a kiss for papa

8/3/2019 A Kiss For Papa

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A Kiss For Papa

A tragicomedy in three acts

by Riley Hamilton


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Characters

PAPA

an old man.

NIGEL

a fun butler.

MR. KISSY

the leader ghoul.

BUMPA

the sassy ghoul.

TWOTOO

the good-hearted ghoul.


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ACT I

SCENE ONE

An old man, PAPA, is sleeping while a storm is raging outside. He is tossing in his gigantic bed,

muttering, in the throes of sleep. As thunder follows a bright lightning strike, a butler, NIGEL,

enters the room, ringing a bell.

NIGEL: Urgent phone call for you, Papa.

PAPA: (Groggy and startled.) Oh my goodness. What time is it?

NIGEL: Three am, Papa. The witching hour.

PAPA: The only witch is the woman who gave birth to you, Nigel.NIGEL: (Giggling slightly.) I appreciate your humor at this hour, Papa. The phone call is your

sister in Spain. She says its urgent.

PAPA: (Grabs for the phone and holds it to his pajamas.) Everything is urgent with her.

NIGEL: You know I pee when you make me laugh too hard, Papa.

PAPA: (Screaming angrily.) Thats why you wear your diapers! (Lightning and thunder strike

simultaneously. PAPA puts the phone to his ear.) Hello, Margaret. Oh my goodness. A cab

driver held you hostage, eh? Called you a filthy name? Well, Margaret, as much as I appreciate

you calling and telling me this, it is the witching hour here. (NIGEL holds his crotch to keep from

peeing.) Yes, the witching hour. When ghouls come out to play. Yes, and ghosts and goblins! Im

feeling ill, Margaret. Can I call you in the morning? Okay, dear, tata for now. (Hangs up.) Nigel, Idont know what to do with such a silly sister.

NIGEL: What we do with silly sisters in my country, Papa, is tie them up against a pole and tickle

they feet until all the sillies come out.

PAPA: A very funny anecdote, Nigel.

NIGEL: (Singing.) Nicies from you make my heart sing.

PAPA: Pipe down, youll wake the neighbors!

NIGEL: No neighbors for a mile, Papa. Just the ghosts at this hour.

PAPA: If only I could join them in death so I wouldnt have to hear that singing voice.

NIGEL: You never going to die, Papa.

PAPA: Away with you now, Nigel. I need an old mans rest.

NIGEL: (Reciting something from his youth.)A funny man with a good heart, can stop the world

and make it start.

PAPA: (Hurrying him along.) Yes, yes. Ive heard it.

NIGEL: (Begins to leave and then sticks his head back in the door.) Oh and by the way, Papa. I

dont forget that its your birthday tomorrow.

(Lightning strikes again as PAPA sits nervous in bed. He makes a concerted effort to get

comfortable and then remains motionless for a few moments. But soon PAPA takes a free trip to


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Dreamland. Curtain.)


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SCENE TWO

Three GHOULS enter PAPAs room, hushing themselves to keep from waking the sleepy man.

MR. KISSY is the lead ghoul adorned with glasses and a mustache. BUMPA is larger than theother two ghouls and has a pursed-up face as if he had been sucking on a ghostly lemon. And

lastly, there is TWOTOO, the excitable ghoul who adores his two brothers.

TWOTOO: He is asleep, my brothers! This Papa has been sleeping. (Begins to giggle.)

BUMPA: This Papa loves to sleep, Im sure. He looks like a rollie-pollie in that big bed all to

himself! (Catches a case of giggles himself.) A sleepy Papa-pollie! Snug as a bug!

TWOTOO: (Wipes tear from his ghost eye.) Oh, do I miss sleep. It was one of my top

pleasures. (Sighs.)

MR. KISSY: There, there, Twotoo. No use fretting about that now. The pleasures of life belong to

the breathers. As silly as it is for me to say, I pity this Papa. This poor, poor Papa goes to bed

with a head full of worry every night. He has dreams full of regret and grief. All of his dreams

have become bone dry, not one of them wet. A very peculiar Papa this is.

BUMPA: You still read his dreams, Mr. Kissy?

MR. KISSY: Oh, yes. I have frequented his dreams many nights. Some are very dumb but

occasionally he will get the flavor of dream that we like.

TWOTOO: (Screaming on a ghost frequency that only ghouls can hear.) Im so sick of Nigels

dreams!

MR. KISSY: (Shuddering.) We all are, Twotoo.

BUMPA: I thought he had worn out all of his wetties, Mr. Kissy?

MR. KISSY: For the most part he has, Good Man Bumpa. But I still have not completely forsaken

him.

TWOTOO: (Admiringly.) Thats Mr. Kissy for you. (Nudges Bumpa.)

BUMPA: Yes, a classic Mr. Kissy. A beacon of light for us all. Have you asked us here because

you think tonight will be a special dream? Or are we just here to watch a sleepy old Papa roll

around in a nightgown?

MR. KISSY: I had a feeling about tonight...but as I see him now, it looks as if I was misguided. He

is rolling around with anxiety, his dreams probably as arid as a desert.

BUMPA: We dont know that as fact, brother, until we see for ourselves.

MR. KISSY: Right as always, Bumpa.

(The three ghouls approach PAPAS bed. They form a circle to the right of it and then all hold

hands.)GHOULS IN UNISON: One, two, three. We ghouls request entry to thee. One, two, three. We

ghouls request entry to thee.

MR. KISSY: Get ready, my brothers. Let us hope this is not a fools errand.

(Blackout and end of Act 1)


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ACT II

SCENE ONE

We are in a coffee shop. There is one circular table in the shop along with a bar separating

CASHIER from the two customers in line. The CASHIER is a buxom woman in her 30s. The

customers are a TEENAGER and a MAN WITH RAKES FOR ARMS. The TEENAGER,

wearing the same nightgown as PAPA, is waiting behind the MAN WITH RAKES FOR ARMS.

There is also a WALRUS in the corner.

CASHIER: Heres your coffee, Mr. President.

MAN WITH RAKE FOR ARMS: Thank you, Ms. Brandeshire. I cant wait to drink this coffee!

(MAN WITH RAKE FOR ARMS tries to grasp the coffee in his rake hands but immediately

drops it on the floor.) Thank you! (MAN WITH RAKE FOR ARMS leaves with a satisfied look on

his face.)MS. BRANDESHIRE: Next in line!

TEENAGER: Hello. I would like some coffee, please.

(MR. KISSY, BUMPA, and TWOTOO enter the coffee shop and stand together at the back of

the room. MS. BRANDESHIRE and the TEENAGER do not notice.)

TWOTOO: Is that Papa?

MR. KISSY: I dont know yet. (Leans forward to hear the conversation better.)

MS. BRANDESHIRE: So, whats your name?

TEENAGER: My name is Cornelius. But my friends call me Papa.

MR. KISSY: Yes, its him.

BUMPA: This is certainly a promising dream.TWOTOO: The luck on Mr. Kissy.

BUMPA: What is that walrus doing over there?

WALRUS: (Overhearing the ghouls, the WALRUS points to MS. BRANDESHIRE.) I think Im

that girls spirit animal.

MS. BRANDESHIRE: (To TEENAGE PAPA.) Sorry about my walrus. Hes a doctor.

PAPA: Nice to meet you, Doctor. Can you fix my butlers brain?

WALRUS: (Enraged.) Im not a doctor of medicine!

BUMPA: He is not focusing on Ms. Brandeshire.

MR. KISSY: This is how most of the dreams go. The last time he was with Ms. Brandeshire in a

dream, he morphed into a baby and started to spit up uncontrollably. Then we transported to asoccer field and he was...a baby goalie until morning. (MR. KISSY facepalms and then shakes

his head.)

WALRUS: (In mid conversation.) - and I am not doing good! Not at all. I've been having trouble

with my stomach. Gas issues mostly. Gas issues are serious even though most people laugh at

the thought-

PAPA: (Ignoring the WALRUS DOCTOR) Ms. Brandeshire, I would like a big coffee, please.

MS. BRANDESHIRE: Oh! A big coffee for a big Papa!


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PAPA: (Slightly nervous.) Yes. A big coffee for me. Nothing in it except coffee. Just a plain

coffee.

MS. BRANDESHIRE: So you just want the plain coffee, then? Nothing else you want to put in?

PAPA: (After a moment's hesitation.) Nothing else.

BUMPA: (To his brothers) The only thing wet in this dream is the coffee he's about to drink!

TWOTOO: I'm getting mad too, Mr. Kissy. It looks like there's no turn for this dream. We aredoomed to Nigel's dreams until he dies.

MR. KISSY: Do you see what happens here? He shies away from the slightest hint that things

could become flippy. Ms. Brandeshire is in most of his dreams, yet he does nothing remotely

fun. He still feels guilty...

BUMPA: Guilty for what? This is a good Papa!

MR. KISSY: He mourns.

TWOTOO: But his wife died years ago. She went straight through.

BUMPA: Didn't even stop to mingle with us.

MR. KISSY: This Papa's love isn't like ours. It's unmatched even in his realm.

TWOTOO: (Dawning on him slowly.) So you are saying...that Papa hasn't had one wetty sincehis wife morphed?

MR. KISSY: (Verging on tears.) Not one.

BUMPA: (Stoic.) But still you wait.

MR. KISSY: When she first departed, I knew I would be waiting. Their love was like nothing I have

ever known. To this day, remembering their kisses can give me chills. So gross, but at the same

time, so passionate. (MR. KISSY takes out a handkerchief and dabs at his face.)

TWOTOO: There, there, Mr. Kissy. It could still turn around.

(THE THREE GHOULS turn to the dream again. PAPA is pretending to play soccer in front of

the WALRUS)

WALRUS: (To PAPA) I think youve got what it takes! Any interest in being a goalie for Spain,son?

(The lights turn off and then turn on again after a few seconds and in place of TEENAGE PAPA,

there is a SMALL BABY wearing a diaper.)

MR. KISSY: Time to go.

(THE THREE GHOULS spin around chanting and the lights flicker and then turn off completely

sending us to the next scene.)


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SCENE TWO

THE THREE GHOULS are back in PAPAs bedroom while he sleeps. Each looks sullen and

disenchanted. PAPA is still sleeping, somewhat fitfully.

PAPA: (Mutters some baby talk in his sleep.)

MR. KISSY: (Rubbing his eyes with his ghost palms.) This is truly useless. The eve of his

birthday and he rolls there as if he were a barren baby.

BUMPA: I guess its Nigel time.

TWOTOO: (Screaming at the heavens.) Nooooo!

MR. KISSY: Maybe its finally time. (MR. KISSY pulls up a chair to sit in it and then falls through

to the floor because hes a ghost.) To give up on Papa. And fall into the depths of the Nigels of

the world.

(BUMPA remains quiet in the corner watching his two brothers comfort each other. TWOTOO

pulls MR. KISSY up from the floor.)

a kiss for papa

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