8 steps to help you heal after divorce

2 www.SmartDivorceNetwork.com

Introduction

Have you ever noticed how some people

seem to thrive after a divorce and others

seem to wither away? Divorce is one of

those life changing events that can go

either way depending on how you handle it.

If you want to be happy and live a full rich

life after your divorce, you'll need to take

proactive steps to ensure you heal properly.

No matter how distraught you are right now, please know that things will get better

-- MUCH better in fact -- if you take steps below.

Step 1: Forgiveness Is the Road to Happiness and Peace of Mind

Divorce almost always causes intensely negative emotions: animosity, bitterness,

wounded pride, rejection, resentment, and jealousy just to name a few. Like battery

acid, these negative emotions are corrosive to your inner being. Unless you purge

them, or at least dilute them a great deal,

they will continue to eat away at you until

they completely destroy your life.

Furthermore, this corrosive emotional

destruction can easily spread to other

people in your life, including your children.

The best way to purge these corrosive

emotions is by forgiving your ex-spouse.

Before you balk at this idea, please continue

reading!

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It is the key to

restoring your peace of mind after the trauma of a divorce. You may think that you

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could never forgive your ex-spouse. He or she may have said and/or done things that

hurt you so deeply that you just don't think it is possible to forgive them. However,

you need to understand that when you forgive someone, truly forgive them, you

actually receive more benefit from this beneficent act than they do! Forgiveness is

basically a detox program for your soul. When you truly forgive someone who has

hurt you deeply, it resets your emotional system so you can begin to feel happy

again. It removes the sting out of what they did to hurt you. Thus, forgiveness is the

key to your healing process after a divorce. Forgiving your ex-spouse doesn't mean

you condone what they said or did. It just means that you are making a conscious

and deliberate decision to release your intensely negative emotions toward your ex-

spouse so that you can begin to heal. At the same time, if you have children, you'll

create a better situation for them.

Step 2: Pleasant Diversions and Trying New Experiences

After a divorce, people tend to shut

themselves off from the world. It's a natural

inclination to just want to hibernate at

home. Often times too, when new

divorcees do interact socially, they do so

with an emotionally numb shield. This is not

healthy for you! After a short period of

mourning, it is important that you break out

of this funk. One of the easiest ways to do

this is to intentionally try new experiences.

Make sure they are pleasant diversions that

will totally get your mind off of the divorce and what led up to that painful event.

Look for activities that are interesting and fun. Interacting with other people can be

helpful too but make sure you keep this light and don't put any unneeded social

pressure on yourself.

Many community colleges offer fun low cost adult classes. These include

entertaining classes like landscape photography, how to make sushi, fictional



writing, auto mechanics, ceramics, water painting, and beer making. If you like to

play sports, you could join a racquetball league at a local health club, or for

something a little different, take up Frisbee golf at one of the local parks. You could

also take sailing lessons or join a baseball/softball team. If you like nature, you could

join a nature oriented club for hiking, bird watching, astronomy, mushroom forays,

or rock hounding. Many communities offer group drum circles or ukulele groups

which include other beginners as well as good-hearted advanced musicians willing

to pass on the joy of making music to you. The point is to dive into something new

and different and fun that will help get your mind off the pain of the divorce!

Step 3: Consider Getting a Pet

There is perhaps nothing more soothing and

comforting than a pet. This is why many

hospitals, nursing homes, and shelters bring in

animals for therapy. In fact, they call them

"therapy dogs" or "therapy cats". In fact, pets

are often recommended for children who

have been severely bullied or been through

another type of tragedy. Pets show

unconditional love, lower your blood

pressure, and stimulate you to release more

oxytocin which automatically makes you feel

good! Their playful antics will make you laugh

and they'll snuggle up with you in bed if you let them.

If you adopt a dog or cat from a shelter, you will also have a rewarding feeling

knowing that you are rescuing an animal in need. Sometimes helping another living

being in crisis is the best cure to getting over your own trouble. If you and/or your

children have allergies, there are many hypoallergenic breeds of cats and dogs you

can choose from.



Step 4: Eat Healthier Than Ever

After the divorce, you may be

tempted to use food as a crutch.

After all, you probably feel

emotionally handicapped.

Unfortunately, however, in this state

of mind, people often make poor

dietary choices. Instead of eating

healthy, they tend to eat lots of junk

food and overly processed take-out food. This is why so many people gain a lot of

weight and their overall health deteriorates after a divorce.

When you are depressed and stressed, your body is far more susceptible to disease,

endocrine disruptions, cardiovascular disease, blood sugar fluctuations, and

gastrointestinal issues. If you are not careful, your cortisol levels can go through the

roof reaping havoc on your whole body. Therefore, the period after a divorce is a

time to eat HEALTHIER, not worse! While it can be healing to have some comfort

food around, make sure this food is healthy comfort food. Fix a big pot of delicious

homemade soup. Instead of chips with artificial flavorings, prepare some

homemade healthy dip with avocado, fresh tomatoes, cilantro, fresh lemon, and a

little red onion. Alternately, how about homemade bean dip with fresh roasted

garlic? When you have a serious craving, don't run through the fast food window,

hit a salad bar and load up on all your nutrient dense favorites! You'll heal much

faster if you take care of health!

Step 5: Find Ways to Reduce Stress

A divorce creates stress no matter how amiable it is. To combat the negative impacts

of this, you need to make sure you are setting aside special time to de-stress. In fact,

you should make this one of your top priorities. Try to figure out what melts away

your stress the best and make sure you do this multiple times a week. For example,



some people find it very relaxing to lay in the

bed and listen to their favorite music. Others

find that a walk in a park calms them down the

most. Still others may find needlecraft or

woodworking the most helpful in reducing

stress.

You should also be open to trying new things

to reduce your stress too. For example, you

may want to try yoga or tai chi if you have

never tried it before. Almost all communities

offer classes in these techniques. You can also

find lots of instruction on YouTube and other

online venues. Exercise of any kind is a good

way to relieve your stress. Even if you are a

rank beginner, you could try kick boxing,

jazzercise, pool aerobics, or riding recumbent bicycles. Some people, women in

particular, find riding horses particularly stress reducing.

Step 6: Take a Much Needed Vacation

Sometimes after a divorce, it helps a lot to have a complete change of scenery. Even

if you can't afford to go on an extravagant vacation, you could potentially take a road

trip for a few days just to get away and

collect your thoughts. You'll come back

refreshed and in a better frame of mind to

do the things you need to do to heal after

your divorce.

If you have kids, you may want to consider

taking two vacations, one with the kids and

one without them. The vacation you take

with your children can be devoted mostly to helping them heal. However, no matter



how much you love your children and how well behaved they are, it would do you

good to get away by yourself for a few days. If you can't leave them with you ex-

spouse, leave them with a trusted family member or friend so you will know they

are safe and well taken care of. This way, you can relax and really take the time to

concentrate on healing yourself on your trip.

Step 7: Help Your Children with Their Emotions Too

Children of a divorced couple very often

feel the divorce was somehow their fault.

This is a very heavy burden for a child to

carry and you should make sure to do

everything you can to allay this trepidation.

Be sure to tell your children that the divorce

was not their fault. You may have to repeat

this message many times for it to truly sink

in because children can be really stubborn about taking blame. Children also often

feel they may lose their connection with one of their parents after a divorce. Be sure

to comfort them in this department too and make sure they know they will be

spending time with both parents. Related to this, try your best to refrain from

speaking negatively about your ex-spouse around the children.

Keep in mind too that divorce affects older children too. Even if your children are

already grown and living on their own, you may need to help them through their

emotions after the divorce. No matter how old a child gets, the loving support of a

parent is more comforting than anything else in the world.

Step 8: Keep Friendly With the In-laws and Extended Family

It is often said that when you get married, you not only marry your spouse, you also

marry his or her family. You welcome into the fold a whole new batch of parents,

siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins. Over time, these new family

members become as interwoven into the fabric of your life as your biological family.



You have mutual experiences that bond you together over holidays and special

events. If have children, these new family members become forever part of that very

special life changing experience.

After a divorce, some people attempt to sever all ties with their ex-spouse's family.

In other words, they attempt to divorce his

family too. Some divorcees may also spread

the negative emotions they may feel

toward their ex-spouse onto his family.

However, to do so only exacerbates an

already negative situation. Further, it

makes healing all the more tougher. You

cannot erase the shared experiences that

you have had with your ex-spouse's family and they will forever be connected to you

before of this. If you have children, they are your children's family too which makes

them even more integral post-divorce life. It will be much healthier for all concerned,

including yourself, if you keep your relationship with this part of your family as

amiable as possible. Yes, you will need an adjustment period because of the divorce

but it is in your best interest, and that of your children if you have them, to maintain

ties and keep it as loving and nurturing as you possibly can.

Concluding Thoughts

If you allow yourself to wallow in misery after a divorce, that is what your whole life

will become. You may also see your health deteriorate and your relationships with

others go south as well. On the other hand, if you focus on the proactive steps

described above, your post-divorce life can be rich and rewarding. No matter what

state of mind you are in currently, please know that you can and will heal if you take

the necessary steps to do -- and it doesn't have to be painful to do so! Divorce does

not have to affect the rest of your life and you CAN be happy and fulfilled again!

Take care and good luck!


8 steps to help you heal after divorce

Lifestyle