a handbook for singles vol. 1

8/12/2019 A Handbook for SINGLES Vol. 1

1/85

A Handbook forSINGLES

Preparing forMarriage

What Singles Need to Know to

Prepare Them for A Happy,

Lasting and Fullling arriage

Life

Vol. I

1


2/85

Tem Martin

!opyright " #$%& 'y Tem artin

(e)uests for information should 'e addressed to*

World !hangers+ Pu'lishers

P- .o/ &0# .uea1 !ameroon

2mail* temmartin%3yahoo4omor

world4hangers$%3gmail4om

Phone num'ers*

Tem artin 56#&7870 9: 7; 7;< ;: =% =& &9

2/4ept otherwise stated, all )uotations in this 'oo>

ha?e 'een ta>en from the King @ames ersion of the

.i'le .elow, are some .i'le ersions you may nd in

this 'oo>, these are the a''re?iations and what they

mean*

K@ stands for odern King @ames ersionAmp stands for Amplied .i'le

TL. stands for The Li?ing .i'le

!o?er design 'y Stephen Nnoge

Layout 'y KBNC !hris BND

Photos 'y Legend Digital Photos2
mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]


3/85

And Wisdom Photos

ForwardWhen we got married more than twenty1se?en yearsago, we >new nothing a'out pre1marital 4ounselingThere was e?en no lo4al literature to guide us into thislife1long s4hool of lo?e and responsi'ility We got intomarriage li>e two 'lind indi?iduals groping intowonderland Than> Cod we ha?e learnt through oursweet and sour e/perien4es

2?en today in the third millennium, many youths stilldare to ris> getting married in ignoran4e, e?en withthe presen4e of growing literature, in4reasingpremarital seminars and the presen4e of multiple4ounsellors Bn today+s world, you do not need torein?ent the wheel of learning the hard way E fromyour marital wea>nesses and failures

artin Tem has done youths a great fa?our 'y puttingtogether this information that will greatly help toprepare them for a life1long 'liss of marital pleasure(ead this 'oo> and 'uild a foundation of preparedness'efore ?enturing into the Cod1gi?en union of asu44essful marriage ou do no longer need to grope indar>ness 2)uip yourself with the nuggets gi?en 'y a

man who has 'een to where you are planning to go3


4/85

He has done youths a ser?i4e they 4annot aGord toree4t Ha?e a wonderful marriage preparation as youdig through these pages r Tem has gra4iouslypro?ided you

r. aniel SH!arriage Tea4her and !ounsellor

Praise For This .oo>

After going through this 'oo>, B am 4on?in4ed that if asingle reads and applies what heIshe learns from this'oo>, heIshe will denitely 4ome out with testimonies

B en4ourage singles who want sure and lasting results inthe area of their future marriages to read this 'oo> Bt isri4h and timely for the youths of this generation

"e#. A$%k Aaron &kangFull Gospel Mission, Buea District Supervisor

This 'oo>, JA Hand'oo> for Singles Preparing for

arriage 'y Pastor Tem artin is timely Bt is a 'oo>

ne4essary at this hour when many singles don+t >now the

will of Cod in marriage arriage is honoura'le in all, the

'ed undeled

ost of our youths engage in premarital se/ 'e4ausethey thin> 'y this, they 4an for4e their partner to lo?e

them 'ut Tem e/poses this lie of the de?il in

Jnderstanding Bnfatuation and real lo?e This 'oo> is a

must1read for singles, marriage 4ounsellors and men and

women of Cod

There are single ladies of marriagea'le age 'ut

unprepared 'e4ause they 4an+t 4oo> well Su4h a woman4


5/85

should go and learn how to 4oo> for a her hus'and rst

Than> Cod Pastor Tem wrote down JWhat to do to

'e4ome a good partner

B so mu4h lo?e his 4aution JWhat to guard against while

addressing those in 4ourtship Bt will help our singles towat4h out The 4hapter on JWhat some 4hur4hes hold

a'out approa4hing a sister you want to marry is also

timely espe4ially as the 4hur4h has seen how youths

argue with the 4hur4h system

Pa'tor (ame' A. I'a$ode

Zonal Pastor S.W. Zone I The Redeemed Christian Church

of God, Buea.

The Western world has for 4enturies pro?ided us with

guideline materials and 'oo>s on marriage and steps

to ta>e 'efore saying JB Do Although these resour4es

ha?e 'een ?ery helpful in shaping our marriages,

sometimes they ha?e to 'e interpreted to relate to the

Afri4an 4onte/t .oo>s on marriage written 'y Afri4ans

putting in 4onte/t their ethni4ity are only now

emerging in the #%st !entury .rother Tem+s 'oo>, JA

Hand'oo> for Singles Preparing for arriage is one of

them, a masterpie4e, 4arefully addressing most of the

issues fa4ed 'y singles in the line of marriage He

starts from the 'eginning of Cod 'eing the author of

marriage, and 'rea>s it down to the pra4ti4al4hallenges fa4ed 'y singles anti4ipating marriage and

how to handle ea4h aspe4t Bf you are loo>ing for a

4lear guide into marriage, and how to 'uild solid

foundational 'lo4>s that will stand e?en when the

storms 4ome, this 'oo> is for you Bf money 4ould 'uy

happiness, B will en4ourage you to own a 4opy, gi?e it

as a gift to others, use it for yourself if you are single,5


6/85

and, if married, identify your mista>es and ma>e

amends For where there is life there is Hope This

'oo> is a 'oo> of hope Co for it

Mr'. (ane Forlem%Marriage Counsellor - Redeemed Christian Church of God

RCCG! "ouala

Pro#ect Manager, Schlum$erger

This 'oo> gi?es the single the how 'efore marriageand the how after marriage Bt 'rings the single to thepoint of maturity 'efore getting into marriage

any singles thin> that to 'e 'eautiful and attra4ti?eare the most ne4essary 4riteria for a 4hoi4e inmarriage 'ut this 'oo> gi?es an interesting idea a'out'eauty and handsomeness whi4h e?ery single shouldwant to nd out

Ngah 2dward Da'oseh"istrict Pastor, The %&ostolic Church Mol'(o-Buea

This 'oo> on singles preparing for marriage is a must1read for singles and all 4hur4h tea4hers and parentswishing to guide their 4hildren into a su44essfulmarriage The author is an e/emplary )uality for thiswor> and is pragmati4 su4h that the lessons sin>without mu4h eGort

Samuelson Num'e 5Apostle8Christ Bod' )utreach

This 'oo>, JA Hand'oo> for Singles Preparing forarriage is indeed a hand'oo> for the singleswal>ing into marriage For a'out three years B ha?e>nown .rother Tem artin as a 4ommitted 4hild of

Cod< say Json of @eho?ah as he li>es to 'e 4alled -ne6


7/85

thing B am sure of is that, 'rother Tem is a tea4her oftruth and an e/emplary hus'and He has thisun)uen4ha'le passion for su44ess in family lifeThough B+?e 'een a guest spea>er in his 4onferen4e

se?erally, reading through this 'oo> still appeared tome as a fresh re?elation B assure e?ery single andmarriage 4ounsellor that this 'oo> is a powerful pie4eyou need When B saw the way his wife lo?es andsu'mits to him, B was wandering what was his se4ret'ut when B read this 'oo>, B was sure this >nowledge inhim attra4ted the lo?e and su'mission from his wife Bwant to strongly 'elie?e that reading this 'oo> wille/pose you to the truth that unites hearts and souls Bsin4erely pray that your e/pe4tations should 'e4ome areality in @esus+ nameM

(e? rs N.2 Alida

Reconciliation Ministr', Buea

Testimonies From Singles

(eading this 'oo> JA Hand'oo> for Singles Preparing

for arriage has helped me to re1e/amine my

moti?es and am'itions in relation to marriage

Approa4hing and dealing with the wrong partner,

relying on ?isions and dreams for 4onrmation or

dire4tion and a'o?e all ma>ing myself what B e/pe4t

the other person to 'e B e?en had to rewrite my7


8/85

wea>nesses and draft a proposal on how to impro?e on

them< then B wrote out my desires for my partner and

also started wor>ing on them Wouldn+t want to go into

marriage without anything to oGer (eading this 'oo>

has fuelled me B pray other singles will do same and

ha?e greater en4ounters with it

Sen NadineRCCG Buea.

This 'oo> is a great 'oo> When B started reading it, B

4ould not stop reading till midnight when B nished

reading it

-ne thing B learnt from it is that B did not gi?e my life to

!hrist to get married 'ut to ser?e Cod y fo4us is to

ser?e Cod and His >ingdom marriage will 'e an addition

B should therefore ma/imie my singlehood in Cod+s

ser?i4e 'efore B get married B also learnt the right ways

to respond to a 'rother who proposes to get married to

me@udith A>wangue

*GM Mol'(o

A4>nowledgement

B want to sin4erely appre4iate (e?Irs Num'e Alida

who has shown genuine lo?e for singles during the

Singles 2n4ounters we ha?e 'een organiing She

refused honorariums and de4ided to 'e a partner8


9/85

ready to 4ounsel and pray with many female singles

who had pro'lems in their relationships Than> you for

all the inspiring tea4hings you ha?e gi?en out to the

singles Than> you for the editing and

re4ommendations that ha?e greatly enri4hed this

'oo>

B want to than> rs @ane Forlemu for editing and

ma>ing re4ommendations to this 'oo> that has

widened its s4ope to not only 'e rele?ant in !ameroon

'ut anywhere singles are found any than>s for all

the en4ouragement and supportB want to 'e grateful to Creat !ynthia for her 'old

4ontri'utions to some aspe4ts of this 'oo> and her

4ontri'utions during our Singles 2n4ounters

B want to say a than> you to (e? Ayu> Aaron ->ang of

the Full Cospel ission, .uea Distri4t for his

4ontinuous 4oa4hing and en4ouragement towards my

writing ministryany than>s to Pastor Ngah 2dward of The Apostoli4

!hur4h oly>o, Pastor @ames 2sayode of The

(edeemed !hur4h of Cod .uea, Pastor 2>ema of The

ar4edonia .aptist !hur4h, oly>o for their

4ooperation and the information they furnished me

with that has enri4hed this 'oo>

B owe gratitude to so many people for the realiation of

this wor> Cod is the ultimate rewarder and B pray that

none of you will lose your reward in @esus+ nameM

Why B Wrote This .oo>9


10/85

B made se?eral errors in the pro4ess of getting married

Some of these errors and outright mista>es led to two

'ro>en relationships whi4h 'rought pain not only to

others 'ut to me as well

Loo>ing around among the singles around me, B ha?e

seen many situations that 4aused young girls to lose

their suitors 'e4ause of ignoran4e or wrong ad?i4e from

friends Bn one of these 4ases, a young girl >ept her suitor

for a long while, e?en though she lo?ed the 'oy, she

treated the 'oy 'adly and when the 'oy 4ut oG the

relationship, she started running after the 'oy The 'oyrefused to go 'a4> to the relationship This girl lost

someone she treasured 'e4ause of ignoran4e on what to

do

Se?eral young 'oys ha?e lost their ladies 'e4ause of ill1

ad?ised 'eha?ior

any young 'oys go to a girl and propose wrongly, some

with pride and arrogan4e, some with e/treme spirituality,

some in un4i?ilied manners that ma>e the lady thin> the

'oy does not ha?e ?alue for them

Ha?ing taught in se?eral Singles 2n4ounters organised in

hotels and 4hur4hes, B ha?e 4ome a4ross se?eral 4ases

that 4aused young people to miss or nearly miss the

right partner 'e4ause of ignoran4e or wrong ad?i4e

We ha?e also had to pray with young girls who 4ould not

nd a spouse 'e4ause of e?il or demoni4 soul ties that

>ept them away from their real partners After 4ounseling

and prayer these girls were loosed from these soul ties

An additional insight Cod ga?e me was the fa4t that

there are many people who 4annot >eep their homes

'e4ause of emotional handi4aps, these handi4aps ma>e

10


11/85

them thin> they got married to the wrong spouse

Howe?er, when they nd out where they are

handi4apped, they will stop seeing their spouse as the

pro'lem and see themsel?es as the pro'lem and see> for

solutions Bf it is their spouse, they will >now how to helpthem out instead of 4ondemning them

Bn an attempt to help singles to a?oid some of the

pro'lems many people only nd out while already in the

marital homes with almost nothing to do to right some of

the wrongs, B had to write this 'oo> in order to sa?e a lot

of singles from mista>es that 4an ruin their marriages in

the future This will help them to >now what is important'efore they e?en laun4h into the whole issue of

marriage

This 'oo> will show you how to prepare to ha?e anen?ious marriage and >now the purpose of marriagenowing the will of Cod in marriage, how tode?elop a relationship with your future spouse, et4 any

young people fall in lo?e for the wrong reasons Here wewill show you how to >now the diGeren4e 'etweeninfatuation and real lo?e This 'oo> will also show youhow to 'rea> soul ties that hold you down and hinder youfrom getting married any young people ha?e 4riteriathey ha?e set down to ha?e a right partner Some of thethings they hold are ill1ad?ised Here you will nd outhow to Bdentify the Oualities of a Cood Partner .e4ause

of the importan4e of >nowing how to approa4h, re4ei?eand >eep your partner, you will learn some general tipsfor singles to >now 'efore going to the altar ou will alsoneed to >now what men are loo>ing for in ladies andwhat ladies are loo>ing for in men so these 4hapters willhelp you to de?elop )ualities to attra4t your idealhus'and and de?elop )ualities that women desire in theirhus'ands

We ha?e also realied that many singles >nowingly or11


12/85

un>nowingly 'rea> the rules guiding the marriagepro4edures in their 4hur4h, so we ha?e de4ided to putdown what some 4hur4hes hold a'out approa4hing asister in marriage so that it will ma>e it easy for the

pastor and the singlesLately, Cod showed me how the family institution is

hurting 'e4ause many people do not >now what to do

The rate of di?or4e has more than tripled in the last

twenty years This is partly 'e4ause ?ery few people

a4)uire any >nowledge on premarital 4ounselling

The Lord spo>e to me that the so4iety needs to 'e

empowered with the right >nowledge to steer the familyto the waters of oy, happiness and e/4itement that Cod

intended instead of the pain and frustration the family

unit is fa4ing today The se4ret is in preparation

B remem'er a few years ago when one of my friends

was interested in a parti4ular sister, when he made his

intentions >nown, this lady resisted the idea so ?iolently

-ne of the pro'lems of this lady was not that she did notlo?e this 'rother or marriage 'ut she was afraid of

marriage She had seen the marriage of her mother and

that of many people around, some of whi4h were su4h

'ad e/amples that it would appear it were 'etter for a

man to 'e alone @ust today, 'y the time of this writing, B

as>ed a sister what she was thin>ing a'out marriage

She told me she was preparing 'e4ause she is afraid ofmarriage The e/amples she had seen, were marriages

that had suGered a lot, and she did not want a similar

type of suGering

any young people fear marriage 'e4ause they ha?e a

wrong pi4ture of marriage Their mind set is oriented

towards the dire4tion of what they ha?e seen in either

their parents or neigh'ours so they de?elop fear12


13/85

This 'oo> also has the intention to demystify the issue

of marriage 'y showing you what to do to get the 'est

out of it

This 'oo> is written to gi?e the 'asi4 >nowledge e?ery

single needs 'efore getting into marriage to a?oidregrets in their marriages

)edding Ver'%' Marriage

The irony today is that the a?erage young manIwoman in

our so4iety who is engaged in a relationship leading up

to marriage is 4aught up in a serious preparation .utwhen you ha?e to nd out what they are preparing for,

you will realie that a'out ;$ of their preparation is for

the wedding They want to ha?e an impressi?e wedding

'ut they don+t gi?e ade)uate attention to preparation for

the marriage any of them don+t realie that wedding is

only a matter of a few hours and marriage is a life time

Dr ensa -ta'il says after the three or so hours of

wearing the wedding gown, you will start wearing normal

dresses for the rest of your life

Don+t fo4us on the wedding and fail to prepare for the

marriage Learn to prepare for a happy and su44essful

marriage The wedding is an e?ent meanwhile the

marriage is a life long aGair The wedding is initiation or

introdu4tion into marriage

This 'oo> is intended to help singles to >now what to do

to 'e the right partners and how to get their dream

mate

Bt shows them how to prepare to 'e the right mate for

marriage

During one 4ounseling session with a 'rother and sister

who 4ame to 'e inter?iewed 'y the leadership of our13


14/85

4hur4h for their wedding intentions, one of the leaders

as>ed a )uestion and this was the )uestion* have you

considered the likely challenges that you will face in

marriage, and how have you prepared yourself to

overcome them? That )uestion was a mind sear4hing)uestion This 'oo> thus intends to show you what

marriage is and how to 'e 'etter prepared 'efore you

get into it

After Cod spo>e to me a'out the family, B realied that

many of our young people go into marriage without any

preparation So B started organiing Singles+ 2n4ounters

where we gi?e out tea4hings that ha?e opened up theeyes of many of them This 'oo> is 4omprised of many of

the diGerent fa4ets of the Singles+ 2n4ounters and mu4h

more that ha?e 'een pa4>aged now in 'oo> form

This 'oo> will put tools in your hand to ma>e your

marriage a oy, not a pain Bt intends to prepare you so

that you will enoy, not endure you marriage Ta>e

ad?antage of this 'oo> and ma>e good use of itCod 'less youM

14


15/85

Ta'le of !ontents

!ontents of olume B% ForwardQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ

Praise For This

.oo>QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ:

& Testimonies fromSinglesQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ7

: Why B Wrote This.oo>QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ;

0 What ismarriageR%:

9Why is arriage soBmportantR%9

7 A Word to Pastors and !hur4h LeadersQQQQQQQQQQQ%;= nderstanding the Purpose of

arriageQQQQQQQQQQ##; The importan4e of Preparation to Ha?e a Fullling arriage

LifeQ#=

%$ a/imiing ourSinglehoodQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ&7

%% Knowing the Three Kinds of Lo?e that Lead toarriageQQQ:$

%# Learning the DiGeren4es .etween (eal Lo?e andBnfatuation :9

%& Areas of Preparation For A Lasting arriageQQQQQQQ0%

%: Dealing With 2motional Handi4aps in (elationships

QQQQ0:

%0 .rea>ing Soul Ties that .ind ou to thePastQQQQQQQ07

%9 !lues to Knowing the Will of Cod in arriage15


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QQQQQQ9%

%7 Ceneral Tips For Singles To Know .efore Coing To The

Altar99

!ontents of olume BB%= Bdentifying the Oualities of a Cood Partner

%; De?eloping Oualities to Attra4t our Bdeal Hus'and#$ De?eloping Oualities that Women Admire in en#%What Some !hur4hes Hold A'out Approa4hing A

Sister ou Want To arry## Bnitiating and aintaining a Fruitful (elationship#& Cuides to a Fruitful and Produ4ti?e !ourtship

#: Findings that a>e our Traditional arriage Hit4h1Free

#0 What to Anti4ipate in the First Few Wee>s of arriage#9 (esol?ing !oni4ts in arriage#7 Tips To A?oid Delayed arriage#= Attempted Answers to Some !ommon OuestionsSingles -ften As>

*+apter ,

)+at i' Marriage-

Sin4e we ha?e to tal> a'out marriage, it is important

to >now 'riey what marriage is all a'out

arriage is a relationship 'etween a man and a

woman intended 'y Cod to 'e a monogamous

relationship and a permanent 'ond in whi4h many

needs are satised

We should ma>e it plain that marriage as Cod intended

it is supposed to 'e 'etween a man and a woman not

the distortion we ha?e today where a man gets16


17/85

married to a man and a woman gets married to a

woman Bt has 'een worsened 'y the fa4t that it is

e?en 4ondu4ted in 4hur4h 'y ordained priests This is a

form of distortion that led to the destru4tion of Sodom

2?ery serious !hristian should distan4e themsel?es

from su4h a'omination

arriage ought to 'e a 'ond of lo?e ree4ting the lo?e

of !hrist A 'ond of sa4ri4ial lo?e where hus'ands

ha?e to lo?e their wi?es and wi?es su'mit willingly to

their hus'ands Bn marriage people ought to relate 'y

lo?e not 'y usti4e A man+s marriage life has to 'e aree4tion of his personal relationship with the Lord

@esus

arriage is the 4losest relationship that should e/ist

'etween two people Bn a typi4al marriage, the two

partners are 'onded together so intri4ately that it

'e4omes di4ult to part the two persons

Cen #*#:*say For this reason a man will lea?e hisfather and mother and 'e united to his wife, andthey will 'e4ome one +esh NB

As !harlemagne Ndimeteh puts it, Marriage is

originally a divine design God initiated it! He adds

that JMarriage is sanctioned "y a divine and not a

human conception! JMarriage!, he 4ontinues is a

divinely conceived social institution involving the#oining, living and working together of an adult male

and adult female respectively as hus"and and wife for

mutual support, family formation and mutual

ful$llment!

He )uotes the nited ethodist !hur4h whi4h

des4ri'es marriage as Jan intimate li?ing relationship

17


18/85

in whi4h a man and a woman may help ea4h other to

meet their needs as persons

This is tal>ing of an unusual >ind of unity that should

e/ist 'etween the hus'and and his wife

arriage is Cod+s idea and it is intended to 'e a ha?en

of satisfa4tion and fulllment arriage as Cod

intended was not a hiding pla4e from responsi'ility

arriage is to 'e a relationship 'etween two

independent people loo>ing for interdependen4e Not

two dependent people loo>ing for someone to 4arry

their 'urdens Bt is a relationship 'etween two strongand 4apa'le people who ha?e their own resour4es 'ut

they re4ognie that JBf B oin my for4es with this

person, we will 'e4ome mu4h stronger

*+apter /

)+$ I' Marriage SoImportant-

The family unit is the 'asi4 unit of e?ery so4iety Bt 4an

inuen4e the so4iety, the 4hur4h, the 4ommunity, the18


19/85

nation and the entire world

Lately, the Lord 'egan to impress in my heart the

importan4e of the family unit Bts importan4e 4annot

'e o?eremphasied

@ust li>e .enamin Disraeli says %o success in pu"lic

life can compensate for failure in the home!

Kenneth !opeland in tal>ing a'out the importan4e of

the family says &he family is the strongest 'nstitution

God created, (e did not give )dam a church, (e gave

him a home!

Stephen !o?ey )uips ' deeply "elieve that if weattend to all other duties and responsi"ilities in lifeand neglect the family, it would "e analogous tostraitening deck chairs on the &itanic )s another putit, *no institution can take its place+ &he family is thekey institution that shapes the emotional, intellectual,spiritual, moral, social and economic future ofindividuals and our entire society!

Stephen !o?ey+s analogy deser?es more ampli4ation

He is implying that any'ody who pays attention to all

other areas of hisIher life without ma>ing the family a

priority, that person is li>e some'ody who tries to

repair 4hairs in a sin>ing ship This highlights the

importan4e of the family in high terms

When we put Cod+s priorities in order, we will realiethat Cod 4omes rst, our spouses 4ome se4ond, our

4hildren 4ome immediately after, then ministry or

'usiness or 4areer, et4 may follow Bf you put it the

other way round, you ha?e ust put in pla4e a formula

for frustration Bt is ust li>e putting the 4art in front of

the horse

Something worth noting is that the family is the 'asi419


20/85

unit of any so4iety He who runs the family runs the

so4iety, and 'y e/tension the nation Strong families

ma>e strong 4hur4hes, strong so4ieties and

4onse)uently strong nations

.efore the (oman 2mpire 4rum'led, it started with

the distortion of the ?alues of the family

B 4an see that the Ameri4an so4iety now is under

atta4> as the ?alues of the family ha?e not only 'een

distorted 'ut they ha?e 'een re?ersed and e?en

destroyed ay Cod ha?e mer4y and may other

4ountries of the world not 4opy this 'ad e/ample inthe name of human rights

Whene?er Cod wants to 'less a people, He starts

with a family Similarly, whene?er Satan wants to

atta4> a so4iety, he starts with the family

The family unit is a treasure in Cod+s heart JIn an

eort to get at God and to tr' to hurt im God/,

satanic forces are attac(ing the home 0hich isthe closest thing to God1s heart on earth.2 says

Roland Buc( in %ngels on %ssignment.

-ne of the highest sour4es of frustration on earth

today is family desta'iliation The eGe4ts are felt at

home, 4hur4h, s4hool and the wor>pla4e

-ne of the greatest sour4es of oy, e/4itement andrest is when there is lo?e, pea4e and understanding at

home The positi?e eGe4ts 4an also 'e seen in the

4hur4h, o4e, et4

Ha?e you e?er as>ed yourself why people must go to

a dri?ing s4hool and are tested 'efore they are gi?en a

Dri?er+s Li4en4e to use our roadsR B thin> the answer is

simple They want to redu4e the num'er of a44idents20


21/85

we ha?e on our streets and high ways These dri?ers

ha?e to 'e trained, empowered and tested 'efore they

are released on our highways We also need to redu4e

the num'er of marital a44idents in our 4hur4hes and

so4iety through tea4hings and training

Why must a tea4her, Do4tor, Lawyer go to s4hool

'efore they pra4tise their professionR Bt is simple,

without >nowledge and training, the do4tor will 'e

>illing more people than he is sa?ing

Bf dri?ers are re)uired to learn dri?ing and pass a test

'efore 'eing gi?en a dri?er+s li4ense< if tea4hers arere)uired to spend se?eral years preparing to tea4h

students in s4hool, why should we 'elie?e that we 4an

ust ump into marriage without any preparationR

To su44eed in any proe4t, you need some preliminary

preparation Why should we not ha?e this preparation

when it 4on4erns a 4ru4ial area in life that may

determine whether you su44eed in your life, 4areer,and ministry and whether you ma>e it to hea?en or

notR That area is marriage Prayer is not enough,

>nowledge is 4apital

*+apter 021


22/85

A )ord to Pa'tor' and

*+%r1+ Leader'Ha?ing e/posed the importan4e of the marriage

institution, B would li>e to draw pastors and leaders

attention to the fa4t that if there is no 4ons4ious

attention paid to this institution in our 4hur4hes, we

are missing out something that Cod would want the

4hur4h to pay more attention toA few years ago, we organised a marriage seminar in

our 4hur4h and sent out in?itations to the pu'li4 The

attendan4e was sho4>ing to many of us who were

mem'ers in the 4hur4h

We saw people who ha?e ne?er entered our 4hur4h

attend the program faithfully any of them ga?e

testimonies of the impa4t of that seminar in their li?es

Bnterestingly enough, B thought it should ha?e 'e4ome

an annual program 'ut that was not the 4ase

Dear pastorIleader, if we ha?e agreed on the

importan4e of this unit 4alled the family in the 4hur4h

as> yourself*

Do we ha?e a fun4tional marriage 4ounseling 4ommitteein our 4hur4hR

Do we ha?e a premarital 4ounseling program in our

4hur4hR

Bn some 4hur4hes, they ha?e a premarital 4ounseling unit

where intending 4ouples ha?e to attend tea4hing

sessions for si/ months During these si/ months, they

tea4h the intending 4ouple what marriage is, what to do22


23/85

during their 4ourtship, how to plan their future as a

4ouple, how to raise their 4hildren in a godly manner,

how to ta>e 4are of in1laws, et4

B thought to suggest to all pastors and leaders to sit

down and 4onsider this if we want the future of our4hur4hes to 'e ensured and the lega4y of the gospel to

'e transmitted to other generations

Cod is 4ounting on us to pay attention to what he pays

attention to

The rate of forni4ation among intending 4ouples is on the

rise 'e4ause they ha?e no program -n4e they ha?e no

program, they get distra4ted and end up doing what they

ha?e no right to do An idle mind, the saying goes is the

de?il+s wor>shop

The 4hur4h should see that they ta>e this aspe4t

seriously whi4h would help to restore sanity, prepare the

future and enhan4e the marriages of the people under

our 4are

B will also suggest that a 4hur4h should not go for more

than two years without a marriage seminar This heals

marriages and in tend heals the 4hur4h

B on4e told a pastor that if his 4hur4h is ha?ing a lot of

pro'lems, instead of trying to heal them through serious

prea4hing and re'u>e or whate?er, fo4us on healing the

family and the healing will aGe4t the 4hur4h 'e4ause the

4hur4h is made up of families When the home is ne,

the oy that springs from the home will spillo?er into the

4hur4h, o4e, 'usiness, et4

Fo1%' on Marriage *an Lead to *+%r1+ Growt+

A pastor 'ased in the SA shared a testimony in one of his

programs in !ameroon He said when he started his 4hur4h in

the SA, after three years, the attendan4e was a'out &$$

23


24/85

mem'ers The Lord led him to fo4us on the family He started

resear4hing and tea4hing on issues that 'uild the family and

enhan4e unity and lo?e in the family unit He said many

people with si4> homes 'egan to o4> into his 4hur4h and in

one year, the 4hur4h more than dou'led as he had o?er 7$$mem'ers 'y the end of the fourth year

B 'elie?e that those who wor> for the unity of the family

re4ei?e un4ommon fa?our and prote4tion from Cod 'e4ause

they are tou4hing the ?ery heart of Cod @ust li>e

e?angelists who win souls ha?e Cod+s attention, B also

'elie?e that those who fo4us on the growth and prosperity

of the family enoy Cod+s un4ommon fa?our and prote4tion

Spirit%al Ad%lter$2 In T+e *+%r1+ Toda$

-ne Ameri4an prea4her noted that without realiing it,

some prea4hers are into spiritual adultery He said these

people pay so mu4h attention to their 4hur4hes and

ministries while they pay ?ery little attention to their wi?es

He 4onsidered this Jspiritual adultery He said the wi?es of

many men of Cod in the SA are 'eing depri?ed of the lo?eand attention of their hus'ands meanwhile their hus'ands

pay all their attention to the 4hur4hUthe wife of !hrist The

4hur4h 'lossoms while their wi?es are groaning and dying

.enny Hinn after his remarriage to his wife 4onfessed that

he was married to the ministry instead of to his wife He

had to re4ommit himself to his marriage During this period

of negle4t, his wife had to resort to pills to >eep her from

depression 'e4ause her hus'and was hardly there The

di?or4e was a wa>eEup 4all to this man of Cod Than> Cod

for their remarriage Don+t let yours go to that le?el rst

'efore you pay attention to your home

ay Cod help us to see the importan4e of this institution

and pay the attention to it the way it deser?es

ay Cod help us in @esus+ nameM

24


25/85

*+apter 3

!nder'tanding t+e P%rpo'e

of Marriage

To many youths, when they thin> a'out marriage, they

thin> a'out se/ Se/ is an a4ti?ity in marriage 'ut is

not marriage Cod had a purpose why He instituted

marriage

Cen #*%= )nd the -.D God said, 't is not good thatthe man should "e alone ' will make a helper suita"le

for him! K@

% *ompanion'+ip4

Bf we e/amine that ?erse, we will realie that the rst

purpose why Cod made the woman for the man was

for 4ompanionship -ne of the greatest needs forhuman 'eings is to ha?e someone to tal> with Cod

ga?e Adam a wife for the sa>e of 4ompanionship So if

you are a'out to get married, one of the )uestions you

should as> is, is this person a good 4ompanion for meR

!an B spend un'ro>en 4hun>s of time with this person

and still feel e/4itedR (emem'er the person you are

getting married to will 'e with you most of the portion25


26/85

of the day Bf you get married to someone you are not

proud of and ready to spend time with them, you are

setting yourself up for 'oredom and frustration

/. S%pport4

The Lord Cod said JB will ma>e him a helper suita'le

for him As> yourself< is this the right person to help

me in my assignmentR arriage is to ha?e someone to

support you, not someone to wor> for you arriage is

a two1way game Bt is a gi?e1and1ta>e situation When

some ladies thin> of marriage they thin> of someone

who will ta>e 4are of them That is the wrongorientation Bn marriage the man is 'ringing in

something to share while the woman, too, is 'ringing

in something to share No'ody is supposed to 4ome

e/pe4ting the other to do it all When you 4ome into

the marriage ready to depend on your spouse, you

may end up with frustration Bt is a wrong mindset,

4hange it arriage is supposed to 'e a relationship'etween two independent people loo>ing for

interdependen4e Bt is not a relationship 'etween two

dependent persons loo>ing for a 'urden 4arrier 'ut a

relationship 'etween two strong people needing

reinfor4ement

0. Spirit%al "einfor1ement4

The .i'le says 3&wo are "etter than one/ "ecause theyhave a good reward for their la"our For if they fall, theone will lift up his fellow0 "ut woe to him that is alonewhen he falleth/ for he hath not another to help himup!5244l :*;1%$ 8

So loo>ing at this ?erse, it is one of the reasons whyyou should want to get married

26


27/85

Deut *&$ goes on to as> (ow could one man chase athousand, or two put ten thousand to 1ight, R J

@esus also steps in here to say in att %=*%;1#$ 3)gain 'say unto you, &hat if two of you shall agree on earth as

touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall "e donefor them of my Father which is in heaven For where twoor three are gathered together in my name, there am ' inthe midst of them!

We see here that the power of agreement is unleashedwhen two people 4an agree on something The 4ouplehas the highest 4han4e here

3. *are4

arriage is for 'oth partners to 4are for ea4h other Bt is

not a pla4e where someone 4omes in with a mentality of

someone to 4are for them As> yourself, what am B

'ringing into the relationshipR

Am B e)uipped enough to 'e a'le to 4are for some'odyR

How responsi'le am B for some other person to lean on

meR Am B 4aring enoughR 2t4

5. Pro1reation4

arriage is also for pro4reation This e/plains why two

years after marriage, if the 4ouple is still a 4ouple and

there is no new mem'er in the family, people 'egin to

as> )uestions This is so 'e4ause they are e/pe4ting

multipli4ation from this 4ouple Bt is Cod+s design to

4ontinue His wor> of 4reation through the 4ouple Fromman+s 4reation, during the denition of his mission

statement, he told them J.e fruitful and multiply No

matter your situation, B want you to >now that you ha?e

all it ta>es to fulll your di?ine mandate That is why if

you understand your position of authority and your

mandate of dominion, you will tell e?ery tra4e of

'areness to disappear in your life27


28/85

6. To A#oid Forni1ation

Bt is also ?ery important to note that a44ording to Paul,

marriage is also to a?oid forni4ation Bn % !or 7*# he says

%evertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have

his own wife, and let every woman have her own

hus"and!

This means that when someone is married, there is a

pro?ision to o?er4ome the temptation of forni4ation No

dou't Paul says it is 'etter to marry than to 'urn When

you are married, there is a pro?ision for a J4ooling This

helps to a?oid forni4ation in the 4hur4h

)+en and )+$ S+o%ld a 7rot+er Marr$-

ou must ha?e found a 4ompanion ou must ha?e found

someone you truly lo?e and 4are for Some'ody you 4an

spend time with, play with tal> and plan with ou must

ha?e found someone you 4an li?e together with, grow

with and 'ring forth 4hildren with

Don+t get married out of parental or so4ietal pressure

Cet married 'e4ause you ha?e found the right partner

who 4an help you in your ?ision or purpose in life

ou must ha?e found something you are doing that

needs a helper ou must ha?e dis4o?ered your purpose

and you are fullling it and you need someone to help

youou ha?e found some'ody you lo?e, nourish and 4herish

A young man should >now they are ready for marriage

when they ha?e found someone they 4an 4are for,

nourish and 4ause to ourish 52ph 0*#=1#;8

2?ery lady, no matter their lo?e languages has a desire

for words of armation When you ha?e found someone

on whom you 4an la?ish praise, someone you 4an say28


29/85

words of armations e?eryday, someone you want to

en4ourage to high le?els of su44ess Then you 4an say

you are ready to marry 5Pro? &$< 0*%=8

)+en and )+$ S+o%ld )omen Marr$-ou should >now that you are ready to marry when you

ha?e found a man you want to help (emem'er the Lord

said, B will ma>e him a helper suita'le for him As>

yourself* is this the right person for me to help? 2ill ' "e

happy helping this man for the rest of my life? The

primary role of a woman is that of a helper So if the man

is not doing something, he is not ready for help yetou must ha?e found a man you 4an su'mit to Bf you are

not ready to su'mit to that man, don+t a44ept his

proposal 'e4ause you will frustrate him and frustrate

your own self in the pro4ess

Bf you are a44epting to get married to that man, you

must 'e ready to honour and promote him

Going 7e$ond ependen1e

to Interdependen1e

any partners get into marriage with a dependen4y

syndrome They go into marriage loo>ing for a

shoulder to lean on They ha?e ne?er prepared their

own shoulder for some'ody to lean on 'ut they wantsome else+s for them to lean on

any of su4h people get frustrated in their marriages

'e4ause they may also meet a Jhandi4apped partner

who was loo>ing for some'ody to 4arry their 'urdens

Now two people loo>ing for some'ody to 4are for them

ha?e met and none was prepared to 4are for the other

They end up disappointed ou hear the man may say29


30/85

JB lost my mom when B was young, B was loo>ing for a

mother in you eanwhile the lady says JB was

loo>ing for a father in you

Bt is important to note here that marriage is not for

two dependent people loo>ing for some'ody to lean onarriage is a relationship 'etween two independent people

loo>ing for interdependen4e Bt is a relationship 'etween

two strong and 4apa'le people who ha?e their own

resour4es 'ut they re4ognie that 'f ' #oin my forces with

this person, we will "ecome much stronger!

ou 4an li?e alone, 'ut all alone, you 4annot a44omplish

mu4h So you loo> for some'ody with whom you 4an oinfor4es (emem'er two are 'etter than one

.efore you get married, you should already 'e a happy

person Don+t get married e/pe4ting your partner to ma>e

you happy our happiness should 4ome from Cod, not from

your spouse

When you get married as a happy person, if your marriage

is a plus to your life, it should ma>e you happ ier DonVt getmarried to 'e happy

)+at are 8o% 7ringing into t+e

"elation'+ip-

.e4ause of su4h pro'lems of emptiness and

disappointment that some 4ouples fa4e in their homes, it is

important to >now that when you are 4oming into therelationship, as> yourself* JWhat am B 4oming to gi?eR What

4ontri'ution am B 'ringing into the relationshipR How will B

ma>e my spouse happyR Not Jhow will my spouse ma>e

me happyR Bn this 4ase, you are as>ing yourself what you

ha?e to oGer, not what you deser?e to re4ei?e

Li>e @ohn F Kennedy, you apply his saying marriage style

JDon+t as> what your spouse 4an do for you, as> what you30


31/85

4an do for your spouse

ou should as> yourself* JHow 4an B lo?e my spouse and

ma>e himIher feel proud heIshe got married to the right

personR

.efore you get married, ta>e an in?entory of your ownemotional, psy4hologi4al, why not nan4ial and material

assets Are you a lia'ility in that marriage or are you an

assetR

a>e up your mind that you will enter your marriage

home as an asset, not a lia'ility

*+apter 5

T+e Importan1e of Preparation in Ha#inga F%l9lling

Marriage Life

.efore the Ameri4an go?ernment sent the rst

human 'eing to the moon, they spent se?eral years

preparing for the ?oyage .efore any seasoned 4hoir

goes to the platform, they may spend a'out ten hours

in their pra4ti4e sessions to sing a song of a'out ?e

minutes

Bt is said that a 4hampion 'o/er is identied in the

ring 'ut he was made out of the ring through se?eral

hours of pra4ti4e sessions in the gym, 'o/ing 'ags and

se?eral other aero'i4 e/er4ises Similarly, a su44essful31


32/85

marriage is ust a demonstration of se?eral hours of

training through reading, personal de?elopments, self

impro?ement, learning to 'e responsi'le, et4

Preparation is what you do 'efore the a4tual e?ent

not what you do during the e?ent

any people want to get married 'ut Cod will not

permit them 'e4ause they are not prepared Cod will

not li>e to ta>e his sonIdaughter He has trained,

pruned and prepared and gi?e it to someone who is

4rude and unprepared -ne of the reasons some

'rothersIsisters are growing old without a life partneris partly 'e4ause Cod has weighed them in a 'alan4e

and they are found wanting So He gi?es them time to

prepare Broni4ally, instead of preparing, they are

4rying for a life partner Napoleon Hill says when the

pupil is ready, the teacher appears

T+e$ i' no a11idental '%11e'' inmarriage: e#er$ '%11e''f%l marriage wa'

prepared for.

Bnterestingly enough, you don+t prepare for marriage

in marriage, you prepare for marriage 'efore you get

married Bt is said in our 4ommon parlan4e, you don+t

feed your fowl in the mar>et, the mar>et is a pla4e fordisplay of what you ha?e 'een doing 'a4> at home

Bf a 'o/er does not train at home, if a foot'all team

does not spend time to train only waiting for the day of

the mat4h, they are setting themsel?es up for

frustration Similarly, without preparation towards your

marriage, you are setting yourself up for frustration

and regrets32


33/85

As we pointed out 'efore, many young people

prepare for the wedding while negle4ting the

marriage The wedding is only an initiation into

marriage, the day after wedding is when the marriage

a4tually 'egins So it ma>es all the sense to gi?e more

attention where it is neededUthe marriage, not the

wedding

A. How o 8o% Prepare 7efore Marriage-

The rst area of preparation is to go for

knowledge.(ead as many 'oo>s a'out marriage as possi'le

Attend singles+ seminars, learn from married people

As> )uestions and listen with an intention to learn

-'ser?e su44essful married 4ouples how they li?e and

as> them the se4rets of their su44ess

Bn Winner+s !hapel, 'efore a young man goes to the

altar for marriage, it is re)uired that you must ha?e

read at least %0 'oo>s on marriage Bf you read %0

'oo>s on marriage 'efore you get married, your

>nowledge 'an> will 'e ready to ta>e oG the marriage

on a good footing

Lately while tal>ing to an intending 4ouple, we as>ed

them how many 'oo>s they ha?e read on marriageNone of them had read up to two 'oo>s on marriage B

thought a'out what people do to get a 'a4helors

degree in any dis4ipline, you will read 'oo>s, ma>e

resear4h, 'urn the mid night 4andle, go to the li'rary,

et4 ust to prepare you for a 4areer that may not e?en

last for ten years B started wondering, how 4ome when

it 4omes to marriage, something that 4an determine33


34/85

whether you end up a happy person or an unhappy

person in life< a relationship that 4an determine

whether you go to hell or hea?en, how 4ome when

people are going into this relationship, they gi?e no

time to prepare and read materials that will help them

su44eed in the relationshipR

Without >nowledge, your marriage may 4rum'le

(emem'er the Word says y people are destroyed for

la4> of >nowledge any marriages are 'eing

destroyed for la4> of >nowledge Dear single, go for

>nowledge and sa?e your future marriage

a; Learn t+e Fi#e Lo#e Lang%age'

B will suggest to e?ery single to read the 'oo> &he

Five ove anguages 'y Carry !hapman This 'oo>

shows you the diGerent ways people e/press lo?e and

how to understand your spouse+s lo?e language and

how to e/press lo?e to them in the way that theyunderstand and feel your lo?e There are many

frustrated lo?ers in our so4iety today 'e4ause they

spea> a language their spouse 4annot understand

When you learn your spouse+s lo?e language, lo?e now

'e4omes a de4ision 'e4ause you >now what to do to

4ommuni4ate lo?e to your spouse

b; Learn to be *ompetent in "ole' t+at 8o% )illHa#e to Pla$ in Marriage

For the ladies, learn to 4oo> Bf you don+t >now some

4ommon dishes, draw 4loser to the ummies in the

4hur4h or around you who >now them and as> them to

tea4h you 2?ery s>ill 4an 'e a4)uired through 4areful

learning and instru4tions -ne of the most disgra4eful

34


35/85

things in the life of a woman is to go into her

hus'and+s home without >nowing how to 4oo>

For the men, it is important that you learn how to

ta>e responsi'ilities As a man, the home will 'e

leaning on your shoulders so there is no way you will

a?oid ta>ing responsi'ilities That is why it is important

for a man to ha?e li?ed alone away from his parents+

shelter 'efore he gets married This is to test his

responsi'ility mus4les

1; )ork on 8o%r *+ara1ter

Another 4riti4al area of preparation is to wor> on your4hara4ter Loo> at your life ?ery 4riti4ally The .i'lesays Jdo unto others what you will want others to dounto you! As> yourself, JBf my spouse has the same4hara4ter li>e mine, will B 'e a'le to li?e with themRWhen you as> most men and women to gi?e the)ualities of their dream partner, they will gi?e you)ualities of an angel 'ut when you loo> at their own

li?es, they ha?e the )ualities of a de?il Bt appears nowas a de?il wanting to get married to an angel

This is the tri4>, ta>e a sheet of paper or a marriage

e/er4ise 'oo>, write down all the )ualities you will li>e

to see in your dream spouse After you ha?e written

them down, loo> through the list and 'egin to de?elop

those same )ualities The law of attra4tion will 'e put

to wor> 'e4ause li>e attra4ts li>e

Always start with yourself, don+t go in sear4h of the

perfe4t mate .e4ome a perfe4t+ mate rst then Cod will

'ring another prepared mate

d; )ork on 8o%r Emotion'

There are two things B always ad?ise 4ouples and to1

'e partners to wor> on in their li?es35


36/85

i; Learn to Forgi#e

Forgi?eness is a ?ery 4ru4ial ?irtue in marriage

Without the a'ility to forgi?e, you marriage will 'e

short li?ed or will 'e full of tension and 'itterness

arriage has 'een des4ri'ed as a relationship

'etween two forgi?ers Bf you ha?e a 'la4> 'oo> where

you write down the faults of your partner, that

marriage will soon suGo4ate and 4ho>e to death B will

suggest you get a 4opy of my 'oo> 3n#oying the

Bene$ts of ForgivenessBnterestingly, many people are

hindered from getting married 'e4ause they ha?erefused to forgi?e some people who disappointed

them We are going to deal with this when we will 'e

tal>ing a'out 'rea>ing soul ties

How do you learn forgi?enessR Start 'y 'eing

tolerant and forgi?ing to your friends, 'rothers, sisters,

s4hool mates, neigh'ours, et4 'efore you e?en get

married

ii; eal )it+ 8o%r Anger

Anger is one of the most destru4ti?e emotions that

e/ist Bt is one of the emotions that is at the root of

almost e?ery single di?or4e in the law 4ourts today Bf

you learn to deal with your anger, you ha?e redu4ed

the fri4tion in your marriage and your relationships to

a tiny fra4tion B will also suggest that you read my

'oo> on this su'e4t 2inning the Battle -ver )nger

Cod has led me to deal a lot with emotional topi4s

'e4ause He taught me that a person who 4an 4ontrol

his emotions, 4an 'ring many areas of his life under36


37/85

4ontrol with ease

How do you learn anger 4ontrolR Start in your home,

with your parents, 'rothers and sisters, mates and

friends De4ide not to a4t out of anger De4ide not to gi?e

people a pie4e of your mind, rather gi?e them a pie4e ofyour lo?e 'e4ause lo?e dwells in you sin4e the day you

ga?e you life to the Lord @esus !hrist Permit people to

trample on your rights without ghting 'a4> in the way

you always did De4ide to hold your tongue under

4ontrol (efuse to spea> words that hurt (efuse to allow

a'usi?e language to 4ome out of your mouth

2ndea?our to 'e hyper tolerant and patient with

people All these re)uire eGort and determination

e.; eal )it+ 7ad Habit'

There are se?eral 'ad ha'its that 4an ruin a home

The ha'it of dirtiness, selshness, tal>ing when you

should 'e listening, et4 must 'e dealt with

2/amine your life and deal with ha'its that 4an 'ringfri4tion to a marriage Wor> on them now 'efore you

go into the ring of marriage where you will either 'e

de4lared a 4hampion or loser Bf you wor> on them

now, you will surely 'e de4lared a 4hampion

Learn to 'e neat and dress well Learn ta'le

manners Learn 4olour 4om'ination in your dressing

Some 'rothers nd it di4ult to get a sister for

marriage 'e4ause they don+t pay any attention to their

dressing There are some small things that do not

seem to matter 'ut in a4tual sense they play a 'ig

role

7. Fail%re "ate in 7%'ine'' and Fail%re

"ate in Marriage37


38/85

Statisti4s a'out 'usiness in Ameri4a show that one

out of e?ery ten newly 4reated 'usinesses sur?i?e Put

it diGerently, nine out of e?ery ten newly 4reated

'usinesses fail (o'ert Kiyosa>i pointed out that nine

out of e?ery ten 'usinesses fail 'e4ause people don+t

a4)uire the ne4essary >nowledge and preparation in

starting a new 'usiness Bn his opinion, if people

a4)uired the >nowledge a'out how the 'usiness world

operates, understand the sta>es and what to do, the

failure rate in 'usiness will drop signi4antly Similarly,

the statisti4s a'out marriage in the S ha?e shown

that ?e out of e?ery ten marriages fail B also want to

suggest here that many of these marriages fail

'e4ause of la4> of >nowledge due to poor preparation

Bf the singles will prepare ade)uately for marriage,

they will redu4e the pro'a'ility of di?or4e to a ?ery

tiny per4entage Now you see how 4ru4ial preparation

is to a su44essful marriage So, go to wor> nowM*. !nder'tanding Men and )omen4

Gender i

fa4tor and enhan4e understanding in marriage

-ne of the 4hara4teristi4s of the typi4al woman is that

she is naturally tal>ati?e A woman li>es to dis4uss

She is always loo>ing for some'ody to spend time with

to tal> That e/plains why it is 4ommon for women to

gossip 'e4ause they are loo>ing for some'ody to38


39/85

share with When there is no meaningful thing to

dis4uss, they tend to gossip to ll the gap

-n the other hand, men li>e to spend time ree4ting

They spend time thin>ing and trying to get solutions to

some plaguing pro'lems in the home, at the o' pla4e,

4hur4h, et4

A woman li>es to spend time tal>ing with her hus'and

how the day was and she also wants the man to tell

her how his day was meanwhile after a tiring day, the

man wants to rest Now if the man will not re4ognie

the need to gi?e his wife some hearing time and thewoman too re4ognie that she must also gi?e the man

some time to rest, there will 'e a 4lash of interest

'e4ause the two partners do not understand the 'asi4

diGeren4es

en are logi4al 'eings while women are emotional

'eings When a man has a pro'lem, he will li>e to sit

)uietly all 'y himself and try to sort out the issuestrou'ling him He 4an e?en stay silent in front of

some'ody who 4an gi?e him a solution to his pro'lem

This e/plains why many men ne?er go for 4ounseling

from their pastors -n the other hand, when the

woman has a pro'lem, she is loo>ing for some'ody to

share her pro'lem with At times she may e?en share

her pro'lem with some'ody who has nothing to dowith the solution She does this ust to relie?e herself

When she spea>s out, she feels relie?ed as if the

pro'lem has 'een sol?ed This e/plains why women

often go for 4ounseling from their pastor than men

They e?en do more medi4al ?isits than men

A woman is gi?en to details meanwhile a man ust

39


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*+apter 6

Ma=imi>ing 8o%r Single+ood

any young people are 4aught up in the we' and 4rae

of marriage that they don+t ma/imie and enoy their

singlehood There is a purpose why e?ery'ody is rst

single 'efore they get married ou must understand the

purpose of this period and >now what to do with it

There are some things you 4annot eGe4ti?ely do in

marriage at least not to the same degree you used to do

it while single During this period, you ma>e sure that

you ma/imie all those areas 'efore the real marriage

where other responsi'ilities may not permit you to do

those things to the same degree

To ma/imie your singlehood, these are some things you

must do 4onstantly

,. Pra$4

Spend ample time in prayer, praying for yourself, your

4areer, your future partner, your 4hildren, et4 ha?e all

night prayers as you wish 'e4ause a time will 4ome when

you must ta>e permission to ha?e an all night prayer

/. Fa't and Pra$4ou need to spend time fasting and praying What B wantyou to get here is that you e/er4ise yourself spiritually@oin other singles to fast and pray Ta>e all the fastingretreats you 4an now B remem'er when B was single, all B

needed to do was de4ide to go for a retreat and oG B go41


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.ut this time, 'efore B go for a retreat, B ha?e to planse?eral wee>s ahead, tal> it o?er with my wife, loo> atthe state of the house and the 4hur4h and ma>epreparations up front 'efore B go And e?en after that, to

fully 4on4entrate in the retreat is not ?ery easy 'e4auseyou want to >now the state of your family and otherissues that hang on your shoulders So right now,ma/imie your time the 'est you 4an When there isnothing to 'e 4on4erned a'out

.e a4ti?e in your youth group in 4hur4h or where?er you

are .e in?ol?ed in any wor> in the 4hur4h Ci?e yourself

to the ser?i4e of Cod in the deepest way possi'le

0. St%d$4Spend time to study (ead through the .i'le se?eraltimes, read !hristian literature (ead 'oo>s on marriage,on your emotional life, on 4hara4ter 'uilding .roadenyour mind on as many 'oo>s as you 4an

This should 'e the time to feed your mind until your

mind 'e4omes ?ery produ4ti?e

3. E#angeli'e4This should 'e a good time you transfer as many sinnersinto the >ingdom of Cod as you 4an Co on mission tripsingdom now that you ha?eall the time, is it when B gi?e you a hus'andIwife that youwill do itR Don+t 4ause Cod to thin> twi4e 'efore gi?ingyou your partner

5. Grow Spirit%all$442


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De?elop your spiritual mus4les a>e sure you grow

spiritually this time 'y studying and meditating in the

Word of Cod for se?eral hours a day arriage re)uires

spiritual maturity for its sustenan4e

6. F%rt+er 8o%r Ed%1ation4

Bnstead of waiting for marriage, enhan4e your worth in

the so4iety Cet all the edu4ation you 4an now that you

don+t ha?e weights you 4arry To single ladies and men

who did not ha?e an opportunity to ha?e a good

edu4ation, 4at4h up now B ha?e 4ounseled with some

ladies who spo>e to me with tears in their hearts,some in their eyes how they ha?e lost a 4ouple of

wonderful suitors who found out that all they had is

FSL!Uthe 'asi4 elementary 4erti4ate in !ameroon

Please, we are li?ing in a world of >nowledge Don+t

spiritualise, please upgrade

?. i'1o#er God@' P%rpo'e for 8o%r Life4

Cetting married without >nowing your uni)ue 4alling,your gifts and talents is a formula for 4onfusion

espe4ially for the man While still a single, pray, study

and wor> to dis4o?er your purpose in life B will suggest

you read my 'oo>* Discovering and Ma4imi5ing 6our

Gifts, &alents and 7alling

There are so many things you 4an do to ma/imie and

enoy your singlehood in a godly way, nd them out,

go ahead and do them while preparing for your dream

spouse

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*+apter ?nowing T+e T+ree ind' of Lo#e T+at

Lead to Marriage

any people hurry into marriage in the name of lo?e

They don+t realise that there are so many things thatare 4onsidered lo?e in our so4iety today Some people

4onsider infatuation as lo?e, some thin> their lustful

thoughts are lo?e Some others mista>e se/ual

attra4tion as lo?e When it 4omes to marriage, there is

e?ery reason to sit down and gure out what you 4all

lo?e and to >now whether it is really what you thin>

you are loo>ing forThere are three main types of lo?e that lead to

marriage and they all must 'e present in the order

presented here to e/pe4t a lasting and fullling

marriage relationship Let+s 'riey 4onsider the three

here*

Noteworthy is that the diGerent forms of lo?e are

arranged in their as4ending order The rst is thefoundation, the se4ond and the third must 4ome in

that order

A; AGAPE L&VE4

Agape lo?e has its foundation in Cod Bt is the >ind of

lo?e that gi?es and sa4ri4es for the highest good of

another person Bt is a >ind of lo?e that is 4ompletely44


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unselsh, always thin>ing of others Bt is a lo?e that

inspires you to do great things for Cod Bt is the >ind of

lo?e that is un4onditional Bt the lo?e nature Cod gi?es

to those who truly re4ei?e Him into their li?es as Lord

and Sa?iour and permits Him to wor> it out in their

own li?es This >ind of lo?e 4an 'e seen in , *or.

1+apter ,0

Two Main *+ara1teri'ti1' of Agape Lo#e

a. *ompletel$ !n'el9'+ Bit see>s that whi4h is 'est

for the one it lo?es Bt is not loo>ing for what will'enet them 'ut those they lo?e

b. *ommitted lo#eE it >eeps on lo?ing no matter

what happens Bt is an un4onditional lo?e Bt does not

lo?e when things are going on well and hate when

things are not going on well As Cod lo?es us when we

please Him and still lo?es us when we diso'ey him,

that is how agape lo?e is He e?en lo?es the sinner inhis sin, e?en though He hates the sin of the sinner

Agape lo?e separates the mista>e from the person,

hates the mista>e 'ut lo?es the person

The sour4e of agape lo?e is Cod Agape lo?e is not ust

a 'eautiful feeling, it is the denite 4hoi4e of the will

When you 4hoose to lo?e unselshly and a4t lo?ingly

towards them, in time you will ha?e the feelings of

lo?e towards them

ou 4an start pra4tising to see and thin> in terms of

others right now in your family Bf you are always

thin>ing of yourself, the li>elihood will transfer into

your marital home

This agape lo?e should 'e the lo?e you ha?e for all45


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human 'eings as @esus said, you lo?e your neigh'our

as you lo?e yourself

7. F"IENSHIP L&VE4This is the warm lo?e and aGe4tion we ha?e for good

friends E people whom we li>e and enoy These friends

4an 'e from the opposite se/ or same se/ With su4h

people, you 4an dis4uss ust anything with or without

limits Su4h people are fun to 'e with and they

understand you ?ery well our ?ery good friends 4an

gi?e you ad?i4e when you ha?e a pro'lem and they

pro?ide you an a?aila'le shoulder to lean on

We are to ha?e agape lo?e for e?ery'ody 'ut we

4annot 'e 4lose to e?ery'ody

To ha?e a su44essful marriage, you need friendship

lo?e for your mate, so that you enoy 'eing together,

tal>ing and sharing things with ea4h other

*. SEC!AL L&VE4

This is that most spe4ial and most intimate >ind oflo?e 'etween a hus'and and wife We should ha?e

se/ual lo?e for only one person E the person to whom

we are married Bn se/ual lo?e, there is that aspe4t of

se/ual attra4tion where you are physi4ally attra4ted to

the person you want to get married to Bt may 'e their

'eauty or a lo?ely gure ou feel proud when you

wal> around or go on a date together with the o'e4t

of your lo?e

Cod ga?e se/ 'oth as a means of produ4ing 4hildren

and for pleasure Through se/, a hus'and and wife 4an

e/press to the fullest their lo?e for ea4h other This is

one of the great 'lessings and pri?ileges of marriage

The reason why Cod for'ids forni4ation and adultery is46


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that it pollutes the marriage union ta>ing away the

real pleasure Cod intended for 4ouples As wonderful

as se/ual lo?e is, it 4an ne?er 'e the foundation for a

su44essful marriage

For a S%11e''f%l Marriage:

)e Need All T+ree T$pe' of Lo#e

All the three are needed in lo?e li>e a three legged tool

that gi?es it 'alan4e Bf only two legs, it will not ha?e

'alan4e

These types of lo?e must 4ome in the right order

Agape rst, friendship se4ond and se/ual last

nfortunately, many young people re?erse the order with the

Spirit of Cod, He will produ4e Cod+s >ind of lo?e in your

heart From here, we 4an lo?e others and our spouse

as we should Bf the hus'and and wife lo?e ea4h other

unselshly, there will 'e a little paradise here on earth

4alled their home

e9nition of Some *onf%'ing2 )ord'

There are many 4onfusing words people use in the

pla4e of lo?e Bt would 'e important then to gi?e some47


48/85

'rief denitions so that we will 'e a'le to distinguish

'etween the other things that loo> li>e lo?e and true

lo?e

)+at i' l%'t-

Lust is a ?ery strong se/ual desire A passionate desire

for something Lust is 4ompletely selsh B want it for

me, B want it now The target of lust is to get

something for itself

Bn the 'oo> of # Sam* %& The 'i'li4al e/ample of

Amnon, Da?id+s son+s relationship with Tamar his half1sister is a good e/ample He desired her so mu4h that

he fell si4> Bt ended up in rape After the e/perien4e

the .i'le says the hatred he had for her was stronger

than the lo?e he felt for her That was lust

)+at i' Se=%al Attra1tion-

Se/ual attra4tion is an attra4tion that e/ists 'etween a

'oy and a girl Bt is ust natural We are 'uilt to 'e thatway Bf you are not, then there is something wrong

Sin o44urs when we try to satisfy our se/ual dri?e in

the wrong way

To 'e se/ually attra4ted to someone does not mean

that you are in lo?e with that person en easily

'e4ome attra4ted to ladies with a 'eautiful fa4e, ni4eshape, shining 4omple/ion, et4 su4h people, if not

well 4oa4hed will say they are in lo?e

)+at i' Infat%ation-

Bnfatuation is what is 4alled, lo?e at rst sight

Bnfatuation has elements of se/ual attra4tion and lust

oined together

Bnfatuation has also 'een des4ri'ed as 'eing 'lindly in48


49/85

lo?e, 'eing inspired 'y an intense 'ut short1li?ed

passion or admiration for a mem'er of the opposite

se/ Bnfatuation is a state where some'ody is Jmade

foolish 'y lo?e Bt is a state of 'eing 4ompletely

4arried away 'y an attra4tion for someone

ay'e you see a girl with the >ind of shape,

4omple/ion or fa4e you admire and you loo> at her so

mu4h that you 'egin to lust after her to the point

where you 'e4ome infatuated

Bt will 'e of interest to you to note that if you analye,

a'out ;$ of the lo?e songs we ha?e in our se4ularmusi4 world that they are 'ased on infatuation .ut

they 4all it Jlo?e

Bn the ne/t 4hapter, we will 4onsider some diGeren4es

'etween infatuation and real lo?e Bt will help you to

identify infatuation so that you donVt get into a

marriage that will frustrate you

)+at i' "eal Lo#e-

An intense feeling of deep aGe4tion A person or thing

that one lo?es

The emphasis of lo?e is on gi?ing Lo?e wants what is

'est for the other person Lo?e is willing to wait for the

right time and the right 4ir4umstan4es

@a4o' and (a4hel in the .i'le are good e/amples here@a4o' wor>ed for se?en years and patiently waited for

the right time without going to 'ed with (a4hel He

was willing to wor> and wait The se?en years seemed

li>e a few days

Bf you nd someone who says heIshe lo?es you and

the ne/t dire4tion the person wants is the 'ed, please

distan4e yourself from that person49


50/85

*+apter D Learning t+e i


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identify whether it is lo?e or infatuation that is at wor>

in your life 2motions do lie and if you don+t

understand it you will 'e de4ei?ed

A. )+at i' Infat%ation-

Bnfatuation has 'een des4ri'ed as 'eing 'lindly in lo?e,

'eing inspired 'y an intense 'ut short1li?ed passion or

admiration for a mem'er of the opposite se/

Bnfatuation is a state where some'ody is made foolish

'y lo?e Bnfatuation is a state of 'eing 4ompletely

4arried away 'y an attra4tion for someone

Some people say that lo?e is 'lind, that is wrong Thefa4t is that it is infatuation that is 'lind Some young

people who are infatuated say you 4an+t e/plain lo?e

Bt 4omes and goes 'y itself

An infatuated person 4annot usually thin> of something

or someone else 'ut the person they are Jin lo?e with Bt

is an e/iting e/perien4e E an emotional high E 'ut it

ne?er lasts long 'e4ause it is not true lo?e7. *l%e' to Identif$ing Infat%ation

From the 'oo> nderstanding Lo?e and Se/, 'y @ohn

Doe, he gi?es some distinguishing )ualities that will

ma>e the identi4ation of infatuation easy How 4an

you >now you are infatuatedR ou tend to idolie the

person you thin> you+re in lo?e with 2?erything heIshe

says or does seems ust right to you ou 4an see no

aws in hisIher life -ther people 4an see plenty of

Jdanger signs 'ut you 4an+t see them 'e4ause you

are 'lindly in lo?e

ou tend to 'e disorganised ou 'e4ome irresponsi'le,

you negle4t your duties

.elow are some 4lues that 4an identify infatuation*51


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%)+at i' t+e Maor Attra1tion-

ou are mainly 4arried away 'y the physi4al 'eauty of

the person, attra4ti?e fa4e, lo?ely gure, fame, et4

All those physi4al )ualities are li>e wrappings around agift ou 4ould ha?e 'eautiful wrapping 'ut worthlessgifts Physi4al 'eauty will not last fore?er The .i'le isplain on this, it says in Pro? &%*&$ JFavour is deceitful,and "eauty is vain0 "ut a woman that feareth the -.D,she shall "e praised! As important as 'eauty 4an 'e, itshould not 'e your reason for marrying that person(emem'er, there are 'eautiful wrappings 4arryingworthless gifts inside

-n the other hand, if $o%r lo#e i' real lo#e: it will

+a#e it' intere't' i' in t+e total per'on.

/. How Man$ T+ing' Abo%t T+at Per'on Attra1t

8o%-

When it is infatuation,ust a few thrilling things attra4t

you to that person Bt 4ould 'e the way the personsmiles, the way heIshe wal>s, the shape, the fa4e, et4

-n the other hand, when it is real lo?e, mo't of t+e

%alitie' 1+ara1ter: attit%de' and intere't': t+e

wa$ '+e 'ing': talk': #oi1e: et1.; of t+e per'on

will attra1t $o%.This is important 'e4ause when you

get married, you may realise that you need so many

things in 4ommon

0. How id It StartR

Bnfatuation starts fast There is no su4h thing as real

lo?e at rst sight 'ut there is infatuation at rst sight

When you hear some'ody say Jthe moment B saw

herIhim, B >new that heIshe was the one That is

infatuation52


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&n t+e ot+er +and: if it i' real lo#e: it alwa$'

'tart' 'lowl$. (eal lo#e grow' o#er time. T+e

more $o% know t+e per'on: t+e more $o% lo#e

and appre1iate t+em.

No other way ou ha?e to >now a person 'efore you

4an truly lo?e the person and this ta>es time 2?en

4ouples don+t yet 4ompletely >now who they are

married to after ten years

3. How *on'i'tent i' 8o%r Intere't-

When infatuation is in?ol?ed, your interest in ea4h

other 'lows hot and 4old -ne reason is that yourinterest grew so fast that the roots are shallow ou will

realise that today you lo?e the person so mu4h and

the ne/t day, you don+t feel li>e you really lo?e

himIher again These 4onstant swit4hing of feelings

are gi?ing you a signal

-n the other hand, w+en it i' real lo#e: $o%r

feeling' are likel$ to be warm and tenderinsteadof hot and 4old

5. How doe' it a around li>e in a daydream Bf you hear a girl saying

JB >now he has faults, 'ut nothing really matters, e/4ept

the lo?e we ha?e for ea4h other This is infatuation

PeriodM Bf they get married, she would soon realise that

those little things matter ?ery mu4h

-n the other hand, if it i' real lo#e: t+e one $o% lo#e

will bring o%t $o%r be't %alitie' and make $o%

want to be a better per'on. A 'oy said JB lo?e her not

53


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only 'e4ause she is so wonderful, 'ut 'e4ause she is

su4h an en4ouragement to me to 'e the right >ind of

person Bn real lo?e you plan and prepare yourself for a

su44essful future marriage

?. How o &t+er' View 8o%r "elation'+ip-

When what other people say does not matter to you,

all that matters is your lo?e relationship to that

person, it is a 4lear indi4ation that this is infatuation Bt

does not mean that if it is true lo?e, there will 'e no

opposition Howe?er, if it is infatuation many 4lose

people to you will 4aution you on the relationship

Bnfatuated people will not 4are what others ha?e to

say

-n the other hand, w+en it i' real lo#e: man$

1lo'e people to $o% will appro#e of t+e

relation'+ip. our friends will generally li>e the

person instead of resenting or opposing the person

D. Are 8o% Sel9'+ or Sele''-When it is infatuation, you are more 4on4erned with

your feelings of lo?e and you will e?en want to ma>e

lo?e to the person 'efore the appropriate time This is

'e4ause you are only thin>ing of your own lo?e

feelings instead of the good of the other person

-n the other hand, w+en it i' real lo#e: $o% will

be patient and be more 1on1erned wit+ t+e

dignit$ and 1on1ern $o% +a#e for t+e ot+er

per'on.ou will want to prote4t the relationship from

guilt and shame tomorrow

*+apter Area' of Preparation for

54


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A La'ting Marriage

Bt is important to >now that marriage needs ade)uate

preparation 'efore you 4an get into it There arediGerent areas of preparation 'ut we are going to loo>

at three le?els here whi4h are ?ery important

T+ree Area' of Preparation

% 7iologi1al4

To go into marriage, you must 'e 'iologi4ally ready This

means you should 'e the right age and healthy The

good news here is that this does not re)uire mu4h eGort

All you need to do is to eat well and 'efore you realie it,

you will 'e ready 'iologi4ally Howe?er, laws in ?arious

4ountries go?ern the minimum age for marriage The

!ameroon go?ernment for e/ample has set the ages at

#% years for 'oys and %= years for girls to get married

any marriage 4ounsellors suggest that the man should

'e at least #0 years while the lady should 'e at least ##

years for a su44essful marriage B am sure these ages

ha?e a part to play in the other areas of preparation we

will see 'elow

/. Emotional and P'$1+ologi1al4

This has to do with emotional intelligen4e This area of

preparation is ?ery important 'e4ause without it, the

marriage 4annot su44eed 2motional maturity will

mean your way of responding to people who hurt you

!an you 'e angry and still manage to hold yourself

without turning sourR How will you treat some'ody

who a'uses you, treats you nastily, et4

Psy4hologi4al maturity tal>s of the way you see and55


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interpret things Bt+s a >ind of mental preparation to

deal with e?ents the way they should 'e dealt with

B on4e heard the true story of a 4ouple who after their

wedding, at night, when they entered into the house,

the man left to see oG some family mem'ers -n

4oming 'a4> to the room, he 4ould not see the girl

When he 4alled her name and as>ed where she was,

the lady responded under the 'ed and said JDo you

thin> B don+t >now what you want to do to meR B >now

what you are planning, B will not 4ome out of this

pla4e The matter 'e4ame so serious that the parentsof the girl had to 'e 'rought in to 4oa4h the girl and

prepare her for the ine?ita'le ou >now what B meanM

This girl was not psy4hologi4ally prepared

To enhan4e your psy4hologi4al preparation, you ha?e

to read, study and see ahead

B li>e what the Winners+ !hapel Bnternational inistries

do They re4ommend intending 4ouples to ha?e readat least %0 'oo>s 'efore their wedding day 2?en

though it seems too high a target, 'ut when you 'eat

it, you are on the side of >nowledge that will 'ail you

out of mu4h trou'le

B was tea4hing in a singles seminar lately and B said

anointing does not wor> in the home, it is >nowledge

that wor>s in the home ou may 'e ?ery anointed 'ut

if you don+t ha?e >nowledge to run your home, your

home may 4rum'le The anointing will 'e ?ery helpful

if si4>ness steals into the home 'ut to ha?e a

harmonious marriage, there are no short 4uts

Knowledge is indispensa'le

0. Finan1ial456


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Finan4ial preparation 4annot 'e o?er emphasied The

man must 'e a'le to foot the 'asi4 'ills that lead to a

su44essful family life ou must 'e a'le to feed

yourself and your spouse

Bt is important for the man in parti4ular to ma>e sure

that he has a sour4e of in4ome so that he 4an ta>e

4are of his family So while praying for a life partner,

also ha?e a plan for nan4ial a4ti?ities that will >eep

that marriage going

To the sister, it is also ?ery important to 'e gainfully

employed 'e4ause you are supposed to 'e a helper toyour hus'and

That is why e?en during 4ourtship, one of the issues

under 4onsideration is nan4e, how to ma>e the

ne4essary nan4es that will 'e ne4essary to ta>e 4are

of the home

57


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*+apter ,J

ealing wit+ Emotional

Handi1ap' In "elation'+ip'

There are many emotionally handi4apped persons whoare ma>ing relationships di4ult for their partners

'e4ause they are not e?en aware of their handi4ap

B ha?e dis4o?ered this in the li?es of many people and

in some areas of my life B lost my mother 'efore the

age of ?e and B grew up with others who were not

fully de?eloped emotionally either These people also

had their own emotional handi4aps and one at a gi?en

time a4tually treated me and my elder 'rother as

se4ond 4lass There was no real lo?e B did not e?en

>now what it meant to 'e petted and 'a'ied 'y a

parent From 4lass one in primary s4hool B had to wash

my own dresses, ta>e 4are of myself in many ways

'e4ause my mother was not there to gi?e me that

motherly 4on4ern When B got married, B was always

trying to ta>e 4are of the home 'y pro?iding food,

paying the 'ills, in fa4t trying to 'e ?ery responsi'le

e?en though my responsi'ility mus4le was still so

wea>

y wife >ept 4omplaining of diGerent areas where B

was not a4ting as a tender and 4aring hus'and B58


59/85

thought B was doing my 'est Bt was later that it stru4>

me that B ha?e an emotional handi4ap and B was not

e?en aware of it

B realied that 'eing 'orn into a polygamous family

where the father li?es in a diGerent house and his

wi?es li?e in their own houses with their 4hildren had

impa4ted me signi4antly Bn addition to the fa4t that B

lost my um when B was a'out four years old, 'eing

raised up for a'out ?e years with a lady who was ust

helping, nally 'eing raised 'y my sister who almost

had the same up'ringing li>e me, B had a se?ereemotional handi4ap B was not e?en aware of This

understanding helped me to see> Cod and as> for

gra4e to 'e the father and hus'and B am supposed to

'e

When B started paying attention to those areas, B

started de?eloping some emotional aspe4ts of me that

were not there Bf B did not 4ome to that realiation Bmay not ha?e 'een a'le to gi?e my wife or my

4hildren the 'est emotional input that they need B

must 4onfess to you that B am still wor>ing on it The

good news howe?er is that B >now what is happening B

am not where B want to 'e 'ut than> Cod B am not

where B used to 'e B am ma>ing progress

From 4ounseling with se?eral people, B ha?e realiedthat there are many people who ha?e emotional

handi4aps There are some things that the partner

ta>es for granted that they should >now 'ut they are

4ompletely ignorant of what they should >now

ou need to e/amine and tal> o?er with your spouse or

partner to >now how they grew up Know a'out their

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4hildhood and things they went through When you ha?e

a perfe4t understanding of these areas, you gi?e yourself

a 'etter 4han4e to >now how to lo?e your partner and

how to help them in those areas of their emotional

handi4apTry to nd out from your partner whether they had any

4hildhood a'uses Try to nd out if they had any

spe4ta4ularly negati?e e?ents that 'rought sho4> to

their li?es

Did they grow up with foster parentsR

Did they grow up with step parents whether a step

mother or fatherR

Did they grow up with wild parents or typi4ally angry

parentsR

Did they grow up with ghting parentsR

Did they grow up with a father who was a drun>R

Were they maltreated in s4hoolR

Did they ser?e for a while as house helpsRDid they grow up with a single parentR

Did they grow up in a polygamous homeR

Did they grow up in se?ere po?erty and miseryR

Did they grow up with typi4al a'sentee parentsR That

is parents who are hardly at homeR

All of these )uestions 4an re?eal a lot of things that willhelp in identifying the areas of handi4ap in your spouse

This is the 4ase 'e4ause the way and the people we grow

up with, ha?e an impa4t in our li?es We ha?e to e/amine

the negati?e patterns that ha?e aGe4ted our li?es from

these people and renew our minds in those areas

Please when you nd out some distressing areas of your

spouse, your attitude should 'e that of support and60


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understanding

Ne?er ma>e a mo4>ery of your spouse+s family or

up'ringing Bt 4an 'e really demoraliing and

em'arrassing

When you nd out these areas of emotional handi4aps,

read 'oo>s in that area Pray for Cod to ll the gap 'y His

Spirit and e/pose yourself to people who are emotionally

strong in those areas Bf you relate with su4h people, you

will 'e learning 'y o'ser?ation and a lot will 4hange

*+apter ,,

7reaking So%l Tie't+at 7ind 8o% to t+e Pa't

any young persons pray for years with no partner

4oming without realiing that spiritually, mentally or

emotionally, they are Jmarried

Bn one of our Singles+ 2n4ounters, we taught on this

su'e4t and 4alled out those who ha?e had a 'ro>enrelationship to 4ome out so we 4an pray for them

B as>ed one of these ladies who 4ame for me to pray

for her if she had forgi?en the 'oy, she told me that

this 'oy had died 'ut she still refused to forgi?e the

dead 'oy B helped her to forgi?e this 'oy

When B prayed for this girl, B stayed 'a4> thin>ing !an

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you imagine that so many people are hindered in life

'y someone who is dead or someone who does not

4are for them in any wayR

)HAT A"E S&!L TIES-Soul ties are 'onds or 4onne4tions that de?elop as aresult of a relationship This 4onne4tion or 'ond 4an'e as strong as a high tension 4a'le or as wea> as athread The eGe4t of these relationships are our4on4ern Bf the eGe4ts hinder us from following Cod+splan for our life it 'e4omes ungodly, and thereforeshould 'e 'ro>en Soul ties de?elop from relationship

with our friends, family mem'ers, leaders, spirit ofunforgi?eness and through unauthoried se/ualrelationships, 5forni4ation, adultery, homose/uality,les'ianism8 and with the dead ngod

a handbook for singles vol. 1

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