EnglishExemplars - Level 3

90720 (3.1) Produce an extended piece of writing in a selected style

Student exemplars and moderator comments for grade boundariesSee also:

The 90720 standard (including Explanatory Notes)

The clarification document for writing

The six internal assessment resources for this standard

The following are a mix of grade boundary pieces for this standard.

All seven samples have been annotated to explain why they meet or do not meet the standard.

Student Sample 1:

Category: Poetic writing Text type: Short Story (Meeting Kurt)

Achieved criteria:

develop, sustain and/or support ideas craft controlled writing that creates effects appropriate to audience, purpose and text type structure material clearly in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose and text type use writing conventions accurately.

Why does this response not meet the standard at Achieved?

The ideas are not sufficiently developed and sustained The writing has limited crafting and is not sufficiently controlled The structure has little evidence of meeting the short story Text type It does not use writing conventions with accuracy It does not use writing conventions accurately (fourth criterion). There are a number of errors in apostrophe, punctuation and syntax usage.

Writing is not sufficiently crafted or controlled (second criterion). The opening is predictable, and the development of the story very plot dominant with little stylistic expression evident. Imagery employed (such as “thorny bush” section) is frequently ineffective. There is little evidence of selecting language to ‘create effects’. There are too many awkward constructions and expressions (see italicised) to meet the requirement to ‘craft writing to create effects appropriate to purpose, text type’.

The piece is not structured in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’ (third criterion). It does not build to any climax or have a recognised short story shape, such as a narrative with a twist. Little tension or suspense is created. Purpose of story is not clear.

Confrontation

In the midst of my sleep I registered the constant noise of the phone until it was silenced by someone in the lounge. "Melia, that was Mrs Thompson, she's wondering if we could go around and have a chat?"

"I don't want to go Mum; I haven't been a part of any of this!" Mum stared at me with a guilt enticing look, while trying to plead with me to go and try sort out this mess that I hadn't created.

"Fine, I'll go, but you're coming with me, okay."

As we passed a thorny bush, I murmured "I'm nervous", but it was muffled by the crunching gravel underfoot. Although through the noise, mum still knew what I'd said. We lived on the same block, but the walk to their house seemed to go on forever.

I knocked twice on the door and waited for an answer. We didn't have to wait long because as soon as I'd put my hand down to my side the green rimmed door opened. Mrs Thompson's face wasn't welcoming; in fact it was the complete opposite. Things between us and Rosalie Thompson had been heated over the past few weeks, but now for some reason I'd been singled out.

Mrs Thompson greeted us with a simple "Hello" and ushered us in. Mum tried to break the tension with the weather, but Mrs Thompson wasn't responding to any small talk. She led us through the lounge to the kitchen table and pointed to the chairs; we took our cue and sat down. Then it dawned on me, where was Rosalie?" Is Rosalie here?" I asked, surprised at how calm I sounded. "No, she's gone out actually" her mum replied. I didn't ask anymore questions about her whereabouts, I knew Rosalie wasn't out. She would be listening into my

It does not meet the first criterion. The piece becomes the ‘re-telling’ of an event rather than the development of an idea. Little evidence of elaboration or illustration in support of the ideas. Explanatory Note 4 says that, ‘An extended piece of writing is one of considerable length, importance, or worth, with ideas that show maturity, depth of thought, and awareness of a range of dimensions or viewpoints.’

Explanatory Note 6 says that, ‘Ideas include facts, information, observations, thoughts, opinions, arguments, feelings, experiences, or sensory qualities, depending on text type selected.’ Explanatory Note 7 says that to, ‘Develop, sustain and/or support ideas means: to build on a single idea by adding detail, linking that idea to other ideas and details, maintaining and echoing images or moods through explanation, examples, evidence, description, information and choice of words.’

every word blaming me for all that had happened.

"I think you know why you're here don't you Amelia?" Mrs Thompson blurted out, ending the silence that had filled the kitchen since we arrived. "No, I don't. I'm not the one to talk to to sort this out" I replied in a hushed tone.

Mrs Thompson didn't bother to explain, she just launched into attack, firing questions at me without even waiting for a reply to the one before.

"What did Rosalie do to deserve this?" "Rosalie never got a fair chance with you lot, you were out for her from the beginning", "Everyone needs friends, especially after all the grief and pain she's been through", "Why didn't you stick up for her? I thought you were better than that Amelia", "How come Rosalie wasn't invited to Nicole's birthday party last month? Didn't you want to share your best friend with her?", and a dozen more lines after those, each making me look more heartless and unsympathetic than the one before.

Something changed then. My opinion on everything to do with Rosalie was different. I wasn't nervous or scared anymore, I was angry.

I couldn't stand being accused of all this hurt that I hadn't caused and wasn't even in the center of while Rosalie got sympathy. Mum didn't jump to my defence, I was thankful for that because I wanted to sort this problem out myself.

I cut Mrs Thompson off mid accusation and launched into defence. "I can't dictate everyone's feelings! Why wasn't Rosalie invited to Nicole's birthday party? I don't know, ask Nicole it was her party, not mine! You can't turn that around on me. Rosalie's lies have created this mess, why would she think its okay to make up stories about people she called her friends? You can't force friends onto me that I can't trust!"

We didn't get anywhere, after an hour of being attacked and trying to defend myself to no end; Mum stood up and flashed Mrs Thompson a look of disgust. I got up and went and stood next to mum before we turned and walked back through the lounge to the crisp air outside. Mrs Thompson followed and shut the green door behind us with blunt force. I should have seen it coming; of course Rosalie's mum wouldn't believe me. She'd painted me as a horrible person and that wasn't going to change in her mind.

Back on the crunching gravel I didn't know what to feel. I realised I had tears on my cheeks, not of sorrow and guilt, but of confusion.

"Am I really this monster that Rosalie and her mum thought I was?" I didn't think so, but I certainly questioned it on the walk home.

Student Sample 2

Category: Transactional writing Text type: Column

Achieved criteria:

develop, sustain and/or support ideas craft controlled writing that creates effects appropriate to audience, purpose and text type) structure material clearly in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose and text type use writing conventions accurately.

Why does this response just meet the standard at Achieved – low Achieved?

The ideas about the nature and evolution of the 21st homo sapiens are convincingly developed, sustained and supported.

The writing is sufficiently crafted and controlled, although there are some lapses. The material is structured to present a definite and persuasive socially based argument. Writing conventions are accurately used.

Writing has evidence of crafting (second criterion), such as the use of parallel sentence structure. Minor lapses in control are acceptable such as the awkwardly worded opening (“Back in the days…”)

Some sentences are long and lose control of fluency e.g. “The cave men were constantly battling the elements ….road traffic scarily common.”

The ideas are developed, sustained and supported convincingly (first criterion). The piece builds from an introduction which establishes the purpose of the column: we must be careful that we don’t lose our humanity in the wake of technological advance. Illustrations and elaborations of points are evident such as the selected details from the film “Wall E”.

Writing conventions are used accurately (fourth criterion). A few random errors are acceptable.

Writing is structured clearly (third criterion) with minor

Year of the Blob

Back in the days, a long, long and even longer time ago, the world was not as effortless as we all know it today. Being in the 21" century where everything you can ever want is at the click of a button is now a reality. Gone are the days when Homo sapiens had to work to catch his food; now he has the option of the painless and energy-conserving alternative of the supermarket. Being in a time when we can complain about the excruciating two minutes it takes to make noodles is the epitome of the degeneration of the human condition.

The 21st century has possibly made the human being the laziest species that can ever be described. The cave men were constantly battling the elements around them to survive, and yet we find ourselves aggravated by long supermarket queues and annoyance in road traffic scarily common. Maybe this is an adaptation of our natural instinct to find the easiest way of getting things done. However, when set up in contrast to the life of a caveman, not many present day problems qualify to validate the extreme examples of laziness exhibited today. I agree that back in the Stone Age life may have been simpler, but that did not make it easier for the people of the time.

We are fast on our way to becoming human blobs as the film Wall E was kind enough to point out. In the future the Earth could become completely polluted; with the last of the human race living in space, virtually unable to walk because of their reliance on technology to fulfil their every whim. Frankly, this film frightened me. It showed human beings having taken the personification of laziness to the extreme and thus creating somewhat of an anti-evolution.

The Chinese Zodiac has various animals for every twelve years. I feel in our time of human development change is

lapses in fluency (second criterion) which detract from the structure’s effectiveness. . Paragraphs develop the argument through a series of illustrated points such as the way life has become easier for us as consumers, yet we take this aspect for granted. See bold. However the argument becomes less coherent from “But when you put it all down…actual act”?

Writing is structured clearly (third criterion) Conclusion takes a strong position and makes a final comment about how we need to value life and live it to the full – rather than making petty complaints about minor inconveniences.

imminent; a new creature is required to be added to the Chinese calendar - The Blob. This seems the direction in which humanity is headed. An increase in technology dependence may leave us no use for the human body; we could all end up just surviving with robotic servants tending to our every need, the sole purpose of our existence to complain about the sluggishness of our new age technology as we slowly evolve to balls of fat.

With consumerism at its most prevalent, people are forgetting the way things used to be; and have started taking for granted everything that has made their lives easier. I can not imagine having to start a fire with sticks or rocks when the hardest igniter I have ever used is a match; I can not imagine having to hunt dinner for hours using a spear to immobilise it, when the hardest I have had to run for my food is to the counter of a take away restaurant. It's all about fast food, fast shopping and fast life. But when you put it all into perspective the one thing which slows down is the actual act involved in the process; and people still find reason to complain of the speed of these time saving conveniences. Society places value on the efficiency and speed of everything, which is all well and fine. But where is the appreciation? As we strive to be better and faster - we take humanity for granted.

When you can't wait for the little things in life, there must be something wrong. In our desire to be at the top of the food chain, we have become a laughing stock of the natural world. What can we anticipate for our future generations? Gelatinous blobs of beings whose only movement is to either stuff nutrients into their gobs, or to buy unnecessary junk they don't need on the internet (if we even manage to evolve to that sorry state with the pending doom of global warming). Something must be done if we wish to secure the future of the species, something must be resolved if we want to remain the superior species we are meant to be.

I do not mean every single being of the human population should endeavour to become one with their inner mammal; I do mean humans should strive to be more active and patient with the little aspects of life like technology, getting to places or even just appreciating the availability of resources. This will not only let us value life in this day and age but also allow us to view the life of the caveman with new found respect; giving the future generations more time to figure out a way to preserve the human species, before we evolve to balls of fat just using up space and oxygen. So, when find yourself complaining about the extra 30 seconds the internet is taking to send your emails, just think "What would true Homo Sapiens do?"

... and get over it.

Student Sample 3: Achieved – high Achieved

Category: Poetic writing Text type: Narrative – Chapter One

Merit criteria

develop, sustain and/or support ideas convincingly craft controlled and fluent writing that creates effects structure material clearly and effectively use writing conventions accurately

Why does this sample of writing meet the criteria at Achieved but not at Merit?

Ideas are convincingly developed and sustained. The storyline is developed – with convincing character introduction and background.

Writing is crafted and controlled at times but a greater level of fluency in the crafting needs to be sustained for Merit. Some less effective and awkward constructions and diction detract from the narrative’s effectiveness.

The piece is structured in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’. The narrative direction is established. “Chapter One” opens with character descriptions and situation (who and where, what is happening) and introduces the necessary background of Rai and his potential for the novel.

Punctuation and syntax lapses make the work borderline for ‘use writing conventions accurately’.

The piece is structured clearly and effectively in ‘a way that is appropriate to the purpose’ (third criterion). It opens with character descriptions and situation (who and where, what is happening). Sets up the necessary background of Rai and his potential for the novel ( such as. “needs looking after” , “afraid for everyone else in the bar). The chapter’s ending supplies just enough “hook” into the next chapter and the rest of the novel.

It does meet the first criterion (convincingly developed and sustained ideas). Ideas about Rai, Emelia, Ollie, and Unta are expressed and supported. We know Unta will be the antagonist, and Rai the protagonist, Emelia will

HERO

CHAPTER 1

Rai was drunk. He sat at the bar of Ollie’s tavern packed to the rafters with thirsty smelly woodsmen all intent on blowing their weeks wages on one night of drinking and whoring. The ruckus was annoying Rai, the usual quiet small town tavern was normally a place where he could admire Ollie’s daughter Emelia in peace but tonight he could only catch the odd glimpse of her through the crowd. The woodsmen were a burly bunch but obviously stupid, well the ones in the tavern were anyway.

`Blowing a week’s work on one night of pleasure, madness!' Rai said to himself. `At least they have got a job, Rainek.'

`Ollie, you rude old git what is your problem? Calm down and get me another drink.'

`My problem, Rainek, is that you have been bludgeoning off my hospitality for nearly a month now and have I received a single cent from you? No I have not. You have been sleeping in one of my rooms, eating my food, drinking my wine and harassing my daughter for far too long my friend.' Ollie looked at the still grinning and obviously drunk Rainek. He shook his

provide the love interest, and Ollie be Rai’s support in moments of conflict. We have a good understanding of the potential conflict between Unta and Rainek.

Writing is sufficiently controlled (second criterion) but the crafting needs further development and sustained fluency to meet Merit. Sentence variation needs further development to avoid repetition of structure. “He… She…” Some sentences are awkwardly expressed (italicised). There is evidence of ‘conscious choice of diction for effect’ (bold) – but this is not sustained throughout.

Accurate work (fourth criterion). Lapses in punctuation create some awkwardly constructed sentences (italicised).

head and sighed. The boy hasn't listened to a damned word he had just spoken. He turned and started to stride back towards the kitchen.

`Ollie wait!'

Ollie stopped and turned.

`What is it boy?'

`You forgot my drink!'

Ollie shook his head once more and continued towards the kitchen. `One day that one boy will be the death of me I know it'.

Emelia entered the bar from the kitchen a plate of meat in one hand and a loaf of Ollie’s famous fresh bread still warm from the oven in the other hand. She saw Rai sitting at the bar obviously drunk, smiling at her as he had done so many times over the last month. He would cock his head to one side and stare into her eyes - a crooked goofy smile emanating across his face. She smiled back at him and waved. He was handsome in his own way, his brown eyes and dark stubble gave him a warm look. His face was never harsh but never quite calm either and he seemed laid back but also aware. But above all he seemed genuine and thoughtful. Once he had given her the most beautiful rose she had ever seen. It was of the deepest red you could possibly think of and smelt like a thousand roses all merged into one. She liked Rai but her father had made her promise not to get attached to him.

`He is a useless coward and will take off at the first sign of any danger, he will always put himself first Emelia. A man like that will break your heart. He is dangerous in more ways than one.'

`Then why do you let him stay here for free father if you think of him in that way?'

`He needs looking after.'

`But where did Rai come from? One day he walks in here smelling of wine and spirits and god knows what asking for a place to stay for a couple of days and you let him in free of charge. What is he hiding from?'

Ollie had looked at her for a few moments a look of deep pain in his eyes.

`Rainek has seen the real world in all its glory and it scares him.'

This answer frustrated Emelia because he had in no way answered her question and neither would Rai every time she asked him. So she had just done as her father had wished and tried to steer clear of Rainek despite his many efforts to woo her.

Rainek watched Emelia enter the bar from the kitchen carrying a plate of meat and loaf of steaming bread. He smiled at her and she waved and smiled back at him. She was a very attractive woman. Her eyes were a deep emerald green and her hair tied in a ponytail was of a very dark brown, the likes of which was not often seen amongst Darnai women. Her skin was naturally bronzed and the curves of her figure caused Rainek to shiver. She was tall but not taller than Rai who himself was above average for a man. This suited Rai because he didn't like looking up to a woman. It was intimidating he thought. He watched her move through the crowd towards a table of ugly open mouthed woodsmen laughing uncontrollably at a man at the table who looked like a donkey. And a damn ugly donkey at that, thought Rai.

`Bowt bloody time,' said Unta as Emelia placed the food they had ordered on the table.

`My apologies sir as you can see we are very busy tonight.'

Unta grunted and began to look the waitress up and down, a greedy look in his eyes. `How much, girly?'

`I am not for sale,' replied Emelia and she turned to move away.

Unta's thick hairy arm reached out and wrapped around Emelia's waist pulling her close to him so he could whisper in her ear.`I think you should soften your tone girly before I get mad. Now I have been working in those god forsaken woods for a week with this bunch of hairy, smelly, rude, gutless, inbreeds and I am in desperate need of a woman's company. So if you know what's good for you, I would think about your answer to my question,' he stopped whispering and said aloud, "how much girly?'

An answer came but not from Emelia.

`For a moron like you I would say probably about fifty year's wages.'

Rainek had moved closer to the table of woodsmen. When he had seen Unta’s arm reach out and pull her close to him, he had moved right up behind them. When Unta had become ugly, Rainek had spoken up instantly, which he was now regretting. In his drunken state he had failed to assess the risks of the situation first. For a start there were five other decent sized woodsmen sitting around the table. Then there was Unta, who was twice the size of the next biggest one. There was the fact of all the other woodsmen in the bar and last but not least he was drunk. Rainek, you are an idiot.

`Rainek its all right. Go to the kitchen and get Ollie, he can handle these men,' said Emelia.

Good idea, thought Rainek, still unable to believe his own

stupidity.

Unta had been surprised by the sudden comment from behind him. He had not seen many other men in Ollie's bar apart from woodsmen and most normal patrons would stare clear of a horde of drunken lumberjacks. It would definitely not be one of his fellow work mates because most were deeply afraid of him he knew and he had not seen any soldiers for days. Then he had heard the name, `Rainek'.

Rainek the coward, Rainek the deserter.

And he arose from his seat.

`Well if it isn't one of the cowards of Bar Dosa Pass, finally decided to grow a pair eh boy?'

`I think you should stop hassling this woman, friend, and carry on with your drinking,' replied Rai with just the faintest hint of panic in his voice.

`Friend now, am I?'

`Nothing you still look like a donkey!' retorted Rainek again inwardly cursing his own drunkenness and stupidity.

`Ha! I must say I would never have expected this sort of courage from the likes of you. Have you heard the story of Rainek the lieutenant? The story of Rainek, the deserter? Your hero is not what you think he is, girly.'

`Shut up," Rainek said looking at Emelia.

`So why did you flee anyway Rainek? Why did you leave Hareos, Durrun, Skilado and the rest of the Darnai army to fight at Bar Dosa out numbered two to one?'

`I didn't see you there either!'

Unta's smile faded and he drew his knife.

`Come on lads,' he roared, `let's teach this coward a lesson!'

Rainek drew his sword from its scabbard as the familiar red mist he had escaped for so long began to cloud his vision.

Ollie had noticed the confrontation just in the nick of time. As Rainek drew his sword he placed his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his air

`It is me, Ollie. Be calm Rainek, be calm there will be no killing tonight.'

Rainek relaxed and returned his sword to its scabbard as Ollie stepped in front of him. `Now, now there is no need for hostility my friends the night is young and there are many good times still to be had. Unta, you and your friends at the table will drink for free for the rest of the night and let me see if I can also find some women to entertain you. Will that not make

up for Rainek's harsh words?'

Unta scowled at Rainek and then turned back to Ollie and smiled a toothless grin. `That will do nicely Ollie but one more thing you had better get this coward out of my site before I do something you will regret.'

`Yes Unta he will not bother you anymore tonight. Rainek follow me. Take this and go finish your night somewhere else. Rainek, I do not want this situation exploding further,' Ollie handed Rainek a bottle of cheap red wine and began ushering him out the side door.

`I was only protecting Emelia.'

`I know boy but I am in no mood for mopping the floors of bloodstains.'

Rainek turned and looked at Ollie. ‘ It was the drink giving me courage. I was lucky you arrived when you did.'

Ollie watched as Rainek stumbled away into the darkness taking a swig of wine every third step. He sighed as the weight of fear lifted from his shoulders. It was not you that I worried about boy Ollie thought to himself. It was everyone else in the bar.

Student Sample 4: Achieved with Merit – low Merit.

Merit criteria

develop, sustain and/or support ideas convincingly craft controlled and fluent writing that creates effects structure material clearly and effectively use writing conventions accurately

Category: Transactional writing Text type: Column

Why does this response just meet the standard at Merit?

The idea of the difficult teenage world is convincingly developed and supported. Writing is crafted, controlled and fluent. There is just enough evidence of writing ‘to

create effects’. Material is structured clearly and effectively Writing conventions are used accurately. Some random lapses are acceptable.

The idea of the difficult world of today’s teenagers is developed and sustained convincingly (first criterion). The introduction lists ideas which are later elaborated. Some points are not as strongly developed. For example, the paragraph beginning “Prior to this time teens were expected to take life seriously.”

Evidence of crafting (second criterion) in listing, rhetorical question and sentence variation (bold). Some awkward expressions and word choice but sufficient crafting is evident to meet the controlled and fluent criteria for Merit. Some lapses mean this piece only just meets the criterion at merit. i.e. “Marked as a century where media influence is increasing daily. Technology is a considerable aspect to our daily life.” “…WW3. In girl world that is.” “…Clyde. Monotonous, boring, and not worth talking about.” “…pressure filled parents...” “…

Material World

“We are living in a material world and I am a material girl, you know that we are living in a material world and I am a material girl.” Gucci jeans, Fendi bag, Louis V. Jimmy Choos, sound familiar? Welcome to the 21st Century people, where sneaking out, passing out, and living to tell a tale becomes your life mantra. The typical trends of a teenage girl infatuation. Oh it's so difficult being a teen in the 21st Century. Gossip, reputation, parents, school, boys and the constant nag of “What are you going to do with the rest of your life?" These are the worries that could easily turn your hair a light shade of grey. How do you solve this problem you ask? Well truth is, you can’t. You just have to endure it, but little do we know that these years could be the best years of our lives.

Prior to this time teens were expected to take life seriously. Our grandparents lived in the unfortunate time period when it was all about settling down and finding your lifelong partner at 17. Since World Wars occupied so many teen lives, there was never any time for fun or socialising. Chances of finding your soul mate were pretty limited.

Then, in came the 1950s, where the term 'teenage’ surfaced. The end of wars and the development of economies sparked the beginning of a new era. Elvis was the eye candy for the ladies. Petticoats, scoop nick blouse, and back to front cardigans were so hot. The birth of sex, drugs, and rock and roll were also established amongst society. Teenagers were making their name known to the world. They were the future. Influence of parental indulgences such as high incomes, lead to teens being spoilt and oblivious to the unfortunate. This made teens secretive, and more deceitful towards their parents rules, And we think our parents should understand our situations, yet they

way. From being forced to settle down and mature by 16.”

Writing is structured effectively as a column piece (third criterion). Paragraphs develop the argument through a series of illustrated points. The ending challenges the reader’s attitudes without criticising them i.e. “However, never underestimate us; remember that we are the future.” Although the first half is awkwardly developed, the second half has more rigour and points are more convincingly developed. Some sentences clinch the argument (see bold sections).

The piece is sufficiently accurate to meet the fourth criterion (use writing conventions accurately). Random lapses are acceptable.

don't.

Parents love to understand us. They try to form that ‘bond’ with their teens - as if they can comprehend what we feel. They enjoy expressing their life experience with us, and using the “when I was your age" line just to spark some kind of communication. All we want really is to be ALONE. Then there was the “Don’t worry love, I understand, I was your age too". It's like you have just stepped into a series of the Brady bunch.

No matter what we say or do we never win. The stereotypical image of a 21st century teen is rather ghastly. Marked as the century where media influence is increasing daily. Technology is a considerable aspect to our daily life. Cellphones, internet, music, MTV and magazines seem to have a strong grip on the formation of teens desires. Or that’s what they think. Parents. What they don't realise is that it's not easy being a teen. If only they could hear our conscience battling with ourselves every morning before school on what to wear. There's the constant pressure of always looking amazingly gorgeous like Scarlet Johansson. As if she wakes up looking fabulous without morning breath. Makeup does work wonders doesn't it?

Gossip is the worst part. Girls love it, and they love to hate it. Gossip could easily become the opening of WW3. In girl world that is. The constant "he said, she said" spreads like a swarm of bees on the hunt. Of course it's a guilty pleasure, we all love it, but we detest this teenage obsession if we are the victims. Once you’re a target of a villain’s plot to take over the high school elite, your left friendless, boyfriend less, and social-lifeless. Life without gossip is like Bonnie’s life without Clyde. Monotonous, boring, and not worth talking about. The constant demand of protecting and safeguarding your reputation from gossip is always a mission. Hook up with a random and you're labelled a "slut". In a relationship? Well, you have defiantly lost your V plates haven't you? Promiscuous, and not very ladylike. What would mother say about this? Not in a relationship? Aww how sad, unwanted and unloved. Gosh she must be unfortunate looking. These are just a few “reps" us teens have to shield in order to survive the claws of gossip.

However, despite all uncertainties, nags, and pressure filled parents, teenagers have come a long way. From being forced to settle down and mature by 16, we have learnt to identify with ourselves and find out who we are before taking any step further in life. Of course when we're 30 we are going to look back and laugh at all the dramatic performances. For now, parents and teachers are the enemies. They don’t completely empathize with us no matter how hard they try. Reputation and gossip will never leave us. It's fun, we enjoy it, and there is no

use in denying it. Boys will always be a confusing matter and media will continue to shape our identity. However, never underestimate us; remember that we are the future. Whatever decision we make affects the world on so many bases. Being a teen is all about drama. Live with it and enjoy it while we have the chance. “Free hug” as many people as we can, laugh like there is no tomorrow; kiss as many loved ones as possible and remember to live to tell the tale. That's what it's all about.

Student Sample 5: Achieved with Merit – high Merit.

Excellence criteria:

develop, sustain and/or support ideas convincingly, showing insight or originality craft controlled and fluent writing that creates appropriate to audience, purpose and text type,

and that commands attention structure material clearly and effectively in a way that is appropriate to audience, purpose and

text type, and that achieves impact use writing conventions accurately Category: Transactional writing Text type: Column

Why does this response meet Merit but not meet the standard at Excellence?

The piece develops, sustains and supports the concept of consumerism overtaking the world convincingly, showing insight or originality by proposing that we embrace nudity as a viable option.

‘Craft controlled and fluent writing... that commands attention.’ Effective diction and sentence variation employed. Lapses into less effective expressions mean that the piece does not command attention. The argument is effectively and clearly structured employing a range of illustrations and

elaborations. The listing successfully builds to a satirical anti-climax. The column ends with a final summary which encompasses a definite viewpoint. Conclusion uses imperatives to articulate the final “do the nude” . All these combine to achieve impact.

Uses writing conventions accurately. Writing is structured clearly and effectively to achieve impact (third criterion) .Opening paragraph captures the reader’s attention. Paragraphs are linked effectively and the flow of argument is logically sequenced and developed.

Craft controlled and fluent writing (second criterion). Effective word choice such as “delving deeper into New Zealanders pockets, fashion forward guys”. Effective listing of clichés to build to a focused climax such as “The bees are buzzing … naked”. Effective repetition used such as “and you are naked.” Throughout the column, the writer tends to use long sentences. These are contrasted at times with short sentences to provide more impact.

The Naked Truth

Think of the happiest place in the world. Contemplate for a moment what you would consider a state that would surpass all others. No, I am not referring to Disneyworld, or Rainbows End. I am not thinking of Sky City or bungy jumping, or the majestic and peaceful landscapes of the South Island. I am thinking of a miraculous place where sad faces are a thing of the past, where fat jeans are non-existent, where unblemished complexions no longer need airbrushing and skinny dipping is more than just a crazy dare. Indeed I am speaking of the unexplored territory of a misunderstood place, otherwise known as, a nudist colony.

The bees are buzzing, birds are tweeting, the sun is shining in the depths of a still blue summer sky and you are naked. The evening breeze flirtatiously caresses your body as the sweltering heat of a Saturday afternoon cools down to a warm, comfortable temperature, and you are NAKED.

My original thoughts of this curiously disturbing idea of nudism relate back to all the bad things anyone has ever said about nudists, "Go happy-hippies, perverted 'McPervsters,' freaks!" Yet when I dig deeper under the fleshy surface that is Nudism, I uncover the naked truth. Forget investment portfolios, forget civil rights, forget environmental emissions

Occasional lapses to less effective expression such as “My original thoughts….” means crafting does not command attention (second criterion).

The writer develops, sustains and supports her ideas convincingly, showing insight or originality (first criterion), such as the virtues of going naked. See the paragraph beginning “The cost of wearing clothes…” The tone is ‘tongue in cheek’, bordering on the satirical, which can be appropriate for this text type. Points are elaborated throughout the column.

Writing conventions are used accurately (fourth criterion). A few minor lapses are acceptable.

Writing is structured clearly and effectively to achieve impact (third criterion). The argument is effectively linked - employing a range of illustrations and elaborations. The listing successfully builds to a satirical anti-climax, such as “ It can save copious…. Hey, no tan lines!” The column ends with a final summary which encompasses a definite

treaties. Nudism can save the world.

One Country Road T-shirt $65, one pair of Levi jeans $140, one pair of over the knee boots $195, going naked .... priceless. In times like these, with the global recession delving deeper into New Zealanders pockets, fashion forward guys and gals cannot afford to be splurging on the new seasons 'must haves'. A simple saviour, an untraditional knight in shining armour, gallops into play. It would be dollars in your pocket, if you were wearing any!

No doubt about it, nudism does come with its down sides - like uncovering more of our teachers, parents, colleagues and workmates than is perhaps desirable. Leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination may well be regrettable. But nothing is perfect. Think and think profoundly, past the naked images hauntingly dancing in your head, to the core of the issue. Whilst the latest outfit may only cost you a measly $200, behind the scenes, factories emit treacherous gases into the atmosphere, swirling gloomy billow of cushiony poison. Sweatshop workers pocketing a pittance for hours of gruelling work labour under conditions you wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy. One trendy outfit, one “drop dead gorgeous garment” compared to the exploitation and working conditions of another human being? Not worth it if you ask me.

Once upon a time in ancient Greek art, nudism was depicted as heroic. The human physique was hallowed, worshipped for its beauty and on full view as the Olympians sprinted to the finish line. Yet in the PC times of the 21st century, nudism is considered far from heroic, to the extent that streakers are prosecuted for their enthusiastic public displays. These brave hearts deserve a medal, not a fine. As a concession perhaps there is an issue of age appropriate viewing here.

When I was twelve and witnessed Wellington's "Tarzan" on a windy day, in his loincloth (a love not only shared by cavemen apparently) imprisonment was not a consequence that seemed entirely out of the question. Today, however I have accepted the challenge his overt dress code presents and I look at it from the sunny side of life. Adam and Eve were perfectly happy in the nude, as is our friend Tarzan. Who are we to persecute those comfortable in their own skin? Wouldn't it be better to rear our young to be more accepting?

Speaking of Adam and Eve, did you ever hear about Eve suffering from bulimia, or Adam being jealous of his neighbour? When we fail to celebrate the human form and fail to recognize that we do not have to be perfect from head to toe, there are many modern psychological manifestations. Self-consciousness and jealousy can lead to disturbing issues such as eating disorders and depression. These end badly. Primarily, red-faced syndrome may be common in boys and girls alike,

viewpoint. Conclusion uses imperatives (“step out”, “do the nude”, “trust me”) to demand action.

but straightforward uncomplicated nudism will save girls and guys the bashful stage in the dating game. Confidence will no doubt blossom. Will he notice me? Will she like what I am wearing? Nudism evens out the playing field, shedding the artificial layer and finally honing in past the exterior and into the interior.

One word, six letters, three syllables, a solution ...nudity. What can being in the 'nuddy duddys' do for today's society? It can save copious amounts of money which could be put towards real causes, instil confidence and de-materialize the world whilst levelling out the playing fields for the rich and poor and hey, no tan lines! So, I challenge you to say no to the material world. Step out of your comfort zone, constricting and constraining you to conformist styles and ''do the nude." Trust me, you will thank me afterwards.

Student Sample 6: This piece meets the standard at Excellence – low Excellence.

Excellence criteria:

develop, sustain and/or support ideas convincingly, showing insight or originality craft controlled and fluent writing... that commands attention structure material clearly and effectively... achieves impact use writing conventions accurately. Category: poetic writing Text type: narrative short story (resource - Meeting Kurt)

Why does this response just meet the standard at Excellence?

The idea of conflicting tension in teenage friendships when romance enters the picture is convincingly supported and developed with originality

Writing is generally ‘crafted and controlled fluent writing that creates effects’. It occasionally commands attention, just meeting the second criterion for Excellence.

Material is structured clearly and effectively according to its form and achieves impact. Writing conventions are used accurately. The idea of conflicting tension in teenage friendships when romance enters the picture is convincingly developed with originality (first criterion). A range of observations are effectively integrated to create a sustained and immediate impression of the “slice in time” conveyed in the short story (see bold).

Writing is crafted, controlled and commands attention throughout (second criterion). A range of sentences types and lengths are effectively handled to convey the impressions and situation of the deserted friend. A range of diction and original phrases are employed (see bold). Varied sentence lengths used, including the short sentence for focus and impact, such as “And she knew it.” Some lapses of fluency are acceptable (see italicised).

Three months.

As per usual, she had her back turned towards me. No surprises there, even without that pose I knew I was ignored. But I would not play her game and mask invisibility, instead I casually slid into the same booth, emboldened by my bitterness. Her appearance seemed unchanged; sunlight locked in copper tendrils of hair, the latest fashion statement meticulously displayed of course complemented by enough makeup to hide the slightest rebellion of blemishes. In other words, she was like the tragic princess, dragged into hardship by none other then myself, the ugly, plain and painfully black and white villain. I’d play the part for now, just to let her indulge in the role of the victim.

Now that I was sitting opposite her in some trendy café, the well-practised words fled my brain. And she knew it. She hadn’t expected to see me here, perhaps she was waiting for the famous Tom and wanted me to disappear before he arrived. But I had enough pride not to ask her. We hadn’t spoken for three months, which seemed a short time in the duration of our friendship. Thirteen years it had spanned, through the eras of kindergarten, primary, intermediate and finally high school. I had once worn that statistic like a badge of honour, but now it felt more than an award for endurance.

I should have said something which cut into the mocking superiority she presented. For all the effort it took to read her face, I might as well have been illiterate. But she always knew my thoughts, well at least to the depth of her understanding. That’s why I couldn’t fathom why she had done it. Since we were twelve she had been abandoned me for the opposite sex, and her latest “true love” had cost our friendship dearly. Not only was I placed second when she met

Writing is structured effectively to have impact (third criterion). The opening comments catch the reader’s attention and are developed and explained throughout the narrative and returned to in the closing comments.

Writing conventions used accurately (fourth criterion). Occasional random errors are acceptable.

the gorgeous, oh-so-cool Tom, but I was left alone on the streets of Wellington, alone for seven hours while they sauntered around town doing god knows what. After we returned to Christchurch Sophie was greeted with my icy neglect. I had tolerated enough of her ideals of friendship and decided she was not worth the pain or anger. I only acknowledged her now because our parents were desperate for some resolve, in all honesty I think they were affected more than I was.

And even after three months, one look at Sophie was all it took to call my anger back. But before any words could struggle out of my mouth, she spoke first.

“I’m sorry.” She mumbled, rejecting my attempts of eye contact. With those two words she doused the fire of my rage. Instead pity flowed through me, as deep and strong as the Waimakariri river. She would never change. She was trapped, a slave to her somewhat obsessive perception of love. She considered me “too paranoid around guys”, and I knew with a deepset certainty that she expected me to forgive her and carry on as if she never left me for Tom, never pretended that I wasn’t standing right in front of her. But a lot can change in three months; the seasons of the year, the ages of two once best friends. And myself.

I stood up and smiled to let her know I was not angry. “I’ve gotta go, I’m meeting up with Rachel at the mall.” I announce, turning my head to readjust my shoelace, fast enough for her to pretend that I hadn’t seen the relief on her face. “See ya then.” She farewelled me with a false smile, knowing I wanted to be gone as much as she. I waved and then stepped outside.

Once at the mall I met up with Dale, the boyfriend Sophie would never believe me capable of having, and for that left in ignorance. I don’t Sophie could’ve handled the concept of me not being single and experienced in the boyfriend/girlfriend department, so I did her a favour. I left her thinking that I was “too paranoid around guys”, left the princess in the tragedy she adored.