9.15 pm – personal story - restored lives€¦ · web viewit reduces our health, ... as well as...

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Speakers’ Notes

Training Session – For Leaders and Helpers

7.30 Introduction

My name is Erik Castenskiold and I want to give you a very warm welcome to Restored Lives.

It’s great to see all of you here tonight and I am excited about this course because I know how much difference it can make to people’s lives. It certainly made a huge difference for me when I came on the course a number of years ago and I know it has done for many of you.

I am going to be leading this course and taking you through this session which is designed to enable you to have confidence in leading and helping on the course.

Divorce and separation has a huge impact on an individual’s life. Divorce is one of the most stressful events that anyone can experience. It reduces our health, our wealth and our well-being.

And the number of people affected is huge. Every year thousands and thousands of people get divorced which impacts directly on their children, their own parents and their close family and friends. You can quickly see that over a short period of time, millions of people are impacted by the scar of relationship breakdown and this has a huge impact on the country as a whole.

Most people feel incredibly ill equipped and very isolated when they go through a serious relationship breakdown. There is very little help on hand to support people across all the issues that you have to deal with.

That is why we have created Restored Lives which has the objective to come alongside people in their greatest time of need and equip them with the right tools to rebuild their lives afresh.

Restored Lives has been developed by a group of divorcees from a number of different professions: judges, solicitors, communications experts, clergy, counsellors, family life professionals, mediation advisers as well as many others with no related professional qualifications but lots of practical experience.

© Restored Lives Charity 2013

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Restored Lives has been helping thousands of people over the last 20 years recover from relationship breakdown and the course is now running in many different and varied countries around the world.

Restored Lives creates a safe, non-judgemental environment for people to meet others in a similar situation and then discuss, question and grapple with the important issues that they are facing.

The course gives the help and support that people need, as well as practical tips and tools, not just to “get through” their relationship breakdown, but to come out of it as a better person with a restored, fulfilled life.

It’s actually a privilege to be able to come alongside people in their valley of despair and enable them return to a restored life. This is not an easy journey. It is full of many ups and downs and for some people it can take many years to achieve.

However, the course can be transformational, empowering people to make better choices in their lives and be able to move on much more quickly. In the end it helps people build much stronger foundations to all their relationships in the future.

As leaders and helpers we are going to be working together as a team and so let’s spend the next 10 mins introducing ourselves to each other one by one and maybe say a little bit of how we come to be here.

7.40 pm – Exercise (in small groups) (10 minutes)

Introductions and “how you come to be here”

7.50pm – Structure of the sessions (10 minutes)

Let me tell you some more details about the course.

People come on the course from many different backgrounds and situations. Some have been married for a long time, others not married at all; some have children and others not; some have just recently been separated, whilst others were divorced many years ago. Some guests feel in chaos, and struggle to get through each day. Others are already positive about their future and want to go through more of a checklist to confirm that they have recovered completely.


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There are many different situations and backgrounds however the course designed for all of them. The course provides the right structure to help people move on.

Importantly, as a helper or leader, you don’t have to fix people or come up with the solution they need. The vital thing for you to focus on is providing a welcoming, loving, listening environment that gives people the space and time to work through their own issues.

To do this, the course is divided up into seven sessions including an end of course dinner. The first six sessions have smaller group discussions interspersed with a number of teaching elements.

Then at the end of each session finishes with someone’s personal experience of their own journey through divorce and separation highlighting their key issues and how they have overcome them. This always communicates real hope and gives people confidence that a restored life is possible in the future.

WelcomeWelcoming guests and hosting them is a key part to making the course successful. The welcome on the first evening is particularly important because people are often nervous about coming to the first evening.

This means having a warm welcome for people and making the initial admin arrangements simple and efficient.

Guests often come early on the first evening and it is helpful to have all the leaders and helpers on hand well before time to welcome people into their small groups.

Maybe think about what you might say to guests first and what questions you may pose to start conversation.

I have sometimes got it wrong by saying “great to see you here” which is not always what a guest feels or wants to hear because they would rather not be in this situation. Even though they know the course will be helpful people find it difficult to be excited about being on the course. Maybe just say “welcome” and ask them “how their day has been today”.

Why small groups?


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We divide people up into small groups on the course which are a vital part of the whole process. Small groups offer an environment where guests can speak what’s on their mind and allows their issues to feel less overwhelming, with the support of their group.

The small groups enable people to connect with other group members, and this helps the learning and healing process through three key ways:

1. It helps us take our focus off ourselves and puts our own issues into perspective in light of what other people are going through;

2. A guest can hear other people’s experiences which may be helpful and relevant to them; and

3. A guest’s own experience can be encouraging for other people in the group - and that will lift the guest’s own self-confidence

The role of the small group leaders and helpers

The small groups are important and therefore the small group leader has a vital role to support the small group throughout the course. The key elements of the leaders role is to

facilitate the discussion times through asking open questions, listening and encouraging people to share

The small group leader is supported by one or two small group helpers whose role is to:

Support the group leader in creating a good environment for people to talk

Obviously, if the leader has been delayed that they need to fill in but normally their’s is a silent supportive role in the group

Both leaders and helpers have an important role outside the small group discussions, such as to:

arrive on time to welcome guests to each evening

Be a listening ear at other moments like over the dinner, coffee and afterwards

We all need to be able to notice any more serious issues affecting any group member that may require any specialised help – and I’ll speak about this later

And lastly, if appropriate, we can offer to pray for group members who would appreciate it


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8.00pm - The principles for the small groups (10 minutes) There are five important principles that make the small group safe, non-judgemental and supportive, and enable them to be places where people can successfully move on.

1. Confidentiality

Confidentiality is an important issue for guests and we make it clear in the first session that all information shared must stay within the group. The only exceptions to this is if it is life-threatening or outside the law or if it is a big enough concern that you would like to sound out the advice of another leader.

2. Respect Our attitude to others must be respectful and we must all be good listeners when someone else is talking. This should be the same for all the group participants as well.

We are not here to judge each other nor diminish other peoples’ thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes this may come up where a person states that someone else’s view is wrong or that ‘doctors have proved this to be incorrect…’. If that happens we should be quick and gentle to remind people that everyone’s views are valid. Maybe think about saying something afterwards to the person concerned.

3. Participation Everyone should feel that they can contribute and know that their contribution is valued.

Through sharing and listening, people are able to work things out for themselves. To enable this to happen we should gently encourage everyone in the group to participate and then actively listen to what they say.

‘Active listening’ sets aside our own thoughts, ideas, judgements, feelings and attitudes, and just focus on the person that’s speaking. This type of listening requires:

Our full attention and maintains eye contact

does not interrupt with your own story or comment

It allows only one person to speak at a time

This type of listening is comfortable with silence – don’t rush to fill the gaps, allow silence to give room for people to think or participate as well

Active listening watches and listens for non-verbal clues: body language or tone of voice

Gives encouraging gestures (nodding, smiling and making appropriate eye contact)


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This type of listening communicates to people that they are valued and important and therefore builds up people’s self-confidence just purely by listening.

We should obviously encourage people to participate but guests should also know that they have the right not to participate if they don’t want to and I will make that clear in the first session.

Sometimes you do find that one person speaks too much and this should be discouraged gently.

There are a number of ways that this can be done sensitively, such as:

Interrupting at an appropriate pause to asking the group an open question such as, ‘has anyone else felt or experienced this?’

Look at other people in the group with the first question

Find extra time elsewhere for that person to talk

There are moments when people are nervous and speak a lot more. This does sometimes happen on the first session but then you often find that they relax on the following sessions and don’t say as much. Therefore, be gentle to begin with, but, if a person continues to dominate the conversation during sessions, be bolder in subsequent weeks to protect the group dynamics and allow everybody to participate.

4. Responsibility It is very important that the guests are responsible for resolving their own issues and challenges rather than seeking the solutions from you.

We are not responsible for them, nor for the choices they make, however we can support them and help them to make their own good decisions. When a guest starts to make their own good choices then they will build self-confidence and be able to move on quicker.

It is very important that we do NOT give advice. The reason is that it is impossible to know all the issues that a guest is facing even if we believe that a guest has told us everything. Someone else close to the situation may have a very different perspective of what’s happening.

Our role is to listen and ask the right questions to enable the guests to make their own choices about the way forward. This will empower them to take responsibility for their future. If you are faced with a direct question then it is best to either respond back with another question, such as ‘what options do you have?’ or ‘what are you thinking of doing?’ or, if you are in a group situation, you can ask the rest of the group something like, ‘has anyone else had experience of this situation?’. You will be amazed at how other guests’ experiences help answer these questions and is empowering for both people.

If you are pressed further, as a last resort, rather than give advice I would say speak about your own experience, of what happen in your situation. © Restored Lives Charity 2013

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In the end, it is always better to focus on allowing all of the guests to speak of their own experiences first. This really helps the group dynamics. We suggest leaders and helpers only talk about their own experiences in the group sessions towards the end of the course – we must give space and time for guests to express themselves first.

The overall issue on responsibility is to help leaders and helpers not ‘pick up the burdens’ of their guests. Our responsibility is to provide the right environment for guests to make the right choices in their lives. We can come alongside guests to support them in their journey but it must always be the guest’s choice of what they should do next.

5. Prayer Restored Lives is often run by volunteers who come from a church setting – just as we are doing on this course.

The course offers practical support for people going through divorce and separation whatever their background or faith and it is therefore designed for churchgoers and non-churchgoers alike.

It is important that we do not make assumptions on people’s backgrounds or beliefs, nor alienate people by the way we say things.

And therefore leaders and helpers should assume that everyone on the course is a non-Christian. It is always safer to assume this and respect everyone’s position of faith.

We can then allow guests to dictate the content of any of the discussions whether on the topic of faith, or in fact, any topic for discussion.

What we do seek to do is to give the opportunity for people to receive prayer if they would like it. There may be times during the course when you want to offer to pray for people on specific issues and this can easily be done at the end of the group session.

Before we look at situations where you may need external professional help, let’s spend the next 10 mins as a group and go through any of your questions on how the course and the small groups work.

8.10 pm – Exercise (10 minutes)

Do you have any questions about the way to lead a small group or how to be a helper in a small group?

8.20pm – Additional external help (10 minutes)

Leaders notes: we would encourage you to compile a list of specialist advisors such as counsellors, mediators or therapists who would be available to help people with more serious issues. This can be used in conjunction with the notes below.

Guests


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In this session we want to make sure that you are all confident to help guests even when they are facing some serious life problems.

It is important to know when you need to encourage people to get specialised help and this is normally in respect of issues which are either life-threatening or that keep on coming up in a person’s life without being resolved.

If a guest speaks of suicidal thoughts or fears of suicide, we should make sure that they speak with their own doctor about these feelings. That is the most important thing to encourage them to do if it comes up.

If you have more time with someone who is seriously considering suicide then the points to make are as follows:

1. They are not unusual, many people feel this. Relationship breakdown brings with it huge pain but people do get through to a full recovery

2. Don’t do anything now. Make a promise not to do anything for 24 hours. You may have this feeling now but you don’t have to act on it.

3. Stop taking drugs and alcohol – they make your thoughts worse4. Talk to someone like a doctor or counsellor about your feelings.

Depression is also a common issue for people going through divorce and separation and again, this needs to be discussed with a doctor. We have a handout in Session 1 that covers this issue in more detail, however in general, if someone has a low mood that persists for more than two weeks then they should speak with their doctor.

Other issues such as alcohol dependency or abuse should be dealt with again by a doctor and counsellor.

We need to be alert to those who may have been abused by their former spouse, as some people find it difficult to admit this. Some possible signs of abuse are:

Quiet speech

Downcast eyes during most of the meeting

Continued crying over a period of time

No, or very little, contribution to group discussions


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Extreme sense of shame

Ensure that the group times draw these people in and provide them with a safe environment to be open and honest in.

These are typically the serious issues that we need to be wary of and if you are in any doubt do please talk to me or to one of the group leaders. We have good contacts with a number of professionals who may be able to help. Luckily, in my experience, these situations are rare.

Argumentative people or disruptive people can also be difficult to deal with, although again it is very unusual.

The small groups should be clear about the principles of respect that we have already spoken about but then it may also be appropriate to talk to people outside the group sessions and discuss what they have said.

We have had it once where it was better for the whole group that a person met individually with their counsellor rather than disrupt everyone else.

Do everything possible to help all these people feel loved, accepted and safe. Emphasise the confidentiality of the course. Pray for them. If they acknowledge their situation, do refer them to appropriate experts.

Overall, it’s always best lean on the cautious side and if you are in doubt refer people or encourage people to see their doctor, counsellor or another relevant expert.

We recognise that a seven-session course is a short period that may not enable all guests to feel that they can move on successfully.

We will discuss more about what to do next at the end of the course but its not unusual for people to do the course again.

I would encourage you all to keep in contact during and after the end of the course and we will be organising a social evening in the middle of the course.


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Leaders and Helpers

As we stand alongside guests and help them through their issues, we ourselves may need the support of others.

Most people find that listening to the talks and hearing other people’s stories continues to raise issues in their own lives. That is very normal and can actually be a useful part of moving on successfully to see whether you still feel the pain and hurt or the issues that you had in the past.

Try to be aware of your own emotional triggers such as similar people or events that have happened in your life. This will enable you to remain more balanced when the issue arises in the group.

Also, beware of taking other people’s burdens onto your own shoulders. Some leaders and helpers have a strong desire to help people and you can find yourselves worrying and trying to help or ‘fix’ guests’ problems. I would encourage you to talk to their group leader or to me if you feel an increasing burden in your own life as a result of helping on the course.

Restored Lives is designed to empower guests to tackle their own burdens without overly relying on direct care from you.

8.20 pm – Coffee break and Group questions and answers (3 0 minutes)

Let’s grab a coffee and biscuit and then discuss:

Group Exercise: What questions do you have on issues that may need external help?

9.10pm Conclusion

I hope that you now feel much more confident about helping and leading on the course.

The small groups are an important place for people to learn and to experience recovery and I am sure that you will find them very enjoyable.

As I said at the beginning, most people going through divorce and separation feel very isolated and don’t have the practical advice to help them recover.


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I am excited about this course because I know it has the potential to radically change the direction of a person’s life for the better. And in helping one person recover successfully means that the relationships around them can be renewed and refreshed which is especially important when children are involved.

The impact of the course in restoring people’s lives is huge and so I want to thank you for being involved in this process.

9.15 pm – Personal story (5 minutes) Note to leaders: this could be from anyone – ideally someone who has just completed a course as a helper. We find that this personal story is best given using some simple questions, shown below, rather than the speaker simply reading from notes. Please make sure you have run through this with the speaker before the session.

Now we are going to hear from [insert name] who is going to tell us what it was like for [him/her] when [his/her] they helped on the course.

What was your background? How did you come to help on the course? How did you find it? Did it help you in your own journey? What would you say to someone here who is helping for the first time?

9.30 pm – Finish with prayer

We end each evening with a prayer. So let’s close your eyes and pray.

Dear Lord I pray that you would give us, as leaders and helpers, wisdom and insight to help people heal from the pain of the past and begin to restore people’s lives. I pray that each guest who comes here on this course would find an oasis of peace and support and would be able to move on successfully in their lives. Amen


9.15 pm – personal story - restored lives€¦ · web viewit reduces our health, ... as well as...

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