COLD OPEN

TITLE: 11:30 A.M.

TITLE: On a Saturday

TITLE: Philadelphia, PA

INT. PADDY’S PUB - DAY

Charlie and Mac are sitting at the bar flipping through a Sharper Image catalog.

CHARLIEI need these!

MACWhat do you need 500x zoom binoculars for?

CHARLIEWhat do you mean? I could see all the way to Pittsburgh with these things.

MACI don’t think that’s right.

CHARLIEYou don’t know that for sure.

MACHow much are they?

CHARLIE$450.

MACThat’s bullshit.

He grabs the catalog and flips through the pages.

MAC (CONT’D)We can’t afford one damn thing in this entire catalog.

CHARLIEWe’re poor dude.

MACWhy do you even have this?

CHARLIEI stole it from the doctor’s office.

MACWhy were you at the doctor’s office?

CHARLIEThat’s where I get all my magazines and catalogs.

Dennis walks in.

MACWe need money Dennis. We’ve hit rock bottom.

CHARLIEWe’re tired of being poor.

DENNISWell don’t look at me, I’m not giving you shit.

MACWhat about Frank?

DENNISFrank already lives with you, I think that’s enough.

CHARLIEHey! I’m a good roommate! Some of those bridge guys are definitely worse than me.

DENNISThat’s your problem. Your competition is a bunch of guys hanging out underneath a bridge.

Frank barges in.

FRANKI need money! Oh, shit. I need some money! Empty your wallets.

DENNISYou too? You’re all pathetic.

FRANKI got a little drunk with some of the guys and we went to the track.

2.

(MORE)

I made a few too many bets and I’m down five thousand.

MACYou know shit about horse racing, why were you even there?

FRANKDogs.

MACDogs?

FRANKDog racing. I would’ve lost more, but one of the dogs died and they had to stop the races.

MACHey Charlie, why don’t we make some riot punch and hit the track? We can win some money for all this shit we need.

He pulls out some colored liquids.

CHARLIEThat’s a great idea!

DENNISYou guys are morons. You think you can just go to the track and come away with money? You two know nothing about winning.

MACWhat do you mean I know nothing about winning? I was born a winner and I’ll die a winner.

DENNISYou’ve never won shit! I guarantee you I could go to the track and win triple as much as you shit-brains.

FRANKNo, I’m done with that shit. I need to find money. Where’s Deandra?

DENNISShe’s out doing some fundraising bullshit.

3.

FRANK (CONT'D)

FRANKPerfect.

MAC:Let’s do this shit! Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!

CHARLIE: DENNIS:Dogs! Dogs! Dogs!

CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

Title: “It’s Always Sunny in Philiadelphia”

Title: “A Day at the Races”

4.

ACT I

FADE IN:

EXT. SHOPPING MALL - LATER

Dee is holding a clipboard trying to recruit volunteers and raise money for Women Against Animal Abuse (WAAA).

A man walks by.

DEEHey you! Yeah, you. You wanna donate money to a great cause?

MANWhat cause?

DEEWhy does it matter?

MANBecause I want to know who I’m giving my money to?

DEEWhy is one cause better than another?

MANLook lady, it’s my money, I can do what I want with it.

DEESo why don’t you want to donate it to a good cause?

MANI don’t even know what the cause is!

Frank approaches. He’s eating pork rinds.

FRANKWhat’s going on here Deandra?

DEEWhat are you doing here Frank? I don’t need you. Are you going to give me money or not?

MANNo.

5.

He walks away.

DEEFine. Suit yourself, selfish bastard.

FRANKThe guys told me you were doing some charity work.

DEESince when do you give a shit about charity?

FRANKI want to help. What are we raising money for?

DEEWe? What’s your angle here Frank?

FRANKNo angle. It’s getting to the point in my life where I need to do stuff for other people.

DEEYou are getting old.

Frank shrugs and eats some more pork rinds

DEE (CONT’D)I’m raising money for WAAA.

FRANKWa?

DEEWomen Against Animal Abuse. We’re like the hotter version of PETA, much more selective in who we bring in. We’re trying to get rid of kill shelters.

FRANKThat’s great. You want some?

He offers some pork rinds.

DEENo. That’s disgusting.

FRANKSo how much money you raking in?

6.

She examines her box.

DEESo far, 12 dollars.

FRANKWhat’s your take?

DEEThere is no take. It’s charity.

FRANKWell it seems like you’re doing a shitty job. What’s 12 dollars gonna do?

DEEIt’s a start.

FRANKYou need to take this big time. You’re at the poor person mall.

A MALL PATRON overhears and looks at Frank.

FRANK (CONT’D)If you’re gonna stare, donate some money.

MALL SHOPPER:Piss off.

Dee looks around.

DEEMaybe this isn’t the best place.

FRANKLet me help you. You’ll have millions of those kill shelters.

DEENo-kill.

FRANKWhatever you want.

INT. TRACK - NEXT DAY

Charlie and Mac are scouting the track.

CHARLIEThere’s a lot of shady people here.

7.

MACWell, it is dog racing, not exactly the classiest of places.

CHARLIETrue. These are our people.

MAC(offended)

Don’t say that! We’re trying not to be these people.

CHARLIEWe are these people, but we’re trying to not be them, by being them?

Mac is confused.

MACEnough with the head games. We’re on a mission.

A drunk guy stumbles past.

MAC (CONT’D)I know shit about dog racing dude. Let’s watch a few races.

CHARLIEI’ll meet you at the seats, I’m gonna grab some food.

MACGrab me a pretzel.

CHARLIEI’m not getting you a pretzel. Then you’ll be thirsty and you’ll steal my drink!

MACI want a pretzel.

CHARLIEI’m not getting you a pretzel. You’re getting a hotdog.

He walks away. Mac heads to the seats. He seats himself near some sketchy people.

MACSomeone sitting here?

8.

SHADY MANDoes it look like someone’s sitting there?

MACJust trying to be courteous. Show some class that you people know nothing about.

The gun sounds, startling Mac.

MAC (CONT’D)Holy shit those dogs are fast.

He observes all the people cheering and yelling at the dogs.

MAC (CONT’D)This isn’t fun. This is cruel.

Charlie returns with the food. He is eating a hot dog.

CHARLIEI’m not sure if the dogs are used in these.

Mac stares at him while Charlie takes another bite and pulls a face.

MACDude this place isn’t fun. These dogs are being treated like shit.

The crowd starts cheering.

CHARLIEHoly shit, is Chief winning?

MACWhat?

CHARLIEI put 10 bucks on him.

MACWhat were the odds? Where’d you get 10 dollars? The dogs don’t have names.

CHARLIEFrank gives me like 50 bucks every month.

MACWhat is he your dad?

9.

He grabs the ticket.

MAC (CONT’D)The odds say 6:1.

CHARLIE6 dollars, alright. We’re on our way!

MACNot six you idiot, 60.

CHARLIEI won 60 bucks! I’m close to that massager!

MACEnough with the god damn massager. No gift on this planet will make the waitress like you.

CHARLIEDon’t say that!

MACIt’s true!

CHARLIEWhat we’re you saying about the dogs before?

MACForget it. Let’s go place some more bets!

They head off.

INT. BOOK STORE - SAME DAY

Dennis is reading about dog racing. He notices a pretty employee, OLIVIA. He begins awkwardly flexing while reading his book.

DENNISExcuse me miss.

OLIVIA:Yes, can I help you?

DENNISI’m trying to get that book up there, but I can’t reach it.

10.

OLIVIA:Oh, sure. Let me get the ladder and get it for you.

DENNISThat would be lovely.

She brings the ladder over and climbs up. Dennis admires her ass.

She hands him the book.

OLIVIA:Dog racing?

DENNISI find the sport exhilarating and relaxing. Did you know it used to be a sport reserved only for nobles and wealthy people.

OLIVIA:I did not. Isn’t it cruel?

DENNISNo. The dogs are beautiful.

OLIVIA:What breed are they?

DENNISBreed?

He avoids the question.

DENNIS (CONT’D)My names Dennis. What’s yours?

OLIVIA:Olivia. You know a lot about dog racing.

DENNISI consider myself a Renaissance man. I know a lot about a lot. You should join my friends and I tomorrow at the track.

OLIVIA:Alright.

11.

DENNISI’ll pick you up tomorrow from here.

FADE OUT.

12.

FADE IN:

ACT TWO

INT. PADDY’S PUB - LATER

Frank and Dee are discussing their plans.

FRANKIf you want to raise the big bucks, you’re gonna need to attract the big bucks.

DEEThat surprisingly makes sense.

FRANKNow what do rich people love more than anything?

DEEMoney?

FRANKI was thinking whores, but I like yours better.

DEEYeah- Frank, I think you’re forgetting this is a charitable organization. So any plans you have involving hookers, drugs, or any of your bridge friends, needs to go out the window.

FRANKWell, then we’re back to square one!

DEEFrank! You said you’d help. I don’t know why I ever thought that would work.

FRANKHold on. I’ll come up with a better plan.

DEEThat won’t be too hard I imagine.

13.

Mac and Charlie enter the bar all rowdy from their day at the track.

CHARLIEAnd then Billy just bolted past the rest of them, and first we were like, oh shit, there goes Walter’s chance, but right before our eyes, we saw Walter become a champion.

MACEnough with the names. I don’t want to think of the dogs as people.

FRANKWhat’s going on guys?

MACDog racing! That’s what. Frank you opened our eyes to a whole new realm of fun and disgusting people.

CHARLIEWe cleaned up at the track.

FRANKHow much did you win?

He pulls out a wad of cash and slams it on the bar.

CHARLIELike 700 bucks.

FRANKHoly shit. How?

MACCharlie may not have a lot going for him, but he has a connection with these dogs. He can just tell who’s going to win.

CHARLIEThe dogs are my people! Let’s drink!

He starts opening some beer.

FRANKShit Charlie. We need to go back to the track.

DEEWhat about our plan Frank!

14.

FRANKYour thing is crap. I need money now. I’m done with stealing. I want to earn my money legitimately.

DEEBy betting on mistreated dogs?

FRANKI have some scruples, but you have to draw the line somewhere.

DEEWell what am I supposed to do for WAAA?

FRANKI don’t give a shit.

Dennis walks in.

DENNISHeyo!

CHARLIEDennis in the house!

Charlie tosses him a beer.

CHARLIE: (CONT’D) MAC:Dennis! Dennis! Dennis!

DENNISNow this is the love and admiration a golden god deserves. What are you guys so happy about?

CHARLIECheck this out.

He slam the stack of money on the bar again.

DENNISWhere’d you steal that from?

CHARLIE From the track.

MACWe didn’t steal it. Charlie has a 6th sense. He has a connection with those dogs.

15.

CHARLIEThe dogs are my people!

DENNISSo you’ve moved from bridge people to dogs? That might be an upgrade.

FRANKWe’re all going to the track tomorrow. Time to win back five thousand dollars.

DENNISTomorrow’s gonna be great. I’m going to beat you lowlifes in front of this hot chick I met at the bookstore and then I’m gonna bang her on all my winnings.

MACSince when do you go to bookstores?

DENNISUnlike you guys, I know how to read, and enjoy culturing myself.

MACI know how to read! When do you ever read?

DENNISThere’s a lot you guys don’t know about me. I’m an endless onion, filled with layers.

FRANKYou’re full of shit, and you’re not going to beat the dog whisperer over here.

DENNISWe’ll see about that.

DEESo I’m doing this by myself now?

DENNISWhy are you surprised? When do we ever give a shit about charity or anything you’re doing?

16.

DEEI don’t know. Maybe once you guys could step outside the little worlds you guys live in.

DENNISWe’re obviously not going to do that. In fact, I never want to leave that place.

DEEWhat do you think about a kissing booth?

MACWell it obviously depends on who’s doing the kissing.

DEEI’m doing the kissing.

MACWhy?

DEEWhat do you mean why? Because people would pay to kiss this face.

MACNo one would pay to kiss that face.

DEEHow much you want to bet?

DENNISDee! No one is going to pay to kiss you. Mac’s already involved in one wager already. Now go run along and stop annoying us.

DEEFine. I’ll show you pigs!

She leaves the bar.

MACSo when do you want to do this?

FRANKWhy don’t we up the stakes a little?

17.

DENNISWho’s side are you even on Frank? You’re all over the place. First, you’re working with the bridge people, then that whole Dee crap, now you’re back to the dogs. Were you even invited into this whole thing?

FRANKWhat do you mean? I’m with Charlie.

He puts his arm around Charlie and pulls him close.

FRANK (CONT’D)Charlie’s my boy. We’re roommates. Plus he’s the one who can talk to the dogs.

CHARLIEYou smell like a farm.

DENNISSo it’s you three against me? This seems like a joke.

MACSo what’s at stake?

DENNISIf you guys win, I’ll live in your shithole for a month, and you guys can live in my place.

MACI already live with you though.

DENNISWell you’re living with them for the time being.

CHARLIEWhat! I don’t want to live with him! No offense dude, but you’re always dancing and doing all this weird shit.

MACDancing? I’ll have you know that those are advanced routines I’ve been honing for years. I’m capable of using up to eight Kung Fu combinations on you at any time.

18.

CHARLIEYou know shit about Kung-Fu!

MACYou live with Frank! He butters his bread and cuts his toes with the same god damn knife.

DENNISGirls. Girls. Are we doing this or not?

CHARLIEGive us a moment.

They huddle to the side.

CHARLIE (CONT’D)What do you guys think?

FRANKWe’re going to beat that cocky piece of shit.

CHARLIEAre we actually gaining anything from this arrangement? I mean, we have it pretty good.

Frank ponders in agreement.

MACYou guys are morons. Him living in your place alone is worth it. There’s no way he’s going to bang anyone if he’s bringing girls back to that place.

FRANKWe bang plenty of girls.

MACWhen was the last time you banged a girl?

FRANKArtemis comes over sometimes.

CHARLIEReally? You said you guys were rehearsing for some play.

19.

FRANKI was lying. We were screwing each other.

Dennis coughs.

DENNISIt’s a yes or no. Hurry up.

CHARLIELet’s do this.

MACWe’re in!

DENNISExcellent. We’ll have a day at the races.

FADE OUT.

INT. TRACK - DAY

Mac, Charlie, Frank, Dennis, and Olivia are walking up to the track. They run into Dee who is protesting with her kissing booth.

DENNISWhat the hell are you doing here? Why do you have to ruin everything?

DEE:Because you pieces of shit need to realize how cruel this place is.

FRANK:Enough Deandra, after I win, I’ll give you some money, but those dogs need Charlie.

MACLet’s place our damn bets. Charlie you’re taking the reins.

DEE:I hope all of you lose everyting.

Charlie and Dennis approach the booths furthest apart from each other.

20.

CHARLIEI’ll put $50 on Ralph in the first, $100 on Paco in the third, and another $50 on King Charles in the third.

BETTING AGENT:The dog’s don’t have names mister.

CHARLIEYou sure?

BETTING AGENT:Yes.

Charlie’s confused. He looks around.

MACWhat’s the hold up Charlie?

CHARLIEThe dog’s don’t have names dude. I’m all thrown off.

MACWho gives a shit.

CHARLIEThat’s how I know who’s going to win!

MACWhere the hell did you find the dogs names?

CHARLIEI don’t know. Maybe I made them up.

MACSo you’re telling me, you based your picks on the dogs names when they don’t freaking have names?

CHARLIEDon’t worry dude, I got this.

FRANKCharlie, I need to pay back the bridge people or else they’re gonna kick me out!

CHARLIENo ones kicking you out Frank.

21.

Dennis approaches from his booth holding a bunch of tickets.

DENNISTake a look at the winning tickets boys. Hope you guys don’t mind occasionally jarring each other with your dicks whilst you sleep in the same twin bed.

He looks at Olivia all macho.

MACYou’re the one who’s going to have dicks jarring into them!

They pause and think about what he said.

CHARLIEDude, you really need to think before you speak.

MACI’m working on it. I’m fired up! I’ve got a lot of riot punch flowing through me right now.

FRANKSave it for the races.

DENNISLet’s go.

They head to their seats.

EXT. TRACK

Dee is sitting at the kissing booth. The sign reads “Kisses: $5”

Two guys walk past.

GUY #1:Five dollars? Who does she think she is?

GUY #2: I wouldn’t kiss her if she gave me $5.

Dee is embarrassed.

22.

DEEKisses! Only $5! Kisses for a good cause!

People pass by ignoring her.

DEE (CONT’D)Oh, come on! None of you guys have even been laid I bet.

A mother pulls her child away in disgust.

DEE (CONT’D)What? Why don’t you let him make his own decisions. Hey kid! five dollars and you get a big ole kiss.

The mother increases her pace.

DEE (CONT’D)I’ll do three dollars for you.

Cricket approaches the booth.

CRICKET:What do we have here?

DEEShit. No chance Cricket.

CRICKET:I thought this was for charity?

DEEIt is.

CRICKET:So shouldn’t you be raising money?

DEEI am raising money.

CRICKET:How much have you made so far?

DEEWell...nothing yet, but it’ll pick up.

He slams five dollars on the table.

CRICKET:That’s three weeks worth of cans.

23.

DEEI’m not kissing you. You disgust me.

CRICKET:I donate semen every month. We’re both givers.

DEEThe thought of someone using your sperm to create a child makes me want to leave Philadelphia.

CRICKET:That’s not what you said before.

DEE(growing frustrated)

That was a one time thing! Get that through your ugly, stupid, empty head. Take your money and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. I’d kiss a dead animal in the street before I ever touched you again.

CRICKET:You’ve still got that feistiness I love.

DEEThat’s it! I’m leaving.

Dee kicks over her booth and pushes Cricket out of the way. She storms off.

CUT TO:

INT. TRACK

Mac, Charlie, and Frank are slumped in the seats. Dennis is glowing.

DENNISYou losers couldn’t even pick one winner. That’s what happens when you rely on Charlie.

FRANKI’m down even more money. Can we go back to the bar? I need to get blasted and bang something.

24.

MACEnough with you banging chicks. Artemis is not allowed over for “play practice” while I’m staying over.

DENNISWe’ve got one race left.

CHARLIEGuys we’re still in this.

MACShutup Charlie. What happened to all your dog whispering.

CHARLIEThat well ran dry.

MACNo shit.

DENNISYou guys are freaking morons. I can’t wait to see you three sleeping in that shit hole.

The starting gun goes off.

MACWho do we have in this one?

FRANKWho gives a shit. Maybe one of those dogs will eat another one. That I’d pay to see.

CHARLIEWe got number 7. I feel good about this one.

MACDude, he’s winning. How much did we put on this one?

CHARLIE$500.

MACWhat?

25.

CHARLIEYeah, I miscalculated our bets, so when the last race came around I had all this money left.

MACWhy didn’t you just keep it?

CHARLIEWell.

He starts to speak, but stops to think about it.

FRANKCharlie! You’re a moron, but we can beat Dennis now.

DENNISThat dog isn’t winning. Look at that thing. He’s got no stamina. I bet he’s never even been laid.

MACWe could’ve bought those binoculars!

CHARLIELook, he’s winning. Go! Go!

FRANKGo! Run you bastard!

CHARLIERun! Run!

Charlie’s dog is slightly ahead of Dennis’

DENNISRun faster you piece of shit! You’re losing to a bunch of lowlife pieces of shit.

CHARLIEWe won!

They start dancing.

MACIn your face bitch!

FRANKAlright! I can pay back the bridge guys.

26.

CHARLIEThe waitress is mine!

The P.A. announcer starts speaking. They are still dancing.

DENNISShutup guys! Shutup! I can’t hear what they’re saying.

They quiet down.

P.A. ANNOUNCER:Infraction. Dog number seven interfered with another racer. The race winner is dog number five.

MACWhat!

FRANKThat’s horse shit. That dog didn’t do anything.

DENNISLooks you like guys will be having a nice litle sleepover.

Mac, Charlie, and Frank questionably look at each other.

CUT TO:

INT. FRANK AND CHARLIE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

The three guys are cramped in the bed. Frank is belly up.

MACGet that out of my back! How hard is it for you to not touch me?

CHARLIEDude, I’m trying. You think I want to touch your gross body. I’m between you two fat asses.

Frank is eating in bed.

MACThis is mass for the last time! I’ve got a lot of mass. Try roll me out of this bed. I’m like a boulder.

27.

Charlie shoves him off the bed.

FADE OUT.

END CREDITS

28.