A Child’s View of Divorcing Parents

Neal A. Kuyper*

“I want my Mommy and Daddy back to- gether.” This is the cry of nine-year-old Jennifer as the tears move slowly from the wetting of the eyes to sobs. “I hate the woman Daddy is see- ing. I want Mom and Dad back together!” So all the emotions, hidden, pressed down, now sur- face as the reality of the divorce of her parents becomes real to Jennifer.

School work, her friends, her attractive room-all seem secondary to her one goal: how can she reunite her parents? Her fantasy and dream life run rampant as she envisions killing the woman who is now stealing her father. While she knows the parental quarrels, her focus of hostility is placed on the woman who spends weekends with her father. The safe world is be- ginning to crumble. While her mother and older brother are present in the home, she sees her- self as the only rescuer of the faltering marriage.

When Jennifer’s father was at home he spent full days and evenings at work, and she would awaken as his car drove into the driveway. At that moment, she could roll over and go back to sleep. She loved to be awakened and hear the razor singing away as her father had his early morning shave. She would hear the low rumbly tones of the discussion of the parents, never realizing the tension, the quarreling might lead to the breaking up of her security-her home.

Jennifer felt safe with her mother for each evening as she returned from school, mother was there to greet her. They would talk about school. She would tell mother of her friends. When Jennifer questioned about her father, Jennifer’s mother would always make excuses-he is very busy. This Jennifer ac- cepted as long as he came home and they had some fun on weekends.

Then that terrible evening arrived when she heard the troubled voices of her parents. She

*Neal A. Kuyper, D.D. is Director of the Presbyterian Coun- seling Service, 564 N.E. Ravenna Boulevard, Seattle, Washington 981 15. The counseling staff is interdisciplin- ary and offers services regarding marriage and divorce.

knew there was anger. She crept into the hall- way to listen. Mother was screaming something about “the other woman.” . . . “you do not care.” . . . “you hate me.” . . . and Daddy would come back with angered words, swear words that she knew were wrong but she listened, and then when Mother yelled, “Get out! Pack your clothes and get out!,” she heard Daddy go to the bed- room and it was quiet. After a time she heard the door slam, mother crying. The car left and then it was all quiet. Jennifer crept back into the bed and cried and then prayed, “Oh God, Oh God, bring Daddy back with his clothes, his car, with himself for all three of us.” That night as she feel asleep exhausted, she wet the bed for the first time in five years.

The next morning she did not hear the singing of the electric razor. The house was still. She heard Mom down in the kitchen but the house was too quiet. As she found her way down the stairs, she asked in supposed innocence, “Where is Daddy?” Then amid some more tears, mother said, “Jennifer, your Mom and Dad are going to live apart for a time. Daddy will see you on Saturdays.” No more, no explanation, no hug. That day in school Jennifer just sat and stared. Even the teacher noticed it but little was said. Jennifer was thinking to herself-she would find a way to get Daddy back.

That evening as she lay in bed she thought of getting sick, then mother would call Daddy and say, “Jennifer is sick, come home.” She thought of letting a car hit her on the way home. Then the policeman would pick her up, take her to the emergency room in the hospital. Mom and Daddy would both come to the hospital. They would look at her and then be sorry and maybe cry together. Maybe they would hold hands like they used to do; maybe they would take her home together. Too many “maybes.”

Saturday morning came at last. It was really different to have her Dad drive up in the car, come to the door and ask for Jennifer. This was his home. He belonged here. Mom and Dad said little and Jennifer rode in the car quietly to go to

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CONCILIATION COURTS REVIEWNOLUME 22, NUMBER 2lDECEMBER 1984

Daddy’s apartment. “It was fun for a while. Daddy had a TV set

and we could watch our favorite programs. It was fun until the door opened and there was this other woman. She talked to me and she knew our names. She tried to be too friendly and I pulled away. I just wanted to be with Daddy. I wanted to call home and see how Mommy was, but not this other woman.” When there was a commercial on TV, Jennifer wanted to ask her father a question but, as she began to go into the kitchen, she saw his arm around the other woman holding her. Jennifer pulled back. This terrible, terrible woman. She is stealing my Daddy from my Mom was her inner cry. It was a long day and she was glad when seven o’clock came and it was time to go home.

Jennifer was all confused as she stepped into her house. Should she act pleased and happy because she had spent the day with her Daddy? Should she act sorry? Would this make her Mom happier? Not long after they arrived home, Mom wanted to know all about the day with Dad. It did not take long to ask the question, “Who was there?” “ I did not remember her name so Mom started giving me a whole bunch of names and when she said the right one, I told it. This was the person. Then Mom cried. She yelled bad things about Daddy. I was sorry I had told her. I will know better next time.”

That night after the mother had tucked Jen- nifer into bed, Jennifer began to dream. All of the childhood stories kept coming to her mind. How could she rescue Daddy from this woman? She saw this woman as a witch, the witch of every story she knew. Now she wanted Daddy back. She must find a way to bring him back and re- lease him from this woman. Her dream would try to solve these overwhelming problems she could not solve in her real world.

The real world for Jennifer began to take on new dimensions-dimensions that she never thought would be part of her existence. She heard things such as, “You kids are going to have to help more around here since your Dad is gone.” “We don’t have money for everything.” “If your Dad does not send some money, 1’11 have to go to work.” “Your Dad tells me we may have to move, that we can’t afford this house.” These pronouncements troubled her.

Jennifer’s mind began to spin. Money . . . she always received her allowance, would that

be gone now? Move! She knew the kids next door. She knew where she should cross the street to go to the store. She was acquainted with every dog on the block, the friendly and the unfriendly. She knew Mrs. Nelson in her Sunday School. These were friendly neighbors when she went “trick and treating.” This house be- longs to us! This is our street. I want to live here!

As I have presented these inner thoughts of Jennifer’s, so could these thoughts belong to Billie, Jim, Jane, and Sandra and hosts of other children. While we may have ideas of ways chil- dren should handle the divorce, it is only as we understand the child can we be of help during the tragic change in their lives. While children like Jennifer have remarkable adaptability re- sources within her, yet there are ways parents and others could make the transition less painful and traumatic. It is not just a “good idea” but necessary for the child’s health and future. You may be able to identify with some of these suggestions that were made for Jennifer. 1. Listen as Jennifer expresses her grief, anger

and frustration at all the changes which are taking place. She may direct the anger at you as parents, at siblings, friends, the school or even God. If she keeps it all inside, it is going to come out, often in less accept- able ways. Anger is better than depression.

2. Let her know that you understand some of the anger and changes which are taking place. You may feel that you have enough of the pain yourself without Jennifer adding to your disappointments. She needs to know that you are trying to understand, taking for granted that she understands is not suffi- cient.

3. Continue to affirm your love for her. You can- not really speak for both parents. Each must take his or her responsibility to give this as- surance, but she needs to know that you love her. Like food, she needs that nourish- ment of caring each day.

4. Share with her some of your ambivalent feelings about the divorce. Children usually survive best when they know something of the truth of the breaking of the marriage. It is not a time to ventilate your own anger toward the spouse, but certainly a time to share some of the reasons for the divorce. Unless the child knows, it just does not make sense to them that the parents need to leave each

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other. 5. Give some extra time for talks and hugs.

While you may be busy with household duties, caught in the anxiety of trying to make some financial settlement in the di- vorce, now is the time when Jennifer needs those extra hugs. She needs to have you sit down and go over the school work. It may be a time to help her clean her room and make something special in her room like a new bookcase, a new picture on the wall, replace a bulb in the light fixture which has had a burned out bulb for the past six weeks.

6. Build in some compensation for the break in the family by adding some new things. It may be getting a dog or a cat. This means when Jennifer comes home she has an animal to greet her and some responsibility in feeding. If you cannot have a dog or cat, how about a fish or bird? It means that something alive and interesting is around the house which is new and involving.

7. Now is a good time to let Jennifer have some friends visit. You may feel the house is in too much trouble or these children may ask questions. Jennifer may already have told them of the separation. The friends will be reassuring for her. It also fills the house with voices, laughter and fun.

8. If you have relatives near your home, this is a good time to have the grandparents of Jen- nifer visit. She may also want to spend a night with them or visit for a Sunday after- noon. There may be uncles or aunts or old friends of the family-this is a time to let her, Jennifer, feel that there are a lot of con- cerned people around. Another added: it takes you out of isolation. It is good for you as a single parent to know that other persons are caring about you and your children.

9. Continue to culitivate your spiritual life as a family. If you have not had a church home, now is a good time to find one in your neigh- borhood. Some divorcing parents feel guilt in having to attend church because of ques- tions parishioners ask about the other par- ent. This is especially true if both have at- tended. Again, it may be best to be honest and indicate that you and your husband are in the process of divorce. It may be difficult for some to accept but it keeps you from hiding the fact of the divorce. Hold your head high. Your faith is not dependent upon

keeping a marriage. 10. When Jennifer visits her father for the

weekend, do not become the Grand In- quisitor when she returns. It is well for you to just listen even though you may not approve of some of the activities. The father may have a friend on the weekend but I think it is too difficult for the child to integrate the fact that this person is sleeping with father. It creates the dream life, the anger and distur- bance we described in the fantasy world of Jennifer. The child has enough disturbance in her mind by the divorce process.

1 1. The father of Jennifer ought to be aware that Jennifer does not need constant entertain- ment and money when she visits. It is dif- ficult, I know, to try to bring a nine-year-old into an apartment for a weekend and find something of interest in this adult setting. But Jennifer can help create activities. She can bring some books to read, there may be a time to talk, a time to watch a favorite TV show together, prepare lunch, and perhaps go visit some favorite point of interest on Saturday afternoon for something special. Again, some hugs and a few tears might be helpful in this setting.

SUMMARY Children do survive the trauma created by

divorcing parents. A safe, secure world sud- denly has begun to crumble. Their fantasy life seems full of despair and ruin. This internal thinking of the children can be changed by some of the suggestions that have been made. You may have your own list and probably could add another dozen. Children have resources within themselves for adaption to change. Much change can be helped by the constant caring, love and openness of both parents. You may divorce as husband and wife but you do not di- vorce as parents. This is the time to spend some time with a child like Jennifer or the children of your household. Your needs may be great as you divorce but the children also have unique needs at this time.

While I have portrayed Jennifer living with her mother in this article, I am aware that many fathers have the child living with them. Although the story of Jennifer might be changed to living with the father instead of her mother, the thoughts and ideas and Jennifer’s reactions would be the same.

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