A Life Spenton the

Trampoline of Amnesia

A Collection of Poems from 2013

Richard P. Gabriel

i

2013

Contents

First Th oughts ............................................................................................................................................................1In Th e Arms .............................................................................................................................................................. 2On Snow Tracks ....................................................................................................................................................... 3How About ............................................................................................................................................................... 4Just .............................................................................................................................................................................. 5Stanley and Steve ...................................................................................................................................................... 6Passion Gets What It Deserves ...............................................................................................................................7On Trip ...................................................................................................................................................................... 8Not Poetry ................................................................................................................................................................. 9Last Night Of Cold ................................................................................................................................................ 10Travel Fun .................................................................................................................................................................11Tribute or Not ......................................................................................................................................................... 12Th e Diff erence ......................................................................................................................................................... 13Frost’s Forks ............................................................................................................................................................ 14Dream Wish............................................................................................................................................................ 15Meet Once ............................................................................................................................................................... 16Are You Serious or Fired? .......................................................................................................................................17Cool as Evening Music ........................................................................................................................................... 18No Meaning Just Noise ......................................................................................................................................... 19Such A Long Road Ago .........................................................................................................................................20Story To Be Told .....................................................................................................................................................21By Th e Th eater........................................................................................................................................................ 22Th e Romance Of Homelessness............................................................................................................................ 23How Far Off I Sat And Wondered ...................................................................................................................... 24Shriram Says It All ................................................................................................................................................. 25Where’s My Car Now? ........................................................................................................................................... 26New Year Resolutions ............................................................................................................................................ 27Th at Ice .....................................................................................................................................................................28More Ice On A Memory ........................................................................................................................................ 29Fun Some More ...................................................................................................................................................... 30Th e Odd Place Like Home .....................................................................................................................................31Boy Howdy .............................................................................................................................................................. 32Drag Me Down ....................................................................................................................................................... 33Bluet ......................................................................................................................................................................... 34Helpable ................................................................................................................................................................... 35Dead Lab ................................................................................................................................................................. 36Turns Out .................................................................................................................................................................37Love Falls ................................................................................................................................................................. 38Car ............................................................................................................................................................................ 39I Wonder My Past ..................................................................................................................................................40Captain of My Heart...............................................................................................................................................41Th is Is What............................................................................................................................................................ 42Overlording It ......................................................................................................................................................... 43Th e Sky Was Once Blue ........................................................................................................................................44Past Be Forgot From Me ........................................................................................................................................ 45

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Secondary Th oughts .............................................................................................................................................. 46Is Appropriate to Say ..............................................................................................................................................47You Belong ...............................................................................................................................................................48Am I Blue ................................................................................................................................................................. 49Nothing At All ....................................................................................................................................................... 50Losing Loser .............................................................................................................................................................51In Th e Deep ............................................................................................................................................................ 52Stay Here ................................................................................................................................................................. 53Summer Days.......................................................................................................................................................... 54Transmission Error ................................................................................................................................................. 55As One Said ............................................................................................................................................................. 56Why Th ink ...............................................................................................................................................................57Th eme Imaginarium ............................................................................................................................................... 58Heart of Lone .......................................................................................................................................................... 59Sull ...........................................................................................................................................................................60How About Th at .....................................................................................................................................................61Too Shy to Complain ............................................................................................................................................. 62Free World............................................................................................................................................................... 63Got To Hand It To Him .......................................................................................................................................64Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk ...................................................................................................................................... 65KCBS ....................................................................................................................................................................... 66What a Loser ............................................................................................................................................................67As For Me ................................................................................................................................................................ 68All My Wondrous Woes ........................................................................................................................................ 69I Th ink Of Th e Th ings I’ve Done ......................................................................................................................... 70Not You Not Anyone ..............................................................................................................................................71For All Time ........................................................................................................................................................... 72A Long Long Time ................................................................................................................................................. 73By Th e Time ............................................................................................................................................................ 74Tragedy of No Clues ............................................................................................................................................... 75Step In It For Th e First Time ............................................................................................................................... 76Near Rome, I Th ink ............................................................................................................................................... 77Crappy Day ............................................................................................................................................................. 78What Kind Of Slope .............................................................................................................................................. 79Abigail Redone ........................................................................................................................................................80Under Master ...........................................................................................................................................................81Let It Find Me ......................................................................................................................................................... 82Tough Storytelling .................................................................................................................................................. 83Could Have Had It All ..........................................................................................................................................84My Trololo ............................................................................................................................................................... 85Time After Time .................................................................................................................................................... 86Muleshoe Natch ..................................................................................................................................................... 87Crickets ....................................................................................................................................................................88Such A Fool You ..................................................................................................................................................... 89Desperation .............................................................................................................................................................90Take Th e Long Way ................................................................................................................................................91Muffl ed ..................................................................................................................................................................... 92

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Away From Us Both ............................................................................................................................................... 93What Cabbage......................................................................................................................................................... 94Free Marker ............................................................................................................................................................. 95Likes Th e Cold ........................................................................................................................................................ 96Where Was It All? .................................................................................................................................................. 97Being How ............................................................................................................................................................... 98Th e Barn One .......................................................................................................................................................... 99Th e Barn Two ........................................................................................................................................................100Th e Barn Th ree ......................................................................................................................................................101Th e Barn Four ....................................................................................................................................................... 102Far Over Th e Sea .................................................................................................................................................. 103Be All Right ..........................................................................................................................................................104Somewhere Near Where I Hate ........................................................................................................................ 105I Saw ....................................................................................................................................................................... 106In Here In Th ere ................................................................................................................................................... 107Precision of the Past .............................................................................................................................................108On Such A Winter’s Day ....................................................................................................................................109By A River ............................................................................................................................................................. 110Merrimac Deconstruction ....................................................................................................................................111April 20, 2000–2004, 2013 ................................................................................................................................. 112WWC .................................................................................................................................................................... 113never heard of it ................................................................................................................................................... 114My Mystery Mine ................................................................................................................................................. 115You Fool You ......................................................................................................................................................... 116Uniformity ..............................................................................................................................................................117Wow Just Wow ..................................................................................................................................................... 118Four Winds ........................................................................................................................................................... 119Red Words ............................................................................................................................................................120Buttress of Love .................................................................................................................................................... 121In St Louis .............................................................................................................................................................122After Drive ............................................................................................................................................................. 123Overload ................................................................................................................................................................124Frozen Idea ............................................................................................................................................................ 125What Really Is Writing? ......................................................................................................................................126Snubbing ................................................................................................................................................................ 127Whitehorse In A Land Larger Th an Life ..........................................................................................................128Now Hear Th is: Bounce! Bounce! ......................................................................................................................129On Every Piece ......................................................................................................................................................130Jack Sprat ................................................................................................................................................................131Long Days .............................................................................................................................................................. 132Anchorage Airport ............................................................................................................................................... 133You Know—Pine Trees etc .................................................................................................................................134Fire But No Mountain ......................................................................................................................................... 135Palatial ................................................................................................................................................................... 136Some Th ings Will Never Change ...................................................................................................................... 137When Back ............................................................................................................................................................138Merrimac High School 1933 .............................................................................................................................. 139

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Tell Don’t Show ....................................................................................................................................................140Do Tell ....................................................................................................................................................................141Snow Part .............................................................................................................................................................. 142Take Th e Long Way Home ................................................................................................................................. 143Beating Th e Positive Out Of Myself ..................................................................................................................144Dovely .................................................................................................................................................................... 145In Th is Twilight .................................................................................................................................................... 146Starey Eyed .............................................................................................................................................................147Over 101 ................................................................................................................................................................ 148Wrong Page Saved ................................................................................................................................................ 149Dead / Tired .........................................................................................................................................................150Ma ............................................................................................................................................................................151Times Have Come ................................................................................................................................................ 152Light of a Windmill.............................................................................................................................................. 153Foregone Assumption ..........................................................................................................................................154Shh ......................................................................................................................................................................... 155Damned Ego ......................................................................................................................................................... 156Two Lines of Loop ................................................................................................................................................ 157Language Is Not Pretty .......................................................................................................................................158Th e Truth ............................................................................................................................................................... 159Left Alone To Devices .........................................................................................................................................160leave .........................................................................................................................................................................161Either End ............................................................................................................................................................. 162Left ......................................................................................................................................................................... 163Let Me Take You Down ......................................................................................................................................164Puff y ....................................................................................................................................................................... 165I Th ink Th e Robins Are Waiting For Me ......................................................................................................... 166As I Work at the Computer ................................................................................................................................ 167Never Stops ...........................................................................................................................................................168Tagbody .................................................................................................................................................................. 169In Law .................................................................................................................................................................... 170Nothing But ...........................................................................................................................................................171Summer Today At Last ....................................................................................................................................... 172So I Quit ................................................................................................................................................................ 173Not Tonight, Honey ............................................................................................................................................ 174Heading Backward ............................................................................................................................................... 175Moonish ................................................................................................................................................................. 176You Can’t Fool Mother Nature ........................................................................................................................... 177All Th e Leaves ....................................................................................................................................................... 178All Else ................................................................................................................................................................... 179How Far Does It Go? ...........................................................................................................................................180Gotcha.....................................................................................................................................................................181Berlinitude ............................................................................................................................................................. 182In Th ai .................................................................................................................................................................... 183More Th an We Have ...........................................................................................................................................184Language Notes .................................................................................................................................................... 185In Whose Woods ................................................................................................................................................. 186

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After All Nothing ................................................................................................................................................. 187Word Farm ............................................................................................................................................................188Heading Away ....................................................................................................................................................... 189Land of Kershaw ...................................................................................................................................................190We’ll Make More ...................................................................................................................................................191Merrimac Wet ...................................................................................................................................................... 192Time Instead of Time ........................................................................................................................................... 193Near the Beach Not On It...................................................................................................................................194Snap ........................................................................................................................................................................ 195Who’s Th e Fool Now? .......................................................................................................................................... 196It’s A Real Question ............................................................................................................................................. 197Possible Th at Is .....................................................................................................................................................198Farm Lost ..............................................................................................................................................................199When You Don’t Reserve ....................................................................................................................................200Susanville ............................................................................................................................................................... 201Driving Home .......................................................................................................................................................202Crap I Am..............................................................................................................................................................203High / Rise ............................................................................................................................................................204Rejection Amoré ...................................................................................................................................................205Prayer 63 ................................................................................................................................................................206Ungood .................................................................................................................................................................. 207Etherized On A Table .........................................................................................................................................208SomeNoBody ........................................................................................................................................................209Finally A Smile ..................................................................................................................................................... 210Cold And Snow In Th e Hague ............................................................................................................................211Partners For Life ................................................................................................................................................... 212Avalanche ............................................................................................................................................................... 213Pray For Me ........................................................................................................................................................... 214Losing Is Easy ....................................................................................................................................................... 215Imagine How Dead I Am .................................................................................................................................... 216Loathing And All Th at .........................................................................................................................................217Failure .................................................................................................................................................................... 218Dread ..................................................................................................................................................................... 219Feeble Willed ........................................................................................................................................................220Two Page Story ..................................................................................................................................................... 221Who Likes Endings? Not Me .............................................................................................................................222Stop I Say .............................................................................................................................................................. 223See You On Th e Page ...........................................................................................................................................224A Pancake Th ing ................................................................................................................................................... 225Hopi .......................................................................................................................................................................226At the Poem Store and Grill ............................................................................................................................... 227Me Like ..................................................................................................................................................................228Silly Th oughts On Th e Floor ..............................................................................................................................229Pentucket Success Story Or Feeble Minded Boy Makes OK .........................................................................230Loath To Loathe ....................................................................................................................................................231My Yearly Walk .................................................................................................................................................... 232I Suspect ................................................................................................................................................................ 233

vi

Silent Auction .......................................................................................................................................................234Foo On Me ............................................................................................................................................................ 235Templates ............................................................................................................................................................... 236Fortune .................................................................................................................................................................. 237Some Time For A Bridge ....................................................................................................................................238Last Months .......................................................................................................................................................... 239Maybe I Can Quit Soon ......................................................................................................................................240What YH Said ...................................................................................................................................................... 241In Real Life ............................................................................................................................................................242More Th an ............................................................................................................................................................. 243Rocks Bridge .........................................................................................................................................................244Snow What?? ........................................................................................................................................................ 245It Makes Me Th ink ..............................................................................................................................................246Woe Whoa ............................................................................................................................................................ 247Small Everything ..................................................................................................................................................248Who To’ You? ........................................................................................................................................................249Moon Doggie ........................................................................................................................................................250Tasty Tales ..............................................................................................................................................................251Yh Risen ................................................................................................................................................................. 252Here I Go! ............................................................................................................................................................. 25311 .............................................................................................................................................................................254Constraints ............................................................................................................................................................ 255Coop ....................................................................................................................................................................... 256Honor Is Like Th is All Over Th e World .......................................................................................................... 257Disengaging ...........................................................................................................................................................258Fall In NE .............................................................................................................................................................. 259But Th at’s What It’s For ......................................................................................................................................260Flow Crazy ............................................................................................................................................................ 261Obvious Long ........................................................................................................................................................262Others .................................................................................................................................................................... 263Splat .......................................................................................................................................................................264Most Important Problem .................................................................................................................................... 265Reminds Me Of ....................................................................................................................................................266Overly ..................................................................................................................................................................... 267Almost Like Greek ...............................................................................................................................................268Green Metal Bridge ..............................................................................................................................................269RVB Sneak Peek ...................................................................................................................................................270Last Quiet Night Th ere ....................................................................................................................................... 271Historic I’d Say .....................................................................................................................................................272Details Small and Silly ........................................................................................................................................ 273Revisited ................................................................................................................................................................ 274Stiff Th inking ....................................................................................................................................................... 275Pruneyard .............................................................................................................................................................. 276Up Too Late .......................................................................................................................................................... 277Th e Mystery of Big ................................................................................................................................................278Simple Dream .......................................................................................................................................................279Bridging .................................................................................................................................................................280

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Tonight Some More.............................................................................................................................................. 281Lazy Bum—Maybe ..............................................................................................................................................282To Shine .................................................................................................................................................................283Too Bad ..................................................................................................................................................................284So Sad ....................................................................................................................................................................285Did I Mention No Cares? ....................................................................................................................................286Zoo Gardens ......................................................................................................................................................... 287Potsdam @ Night .................................................................................................................................................288A Surprise In Potsdam .........................................................................................................................................289On Museum Island ..............................................................................................................................................290A Day When Berlin Does Not Defeat Me ........................................................................................................ 291Th e Question .........................................................................................................................................................292Going Home ......................................................................................................................................................... 293Blue Ribbons .........................................................................................................................................................294Lady We All Know .............................................................................................................................................. 295PLoP Opportunity ...............................................................................................................................................296Desperation ........................................................................................................................................................... 297From a Long Time Ago .......................................................................................................................................298My Life ...................................................................................................................................................................299Th e First Shall Last ..............................................................................................................................................300Dream Work ......................................................................................................................................................... 301Unlookers ..............................................................................................................................................................302When It Happens We Cry For Ourselves ......................................................................................................... 303Th is Is Th e Moment .............................................................................................................................................304Ecstasy.................................................................................................................................................................... 305Place to Go ............................................................................................................................................................306Th rough Sex .......................................................................................................................................................... 307No Diff erence ........................................................................................................................................................308Th e Truth ...............................................................................................................................................................309Er ............................................................................................................................................................................ 310Lu .............................................................................................................................................................................311Same No ................................................................................................................................................................ 312Across the Sky ....................................................................................................................................................... 313Jump ....................................................................................................................................................................... 314Just Over and Over ............................................................................................................................................... 315Helpless Was My Inspiration ............................................................................................................................. 316Why Now ...............................................................................................................................................................317Which? ................................................................................................................................................................... 318Spaghetti ................................................................................................................................................................ 319Hard Code .............................................................................................................................................................320Who Knew? ............................................................................................................................................................321In My Arms ........................................................................................................................................................... 322Sheesh .................................................................................................................................................................... 323We Were ................................................................................................................................................................324I Fear ...................................................................................................................................................................... 325When JFK ............................................................................................................................................................. 326In a Cold Country Wings Beat Slow ................................................................................................................. 327

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Blue Lights on Brown Water ..............................................................................................................................328Finding Th e River ................................................................................................................................................. 329Anything to Write ................................................................................................................................................330Truly Mad ...............................................................................................................................................................331With Boston Nana and Mike .............................................................................................................................. 332Who Says I Was Th e Worst? .............................................................................................................................. 333All Same .................................................................................................................................................................334Strict Question ..................................................................................................................................................... 335How Do I Look? ................................................................................................................................................... 336And I? ..................................................................................................................................................................... 337Positive ................................................................................................................................................................... 338I Love You So ........................................................................................................................................................ 339Truth and Pray ......................................................................................................................................................340Late & Tired .......................................................................................................................................................... 341Sometime ...............................................................................................................................................................342On A Day .............................................................................................................................................................. 343Where’d She Go? ..................................................................................................................................................344Didn’t ..................................................................................................................................................................... 345After A Tail ...........................................................................................................................................................346By It ........................................................................................................................................................................ 347I Never Progressed ...............................................................................................................................................348Like North .............................................................................................................................................................349As Someone Once Said ........................................................................................................................................350Pine Winds .............................................................................................................................................................351Another One Of .................................................................................................................................................... 352At Th e Restaurant ................................................................................................................................................ 353Magic Mute ..........................................................................................................................................................354Milton’s Maybe...................................................................................................................................................... 355Kurkjian or Me ..................................................................................................................................................... 356A Bird In Flight ..................................................................................................................................................... 357Witted ....................................................................................................................................................................358As Time Goes By .................................................................................................................................................. 359She Be ....................................................................................................................................................................360Me Milton and Walt .............................................................................................................................................361Russian Saying ...................................................................................................................................................... 362Fat Chances ........................................................................................................................................................... 363All Along Th e Line ...............................................................................................................................................364Singer Of Its Song ................................................................................................................................................ 365

1

January 1, 2013

First Th oughts

music swims bymy heart is not what it was when the smells of summer were cut hayperhaps snowfall would be best required for a last yearstill music with crystal top endthe place I picture to this music thoughis far into the interiorfl at and little changingsky everywhere but under my feetwhat I’ve always wanted is to be separate and mournedmissed / unsought

2

January 2, 2013

In Th e Arms

it might look like a fancy residential home in Nor Calbut sitting here writing it feels like a fl at in the easternpart of Berlin / looking outside I don’t see a live oaklit from below but a wide man in a hat with a womanhalf his size beside him walking through yellow lightaway from a covered alley / in the park empty benchesclench their cleats and sit covered in orange snowall this so I can feel her warm skin / touch her stiff hairto do something at night that the guys in school wouldadmire / like kiss a woman whose clothes cannot be imagined

3

January 3, 2013

On Snow Tracks

this wall I’m walking besideis a raised railway that stretchesfrom night Potsdam to Berlinif I let it / night but the snowCelan gets it / a bit but he fears raised tracksthe smoke you know that he imagineseverywhere with snowI look for a woman to follownot close / just to see hera woman who was never a girl

4

January 4, 2013

How About

they are rebuilding my bridgethe one I have nightmares aboutthose nightmares are as broken as the bridgecan those rebuilders please workon my nightmares too and turnthem into dreams

5

January 5, 2013

Just

people expect things of meI can’t deliver any morenot for anyonenot for lack of desirecan’t

6

January 6, 2013

Stanley and Steve

someone I know is eroding in front of mehe is becoming slowlymore and more unhingedhe speaks of the end as a decisionof a decent poet we both knewhe speaks of a minor talent and ephemeral importanceam I obligated to save him

7

January 7, 2013

Passion Gets What It Deserves

remember / remember it pleaseit’s not how far you could have goneit’s how far you went / the countingstarts where you didnowhere / the past of your pastwas the most evil beginningyou should have become nothingbut you did a little morenot much more / but a littleperhaps one day someone will walk past your headstoneand pause before moving onhe did something they’ll thinkmaybe say

8

January 8, 2013

On Trip

yeah so travel tomorrownot that far just Minneapolistalk to givepizza to eatnot too cold they saytwo legs each waynear where I spoke 13 years agowhere I was when my mother died 10 years agoit doesn’t stand outbut it feels familiar

9

January 9, 2013

Not Poetry

cold but a kind of clearnot seen in lesser climatesmeeting and talking to weirdos and nutsnow / stuff ed / I need sleepand so be it

10

January 10, 2013

Last Night Of Cold

the rain is turning to freezing rain outsideinside a woman smiles before taking herfood into her mouththough inside she seems coldI stop / stare and lean on my elbowsshe chews and I think smilesI am invisibleto her / and me

11

January 11, 2013

Travel Fun

freak snowstormlike a spring day just 50 miles awaydeicing / freezing raininside this frozen wombbut here I am birthed to the outside of itit gave me a headache

12

January 12, 2013

Tribute or Not

people die and their friends call for tributeswhen the requested tribute is to do what you have always doneand you started it before the person was aware of the practiceand you started because already had beenand the poor guy is known for doing that very thingit doesn’t feel like the tribute is going in the right direction

13

January 13, 2013

Th e Diff erence

when this poem is fi nishedit will have a design and I will have designed itbut what problem am I solving aside from writing my daily poemnone at all / so the point that without a problem there can be no designis a statement in search of a question for which it can be the answerthat is / wrong

14

January 14, 2013

Frost’s Forks

the terrain’s diff erent nowthe old ways aren’t working muchI notice fewer people by my sideI refl ected on love decisions I thought aboutthat would have left me alone by nowand ones that would have left me with craziesso this is better / I thinkbut not good still

15

January 15, 2013

Dream Wish

all the buildings are redbrick and they are on scattering streets and roadsand they brace against the cold Atlantic sea each Winterand a river that can’t make up its mind yetagain or four times a day by scraping byI want to walk down her streets on a rainy nightlook through windows as comfort builds inside therewait for the woman to look down / then I’ll knowshe wishes something else and the clouds will crackabove / time will contract / will contact the hem of her story

16

January 16, 2013

Meet Once

yesterday I read the saddest love storyno one’s imagined any moreit came with a song and nowI can’t stopplaying it over and over andit weighs on what life could meanalways regret and longinglooking back and hopingwishing I suppose

17

January 17, 2013

Are You Serious or Fired?

progress is jollyto properly host the top 250 investors for one daythe big company dismantles itstremendous library

I forgot to mentionthis is in one of its research labs

18

January 18, 2013

Cool as Evening Music

the music settles over twilightand what was mere melancholybecomes just sad

19

January 19, 2013

No Meaning Just Noise

hard driven snowhits the face like little razorswithout cutsbut without warmth soonthe face will show

20

January 20, 2013

Such A Long Road Ago

the picture of Bill Simpson and Michelle Simondswalking down Bridge Street Fall ’66 / it was sweethow they seemed embarking on their journeynow it’s my turn to walk the road tremendous to its endlet those who might know / might care cheeror admire / my small accomplishments are largeon that little road

21

January 21, 2013

Story To Be Told

I love the cold weather / howit disturbs the head and remindsthat the rest of everything will little notewhat happens in the crevices of the disturbance

22

January 22, 2013

By Th e Th eater

they sleep by a federal building each nightcardboard platforms duct taped to the wallthick orange sleeping bags and heads completely coveredto gain some dark / everything piled between themand the walls / anyone who tells you they deservethis deserves every bad thing that can happento them

23

January 23, 2013

Th e Romance Of Homelessness

a cold night can change the lifeof a homeless woman whose sleeping bagisn’t up to it / or if the tarp she carriesas a barrier to the wet ground has holesor goes missing / a warm meal would helpbut where is it when the helpers are huddledin their own warm beds / many fi nd romanceon cold nights and cherish the logs on the fi reand orange light / the light over that womanthere shivering insider her old and wet down bagis orange too

24

January 24, 2013

How Far Off I Sat And Wondered

I liked it better when the worldwas discrete / isolated into neighborhoods in themathematical sense / then places in Kansaswere far away not like now on top of every placeI could imagine disappearing and no one fi nding mecan’t happen now and so there is no romanceromance means isolation / invisibility / desolation

25

January 25, 2013

Shriram Says It All

some say writing’s just syntaxno bugs that is nothing wrongbut nothing wrong don’t mean something right

26

January 26, 2013

Where’s My Car Now?

some take it the wrong waythe blast of ice crystalsthe road that looks shiny but is really slickI remember stopping on the road in my cargetting out and not being able to standthen my car slid awayin the adjacent fi eld the last blades of hay are covered in crystaland the thin branches on birchestrunks of thin trees or small onesevery green pine needle encased in icemy car went down the incline I never noticedthen slipped down into the ditch by the road I remember farm waste washingaway ineverything else encased in icesound like pins falling on piles of pinsdid my ancestors anticipate this

27

January 27, 2013

New Year Resolutions

get naked / climb onto Tony Land’s roofspin Tony Land around and nuzzle his shoulderrun into Tony Land’s house / knock down a TV spill the contents of a vacuum on the fl oordodge any bullets fi red by LaDonna Landmasturbate in the living roomrub clothes on my face in Tony Land’s laundry roomdefecate on the fl oor in two placesdrink the contents of the vacuum

28

January 28, 2013

Th at Ice

who doubtsthe sincerity of icelayered on red newgrowth branchesand the sound of cold on cold

29

January 29, 2013

More Ice On A Memory

after the ice storm stoppedI went walking in the woodsreally / down a little road that turnedright where a little stream widened to a bogmy boot crunched through the iced layerabove the trees were part glassthe sun would soon make it all waterbut for now the streaming cold winddidn’t let up and the place under the pineswith the boulder and needled pit around the big pine trunkneeded a small fi re / something I could not makenot then / not now

30

January 30, 2013

Fun Some More

yes so the rug has been pulled andI’ve been volunteered for a tough jobbut with the belief I volunteeredfun fun fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away

31

January 31, 2013

Th e Odd Place Like Home

something is happening that will spell my downfallI can feel it but the evidence points the other wayI have a fear and perhaps time will save meI feel like I am at the edge of a gray city in devastationI can either continue to its dead and putrid centeror head for the green belt surrounding itas fall arrives and soon the green with be brown gray then whiteor stand my ground and plan eternity here

32

February 1, 2013

Boy Howdy

some people view sadness with tearspretend it’s something that you laughaway / the news is always protractedfollowed by a sentimental blowof the nose into hankies stolen from mid-Texasshoveled into butcher paper alongsideBBQ and friescelebrate like ’80s’

33

February 2, 2013

Drag Me Down

how sad people’ve saidthat your house is nearly gonehanging from holes torn in its fabricthe fi berglass cloth hangs stillas white as the day he brought it homein great piles in the back of our pickupgood thermal characteristics I’veread but misplaced as house insulationeven though the pink kind seems still popularsitting here I can’t thinkof a single time my father said I had done something wellhe was as much of a hacker as mequality and fi nery / not our thingshow sad people’ve told me

34

February 3, 2013

Bluet

never believe your own mythologynever put faith and dreams on othersnever gauge yourself by the triumphs of failures of your designated proxiesif you’ve chosen a color let that color be that colorI hope one day to fi nd myself on the bank of a familiar riverwith only me to think aboutand no one be a substitute for mea stand-ina stunt mana doppelgängerI am enough of that already

35

February 4, 2013

Helpable

there is always a fi rst timeeither to win / more likelyor to lose

36

February 5, 2013

Dead Lab

degraded and left asidehow many times can one dealthe corridors are long and darkI suppose because the sun outsideis typically high and mightyinside the air though cool doesn’t welcomebut hinges of stink / and the green exteriorpretends to be alive / all inside die

37

February 6, 2013

Turns Out

the weight of livingis gaining on allso tired is how we all feelthe touch is past

38

February 7, 2013

Love Falls

how life hates mehow I fallhow what I love fallsapart / and how the future races awayaround the corner

39

February 8, 2013

Car

twenty years I had that carI loved it and it took me everywherenow it’s gone like any deadsilly but I weep for its loss

40

February 9, 2013

I Wonder My Past

it is just a thingbut a loved thingkiss it goodbye then leave

41

February 10, 2013

Captain of My Heart

great changes come from small actspiling up like snow on the deck of a bridgecrossing from despair to hope from despair

42

February 11, 2013

Th is Is What

when the hint of allure tripped us upwhen eyelids rising made us wetwhen the thought of a cold night fi lled us with eagerwhen the car breaking down meant more then morewhen what was perfect was soon swept upinto hands then arms then selvesthat beauty now fi ts only between these marginsand terse words that fl ow like small numbers in a long calculationlight up that pastI wish all that to come back but only a wall grows tallbefore me and I can’t stop walking toward it

43

February 12, 2013

Overlording It

one white bark birch covered in new snowwritten about in every poemits top bends and ice coating its branchesmake this the last thing on a hot world

44

February 13, 2013

Th e Sky Was Once Blue

sad to see myself so far in the woodsclose to the last back fi eldwhere just below the surfaceits a beachy sandany body buried there soon becomes vacantvanishing into the air or into the depthssad to see me walk this waypast deep and wide ant castlesnearby an old farm dump barely survives the rustold cars dumped heresad to see myself so far

45

February 14, 2013

Past Be Forgot From Me

walking the farmI found many old dumpsitesfragments of automobiles randomly placedsoup cans under leaves and needlessometimes a bolt and brace hugging greyed wood crumblingand there old roads hooking around through woodslinking fi elds nearly grown overthese are all things that could be mine but aren’t and can’t belike desire beyond restraint

46

February 15, 2013

Secondary Th oughts

living is hardthings breakneed fi xedI am so tired of itwas I raised wrongfeels like my mother’s complaints were all true

47

February 16, 2013

Is Appropriate to Say

there was a big story behind it allI never knew that storynever had a tingle that might inspire its knowledgeafter dozens of years she felt the sting of it so littleonly her madness was left overher gift to me along with some hateall of us eventually were aloneand events all should share to make us humanare behind walls and inside while we wait outsidesitting in the car / told to sit and waitwith no books / no comics / no place to peewhile they went inside and saw her mother laid outhis mother laid out / his stepfather laid outI in the hot car with only unrememberable thoughtsthank you

48

February 17, 2013

You Belong

I’d love to have it backa chunk of land with fi eldswoods and streamshardwoods pinesa needle covered open space beneath tall pinesto sleep and rememberand maybe my parentsfor a few weeksto ask them the mysteries left behindcan’t children learn to askinstead of write fi ction

49

February 18, 2013

Am I Blue

I fi nd it hard to feellove for what I do it’sjust a job I don’t muchlike and oh if I could stopI would right now without a thoughtI have no aff ection for any of it

50

February 19, 2013

Nothing At All

warm weather coming soonI hopewith it a family of luxurya featherweight lift of spiritsa yellow turning greensomething like a (with no vision yet of )

51

February 20, 2013

Losing Loser

pretty simpleI am happy in my shroudbut I wish I could be a player againcan’t because businesses have gone crazyand schools don’t fashion

52

February 21, 2013

In Th e Deep

surpassedthey turn a corner aheadtrees / brushthey are gone behind themnow it’s time to unhone my eyeget randommake more

53

February 22, 2013

Stay Here

I can’t write a program that knows meit always says it’s someone elsenot sure whoI am not distinctmaybe I should try harderbut soon I am really noone

54

February 23, 2013

Summer Days

when they lowered him into the groundit was cool and cloudydrizzlyafter the long heat and wet of that horrible Summershe waited and watchedwatched the fi rst shovels of dirt rain downshe talked with the workers whose job this waythen latershe walked up the hill and sat in coincidenceon the very spot under which her ashes now liea coincidence she made in front of meand I never knew why all this meant what it meantto her until I made it up

55

February 24, 2013

Transmission Error

well I hate everythingabout the way some partsof the world work

56

February 25, 2013

As One Said

took only a daywith lots of perseveranceto fi nd a way to get the stuff I wantedroute around the damage

57

February 26, 2013

Why Th ink

heavy garbage truckfi rst on the snowy streetnear dawn but as dark as the sky permitsand streetlightsI noticed a woman across the way looking downher hair made me sadshe turned and I forgot to look at her nudityso sad were her hair / the truck tracks left in the snowthe leaning in skyI think the clouds were wispy

58

February 27, 2013

Th eme Imaginarium

stopped in a barsouthwestern town and it was dusted adobe outsideinside I saw hatsI ordered whisky but forgot the modifi ers’ namesa dark hair woman watched me try to read the postersI thought of taking her back to her trailer and running my fi ngernailsdown her back / all the way downshe thought of getting in my car thenfl ying to Paris where the real bars are sheimagined I was something like that

59

February 28, 2013

Heart of Lone

we had a lot of landscattered along a small roadto the west of townwe were alone out thereat night the house made soundsduring the day smells took overthe lots of things a boy must learn to live a serious lifemy mother never taught me those thingsexample / how to brush me teethhow to take a bathwe had a lot of one sort of thingonly

60

March 1, 2013

Sull

I can tell you this nowyou know a helium balloon lifts and liftshow high / how big the balloon / how full of gasonce I was out in our fi eldthe balloon had fallen days earlierin pieces it shook in the windunder the sun it fadedeach day I returned to itwatched it fall into the groundbecome a new kind of nothing

61

March 2, 2013

How About Th at

in the end respect was out of boundsshe thought me incapabledisabled / disruptivewith poor valueshe did my homework from start to fi nishbelieved I had dropped out of grad schoolshe yelled / called names / cursed memy mother / what sort of woman was shewas it that I wasn’t my fatherher fatherI never was enoughnot nowmaybe she was rightI say the same things she did

62

March 3, 2013

Too Shy to Complain

outside the windowcatastrophe of colors / shapeslavendar in the plum trees closest byheavy oak trunk / branches thenyellow / yellow green / new leaves aftergrey fog over the bayfi nal / thin porcelain blue / delicate as a tiny bird’sin Winter / a spin art

63

March 4, 2013

Free World

drop a small rose in the slow riverdozens of miles upriverand though it hesitatesthough it edges back upriver with the incoming tideeventually it becomes the sealike everything else

64

March 5, 2013

Got To Hand It To Him

who makes it dependsthe draw / the drawingthe painting in the cornerthat I showed my friend through the windowtelling him my mother didn’t permit kids in the house / he thoughtit was real but it was paint by numbersand he was a real painterthough only 15 / I didn’t realize he wasgay but in the locker room he held hislarge cock while he walked locker aisle tolocker aisle / no one called him thatother boys did it too / I didn’t have anywords for it

65

March 6, 2013

Walk, Walk, Walk, Walk

all the youth are dyingI remember when I was young the age dying now seemed ancientI am thereI bet my friends I wouldn’t last past 50I should have won the betlosing it hurts

66

March 7, 2013

KCBS

I noticed a wave comingkind of a rolling sort of thingas it drew closer I noticedthe sea wall in front of itand the row of two story homes across a road from the sea wallI imagined the wave hitting the wallthen everything turning whitethe fear in the hearts of the people in those homesbut something happened and I wasn’t there any moreI was listening to Madden in the Morning

67

March 8, 2013

What a Loser

one more step toward nonsensehoodno longer Dick Gabriel5D8797 instead

68

March 9, 2013

As For Me

in my dreamthe bridge was almost fi nishedbut at the Haverhill endpeople and cars had to take an elevatorto get down to the roadtwo places along the spangravel ramps spiraled down to the riverI took one and on the way back up Icaught a fi sha woman sitting next to me wore no pantsand her hand covered her lipsI didn’t think it was much like the old bridgein my dreamI spent a lot of time on the bridgefrom Summer into Winterwhen the ice fl oes passed by the piersand the spiral gravel ramps seemedthe wrong thing

69

March 10, 2013

All My Wondrous Woes

we expect days to lengthenground to heatbirds to arrivethese are commonplaceI don’t do big any moreI am a small cogand my pleasures are small toopeople laugh at my choicesbut I want small onesI don’t want to make a big showI want to have little comfortsI want to sit out back and readand write

70

March 11, 2013

I Th ink Of Th e Th ings I’ve Done

sitting in the crook of the forked treenear the hand pump we used for the cows’ water tubI imagined maybe writing great storiesnovel maybe I pumped some cold water into a tin cup and drankthe farm then was 60 acrestonight I sit in a room on less than halfan acre / the middle / in betweena peak / some peaks / the endsthough low and private / we arrived aloneand leave

71

March 12, 2013

Not You Not Anyone

it’s important to place yourself exactlyfi nd your placeknow itnever feel pity

72

March 13, 2013

For All Time

Let’s think about supposingsupposing that life is a giftthinking that prayer is communication to otherunless other is usthe tail that hangs down not curls upsuppose that

73

March 14, 2013

A Long Long Time

imagine anyone at allfrom deep pastthey had a life as lively as thisthey had all that and nothing toowonderful things and an empty bag to put them in

74

March 15, 2013

By Th e Time

all the good songsfl oat just one inchabove deep melancholythe sadness in themmakes you listen over and overjust as the hot girl walking awayin last year’s skirtmakes you watch over and over

75

March 16, 2013

Tragedy of No Clues

I found a photo of Merrimac Squaretaken the month my grandfather diedreally / was killedby my grandmother / some cars parked therelooked like one could be hisit looked hot / that’s rightlittle cluesthis what small families leaveall I was left

76

March 17, 2013

Step In It For Th e First Time

the smallest part of the riveris the whole river

77

March 18, 2013

Near Rome, I Th ink

with all that beautiful lighthard to imagine killing and fi ghtingdeath ritualized and realtwo colors stand in my headwhitened blue / sky fi lling the domerusted yellow rising on walls toward the sunI was warm as we walked up the gravel road to the top of the hillover the city / olive trees painted belowred roofs / marble and sandstonemany things happened right heremany and terrible

78

March 19, 2013

Crappy Day

I hate computersand websites

79

March 20, 2013

What Kind Of Slope

wide spaces between conifersred bark and striking green on the brancheson the side of a steep hill it seemsor perhaps the lower part of a mountainnow pick one of thesea campground fi lled with medium aged cars and tenting equipmenta pasture of no men no women / a long expanseleading to a frightened sea

80

March 21, 2013

Abigail Redone

I sat across from her at a round tableher face was a gray a bit and lacedand wrinkled / a woman well pastbut her voice was sweet and lowered sometimesto draw me in / she was not technical but worked with sameher smile fakedminutes passed the lace smoothed a bit bit by bitwrinkles fi lled inby an hour her face bloomed / her skin fell to glassthis what the process in an old man’s head makes of her

81

March 22, 2013

Under Master

I am blind to mistakeslike the time the frenchwoman followedme to the café / sat at the next tableand asked

82

March 23, 2013

Let It Find Me

I need to restfi nd a perfect and sit underhear music play up in my ears / my headthen a breeze heading downrivercut grass and river smellslater a Skip’s burgera frappe from Bate’sbut restmost important and urgentrest

83

March 24, 2013

Tough Storytelling

one day I’ll falland never get upmy legs will become twigsthat day I’ll cry and begina memory journeygoing over it allthen facing it

84

March 25, 2013

Could Have Had It All

my wife knows I’m failingshe acknowledges it in her low voiceshe is fully a creature of natureknows the end is just an endno moving aheador onshe knows when the fi nal failure fallsnothing

85

March 26, 2013

My Trololo

I’ve sat behind the keyboardmany years typing code / emaillooking out windowsmusic in the backgroundfood / drinksthis has been my whole lifewriting one way or ’tother

86

March 27, 2013

Time After Time

the horizon is nothing newit cuts the dome in twoif you cross behind the hidden backyou fi nd the sphere

87

March 28, 2013

Muleshoe Natch

fi nd me the cheap placepeople have nothing so nothingreally can be asked of themI’ll retire there like a little kingbecause I have $59 more than the next richest personpodunk / backwaters / grass growing up around the town sign

88

March 29, 2013

Crickets

no footing / no baseI am like the fallen pine after windstake all they canI wish to completely disappearnever again competeor thought toI just want to have something to rememberwhile I am waiting

89

March 30, 2013

Such A Fool You

blunted / hit from the side by straydogs tails / I wish for a mom and dad to watch over mewhile I sit in dark rooms listening to songs over and overbe gone / I say and sometimes

90

March 31, 2013

Desperation

it all sucksit really doesnothing goes rightor little

91

April 1, 2013

Take Th e Long Way

when the music plays I fi nd the itchin my head drops out / the big sound is closerreminds me of the time I rode my bikeall around the world I hadnothing about me interests youI remember starting out with a tall manand the fun we had / he died and failed on

92

April 2, 2013

Muffl ed

the little knocking I hear is youat the door / the windowwet outside tonight but the wind’s wound downI can see you through that window / Iam two rooms away and geometry is peculiar tonightas always you’re looking down and shakingout your umbrella / we’llwarm up many waysthe night put on the shelf

93

April 3, 2013

Away From Us Both

two lights / one here / one there backthe woman is walking in front of bothshe is a darker place in the rainin puddles drops raise small crownsof her shape all I can sayis she walks toward meI burn a light for hera constant light

94

April 4, 2013

What Cabbage

the way I speak of myselfit’s like hateI tingle all overyoung people can’t fi gure out my wraththey don’t know it’s all aimed at melike a poor afternoon soap

95

April 5, 2013

Free Marker

after the disaster subsidedrescuers came and rescuedonly those who paidonly those who pay deservethe simplest measurea great divider of living from the dead

96

April 6, 2013

Likes Th e Cold

those shag bark hickories and oaks by the side of our roadpassing through our farm / now imagine the narrow roadgrey skies in late November a chill thinking of yielding a bit of bitter snowI read about a clean place warm all year / knew enough where it wasto face the way to it / from there to here I made ita long trip that cost me everything

97

April 7, 2013

Where Was It All?

in all those poems I wrote about the farmme wandering the woods / the fi eldsthe road passing through itthe barn / the stations of the pinesI never mentionedbecause it seemed obvious to methat I always went unnoticedperhaps poorly perceiveddefi nitely without eyes and observationbecause I was never part of a storyexcept one I would makeand that many decades laterin this vacuum

98

April 8, 2013

Being How

I fi nd it hard to guess the feelings of othersthe way great novelists do / can’t fi ll my writingwith descriptions of their inner livesthis feels like telling / isn’t that wrong?

99

April 9, 2013

Th e Barn One

a door led from the through laneto the cow stalls / on one sideand the chicken roosts on the otherfor the small number of chickens we had thenthe through lane is how we brought hay into the barnnever having to back upramps leading up / downdoors hung from above on the stall sideso we could throw in the haythe cows’ noses right thereand the grips that held them in placewith the small windows covered in snowand the lights out / how darkfor those animals

100

April 10, 2013

Th e Barn Two

the door at the front hangs from a railrollers reduces hamperingopen it then turn right(left are cows and chickens)turn right / I can hardly remember what’s therea hallway with the sliding door on the righta sort of set of grain bins on the leftsaddles? leather things? wooden rakes? shovels?at the end a door on the leftand a toilet insideit empties into the muck belowmixes with cow outfl owa window somewhere because there is lighta door maybe to avoid the sliding doorall the wood is smooth and oldit is mostly grayabove is a ceiling and above that space for hay loose or baledit’s just a place but I made itjust now

101

April 11, 2013

Th e Barn Th ree

the door at the back was at the end of a rampone side of the ramp was held up by a stone wallthe other side was naturalthat side of the barn was whitewashed I thinkthe sliding door tooit hung like the front from a metal rail and rode on wheelsI spent little time back therewalked past it a lotfrom back there you could see most of the interesting parts of the farmfi fty years ago was the last time I was therebefore that everything in hell came to visit

102

April 12, 2013

Th e Barn Four

I’ve seen pictures of the barn from the 1940sit had more outbuildingsthe roof looked diff erentit was much newer than when I recall itbut old as any building can begrayed from the sun / nails rusting outI think you could read a book about life historiesthat read like this

103

April 13, 2013

Far Over Th e Sea

in a past so far awayit seems like stories onlya man lived who never was sure whybut who had gifts never seenhe buried himself in pleasurestill he was ready for himselfthen he sacrifi ced

104

April 14, 2013

Be All Right

in the back fi eld just inside the rim of woodsthe old model A sat in parts and rust with weedsand trees growing up through it surrounded by cansand bottlesthat’s how I feel

105

April 15, 2013

Somewhere Near Where I Hate

the pain is hard to stopI am afraid of itI can fi nd positions where it’s gonebut can’t hold themit’s just a back tweak I thinkI hope

106

April 16, 2013

I Saw

they gave upbulldozed our old houseand put up the most boring onethey could think of in its placeisn’t capitalism grand

107

April 17, 2013

In Here In Th ere

lots of reasons to believethere is nothing to believe in

108

April 18, 2013

Precision of the Past

they measured the levelof the bed after dismantlingand found an eighth inchoff over eight hundred feet

109

April 19, 2013

On Such A Winter’s Day

outside / chimesabove dark clouds punched through with whitea strong wind folds the river’s surfaceI am warm then in deep chillif there are birdsno one can sense themthis means…

110

April 20, 2013

By A River

some of the trees are showing signsI fell asleep under someit grew coldwhen I woke up the sun was out and I stepped out to snap the riverbut by then it was cloudy so I drove home

111

April 21, 2013

Merrimac Deconstruction

I found small pieces of oak fl oorand blue-painted concretethis was all left of my pastnow it’s gone too

112

April 22, 2013

April 20, 2000–2004, 2013

fi nd me the piecesgive me a way to fi gure itI saw some moss on the side of a treeI saw people below circling a stone&celebrating the birthday of a child long deadballoonsa real cake left and animals to eat itfi nd me the piecesto cry overI’ve given my hint

113

April 23, 2013

WWC

some are invited because they can writeothers because they can payI could pay

114

April 24, 2013

never heard of it

every morninglong queues in the school from Shibuya Stationsidewalks are in your sight so continuedthe campus moved from 3,000 people suddenly in Aprilfaculty compulsory many equivalent to only 1 or 2 amin person-Cho Shibuya also increases ifsince campus amounted to only two schoolsrattling it

115

April 25, 2013

My Mystery Mine

funny how it dissipatesthe stone walls which you’d thinkjust stay up / but on the old farm it’sas if they’ve hauled away most of the stonesbut I feel like no / the shag barks tooabout the same size as forty years backwhy does the permanent changeand the changeable remain

116

April 26, 2013

You Fool You

I am about to be brokemoney / women / spiritlike a swirling drainlife sucksyou might think I’m looking at this too close upinstead / I’m outside / back turned

117

April 27, 2013

Uniformity

a waste of a daywaiting for exultation

118

April 28, 2013

Wow Just Wow

we looked at the photos I tookI worked on the a lot in Lightroomafter looking at themI could see they sucked

119

April 29, 2013

Four Winds

hi / my life is in some mirrorI mean it’s back thereI fell asleep for a whileI wish there were fewer things to doback there you know

120

April 30, 2013

Red Words

a heavy daywords on the pageno ideas luredwords won’t hold stillideas fl utter awayevery momentwe’re closer to deathideas rejoicewords rot

121

May 1, 2013

Buttress of Love

the sun off the baymist risingparasailors drifi ngmy attention is away from the traffi cand on the dreamwhat a day holy toledo

122

May 2, 2013

In St Louis

her friends are like mothsfl ying fast under a bright hot spotwe ate Ted Drewes frozen custard

123

May 3, 2013

After Drive

the curiosity exposesthe breath of a fi nalreckoningplead with all your might / heart

124

May 4, 2013

Overload

bad daypoor planningtrouble ahead

125

May 5, 2013

Frozen Idea

woman in the windowdancing a fl irt and fi lling the shadesbelow I wager my sanitylater a cold river fl ows by

126

May 6, 2013

What Really Is Writing?

they sat oppositepushed their passions toward desireI wanted to be part of itI was ready for a last wishthey soon blendedI was fl ung away and out

127

May 7, 2013

Snubbing

man and wife Chinese restaurantowners and cookstwo kidsno drive nightimeanimal come outnot one piecewhole familysudden and then all badfood reminding me of Chinesebut not too much6 7 hour drive to WhitehorseI thought it was a little longerMartha says 12I am learning

128

May 8, 2013

Whitehorse In A Land Larger Th an Life

too much toastfor this amount of breadlarge portionsoff ingredientsI hunger for unbounded restoopsdon’t say that

129

May 9, 2013

Now Hear Th is: Bounce! Bounce!

it’s a dodgy roaddips / frost heavespotholes / poorlyfi lled potholesraw asphaltgravelit reminds meI want better to bethe mountains tremendous in the distancepristine white with bulging snowir reminds me

130

May 10, 2013

On Every Piece

in Alaska it’s every man for himselfevery woman for her manthere’s a lot of noise to be hadthe nights are quietquiet like the white time before and after lifelate / it’s still light

131

May 11, 2013

Jack Sprat

she is a visiona sight that sores eyesthe mouse like color of Meredith(I must someday tell you of her)she switches cheeks / turns to glareat me and myunfocused eyesat that moment I thoughtsolid length of enna mari dont

132

May 12, 2013

Long Days

raining in Alaskalast day for meI don’t expect to returnit’s like that all over the world

133

May 13, 2013

Anchorage Airport

sad goodbye at a small airportin the rainand will I ever returnfacing real life is what I do noweverything now is hard on meI need to shed my skinbecome no oneever more so each dayuntil

134

May 14, 2013

You Know—Pine Trees etc

lots of ways to be frightenedI remember the long lost path behind the houselost now in someone else’s yardtrees I loved cut down for being wrongly placedmy house burned in a fi reman’s training exercise(my mother would die if she hadn’t already)I took a wrong turn and fancied myselfnow back on earth I weep for myself

—the lost years you know—if crying worked I’d do it for myself

135

May 15, 2013

Fire But No Mountain

others have the confi denceme I just pine for itI had it oncegone now as many have poundedmy house is burned away and I’m leftwith zilcheverywhere

136

May 16, 2013

Palatial

look at yourselfin the mirror and laughit’s worse than you thinkif you think you can thinkthe farm is goneso are you

137

May 17, 2013

Some Th ings Will Never Change

little details creeping upadding up / trying toI can go back in my headthe other way notI can tell you how it feelsbeing no onebeing some onebeing no onebeing any onewhen the little details add upthe +s and -s cancelzip as in 0

138

May 18, 2013

When Back

when I go I drivefrom place to place to placeand againalways the sameif people watched they’d cryso poor a lifethen I stop for burgersand a quarter kiddythe back to place to place to place

139

May 19, 2013

Merrimac High School 1933

looking at a photoof young eager kidsin front of their high schoolone boy is wearing tall argyle socksand fairy shoesshort pantsand he’s the shortest sitting the farthest in frontall of them are dead nowI hope their lives were worth living(for them)

140

May 20, 2013

Tell Don’t Show

they said she had a wardrobemalfunction and dozens of cameras caughtbut why tell usif you won’t show us

141

May 21, 2013

Do Tell

and when they did show it itwas just a dark shadowooocover those children’s eyes

142

May 22, 2013

Snow Part

I’ve been attracted to endingstwo people walking awaya river drainingall the timecalm hilled lawns studded with mancarved stonesbeing far away with no way to be founda just barely light before truly darkI wonder about doorsmemory that is all wordsthe ashes poets take as snowthe hatred of the most cherishedI look to myselfI wish I didn’t have to

143

May 23, 2013

Take Th e Long Way Home

do you have a mysterya story that solves it you made upyou still have the storyyou don’t have the mysteryif you have to work hard to get thereyou went a bad way

144

May 24, 2013

Beating Th e Positive Out Of Myself

this morning I visited my old tribethey called to meon stage they said my name in reverent wayssome were beautifulit was hardI wanted to be invisiblebecause I once was anything buttonight I cry for myself and my fallI just want it to be over

145

May 25, 2013

Dovely

two doves on the handrailone nestled behind the otheron a high deckhigh winds unhinging their feathersjust sitting thereall nightuntil the calm come and spooks them

146

May 26, 2013

In Th is Twilight

I watch death marchthrough the lives of birds and fi shI fi nd as Lawrence says not a singleexample of self pity when one falls dead to the groundor fl oats lifeless to the bottom of the pond

147

May 27, 2013

Starey Eyed

it’s been long predictedthat the most intimate thingswill crumple into wrinklesor refuse to comply to dreamit’s titillating thoughdespite the punsthere are places one cannotstop watching

148

May 28, 2013

Over 101

two crows chasinga pigeon to deathplucking its feathers in the airit’s smaller and can turn fasterbut the crows have numbers and speedthe pigeon looks tired

149

May 29, 2013

Wrong Page Saved

she left me puzzles of the pastbut like the crossword without the answers on another pageknowing the puzzles I know her betternot knowing the answers I know myself less

150

May 30, 2013

Dead / Tired

my touchlostsubtlety not workingstupid statements aboundcan it be stopped

151

May 31, 2013

Ma

went down to the bridge today‘n’ sat on the bench youknow over by the reverse saltboxwhen I saw her on the approachlooking off to her left & down to the waterand I watched her there for lots of timelots of timewhen she turned fi nally back toward the reverse saltboxI could see her faceso smoothopen & sad & I thoughtwhat happened to you during the long then that followedI can only askyou can only not hear

152

June 1, 2013

Times Have Come

in the pizza shop waitingI saw her walking to the cornerto wait for the walk lightblood red sleeveless topand a skirt in fl owered or cherry blossom themed printpink and light brown is what I meanwith cream white backgroundI waited until she walkedand while she waited she scratched her thigh through the skirtand when she walked things got tight all over

153

June 2, 2013

Light of a Windmill

my dreamto fade from lightwhile still breathing in happinesswrite my way into a deep sleepmake something beautiful once againfi nd justifi cation to feel bigjust once

154

June 3, 2013

Foregone Assumption

many times the people speakbut only snippets of remembered speakingemerge and it really sounds like something is happeningbut really nothing is

155

June 4, 2013

Shh

some are embarrassedwhen they approach me to do somethingthen realize I’m not who they thought I wasand all they can do is back away slowlywhile I sort-of don’t watchand then they are gone as ifnothing happened at allno / nothing

156

June 5, 2013

Damned Ego

I learned today another lessonhow little I knowhow poor my understandinghow far from my imagined peak I’d fallenI really was only a curiosity

157

June 6, 2013

Two Lines of Loop

please stop being someoneno one is waiting for you

158

June 7, 2013

Language Is Not Pretty

when arguments are examinedthe little truth / the little lies / the fi ctions / the beautiesreveal themselves ingredients to mulligan stewand all its connotations

159

June 8, 2013

Th e Truth

if you’ve read all these poemsthe last year you’ll knowthat when it comes to self-worthI’ve forgotten what it meanswhere I work has made it clear that all the achievementI thought I had is worth nothing to themand because they are a pinnacle in my fi eldworth nothing at all

it’s taken me a year to come to accept thisI am afraid to lose my job because in 2013I might never get another oneand all the unwise decisions and situations I’ve been inlike being married three timeswill come home and I’ll be on the streetI am frightened

160

June 9, 2013

Left Alone To Devices

I picture streetsI like torundown streets built centuries ago and worn showing itthen a womanin a coat too warmbut the rainparticular is how I meansome lights are yellowone or two blue like tvs behind light curtainsthe woman / her coat is unravelingthere are no elbowsleft aside from threads sproutingher facewhen you see itis blemished and fails a healthy color testin your hidden but powerful mindyou turn away from herthis is what I pictured todayhow I long itI imagine this in a part of Europetime would have preferred to ignore

161

June 10, 2013

leave

File I roadsI lovesqualid streets built centuries and shows Carriedthen a womanin a warm layerpurpose of the rainIn particular, I think,some lights are yellowone or two blue as televisions behind curtainsthe wife / coat unravelno bendsIn addition to the discussions left to germinatehis FaceWhen you seeis stained and not healthy color testhidden in your mind a powerful objectTh ey turn away from theirthis is what I photographed todayI love longI guess apart from EuropeTime I’d rather ignore

162

June 11, 2013

Either End

hard to stopbeing someone unless there is no choicethere is only one point of no choicetwo really

163

June 12, 2013

Left

it’s not just the memories that fall downit isn’t only the inaccuracy of the holdersit’s in the real world toothe rotting awaymy father made lots of thingsa couple of houses and me are all that’re remaining

164

June 13, 2013

Let Me Take You Down

years ago I played leadthen it was rhythm for a whilenow I listen

165

June 14, 2013

Puff y

see the womanbehind her smileis a big facethe sky lit upso did the boys in the gang

166

June 15, 2013

I Th ink Th e Robins Are Waiting For Me

here is the point to going home againour lives are loopswe make changeschanges make uswe explore and make thingsfar and awaythose changes thoughare undone / come undoneundo us till we weep for the person we couldn’t imaginewhen it’s over we need returnwe need all cheer us backto touch our woundsto watch outside the door as the windows become nothingthe sad guitars strum

167

June 16, 2013

As I Work at the Computer

I work hard to equalize my feelingsbut I get in the waybecause I can remember hopewhat it felt likeI remember the long walksthe dreaming comfort under pinesthe fi res burning leaves in the Fallthe bubbling little streams as snow melted in the Springgrass in Summersmell of cold falling down windows in Winterthat’s the problemtoo much memory

168

June 17, 2013

Never Stops

I believe I write wellso much practiceso much educationso much critical helpthough I do it a lotI am asin so many other thingsordinary / I stand outonly against a backdrop of inactivity and indolencesometimes I can’t workbecause I laugh so hardat my eff ort

169

June 18, 2013

Tagbody

sometimes code comes clearalgorithmic ways forward are revealedI code slowly now but rarely with misstepsI started out like thissee what I mean by loops

170

June 19, 2013

In Law

making stuff workwhen there is no one who can understand instructionsis the impossibility of life

171

June 20, 2013

Nothing But

words are one thinga string anotherwhen we wonder meaningwordsstrung togetheror out evenare ourresponsea kind of repose I supposelike this / these

172

June 21, 2013

Summer Today At Last

days are long againthe metaphor is thin againplease make it stopI crave the moist warmth of homerecall home has faded to nothingpicture itI’d like to just sit there and dissolvedid my mother feel this wayshe was weary of death when she diedI’ve never been able to picture it

173

June 22, 2013

So I Quit

when challenged I quitfi rst sign of trouble I turn awayany hint I’m to blame I blame myselfI hate being that person

174

June 23, 2013

Not Tonight, Honey

I need to hunker down and stop talkingcollect real thoughts before making some upstay close to hometo the vestto the heart of the heart of itmaybe tomorrow something prettywill happen in my head

175

June 24, 2013

Heading Backward

I have a problemwith being wrongI am regressing that waycontrol

176

June 25, 2013

Moonish

a long night starts nowa dark onehumid and warmgrower more by the hourI am dread full

177

June 26, 2013

You Can’t Fool Mother Nature

we learned to throwit was a lucky break the blind watchmakergave uswith that we could hunt from far awayfar away is good for peoplewho aside from big brains(and that throwing arm)got nothing on nobody

178

June 27, 2013

All Th e Leaves

it’s about the time Californiastarts to smell like itselflike sticky weedsand aromatic leaveslike hot black roadsa chilling breeze from the ocean at that timeI fall under its spellI fall

179

June 28, 2013

All Else

I work hard on many thingseff ort has had its eff ectsI am teasing myself toward the restthe one we crave in our hiding spiritI work with words and ideasbut as I work on I fi ndthat ideas are nothing and words allI don’t valueI mean existencethe rest of existencethe rest

180

June 29, 2013

How Far Does It Go?

being abstract means lackinginformation needed for a particular taskor to complete itto understand it thoroughlyto be able to fi nd it somewhereoutside the mindto all the words but someincompleteunfi nishedonly begunsimply nothing

181

June 30, 2013

Gotcha

meet the two greatest writers of the 21st centurytheir name is Richard P. Gabriel

182

July 1, 2013

Berlinitude

she’s in the rainforgot her coat and her dress top is lowcutraindrops raisin size plummet into her cleavagethe men across the boundary of a bar windowwatch and wonder how cold how warmhow far away this is from each of themsipping beer / game blasting

183

July 2, 2013

In Th ai

her hair was a lavendar-like purplebut she was an exotic asian to begin withshe fi shed for eyeshooks in their cornersturning against will toward her hairits too big to fi ll promise

184

July 3, 2013

More Th an We Have

the greatest writer alivelooks at the world like a batusing senses we can’t senseand with them making sense

185

July 4, 2013

Language Notes

all thought just words and snippetsn-grams links denoting commentsbut all in words / the messiest tangleyou can think of or can sayI guess

186

July 5, 2013

In Whose Woods

there were roads on our farmthrough the woodsforking here and therefor what purpose who knowsthey were clear when I was a teenagerI spent hours on those small roadsthey were mineI pictured my life and nothing like that happenednothing like what happened could be imaginedalone in every way and raised to be dumbI bluff ed my way to near the topbefore the laughing started

187

July 6, 2013

After All Nothing

I would like to fi nd a wayto sit on the deck all day readingto sit at my computer all night writingwithout wasting away into nothing so fast

188

July 7, 2013

Word Farm

I hope I visit the Atlantic smell of my home this weekmy mother had the perfect place for mebut sold it in pieces / the farmhad she not I would now be an uninteresting retiring workerfrom a small company whose work I hatedI would not be writing like thisnot on a computer but if I did writeon paper with a typewriterpeople would wonder about the recluseit would have been a choice I could not have madeinvent a way / writer / invent a way

189

July 8, 2013

Heading Away

the air I hopewill make me breath easierI have a cough that’s worse where I livebut better at homeI am heading homeas usual I am fi lled with disquietchanges make me

190

July 9, 2013

Land of Kershaw

if you follow the tracksthey’re stacked and messed in clumpsbut the faint long single tracksreveal breaks and fortressesthe heavy overlays are practice and refi nementboredom / fl ashbacks don’t workthen there’s the pro-mist

191

July 10, 2013

We’ll Make More

muggy / thunder mumbling away to the northor west andlight sprinkles came down while I atea new england lunch on a lifetimepicnic benchthen driving back to the farmeverything’s changed enough that memories can’t be mined therebut I don’t mindjust need to crank up the factoryand mint moreas the commercial always says

192

July 11, 2013

Merrimac Wet

downpour / torrentsno lightning / no clapsI got soaked stepping outside the car for 30 secondsmist and fog on windows and lensesthings have changed too much to get a reading from themthe places though have their sensenot sure which nowhere is best

193

July 12, 2013

Time Instead of Time

I can see it disappearingfalling down / rottingI fi nd imagination stronge nowthan the strength of placeas place decaysand imagination / whatstrengthens

194

July 13, 2013

Near the Beach Not On It

today we metlunch in HamptonMartin apologized for losinga few teeth since we last metI sat next to him with my bad eye towardwe talked about nothingI was sad all day after thatam sad stillDave / we don’t have forever

195

July 14, 2013

Snap

we fi gure out the forceswe determine who lives / who diesthen we give money to the wealthy/ wish them good fortune and a peaceful eveningpromise to go quietlyaway forever

196

July 15, 2013

Who’s Th e Fool Now?

I sweated all dayI pretended a cool river ran by nearI wasn’t fooled by it

197

July 16, 2013

It’s A Real Question

I hoped a cool breeze would blow upon me / but the blue was all that spreadfrom sky to riverI spent time asleepdid I wake up?

198

July 17, 2013

Possible Th at Is

I counted what seemed newor the sameand cameup short so I wondered whether some degree of changeis too much and the thing is then diff erenteven with parts / with pieces the samestill enough change to change it all upI think yes yes it is

199

July 18, 2013

Farm Lost

where I oncecould wander a space of integritynow it’s all chopped up and nothing recognizableI think it’s timeto retreat to memory and fancy

200

July 19, 2013

When You Don’t Reserve

we are sleeping cheapLee Vining’s leastat least it’s a bedtoo small for twopeople’s bags

201

July 20, 2013

Susanville

bad case of sleepinesshad to nap twice today on the hot roadwe are ready to sleep and get backhome or something like it104 degrees our car told us

202

July 21, 2013

Driving Home

moon just up / light fl oods the valley belowlight from the sun but the other wayit might be lighting a woman I could loveI was driving byon a highwayand the valley was down to the leftthe side I don’t see so well onbut I might have seen a woman therein refl ected lightlight the righteous denies

203

July 22, 2013

Crap I Am

worthlessness is all I haveI claim it with gustoI count the minutes

204

July 23, 2013

High / Rise

I was thinking about a woman todayshe was walking / in my thoughtsdown a lit sidewalk in Bostona sidewalk lit yellow by streetlights at nightyou know / the way they look in TV showslike Rizzoli & Isles / and I’m upon the 11th fl oor of a highrise hotelI really can’t see herI really can’t think about herI can see only her shadow passing under the streetlightsas its angle changesall I saw was changesthat’s what I was thinking about that woman today

205

July 24, 2013

Rejection Amoré

I had a good idea for a poem tonightbut things are heavyI decided to switch fromworld’s most famous third rate computer scientist tonot a bad computer scientist from Pentucket

206

July 25, 2013

Prayer 63

my wishto work on thinking alone and away from everyonefor yearsto live where no one knows or cares who I am andto beunseen / unknownjust read

207

July 26, 2013

Ungood

knawed from the insideI want to fi nd a way outI self-destructagainmy talents are strong but unwantedalways on the way back down

208

July 27, 2013

Etherized On A Table

this city seems designed by insectsnothing is squarehouses are piles on pilesno one it seemscan live herereallythey say Dick Gabriel doesI say notpossibleor where is he I thinkwhat did he do Ionce knew I thinkwelllet’s explore and maybesomething’s goodto eat herewould make it worth whileto be here

209

July 28, 2013

SomeNoBody

here at the writers’ conferenceI want to be excited and ready to goI want to feel writing in my veinsinstead I stare w/ gloom at the fl oordread the interactionssit alone when poss…eat apartget a room sans matesno one likes to be alonewith me they are

210

July 29, 2013

Finally A Smile

star of the readingsthey saidleave something for ustonight was prosebefore fi ctionbefore poetrythe rhythms the sounds the imagesthe storyyou have it all

211

July 30, 2013

Cold And Snow In Th e Hague

she is standing on a footbridgewinter over a river in the harshlanguage part of Europenight time and a few fl akesI have tried to call herI am far awaybut she has looked at the phone and seen it’s meshe’s thrown the phone into the riverharsh language

212

July 31, 2013

Partners For Life

we fi nd our other from among those alivethis works because god has planned our matesbecause we choose as best we canor because there is less variety than we believesome of us need a few goes to get it

213

August 1, 2013

Avalanche

from this high windowif I were to look out behind meto another high window that is partof an apartment blockI’d see a woman with red hair in a green dresslooking my waywith blocks between usand the windows all around blue with offi ce lightsomewhere to the West the sun would be nearly downI fear many thoughts

214

August 2, 2013

Pray For Me

I fell / I fellJesus I fellhard for herbut soon she’s goneand forever will take care of it

215

August 3, 2013

Losing Is Easy

I waved she smiled a wisp and turnedthe morning we all leftshe had to hurry to make her cabI had nothing else to doso I watched&watched her simple walkingand on the other side of herI imagined her wispsmile dropping like dried leavesinto a sad refrainI hoped her hope was draining at the thoughtbut she never stopped / never turned backher smile stayed as it always hadsprinklers started upworkers began workI am left with this little keyboard and its small set of lettersa sad song plays / my head its lossless fi leloss / yes that’s what it is / loss

216

August 4, 2013

Imagine How Dead I Am

after all thatI dreamt my boss was crying in his offi cebecause how bad I was at my jobwas going to rub off on his careerI told him if that seemed likely I’d quitwhen he asked why I would do that for him I saidbecause I suck

217

August 5, 2013

Loathing And All Th at

I want you to know how lonely it isto know you’ve hit the bottombut the bottom has a basementand maybe things even lowerthis situation stinks like a cheap skunk

218

August 6, 2013

Failure

many places to watch a city at nightways to imagine the colors of lights as people relaxwatch tv / check email / work on hard cases / clean up after the affl uentcars with lights telling which waygreat shows present the helicopter viewthe downlooking viewthe strafi ng viewthe canyon viewcomputers invent new onesfi lter and photoshop amplify moodI read that all stories and music are about moodeverything’s about moodmine is like the city during a powerfailure

219

August 7, 2013

Dread

feels wrongfeels like a storm coming everywhereI feel the fear below and abovethere is a trap somewhere for me

220

August 8, 2013

Feeble Willed

I am driven to sickness from ill at ease and fearI back off my statements until they are apologiesI sometimes look back down the corridorI count the people who do not say hitoday I was sickmy mother was right

221

August 9, 2013

Two Page Story

it felt like yesterdaythat Joanne Dianne Ruth and Donnawere walking past our old pond in winterwere talking about our genitalswe all being around 10years old and sassyhalf a century later it’s a vivid imagelike one page after the fi rst had turned

222

August 10, 2013

Who Likes Endings? Not Me

a pretty scenefar away and forgotten but for pix & tripsbored I trekthe sensor on my new camlikes blue moreI won’t say what thanI guess blue’s hardtoo much shows off I’d lay down the last timethat pretty scenesure would

223

August 11, 2013

Stop I Say

a lovely woman lives in northern Europeshe cannot say a word to meshe drinks / eats superblydresses in long scarves and nonlinear skirtsher thoughts are formed in ways surreal to memy impression is a jumblecold is all I recallI never met herI’ve read we’d be perfectbut I think I wrote thather name doesn’t match her red hairI think it’s artifi cialI spent hours fi ddling with that colorand the spelling of her nameI was not coordinated enough to do both so each driftedI watched her walk away down a dark street in northern Europeone cold night when the snow was a thingthat was the closest I came to punctuation that year

224

August 12, 2013

See You On Th e Page

I’ve decided to live the rest of my life on pagesthe places I want to remember are all gone nowin my head I guessto make them real I need to write themseems like a thing a writer could doshould dobesidesI don’t live in the world well any more

225

August 13, 2013

A Pancake Th ing

on the other banka warm late summer nightapartments across litI can see no onethe feeling’s mutual

226

August 14, 2013

Hopi

I was standing on the mesaon a street just at its edgebehind me a kivathe ladder coming up out of itbelow I could seejust barelymen digging a deep long thin holeand beside themmaybe fi fteen feet awaya thin long burlapped shapetied roughly with thick ropeman shapeI heard someone say it a burial and I watchedas the men took turnsdigging / sitting / smoking / eatingthe day wore awayas everything must

227

August 15, 2013

At the Poem Store and Grill

I pausedin front of a displayof varied rockssizes / colorslabel told important infoI ignore things like thatI was attracted to a grey lumpsomeone mutteredso was your mother

228

August 16, 2013

Me Like

pick a place—an urban placepick a streetpick a buildingpick an apartmentput me in it there at night and tell no one but me about itmaybe fi nd a woman who has alsogiven completely and utterlyup

229

August 17, 2013

Silly Th oughts On Th e Floor

words aren’t sharpdeclarative sentences are boringbore into your headcreating holesyour mind dripout

230

August 18, 2013

Pentucket Success Story Or Feeble Minded Boy Makes OK

of all the kids in high school I did pretty wellmy mother believed I was feeble minded or unable to focusso she did my homework for me until collegewhen the PhD didn’t happen in the three years I predictedshe concluded I lied about itshe saw I didn’t get into the best schools until Stanfordso that must be a lie toobut I did oknot greatok

231

August 19, 2013

Loath To Loathe

today I learned how big an insultit was to ask me to hack the system they demanded I hackthis is how I would encourage people to quitis it possible to starve these days?

232

August 20, 2013

My Yearly Walk

I used to walk to their gravesiteat my family’s cemeteryI didn’t know whether my parents were aliveI understood so little of themthat I thought I would learn whether oneor bothhad died this wayI didn’t realizewhat death meantto them

233

August 21, 2013

I Suspect

these days I fi ndit hard to fi ndsomething I’ve done rightsomething’s really happening to meor being done to meby me

234

August 22, 2013

Silent Auction

I spent big moneyto be stepped on hardmy self-image that ismy egoconfi dencefor about the sameI could have hireda sweet dominatrix

235

August 23, 2013

Foo On Me

my days are all disappointmentsI need to change or disappear more skillfullyevery day I curse myselffor some dumbnessyesterday I learned I can’t writeworth a hill

236

August 24, 2013

Templates

I work hard but don’t publicize my progressthis is the problem

237

August 25, 2013

Fortune

sometimes the wind knows bestit comes from afarit drifts awaywhen you consider itnothing is therethat you can seeonly feelfeel like a breezeworry like a breeze

238

August 26, 2013

Some Time For A Bridge

when the bridge is newas it hasn’t been for a centurywill I be fi nishedor renewed myself

239

August 27, 2013

Last Months

it feels later like I do nothingbut I am always workingI need better notesor memory

240

August 28, 2013

Maybe I Can Quit Soon

I fi nd it hard to believethe mess I am inwhen it comes to workand how poorly I fi t in thereit is not my placeI hate it there

241

August 29, 2013

What YH Said

Google co-founder Sergey Brin and his wife are dwelling separated amid allegationsthat he has “become romantically involved” with a Google employee, according to an AllTh ingsD write-up sure to commit shockwaves throughout Silicon Valley.

While this is mostly a lamentable grammatical-category billet, the news introducesmussy business ramifi cations for Brin and the Mountain View search heavyweight.Th e redoubtable tech issue’s fi b is grounded on nameless authorsand could not directly be sweared to by Th e Chronicle.

Th e corporal domain in and out of Silicon Valley defends adulterous kinships,but entanglements with underlings are frowned upon because they can raiselegal indebtednesses for the patronages or aff ect the work aura.

242

August 30, 2013

In Real Life

I was walking one side of the rivershe the otherwe lived for years togetheras I wrote of it latershe forgot I was forgottenI mean she hardly noticedI built my life on her hairand odd little stepwe crossed the bridge butshe was intent on the fl owand I herin my story she was funnyand liked sex

243

August 31, 2013

More Th an

misery among the turning leavesturningleavingeveryone who doubted mewas righttotally

244

September 1, 2013

Rocks Bridge

in one month the bridge opensit will never be the sameit will be young when I want it to be oldI want it to know how I feelit won’tit can’t

245

September 2, 2013

Snow What??

Whose forests these are—I ring, I cut.His fi rm is in the village though;He will not see me pause hereTo infl uence his forest And drive up with shock.

My little horse must call it curiousTo be free without a farmhouse nearBetween the forest and frozen lakeTh e darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a fi ghtTo ask if there is some fl aw.Th e only other sound is the crossOf gentle touch and fl uff y fi ght.

Th e forest are lovely, blue and secret.But I have hopes to suff erAnd michigans to go before I sleep,And michigans to go before I sleep.

246

September 3, 2013

It Makes Me Th ink

I am standing at a windowof an urban glass buildinghigh above a big city’s streets and lights the play at nightin my head a soundtrack plays for what I seeand don’t often feelone day everything will be overnext to not speaking but looking outis the woman with red hair who never speaksI have loved her in fi ction but instead I think of the poem this computer wrote imitating Frost.

Whose wood these are I telephone; I love.His mark is in liquidation though;He will not see me chip hereTo clear his woods not so clear up fi lled with snow.

My soft clam must mean it not so evenTo chip without a farmhouse nearBetween the wood and icy lakeTh e darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a fi ghtTo lead if there is some break.Th e only other not very quiet piece is the knotOf light wind and soft chipping.

Th e wood are lovely, not too light and heavy.But I have promises to not sin so muchAnd miles to go before I not really wake,And to go before I not so wake.

247

September 4, 2013

Woe Whoa

how to explain to someone not that technicalwhy a complex program takes time to runmaybe brights have something

248

September 5, 2013

Small Everything

I had a small victory todaybut my boss’s boss needs to be the center of attentionand rather than look at detailsshe pushed the conversation to fl uff

249

September 6, 2013

Who To’ You?

I am writing a programthat will one day replace methe writing part that isyou think I’m kidding

250

September 7, 2013

Moon Doggie

as they say in the comicsI’m fed upwith looking goodI want to be good againbut it’s hard to remember

251

September 8, 2013

Tasty Tales

it’s the kind of story no one can understandnot for too little thinkingor too little to think withbut for the gaps that admit too many pathsand how hard it is to ignorethe most interestingfor how unlikely they arebut how tasty

252

September 9, 2013

Yh Risen

fun over / back to helltry to fi gure out a system I care little forwritten a modern way but I don’t care about itsomeday soon I’ll sit by the riverwatch my life a drop of watersky a color I can’t see but my camera canI think I can make my program really work

253

September 10, 2013

Here I Go!

I am here and hackingwork is all I doI need to stop and restbut whenthis can be compared to not ridingin a Spa

254

September 11, 2013

11

it was a bad dayeven the poets stopped writingdeferring to authorities and doctorswe will forget those peopleand all who died unless the poetsregain their lights

255

September 12, 2013

Constraints

the water looks so bluetechniques in the photo shoppictures through polarizersreality looks reallooks realizeprogramming with numbers is funbecause nothing can be expected

256

September 13, 2013

Coop

our little coop had asphalt sidesroofi ng stuff but on the sideson the roof tooa chickenwired in part for night and safetybut a door to the open yardit’s in my mind nowthough and I’m afraid of it all going

257

September 14, 2013

Honor Is Like Th is All Over Th e World

and so I watched as Robert and Jimmy listenedto Heart sing their hard ballad and I thoughtof their tight pants and angerHeart so refi nedthen the refi ned little bandthen the refi ned backup singersthen the refi ned little orchestrathen the youth chorusand old guys teared uptheir wives looked like matronsthey looked like old British gentlemenwhose anger ran like juice down their legs

258

September 15, 2013

Disengaging

I need to disengage from seeingme as themit makes me heartsickwanting things to go well is fi nebut hating myself when they don’t is notgrow up

259

September 16, 2013

Fall In NE

leaves starting to blow down roadsclouds settling in lowerwarmth persisting lessthe sun lowering toward wintertwilight more noticeable

…longer…feeling of home deeper in the cheststones standing outthe time when ends clear up

260

September 17, 2013

But Th at’s What It’s For

stuff ’s all broken againhard to take it allI hate to complain through poetry

261

September 18, 2013

Flow Crazy

far away a river worksto the seahesitates / it waitslittle by littleit drainswatch

262

September 19, 2013

Obvious Long

people fi nd their ways herethey sing but quietly to their inside earsthey stop to eat where the food is not healthybut joyful / they stop to say prayersfor those who died and whom they miss but don’t knowtheir eyes see blue diff erentlyand a green tooI wanted to walk across with thembut my feet are not near the groundmy hands cannot typemy eyes are shackledI will fi nd my way there

263

September 20, 2013

Others

my memories saythat there is someonewho passed quite nearwho would have donenear as well as any

264

September 21, 2013

Splat

my heartsinks with everybug I fi nd

265

September 22, 2013

Most Important Problem

I make progresstext looks goodlots of tweaking can make it betterI’m talking about a program to do the writing

266

September 23, 2013

Reminds Me Of

fi xing fi xing fi xingkeep those bug lists listingkeep those bugses rollingbuglistdon’t try to understand 'emjust fi nd crack and hack themetc

267

September 24, 2013

Overly

not a moment of relaxingsoon I will need to pass awayI needs things to be fi nished

268

September 25, 2013

Almost Like Greek

the woodwind instruments are lovely, tenebrious, and grumosehe only other headphone is the hybridizeof unconstipated soupcon and downy bit

269

September 26, 2013

Green Metal Bridge

I wrote this yesterdaywhen head back and all hurtI’ve been to Skip’sor something bad happenedpast and futurewhat’s the diff

270

September 27, 2013

RVB Sneak Peek

the bridge is clean and modernin places and agéd elsewhereI wonder how my love for it will evolvethe new partsthe old partswhich

271

September 28, 2013

Last Quiet Night Th ere

on the bridge tonight with the ladies out thereI am noticed for the fi rst time in a whilethe lights are too yellowand correcting the light in photoshop takes and extremeit would be nice to just be pleasantlike Elwood P

272

September 29, 2013

Historic I’d Say

walking the bridgetalking with allyou’re Richard from Californiahistory / prognosisthen we cut the ribbon twice times two (two scissorstwo cuts two people two times)then the headman who wanted to go homesaid let’s open it up for the fi rst timeand we didI did with them

273

September 30, 2013

Details Small and Silly

funny how something so simplebecomes importanta favorite sweatshirt lost to RVB green paintsaddened I wept a bitthen ordered replacementsthis is importantjust the little details

274

October 1, 2013

Revisited

the road has calmed downthe water which once fl owed high is now downlow where it always should beI crossed the bridge three times and felt the little shakes underneathI want to go homemy only questionwhere is it

275

October 2, 2013

Stiff Th inking

leaving’s not easythis time / too many things that might not returnthen bridge seemed ready to accept its loadsthe river kept sawing awaythe water water was clear and uneventfulit was warm in a way autumnsaren’t hereI was sad to see them and her go

276

October 3, 2013

Pruneyard

as we learn we prune and repairit’s simple but hardquality comes from this stepand all the earlier oneslike a circle that picks itself up by its end(where’s that?)and fl ies

277

October 4, 2013

Up Too Late

up too late againtoo much to watch and dotired and scared as usualslowing understanding my project

278

October 5, 2013

Th e Mystery of Big

the code is a mysteryI understand it by studying it like natureI act the scientistthere are no bugs in my codethere is nothing but bugs in my code

279

October 6, 2013

Simple Dream

I miss the freedom to dreamall there is iswork work workI want to livebefore I haveto die

280

October 7, 2013

Bridging

the bridge of coursenever stops workingwork for it is just hunkering theredoing nothing but doingit strongall the timenothing like moving forwardor resisting being pushed back

281

October 8, 2013

Tonight Some More

such a hard messneed to packneed to hack

282

October 9, 2013

Lazy Bum—Maybe

a simple parser would work welllike a bunch of patterns sitting thereI don’t feel lazy but what I accomplishis limited or hemmed inI parcel my eff ort poorly

283

October 10, 2013

To Shine

some thought it was fi neanother was puzzled and criticalused to creative science?maybe not

284

October 11, 2013

Too Bad

there is a long trip todayif this is the next to last thing you read by meI didn’t make

285

October 12, 2013

So Sad

today in a countryrain and cold maybeor a delightor fearthe old worldwill beautiful women greet me here

286

October 13, 2013

Did I Mention No Cares?

women in tight skirtsblack leggingscotton heavy coatsa bitter dayfor cold and rememberingbeen here beforesomething warm in north

287

October 14, 2013

Zoo Gardens

today the animalsback in agony but ok nowreading a novel slowlythe air made the light light

288

October 15, 2013

Potsdam @ Night

cold and rainwalking down wet streets in the darkshop windows closed to traffi cnot eyesI lay awake in awe

289

October 16, 2013

A Surprise In Potsdam

they all died in 1946 or 1947they were all Soviet militaryburied under ivy in Potsdamit was written on a large Soviet obeliskthat their sacrifi ce accomplished somethingI wondered what / and at the very endperhaps they did too

290

October 17, 2013

On Museum Island

the museums were too bigcontained exhibits too oldcities that lived too longI was tired and everything achedtalk about too

291

October 18, 2013

A Day When Berlin Does Not Defeat Me

talk ok all thatsome hated it who caresI made my points strong and got a solidA from Dave westI wish my life were every dayas nice as todayaside from the fatigue that drops me into bedlike fl ax before a scythe

292

October 19, 2013

Th e Question

yellow and orange daywarm in the cold part of Germanywalking down streets they arehow can you tell they are prettyfrom behind

293

October 20, 2013

Going Home

way back / I hope we dothen quick repack and off againone day rest / sleep / early departthis is the end for a while

294

October 21, 2013

Blue Ribbons

running red lights through Berlinon the way to a proper dateanticipation has no equal tonighthow many shades of dark I passedcannot be counteda new physics is needed for themI met herthe woman whose hair is blue ribbons

295

October 22, 2013

Lady We All Know

sitting in an old roompretty girl bobs her headso many sway & swing with joyI’m listening to a recordingof emotion in the airvibrating like a tin balloonshe extends her rangesmiles and tears upI fade into the last wing of reverberation

296

October 23, 2013

PLoP Opportunity

a lively womanolder but drivenshe is not a honeyshe informsshe enriches with passionI enjoy her

297

October 24, 2013

Desperation

never who I amI remain the last vestige of myselfpray I drop the pretensepray I listen to the voice backthere urging fadedrop into the shadows whydon’t you and let melive among the living

298

October 25, 2013

From a Long Time Ago

so she strippedand we roamed the lightlypeopled hillsideand then we stopped to resther hand went therestayed and bucked

299

October 26, 2013

My Life

I of course wasonce oneof the important oneswith importantthings to say nowI’m used to beI wish for a cellto live out on

300

October 27, 2013

Th e First Shall Last

she is the homeliestgirl ever from Romaniatonight she stopped my heartwalking pastthen stopped to turnkicked it backfor good measure

301

October 28, 2013

Dream Work

my only life is in dreamsand then not every nightreal love and real livingnot that the awake things are wrong or badjust the sleep ones work betterbecause I am thereyoung and aliveand hereold and dying

302

October 29, 2013

Unlookers

lots of them walk down the streetthey used to look

303

October 30, 2013

When It Happens We Cry For Ourselves

today our remaining iguana diedLu / friend and companion of Cidwho died fi ve years agohe had no self pityhe died quietly on his heating padcovered in a warm shirt with a warmingbag of rice beside himit was a day he would have enjoyed outsidelate October but bright sun / warmJo sat with him for fi ve hours while he dozed and then diedshe talked to himcaressed himcried over him and his passinghe was 23 years oldwe cried as we took him to the vet’sto be cremated and returned to usto sit in a box by Cidjust an iguanabut sweet as any onein our lives

304

October 31, 2013

Th is Is Th e Moment

some say it was a drizzly daycold / low cloudssome say it was a long laborI don’t recall itsome say it was bad luck that I popped outI can’t contest itdecades later we come to thiswitness to many deathsmore to come

305

November 1, 2013

Ecstasy

this is a night of painlike many othersbut with a pleasure made from itmystery makes us

306

November 2, 2013

Place to Go

time of year for leaves on the grounddarkening as the trees lightenwhen you pick princess pine for wreathsit’s the time of year I imagined would be my endmy favorite time because elaborate twilighteven then I knew sadness was beautyhence a joy

307

November 3, 2013

Th rough Sex

really quite unpleasantto spend a day away from the bridgewhen the seasons are changingand soon the white will fall before itcovering the world in silence and lazinesswhere heavy quilts are life

308

November 4, 2013

No Diff erence

lots of reasons to cryto fend off the pastmemories pound on the doorsmy heart is beating softlyeverything about me as fl esh is overmy mind purrs but with sad notesthrown in / this all was never imaginedinstead then when I laughedI saw only a curtain hereI cried thenI cry now

309

November 5, 2013

Th e Truth

people suff ering makespandas sad

310

November 6, 2013

Er

dislocated shoulderkind offrom operating the trackball too muchwhat a hack-er

311

November 7, 2013

Lu

the house is quietone of us is gonethe smallestbut still missed

312

November 8, 2013

Same No

the bridge now doesn’t wigglesolid and kinda newin places where the old was creepingdoesn’t feel the samedoesn’t feel like a pastfeels like the next 100 yearsdown in the water the old pier still rotssomething about that

313

November 9, 2013

Across the Sky

imagine me goneyou might drive the roads I repeatedthe bridges / the still places where no one walkssometimes the leaves will make mistakessometimes the colors will under your controlno one will speak to youyou might wonder where I wentI’ve been there beforeit’s the place of ever stoneno one meets no one thereit’s grassy and a river ruts through itthere I’m helpless

314

November 10, 2013

Jump

right now this all seems importantthese wordsour lovesour lives evenone day all this will be goneand we’ll have the jump

315

November 11, 2013

Just Over and Over

it all smells betterthe air is fl uidthe grass permeatesI love the trees and woodspeople are strange but I don’ttalk to them muchI like to drive around and aroundI just lookthe river comes and goesthey made the bridge strongerbut I liked it brokenI want to be there

316

November 12, 2013

Helpless Was My Inspiration

when I write my last poemit will begin like thisthere is a town up northwhere rivers can’t make up their mindswhere bridges are greenwhere nobody became somebody became nobody againand all the words are simpleall the melodiesall the loves that never happeneddreams too yes dreamstoo

317

November 13, 2013

Why Now

I really hate everythingso hard to liveI want to sleep and forget

318

November 14, 2013

Which?

old womangrandmawrinkles and sagsbowed legs / slow walkinghard of hearingslurred speechnude by her mirror

young womannubilesmooth and tightlong and straight legs / decent bouncehears whispersspeaks in charmsnude by her mirror

319

November 15, 2013

Spaghetti

too many things need clarity in the codetoo interested in new functionality to fi x all those problemsthings will get worse before better

320

November 16, 2013

Hard Code

code fi xed but it needs more testingtoday I made a breakthrough in specifying meaningby using a sort of gravity metaphorwhat a waste of time to code so much

321

November 17, 2013

Who Knew?

too many washed awayor upordinary scenes hold meaning for commona thought is just a triggerthen memory fi lls the ditches

322

November 18, 2013

In My Arms

this time of yearback homethis time of dayI’d be lying down on the couchwatching a poor tv with my fi ngers pressed togetherforming a heat lensthe dark would hold the entire road passing through our farmI didn’t know any storiesI think I was blindthe little sun behind oaks and pines to the Westseemed important / instead it went downonce in a while I’d walk down the road to the end of the farmor run it / I dreamed my life awayit would be heaven now for mebut my hating mother gave it all awayin my mind

323

November 19, 2013

Sheesh

what passes for beauty todayis simply lovehow else to explain all the uglinessin submitted photos

324

November 20, 2013

We Were

where was I?at a pep rally for the Sachemswe were sent home early on busesmy mother let me draw a picture of the supposed killerand shoot at it with my bb gunin the livingthat’s how upset

325

November 21, 2013

I Fear

a cold wind blows down the roadice forms on brancheswhat’s left of leaves are skipping through woodsand down roadsand toward streams and a riverthe path we all take

326

November 22, 2013

When JFK

we remembered the day50 years ago / when all was innocentnot so innocent nowall knows to killall sees to hateif there be end timesthey be soon

327

November 23, 2013

In a Cold Country Wings Beat Slow

the pretty things are sad thingschanges are close and by being closethey make us cry and look to women for comfortthe repeats beat us up and we recant our happinessI can’t help falling for you and your swayyour voice is soft near my head and I hear the songthe words fall / the melody falls / we all fall

328

November 24, 2013

Blue Lights on Brown Water

the night makes allbeautiful and stillmakes light seem spikedlanguid water as I look slowlyforms a mirror for blue lightswhen I’m gone many nightslike this will pass by those who careto watch / my thoughtswhat are they really

329

November 25, 2013

Finding Th e River

I sit hereI write and it feels like nothingI am afraid of a darkframing the edges of my windowsI am surroundedabove big birds fl y bythe jumble I feel is under my skinand it’s real

330

November 26, 2013

Anything to Write

in the other room the writershave fi nished and they are busy erasingall and only the bad parts while we in this roomwait to see whether there will beanything to read

331

November 27, 2013

Truly Mad

my head’s a sad song playing over and overin the vision behind the song a womanis accepting a bottle of Chanel N˚ 5and I am smiling back at her

332

November 28, 2013

With Boston Nana and Mike

Th anksgiving days in South Bostonthe oil stove hot all day and a dry turkey placed on the tablecrammed into the sitting / bedroombrazil nuts on the table in a bowlb&w tv on but nothing to watchhow broken the families in that room wereall of them were mineI walked from room to room hoping to fi nd something to dosometimes I’d sleep on one bed or another oneminutes passed as slow as they couldthe conversations were all brokenEnglish and other languages and the topics were fl atquestions come to mind nownot then

333

November 29, 2013

Who Says I Was Th e Worst?

the nights playingthinking I was great when I wasn’teven good but I was the bestin the band / they said Icarried the bandhow funny till you realizerelativity

334

November 30, 2013

All Same

every night we’d argue a bit while eatingthen maybe make up with make outa walk / to a stream or small fi eldthen she’d head to the arena or rodeo groundsor county fair grounds or a big auditoriumto sing with her loud band that straddledcountry and 80’s rock / I’d read or scribble a littlethen she’d come bed and cry a hour into her sleepas our bus crept backroads from one Kansas townto the same place

335

December 1, 2013

Strict Question

picture the best womantell me her meaningnot to younot to himher meaning

336

December 2, 2013

How Do I Look?

planning for deathonly a possibilitybut large enough oddswe need our plan nowreminds me of Emily

337

December 3, 2013

And I?

she’s just backfrom tending her children’s gravesfi rst warm day of the springlate spring and the warmth suddenraking away fallen twigs and leaveswith her shortnailed fi ngerswashing dirt splatter from heavy rains and snowfallon the stones I shapedcleaning each letter groove I carvedtouching each shapeeach year it takes all dayshe will wash her body and hairand prepare to live one more year

338

December 4, 2013

Positive

when I look out the window at nightwhile writing and refl ectingmemories are the small silencesat the marginsin the cornersor is it refl ection

339

December 5, 2013

I Love You So

last night they were dredging the riverhauling away the soaked earth and debris to a small valleythe dredgings were piled in the riverthe roads impacted with mudI decided to walk the bridgeand the current was so strongthe bridge twisted on a pivotand then the bed turned over and I was in the waterunder the waterbad things happened thenand only a nightmare you might say

340

December 6, 2013

Truth and Pray

heavy rain and hard thinkingmy gut revoltsI need rest to get past this fogI need to stay inside myself

341

December 7, 2013

Late & Tired

giving up on being rightcompletejust hacking by now

342

December 8, 2013

Sometime

this year I took down my imagedismantled it piece by pieceI don’t see myself as anyone everimportant / don’t see contributionsjust a dilettantemy mother knew itheld herself back from saying itsometimes

343

December 9, 2013

On A Day

spent today refl ecting on failurea common thread for meI’ve come to grips with itit has wontomorrow I’ll spend the day alone some more

344

December 10, 2013

Where’d She Go?

she’s downstairswaiting for me to come bringher up to my roomyou know what will happen thenso insteadI think it overand oversoon the ferris wheel and tv towerlure my eyes then my dreamsthen it’s morning

345

December 11, 2013

Didn’t

the front desksaid she criedafter a whileshe wouldn’t call upshe knew I knewregret / who wants it?we would have been warmbut all the rest were tears

346

December 12, 2013

After A Tail

I saw her from the windowhigh hotel windowbut her walk stood her outshe walked to the harborI’ll betwhere she stopped for a drinka hot onethe northern airyou know

347

December 13, 2013

By It

fi nd my river and make a place by itI’ll sit there with you as long as you liveas long as I livemaybe longer

348

December 14, 2013

I Never Progressed

I of coursework all day mistakesand all andfi x them one by oneat night and soonI hopethat’ll all be done withdone fordone done

349

December 15, 2013

Like North

a cold late afternoonwinterthe sun is very lowlight fl oats above a little dipwith a creek fl owing down through itthis reminds me of the passing of my life

350

December 16, 2013

As Someone Once Said

imaginewe had our own small roads on the farmnot manynot longbut enough to walk downto pretend to exploreI have wasted my life

351

December 17, 2013

Pine Winds

the thing about tall pinesthe wind blowing high throughthem signals a need for warmthno other sound doesmakes you want to drop into a bedof needles fl oating like pillow beneath themthey provide everythingthe smell of pinesap like a pancake from homeit’s a whistling not a rattle or a shakea smooth soundlike life passing bywhile we forget to notice

352

December 18, 2013

Another One Of

all this thoughtand no wordshacking until late again

353

December 19, 2013

At Th e Restaurant

she was nothing specialaside from lush mouse blonde hairand a red + black fl owered dress fi tas snug as I would snuggle her each nightthat hung still in the air as she walkedand the roomed gyrated around her

354

December 20, 2013

Magic Mute

the darkest woman of the argumentsays the world is all impure and dumbher argument is in the interruption thoughthe only other harm is the noiseof mad soul and hairy dreadbut I have souls to hit

355

December 21, 2013

Milton’s Maybe

as queens they ruleabove all / yetwhen the clock ticks pastthey suff er as all

356

December 22, 2013

Kurkjian or Me

forty years agomarriage on the horizonin fact the next dayit all seemed realnow I know it wasn’tbut no one escapes the storythey’re in

357

December 23, 2013

A Bird In Flight

40 years ago I married onceI remember the night we spentthe song my father played on the organthe friends gathered who all thought it was greatit took me almost 30 years to learnthe mistake I madeto think I was speciala dumb farm kid

358

December 24, 2013

Witted

aloneI learned to love what was around menot peoplethe land and the stories I found thereI remember some boulders in our woodsstreamsI remember them fl owing quick toward awayI cry for that place each nightmore so than for lovethe placeit’s always about the place

359

December 25, 2013

As Time Goes By

hole up and pass beyond viewjust work on my small thingspeople look away welcomedno one visitsonly the smallest talka last whisper

360

December 26, 2013

She Be

sparkling darlingshe happy when none elsespilling along the baydistracted people watchdistractedlyit’s her skirt they say loudlyto themselvesresume living

361

December 27, 2013

Me Milton and Walt

somewhere echoesof signifi cant timeslinger and bubble to the surfacesof men’s minds

somewhere cheeksof real darkspurge and creep to the boundsof mens’ fi ghts

somewhere spotsof chaste strainselate and clear to the openingsin mens’ minds

362

December 28, 2013

Russian Saying

we fi nd ourselvesone daytucked away by the trashwe crawl away into forgotten

363

December 29, 2013

Fat Chances

tonight the warm air is somewhere elsethe skies darken as usual but with a glaremy mind wanders and I need to move moreI want her to volunteer because askingquickly turns to coercion

364

December 30, 2013

All Along Th e Line

bridges built when I was youngare being torn down now for lack of stabilityan article I read when I was 15 has been scanned onlineand is all yellowed and brownbad paper maybeI was much earlier than all thosenow what?

365

December 31, 2013

Singer Of Its Song

this year I took a sledgehammer to myselfto my self imageso that all the bad things people say and dowouldn’t seem so foreign and thereforewould seem tameit workedI workedhard all year but left much undonein inelegant waysit all makes me sadmakes we want to lie down by the bridgebecome a singer of its song