A Guide to Managing Conflict and Building Personal Resilience

Helena Sharpstone

Workshop outcomes

• Understand why and how conflict occurs between people • Explore your own style of conflict management • Maintain positive relationships and win-win outcomes • Develop resilient thinking and behaviour • Learn to respond assertively rather than react aggressively or

passively • Manage stress – recognize tipping points in self and others

and respond/support appropriately • Understand and respond to the different styles of the people

you need to succeed with

Key themes

• Why does conflict happen?

• What are you like when it does?

• Getting better at it

• Managing your own stress

• Being aware of others and their reactions

• Identifying what resilient people do

• Developing your own resilience

Energy

Resilience Learning

happens in the tough

times

Leading and managing

Accept and welcome change

Bringing the outside in

Background

Technical/ interpersonal

What Does Conflict Occur Over?

Making and refusing requests

Pressure

Priorities

Territory Politics

Personalities

Reliability and trust

Unresolved disagreements

Workload

Fairness

Cutting across personal or

organisational values

Signs Conflict May Exist

• Heated exchanges

• Meetings that don’t go well

• Stroppy emails

• No shows

• People refusing to deal with each other

• Negative alliances or cliques

• Reluctance to volunteer for something

• Cautious communication

Some Key Symptoms

• Motivation drops: fewer people volunteer to take on new tasks and there is little employee input at team meetings or briefings

• Behaviour changes: people start to make derogatory remarks towards each other and there are fewer social events organised

• Productivity falls: there are likely to be more queries and complaints if people are not cooperating with each other

• Sickness absence increases: unhappiness may lead to depression or stress

• Responses to staff attitude surveys or questionnaires indicate underlying dissatisfaction.

The Instinctive Response

Fight You react in a challenging way. At work this might mean shouting or losing your temper Flight You turn your back on what’s going on. This is a common reaction – by ignoring a problem you hope it will go away Freeze You are not sure how to react and become very passive. You might begin to deal with the issue but things drift or become drawn out through indecision.

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model

The five key responses to conflict:

• Competing

• Collaborating

• Compromising

• Avoiding

• Accommodating

Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model

In Other Words…

My Own Conflict Management Style

1. What do I recognise in myself that I do most often when responding to conflict?

2. Do I have a back up style? If so – what?

3. How does this relate to the Fight/Flight/Freeze reaction?

4. What do I want to keep and what do I want to change in my style?

5. What style(s) do I want to encourage in others/those I lead?

Getting better at it…

Mind-Set

Skills

Process

The central mind-set: High challenge & high support

High Support, Low Challenge Friendly relationships Get to know each other Care and concern Conflict avoided Motherly/fatherly style Positive feedback Moderate success

High Support, High Challenge Strong level of commitment Positive and negative feedback Assertive, equal relationships Conflict is handled Open, honest, respectful People are held to commitments

Low Support, Low Challenge Careful relationships No zest and fun Trust not established People do just enough Job’s worth mentality Feedback is avoided Trust not established Expectations low

Low Support, High Challenge High degree of pressure Power play Aggressive/passive communication Destructive feedback People watching their backs Mistrust Feels unequal

Avoidance Competing

Accommodating Compromising/Collaborating

Start as you mean to go on

• Make sure that good relationships are the first priority: As far as possible, make sure that you treat the other calmly and that you try to build mutual respect. Do your best to be courteous to one-another and remain constructive under pressure

• Keep people and problems separate: Recognize that in many cases the other person is not just "being difficult" – real and valid differences can lie behind conflictive positions. By separating the problem from the person, real issues can be debated without damaging working relationships

• Pay attention to the interests that are being presented: By listening carefully you'll understand why the person is adopting his or her position

• Listen first; talk second: To solve a problem effectively you have to understand where the other person is coming from before defending your own position

• Set out the Facts: Agree and establish the objective, observable elements that will have an impact on the decision

• Explore options together: Be open to the idea that a third position may exist, and that you can get to this idea jointly.

A Process to Follow

1. Set the scene

2. Gather information

3. Agree the problem

4. Brainstorm possible solutions

5. Negotiate and agree a solution

Key skills

What’s in your tool kit?

Active Listening

Reflecting back

Assertive communication

Summarising

Matching your words, music

and dance

Showing respect

Asking questions

Keeping an open mind

Clear communication

Being present

Expressing thoughts and

feelings

Being positive

Problem solving

approach

Showing empathy

© Andrew Lothian, Insights, Dundee, Scotland, 2006. All rights reserved. INSIGHTS, INSIGHTS DISCOVERY and INSIGHTS WHEEL are registered Trade Marks.

One Man’s Meat….

Fiery Red Competitive

Demanding

Determined

Strong-willed Purposeful

Sunshine Yellow Sociable

Dynamic

Demonstrative

Enthusiastic

Persuasive

Earth Green Caring

Encouraging

Sharing

Patient

Relaxed

Cool blue Cautious

Precise

Deliberate

Questioning

Formal

Good Day / Bad Day…

Competitive

Demanding

Determined

Strong-willed Purposeful

Sociable

Dynamic

Demonstrative

Enthusiastic

Persuasive

Caring

Encouraging

Sharing

Patient

Relaxed

Cautious

Precise

Deliberate

Questioning

Formal

Aggressive

Controlling

Driving

Overbearing Intolerant

Excitable

Frantic

Indiscreet

Flamboyant

Hasty

Docile

Bland

Plodding

Reliant

Stubborn

Stuffy

Indecisive

Suspicious

Cold

Reserved

© The Insights Group Ltd, 2011. All rights reserved.

LOSS OF COMPETENCE • Lack of information or

understanding • Lack of structure or logic • Poor work quality • Wasted time • Rush job • Distractions

LOSS OF CONNECTION • Lack of consideration for others • Sudden change without warning • Violation of values • Time pressure/fast pace • Unfair or impersonal treatment

LOSS OF CHOICE • Lack of involvement • Restrictions on flexibility • Lack of influence • Being overlooked • Personal rejection • Over-seriousness • Slow pace

LOSS OF CONTROL • Lack of focus • Indecisiveness • Lack of immediacy • Slow pace • Incompetence

What Are Your Tipping Points?

© Andrew Lothian, Insights, Dundee, Scotland, 2006. All

rights reserved. INSIGHTS, INSIGHTS DISCOVERY and

INSIGHTS WHEEL are registered Trade Marks.

DO

• Be direct and to the point

• Focus on results and objectives

• Be brief, be bright and be gone

DON’T

• Hesitate or waffle

• Focus solely on feelings

• Try to take over

Engaging with Fiery Red Energy

© Andrew Lothian, Insights, Dundee, Scotland, 2006. All rights reserved. INSIGHTS, INSIGHTS DISCOVERY and INSIGHTS WHEEL are registered Trade Marks.

DO

• Be patient and supportive

• Slow down and work at their pace

• Ask their opinion and give them time

to answer

DON’T

• Take advantage of their good nature

• Push them to make quick decisions

• Spring last minute surprises

Engaging with Earth Green Energy

© Andrew Lothian, Insights, Dundee, Scotland, 2006. All

rights reserved. INSIGHTS, INSIGHTS DISCOVERY and

INSIGHTS WHEEL are registered Trade Marks.

DO

• Be well prepared and thorough

• Put things in writing

• Let them consider all the details

DON’T

• Get too close or hug them

• Be flippant on important issues

• Change their routine without notice

Engaging with Cool Blue Energy

© Andrew Lothian, Insights, Dundee, Scotland, 2006. All

rights reserved. INSIGHTS, INSIGHTS DISCOVERY and

INSIGHTS WHEEL are registered Trade Marks.

DO

• Be friendly and sociable

• Be entertaining and stimulating

• Be open and flexible

DON’T

• Bore them with details

• Tie them down with routine

• Ask them to work alone

Engaging with Sunshine Yellow Energy

How To Stay Composed in Difficult Times

1. Manage your emotions

2. Don’t take things personally

3. Maintain a positive attitude

4. Remain brave

5. Respond decisively

6. Be assertive

7. Be accountable

8. Act like you’ve been there before

What Can You Do For Others?

• Provide as much information as possible

• Do not make up answers

• Provide structure

• Catch up often

• Listen with patience and empathy

• Provide private opportunity to vent

• Acknowledge their anger and don’t take it personally

• Don’t feel obligated to agree with them

• Encourage assertiveness

• Shift focus to things they can do

What is Resilience?

• Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means "bouncing back" from difficult experiences

• Research has shown that resilience is ordinary, not extraordinary. People

commonly demonstrate resilience.

• Being resilient does not mean that a person doesn't experience difficulty or distress. Emotional pain and sadness are common in people who have suffered major adversity or trauma in their lives. In fact, the road to resilience is likely to involve considerable emotional distress.

• Resilience is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves

behaviours, thoughts and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone.

Features of Resilient People (1)

Welcome challenge

Thrive on change

Look at themselves

constructively

Create solid goals

Empathy for

others

Future focussed

Form strong relationships

Tolerance for

ambiguity

Optimism Personal control

Isolate negative events

Strong commitment

Features of Resilient People (2)

Self evaluate

Take responsibility

for their actions

Don’t get stuck in negative patterns

Get enough

sleep

Change habits

Value and protect “me

time”

Collaborate

Accept they will fail

sometimes

Use feedback

intelligently

Learn lessons

Welcome feedback

Keep learning

Key Factors in Developing Resilience

The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry

them out

Strong communication skills

Problem solving abilities

The capacity to manage emotions

and stress

A positive view of yourself and

confidence in what you have to offer

10 Ways To Develop Resilience

• 1. Develop a positive self image. Everything starts in the mind – resilient people think well of themselves and see themselves in a positive way.

• 2. Focus on building and maintaining relationships. Studies have shown that resilient people tend to have strong social networks – family, friends and colleagues are a great source of support when crises occur.

• 3. Show appreciation. Being able to focus on the good things in your life and not dwell on problems will keep you in a positive mind set and help you to be more effective.

• 4. See the good. We’ve all heard the ‘glass half full’ mentality – resilient people tend to see stressful events or crises as temporary or even as opportunities to learn and grow, rather than as unbearable problems.

• 5. Be proactive. Resilient people feel they have some measure of control in any situation and take responsibility and take effective action to change things.

10 Ways To Develop Resilience

• 6. Accept circumstances that cannot be changed. Some things simply cannot be altered and resilient people accept this, not wasting energy on trying to do the impossible.

• 7. Develop goals and take appropriate action to achieve them. Having a sense of where you are going is important. Glitches and setbacks are inevitable, but resilient people keep the destination in mind.

• 8. Take a long-term view and keep in mind a broader context. When seen from a bird’s eye perspective, problems tend to become less important.

• 9. Be optimistic. Resilient people maintain a hopeful outlook, expecting positive outcomes. Of course, this can tip over to a unrealistically positive but it is no more realistic to be negative and pessimistic than to expect the best.

• 10. Keep learning. Resilient people are determined to learn useful lessons from setbacks and problems. Looking back, we might realise that we learned the most from what seemed to be the most difficult of circumstances.

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A Guide to Managing Conflict and Building Personal Resilience

Helena Sharpstone