1

A Cosmic Ghost Story

Or…The Starbucks Chronicles

Robert Keegan

September 11, 2010

2

“If dreams are like movies,

then memories are films about ghosts.”

- Mrs. Potters Lullaby

The following story is only to convey the perceptual happenings in the

life of an apparent entity (ghost) nicknamed Bob, since he found himself

homeless and broke on the streets of Victoria BC.

The journaling of this story seemed almost ludicrous at the time as

there really cannot be a history for a ghost.

Never the less, the Holy Ghost seemed to be urging that this story be

told.

3

Preface

After the book, “The Logic of God”, was published, there was a feeling of relief

that it was finally ‘out of my system’, so to speak, and it was time to relax…now

that I had all the answers to life’s questions.

The feeling was that ‘the search’ was over and I didn’t want to read or listen to

any more spiritual teachings; in fact I gave away all of my books.

After spending a year or so attempting to market the book, hiring a publicist,

doing e-mail campaigns and going door- to- door to various book stores in

Edmonton and Victoria; the enthusiasm and money ran out at about the same

time. It certainly didn’t look promising as a source of income, that is for sure, and

so I took on work as a handyman and even worked at a J O B for a while.

Then one day a new friend, David, asked if I had heard of Mooji?

“No! I am not interested in any guru or more spiritual teaching!”

Then, out of the blue, I somehow found myself on YouTube and ‘for some reason’

the thought came to check out this Mooji character.

Well, it was love at first sight, and I was immediately drawn to his energy… I knew

in my heart that what was coming out of this being was Pure Truth!

Here is a genuine living breathing Christ/ Buddha/Krishna!

There had been a growing awareness that my understanding of Truth, was more

toward the level of knowledge and the niggle was that there needed to be a

shifting of this knowledge into a direct experience in my entire being for it to

become coalesced with the heart and become an intuitive Knowing.

As I immersed myself more and more into Mooji’s energy and constant reminders

to be diligent with self-enquiry until there is direct recognition of my original

nature, there developed an urge or longing that became a single-minded

compulsion to die before I die!

4

Bob’s Bucket List

“The Bucket List” is an Oscar winning 2007 movie starring Jack Nicholson as

corporate billionaire Edward Cole and working class mechanic Carter Chambers,

played by Morgan Freeman. They have nothing in common except for their

terminal illnesses. While sharing a hospital room together, they decide to leave it

and do all the things they have ever wanted to do before they die according to

their bucket list. In the process, both of them heal each other, become unlikely

friends, and ultimately find the joy in life.

After seeing the movie Bob pondered his bucket list and really could only come up

with one thing…

To die consciously to the unreal!

To be free of his malignant relationship with the mind and dissolve his mistaken

identity back into its Source…himSelf.

To be one who has transcended the ego and is free of attachment to the

transient, the world of ever changing forms and fleeting experiences.

To die before he dies…but not be dead!

Watch…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKYA--_80lQ&feature=email

5

A Melting Ice Cube

Mooji says, “It is a bit like dropping an ice cube in a glass of warm water.”

Interest in worldly endeavors and pursuits, or any fascination for fresh ideas and

new information has all but vanished.

It seems as if Life has been withholding any energy to attempt to take control of

his life situation, or earn income, at times completely immobilizing him outwardly.

He would sometimes spend hours sitting in contemplative self-enquiry.

Right from the get go on the first of January it appears that things have been

changing with warp speed; work, accommodations, relationships, belongings and

on and on.

Or if you will, the heat has been turned up and the ice cube is melting faster.

His walking sticks of support were being pulled out from under him one at a

time…

After selling his ‘championship-winning’ set of golf clubs and his ‘special’ bike in

order to pay the last two month’s rent, and donating or throwing away all but the

seeming essential stuff; he found himself out on the street on June 1st with a

suitcase and mini-computer. He would come to see that even the suitcase was a

burden as well as a Zen Master and teacher.

Although not penniless per se, as he still had about $100 in cash, which had to

somehow get him through the next three weeks, until his small pension cheque

arrived.

Bob’s first priority was to secure some inexpensive accommodation, so he took

friend Ralph’s advice and headed downtown to the Salvation Army shelter for

men. He signed in for a bed in one of the twenty bed dormitories for $21 per

night. Needless to say the money ran out before the end of the week.

His nearly, but not quite yet, ex-sweetie, Anke, graciously allowed Bob to store his

stuff and temporarily crash in her office using the massage table for a bed.

That is where he met Mike, the gardener…

6

Mike the Gardner

Mike would pop in ‘out of the blue’ to chat with Anke and always brought food or

a book, or some other gift, which he did in the afternoon following Bob’s first

night in the office.

After Anke left, Mike and Bob sat out on the rooftop deck. Mike opened his

backpack and produced two cans of beer and some snacks, and they began to

chat…

It became obvious that Mike had been dealt a tough hand by Life and after his

bankruptcy had been going door-to-door doing odd jobs and working in people’s

gardens.

He was a curious sort of character who had a heart of gold and liked to get to

know everyone in the neighborhood. He started asking questions about Bob’s

consulting business and whether or not he was making any money.

Bob was honest with him and eventually explained the situation he now found

himself in. Mike listened intently and commented that living here at the office

wasn’t all that bad; he had once slept in his car for three months.

He said he had a friend who was struggling and only had seventy five dollars to

see him through until the end of the month. Hearing this Bob reached into his

pocket and pulled out the last of his cash, about two dollars and fifty cents, and

said “this is what I have to live on for the rest of the month!”

They finished their beer and Mike stood up to leave. He reached into his pocket,

took out an old tattered wallet, pulled out two twenty dollar bills and said, “This is

how much I have left from today’s job”, and handed Bob one of the twenties.

He then reached into the backpack and pulled out all of the coins he had, about

five dollars or so and dropped them on the table.

Bob was stunned and deeply touched.

“Wow!”…he thought…he is willing to give away more than he has!”

“Thank you Mike…thank you God!”

7

In Limbo

Bob’s stay at the office was putting a strain on both he and Anke.

They both knew intuitively that their relationship, in its present form, had run its

course. She called it being ‘in limbo’, and she was running out of patience with

this Bob character.

Bob Googled the word ‘limbo’ and came up with the following definition:

“In Catholic theology, Limbo (Latin limbus, edge or boundary, referring to the

"edge" or cliff of Hell), is a speculative idea about the afterlife condition of those

who die in original sin without being assigned to Hell.”

He managed to ‘hide out’ in the office for the next week or so until she finally

pushed him out the door, or over the cliff, so to speak.

Bob thanked her profusely!!!

And, was elated that he was finally ‘out of limbo’ and almost ecstatic at the

opportunities for Self discovery that surely lie ahead!

After downsizing all of his belongings into a medium sized suitcase, Anke offered

to give him a ride downtown…

8

Finally Out of Limbo

Anke quietly slipped twenty-five dollars into Bob’s palm and gave him a warm

goodbye hug as she dropped him off at the bus terminal.

He wandered around Victoria dragging his luggage from Starbucks to Starbucks

and various quiet park benches. A lovely old church named Christ’s Cathedral

became a regular stop for rest and contemplation.

As evening approached there was mind chatter around going to his regular

Tuesday Mooji night at friend David’s home, this would require a lot of walking

and a bus ticket.

The luggage had become a sort of anchor, and the energy was waning. Also, there

was a lot of back and forth in the mind around the cash, as it was calculating how

much would be needed to continue until the morning; a bus ticket may not leave

enough money for the room at the Sally Ann.

Instead of dinner, a can of coke was purchased which left exactly enough cash for

the bus (one way) and $21 for a room. Again, the inner urge made all the choices

and Bob headed for David's house. The mind kept chattering that perhaps he

might get a ride back downtown with one of the other participants; perhaps

someone might even offer him a couch for the night.

Alas this was not to be as the inner guide wouldn't allow him to ask anyone for

assistance or even start to tell 'his story'.

After dragging the luggage back up the hill to the bus stop and waiting, waiting,

waiting it seemed like perhaps he had missed the last bus and knowing curfew

was 11 pm there as serious consideration of bedding down in the bus stop

shelter; which almost seemed preferable to the men’s' dorm at the Salvation

Army, where he had been the previous week.

However, the bus finally came, the driver accepted his out of time transfer, and

he ended up back at the Sally Ann.

9

Watch your Step in the Shower

There was one top bunk available, so he parted with the last of the cash (again),

and had a very restful four hour sleep even amongst the din of noise in the twenty

bed dormitory (burps, farts, snoring and street traffic).

Tip toeing in the communal shower the next morning the thought came to go and

stand in line for the 6 am sign up for a 'free' bed; there were only a few of these

available and they only come available if someone leaves.

Being the first in line at 5:30 am he felt he was assured a place to lay his head

tonight. The drill is that you had to return at 9 am to see if any of the free beds

had been vacated, so off to breakfast in the cafeteria and watch the show of the

most diverse and funny cast of characters playing their ‘down-and-out’ parts.

The cook was in a frenzy of physical and mental activity…barking orders to the

help, and exchanging sarcasm with the regulars, as he threw their scrambled eggs

and toast toward them at the serving counter.

The conversation at Bob’s table was minimal; actually no one even spoke to him

and seemed to avoid eye contact. The other two table-mates discussed all the

critters and mice turds under the beds and that 'they' should get an exterminator

etc.

Returning to get the good news about his bed, he was informed that there were

no vacancies and that he must leave the premises immediately.

On the way out a janitor was placing a do not enter sign on the washroom door.

One of the guests asked what was up. The janitor responded nonchalantly…

"Oh someone shit on the floor in the communal showers."

So...back out on the street dragging the luggage from here to there...

10

Penniless in Victoria

This term ‘penniless’ really took on a new meaning today when Bob was

approached by a street beggar and asked if he had an extra tooney.

The thought that came was…“Gees maybe ‘I’ should ask her for money!”

Then he remembered that he still had a penny in his pocket. So, he said…

“Sorry but this penny is the last of my cash.”

She smiled and took it from his hand and said…

“That’s great, I collect them!”

”Hmmm…” Thought Bob…

“Now I truly am penniless AND homeless!”

He kept hearing Mooji’s voice saying…

“Hand over your existence to Existence… trust, and keep quiet.”

11

“Who moved my hat?!”

The downtown library became Bob’s default location to write, e-mail, immerse

himself in Mooji’s video clips, meditate or just veg.

Today the suitcase was placed in an out of the way corner while using the

internet. Sunglasses and hat were placed on a table beside the suitcase to give

the impression that a responsible human being was lurking somewhere close by.

As has been the case of late Bob had lost all track of time and checking the clock

realized 2 or 3 hours had elapsed and a fresh air break in the sunshine was calling.

Walking back to the ‘safe’ storage place, he noticed that the sunglasses and hat

had disappeared along with the luggage.

Hmmm…. he asked the security guard if he may know their whereabouts. The

guard looked Bob sternly in the eye and said…

“Yes, they are in the lost and found. We paged you over an hour ago. We found

your passport in your computer bag. You should know better than to leave a

valuable document like that unattended!”

After apologizing, Bob’s first thought was…

“I really don’t have any concern over the ‘stuff’ including the passport, but I sure

could use the sunglasses and hat for my walk.”

Late in the afternoon he gets the impulse to start to move from his kiosk in the

downtown library, although he is not sure where to…

One last check on his e-mail… and low and behold there is a message from friend

Michael (not Mike), saying that he has a meeting downtown and would Bob like

to meet at the Delta hotel at 5 pm.

Bob packs up his ‘stuff’, computer et al, and heads out on the street; dragging the

suitcase the 2 km or so to the hotel…

12

Archangel Michael

Walking across the Johnson Street Bridge, the thought came, that if the suitcase

being tugged along was instead placed in a certain almost upright position it could

be pushed almost effortlessly in a slow and very mindful way. This became the

Zen stick to ‘check in’ and remain here!

Arriving at the Delta Hotel he commandeers a handicap stall in the luxurious hotel

washroom, freshens up and changes into some gooder clothes.

As it turns out Michael was to attend a presentation/dinner sponsored by a large

pharmaceutical company and he invites Bob to come along. Well wouldn’t you

know it… gourmet food, decadent deserts, wine and beer was being supplied by

the universe at no charge!

The white tablecloths and tuxedo clad staff serving fancy hors d’oervs (never

could spell this word) was a stark contrast to the stand-in-line and get the grub

thrown at you of this morning’s breakfast at the men’s shelter.

The talk and power point presentation was being acted out by a woman doctor

from England and Bob was now being brought up to speed on the latest drug

protocol for sedating the elderly with dementia. Apparently these folks consume

an ‘average’ of 12 different drugs per day!

After dinner Bob and Michael sat in the big wing-back chairs in front of the

flickering fireplace overlooking the lights in Victoria harbor and began conversing

on the subject of Truth and of course women.

Bob still had no idea where he was going to sleep that evening and there was a

fair amount of mind chatter like…”Maybe Michael will spring for a room or at

least throw a few dollars his way” – he was still penniless.

But something within wouldn’t allow the mind’s attempts to scare him into

asking. It was getting late and Michael had a fairly long bike ride home, so they

hugged and off he went.

Oh well…the thought came to just hang out by the fire for a while and see what

happens. Perhaps the hotel had a couch hidden away somewhere that he could

crash on without causing any concern…

13

Sweet Mary…Mother of Jesus?

When he returned to the fireside lounge there was a woman sitting in the chair

that he had left a few minutes earlier. Bob asked if she minded if he sat beside her

and she smiled and politely replied…

“Oh please do, I am here alone on vacation and I would love some company.”

The conversation started out ‘light’…you know, small talk, sight-seeing etc. This

lovely woman, Mary, had lived in Barrie Ontario for many years and had recently

buried her beloved husband.

As she recounted the story of his sudden heart attack, her eyes began to well-up

and Bob could feel her pain in his own heart as well. Eventually the chat became a

real communion on the deeper territory of the mind, philosophy and spiritual

truth.

Again time just seemed to evaporate and she announced that it was past

midnight and she wanted to retire for the evening.

As he escorted her to the elevator and they exchanged contact information, the

thought came to go ahead and ‘give’ Mary the last copy of his book, which she

accepted with gratitude.

They said goodnight and he started to turn and go back to his seat in the fireside

lounge when Mary asked him to wait a minute; she wanted to pay for the book.

She pulled out a fifty dollar bill from her purse and wished him a safe journey.

Bob’s heart was overflowing with gratitude as he thanked her and gave her a hug.

Well there you go...he now had enough cash to pay for a room!

“Thank you Mary…thank you God.”

“Hmmm…wasn’t Mary the name given to the mother of Jesus?”

Gathering up his luggage, Bob headed out into the crisp night air in the direction

of the men’s shelter again…

14

Toothless in Victoria

The clerk on grave yard duty at the Salvation Army informed him that nobody is

admitted after midnight, even paying customers, and suggested he try a private

shelter a few blocks away.

As he arrived at the ‘Street Light Emergency Shelter’, there was another street

character talking into a speaker beside the front door. He overheard a soft female

voice beckon the fellow in and that she did have a room for him.

The man turned around to say hello and opened his mouth to show Bob the

spaces where he had just had several teeth removed and exclaimed that he was

in a fair amount of pain.

The thought came “I wonder where he found a dentist working at 1 am?”

Bob followed him into the lobby and a lovely East Indian woman asked that he

wait until she had checked the toothless character in.

Upon checking her computer she said that she was very sorry but they were now

full for the night. She graciously offered to make some phone calls to see if

something else was available close-by.

As it turned out there was a backpacker hostel called Ocean Island open about 10

minutes north and they had availability. Back out on the street again, suitcase in

tow, it was now close to 2 am.

A young woman desk clerk asked for $45 to cover the cost of the room, towel and

key deposit. He was assigned a top bunk in room 42 A…you guessed it on the 4th

floor, and no elevator!

Ka-boom, ka-boom, ka-boom, went the sound of the suitcase wheels hitting each

of what seemed like hundreds of steps.

He quickly made up the bed in the dark not wanting to disturb the other three

sleeping guests (as if the sound of the suitcase didn’t wake everyone in the

building). As he climbed up into the bunk he wondered whether he would be able

to sleep past his ‘normal’ 5 am wake up time…

15

Groundhog Day

Next morning Bob awoke feeling rested, climbed quietly down from his bunk, first

one in the shower and downstairs only to realize it was only 5:35 am and

Starbucks wouldn’t be open for another hour or so.

Oh well…at least he could leave the luggage here until the eleven o’clock check

out time. So, off for a walk and as he passed a local Catholic Church he noticed

some folks were actually entering the front door so in he went to attend an early

Mass.

“Wow…These folks were being told they are all sinners and have no hope of

redemption unless they confess all their sins and Jesus takes a liking to

them…hmmm!”

The rest of the day was pretty much a carbon copy of the day before, sort of like

“Groundhog Day”.

He had spent the last of his money on lunch and continued to hang out at the

library until closing at 9 pm.

Bob remembered that the young woman at the shelter that had taken in the

toothless fellow the previous night, had said that if he came back tomorrow

around ten in the evening they just might have a free space for him.

Arriving a half hour early he noticed two or three others waiting in line and was

told it was very unlikely any of them would get a room.

The mind was back at its old habits of trying to get under Bob’s skin by chattering

about, “Oh shit so now what? No money, no room…poor Bob etc.” as he turned

and headed back uptown to the closest Starbucks.

Again, handing over his existence, something inside told him that somehow things

would be okay, and gave him the confidence to shrug it off and soon found

himself singing Roger Miller’s song...

“King of the Road” – ‘Trailers for sale or rent… Rooms to let, fifty cents… No

phone, no pool, no pets… I ain't got no cigarettes… Ah, but, two hours of pushin'

broom ...’

16

The Tenth Hour

The nice thing about having a Starbucks internet membership was that rarely did

Bob actually purchase any food or coffee, but went unnoticed as he was using his

laptop and perhaps the staff just assumed he had ordered or was waiting for

someone…this of course is the mind making stuff up.

Well what do you know there was an e-mail from a friend offering him a place to

stay for the weekend as she would be out of town for three days.

Just then the manager of the store came by and said they were closing in 5

minutes at ten o’clock; so he hurriedly replied to her message but had to close his

laptop and leave not knowing if she actually got it or not.

Wouldn’t you know it there was another Starbucks still open a block away and he

sat outside and again fired up his computer.

Voila…there it was she had answered and asked where he was and that she had a

bed for him and wanted to pick him up.

As they gathered up the last of the outside patio chairs he made a quick reply to

tell her exactly where he was, just prior to the staff politely removing his chair and

table and closing for the night.

Ten minutes later a beautiful Angel appeared in her bright red Volkswagen Beetle

and off they went…

17

The Gift

On the way to her apartment this angel, Audrey, exclaimed that she had been

sending him e-mail messages all day to come and crash at her apartment for the

weekend as she would be away at a workshop.

But she didn’t get any answer! And although she rarely checks her messages that

late at night, for some reason she did tonight.

Well, Bob didn’t get any of the previous messages.

So, he chalked it up to Consciousness wanting to add a little more drama to his

life and really turn up the heat on his trust that ‘all is well’, by making him wait

until the 11th hour again!

Hmmm…make that the tenth hour.

At her apartment she showed him his room and helped make up a ‘real double

bed’! And, before retiring for the night she went over the house rules; there were

none. Audrey explained that she had food and a place to stay and that to her way

of thinking why not share it.

She told Bob that the only drawback was that she didn’t have a spare set of keys,

so he would not be able to leave the apartment until she returned, however, she

graciously offered to drive over to her sister’s house to pick up another set of

keys, but Bob declined thinking…

“Leave... Why would I want to leave this glorious space?!” Effectively he was

locked-up for three days. This news was a welcome respite from the constant

moving for the past week or so.

Later, upon retiring for the night he noticed a poster on the back of the bedroom

door. It had a circle in the middle and crayon drawings around the circle of a sun,

a tree, flowers etc. Inside the circle were the words…

“I AM the Gift”, and at the bottom of the poster was the name” Audrey”. Bob’s

heart opened, his eyes moistened, and the thought came…

“Yes indeed Audrey… You ARE the Gift!”

18

In Jail at the Taj

The next morning, Audrey showed Bob around this lovely space and went over

where all the food was, how to operate appliances and the new flat screen

television

She also had an exercise machine – you know the type that simulates cross

country skiing – that could be strategically placed directly in front of the TV. And

guess what?

This was Father’s Day weekend, which of course meant there would be hours and

hours of coverage of the US Open golf tournament.

So there you go… a relaxing long weekend in the Taj Mahal jail.

“Thank you Audrey! …thank you God!”

Somewhere deep inside he knew there really wasn’t any difference.

Over the next few days Bob was enjoying the freedom of his jail cell; meditating,

exercising with the weights and spending a lot of time skiing in front of the

television.

On Sunday’s telecast, the overnight leader was now faltering and playing very

poorly. Johnny Miller, one of the more colorful golf announcers made the

comment… “All good things come to an end.”

“Hmmm”, Thought Bob… “Perhaps it might be more precise to say”…

“All ‘things’ come to an end – good, bad, ugly or beautiful.”

There were frequent fresh air breaks out on the sunny, large, third story balcony

overlooking the ocean and mountains. Ogden Point was visible several kilometers

to the east and at night the cruise ships lit up the water like a small city…

19

The Bubble Bursts

The following Monday morning, Audrey graciously spent some time with Bob on

the internet, checking out possible sources of revenue for him through the local

welfare system. So far it appeared that he might be eligible for approximately $

225 a month in social assistance.

Later, she went off to pickup an extra set of keys from her sister.

Then came the ‘pin’ that burst the bubble that Bob had been hanging out in over

the weekend…

Upon Audrey’s return from picking up the keys – she is playfully referred to as the

warden in the next chapter – she posed this question…

“So Robert, I guess you will be out looking for a job in the morning eh?”

Bob’s mind reacted with terror!

“A job?!” … “Hmmmm….”

He suddenly felt claustrophobic and needing to get out of the apartment and go

for a walk, now that he had a set of keys.

Upon exiting ‘the Taj’, a few steps into the walk and taking a deep breath, the

thought came…

“Ahh…freedom!” Followed immediately by an inner smiling voice that said…

“No, this isn’t True freedom; real Freedom doesn’t have a location.”

As he walked he pondered the word ‘job’, and once again, after handing over his

existence to Existence, the next thought was…

“Sure, why not a job if that is what is required for the next act of this Play that this

Bob character is scripted for.”

He had the utmost trust in the Producer you see.

Again, he began humming a few bars from ‘King of the Road’…

20

The Warden Puts the Cuffs on Bob’s Ego

There is a saying that seems apropos here…

“Trying to apprehend one’s own ego is like dressing up a thief in a police uniform

and sending him out to catch the criminal.”

In the morning there was a new book sitting precariously on the kitchen table,

and although Bob generally had no interest in reading, the title did invoke a mild

curiosity; something about God laughing. He thought it was well written and

actually quite funny. Here is one of the jokes:

“My Grandfather is 88 years old and has sex almost every day… He almost had sex

on Monday; he almost had sex on Tuesday….”

Later, over coffee, Audrey and Bob were having a discussion about the book and

the author, who had written many books on spiritual matters and is actually quite

famous; having thousands, maybe millions of followers.

As he re-read an excerpt from the book out loud, he heard himself making

comments like, in his mind this author was a very good and entertaining writer

but, in Bob’s opinion he was writing ‘about’ Truth and not ‘from’ Truth and so

on…

He wanted to grab the words before they came out as he could sense this talk

was starting to upset Audrey, but for some reason he wasn’t able to.

Well, she let him have it with both barrels…

“Robert!” She said sternly…“I’m really fed up with your exhibition of spiritual

superiority and ego! And this is not the first time!”

“You are really starting to piss me off!”

And with that she left for her swimming class.

She really never spoke to him again for the rest of his stay.

Although a bit stunned he was sincerely grateful to Audrey for exposing the ‘thief’

that had been hiding out in the spiritual bushes of his mind!

21

“I‘ve met someone.”

Now, I haven’t really spoken much about Bob and Anke’s relationship.

And there really isn’t a lot to say other than there was/is a strong energetic pull

that expressed itself as a lover/companion/confidant /friend and business

partner.

Although, oddly enough he didn’t ‘seem’ to miss her or pine for her when they

were apart.

However, a week after they said farewell at the bus terminal, Bob gets an e-mail

from Anke, bringing him up to date with ‘things’.

Although there was a lot of other information, the only thing he could see

was…”I’ve met someone.”

“Gee whiz…isn’t God ever going to let up?!”

“It’s only been a week!!!”

He felt like God was reaching into his chest and tearing out his heart!

A few tears did flow and of course the mind jumped right in with…

“Oh…poor Bob, now even Anke’s love has been taken away…boo, hoo.”

But a funny thing was that something inside would start the self-enquiry.

Every time this phrase, “I’ve met someone”, came up to haunt him as a thought it

was immediately followed by…

”So, exactly who is it that is suffering here?!”

“Who is the jealous one?!” “Who is losing what?!”

Then there arose deep gratitude to Anke/God for reminding him that there truly

wasn’t any ‘one’ there to suffer, other than an image he was holding of himself in

his mind.

22

Tough Love

‘Tough love’ is an old expression that referred to a methodology for dealing with

hard to control teens, drug addicts and alcoholics. The premise was/is that these

people had to be dealt with in a firm manner that ‘appeared’ uncaring or tough.

But of course this action really had an underlying love and genuine concern for

the well-being of the individual.

This is exactly the sense I was getting from nearly everyone around me who used

to show warmth, affection and generosity.

At first the feeling was…

“Geesus, what the hell is going on? Doesn’t anyone care if I have to sleep on the

street?!”

However, my trust in the benevolent Will of God or Consciousness, allowed me

not to take anything personally…well most of the time.

To me, everybody I meet is really the ‘Self’ wearing the costume of a particular

person, acting out the script that has been written by the Holy Ghost.

In hindsight it appears that perhaps Consciousness as expressed through Anke,

Mike, Mary, Michael, Audrey and all the rest of the characters in this act of the

Play, were being used to inflict ‘tough love’ on Robert and expose a hidden

addiction to his mind and pseudo ‘I’dentity…who knows?

Throughout the writing of this story there has been an underlying feeling of

unease, as it was felt that I was actually aiding and abetting a trickster…a thief –

the inner journalist of the mind…the ego.

I felt that writing about the past was somehow robbing me of spontaneity and the

ability to see the world with ‘fresh’ eyes.

Now that the writing is finished, I am officially firing the inner journalist!

Namaste…

23

So much for ‘my’ will!

“Well there you go, I guess ‘I’ cannot fire the inner journalist – that task is up to

the Boss – the journalist will not resign on his own.”

Closure

Bob finally had closure with his sweetie yesterday after she answered questions

about her new flame, who she had met a while ago, on an internet chat line.

It was really amazing. He was sitting outside in the sunshine pondering her

answers, and all of a sudden, tears started to flow.

But the amazing part is that they were tears of joy for her and her new

love! Suddenly he felt very happy that she was now in love again...he could sense

it in her e-mail.

That night was Bob’s first night out of Audrey's apartment, and later, it really did

seem like another dark night of the soul, so to speak.

Friend Michael called him and invited Bob to join him and his friend, Stuart, for

beverages and a bite to eat at the Canoe Club downtown. A lively conversation

ensued around truth, philosophy and of course women.

After Stuart left, it was getting dark and started to cool off on the patio, so he and

Michael moved inside where they resumed their conversation; especially the part

about …you guessed, it women. They left around 11 pm and Michael got on his

bike and headed home.

Bob still didn't know where he was going to sleep, but the thought came that as

money was running out again – the CPP cheque from last week sure didn't last

long – he started heading for the Salvation Army shelter again; but there was

quite a lot of mind chatter about not wanting to go there again!

Dragging the suitcase, he just kept moving past the door and couldn't seem to

make himself go in…

24

Company Policy

The thought came that even though he didn’t have much money left – although

after buying food and a couple of beers for he and Michael, he wasn't really sure

how much – maybe he could still get a room at the Backpacker hostel a few blocks

away for less than $50.

Well...you guessed it, they were totally full! So, he sat on the couch in the hostel

lobby until they closed the place around 1 am or so.

Back out on the street and wondering around kind of aimlessly, somehow the

mind got to him. Perhaps it was due to exhaustion, as he had been up since 5 am;

he had a little pity party in the middle of the empty square.

God was really starting to p... him off!

He started walking toward the Christ Church Cathedral, thinking that perhaps he

could curl up on one of the benches outside in the garden, although he didn't

have any blankets. Of course the mind was constantly making up this stuff but

perhaps he was too tired and just sort of went along with all its gibberish.

Anyway, at the corner just before the church he came across a Comfort Inn. He

really didn't know if the bank account could handle one of their rooms but the

thought came, "Well it never hurts to ask".

The night clerk was very kind and explained that as it was Canada Day weekend

they only had two rooms available and they were at a premium price. He

suggested another hotel that was considerably cheaper four or five blocks back

the same way he had just traveled.

Bob really didn't think he could actually walk that far, so he said he would take

one of the rooms and then crossed his fingers that his debit card would not be

declined due to lack of funds. Before he even tried the debit machine the clerk

said he must also have a credit card; company policy…

25

Comfort at the Inn

Although he did carry a self-loaded visa card but knew it was also out of gas, so to

speak.

So, this lovely gentleman said, not to worry he would break the company policy,

being as he could see Bob was exhausted and after all, it was now 2 am, and he

wasn't likely to rent it anyway.

It only takes a few seconds for the screen on the debit machine to say yes or no,

but it felt like an hour tonight, as the mind was up to its old tricks of trying to

scare him.

But alas, the fears were completely bogus, and the card was approved.

“Thank you God!”

Even though a half hour ago He was Bob’s arch enemy.

He slept like a log and had a leisurely breakfast in covered courtyard listening to

the sound of rain hitting the glass roof…

26

On the street without any sheets

The mind was unusually quiet today and tonight, since the re-enforcement of his

conviction that ‘none of this is real’; it was a another day of moving between the

various Starbucks stores and churches until dusk and then back downtown to see

where/if Bobby might find shelter.

What a zoo it was, with all the Canada Day revelry and hoopla!

But it really didn’t bother him too much as he traveled upstream against the flow

of folks heading home from the fireworks display in the inner harbor.

Every room in town was booked even the pay-as-you-go variety at the Sally Ann.

The bank account was once again teetering on empty.

So, away he went and found a fairly quiet bench in a little park beside the church.

Bob just sort of got settled and it started to rain… so off again, luggage in tow, and

he ended up on Cook Street.

Whad’ya know... there on the sidewalk were some tables and chairs in front of

the My Tai restaurant, and Simple Remedies Herbals. Perhaps the staff had

neglected to bring them in when they closed. This became Bob’s campsite for the

night.

He was able to relocate a chair into the small alcove at the entrance to the

restaurant and so stay a little bit dryer. He also moved a table in front of the

luggage and computer case so they weren’t too conspicuous.

He basically sat up in the chair all night and marinated, while at the same time

watching the endless stream of characters returning from partying in their red

and white outfits. Most were inebriated to some extent.

He may have nodded off for a few minutes at most…

27

“I just don’t get it!”

A beautiful sunrise was experienced around 5 am or so, and then off again to

Starbucks in Cook Street Village at 6 am. He is amazed at how little sleep the body

seems to require these days.

After spending two hours on the computer, it was time to get moving; again

dragging suitcase. A few blocks went by and then all of a sudden this cloud of

anger arose in Bob that took him completely by surprise, as his mood seemed

quite amiable up till then.

Suddenly he just stopped beside a secluded park bench in Beacon Hill Park, and

had the strongest melt down yet! The fatigue from lack of sleep finally kicked in…

“Okay God, this is it... I just don’t get it!!!”

Parking the heavy suitcase against the bench, he literally ripped off the extra coat

he was wearing and exclaimed out loud...

“I think this Awakening or Enlightenment is a whole pile of b…s…t! And you can

stick it up your cosmic rectum!

Now…I absolutely refuse to drag that f….ing suitcase another inch until you tell me

why I should!

Either give me some kind of sign…or eliminate this instrument now!”

He pointed his finger at his chest.

“I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired dragging this thing aimlessly for no

‘apparent ‘purpose that I have been able to come up with!”

So, again I refuse to move an inch from here until you give me a good f…ing

reason, you sadistic son of a bitch!’

And all the while the tears and heartache were coming like tidal waves. He then

laid down on the bench for two hours or so, waiting and fuming.

But, he didn’t get any answer…

28

A Call to Prayer

The negative energy was so strong he couldn’t even begin to start his normal

inquiry as to ‘who is it that is upset or suffering here?’

To Bob there really didn’t appear to be any reason to continue with this life and

he truly wanted it or God to either go ahead and take him out of this cloud of

fierce doubt or just eliminate his presence on the globe!

But perhaps the underlying reason had to do with some kind of denial. He had

been thinking that the ordeal of the last 3 ½ weeks was behind him and that the

rest would be smooth sailing, so to speak.

And maybe unconsciously he was waiting to see a shift in his outer life

circumstances… for the better!

‘Things’ did seem to improve when Audrey rescued Bob and put him up for

almost two weeks, so of course when ‘things’ again were perceived as getting

worse, then it brought up all sorts of stuff that must have been buried in his

psyche…

Somehow, the urge came to get going again and he had to again continue his walk

although ‘still under the cloud of anger and protest.’

As he reached the top of the steep hill on Quadra Street, he looked across at the

Cathedral… its open doors almost beckoning him to come in.

But he didn’t move toward it for a long while…he just stood at the side of the

road and kept quiet.

Then again an impulse or voice said…

“Maybe you need to pray for help?”

29

Shift happens

Bob entered the church, which was almost completely empty of people, walked

straight to the front where they must do all of the ceremonies and sat in the first

pew directly in front of this gold cross.

He noticed pictures and stained glass windows showing Jesus carrying the cross

and immediately broke into tears again and thought of the suitcase as his cross.

He made some silent prayers from an open, aching heart and asked for help.

A short while later, the urge to move came and he got up and exited the church.

As he walked he started to feel a kind of humility and softness in his body.

His usual question came to mind, “Ok…now, which way do we go?” and as the

words came out he realized that he was actually talking to Jesus or God instead of

himself.

This shift happened on its own as he can’t recall any deliberate change in who he

was asking, however, he used to have the ‘sense’ that he was asking the Source or

God, but it never really felt like this time.

It was very subtle but noticeable how different the feeling was when he actually

started to move again…more like a more powerful ally was in control.

It seems that God or Christ or the Absolute had somehow become more

established in his heart and it felt good.

The bottom line here is that although Bob thought he was continuously turning

over his existence to Existence, there must have been some underlying belief that

things would turn out a certain way, or for the better.

In hindsight, who actually knows, in the big picture, what is better?

It’s like Mooji says:

“You think you can take care of yourself and your life better than God. Do not

think you know the way to your own deliverance.”

30

Heaven can wait!

Here is a cute story that presents the same message in a lighter way…

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry, who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple a blocks and turn to your right." Terry thanked the boy kindly and said... "I'm the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on mister... “You don't even know the way to the fucking Post Office"

31

The Bottom, Bottom Line

Funny eh... here he was back at the ‘Salvation’ Army shelter after making up all

kinds of excuses to himself as to why he didn’t want to stay there…sanitation

issues, negative mentality of the inmates etc., but deep down he must have really

felt that he somehow deserved better than this.

What’s that old saying…be careful what you wish for?

By not accepting the situation he found himself in fully, in his heart …or by

thinking that it should be different than the way it was, Bob suffered!

But the suffering turned into a beautiful lesson when he returned to the shelter

for the evening.

The old guy (apparently he is 85) in the bottom bunk next him was being

confronted by a younger man who seemed somewhat delusional. The younger

man was stating that the old guy was in ‘his’ bed and that he had slept there last

night.

Without even hesitating the old gentleman hopped slowly out of bed and

apologized. Please go ahead he said… perhaps there was a mistake.

Several other ‘regulars’ knew the young man as usually unreliable and that they

hadn’t seen him last night etc. Then a management fellow appeared and kindly

escorted the old guy to another room.

Bob was really touched by how humble and totally accepting the old guy had

been and he again began pondering how he had been resisting his stay there.

His heart was brimming with gratitude… “What a gift!” he thought, as he drifted

off to sleep.

32

An apropos poem

I received this poem from Michael the next day!

This kind of fire – by Charles Bukowski

Sometimes I think the gods

deliberately keep pushing me

into the fire

just to hear me yelp

a few good lines.

They just aren't going to

let me retire

silk scarf about neck

giving lectures at Yale.

The gods need me to

entertain them.

They must be terribly

bored with all the others

and I am too.

And now my cigarette lighter

has gone dry.

I sit here hopelessly

flicking it.

This kind of fire

they can't give

me.

33

The Chapel

Prior to leaving the Sally-Ann the next morning, and checking for free rooms –

again there were none available – Bob was informed that starting tonight they

were opening the chapel to accommodate the homeless.

Apparently this was a BC Housing initiative to help take more people off the

streets at night. He was told that if he returned at 9 pm he could sign up for a free

bed, which he did.

Upon returning he noticed that the floor of the chapel was now covered with

camping style mats, pillows and blankets. There were numbers taped on the floor

in front of each mat.

Bob was assigned number six for a period of thirty days. You could not check in

until nine at night and must leave the premises by nine in the morning. He asked

about the use of the showers and washrooms. The young man on duty kindly

replied that he was eligible to use all of the facilities, including meals in the

cafeteria!

“Wow,” thought Bob, “This is great, even though the mats offer little support; at

least it is much quieter and spacious than the dorms! Plus free meals!”

This is where Bob met Winston, a very happy sixty nine year old gentleman from

Wales, who told him his life story as a gypsy, riding in boxcars across Canada and

the US. He was quite content and grateful to have this space to sleep.

Bob’s mat just happened to be situated directly below the pulpit and again the

symbol of the cross was hanging on the wall above his mat.

“Thanks JC!”

34

Get Me to the Church on Time

The next day, Bob is walking around in total joy! He didn’t want anything, or need

anything or anyone for that matter. There arose a deep knowing that this joy

is/has always been there and will always be there regardless of anything in the

outer circumstances of his life.

Leaving the library, he finds himself singing the lyrics to an old song,

“Get me to the church on time” …‘I’m getting married in the morning…Ding dong

the bells are gonna chime…’♫

Then what d’ya know… down to the next block at the church across the street –

and he swears this is true – he notices a bride and groom standing outside with

the wedding party and well-wishers.

Then all of a sudden the church bells began to chime….hmmm.

This feeling of joy in his heart intensified a little.

To Bob there is something sacred about a wedding.

Forget about all of the vows and commitments.

To Bob it simply means surrendering totally to the Beloved or God and the union

of His two polarities.

And the understanding that there never was ‘two’.

35

Not Two

Today’s message from Mooji:

He is reading a letter from someone saying that they are afraid of losing him.

After being still for a moment the response comes…

“I am everywhere, you cannot lose me... I am you…

We are one. There are not two”…And he held up two fingers.

Such a simple yet powerful message!

A reminder that the Consciousness that I am is all pervading and doesn’t ‘go’

anywhere; and that everything is This. No ‘one’ is outside of Consciousness.

There can be no separation between me and other.

Consciousness or Awareness is all there is.

So the mantra for most of the day, whenever the mind was actively separating

things, especially people into categories and qualities, a reminder would act like

one of those annoying pop ups on the computer – “Not Two”.

It was especially helpful when the mind went hunting for juicy bits from the past,

such as when Bob is sitting at Starbucks, he notices a poster advertising an

upcoming play, “A Streetcar Named Desire”, with a very steamy scene of a woman

tearing off her lovers t-shirt. And the mind sneaks in with a vision of his former

and her present love – the mind is so very cunning sometimes.

Anyway, almost instantaneously the pop up would announce…“Not two”. And the

whole scene evaporates as Bob knows that both of the people on the screen in

this little daydream scene are actually the Self enjoying the Self, and there aren’t

two.

This mantra was continuous for most of the day until the realization came that he

was actually trying to control the mind. Then there was a stepping back to stay as

the “silent watcher” and just remain as Awareness and not get involved. Both the

pop ups and the images lost their virility.

36

Anke kicks Bob’s butt

Today Bob receives this e-mail from Anke.

It is in response to a somewhat sappy and self-centred message from him about

her not wanting to talk to him and that he thought their past relationship was as

good as it gets etc. etc …

Sent: July 11, 2010 11:53:52 AM

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Dear Bob,

It's true about the best of the best and the worst of the worst being

opportunities for clear seeing.

And sometimes I just want to tell you to get over yourself, it's like you're

making too much drama of our relationship.

Hey, I was just diagnosed with a kind of breast cancer on Thursday - it's not a

very aggressive kind luckily.

Thanks to you, Mooji etc I am taking it quite well.

Namaste,

Anke

There will be more updates on Anke’s ‘C’ journey …

37

Bob eats more crow…

Here is his response to the last e-mail…

From: Robert Keegan <robertkeegan@hotmail.com>

Date: Sunday, July 11, 2010 3:13 pm

Subject: Assume

Dear Anke,

Isn't it amazing how that word just seems to come up and bite

you in the ass!

Sorry honey, for the assumptions.

And thank you for yet another lesson in pointing out my self-

centredness and arrogance.

I am truly grateful!

Love

B

xo

38

Hat in Hand

Bob took several breaks in the sun and away from the internet at the library

today. He managed to find a secret hiding spot for the suitcase; so as not to raise

anymore suspicion from the security staff.

Around lunch time he headed downtown to the main drag and surveyed the

territory to see where he might begin his attempt to acquire funds for lunch or

whatever.

Lo and behold there he was, outstretched arm with his hat in hand willingly

accepting any donations that came his way…wow, talk about burning up the old

ego!

There was light-heartedness about it all…but no money.

Perhaps he needed training or at least some tips from experts in this area.

39

‘Del’ the Bag Lady

After the library closed for the evening, Bob headed out to ‘wherever’ and passed

a real live bag lady as she stooped down to feed a seagull. She had a pile of

different colored bags overflowing a shopping cart.

Bob stopped and introduced himself. She responded by extending her left hand

much like you used to see a queen beckoning someone to kiss her hand, she

replied with, “Pleased to meet you Bob, my name is Del.”

Bob took her hand gently and the thought did come to kiss it but perhaps this

wasn’t her intention, and maybe she would be offended.

He briefly explained his current situation of zero dollars and no bed and asked if

she could recommend somewhere. She suggested Beacon Hill Park. Apparently

they do allow sleeping in the park but you must vacate by 7am. And, she repeated

a warning to watch out for the sprinklers. They come on around 3 am.

Bob asked a few more questions about her life on the street and was told that

‘they’ really don’t accept homeless street people here in Victoria. They don’t

provide any assistance other than two shelters, which as she put it, are ‘pretty

rough’.

She said that most people just try to ignore her instead of giving her any money.

Del actually seemed more perturbed that she was being ignored; the money was

secondary to her. A smile or friendly hello was more what she appreciated.

She asked where he was headed?... and Bob said that right now he was thinking

of going across the street to Starbucks and using the last three dollars on his debit

card to buy a coffee . Upon hearing this she took his hand and led him across the

street saying she was going to buy him a coffee, “Do you like a tall or grande?”

She said.

Once again Bob was filled with gratitude and had a feeling that he hadn’t seen the

last of Del…

40

Baptism by Dove

Back at the Cathedral, giving thanks for the life he was in, Bob was reading some

of the history of the cathedral.

There is an area called ‘The Baptistery’. It has a marble floor and huge stained

glass windows depicting the children of all nations. In the background of one of

the ten foot high windows there is a white dove.

The story goes that in the early days there wasn’t any glass installed as yet, and

when the first baby baptism service took place, just as the service began, a white

dove flew in, circled around and then stayed on a ledge until the service was over.

It then flew back out into the bright blue sky.

And it reminded him of a scene from the movie, “The Man Who Sued God”,

Billy Connolly plays Steve Myers, a lawyer who became a fisherman from

frustration. When his one piece of property, his boat, is struck by lightning and

destroyed he is denied insurance money because it was 'an act of God'.

He re-registers as a lawyer and sues the insurance company and the church under

the guise of God, defending himself. The accident leads him to a friendship and

eventual relationship with a journalist.

Near the end of the movie after Myers makes an impassioned plea to the court,

suddenly high up in the building (which actually looked more like a church than a

courtroom) one of the stained glass windows is blown open and in flies a white

bird.

As everyone stares up in awe of the brilliant light that surrounded the bird,

someone said, it’s the peace dove.

Myers looked up and exclaimed…

“That’s not a Dove it’s a f….ing Cockatoo!

41

Leonard Jr. Shows up

Sitting at the library in my kiosk, on the second floor mezzanine overlooking the

glassed in courtyard. It is past lunch and as breakfast had been missed this

morning the stomach is starting to growl.

Some thoughts were lurking in the mind trying to molest me about the lack of

food and what was I going to do for the rest of the month etc.

Then all of a sudden I hear the sound of Leonard Cohen singing “Halleluiah”. His

beautiful voice seemed to be coming from the courtyard, so I hopped up and

went to have a look.

There in the centre of the atrium leaning up against a sculpture was a young

Cohen wearing his signature fedora hat and strumming his guitar as his deep

melodious voice sang the words to one of my favourite songs…I am so blessed.

He was what is called a busker, and he had his guitar case open to accept money

from anyone passing by. Remembering my conversation with Del, and the fact

that I had no money, I sat down and thoroughly enjoyed his singing.

He appreciated my appreciation and we had a very neat connection for the

duration of his singing…

“Thank you Leonard…thank you Buddha!”

Leonard had spent a few years at a Buddhist Monastery in California.

Upon returning to his office in the library, Bob receives an e-mail from Esther,

asking him to come and stay at her apartment while she is away for three weeks.

He will need to look after Neo, her cat.

Esther writes that she will be by the following Monday to pick him up and show

him her place and introduce him to Neo.

“Halleluiah”!

42

Running on Empty

Over the past few weeks the underlying theme, if you will, is ‘running on empty’.

Quite literally the pockets and stomach have been either teetering on or

completely empty.

The significance of this to me is that there is a constant reminder by an inner

voice to “remain empty”.

Empty of past, empty of future, empty of intention, empty of strategies, or

expectation.

On the third morning of my stay on the floor in the Chapel at the Sally-Ann, I

overheard one of the managers telling one of the newbie’s that he was only

allowed the use of the communal shower and nothing else. No food from the

cafeteria and he must vacate the space by 9 am.

This is not what he heard when signing in on Sunday night, but it was the second

time that I had overheard this instruction, so it would be out of integrity to go

ahead and continue taking meals, knowing I was breaking the rules.

Later in the afternoon an impulse came to go back down to the SA and plead my

case so to speak, and out I went to have a heart to heart with the manager. On

the 15 minute walk the mind was throwing up all kinds of thoughts and doing a

dress rehearsal of what Bob was going to say and even envisioning the response

and all kinds of scenarios of consequences, the most potent of which was that he

would be turned down and therefore no food.

Waiting in line to talk with the same young man that had originally checked me in,

the mind was quieting down as I ignored it’s chatter and calmly explained that

perhaps I had misunderstood him, and that I was asking if there was any wiggle

room in the rules so that Ie might be allowed to get food for few days.

He said he would speak with his supervisor and I left for walk along Wharf Street.

Returning an hour or so later, I waited outside for either the young clerk or his

supervisor to acknowledge me…

43

Captain Paul to the rescue

After waiting for some time and knowing that dinner hour would soon be over –

they only allow forty five minutes for eating – the thought came…

“Oh well, I guess Bob doesn’t eat today”, and walked back to the kiosk in the

library. Having fasted many times, this really wasn’t seen as such a big deal.

A short time later and Bob gets an e-mail from a friend, Captain Paul, saying that

he is flying in to Victoria and would he like to accompany him to watch his 19 year

old son Mark play lacrosse?

Within twenty minutes or so Paul arrived and after a big hello hug; he hadn’t seen

Paul for a couple of years, he and the suitcase were off in a new rented SUV.

Right here I would like to clarify something. I do not consider myself a victim! Even

though I might refer to being rescued, this is just an expression of gratitude to the

Consciousness for its compassion in providing for this character at the appropriate

moment in the Play. To me the part I appear to be playing is just that, a part.

On the way to the game Paul said…

“Boy am I hungry, do you mind if we stop at A&W for a Momma Burger?”

“Thank you Captain…thank you God.”

We sat and enjoyed my first official lacrosse game. It is quite fast paced and

rougher than ice hockey. Young Marky’s team was victorious and he scored a

couple of goals himself.

After the game we all went out for an appetizer and a beer, then back to the mat

in the chapel.

44

Don’t Jump!

Stepping out of the Chapel the next morning, it was apparent that we were in for

a hot day as the temperature was already up at 6 am. Bob headed for the bridge

and a walk along the waterfront.

He noticed a man over-hanging the Johnson Street Bridge, and the first thought

was, “Maybe he is going to jump.” But as Bob approached the man beckoned him

to have look in the water below.

The tide was down and he gazed down at the water. At first it appeared to be a

large area of plankton moving gracefully and rhythmically in the current, but upon

closer inspection Bob could see that there were literally millions of very small fish

moving together in a cloud of newborn life.

As he watched in utter amazement for a few minutes, he noticed there was a

single minnow swimming away from the mass of other fish, out toward the ocean

and his heart was brimming with joy; as he related to this little fellow and his

experience of feeling like he was breaking away from the crowd and more literally

the mind.

Bob continued his walk on the seawall in a state of utter joy and gratitude!

It certainly put a stop to any thoughts of whether or not he would eat today,

although the kind folks at the shelter did provide muffins and coffee this morning.

45

Advice from Onassis

When Bob was first starting out in the business world, in the late 70’s, Aristotle

Onassis was one of the richest men on the planet. For years Bob had used a quote

from him; when asked what he attributed his enormous success to, Onassis’s

response was…

“It is very simple. I believe there are only three rules to follow for success. First,

always borrow as much money as you can. Second, always pay it back on

time…and finally, always have a tan!”

It continues to amaze me just how much energy and interest goes into preserving

and maintaining this image called Robert. Lately there has been a following or

noticing just where the attention is going and what it is interested in. It seems

mostly it is concerned with thoughts, secondly the body and what it’s doing or

feeling or how it looks etc., and lastly what appears in view in front of it. This self-

concern or interest is often more noticeable when the body is fatigued or hungry.

Today Bob took a break at noon from the library and went for a walk in the Inner

Harbour and although he didn’t think he was hungry, it seemed that every other

tourist had something to eat in their hands.

From his early teens it seems Bob has had a strong obsession with the body.

Physical fitness was a daily routine with running, weights and vitamin

supplements. He liked the way his body looked and had received many

compliments over the years.

Although this self-consciousness has been ebbing away…sort of at the same pace

as the body, and his identity is ebbing away; he wonders if this is a strong

unchallenged attachment that needs to be addressed.

Sitting in a sunny spot in the park, he removes his shirt and looking down at the

body, ponders how much of an obsession this still might be…

46

You Don’t Have to Kiss any Frogettes

Women, women, women… there everywhere!!!

It seems to be part of Bob’s hormonal programming as he has always had a lot of

sexual energy, but lately there seems to be a much more powerful pull on the

attention toward women.

Like just now sitting out on Starbucks patio by the fountain, on a delightful warm

Victoria Day, and in the middle of typing this; the attention darts out towards the

form of a woman in a red dress.

Now I know that a lot of people would say…it’s the dress right? Well maybe. But

the ‘noticing’ is that almost as fast as the attention darts out ‘something’ seems

to be reigning it in, so to speak. Deep down the knowing is, that it is much better

to remain unattached for a while and just tend to his own spiritual garden.

However this is starting to get to him

Perhaps it is like a rebound thing, because Bob really wasn’t interested to this

extent when he was in love and in a nurturing relationship – physical, mental and

especially spiritual. And, although male energy is always attracted to its opposite

polarity, that is natural …no? There is no memory of this heightened sense of

interest.

A theory (oh how I dislike using that word), could be that the Consciousness is

showing Bob where the last of his attachments are hiding…hmmm.

Although, the inner pull toward total Freedom is greater!

He realized a long time ago that he didn’t have to kiss any frogettes.

If it’s in the Script, the exact ‘right one’ will show up on queue.

From past experience there is nothing quite as intense as the total surrender to

the Beloved in All ways physical, spiritual and mental.

So, perhaps it is the mind trying to hang on to those feelings and memories.

47

You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling … by the Righteous Brothers

This is one of the all time world’s most played songs on radio…

You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips. And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips. You're trying hard not to show it, (baby). But baby, baby I know it... You've lost that lovin' feeling, Whoa, that lovin' feeling, You've lost that lovin' feeling, Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh. ♫ Sitting outside on Starbucks patio, watching the pigeons and enjoying the silence

of the fountain, a couple walk by hand-in-hand and that old loving feeling arose,

perhaps from habit or memory…or perhaps not.

Right behind the first couple came two men and as they passed Bob noticed the

one man was hanging on to the other’s elbow and he was carrying a white

walking stick.

Well, guess what…the same loving feeling arose!

Bob’s nature has always been to be affectionate and he likes to touch and be

touched. He was starting to think that every time a couple walked by hand-in-

hand and this feeling arose, it meant that he was pining for an old flame or a

woman to walk with!

So there you go… nothing to fret about.

Nothing has been lost.

That lovin’ feeling just arises spontaneously out of Consciousness.

48

A Backward Step

Enroute to the library early this morning Bob decides to stop for a rest in Bastion

Square, on a bench overlooking the entire Inner Harbour. Even at this early hour it

is a buzz of activity; float planes landing and taking off, water taxis’ moving to and

fro, the ferry to Seattle arriving, fishing charter boats taking on supplies for a day

at sea, the odd sailboat maneuvering through the maze and some early rising

tourists from the cruise ships walking about.

He comments to the woman sitting beside him…

“Best seat in the house eh?”

Turning to acknowledge him, she replies,

“Yes… I’m watching the world go by and it is getting quite exhausting!!”

“I understand”, said Bob, “I have found that when I take one step back the picture

becomes more panoramic and less chaotic.”

He was referring to the fact that his habit of focusing on individual objects seems

to be shifting somewhat, by itself. The attention seems to be remaining more

passive and less concerned about individual movement and things that come and

go.

49

The Donkey and the Del

Del refers to her shopping cart, which is laden with various items to assist her in

living comfortably on the street, as her Donkey.

To most passers by the overflow of bags and cardboard might look like a load of

trash, but for Del it her self-propelled home on wheels.

In conversations with her it is obvious that this donkey is both an albatross

around her neck and a source of comfort. And every item in the cart is of some

value to her.

She really cannot stray too far from the donkey for fear that the city maintenance

people might confiscate it and throw out her ‘stuff’. So, whether she is having

coffee at Starbucks or chatting with her friends, she always has her eye on that

cart.

Knowing this, today I offered to buy her a coffee at a Starbucks that had a counter

in front of the window, so she could leave her stuff and still keep an eye on it.

It never ceases to amaze me at the level of conversations that pop up out of the

blue with almost everyone coming into my orbit these days.

It turns out that Del has been studying ‘A Course in Miracles’ for a few years now,

and this led to a deeper level of communication than I ever assumed I would have

with her.

So, there ya’ go…another assumption takes a bite!

50

Well bite my butt again!

Heading out for an early morning stroll, on the way out of the shelter Bob had to

pass the usual group of smokers on the sidewalk out front.

As he paused to take in the sunshine and a breath of fresh air one of the ‘regulars’

approached him.

This was a younger chap maybe in his mid thirties, who Bob had observed many

times in the past month or so. He seemed to have some kind of nervous affliction

and wasn’t able to sit or stand still for more than a second or two, always on the

move pacing or fidgeting in his chair. And, he had never actually seen him speak

to anyone.

Assuming he, like a lot of others, was going to ask for a cigarette, Bob cut him off

and said he was sorry, but he did not smoke.

The young man responded…

“Oh… okay, I was just going to offer you a cigarette.”

Geesus, if I had a nickel for every time an assumption has come back to bite me in

the butt…well you get the picture.

51

A Poem from Mary

Today I received this poem from Mary…

Trusted Gardener

Trusted Gardener, Tame what has grown too wild. Free what has become too tame. Claim what has been neglected. Awaken what has been dormant. Thank you for the companions, Whose presence led me to my deeper self. I open the door of my heart to you. I open the door of my heart.

So apropos and so beautiful, no?

52

Pre-Prolog

Okay, once the story had reached fifty pages, I thought that the writing was again

finished…finito, done!!!

So, there you go…

Proves once again that it’s not up to ‘me’.

From my cabin in the sunny meadow, surrounded by fifty meter high fir and pine

trees, once again I take pen to paper…and fingers to keyboard.

At the urging of several friends, the ‘story’ continues.

Maybe the writing will stop at 100 pages…

53

Lighten the f… up!

This is an e-mail sent to some friends along the Way…

You know I got to thinking (sometimes that can be dangerous) of how very serious

I was being with all of this.

And the realization came that I had been falling into a pattern of un-lightened

thinking and moods.

Now, I could blame the atmosphere at the SA...or the perceived hardships this

character named Bob is undergoing, but of course that would be putting the

blame or 'cause'..."out there".

One of the lines from ACIM that I like so much came to mind...

"The Son of God forgot to laugh" (or if you will, the Daughter...).

So, henceforth please feel free to give Bob a good swift kick if you sense any

heaviness in his words!

And tell him to lighten the fuck up!

Cheers,

Bob

54

Nesting at Esther’s

Esther and Bob met a few months back.

She had taken the book to read while on vacation in Mexico and had invited him

to come and speak at her church on the subject of God (from the Logic of God

perspective), which he did.

She picked him and the luggage up the following Wednesday and on the way to

her apartment stopped by the Mustard Seed food bank to pick-up free groceries

for his stay.

After his first night with Neo thoughts came that perhaps he might sleep better

on the floor in the Sally Ann chapel.

The cat was roaming about the apartment all night long. He was going in and out

of his access door to the backyard, then meowing and purring in Bob’s face upon

entering, or munching on his food and scratching.

Bob taking some advice from Anke (see following e-mail), found that the secret

was not to allow the cat to lounge around and sleep all day.

Once he went outside in the morning Bob would block the entrance to the flap

door to keep him outdoors for a few hours.

This worked very well and Neo soon settled into a pattern of sleeping at night.

55

Encouragement from the Master Bob had to vacate Esther’s space for two nights each week, while her friend came to stay. He was able to leave the suitcase at her apartment and take only a few clothes and his laptop, so he decided to walk the 2 or 3 km. back to check in at the SA. Just as he crossed the Johnson Street Bridge the cloud of anger and doubt returned with a vengeance! And, even though he knew he would only be staying for two nights, there arose fierce resistance to return again to the chapel floor. He also knew he would have to wander around town until 9pm before he could check in. Again he just stopped in the middle of the bridge, dropped his two carry bags on the deck and got caught up in the mind’s game of poor me! Again, tears flowed and his heart ached! He felt compelled to write to Mooji and headed straight for the closest Starbucks to send an e-mail…

56

On Tue, Jul 20, 2010 at 6:56 pm, Robert Keegan wrote:

Subject: Please Help

Dear Mooji…

Where to begin?

Since January God has been removing all of the walking sticks and then

some!!!! First my business, then my fiancé, then my apartment, then my

money and on and on it goes.

On June 1st I found myself literally on the street here in Victoria BC, without

even a penny!

Contact with friends has all but evaporated. And although there have been a

few kind helping hands, I keep finding myself back on the street! Feels like

God is keeping other people from interacting with me at all.

I have read (many times) your book „Breath of the Absolute‟ and have

probably logged thousands of hours on Moojiji and You Tube video clips.

I cannot seem to do anything else…there is simply no interest! On Sunday I

watched and re-watched your live Skype cast from London…five hours or so.

I keep hearing you say that what is happening here is very auspicious and that

somehow it is unique and good.

Your „key question‟… “Can the seer be seen?” is constantly roaming around

in my consciousness.

So, why do I feel like a victim of Consciousness? There just doesn‟t seem to be

any real lasting peace and contentment here! In fact the opposite has been my

experience!

It feels like God is rubbing my nose in the gravel for no apparent reason!

There is an ache in my heart that just won‟t go away!

Please help!!!

57

To Bob’s amazement Mooji responded almost immediately!

From: tony moo-young (moojibaba@googlemail.com)

Sent: July 20, 2010 7:43:43 pm

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Re: Please Help

My dear Bob,

You say:

Your „key question‟… “Can the seer be seen?” is constantly roaming around in

my consciousness.

You must find out. The question triggers a research not a debate or merely an

effect. Experience the seeing which must be confirmed inside your heart

which makes the seeing that you are not what you think.

So, why do I feel like a victim of Consciousness?

Please identify the one who is feeling like a victim and what watches him.

Which is the greater; the victim or the witness of him?

Please research this question internally and write to me as soon as it is clear

what is your true position.

Big love

mooji x

58

Reflecting on ‘who’ has to lighten the f…up

During Bob’s three week stay at Esther’s nest – it actually felt more like a cave,

and it suited him just fine – even though it was sunny and warm outside, he spent

most days indoors marinating/contemplating and reflecting on this ‘I/me’ that

was needing to lighten up or that felt like a victim.

As Mooji said in the previous e-mail,

“Who is the greater…the one who feels like a victim, or the one that witnesses

him?”

The focus and emphasis on dwelling only as the Self was/is creating space for

more detached observation or passive witnessing of thoughts and reactions as

they flow through the mind.

The comings and goings of daily life just didn’t have any pull, so to speak, and the

only real connection he had was a daily bicycle trip downtown to have a coffee

with Dell.

Bob was inexplicably drawn to spend time with her for whatever reason. She had

an innocence and sweetness about her, underneath all her camouflage, her pretty

face beamed with love.

Every day he seemed to ‘have to’ track her down at one of her pan handling

spots. The thought even came that perhaps he was falling in love with her!

They would sit for hours at Starbucks. Bob would buy her coffee, listen to her

complain about the lousy tight fisted tourists, and set up his laptop for her. She

liked to watch YouTube clips of knitting techniques. Or, tune in to the live CNN

newscasts.

Del was quite a paradox indeed.

At times she would come out with the most profound and apropos things that

were just what Bob needed to hear.

She would quote from ACIM about non-attachment, all the while keeping an

eagle eye on her ‘stuff’ which was overflowing the Donkey.

59

Date: Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:29:26 -0700

Subject: MRI

To: robertkeegan@hotmail.com

Had MRI, saw surgeon, he wants to take off both breasts, looks pretty

advanced, almost half the left breast is diseased.

Right one has a bad spot, too, apparently. I can feel the pathology eating my

breasts and armpits, as weird as that sounds, esp if I get the least bit upset or

angry at people.

It feels hot and inflamed then, coming up in waves.

I am a bit ticked because I can't find the right remedy, so I'm studying, just

decided to take a dose of Raven - after all that studying of bird remedies I

suppose it just might be one of them....

Otherwise life is just dandy!

Cheerio,

Anke

60

Sent:

August 1, 2010 7:19:03 PM

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Hi Bobbyji,

I am feeling better - yesterday took a dose of X-Ray 200CH after realizing

that everything has been worse since the mammogram and the biopsy - x-rays

are notorious for causing inflammation and I'm sensitive even to the

computer.

Then I took some carcinosin (remedy made from breast cancer) as well and I

could feel the whole energy shifting, getting stronger and be all shiny

somehow, in minutes.

It is truly amazing how well those remedies work for me.

Take good care,

Anke

61

Leaving the Nest

The day after Esther came home we sat and got caught up on the events of the

past few weeks over lunch in the backyard, and somehow we got on the subject

of whether or not it would appeal to me to work at a retreat center.

As it turns out Esther had managed a retreat centre on Bowen Island for three

years prior to coming to Victoria.

I said I wasn’t really sure but perhaps it would work, and she gave me the contact

information.

We hugged and I thanked her again for her wonderful generousity!

The next day, I sent a short e-mail inquiry to Angelyn, the owner/founder and

after a couple of e-mails back and forth, it was arranged for me to come for a visit

the following Tuesday.

Neither Angelyn nor myself had any idea what I might do at the center, however,

it was obviously written into the script that I go, so I purchased a train ticket to

Nanaimo and was to take the ferry from there to Horseshoe Bay and then Bowen

Island.

I checked back in to the SA chapel for another five nights…

Del and I spent a lot of time together over the next four or five days and we really

became close, but not in a romantic or intimate way.

My last night at the chapel I helped her maneuver her Donkey several blocks

down to the Sally Ann, and although she didn’t say it, I think she wanted to sleep

outside the chapel to be near me on the last night.

She was up and waiting as I exited the SA around 6am and we pushed the Donkey

back up the hill to Starbucks…this thing is really heavy! We had breakfast, mostly

in silence, hugged goodbye in the rain…loving smiles and tears.

At 7am I was off to catch the train…

62

Xenia

Walking off the ferry at Bowen Island, Bob is warmly greeted by Angelyn. They

load up his stuff into her new SUV and he is whisked off to Xenia Retreat Centre, a

few kilometers away on the shores of Killarney Lake.

http://www.xeniacentre.com/New%20Files/About_Us.html

Enroute Angelyn asked whether he liked to be called Bob or Robert. To which he

responded… “You choose, I’m not attached to either one...Then Robert it is,”

replied Angelyn.

Angelyn gave Robert a tour of the premises and introduced him to some of the

people working on the property, as well as Billie the aging black Lab and Charlie

the 200 lb. pig/Zen master, who roams freely around the 38 acres of meadows

and forests of majestic pines and redwoods.

The spiritual centerpiece of the property is a magnificent eleven hundred year old

tree named OPA. People can feel its powerful energy radiating throughout the

property.

During the orientation walk, Angelyn shared her experiences with Ramesh

Balsekar and her moment of awakening with Pamela Wilson here at Xenia.

Eckhart Tolle and a close friend of the Dali Lama are among the well known beings

that have visited.

Robert was given the choice of several different accommodations and decided on

the Meadows cabin; a light, airy and cozy space below the main lodge and beside

the fenced meadow where Angelyn’s two beautiful horses play and graze.

As he unpacked and the thought came “this is the first time I have seen the

bottom of this suitcase in two and a half months!”…

63

The Doldrums set in

After a very restful night’s sleep Robert arose fairly late 7:30 or so, had a shower

and breakfast in the lodge…very quiet as he was the only one up as yet.

He took a cup of coffee, went back down to the cabin and sat enjoying the

morning sun coming through the meadow and the throaty call of the Ravens

saying good morning.

Although there wasn’t any specific intention as to what Robert might be doing at

the centre, there was an underlying feeling that he needed to get going and be of

service in some way to help defray the cost of his stay.

But, it was like inertia had set in again and the body did not want to move!

It was like the wind had been taken out of his sails, so to speak.

All he could do was sit on the couch and Be!

He wasn’t able to move for the entire day… eyes closed with sunglasses on.

Instead of meditation, he often used the expression of marinating in the Self.

Totally awake and aware of everything including the weight of the body, the

breath and the thoughts…the sound of a chainsaw next the cabin and the voices

of people and all the other sounds did not affect the peace he felt inside...

Nothing was happening to Him!

There had been a birthday celebration for Charlie the pig and his owner Doug had

brought chocolate cake for everyone…

64

Homeless millionaires meet

As darkness fell, Robert’s energy returned and he finally got up and walked up to

the main lodge where a group of young people called Wwoofers (willing workers

on organic farms), in their 20’s, three female and a male were preparing dinner.

Sitting in the dining room enjoying a piece of birthday cake and tea, he overheard

a booming voice calling his name. It was Doug, Charlie’s owner. He came over

introduced himself and they sat down to talk about the book (L of G) which had

been left on the coffee table in the morning. He really liked what he had read and

wanted to read the whole book.

It turns out that like Robert, Doug at one time had a healthy seven figure bank

account. He was president of a Nevada mining company. And he like Robert was

now homeless.

Robert listened as Doug recounted his ‘story’ and how he was drawn to native

traditions and spirituality. It seems he is able to communicate with Charlie as well

as many other animals including a Grizzly bear that he and Charlie spent several

days with near Squamish.

He told tales of shape shifting tribal women and of his friend who lived in the

woods on Bowen. His friend was just released from jail on parole for attempted

murder and although a bit quirky, Doug claims he has a very high level of

awareness and also owns the complete collection of Shakespeare’s works.

Another friend was in the sex trade and he was quite active in a support group for

her and her co-workers.

After Doug left to bed down with Charlie, the young folks got out their guitars and

started singing in the candlelit dining room.

And you guessed it they sang Leonard’s song “Halleluiah”!

Thank you God…thank you Charlie!

65

The Rime of the Ancient Mariner The fair breeze blew, the white foam flew, The furrow followed free: We were the first that ever burst Into that silent sea. Down dropt the breeze, the sails dropt down, Twas sad as sad could be; And we did speak only to break The silence of the sea! All in a hot and copper sky, The bloody Sun, at noon, Right up above the mast did stand, No bigger than the Moon. Day after day, day after day, We stuck, nor breath nor motion; As idle as a painted ship Upon a painted ocean.

“Sounds like the feeling of being in limbo or the doldrums, no?”

66

Tuning fork for the Heart

Sitting on the cabin deck, the body soaking up the early morning sun.

A balmy southern breeze meanders through the majestic fir trees, their swaying

bows bidding good morning, then down through the grass, mown short by the

horses and of course Charlie.

A lone wind chime rejoices!

Its echo reverberates through the cathedral-like space of the meadow and lingers

like a tuning fork.

There is remembrance of the other night…when the young singers were tuning

their guitars so that they were in sync with each other.

Being still…the feeling is that the heart is being re-tuned to be in sync with the

Heart…

Thank you, thank you, thank You!

67

Date: Fri, 13 Aug 2010 22:46:12 -0700

Subject: Plastic surgeon

To: robertkeegan@hotmail.com

Plastic surgeon was okay, looks like a sweet, sensitive guy with artist's hands.

I felt comfortable with him. He said we'll need to use implants if I want

reconstruction; I'm not fat enough to use my own tissue to make new boobies

for me, lol!

Then he brought out a photo album - I jokingly asked if he was going to show

me the family album and he didn't even hear the comment - to show me what

reconstruction would look like. Luckily I had already seen a lot of pics on the

internet or I would not have been impressed.

But none of those docs look really alive - they all remind me of robots, my

MD, the general surgeon, now the plastic surgeon, they all seem the same

somehow - and none of them joke or smile or seem enthusiastic about their

work. And all the examining room are the same - small, windowless, generic

cubicles without any hint of charm or personality.

Afterwards I went to buy a big armload of supplements - and I felt so happy

looking at all the remedies at the pharmacy - it's such a joy to have all those

products. Very uplifting after dealing with another robot doctor who thinks

I'll die if I don't have surgery and possibly chemo and radiation.

Then later today I went into Mystic Vale to look for the special wood

mushrooms which are part of the Native American tea I'm drinking. It was

wonderful. Once I found one I started to see them everywhere. Tomorrow I'll

go back with a small knife to pry them off the logs and trees.

Honestly, I feel great. Very happy and free. Consciousness is having fun.

Hugs,

Anke

68

Chop wood…. But no Wood Chopper

Robert’s first work assignment was to the wood shed and a pile of logs that had

been culled from the forest.

He smiles as he remembers the famous Zen Master’s saying…

“Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water…after enlightenment, chop

wood and carry water.”

Contemplating this saying, as he drove the axe through innumerable logs, it really

didn’t quite make sense to him. The thought kept coming to remind him that he

was already That, and that there really isn’t any ‘one’ who becomes enlightened.

The insight came that perhaps he had been waiting for the ‘event’ called

enlightenment to happen instead of just keeping quiet and allowing.

Waiting creates an underlying unease, probably caused by an expectation;

whereas allowing requires no effort…

This reminder brought about a more relaxed and focused wielding of the axe and

the logs splitting and the motion of the axe seemed like one effortless movement.

Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say:

“Chop wood but don’t be a Wood Chopper!”

In other words to not identify as being this ‘person’ who appears to be wielding

the axe; but instead identify as the Consciousness expressing itself as a wood

chopper!

69

Stinging Nettle Soul

Buddhist’s use the term ‘mindfulness’, to describe a way of moving and being in

the world.

It is a reminder to be present during all activities, work, play, cooking etc.

Bob’s assigned task for today was clearing a bush of Stinging Nettles.

Even with protective gloves and clothing, handling this plant demands that one be

present. If there is a lapse into the flow of mind chatter, a stinging rash might be

the consequence!

Kind of works like a Zen stick from Mother Nature.

Memories of Anke making Stinging Nettle soup came to mind…only for a split

second; but just long enough for one of the branches to graze his ear…ouch!

70

Frogs Trail vs. Mystic Vale

The past two days have been occupied by clearing debris from Frogs Trail.

At first it was hard to bring myself to cut the beautiful green ferns that have

encroached the walking path. But I just kept thinking I was giving them a haircut

and that they would grow back quickly.

The trail reminds me a lot of Mystic Vale near UVIC, except the trees appear much

bigger and taller here. There are an enormous number of ferns and moss covered

logs. And the silence is almost deafening, if you will, as there is seldom anybody

using the path and there is no traffic on the road nearby.

And there are plenty of little brownish-green frogs hopping about. Although there

isn’t any water around, save for the dried up creek bed. Maybe they are a dry land

variety.

One thing is sure the big grey owl that comes to visit will not go hungry!

71

Phantom Power

This morning the power went out while at the computer answering e-mails, so I

am writing this with battery or phantom power.

What a beautiful sound nothing makes eh?

As I walked back to my cabin, I hear the wind high up in the tree tops – sounds

like the roar of the ocean – while here in the valley it is quite calm and peaceful.

Something like the still place within that is untouched by the thought stream or

outside noise!

A chapter from “Breath of the Absolute” came to mind…

‘Power cut to the mind’

“The mind is not sentient, it runs on phantom power; it cannot survive unless You

give it power through your attention and interest or belief …”

“You ask what to do to be one with the Truth? I tell you the best thing to do: Take

a shortcut! Forget about it! Cut the power to the mind! Lights out!

This advice ‘Forget about it!’ seems totally irresponsible, even naïve, over

simplistic, but it works every time.

Forget about it! Throw everything out!

And still you are here, totally here, empty, without strategies.

Be strategy-less and empty of intention.

Like this, all things happen beautifully!

Life – the way you know it – teaches you to walk with crutches and yet you’re

perfectly healthy.

Throw away your crutches and dance!”

– Mooji

72

Lessons from the wood pile

At the end of another day in the wood pile, turning to have a look at the neatly

stacked pieces of split wood, the thought comes…

“Gees, I wonder if that is $150 worth. Not sure how much they charge for a face

cord nowadays.”

“Is the work really about value and productivity…or is it deeper than that?”

Power vs. Force

When everything is at One… Robert, the axe, the wood and Awareness, the blade

slices effortlessly through each log. But, as soon as a thought starts to creep in

and ‘I’ try to control either the momentum or placement of the blow, inevitably

the axe jambs part way into the wood and then requires a lot of force using a

sledge to drive the axe all the way through.

Outwardly this activity might appear to be somewhat violent and forceful; but it is

really a peaceful dance with the axe.

It is so nice to be able to take a break, put down the axe and sit on the cabin deck,

only about ten meters away and jot down some of these insights!

Observing the roots of fallen trees the realization came that my attention must

have had deep roots in the mind and thought activity.

And, that these roots are now in sandy loose soil.

The tree is about to fall in the forest of the mind…but there is no one there to

hear it!

73

She had him by the ….

This picture illustrates the way Robert used to feel sometimes; sort of helpless

and powerless when in the aura of a female love interest, and perhaps this is the

way the Play really works!

Or, at least in its superficial aspect and the parts played by lovers, however, the

understanding is that there is not two. Not one giving pleasure and one receiving

pleasure. It is all one movement… Consciousness is playing with Itself!

And the following poem ‘The Hermit’, by Gibran, illustrates this beautifully, no?

74

The hermit, who visited the city once a year, came forth and said, “Speak to us of Pleasure.” And he answered, saying: “Pleasure is a freedom-song, but it is not freedom. It is the blossoming of your desires, but is not their fruit. It is a depth calling unto a height, but it is not the deep or the high. It is the caged taking wing, but it is not space encompassed. Ay, in very truth, pleasure is a freedom-song. And I fain would have you sing it with fullness of heart; yet I would not have you lose your hearts in the singing. Some of your youth seek pleasure as if it were all, and they are judged and rebuked. I would not judge nor rebuke them. I would have them seek. For they shall find pleasure, but not her alone: Seven are her sisters, and the least of them is more beautiful than pleasure. Have you not heard of the man who was digging in the earth for roots and found a treasure? And some of your elders remember pleasures with regret like wrongs committed in drunkenness. But regret is the beclouding of the mind and not its chastisement. They should remember their pleasures with gratitude, as they would the harvest of a summer. Yet if it comforts them to regret, let them be comforted. And there are among you those who are neither young to seek nor old to remember: And in their fear of seeking and remembering they shun all pleasures, lest they neglect the spirit or offend against it. But even in their foregoing is their pleasure. And thus they too find a treasure though they dig for roots with quivering hands. But tell me, who is he that can offend the spirit? Shall the nightingale offend the stillness of the night, or the firefly the stars? And shall your flame or your smoke burden the wind? Think you the spirit is a still pool which you can trouble with a staff? And now you ask in your heart, "How shall we distinguish that which is good in pleasure from that which is not good?" Go to your fields and your gardens, and you shall learn that it is the pleasure of the bee to gather honey of the flower, but it is also the pleasure of the flower to yield its honey to the bee. For to the bee a flower is a fountain of life, And to the flower a bee is a messenger of love, And to both, bee and flower, the giving and receiving of pleasure is a need and an ecstasy. People of Orphalese, be in your pleasures like the flowers and the bees.

75

Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2010 22:16:25 -0700

To: robertkeegan@hotmail.com

Hi again,

The fellow I met last night told me a lot about his life, he was imprisoned

unjustly for years etc. Then he emailed me today to see if I'd like to meet him

again and I emailed him back that I have cancer and am seeing someone who

went to the States for the past three weeks and has only called me once, one

the second day there, since.

Anyhow, this is his reply; it was so heartfelt and uplifting I thought I'd share

it. Plus a silly joke.

Isn‟t' it funny how we meet people, he was on his bike at the beach, Kylie

wanted to see him and I noticed he had a badly injured ankle and just had to

ask him about it. Next thing we had this great, deep conversation.

Cheers,

Anke

76

----- Original Message -----

From: Wes the fellow on the beach

Date: Tuesday, August 17, 2010 6:23 pm

To: Anke

Hi again!

Just me with nothing but time. As for your relationship, well he‟s lucky

because I thought you looked great.

As for the cancer, well if it doesn‟t kill you it will make you stronger.

I quit mourning dead people a long time ago, instead I just party

on with them.

My mom had cancer and she died when I was 13 so I understand a little.

She did have a breast removed and a silicone falsey made up.

Some guy was sitting beside her and playing with her boob and when she

noticed she took it out and threw it on his lap and said now you can play with

it!

And yes I can be serious, so if you want to talk, we can talk. But the way to

know if your mission in this life is finished, well if you‟re alive it isn‟t!

Keep on keeping on.

Wes

77

Oracles are everywhere

From: robertkeegan@hotmail.com

To: Anke

Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2010 07:37:51 -0700

Good Morning A...

Yes isn't it interesting who is brought into this life to guide us back to where

we never left!

Wes sounds like Del in a way.

More like the Oracle in disguise...wouldn't you say?

Love

B

xo

78

Just received this… From: Anke

Sent: August 18, 2010 7:58:38 PM

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Murder.

Mike just broke up with me via email.

Wimp.

He's been in the States for three weeks and only called me once just after

he left.

A

79

Robert the Wimp

A light drizzle is falling as I walk up to the lodge for breakfast and to check e-mails.

The thought comes, “Hmmm…perhaps there is some work assignments to be done

indoors today, where it is warm and dry.”

”Oh, don’t be such wimp! It’s not that bad really.”

So, I took that as a hint from God and got up and headed out to the wood pile.

Now, all that was left were the really big logs in a separate pile, I was secretly

hoping that Dale might bring in a gas-powered log splitter to use on them.

As I approached the pile and lifted one of the heavyweights onto the chopping

block; a sudden surge of courage arose and perhaps a little bravado to stop acting

like a wimp!

I circled the first log like a Samari warrior sizing up his opponents strength.

I was actually about to do battle with the ego!

One ‘thoughtless’ blow later and the log fell into two big pieces as if surrendering

to the power of the Self.

All the rest of the cunning enemy soldiers followed suit, one by one, until only

Robert remained, victorious and full of joy!

However, the insight that came is that this joy, albeit exhilarating, is still on the

level of form and the illusion of a separate ‘me’ with an ego.

And, that even though I had won this battle, the only way to win the war is to

surrender, just like the log, and allow the power of Grace to take control…

80

Galloping to Freedom

Standing admiring the empty space where all the big logs had been Robert hears

and feels the sound of hoofs hitting the ground. Turning, he sees Angelyn and one

of the hired hands leading the two horses to the fenced coral of the open

meadow.

As she releases their harnesses, they both take off at full gallop; the bigger white

male trying to keep up with the chestnut beauty who seems more like a racehorse

and is much faster!

It is great to watch them play and tease each other as they make their way

around the meadow; they seem to be wearing off a lot of pent-up energy after

being in the barn for a day or two.

Their exuberance for this freedom is very much felt in Robert’s heart.

He too appears to have a lot of pent-up energy to be free of the coral of his mind

and its chatter…

81

Like being on mushrooms

Of late whenever I glance in a mirror, for a split second, I wonder who it is that is

looking back at me!

Memories come of celebrating my birthday and a friend and I drank a potent tea

made from magic mushrooms.

I became extremely talkative and every time I looked in the mirror I would ask out

loud, “Who the hell is that?!” followed by “Oh, who cares?!” and wild

uncontrolled laughter would ensue!

This went on for hours and the stomach muscles became sore from so much

hysterical laughter. I can remember sitting on the bed and looking at each other’s

bodies, especially the hands. We seemed transparent and almost like looking with

x-ray vision; you could see clear through and all the bones and veins.

The insight for me now is, that while under the influence of these hallucinogenic

fungi it became hilarious that I had been thinking of myself as that which is staring

back at me in the mirror.

After contemplating this, perhaps this was pure intuitive seeing of what is Real…

82

So…you think you know how to operate a chainsaw eh wimp?!

Robert spent most of his adult working life in the equipment rental business and

although he was in sales and management, he had been exposed to and operated

a wide variety of tools and machinery including chainsaws.

Today, after waiting for Dale to show up and saw up more tree limbs into logs so

that he could continue splitting them, he decided to go ahead and give the

chainsaw a try.

Carefully suiting up in protective boots, gloves, hard hat, face shield and hearing

protectors; he refueled the saw and gave a few tugs on the starter rope. Vroom,

vroom, vroom…he was in business!

He positioned one of the smaller limbs on a wooden cradle and proceeded to

make cuts every foot or so. Plop, plop, plop as each piece hit the ground.

About ten minutes later, Dale shows up with a brand new saw and is surprised

that Bob was able to even get the old one started as it had been giving problems.

Dale climbed up on top of the pile of limbs wearing open toed sandals, no goggles

or earplugs, not even gloves. He began dissecting the tree limbs like a skilled

surgeon and within half an hour had cut enough wood to keep Robert busy for

days!

He was impressed…and the word wimp again arose in his mind.

Then just like the mushroom story, almost instantly the next thought was…

“Who is it that cares?”

After scanning inwardly there wasn’t any person named Robert or Bob to be

found!

Just the shadow of a ghost that keeps hiding and vanishes when looked for.

And speaking of surgery…

83

Sent: August 19, 2010 3:08:20 PM

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Hi Bobbyji,

Ugh, I have a surgery date for September 16... a month from now.

Not sure if that is too late or too soon...

Cheers,

Anke

84

Face to face with my own Self

This morning after brushing my teeth, again I glanced up in the mirror and

instantly recognized that it wasn’t Robert looking back, it was Me.

Actually it seemed more like 3 D as I could see the eyeglasses and the hand

holding the tooth brush as well as the wall and mirror and the reflection of the

body; but the one looking through those glasses did not tally up with the eyes of

the image.

Here is another excerpt from “Breath of the Absolute” that I found compelling…

“The human body is a great privilege for it allows us to ask these questions. No

other species has the capacity to enquire, but you have, and to find out with

certitude.

Out of your dissatisfaction you long for lasting satisfaction. Discover what will and

does not leave you. Everything else will leave you.

With the gift of this body, you have a great opportunity to discover the Truth of

your Existence, but you waste it if all your pursuits are merely regarding the body

and fulfillment of the mind’s desires!

Yes, so much work we do for bodily enjoyment. But the very body you require to

enjoy, you cannot keep. Therefore, everything that you slave over in order to have

a taste for five minutes, ten minutes, is washing away. What is it that cannot be

washed away?

Ultimately, in the final seeing you recognize that whatever is perceivable is

changeful, it appears in front of you and cannot be held with unbroken attention;

it comes and goes. But that which observes this is what?

This is not merely a mental question, so no flippant answers will do. Only those

responses that arise out of pure insight will carry that lasting satisfaction.

You are face to face with your own Self. You are face to face with your own Self.

What do you look like?”

85

Archangel meets Street Angel Michael informed me that he was working at a construction site in downtown Victoria, so I asked if he would mind saying hello to Del for me. He found her at her ‘usual’ spot and handed her his Blackberry to send Bob a message… From: Michael Tucker (michaeltucker@live.ca)

Sent: August 20, 2010 4:16:29 PM

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Hi Bob

this is Del.

I was thinking of you the moment the very moment of Michael walking

toward me.

The world is in sync this afternoon really in shock.

He reports you are well and settled.

Starbucks hasn't been the same without ya.

Please respond and verify.

Cheers b from d.

P. S. Thomas was lookin for ya.

Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

“Thomas is her pet seagull, who is constantly pecking holes in the bags on her donkey when she isn’t looking, searching for scraps of food that she saves for him…onetime puncturing a can of ginger ale that she had stashed away.”

86

“Oh deer Me…”

“Mind is a wondrous power residing in the Self” – Ramana Maharshi

Today I was taking a rest from the axe, sitting quietly with the feet up, and along

comes a mother deer with her young calf in tow; they pass by almost within arm’s

reach… and immediately the mind flashed back to a year or so ago.

My sweetie returned home after dark from a trip down the Malahat Highway; and

seeing the car headlights pull in, I opened the door to greet her. She had a wide-

eyed look on her face as if, as they say, she had just swallowed the canary.

“You’ll never guess what I have in the trunk!” she said with a wry smile; but

intuitively I knew it was a deer…she had talked about seeing a dead one beside

the highway on her last trip, and had eluded to the fact that we were low on

grocery money and she almost stopped to pick it up.

She opened the trunk and voila, there it was…a full grown female; and it was still

warm!

I remember looking around to see if we were being watched as we wrapped the

corps in a plastic tarp and carried it to the back yard. It felt like we were doing

something devious or perhaps illegal, but it was also quite funny somehow.

I helped string it up by the hind legs to the bottom of an overhanging deck, and

placed one of those kid’s plastic wading pools underneath.

She then went to work… gutting, skinning and butchering the carcass; she was in

her glory! She said it brought back memories of dissecting various critters in

school. We had enough venison to last for months.

Ah…the wondrous power of the mind to produce this instant replay.

However, it doesn’t hold a candle to Me, after all, I am the one the mind reports

to, no?

87

Hmmm…

Anke has basically stopped any communicating with Robert, and he has the sense

of what may have contributed to this…but he may be wrong.

She may have been offended or otherwise put off, so to speak, by his use of the

word ‘wimp’ that was triggered by her last message regarding her new flame

Mike who had just dumped her via e-mail.

Or, she may have hacked into Bob’s e-mail (she knows the password) and

discovered something she wasn’t prepared for or didn’t like.

Or perhaps she is just not feeling well.

Or maybe none of the above …we shall see!

He opted to believe the first scenario (now there is an interesting word…no?).

So, he sent her the following message and mailed a card as well.

Oh…wait a minute, a reply just arrived.

Yep…Bob was right!

It was the ‘wimp’ reference.

But she did forgive him, lol.

88

From: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Sent: August 22, 2010 7:56:12 AM

To: Anke

„Hind‟sight is a good word; it is always 20/20 and reveals how one makes an

ass out of oneself!

When Bob was growing up, he was more sensitive than a lot of the other boys

and wouldn‟t fight or carry on with a lot of the macho stuff that boys do when

they are trying to be accepted into the group.

On several occasions fights would ensue or at least they tried to pick a fight

with him and when he either declined or walked away, he was called wimp, or

something similar like sissy.

He did develop a bit of a complex over this issue and made up for it by putting

up a false shield so to speak, and giving off the vibe that he was a tough guy…

the Keeg, remember from L of G? He was the Fonz and no one messed with

him!

Of course this is no excuse for being so insensitive to A, and not looking at it

from her point of view, so to speak, especially in these challenging times.

Just another example of Robert‟s self-centeredness coming to the fore, I guess.

Anyway, I only hope that you can forgive this character and see that he did

not have any malice in mind, just stupidity and ignorance!

Love always,

B

89

In Denial

One day ‘out of the blue, one of the Xenia residents and I had a lovely

spontaneous satsang on the back deck of the lodge.

She told me that after reading the book ‘L of G’, that she felt strongly about

having responsibility and that she felt I was in ‘denial’.

I’m not sure exactly what I said, but something to the effect that I only saw her

and myself as perfect…and that I do not see anyone who needs healing or fixing,

and other words to that effect.

When the meeting was over we hugged and went about our chores.

Later after contemplating the word denial, and watching a purple dragon fly

perform for me, the insight came that YES indeed, by all means, I had been in

denial for many years!

I had been denying the truth of who and what I Am!

But Grace is now taking care of this…

90

The Labyrinth

That night, this same person, said she was thinking of going out to walk the

Labyrinth as it was a full moon tonight and Robert asked if he could join her…

As we approached the entrance she explained that for her it was all about setting

an intention before she entered the sacred space of the labyrinth.

The thought came that as my mantra has been to be empty of intention or

strategies, I would simply be open to whatever the space or God had in mind for

me.

As I got deeper into the path the mind relaxed its focus on the next step and the

feet moved effortlessly through the maze of rocks.

I cannot say that I ‘felt’ anything in particular upon reaching the centre or heart of

the labyrinth other than being very, very empty and peaceful.

And upon exiting the space the feeling was like coming out of the womb.

Here is a link that describes the Xenia Labyrinth in more detail…

http://www.xeniacentre.com/New%20Files/Sacred_Space.html

91

Response Ability

The chapter titled, ‘In Denial’, seems to have triggered a reaction from another

friend around the word responsibility.

To me the attraction of Advaita and the main difference when compared with

many other paths is the absence of any spiritual practice or responsibility.

Most paths start with the assumption (there’s that word again) that I am my

mind, I am bound, and I have to do something or take a journey to be free.

That somehow I am responsible for my actions and need to be forgiven or saved.

Advaita is not a teaching…or a path for that matter.

A teaching requires someone who will study and learn.

And, a path denotes some kind of steps to take.

Advaita goes straight in and asks…

“Who is it that is going to learn? Can you learn to be you?”

Advaita does not focus on interpreting any particular action or movement. Little

attention is given to this play. Emotions and feelings are given room to express, to

exhaust their expression, and return to peace again inside the Being.

The conditioning and vain projections of the mind are allowed to play out without

identification as ‘my’ projections.

Without the need to control or take responsibility for these movements in

Consciousness, I am truly available or response able to my own Self.

Which of course is the One and only Self expressing Itself through all the beings.

The end result is that peace, love and compassion for one’s self is naturally

extended to all the beings, as it is intuitively felt that there are no ‘others’.

92

All men are pigs…

The day started out with giggles and laughter right from the get go. E-mails about

Jim Carey and his movies “Yes Man” and “Liar, Liar”… then watching ‘Laughing

Buddhas 2’ on Mooji Tube. So, the stage was set for more mirth and merriment.

Later, looking up from my position deep in the wood pile, I notice an image of a

slow moving animal meandering through the meadow. The thought comes, “ah

ha there’s…” but I couldn’t recall the pig’s name.

Continuing to wield the axe, the mind is busy Googling all the associations with

the word ‘pig’. The next thought is, “Charlie from Two and a Half Men!”…and I

laughed and laughed. Could the mind have associated the word ‘pig’ with the

character played by Charlie Sheen in the TV Series?

For those folks mature enough perhaps you remember the word pig being used

disparagingly by young women to describe young adolescent men who ‘played

the field’ and spread their affection around, so to speak, not being attached to

any one female.

The saying that ‘all men are pigs’, is usually used by a female who has just found

out that her flame has been, shall we say, occupied elsewhere.

Anyway, I am digressing from the point about the mind and how it brings up all

kinds of unassociated thoughts; usually, randomly in no particular order, and

usually triggering by memory of some past ‘thing’ that I had forgotten a long time

ago.

This piece from friend George Carlin seems apropos…

93

”I Can’t Recall”

One recent morning there is something I couldn’t remember. I sort of knew what

it was related to, but I couldn’t quite bring it to mind. It seemed like the letter ‘m’

was involved. Then, suddenly, it came to me. That was this morning. Then, later

that afternoon, even though I was able to recall my experience that morning of

not being able to remember something, I could no longer remember what the

thing was, what it was related to, or what letter of the alphabet had been

involved. But what’s strange to me is that that morning, the ‘first time’ I couldn’t

remember it, the thing did eventually come back to me. Later that afternoon,

however, in spite of my earlier success, I drew a complete blank. I still don’t know

what it was, and the nice thing is that a month from now I will have no memory of

the incident whatsoever. Unless of course something reminds me of it.

Excerpt from “Brain Droppings” – George Carlin

94

Stinking Thinking

This morning, Charlotte sent a beautiful reminder…

She asked, “Are you able to receive?”

I contemplated this question as I went about the day’s activities and it triggered

the reminder to ‘be available’.

To me this means to be available for Grace to do Its work of cleansing the psychic

system of old debris and concepts that are not in service to the truth.

The guidance has been to keep the track clear, so to speak, by keeping the

attention focused on the source of attention and just be aware of the mind

without getting involved and following its useless and repetitive thoughts,

memories and projections.

For the most part this old habit has been steadily falling away, but there is a

tendency to fall back into ‘stinking thinking’.

So thank you Pilgrim!

95

Snakes and Ladders

Walking to the workshop this morning I suddenly come across a good sized snake

lounging in the sun beside the path. My body freezes and a familiar shiver runs up

the spine. I stood there for some time and watched both the creature and the

reaction in the mind; the question arose, “whose fear is this?”

Now, I know it cannot be the body’s fear per se, as the body is inert matter and is

neutral. But I also sense that it cannot be the mind either as this reaction happens

instantly before any thoughts can even formulate.

It is a familiar response that sometimes occurs when encountering certain dogs

especially Dobermans or Pit Bulls. Instantly a shiver runs up the spine like a high

voltage charge and goose bumps may appear. It usually only lasts for a few

seconds.

I have been chalking it up to a survival instinct that has been buried deep in the

psyche. Maybe from some past life…who knows?

The mind then began analyzing this fear and commenting that this is something

that should not happen and I really must face and somehow overcome…but I’m

not convinced.

What seems to make more sense to me is to just watch the reaction without

getting involved or trying to transcend or ‘do’ anything about it. Or, better yet,

just like thoughts that want my attention; just ignore them.

The fear may or may not come back again, but either way I am not affected in my

core Being!

I also am aware that there are no poisonous snakes here on the island.

Never the less, I felt no guilt taking a detour so as not to come too close to him

and took a stick with me on the way back down the path; rather laughable, no?

96

Playing Hard to Get

The lyrics from LC’s song “I’m Your Man” came to mind after the insight to write

this piece to end this ghost story…

Ah but a man never got a woman back

Not by begging on his knees

Or Id crawl to you baby

And Id fall at your feet

And Id howl at your beauty

Like a dog in heat

And Id claw at your heart

And Id tear at your sheet

I’d say please, please

I’m your man

Tonight, I am watching Mooji’s live Satsang from Sweden. He is soothing the

nerves of an ardent seeker who had had a number of awakening experiences; but

then the mind returned and seemed to eclipsed this bliss and he felt frustrated.

I really resonated with this!

Mooji’s advice was to first of all forget about all of these past experiences and

secondly to forget about wanting anything including Awakening.

To just relax and let It come and find you!

The insight was that…YES, there isn’t anything more attractive than a woman or

man who doesn’t want or need anything or anyone; she/he is always being

pursued and considered very appealing and sexy somehow.

Nobody wants to be in relationship with someone who is needy or clinging, right!

So, from now on Robert is going to play ‘hard to get’ with the Consciousness.

After all It really does need me more than I need It; because without me it cannot

experience itself.

So God, it’s now your turn to get on your knees and beg me to take you back!

Hallelujah… It’s closing time!!!

97

“Closing Time”

Ah we're lonely, we're romantic

and the cider's laced with acid

and the Holy Spirit's crying, "Where's the beef?"

And the moon is swimming naked

and the summer night is fragrant

with a mighty expectation of relief

So we struggle and we stagger

down the snakes and up the ladder

to the tower where the blessed hours chime

and I swear it happened just like this:

a sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss

the Gates of Love they budged an inch

I can't say much has happened since

but CLOSING TIME

Yeah we're drinking and we're dancing

but there's nothing really happening

and the place is dead as Heaven on a Saturday night

And my very close companion

gets me fumbling gets me laughing

she's a hundred but she's wearing

something tight

and I lift my glass to the Awful Truth

which you can't reveal to the Ears of Youth

except to say it isn't worth a dime

And the whole damn place goes crazy twice

and it's once for the devil and once for Christ

but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights

we're busted in the blinding lights,

busted in the blinding lights of CLOSING TIME

The whole damn place goes crazy twice

and it's once for the devil and once for Christ

but the Boss don't like these dizzy heights

we're busted in the blinding lights,

busted in the blinding lights

of CLOSING TIME

98

But Seriously Folks…

On this bright late August Sunday morning, sitting on the deck watching the

leaves float gently to the ground and the squirrel gathering pine cones…

something deep inside is truly grateful for the privilege of having gone through

these past few months.

There is a deep intuitive feeling that I am being used to demonstrate to ‘others’

that life is really and truly not out to get me, but only to get rid of that which I am

not.

I am deeply touched and honoured by this; not for ‘me’ per se, but knowing that

it may be helpful to everybody.

Perhaps the writing of these 100 pages seemed a bit scattered and confusing at

times, for the reader; sometimes it is written in the third person, at other times in

the first person singular, and sometimes a mixture.

However, if one takes a subtle step back and looks from the perspective of one’s

Being or Consciousness; perhaps it will be seen that all is the Self.

It’s not personal or impersonal!

Robert, Bob, the Ghost writer are all aspects of Me, the Awareness which is the

unmoving Stage on which this Cosmic play is written produced and performed.

Whether or not this story gets published in book form is really of no concern.

All is well!

Namaste Peace and Big Love

Robert

99

Re: Surgery

To Robert Keegan

From: ANKE Sent: August 31, 2010 1:19:48 AM

To: Robert Keegan (robertkeegan@hotmail.com)

Hi Bobby,

By the way I decided to go ahead with the mastectomies today.

Date is the 16th.

Can you still come and stay with me for a few days, take me to the hospital etc?

You'll stay at our place of course; I don't know how long, would guess at least a

week...

Not real thrilled about that surgery but I feel it is necessary.

The surgeon is great, he almost cried today when he thought I would not do it,

worried I'll die. Sweet guy, that did it.

Love,

Anke

100

Wow, that is quite a story Robert! I am thinking it is the best writing I have read for some time. In fact when the end came, I was wanting more. What this made me think was that you should use this kind of writing to publish. Your research of your own life is more interesting reading when it has the overlay of the challenges of the care and feeding of the body together with the spiritual observations. It would make an awesome manuscript. Something you might want to consider.

– Sarah.

Hi Bob,

Just finished reading your second book and have come to the following

conclusions.

1) You're really fucked up, and...2) You need to learn how to use a spellchecker

But seriously, folks...

Roger thinks you've been on an amazing journey. This person, Roger also thinks

it's remarkable how you're open to new experiences and thoughts. Roger is also

very impressed with your honest and ruthless introspection. Roger especially likes

it when the person called Bob or Robert makes him laugh. That happened a lot

when he was reading what that Man Robert described.

Loved reading every word, Bob...so thank you again for sharing.

Hi Sweetie, Of course what are saying about the 'story' and the mind etc is true. Yes, it sums it up. At the same time, I find it inspiring that you did what you did and I think others might as well. I don't see anything wrong with a little inspiration.

I think this is even better than LOG, Love,

A