesignificance of this supposed factdwindled with each coming generation, somuch that to Miranda and her brother agrain of rice had more meaning than thestories their uncles and grandparentstold. One instance came to Miranda’s mind,as she walked and thought about herfamily, which had occurred a monthbefore her tragedy befell her.“I am an adult mother! How am I supposedto function as the women of my age if youdo not let me even go out with my friends!I can take care of myself just fine.” Shehad shouted, defying her mother andembarrassing her in front of their familymembers at a relative’s gathering.. Her mother, an imposing woman whohad always held her head up high and waswise beyond her years, did not scold herdaughter nor did she raise her voice that

time; she only told her that theirdiscussion would be postponed until theywere left alone.Miranda remembered this bittersweetinstance now with piercing pain as thewords “I can take care of myself” echoedand bounced around every corner of hermind. Suddenly, she realized that hermother without having said a word thatmoment had reassured her, with thosepenetrating eyes, that Miranda waswrong. Before that fateful day Miranda was notaware of the fact that she was a naïve girl.No! Due to her quite gifted mind andpraising comments from friends, familyand professors, the “self” she had createdtold her that she was far more intelligentthat the rest. . In fact, her “self” tricked her intothinking that she could outwit even theslyest person any time, in any situation.

Indeed, she thought highly of herself andher judgment, and diminished the opinionsof the rest as merely incompetent.However, she never showed in public herbelieves; on the contrary, she was actuallyadmired and liked by mostly every personshe encountered because she was friendly,approachable and never stopped herselffrom smiling.As she reached the steps of her house, shehesitated. Furthermore, she recalled thather younger brother Anthony, her shieldand accomplice, had left to go to anexpensive college out of state on anacademic scholarship; so, she had to facethe authority figures alone.In her mind she saw the beginning of thethird world war taking place at her house:she saw her father shouting out theimplications of pregnancy with hissophisticated medical terms; while her mother would lose control and

slap her for her stupidity. Even so, withthis in mind she did not retract any of hersteps and continued forward. As expected, they were both home. Hermother was in the kitchen preparing themeal as her father rested on the chair ofhis study. Miranda knew that she wouldbreak their hearts and completely shattertheir high opinion of her; she knew thingswould change but she also knew that theysuspected that something was wrong,especially her mother. Ever since shearrived from that party, Miranda had notbeen the same and she was cognizant oftheir doubts.“Mom?” she asked as she saw the shape ofher mother’s back leaning over the kitchensink. Her curly black hair had been pickedup in a bun and her antiquated dressdropped down to the floor.“Miranda, where were you? This is strangebehavior from you on a Thursday evening,

are there no classes to attend tomorrow atyour college?” This was a rhetoricalquestion of course; she knew her daughterhad classes the next day. Thus she added,“Is there something you need to tell me,girl?” “Could I speak with you and Daddytogether?”Her mother turned drastically to look atMiranda and even though her daughter’sskin was as dark as night itself she lookedas if all the color had been flushed out ofher face. Mrs. Lawrence walked past herdaughter and went to retrieve her husband.Mr. Lawrence somewhat oblivious as towhat all of this pertained was obfuscatedby the alarming sound of wife’s words whenshe said, “Miranda needs to speak to us.”She sat across her parents who lightlysensed what she was about to tell them andwhen she spoke the words “I am pregnant”their doubts turned into hard stone facts.

They were shocked and their silenceslowly crawled around the periphery oftheir table and filled in every empty spacein that kitchen. This was not the ragingattack she saw coming; instead, this wasthe most stinging moment of her entirelife. Disappointment oozed out of bothbodies and in a winding movement it tookshape and form; it reached Miranda andtapping her shoulder, it scolded her forhurting the persons who lad loved her themost.“How cliché!” her father ultimately utter, “but you have never had a boyfriendMiranda!”“It is that boy John, her friend whom shehas not stop talking about for months.Nick, is it Miranda? Is he at least yourboyfriend?” her mother exclaimed. She whispered, “No.”“How could you give yourself away just like that? Are you in love with him?”

“Have you asked him if he at least feelsthe same way about you?” “Does he knowyou are pregnant?” The questions poured on her like themissiles she had expected before enteringher house, although these were distributedon an orderly fashion and rightly so shedelivered the answers: Yes, I am in lovewith him. No, I do not know how he feelsabout me. Yes, he knows. “This is my fault - I should have never letyou go to that party,” repeated her fatheras he sunk into the despairs of his guilt. As opposed to John Lawrence, his wife wasfuriously asking more questions, “Whereis he? Is he going to take responsibility?”“No,” she muttered again, “ I told him andhe never spoke to me again, I do not knowwhere he is.”They could not understand why she wouldbehave so irrationally without logic andwithout thinking of the consequences first

before acting. Love? Could that be theanswer to this foolishness? The thoughtskept filling up the space in their minds andthey could not comprehend quite well howshe, out of all the girls in the population,could be the one to get in trouble just for afew seconds of pleasure. In fact, they did not know that Mirandaheld some cards beneath her sleeve. Shehid some facts away from them becausethey would create further complications toan already difficult situation. Nonetheless,one of those cards had to be drawn out.The baby developing in her womb wouldprovide proof for that unknown fact. As aresult, she decided to tell them as well thatNick, her friend and father of the baby, iswhite.Needless to say, unlike the Disney versionof social adequacy in “today’s world,” thisindividual family had indeed survivingracial biases.

With this in mind, the situation becameone of prejudice and abuse. This whiteman had taken advantage of their poorblack daughter; the same way history hadshown them the cliché plantation ownerexercising his authority over his property:the slave girl. Whatever happened was in the past. Theyreconsidered their perception of theevents and brought out their full supportto their daughter and assured her thatthey were going to take care of her. Bothguaranteed Miranda that they were notgoing to leave her alone, since she hadbeen brave enough to trust them. Inactuality, their goodness broke her heartand she felt a big piece of her escaped soulreturn back to her body.Days meandered by with their torrentialautumn winds, their heavy rainfalls, theirsunny days and their chilly evenings.

Accordingly, the family had been workingon a plan to adjust to their new reality andit seemed as if it were working out toperfection; although, Miranda haddrastically changed her personality andwas now one empty skinny blob of a person.Her mind was lost in another time; shewould not react immediately whensomeone would speak to her. There wassomething hidden in the back of her mindthat she would not let out.Moreover, those cold and naked daysmechanically turned into weeks and theroutine was once again created. Eachmember of the family continued on with amodified version of the life he/she had leadbefore; particularly her father, who wantedto submerge himself in work so as to notthink of his daughter’s disgrace. However aday came, around three weeks afterMiranda sprung the news to her parents,when Mrs. Lawrence took notice of more

odd behavior on her daughter’s part.Nevertheless, this time she did not wait forher to come forward with the news. Sheinstinctively felt that on this instanceMiranda would keep to herself and knewthat the reason behind her frightfulpremonition would not be a delight toreceive.Subsequently, the next day after shenoticed this change she acted upon herinstinct and stormed inside her daughter’sroom. The woman did not care about herprivacy and began rummaging throughMiranda’s things in her presence.Miranda then knew she could not hide herguilt any longer. The unspoken connectionwith her mother rendered any type ofconversation useless. Therefore, shedecided to surrender and handed hermother a printed e-mail letter from one ofMiranda’s college friends. As soon as thisletter reached her mother’s hand she ran

away, leaving the fifty-year-old womanalone with the piece of paper. Miranda was utterly ashamed of whatthat lettered implied. She knew it was trueand she could not hide her culpability norcould she look at her mother in the eye.That was her reason for her escape. Shecould just imagine her mother’s face whenreading its content. It was enough tocause someone to experience heartfailure. However, she knew that if sheelongated the lapse of time beforereturning, her mother would findcomposure and she would be able toexplain the reasons behind her acts.“Mother would understand,” she thought.When the afternoon sky began to lash outhints of purple, orange and golden yellow,Miranda figured it was enough of a timeinterval for her mother to calm down, soshe dared to go home. Upon arriving, she accelerated directly

toward her room only to find the letterlying on her bed without signs of hermother anywhere. Her racing heartslowed down as she slowly approachedthe paper and read its contents onceagain.Miranda, Nick is still missing. God! Why will younot talk to me? You were the last personto be seen with him. Where did you two goafter the party? Did he tell you anythingabout where he was headed… that is if heleft at all?I do not want to think badly of youMiranda but his parents are seriouslythinking there is foul play in hisdisappearance. Please tell me you hadnothing to do with it. Please tell me thatyou were only hurt when he pushed youaside and said it would not be a bad ideato see him dead. You would not doanything that psychotic would you?

Carolyn. The pain her chest felt was unbearable.Yet, it was placed aside as she feltsomebody move behind her. As she slowlyturned she saw it was her mother sheddinggrief from her entire being as she coveredher mouth with her hands clasped togetheras if praying for it not to be true. Mirandathrew herself on her mother’s embraceunable to say that letter was a lie.“Is that boy dead Miranda? …Did you…”Mrs. Lawrence could not gather enoughcourage to finish the dreadful question.Yet, she did not need to finish it becauseher daughter readily agreed.“Please let me explain mother!” she criedas her mother disconnected herself fromher daughter’s arms and left the roomswallowing her sorrow. Miranda sank inthe vast waters of an abyss thatdismembered her gradually; ignorant ofwhat was to come.

Within minutes of her mother’s exit fromthe room, she entered with two men inuniform behind her. Miranda wasspeechless; her own mother had reportedher to the authorities while she was awaywithout giving her a chance to explain.They took the tormented young woman asa common criminal and as they two officersintroduced her inside the car, Mrs.Lawrence asked for a moment to saygoodbye and told her daughter, “Miranda, Ilove you, you are my daughter, but whatyou did was morally wrong and I will nothave you taint our family’s name andhonor.”Miranda shut her eyes when she heard thisbarbarity; she inhaled deeply and gazed ather mother as she muttered in betweensobs, “Mother it was self-defense…Nick took advantage of me… I was angry soI pushed him and his head hit the corner ofa glass coffee table that was

in the room. I was too afraid and tooashamed to let you know what I did andeven more so I was petrified, after I foundout I was pregnant, to let you know howthings really came to be!”Consequently, the police officers took heraway. Miranda’s mother, paralyzed bywhat her daughter had just told her, fell onher knees gasping for air. Her heartpounded heavily on her conscience and herclipped vocal chords ultimately screamed alast single word: Miranda!

THE END