50 funniest short job descriptions ever

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  • 8/3/2019 50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

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    50 Funniest Short Job Descriptions Ever

    Over on the Dilbert Blog,Scott Adams gave his readers

    an assignment: describe your own job in one sentence,preferably in a humorously derogatory way. Here are thebest replies from among the hundreds, with the top 10 atthe end.

    My Job Is To

    1. Read things that dont matter, then write papers saying they do matter,for points that dont matter, in order to get a job doing something totallyunrelated: Student

    2. Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper:Tax Accountant

    3. Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convincethem that the sales people really didnt say what the customers understood: CustomerSolutions Engineer

    4. Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why Im smarter than they are whilecomplaining how its a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major

    5. Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager6. Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant7. Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher

    8. Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage9. Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying

    stuff they dont need: Corporate Software Engineer10. Find as many synonyms for explosion as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys 11. Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated

    by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant12. Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director13. Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer14. Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor15. Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst16. Tell forty year-old men its okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press

    Production Coordinator17. Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant

    18. Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer ProductsTester19. Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot20. Persuade kids that its really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing

    Instructor21. Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer,

    Transportation Design22. Teach kids to be evilor so they say: Video Game Creator23. Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard24. Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot

    http://jobmob.co.il/blog/funniest-short-job-descriptions-ever/http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.htmlhttp://jobmob.co.il/blog/funniest-short-job-descriptions-ever/
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    25. Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician26. Go to strange peoples houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy 27. Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant28. Tell people that they cant spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst 29. Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician30. Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter31. Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which

    neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer32. Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector33. Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector34. Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security35. Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist36. Try not to kill the baby: Housewife37. Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer38. Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three39. Run away and call the police: Security Guard40. Copy and paste the Internet: Student

    The Top 10

    1. Help people hate each other: Divorce Lawyer (Scott Adams favorite)2. Stand on a field and get yelled at for hours: Baseball Umpire3. Talk in other peoples sleep: College Professor4. Call people who know what theyre doing and ask them what theyre doing: Incident Manager5. Show people how beautiful the Earth would be without them: Mountain Landscape

    Photographer/Climber6. Make people feel bad about their work: Quality Assurance Tester7. Repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break: IT Director8. Clean up an animal that makes more money then me in a year: Assistant Horse Trainer9. Write words that no one wants to read: Technical Writer10. Make food that is as healthy before it goes in your body as when it comes back out: Fast Food

    Employee