8 tips for parenting and supporting a college student€¦ · parenting & supporting a college...
TRANSCRIPT
8 Tips for Parenting and Supporting a College StudentNew Student Orientation 2019
Presenter Contact Information
• Dr. Re’Shanda Grace-Bridges
– Director of Student Transitions & Family Programs
• Debra Monk
– Associate Dean of Students
The following PowerPoint presentation has been adapted from the NSO 2019 Parenting & Supporting a College Student session. The hope is that this presentation will be a valuable tool for UD parent/family members to reference as you transition from parenting an adolescent to parenting an adult.
Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact either presenter listed below.
Overview
Learning Outcomes
After reviewing this presentation you will be able to:• Acknowledge UD’s commitment to “Challenge and Support”• Define resiliency as it relates to the college student experience • Articulate what the lack of resiliency looks like in college students• Identify 8 tips for parenting and supporting a college student and incorporate one
or more into your parenting approach • Recognize the developmental growth that is expected of your student as UD faculty,
staff, and administration support and prepare them for post graduate life
Parent Tip #1
1) Acknowledge the transition (theirs and YOURS) and create space to reflect
Parent Tip #1
Plan down time when you get home. It is perfectly normal to feel a bit crazy, emotional, and/or overwhelmed.
Parent Tip #2
2) Ask yourself… How does one learn to manage stress, anger and disappointment?
Parent Tip #2
Resiliency…that’s how!
This is an important life skill that all students need in preparation for the ‘real world.’ Imagine if you hadn’t developed resiliency.
ResiliencyThe ability to rebound from adverse situations using coping skills in order to return to a subjectively normal level of functioning.
College is HARD… it is supposed to be hard. Also Hard…
Interpersonal conflict Doing the right thing Leaving a place or situation you like Speaking up for yourself Managing fear Telling the truth when it will disappoint
or anger others
A lack of resiliency looks like this…• Fragility – break down in the face of
challenge or disappointment• Entitlement – I work hard therefore I
deserve or shouldn’t have to deal with…
• Expectations – Problems will be solved by others or should not be a part of their college experience.
• Responsibility – difficulty taking personal responsibility for choices
Resiliency
Long term effects if you solve it for them…• Reinforces self doubt.• Reinforces the belief that others are
responsible for your happiness. • Impacts ability to lead and supervise
others.• Reinforces that they should not have
to deal with life events if they are busy or stressed.
• Reinforces that life is fair and that fairness is to be set up and maintained by others.
Symptomatic phrases you might hear:
“I can’t handle this.”
“Nothing I do is going to work so why try?”
“Why am I the only one having to deal with this?”
“It’s not fair!”
“How am I supposed to concentrate on my work with him/her being like this?”
Resiliency
Your “baby” is now a young adult! Now it is time to help them HELP THEMSELVES…
• Ask questions (maybe even role play the situation)• Brain storm with them as they might with others in the
future• Don’t buy into the “that is only going to make it worse.”
Seeking assistance and talking things out with someone you are in conflict with is a life skill.
• Share potential examples, if a similar situation were happening to you in your work place, what might you do to resolve it?
Know that you, better than anyone else, knows when your child is truly in a state of harmful distress whereby they are in need of mental health intervention and therefore it is necessary for you to become more involved in the resolution.
“But that’s my BABY!”
Parent Tip #3
3) Adjust your parenting style
Parent Tip #3
Helicopter no more…transition to the “submarine” parenting approach
You might be a helicopter parent if…
• You check your students emails
• You know your student’s passwords
• Make their appointments• Manage their health• Call institutions to
intervene before the student has done it themselves.
• Remind them of of daily tasks.
• Require daily check ins
Submarine Parenting
– Be Accessible in case of real ‘danger’ or ‘emergency.’
– Provide support without ‘hand holding’
– Be mostly out of sight, help them break the habit of running to you for every problem.
– Be present. Ask questions first instead of automatically offering advice.
– Guide decision making rather making the decision
– Ask them what they need and want in terms of communication & visits
Parent Tip #4
Try new language…take ‘no’ out of your vocabulary…
Parent Tip #4
1. “I won’t…”,
2. “My expectation is…”,
3. “Ok, let me know your plans so that I can know what is going on.”
4. “Are you asking for my help or just telling me something?”
Replace ‘no’ with:
Supporting Transition
• Allow independence (be uncomfortable with it)
• Treat them as an adult
• Be clear about your expectations
• Check in when expectations are not being met, but do it differently than you might have done yesterday
• Follow through on consequences…stick to them
• Try new language (examples to the right), you just may see new responses
“I’m worried” “I’m Concerned”
“What you need to do is…”
“You need to buckle down
and get through it.”
“That seems like a lot to manage, how are you
dealing with it?”
“I want to encourage you to…”
You still get to have expectations!
• What are your academic expectations?
• How are adults expected to act in your family?
• You are no longer in charge of rules, you set your own boundaries and confront them when they have not acted as a courteous adult. “When you stay out past
midnight, we prefer you stay at a friends rather than coming home. We don’t sleep well knowing the house isn’t locked and secured for the night.”
“We have been working toward your becoming an engineer for years. If you find you want to change majors, we support you but please know we have only financially planned for a four year degree.”
“As you know, we have dinner with Granny every Sunday. How do you plan to stay connected to
Granny while you are away?”
“We love having you home over break! We hope to spend time with you but
know you will want to catch up with old friends. What is
your plan?”
Parent Tip #5
5) Expect obstacles and hardships
Parent Tip #5
Be Empathetic, Patient & Understanding
•Majors change
• Friends come and go
• Students experience this journey differently
• Think through in advance how you will react when they call with a problem.
• Send them to find the recourses, Academic, Wellbeing, Roommate conflicts, Mean People Problems, etc... We are here and we have those services.
• It is OK to not know the answer, it is actually better than giving incorrect information.
• Create a support system for yourself, this is a hard transition for parent/family members also!
Our Recommendations…
How Will You React?
• Some things will go wrong.
• Some things will not be fair.
• Someone is going to act weird and post mean things online.
• Someone is going to lie.
• A class is going to be harder than expected.
What do you think you should do about it?
Have you checked the
website, etc.?
Have you thought about calling someone
about it?
Do you want me to help you brainstorm this one?
What did your advisor say?
What do you think you could do
differently to get a different reaction?
I don’t know what to do either, but I’m here and ready
to talk it through with you.Is there anything I can
do to help you get back on track?
I know this is hard. What
do you need?
Parent Tip #6
6) Their growth can be seen month by month, not solely by academic year
Parent Tip #6
Role model the change in relationship, they will follow your lead.
I have less time to call you and push back on too much communication.
I went on a long weekend trip to the Grand Canyon and didn’t tell you I was
going.
Wow. Having the flu at school is terrible. I should have gone to the health center much earlier than I
did. I’m glad you told me about Tamaflu.
I think I can be at grandma’s birthday if I don’t go home for a
few weeks and get ahead of things.
I’M FINE! #*%$*&# I yelled at you on the phone in front
of everyone to prove that I really
want to go but can’t.
I guess you are going to have to take off work and come get me.
You think that all I care about is being
with my friends.
Parent Tip #7
7) Sometimes people are jerks. Raise your hand if you know a jerk.
Parent Tip #7
All are Welcome at UD…yes this means its possible that some may be jerks!
Let your student find their own way of managing the jerks in their life
Our students need to find their own ways of dealing with the things we have encountered and will encounter all of our life.
Parent Tip #8
8) Call us...
Parent Tip #8
After listening, questioning, following up, and processing…it may be the perfect time for the submarine to emerge.
Call us (or the most appropriate University department) so we can support both of you through clarification, resources, and suggestions.
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