5 levels of listening ebook

Rosenbaum / The 5 Levels of Listening™ / 2

© Dr. Elliott B. Rosenbaum



The 5 Levels of Listening™

We often hear people say that others are not listening. This complaint gives the

impression that there are only two options when it comes to listening: listening

and not listening. But this is not the case as further study into the area of listening

shows that there are five distinct levels of listening. Each level is qualitatively

different from the others especially in terms of results. The results we achieve

with Level 2 Listening are significantly better than the results we achieve with

Level 1 Listening. Level 3 is better than Level 2, Level 4 is better than Level 3

and Level 5 is the ultimate in terms of the results we get from other people when

we listen to them. The higher the level of listening, the better the results. The

lower the level of listening, the less impressive the results.

Level 1 Listening: “Interrupting”

Level 1 Listening is the most common form of listening, and it is also the

worst. A Level 1 Listener only listens long enough to feel that they know what you



are going to say before they jump in with a response. Think about what it feels

like when you are sitting in a meeting and before you can even form your thought,

someone has already jumped on the first phrase to come out of your mouth.

Maybe they had the decency to wait for you to finish most of your first sentence

and even that was pushing it for them. We say this is the worst kind of listening

because of the poor results that it produces. Teams that operate on Level 1

Communication feel that nobody is listening to them, and that their thoughts are

not valued. If you recognize that you are a Level 1 Listener, don’t worry,

interrupting is usually nothing more than a learned behavior that has turned into a

habit. Once you learn about the higher levels of listening, you may find that you

are able to create new habits with relative ease. For others, the habit of

interruption may be more difficult to change. The underlying reason for this is that

for some people, interruption and creating an atmosphere of control and rushed

thinking is somewhat of an addiction for them. They hate having to listen to

others; they can’t stand making other people’s ideas important, because it may

mean that their ideas are not important.

I find sitting in meetings where Level 1 Listening is being employed to be

extremely frustrating. It creates a tense atmosphere where the dominant

personalities take all the space and everyone else is left feeling powerless and

disrespected. From a systemic standpoint, Level 1 Listening creates an



atmosphere that is akin to a body whose body parts are fighting against each

other. The left leg is trying to kick the right leg and the whole system topples.

Families, schools and workplaces all suffer from Level 1 Listening - from the

indignity of interruption. If I interrupt you while you are thinking, while you are

forming your thoughts, the message I am covertly sending is: My thoughts are

better and more important that yours. Honoring someone’s thinking is honoring

their selfhood, and when we cut off their thinking midstream and replace it with

our thoughts, we are telling that person that they do not matter. Breaking the

interruption habit is one of the most rewarding steps a person can take towards

becoming a great communicator.

As a school board member, I feel that I am wasting my time and talents

sitting through long

meetings where people are not allowed to speak their whole thoughts out

without being interrupted by someone who is dying to jump in with their

thoughts. How many times can I say, “Please let me finish?” At this point,

I have just shut down. This frustrates the hell out of me because I know

that school-based non-profit work is my passion and I have years of

experience in this field. I just refuse to interrupt others and it is clear that

unless I am willing to become an aggressive communicator, I am never



going to get a word in edgewise. I have resolved to find something else to

do with my time. Their loss.

Level 2 Listening: “Waiting”

Level 2 Listening is better than Level 1 because Level 2 Listeners wait for their

turn to speak. In other words, they do not interrupt others when they are

speaking. This is a huge improvement from Level 1. It feels so much more

respectful to the speaker. At the same time, Level 2 Listeners are not really

listening to what you are saying - they are listening to hear when you are done

talking so that they can speak. We may say that Level 2 Listeners are waiting for

you to stop talking.

Level 2 Listeners may not be any more aware of what is being said by the

speaker than a Level 1 Listener is, but they are at least pretending to be listening.

In their minds, Level 2 Listeners are thinking, “When will this person be done

talking, so I can talk?” Perhaps they are thinking about a response to what they

think the speaker is saying in the little time they actually listened. For a Level 1

Listener to become a Level 2 Listener, all he has to do is stop interrupting people

when they are speaking. In terms of results, the speaker may sense that the

listener is not really listening, but they will still appreciate the fact that they are



able to fully express their thoughts without being interrupted. There are far fewer

Level 2 Listeners that Level 1 Listeners, and making this shift can already begin

producing better results in personal and professional relationships.

As a salesperson for a large company, it is my job to get new contracts for

our company. The truth is, I know I am not a good listener. I know I am not

really listening to what our clients need. Instead, I already know what I want to

sell them and I am politely waiting for them to stop talking so I can make my

pitch. I am sure that I have missed out on some big opportunities to form

deeper relationships with our clients and to really help them figure out what

they most need. I will bet that it would have led to a big upsell on a number of

occasions had I only been able to listen to what they were saying. Our

company has had “active listening” training in the past, but that was really just

a superficial way of “acting like we are listening.” I have that down and I make

all the right noises on the phone “uh-hum, right, right” but would I even be able

to tell you what they had said? Not really. I would love to learn how to really

listen. I think it would help me not only professionally, but personally as well.



Level 3 Listening: “Mirroring”

Level 3 Listening is better than Level 2 Listening because the listener is

actually listening to the content of what the speaker is saying. A Level 3 Listener

will show you that they have heard what you said by repeating, rephrasing, or

mirroring, what they heard you say. They may even ask you if they heard you

right. This level of listening is relatively easy to learn and is a mainstay of many

communication techniques used by business communicators and relationship

experts. A typical mirroring exercise will ask one party to communicate what they

want to say about a specific topic in a succinct manner. The other person (the

listener) is required to listen to what is being said and then mirror back to the

speaker or rephrase what they heard. For instance, the speaker may say “I was

really angry before I went to bed last night, so I couldn’t sleep and was really tired

this morning. That’s why I was late.” The listener would then rephrase what they

heard: “So if I am hearing you right, you were really angry last night and because

of that you couldn’t sleep and you were really tired this morning. That is why you

were late. Did I get it?” If you think about it, there is no way to rephrase to a

person what they said without actually listening to some degree.

(On the other hand, it is possible to do it with half a mind: A woman I know

claims that she can rephrase what people say to her on the phone while typing an



email. This shows how adept our minds can become at Pretending That We Are

Listening – we can even repeat back to someone what they said without

processing a single word!)

Most mirroring exercises do not require you to process the deeper meanings of

the statement, just to reflect back to the speaker the content of what they said.

Making sense of the deeper meanings of what is being said is a feature of Level 4

Listening.

The problem with Level 3 Listening is that it is only somewhat helpful to reflect

back to someone what they have just told you. It would not be unusual for

someone to feel that you are just parroting their words and say “That’s what I just

said!” Level 3 Listening is missing the component of empathy, where the listener

puts themselves into the speaker’s shoes and attempts to understand the

speaker’s point of view. At the same time, it is certainly a step up from Level 2

Listening because it requires people to stop their own thoughts for a moment and

makes them focus on what the speaker is saying. Knowing that they will have to

rephrase the speaker’s words to the speaker’s satisfaction makes people listen

because they do not want to be told “No, you did not get it. That’s not at all what I

said.”

The mere fact that people are actually listening to the content of what is being

said (even if they do not empathize with the speaker, or are doing it without fully



processing the content) can feel like a miracle just happened. Going from an

environment where interruption and distraction while people speak is the norm to

Level 3 Listening can be a major shift in a business or personal relationship.

Moving from Level 2 to Level 3 requires practice. Medical units use Level 3

Communication because when one professional passes the information to

another professional, they want to make sure the receiver of the message actually

received the message. The next time someone says something important to you,

reflect back or rephrase what you heard them say and ask them if you got it. You

may want others to practice with you when you are communicating something

important to them. Ask them to rephrase in their own words what they heard you

say.

As a parent, I often find myself at odds with my teenage daughter regarding

what clothes she chooses to wear. Our arguments have never been

productive in the past so I decided to read a book on parenting which

suggested that I try mirroring her. Recently, she wanted to go out on a Friday

night wearing a very short skirt. Even though I really wanted to scream

something about her going out naked, I held myself back and decided to ask

her why she wanted to wear that outfit. She said “I don’t know, it’s what

everybody else is wearing.” I said to her “You want to wear that because it’s

what everybody else is wearing. Is that right?” She said “Yes, that’s what I just



said.” So I just said “Ok. Makes sense.” She kind of looked at me quizzically

and then left (which is what she normally does anyway). But there was

something different about this time, she seemed to walk away a little unsure of

herself. The next day we had a deep conversation, which she initiated, about

who she is versus who her peer group expects her to be. This technique may

not have changed her outfit that night, but it seems to have been a really good

step forward in our communication.

Level 4 Listening: “Sensing”

A Level 4 Listener is really listening. At this level, the listener is paying

attention to not only the words the speaker is using, but the way they are using

their words as well. A Level 4 Listener notices the intonation of the speaker’s

words, the way the speaker’s energy seems to rise and get more excited at times

and how they seem to lose energy at others. They are paying close attention to

non-verbal communication and reflect on the meaning of that non-verbal

communication. If a person’s lip quivers when they talk about their boss, they will

notice that and perhaps even question it or comment on it. If there is a twinkle in

the speaker’s eye when they speak about an upcoming project or vacation a Level

4 Listener will notice that as well. When they use mirroring, it is on a whole



different level. They don’t just repeat back to you what you said. They will reflect

back to you something that they think you should reflect more upon. If you

frowned when you talk about your job, a Level 4 Listener may say “I saw you

frown when you talked about your work, what do you think that means?” Even

though they may have an idea of what that meant to the speaker (e.g. “He doesn’t

like his job”) a Level 4 Listener does not assume that his analysis is necessarily

correct. In this case, the speaker may self-reflect and say “I really like my work,

but I think I have taken on too many additional duties and can’t focus on what I do

best.”

A Level 4 Listener makes you think about what is going on in your mind. This

level of listening can be used by anyone who is sensitive to what they are hearing

people say (and what they don’t say) and who is noticing non-verbal cues. We

say a Level 4 Listener is “Sensing” because a Level 4 Listener is using their

senses to understand the true meanings of what is being communicated. They

are taking into account what we are saying, what we aren’t saying and what our

behaviors are telling them. They make inferences that guide them to ask

questions that help them better understand others and which help others self-

reflect better. A Level 4 Listener’s question may sound like this: “What does it

mean to you that your voice raised a decibel when you spoke about your

coworker?”



As a teenager, I was unsure of what I wanted to do for a profession. I decided

to speak to my grandfather (who I am close to) about this and he asked me:

“What are you most passionate about?” I started talking about all the things I

enjoy and when I started talking about helping people at an internship I had

done in a hospital he stopped me and said “There was a twinkle in your eye

when you said ‘helping people,’ that’s what you should do.” I remember

feeling shocked at first. I hadn’t really thought much about my experience

working at the hospital and the more I thought about it, the more I started

realizing that I had truly loved helping people at that hospital. That’s how I

figured out that I wanted to be a physician - which I truly love. Who knows

what I would have done with my life if I hadn’t spoken to my wise grandfather

about this. Grandfather is gone now, but his impact on my life is something I

think about every day.



Level 5 Listening: “Transforming”

At this point you may be thinking, how can there be a level above Level 4? I

will agree with you that Level 4 is pretty awesome, but yes, there is an even

higher level of listening. While Level 4 Listening is great for helping others self-

reflect on their words, non-verbals and deeper meanings, this level of listening

has its limitations. To illustrate, imagine someone has a fear of public speaking

and they are telling a Level 4 Listener about it, looking for some help. A Level 4

Listener would reflect back to the speaker that their voice wavered when they

spoke about public speaking, which would not be helpful to the speaker: “Of

course my voice wavered, I’m scared to death of getting on that stage!”

Enter Level 5 Listening. Before offering solutions (e.g. “You should get some

therapy”) a Level 5 will look to see what solutions the individual already has within

them. Often, the problem is not that we are missing information and need advice.

We may have already researched the topic ad nauseam; we just need someone

to help us put it all together in a way that makes sense to us. Level 5 Listening is

what is needed when someone comes to you looking for advice. It is the most

powerful and effective way to help people find the kind of solutions that only their



mind could produce. Level 5 Listening goes beyond just understanding what

people are saying to us. It even goes beyond reflecting back to people what they

are verbally and non-verbally communicating. A Level 5 Listener is called a

“Transformer” because they are able to transform the way we think, not through a

convincing argument, but by the way they listen to us and by the way they ask us

questions.

Imagine trying to figure out your professional future. You could go to ten

different trusted members of your inner council and still not feel any clearer about

what you should do even though you have received many different perspectives.

The reason for this is that the only perspective that really matters is your own.

You are not missing any information, otherwise getting more information would

have cleared matters up. You are also not missing other people’s opinions - you

have plenty of those. What you are missing is access to what you think about this

issue. A Level 5 Listener is doing more than reflecting back to you what she is

hearing, she is subtly encouraging you to start listening to yourself. She is

encouraging you to start really thinking for yourself!

…………………………………………………………………..………………………… A Level 5 Listener is doing more than reflecting back to you what she is

hearing, she is subtly encouraging you to start listening to yourself. ……………………………………………………………...……………………………..



Level 5 Listening is very rare. It is rare to approach someone with an issue

and have them ask you what you think about it before they tell you what they

think. The reason why it is so rare is that it is counterintuitive. Think about it: If

someone is coming to you for advice, doesn’t that inherently mean that they can’t

figure it out on their own and they need you to help them? The answer is yes and

no. They do need you to help them, but not in the way you think. Even though

they may be asking you for advice, most of the time, your advice is not the right

answer for them. Deep down, even they know the right answer is within them, so

they are really hoping that instead of telling them what you think, that you will ask

them what they think.

How is this helpful? Wouldn’t they have figured this out already on their own if

they had the answer? Actually, no, they likely would not. And here lies the whole

mystery of Level 5 Listening: I am not able to solve my own problems and find my

own solutions on my own as well as I can when I am talking about it to you. And

when you ask me what I think and believe that I have the answer within me and

then you listen to me with interest as I go through the process of figuring it out on

my own – that’s when I have my brilliant breakthroughs. This is a huge paradox,

but a definite reality: We need other people to be interested in our thoughts in

order for our most creative and brilliant solutions to emerge. The paradox is that

while you are supremely needed by others to help them think, you cannot think for



them. When you try to do that, you become a barrier rather than a helper

because you subconsciously reinforce the notion that they do not have the answer

they are looking for within. A Level 5 Listener is rooted in the philosophical belief

that human beings are resilient and intelligent and they only need someone to

believe this about them for their brilliance to surface.

…………………………………………………………………….………………………… A Level 5 Listener is rooted in the belief that human beings are resilient and

intelligent and they only need someone to believe this about them for their brilliance to surface. ………….…………………………………………..

Can a belief is someone’s brilliance actually produce brilliance in the other

person? Is this rooted in research? Absolutely. The Pygmalion Effect research

conducted by Dr. Robert Rosenthal is a great example of this. In 1968, Dr. Robert

Rosenthal, a professor of psychology from Harvard University, gave teachers a

list of randomly selected students in their classroom saying that these children

have been predicted by their testing results to be innate geniuses. The teachers

believed these results to be real even though they weren’t. At the end of the

school year, real standardized educational testing was performed and showed a

dramatic difference in scores between those students who had been identified as

innate geniuses over their peers. The students did not know they had been



selected to be special – but they could sense the positive expectations of their

teachers – and they rose to the occasion. Our beliefs about others shape their

thinking and their performance!

……………………………………………………………………….……………………… The students did not know they had been selected to be special

– but they could sense the positive expectations of their teachers – and they rose to the occasion. ……………………………………….

When teams working together use Level 5 Listening, they are able to accomplish

astounding results. When each mind in the room is operating at full capacity,

when it is being challenged by great questions and respected to think well by

team members, new ideas are created and new solutions are found. When we

use Level 5 Listening with our customers, they are able to figure out what they

really want, and this can lead to dramatic increases in our customers’ trust in us.

If a salesperson is truly interested in what a client wants and needs, and not in

what he wants to sell, that salesperson becomes a trusted ally who helps his

client think things through. The client feels they are getting great value for their

relationship with this salesperson and they will return again and again.

Imagine meetings that used Level 5 Listening. Imagine the leader changing

things up: Instead of beginning the meeting with a long list of boring statements



and then turning the floor over to a presenter with a long brain-numbing

PowerPoint presentation, the leader did something else. He first begins the

meeting with a question: How can we increase sales? When a question is asked,

people’s brains turn on. Then the leader went around the room and listened with

rapt interest in the answers he receives. He lets his staff sense his belief in them

and the solutions they will produce. He provides ample space for them to think

and speak without interruption. Imagine the results such meetings would

produce. Imagine the teambuilding this would produce. Imagine the respect that

employees would feel for themselves and their leader who cares so deeply about

what they think. In my experience, it is truly transformative.

…………………………………………………….…………………………………… Imagine the respect that employees would feel for themselves and their

leader who cares so deeply about what they think. …………………………………….………………………..

The best part about Level 5 Listening is that we can learn how to use this level of

listening and reap its benefits in every area of our life: At work with our customers

and coworkers, with our friends and family and even with ourselves. Learning to

provide high quality listening for ourselves can be a great alternative to having

someone skilled in this level of listening actually listening to us. While this may



sound strange, it is an extremely valuable skill to learn how to provide Level 5

Listening for yourself.

Becoming a Level 5 Listener requires a few things: First, you must understand

The 3 Principles of Level 5 Listening. Second, you must practice this level of

listening until it becomes second nature. Thankfully, Level 5 Listening is so

rewarding in the feedback we get from others (“Thank you for helping me figure

this out, nobody else was able to”) and in the results that we see people having,

that Level 5 Listening quickly becomes something we truly enjoy doing. It feels

good to help others work matters out in their minds and it feels even better

knowing that you don’t have to be the one to have all the answers – they will

provide the answers, if you can provide the space for them to think for

themselves.

A Level 5 Listener is a master at helping people think for themselves. In fact,

once this level is mastered, people will start thinking better around you as soon as

they get in your presence. Don’t be intimidated by how hard this level sounds like

it may be to achieve. I assure you that unless you have an addiction to always

providing the answers to everybody’s problems, you will pick up this skill-set

quicker than you can imagine. Like anything worthwhile, there will be work to be

done to create a new habit. Some days you will find that you are operating at a

solid Level 5 and at others you are being a Level 1 or Level 2. In fact, some



people make it easier for us to be a Level 5 and some people make it very hard.

What I can tell you is that you will love having Level 5 Listening in your toolbox.

You will wonder what would be different if you had had it earlier and what it would

be like if your parents, teachers and bosses over the years had it.

For now, I challenge you to try some Level 5 Listening on someone that wants

your help to figure something important out. All you have to do is listen to what

their issue is with great interest and when they ask you what you think, turn the

tables on them and ask them what they think. If they resist, tell them you will tell

them what you think but they have to go first. In my years of experience doing

this, rarely does the person ask for your advice after they have found the solution

within them. And rarely is your advice relevant. The solution they had within

them is always better than the one you thought of for them. Now, if they are

seeking your advice, experience or expertise, you may offer it as long as you do

so in the spirit of “they will have to think about what you said and see if it is right

for them or not.”

………………………………………………………………… The solution they had within them is always better

for them than the one you thought of. ………………….…………………………



I will take up the remainder of this text discussing Level 5 Listening because it is

what will transform your workplace and your relationships ultimately more than

anything else. If you are in the process of becoming a life coach, I believe this is

a necessary foundation for any transformational work you do with people. It

doen’t matter how many great tools you have, if you are not able to draw people’s

solutions out of them, to essentially reconnect them with their inner wisdom, it will

not be transformational. If you do this, on the other hand, the solutions they find

within them will be with them for the rest of their lives.

Of course you may wish to focus on the lower levels first (Level 2 – Don’t

Interrupt, Level 3 – Mirror Their Words, Level 4 – Notice Their Non-Verbals) but

know that this is not required. Many people have jumped straight from Level 1

and 2 to Level 5 and filled in the gaps later. This top-down method is the

approach I use when I teach workshops and in my life coach training programs

because when someone gets Level 5, they naturally start doing all the good things

included in the lower levels – they stop interrupting, they paraphrase, they notice

deeper meanings and ask powerful questions – but they do it from a deeper place

of belief in the human being they are working with rather than as a technique.

This is the power of Level 5 Listening - it comes from deep within us and per

force impacts others in a deep way. If it is superficial, if it is just a technique, then



it is not Level 5. It will not be transformational. Your belief in others must come

from deep within you and be real. We can all sense when another’s respect for us

is real and when it is not. We will get into how to harness this power shortly (even

with people you don’t currently respect!).

……………………………………………………………………………………………… When someone gets Level 5, they naturally start doing all the good things included in the lower levels – but they do it from a deeper place of belief in

the human being they are working with rather than as a technique. ………………………………………………………………………………………….

The shift to Level 5 requires a new philosophy on solving peoples’ problems: It is

not you who will find the solution but them. Your job is to provide the setting for

them to think best for themselves. If you can make this shift, everything else will

flow. Now, let us spend some time on The 3 Principles of Level 5 Listening:

Belief, Interest and Time. Understanding and implementing these three principles

will make it easy for you to make the shift to Level 5 Listening any time you decide

to use them.



The 3 Principles of Level 5 Listening™

Principle 1: Belief

Belief is at the root of what makes Level 5 Listening work. It is what makes Level

5 Listening the most powerful interpersonal tool I have ever encountered. The

Webster Dictionary defines belief as “A feeling of being sure that someone or

something exists or that something is true, a feeling that something is good.”

Oxford dictionary puts it this way “Something one accepts as true or real; a firmly

held opinion or conviction.”

…………………………………………………….……………………………… Level 5 Listening is the most powerful tool I have ever encountered. ………………………………………………..……………………………………

Your firmly held opinions about others have the greatest impact on your

interactions with them. Your convictions about others determine the way they feel

around you. They impact how well others think and perform around you. Think

about how well you think and perform around people that think highly of you.

Consider how well you think and perform around people who think poorly of you.

We are so shaped by the expectations of those around us but we rarely think



about how we are shaping those around us as a result of our expectations of

them.

……………………………………………………………………………………………… We are so shaped by the expectations of those around us but we rarely

think about how we are shaping those around us as a result of our expectations of them. ……………………………………………

The Pygmalion Effect research shows how powerful our beliefs about others

are. Think about how powerful the beliefs of others in your life about you have

been. If you want people around you to bring out their best selves, you have to be

prepared to see their best selves even if they don’t yet see it. This is the secret of

great teachers – they see greatness in their students even when the students

themselves don’t see it. These are the kind of teachers who change people’s

lives. They are transformative. We all can become transformative if we take this

to heart – what we think about others impacts them, what we believe about others

transforms them. In my understanding, a belief is a thought that we have

emotionally internalized. This means we have become connected to this thought

– it is no longer a fleeting thought – it has become a belief. It lives in my mind not

as a guest, but as a permanent resident. A thought comes and goes, but a belief

is felt – it is emotionally a part of me. It moves me and shapes my decisions. I

am attached to it.



…………………………………………………….. What we think about others impacts them,

what we believe about others transforms them. …………………….………………………………………

We all have the power to turn our thoughts into beliefs by allowing our thoughts to

take up permanent residence in our minds and emotions. Perhaps we are not

ready to commit yet to a thought. Perhaps we want that thought to move in

temporarily, but to keep its own apartment. If it works out, great. If not, we part

as friends. What you choose to think about other people will dictate what kind of

impact you will have on them. In my experience, every time I have chosen to see

the best in others, it has brought out the best in them. Does that mean I walk up

to a stranger on the street and give them my wallet, believing that they are

honest? Certainly not. The reason for this is that my positive belief about others

creates a setting for them to bring out the best in them, but the real question is

what they will do with that.

…………………………………………………………………………… What you choose to believe about other people will dictate

what kind of impact you will have on them. …………………………………………………….



I tend to use my Level 5 apparatus mostly with those in my immediate sphere

of influence: my wife, my kids, my students and clients. If I am walking down the

street I am probably thinking about what Jerry Seinfeld said most men spend most

of their waking hours thinking about: Nothing. (You thought I was going to say

something else?)

When I am in a position to positively influence someone I want to go back to

that simple definition of belief “the feeling that something is good.” I routinely get

great results from my clients by connecting with that part of them that is good.

So I am going to get deep with you here… First of all, it is hard for me to

connect with what is good in you before I am able to connect with what is good

within me. In order for me to really help you connect with what is good within you,

I must be able to connect with what is good within myself. When I talk about

transformation, what I am really referring to is the process of connecting with what

is good within us. Wayne Dyer breaks the word transformation into the following

components: “trans-form-ation” and explains that this word means that we are

going beyond (trans) the form, the external part of the human being. When we

trans-form we are going beyond our external form, down to our core selves.

When we help others trans-form, we are helping them reconnect with who they

really are. The reason Life Coaching is the second largest growing industry in the



United States today is because a Life Coach is a professional who helps you

reconnect with yourself - and this is in high demand today.

…………………………………………………………………….. When we help others trans-form, we are helping them

reconnect with who they really are. ……………………………………………

Unfortunately, we human beings are so good at loosing touch with our selves.

We are so good at encapsulating ourselves with objects and even begin believing

that these objects are us. We begin relating to ourselves as our houses, cars,

jobs, bank accounts, our bodies and our social selves – our personalities. When

we do that, we lose touch with ourselves. When we try to make decisions, we

look to a part of ourselves that we have lost touch with, our essential core selves,

and realize that we have little contact with that part of ourselves. When we try to

think, our mind immediately goes to what others would say, but our own minds are

blocked from access to our true selves – what we would say.

When we look at others, we also see all that encapsulates them (their “form”)

but rarely do we see the person themselves (their “core selves”). This makes

relating to what is good in them very difficult. Unless we can access what is good

within us, we cannot help others do the same. Regaining access to this core self,



our true self, is key to transforming the way we are with others and the impact we

have on them.

So how do we regain access to this Essential Self?

I have found over the years of working with people to help them reconnect to their

core selves that the more you peel back all the external layers, the more you find

that we all want to give, serve and love others in some way. We all want to make

a contribution that is meaningful to the world. Lance Secretan suggests in his

book The Spark, The Flame and The Torch that all you have to do is think about

what bothers you most in the world and then resolve to find a way to make a

contribution to resolve that. That will be your meaningful contribution and what

will feel like you are doing what you were put here on earth to do.

I often work with people to find their Core Values, that is, to find what their

Core Self values most – what their deepest self values, what it really wants

independent of what others want for them. I often hear answers like “Service,

Connection, Creativity and Spirituality.” So I ask people to find a way to give their

Core what it wants. When we begin listening to the quiet voice of our Core Selves

(the part of us that is independent of what others think and want) and we begin

making adjustments to feed that part of ourselves, we begin being more of who

we are and less of whom we are not.



………………………………………………………………………………………….. When we begin listening to the quiet voice of our Core Selves we begin

being more of who we are and less of whom we are not. …………………………………………………………………………

When we find the access points to our Core Selves, we begin seeing past our

external selves and as a result are able to extend this perception to others. We

are able to perceive the core of people that often runs contrary to the external

things, thoughts and behaviors that currently drive their lives. This is when we

become agents of transformation. We become happier and more connected to

ourselves and then hone the ability to do this for others. We learn to create an

environment for others to reconnect with their Core Selves.

Approaching others from this point of view allows you to bring out the best

even in people you don’t currently like or respect. What you don’t like or respect

is their personalities and their choices that are consistent with their personalities.

Remember that this is their external selves and that they, like most people, have

very little contact with who they really are. Perhaps their core selves were not

nurtured and encouraged as children. What you don’t like about them is only their

external self. If you choose to look past that, you will be dealing with a different

person – with their higher self.



………………………………………..…………………….. We learn to create an environment for others to

reconnect with their Core Selves. ………………………………………….

When this process is used with people you naturally like and respect (which is

who I hope you work with and spend as much time with as possible) you become

a fantastic resource to them. They will thrive in your attention. When they stray

from their Core Selves you will be able to bring them back because of your belief

in them and your positive expectation that they will get back to their Core Self as

quickly as possible. When traditional American Indians pass each other on the

street they don’t say “Hello” which is essentially meaningless. They say “I see

you.” They remind each other of who they really are and remind each other that

they are seeing them through that lens. When we are seen through this lens, we

reach up to the stars. The greatest gift we offer others is To See Them. This is

the 1st and most important principle of Level 5 Listening: Belief.

Of course, this belief is not necessarily fact, objective truth or the Gospel. What

it is, though, is an extremely powerful and transformational tool. Try it out and see

what results you get from other people.



Principle 2: Interest

We are all hungry for attention. Psychologists can trace many adult problems

back to a lack of attention in childhood. The fact is that our minds and hearts

expand and flourish in the face of positive attention. Conversely, our hearts and

minds wilt when we don’t get attention. Great attention can produce great thinking

in the mind of the person who is receiving this attention. Where does great

attention come from? It comes from great interest in the minds of others. And

were does great interest come from? It comes from Belief, an emotionally

integrated set of thoughts that convey to the other person that their mind is a

powerful tool. It conveys to the other person that their mind contains great

solutions and that they are worthy and valuable thinkers. Wen exposed to such

interest, minds expand and produce more than they were previously able to.

When we understand that our belief in someone’s ability to produce brilliance

actually contributes to their brilliance, we become even more interested in what

their minds will produce.



…………………………………….………………………………………… When we understand that our belief in someone’s ability to produce

brilliance actually contributes to their brilliance, we become even more interested in what their minds will produce. …………………………………..………………………………..

Neuroscience has discovered why this works. We have neurons called “mirror

neurons” that mirror what is going on in other people’s minds. When I think highly

of you, there is a neurochemical reaction set off in your brain that mirrors and

responds to my positive thinking about you. As a result, your emotions are

positively impacted and you begin thinking better and producing higher-level

outcomes.

This is why this level of listening goes so far beyond “active listening.” Active

listening is a nice technique we use to show someone we are really following what

he or she is saying. Level 5 Listening on the other hand is not a technique. It is a

deep understanding of the power that our minds have on other people’s minds.

This appreciation makes us truly excited to be a part of another person’s thinking

process. We realize that they could not be producing such great thinking if they

did not have us to be interested in their minds. The better I listen to you, the

better thinking you produce. The better thinking you produce, the better results

you will have in your life.



……………………………………………………………………………………… The better I listen to you, the better thinking you produce. The better

thinking you produce, the better results you will have in your life. …………………………………………………………………………………..

Another thing that happens when our belief leads to great interest is the way we

ask questions. If we really believe that listening is a technique that must be

mastered but deep down we still believe that we contain the answers for others,

the questions we ask others will end up relaying this lack of belief we have in

them. We will find clever ways of suggesting our solutions to others in our

questions: “Have you considered (insert your advice here)?” Most people will not

respond as well as we hope with these kind of questions because most people

really want someone to draw their solutions out them. Deep down, they know that

their own solutions will be best for them.

…………………………….....................……………………………………………. Most people really want someone to draw their solutions out them. Deep

down, they know that their own solutions will be best for them. ………………………………….……………………………………………

When people ask questions with a positive belief in the mind of others, their

interest is sourced in “what great ideas will this person’s mind produce?” This

kind of question truly ignites the best thinking of the other person and leads to



transformational results. So great belief in others leads to great interest that leads

to great questions.

When I am teaching new life coaching students how to ask great coaching

questions, I encourage them to really become a believer in the power that other

people’s minds contain. I encourage them to believe and become deeply

interested in the inner wisdom of their client’s minds. From this place, new

coaches begin asking powerful questions almost automatically, because they are

so interested in the amazing results their clients will produce as a result of the

transformational listening environment they are creating for their clients.

It goes without saying that when we believe in the power of people’s minds, we

will rarely interrupt their thinking with our own. We also become very attuned to

their non-verbal communication because we are so interested in what is going on

inside of them – we are looking for signs that they are breaking though their inner

blocks and are accessing their inner voice.

………………………………………………………………………………………….. Great belief in others leads to great interest that leads to great questions. …………………………………………………….………………………………………



Principle 3: Space

Once you have learned to believe in the power of other people’s minds to find

great solutions for themselves and you have become keenly interested in what

their minds can produce, it is important that you give them the space they need to

produce high-level thinking. When we are training new coaches, we often see

them be so eager to produce a shift in their client’s thinking that they continuously

barrage them with questions and suggestions without giving them the time or

space to deeply self-reflect. But it is only when we give great space to others that

breakthroughs happen.

……………………………………….…………………………………………………. It is only when we give great space to others that breakthroughs happen. …………………………………………….…………………………………………….

Think about the last time someone who really believed in you asked you a

deep, thought-provoking question like “What do you really want for your life?” and

then quietly sat back with ease, inner calm and rapt interest while you searched

the depths of your mind for an answer. For most of us, this experience would be

delicious. I know that I savor these experiences both when I provide them for

others and when they are provided for me. Unfortunately, we have all been



trained to be professional interrupters. Many of us have actually become addicted

to interrupting others. This habit keeps us at Level 1 and the results that Level 1

produces are truly suboptimal. I know that I can’t think straight when I know that I

am about to be interrupted or spoken over in a meeting or conversation.

When I am teaching Level 5 Transformational Listening™ to new coaches

or to companies, one of my favorite exercises is to ask people to pair off for what I

call “Silent Coaching.” One participant is the speaker and the other is the listener.

The speaker is asked to talk to the listener about something they are trying to

work through in their minds or something the team is trying to work out. The

listener is told that they are not allowed to use words to communicate. What

follows is often transformative. Speakers learn how much they enjoy speaking to

someone who is not going to interrupt them and listeners learn how much more

speakers can accomplish when they stay focused on them without interrupting

them. In these exercises, chronic interrupters squirm in their chairs, dying to give

feedback that is often unnecessary.

Yet many chronic interrupters are given such positive feedback from the person

they were silently listening to that they begin shifting their thinking about the

power of listening. Of course, even when they are quiet, a Level 5 Listener and

someone who is squirming in their chair are going to look drastically different and

produce drastically different results. The “squirmer” is really a Level 1 Listener



who is being forced to be a Level 2 Listener temporarily. The Level 5 Listener

appears calm, both externally and internally. This internal calm is what many

refer to as having a “quiet mind” and for many of us this is extremely difficult. If

we had a mental transcript of what was running through our minds when we are

listening to others we would see a racetrack of stories, shopping lists,

suggestions, questions and comments racing through our minds. Very little space

is available for us to listen to what others are saying to us, and others experience

this lack of “space”. W hen you begin to believe in what others can produce in

their minds when you believe that they can produce great things, it will be much

easier for you to quiet your mind. You will then able to take the pressure off of

yourself to have all the solutions to other people’s challenges.

Are you ready to begin the process of becoming a Level 5 Transformational

Listener?

Go ahead and get started with the next conversation you have and take note of

how this compares and contrasts with your normal conversations. Ask someone if

there is something they are trying to work out in their mind right now and then

practice the 3 Principles of Level 5 Listening.



…………………….....................…………………………………………………… Ask someone:

“Is there something you are trying to work out in your mind right now?” and then practice the 3 Principles of Level 5 Listening.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

To recap, The 3 Principles of Level 5 Listening are:

1. Belief In the brilliance of each individual. Belief is the positive expectation that others are able to think well. When we choose to think highly of others, they tend to rise to the occasion. 2. Interest In what people will say next. Interest in the thoughts, ideas and solutions of others. This leads us to ask deep, probing and powerful questions. 3. Space Giving space for people to think without interruption. Giving time, quiet and ease for people to think fully and deeply without interruption.



About The Author

Dr. Elliott B. Rosenbaum is a board certified psychologist and master life coach. He is the founder and director of The American School of Professional Life Coaching (www.asplc.org) and the CEO of uThink, Inc. (www.uthinkinc.com) which provides advanced communication training to companies and organizations. He has worked with government agencies, the U.S. military and Fortune 500 companies to create transformational organizational change. Dr. Rosenbaum teaches Transformational Listening at the University of North Florida/UNF’s Continuing Education Department.

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