5 lessons every husband should know

7/30/2019 5 Lessons every Husband should know

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5 Lessons Every Husband Needs to Learn

Just over six months ago, I married the woman Id been dating off and on since I was 16. I feel like

Ive learned a lot already, and over the past few months Ive jotted down five lessons on what it

means to be a good leader and husband to my beautiful wife.

I hope these lessons will be helpful to you as you seek to represent Jesus to your wife. Here they

are, in no particular order:

1. Be proactive, not reactive.

What it means:Take the lead. Dont wait for your wife to guide the relationship. Dont react to what

she wantsprovide a vision for the relationship.

What it looks like: My wife is a planner. I am a go with the flow type of guy. However, part of

leading and loving well means that I am proactive about planning the upcoming day and the week

with my wife.

Just this morning, as I was showering before work, I asked EA (Elizabeth Ann) to come into the

bathroom. We talked about each night this weekwhat we had going on and when we would make

time to spend together. Six months ago, I would have kept all of that stuff in my head, or maybe I

would not have even thought about it (until it was actually happening). Now that I know my wife

better, I do my best to be proactive about planning the days and weeks with her.

2. Talk less, act more.

What it means:Dont talk about something until youve already done it. The more you talk about

something, the less likely it is to happen. Talking about it gives you the illusion of progress.

What it looks like: Guys like to brag about things. They like to talk about things they either did in the

glory days or things they will do some day when I finally get the time. Enough. Women dont

need more men with big mouths. Just shut up and do it.

Heres an example: Ive made it a goal of mine to always make sure that my wife has gas in her

car. And Im always asking her, Hey, do you need gas? or saying, Lets take your car tonight, so I

can put gas in it.

I am really bad about keeping my wifes car gassed up.

Heres how I could fix that: When Iget home from work, grab her keys, say, Ill be right back, and

then go put gas in her car. Maybe she doesnt need it. Maybe Ill only end up putting two dollars

worth in. But you know what? I did it. And I have a feeling that the more I do it, the more it will

become a pattern, and the less I will end up talking or even having to think about it. Itll be second


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nature.

What are some things that youd like to do for your wife that you need to just start doing?

3. Engage, not escape.

What it means: Engage in meaningful conflict. Seek the good of your wife. Stay focused on the

end goal of the argument.

What it looks like: My wife is an external processor. I am an internal processor. Translation: She

likes to talk through things; I like to go away and think for a while, then come back and talk once Ive

got it all figured out. Just a few months ago, whenever EA and I would get in a disagreement, my

tendency would be to shut down and completely lock up emotionally. This would send my wife even

further into a tailspin. It was pretty ugly.

But heres the thing about being married: You have to resolve conflict. Youre stuck together. Soyouve got to figure out how to have conflict. Meaningful conflict. Conflict that benefits your

relationship, instead of tearing it apart.

Now when I get frustrated, instead of locking up, I gently and lovingly express what Im thinking and

feeling to EA and we go from there.

A big key here is to ask clarifying questions. Make sure youre hearing each othercorrectly. Really

listen to each other. Remember that youre on the same team, and that Satan wants to tear you

apart. Be radically committed to keeping him from making that happen.

4. Create, not complain.

What it means:If you dont like something, change it. Dont complain about it unless youre willing to

do something about it. Create solutions instead of talking about problems.

What it looks like: Anybody can complain. Anybody can criticize. Anybody can cut something

down. The courage lies with the creator.

Genesis 1:1 says, In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The very first verse of

the Bible shows God as a creator. We were made in Gods image. What does that say about us?Be strong and courageous. Step out on a limb and create something new, rather than sitting in the

seat of mockers (Psalm 1).

How does this apply to your marriage? Well, heres one real obvious scenario: when you dont like

what your wife has made for dinner.

Yes, Im really suggesting this why dont you cook dinner for once? Why dont you try your hand


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in the kitchen? Create a meal. Then sit under your wifes scrutinizing taste buds.

EA and I generally make brunch together every Saturday. All Im doing is frying eggs and bacon, but

we have a blast (and its always delicious).

Why not give it a try?

5. Be confident and humble.

What it means:Dont be so overtaken by humility that you lack the gumption to lead. And dont be so

overtaken with confidence that you become an arrogant jerk. Find the balance and live there.

What it looks like: Some guys are all humility. They slink back into the shadows and defer to others

and never take any credit for the work they do. Theyre nice guys. Theyre tender and kind and

loving and smart. Whenever people mention them in a group setting, everyone says, Aw, what a

nice guy he is.

Other guys are all confidence. Theyre macho men who eat barbecue, pizza, and burgers for

breakfast, lunch, and dinner. They watch football, go hunting, and carry around boulders on their

backs for fun. Theyre tough and manly and have Sherwood Forest growing on their chests (and

backs).

In a video interview from the new Stepping Up video series from FamilyLife, Pastor Mark Driscoll

describes these types of men as the Tender Man vs. the Tough Man. Its essential that you learn

to cultivate both sides: the tough and the tender. Stu Weber calls this being a tender

warrior. Strong, but gentle. Tough, but kind. Protector, and lover. Not one or the other, but both!

How does this apply to your marriage? Mostly in conflict. Men like to fix things. But usually thats

not what a woman needs. She needs you to be tender and loving, to hold her and tell her you love

her (yes, even if all you want to do is say, If you would just do it this way everything would work out

fine).

EA and I learned this lesson on Christmas Eve, when I used the word nagging to refer to her in a

joking context. She didnt think it was funny.

We talked, and I tried to explain that I didnt mean it the way she had perceived. I was steadfast andadamant about making sure everything was clear.

But she didnt care about that. She wanted to know that I heard her and loved her, and she wanted

me to hold her. And I couldnt get that through my thick brain.

Theres room for both, men. Meet your wife where she is, and then take the opportunity to clear

things up, learn from it and move on.


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First Corinthians 16:13-14 tells us, Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let

all that you do be done in love. Why dont you write that verse on a piece of paper and tape it to

your bathroom mirror? Read it every day for the next week. Pray that God will continue to mold you

into a man after His own heart.

Whether youre six months or 60 years into your marriage, God can and will continue to teach you

about how to become the man He wants you to be in your marriage and in every other aspect of

life.

5 lessons every husband should know

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