14 Questions for 2014

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Ready for a Happier New Year?by Linda Ferguson, NLP Canada Training Inc.

7 Steps to a Happier New Year!Welcome. Do you have a cup of tea or coffee? Please, find what you need to be comfortable and let’s have a conversation. If you were hoping this would be a stern lecture about writing down your goals and finding the drive and focus to achieve them, please don’t let me slow you down. Just use your drive and focus to write down your goals and get busy.If you’re still here, you’re like me. You hate to be lectured and you are far from sure that writing goals or making resolutions is the best way to prepare for a new year. You might even feel a little guilty, as if you should be better at writing out clear, forceful goals, as if you should have a plan and work the plan, as if “should” were a good way to live.I’m taking an online course which arrives as one assignment per week in my inbox. I got stuck on week two, which began with goal setting. When I looked at what other people were saying (there’s an online community for homework), I noticed a lot of people disappear between week 1 and week 2. Goals are hard work. Actually, I love hard work, but I only do hard work once I’ve done the important work. The important work is the preparation, and if it does not have energy and curiosity and something beautiful, then I am not ready to do the hard work. So this is a conversation about the important work, and after you complete it, you’ll be able to think differently about whether you are ready to do the hard work of setting goals which you will pursue with focus and drive until you have achieved them.

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If we were sitting comfortably in my office, perhaps with tea and chocolate, you would find yourself doing most of the talking. Sometimes I would ask you a question, or tell a story, or make a comment that seemed to be a bit off track, and you would find that you had things to explore and exploring them out loud was useful. We’re not in my office, so you will have to explore on paper (or on screen) or by letting your thoughts wander through your response as I ask you 14 questions. There are 14 questions because we are preparing for 2014.There are questions because I am almost as well known for asking good questions as I am for baking amazing banana bread. There are questions because the answers you are seeking are already inside you and questions are a good way to set them in motion. And there are questions because they are a little like riddles and the end of the year is a good time to play.These questions are special because they are less about finding one answer and more about wandering around your mind, gathering feelings and ideas that will be useful to you in the coming year. They relate to seven steps which will elicit seven states of mind and body which you will find enormously helpful in preparing for a year that is happier than you expect.As you answer the questions, you will be practicing the states. That’s why each of them is listed as a verb and not a noun. They are things you do. You want to practice them often so that you can live in them when they are useful and not only when outside circumstances create them or support them. There is no point in waiting for happiness. Time is limited. You might as well learn to be happy more often in more situations just because it feels good and makes you more productive.

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Are you wondering about these 7 useful states? That’s a great way to start. Here are the 7 states we will explore through 14 questions to prepare for 2014:

Wonder. What comes to mind when you hear wonder? It’s a combination of curiosity and being dazzled by what you perceive, with just a dash of the nice kind of wandering.Listen. There’s noise everywhere (including inside your head). What changes when you heighten your awareness and offer all your attention so that you can hear something you need?Connect. Almost everything happens through connection, through finding different things in ourselves and bringing them together or through finding common ground with the people and situations around us.Imagine. Imagination is not just for the kids and the creatives. It is the act of forming a representation of something that is not present or not real so that we can make a mental model of what ifs.Move. While we sometimes say unkind things about people who do something for the sake of keeping busy, movement is a way of instructing yourself to look for ways and places to make change happen.Make. I love this word. It is more grounded than create and yet it means much the same thing. It sounds like something you do with your hands to shape and combine and build. It’s about turning a thought into a result.Shine. When you shine a flashlight, it is not about making the flashlight feel good. It’s about putting light where light is useful. When you shine, you allow the people around you to see better (and you feel good).

Not ready to shine yet? Good. We have 12 questions before we get there.

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Wonder���7

What will be different in 2014?!It’s not all about you. The weather will be different. Your community will change a little. People will be born and die and fall in and out of love. Some of this will be predictable and some of it will come as a surprise. No one thought 2013 would be the year that a storm system got stuck over Toronto and water snakes swam in GO trains. Stuff happens.Instead of freaking out or getting stuck, spend a little time wondering about what you will notice when you look back at 2014. No change is too small. Maybe this is the year you start drinking more green tea or the year you finally make it out to that program you have been planning to visit for years.Not everything that is different in 2014 will be unfamiliar. You might wonder whether you’ll spend an extra week at the cottage or get out for a walk more often. You might retrieve a brilliant idea that didn’t work then and see if it works now. An old friend might come back into your life.If you’re stumped, just look around and wonder: will what I’m looking at now look exactly the same a year from now? Let the little changes nudge you toward the change you’re a little afraid to see.!

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What was a bright spot in 2013?!Some of you had better years than others in 2013. My own year began with 5 months of back problems severe enough that I couldn’t stand for long. Business was slow and the book I had launched after many years of trying got put into dry dock for a little more work. It would be easy to write off the year and move on.Except for the warmth of the waves in Varadero, and the freedom of having the whole beach to myself in early mornings on the north shore of PEI. Except that in my mind’s eye I see many different smiles, moments when a connection was exactly right. Except that life is seldom all of one piece or all of one texture and even years that are mostly grey have bright spots.I wonder what your bright spots were. Do you wonder too? Let your mind wander through places and people and moments until you find an instant that was exactly right. Be curious about every detail of what was working and alive and energizing about that moment. It’s okay if some of your bright spots were at offices. Maybe they happened during tough negotiations or when you solved a tricky engineering problem. Be curious about what and when and who made the moment possible.It feels good to relive good experiences. It also gives you the picture on the top of the jigsaw puzzle so that you can build more bright spots out of the fragments you find in 2014.

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Listen���10

What stories are you hearing?!At this very moment, you are surrounded by stories. They are in the places you expect, like movies and television shows and dramatic sports events. And they are in places that you don’t expect, like the line up at the mall or the seat next to you at the coffee shop. Almost all of these stories float in one ear and out the other. You do not even notice that they passed through your mind.Some of them stick. They catch in your attention and become the movie you want to see, the book that everyone seems to be talking about, or the game that you couldn’t possibly miss. These stories are your stories, even if you do not make them or tell them. They have a message for you, from you.Don’t guess at the message until after you have noticed the stories that you are hearing. Make a list of all the stories you have given even a little attention this week and this month. Remember your favourite holiday stories. Notice someone beginning a story and tune up your ears for listening. Each story is a pattern of states and choices and behaviours and connections. Each story is a possible way for you to get there from here.So what movie is your must-see at the end of 2013? Remember that the best way to hear the story is with all your senses, fully engaged in the moment. Analysis comes much later if it comes at all. You don’t need analysis but you do need to listen. It’s the way your brain makes connections. It’s the way you work best.

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What do you hear about you?!It’s a funny thing. If I asked you about a time someone said something that hurt or criticized you, you would be able to remember the moment as if it were happening all over again. You’d remember where you were and when it was and what words were used. It would all be there.But I’m not going to ask you to listen to that. If you’re reading this, you probably have already heard every criticism from the voice in your head. By the time someone else says it, it is old news. Instead, I want you to hear something new: the voice of people who like or respect you talking about you. I want you to let the good stuff just sink in.This may take some practice. If you are like many of us, as soon as you notice someone about to say something nice, you start to interrupt. You offer thanks, of course, but also distraction. Before the compliment lands, you are already uncomfortable and starting to move.During the holidays, people are likely to say something nice (whether or not it is true). Before you decide that it is not important or not true, your assignment is to really hear it. Suspend judgment and hear what has been said in the same way you would hear it if it had been said about someone you like and respect.And then, just for a moment, wonder how life might be different because what you heard is true.

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Connect���13

What parts of your life do you want to connect better?!I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel that I am going in three directions at once. Especially as one year ends and another begins in the dark and the cold, I am aware of places where all the different parts of me should come together. Instead, some things seem to have come apart at the seams.You are only one person. Logically, you know that you carry that one person into all your different places and relationships and roles. That’s not always how it feels. Sometimes it feels like one part of you is blind to another part, like you have to exert a lot of willpower just to keep you together.So move the pieces closer together. It may take several tries before you find the fit and a piece clicks into place. I often watch people building jigsaw puzzles. Even when they are holding the right piece, they might have to turn it several different ways before they realize that it is the piece they have been seeking.Think of one part of your life and fill in all the sensory data and feelings that you would have if you were experiencing it now. Then blink or stretch to clear your mind. Now think of a different part of your life, a piece that feels disconnected from the first. Fill in all the sensory data and feelings that you would have if you were experiencing it now. When it is really clear and vivid, add the data and feelings from the other part of your life. For a few minutes, you might feel a little disoriented. Your inner geography just changed. Where once there was space, there is now a border.

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Who is already helping you?!I have no doubt that there are times when you feel very alone. It doesn’t even help much to know, in your head, that other people feel that way too. What does help is to pay more attention to the people who are already helping you.It’s nice to pay attention to people who are deliberately making a choice to help you. But those are not the only people who help. Others help just by being who they are. It might be a two year old with a smile as big as she is, or a brave friend fighting battles of her own, or someone who makes you believe that it is possible (maybe not for you, but for someone) to keep it together under difficult circumstances. Whoever they are, these people let you get outside your own head and observe good things at work in the world.Think about them. Be curious about them. Be curious about what draws your attention and what you respect and how you feel about being helped. You cannot really stop being helped. Everyone helps sometimes. Everyone gets help. It’s not so much our intention as it is the way the equipment works. Our brains depend on input from other people almost as much as they depend on input from our bodies. We are born wired for connection.That’s why it feels good. Strange, a little unsafe, but good. Help comes from sources we do not expect in ways we could not predict. Help comes from people who are so different from us that it’s a stretch to connect at all. The important thing is that help comes. Look around and find the traces it has been leaving in your life.

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Imagine���16

What could you do?!Do not start by deciding what you will do. That’s hard and it is easy to make the wrong commitment. I think you know what I mean. You’ve spent too much of your life chasing the wrong goals because of decisions you made at the wrong time or with the wrong information.Start by imagining what you could do. Just imagine.What could you do to change just one thing about your work or your business? What would be involved? Who would be involved? What would change because that one thing changed?What could you do to nurture a strength that you have not been using lately? It can be hard to recognize strengths when you are not using them. They get a little out of shape, a little soft around the edges. So pretend that long, long ago you were braver or more creative or more spontaneous or more calm. And then pretend you will do something in 2014 that encourages you to be that thing that was something of a strength some time ago. What would you be doing?What small step could you take that would make a difference for someone else? It is hard to see change in our own lives. It is easier to see the effects of our efforts in someone else’s life or work. We watch the change happen and learn something about how we ourselves can change in good ways.You are not setting goals in stone. You are just imagining a future that has not yet happened and may not happen. Imagining is free. You could do it more.

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How will you feel?!Did you know that researchers (and common experience) say that people - even you - are notoriously bad at predicting emotional responses. So if you build a to-do list for 2014 on results you think will make you happy, you might be disappointed.Instead, how about building a list of things you want to feel in 2014? Which good feelings come to mind first? Are they the warm fuzzy ones or the cool energizing ones? Are they more of what you’re feeling now or the opposite of what you’re feeling now?What if emotional intelligence begins with knowing which feelings will tell us we’re on track? We could practice having those feelings by remembering when we had experienced them in the past. And then we could trust that all our unconscious choices would begin to direct us toward having those feelings again in the future. Maybe we only get happier by valuing happiness enough to create a really strong internal representation of what we mean by happy.The only way to test this hypothesis is to spend a little time trying on different feelings until you find the ones that fit best for 2014. Imagine times you felt things that felt right or powerful or happy. Linger in those memories long enough to explore them. Ask yourself, “is this what I want in 2014?”You might want to make some notes. Imagine how you’ll feel when you review them and notice how precisely you have chosen thoughts and behaviours that created the feelings you wanted to have.

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Move���19

What will you do NOW?!Did you ever just need to move? I know that taking off in the first direction that comes to mind is not always a good idea. Neither is staying stuck. Life moves and we are happiest when we are moving too.So what could you do right now that would be safe?It doesn’t have to be productive. We can often only judge how productive something was after we have done it and sparked reactions that prove to be useful.It doesn’t have to be big. Big is often a sign that we have become so scared of being stuck that any alternative seems preferable to the one we have. That is not often true. Big is not typically a safe choice.So what is left? Begin with simple physical movement: a walk, a run, dancing, or a trip to the gym. Even climbing the stairs is a start.Next, make a mental move. Not first. Your first move is physical, a sign to all the hidden layers of yourself that it is time to move. Your next move can be internal, intellectual, analytical. Let your mind move over and through a problem or a vision or a relationship. Deliberately shift your point of view. Look closer, farther, and through the eyes of someone different than you are. Prowl around it like a kitten with a new toy.Make notes. Draw pictures. Use your hands to push your mind a little farther.Do something. Do something safe. Do something now.

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How will you help NOW?!One safe move is to do something that will make a tangible difference in someone else’s life. This is about being a good person (obviously you want to be a good person). But more than this, it is about taking a closer look at how good things happen on purpose.The method is pretty simple: identify an opportunity to do something that will have a positive impact for someone in your circle of influence. Do something about it. Observe the results. Repeat as necessary.Help is doing something that is within your power that will support or inspire the behaviour of another person. You are not directly influencing anyone: you are offering one piece of the puzzle to support their well-being or achievement. It might be something very small and hard to notice. You might be the viola part in the orchestra or the salt in the recipe. You will have to sharpen your perception to observe the difference you have made.Don’t take my word for it. Try it. Make a small change in your life and then try to notice whether it worked and how you should measure it and whether it was influenced by things outside your control. And then, when your head is spinning with uncertainty, go do something nice for someone else. See the smile or the change in their posture or really listen to the way their voice changes when they speak. These are the first small signs of difference.Do it more than once. You don’t build fitness with one trip to the gym, and you don’t build acuity with just one change to observe.

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Make���22

What do you already make?!Make. Produce. Create. Develop. Build. We have different words for what we do when our actions bring something new into the world, something that did not exist until we made it and would not exist if we had not made it.There may be days in which you wonder if the only thing you can make is a mess. That might be true. A mess is often a necessary step, a mixing of things that are not normally mixed out of which new order and new relationships might appear. A mess is a sign that action is beginning to make change happen.You might not think of yourself as a hands-on person, and the thing that you make might be “I make other people do stuff.” That suggests an element of force that seems out of keeping with the spirit of helping, unless you are helping. Maybe you make people take the one extra step that shows them they are already stronger or more capable than they believe themselves to be.Are you making the best of a bad situation? To do that, you are usually also making do with what you have and making movement happen in a situation that would have someone else stuck. You are using your hands to stir the pot or give something a push.What do you make? Do you make beds, make dinner, make reports or make things happen? Do you like to make things with your hands or to make things up? When you think of yourself as a maker, you might be surprised how many things would be different without your making.

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What else could you make?!Now wonder what else you could be making. Begin with the obvious. You could make the bed or make dinner or make an effort to do that thing that you have been meaning to do.What else could you make? Could you make something with your hands or could you make yourself try something you have not tried before? When something comes to mind, could you sit with it, imagine it, allow yourself to feel it, before you start to doubt that you can do it?It only takes a moment to imagine. It only takes a moment to connect what you are making now with some new element or action that would make it something different. You could simply notice a possibility. And then you could listen to the voices in your head, the ones that doubt, the ones that hope, the one that says “I want this.” Allow yourself to wonder, “what if. . .”These are two of my favourite questions: “what else” and “what if.” They open up a bigger world where what I am making is connection and opportunity. “What else” and “what if” are doors that open into interesting places crammed with stuff that does not exist where you are sitting now. Keep asking yourself “what else” and “what if” and you will find that the genie in the bottle is making a mess as the room around you becomes crowded with possibilities.You can always make a mess. Anyone can make a mess. And then you can sort through the mess and make something new out of the pieces you discover.

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Shine���25

What makes your eyes shine?!When I am working one on one, I am waiting to see the light in someone’s eyes. When it shines, I know that person has recognized something in themselves or in their situation that feels right. It is not always comfortable or easy, but it always means that they have found new meaning for something they have known before. And it always leads to greater focus and a sense of being whole.My eyes shine when I realize I have it all together, that whatever happens I am not going to splinter into fragments of myself. They shine when I realize that someone has seen something cool in me and I have opened myself to connect with their belief. My eyes shine when I am actively encountering some kind of beauty. I find it in small children and in art and in the moments when I focus on bravery or kindness or hope. My eyes shine when I connect with someone as they describe an idea or project or person that inspires them. What makes your eyes shine? Does your answer begin in you or in the world? Some people will notice first the feelings that put light in their eyes. For others, the first thing that comes to mind will be their connection with someone they love or respect or want to emulate. And others still will think of the world around them and find something there that makes their eyes shine.If you are still not sure what makes your eyes shine, begin by noticing the moments when someone else’s eyes are shining. You might be watching video or athletes or the line up to see Santa Claus. All around you, there are people with shining eyes. As you begin to see them, you will begin to see with eyes that shine.

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Who will you give a light?!Do you have a light? If someone asks, they are looking for your help to set a fire or to see something in the dark. When your eyes shine, it feels as though something good has happened to you. It’s equally true that when you shine you start something that could help someone else light a fire, find a path, or discover something they need in a dark place.A light is not an answer but it makes it easier to see the answers that are in the room. A light is not a comfort but it makes it easier to move with confidence. A light is not the power to take action but it can use power to reveal where action is possible. You can be a light without having the answers or the comfort or the power to change anything. You can be a light even if you are not light-hearted or light-headed or even if you are carrying something heavy.To be a light, you just have to shine. To give a light, you have to let someone see you shine. It’s not about you; it’s not about getting all puffed up with your good feelings about this particular place and time. It’s about the effect that your shining will have on someone else’s ability to see and to recognize and to move. Shining doesn’t do any good until it allows someone to move. I wonder who you want to get moving so much that you will risk letting them see you shine. It is a risk. They might stop you from shining. You might lose some light. Or you might turn your own success into a beam of light that shows someone else something they really need to see. Who will stand in your light while you shine?

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Now you’re ready to start!If you have wandered through these 14 questions, you are ready to start. Even if you think you have not answered any of them, you have noticed which ones made you think and which ones made you run. You have new information about what you think and how you feel and who else is running through your mind and having an impact on your beliefs about the coming year.If you feel like you went around in some circles, take a moment to remember that spirals are the shape of lived experience. You are one person, able to notice all that you sense and feel and think at this moment, and then able to revisit all of that when something new comes into your awareness. It is a circle and, if you are smart and lucky, the circle widens a little so that each time that your attention shifts to a part of you, that part seems a little bigger.When you are ready, you can visit the questions again, in whatever order works for you, lingering over the questions you want to answer and the hope you want grow and the goals you want to shape. You can apply all the answers to just one goal or you can use the answers as a map and begin to look for landmarks in your life and work. You can even use the questions to make you just a little happier as you answer them.For fastest progress, use what you learn to help someone else. You’ll get an immediate sense of what works and what difference it makes. You can learn, test what you learn in action, evaluate the results and learn again in a much faster cycle. And connecting reminds you that someone else needs your light. So shine!

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Companions for your PATH?!At NLP Canada Training, we put people on the PATH to positive change. PATH is a four step process for making change on purpose. We embed these steps in every event and every training. Even if you trained with us long before we gave voice to this model, you walked this PATH with us.The four steps on the path are:

Purpose. You don’t have to know exactly what you want but you must start with a direction.Action. You won’t know if you’re on the right path until you take some steps. Every action is a gateway to new and useful information.Thought. Your thought is a testing process for noticing what changed when you took the steps you chose. Even if the step was carefully planned and plotted, you need to test what happened as a result of taking it.Help. If you think you’re going the wrong way, stop and ask for directions. If you are sure that what you did was helpful to you, test by helping someone else. You’ll gain new information about how change happens and what makes it work.

You’ll learn more about this PATH to positive change with every resource posted at www.nlpcanada.com and in every event and course we offer. If a friend sent you this e-book, go to the website and sign up for our newsletter so you get regular invitations to join us on the PATH for making change on purpose.

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Happy 2014