30 rock - 07x01 - the beginning of the end

8/12/2019 30 Rock - 07x01 - The Beginning of the End

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2/45

1400:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,935So how was your hiatus?Start with what puzzles you did.

1500:00:35,970 --> 00:00:38,805Venice, solar system,unicorn...

1600:00:38,839 --> 00:00:41,174The cast of L. A. Law.That one took me a while.

1700:00:41,208 --> 00:00:44,677So much white.Anyway...

1800:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,179Good to be back,

but stressful.

1900:00:46,213 --> 00:00:49,015The usual Liz Lemonwork-life balancing act.

2000:00:49,050 --> 00:00:50,583- How are things with Chris?- Good.

21

00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:53,987Great.We are trying...

2200:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,388Really, Lemon?You can't even say "trying"?

2300:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,991What positionsare you using?

2400:00:58,025 --> 00:01:00,160The one. There's only one.Talk about something else.

2500:01:00,194 --> 00:01:02,829Fine.We'll talk about me.


3/45


4/45

00:01:27,555 --> 00:01:28,555And do you likethe information channel

4000:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,023you get when you stayin a hotel?

4100:01:30,057 --> 00:01:31,858Well, Thursdaysis just that now.

4400:01:35,830 --> 00:01:37,564Yes, little big mandiscovered

4500:01:37,598 --> 00:01:39,532the grass isn't always greeneron the other side,

4600:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,967and came crawling back.

4700:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,203My grandmotherwas seriously ill.

4800:01:43,237 --> 00:01:46,372I went to salinasto feed and bathe her.

4900:01:46,407 --> 00:01:50,410- I'm sorry.- I still don't like you.

5000:01:50,444 --> 00:01:51,478God cop?

5100:01:51,529 --> 00:01:54,397"Crime just got

a new worst friend."

5200:01:54,431 --> 00:01:56,232[Laughs]The hell is that?

5300:01:56,266 --> 00:01:58,568A show I am


5/45

very excited about.

5400:01:58,602 --> 00:02:00,603A New York City detectivesolves crimes

5500:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,373with the helpof his new partner, God.

5600:02:03,407 --> 00:02:05,542So God justtells him who did it?

5700:02:05,576 --> 00:02:07,577God can't justtell him who did it.

5800:02:07,611 --> 00:02:09,129

- Why not?- Watch the pilot, Lemon.

5900:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,463It's all explainedin the end

6000:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,665by the wise black manplayed by Karl Malone.

6100:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,751You're reallytaking some swings here.

6200:02:14,785 --> 00:02:16,052I have no choice.

6300:02:16,086 --> 00:02:19,139My boss Hank Hooperis clearly planning to retire.

6400:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,390Word is he bought a boat.

6500:02:20,424 --> 00:02:21,674But it's not a yacht,

66


6/45

00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,394for corporate partiesand Hooker disposal.

6700:02:24,428 --> 00:02:25,795It's a two-manfishing boat.

6800:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,730I believe thatis called a skiff.

6900:02:27,765 --> 00:02:31,184I will not have you telling meboat names in my own office.

7000:02:31,235 --> 00:02:33,970Hank has vowed to keepKabletown in his family.

7100:02:33,988 --> 00:02:37,023I have one chance to changehis mind before he retires.

7200:02:37,074 --> 00:02:38,858That's where showslike God cop,

7300:02:38,909 --> 00:02:41,778O.J. Simpson live,

and Rule of threes come in.

7400:02:41,812 --> 00:02:44,197- Oh, brother.- Oh, brother...

7500:02:44,248 --> 00:02:47,283A comedy abouttwo jive-talking con men

76

00:02:47,317 --> 00:02:49,502hiding out in a monastery.

7700:02:49,537 --> 00:02:53,790Jonathan,bring me my green light.

7800:02:53,824 --> 00:02:56,793


7/45

[Exciting jazz music]

7900:02:56,827 --> 00:02:58,427* *

8000:03:07,251 --> 00:03:10,05130 RockS07 Ep01 - The beggining of the end

8100:03:10,220 --> 00:03:13,720Sync, corrections by dr.jacksonfor www.addic7ed.com

8200:03:13,844 --> 00:03:16,512[Screaming, crying]

8300:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,399My wedding is gonna bea disaster!

8400:03:19,450 --> 00:03:22,035The doves I orderedfor the wedding came,

8500:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,821and they're all dead!

8600:03:24,855 --> 00:03:28,157Ugh! Ugh!

One of 'em touched my tongue!

8700:03:28,191 --> 00:03:29,709[Sobbing]

8800:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,411Calm down.

8900:03:31,462 --> 00:03:33,129I'll show you

that video of Taylor Swift

9000:03:33,163 --> 00:03:34,581getting hit in the facewith a foul ball.

9100:03:34,632 --> 00:03:38,134Oh, I'm fine, Liz.


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The doves were just a drill.

9200:03:38,168 --> 00:03:41,203Everyone needs to be on theirtoes for my wedding year.

9300:03:41,222 --> 00:03:43,223I'm gonna be a nightmare.

9400:03:43,257 --> 00:03:46,392Wait, if that was a drill,did you kill those doves?

9500:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,678No. I bought themat the dead dove store.

9600:03:48,712 --> 00:03:49,879Grow up, Liz.

9700:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,714Jenna, you're always a...

9800:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,349High-strung perfectionist.

9900:03:53,383 --> 00:03:54,851I prefersoul-sucking monster.

10000:03:54,885 --> 00:03:56,385How could your weddingmake you any worse?

10100:03:56,403 --> 00:03:57,937I don't know,

10200:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,606but it's a fun little journey

we're all gonna go on together.

10300:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,223Uh huh.So when is this wedding?

10400:04:01,242 --> 00:04:04,327I can't tell you.


9/45

It's a secret surprise wedding.

10500:04:04,361 --> 00:04:06,579Because that's whatall the big celebrities do.

10600:04:06,614 --> 00:04:09,332Beyonce, J.Lo,Natalie Portman,

10700:04:09,366 --> 00:04:11,901whose real last nameis Hershlag, by the way.

10800:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,202Okay, that's not relevant.

10900:04:13,236 --> 00:04:14,420I just think

people should know.

11000:04:14,455 --> 00:04:15,705You know,

11100:04:15,739 --> 00:04:17,340I have a lotof really good friends

11200:04:17,374 --> 00:04:19,175

I could ask to bemy maid of honor.

11300:04:19,209 --> 00:04:22,845Paz de la huerta,the former Mrs. Jon Cryer,

11400:04:22,880 --> 00:04:24,246honey boo boo's mom.

115

00:04:24,265 --> 00:04:25,548June.

11600:04:25,582 --> 00:04:27,183But you'remy oldest friend.

11700:04:27,217 --> 00:04:29,052


10/45

And also, I've known youfor a long time.

11800:04:29,086 --> 00:04:32,138Liz, will you bemy maid of honor?

11900:04:32,189 --> 00:04:34,891Oh, Jenna,that is so nice.

12000:04:34,925 --> 00:04:37,193But I've just gotso much going on

12100:04:37,227 --> 00:04:39,279with the showand baby stuff.

122

00:04:39,313 --> 00:04:41,197Oh, God!My hands! Please!

12300:04:41,231 --> 00:04:44,617I'll do it! I'd love to do it!You're my best friend!

12400:04:44,652 --> 00:04:47,370Oh, yay!

12500:04:47,404 --> 00:04:49,238Oh, you're in chargeof the bachelorette party.

12600:04:49,272 --> 00:04:52,075Make sure you have a stripperthere from every race.

12700:04:52,109 --> 00:04:54,744Start looking for Indian now.

It's a tough booking.

12800:04:54,778 --> 00:04:56,879Mm, best friendies!

12900:04:56,914 --> 00:04:59,281[Smooching]


11/45

13000:04:59,300 --> 00:05:01,668[Door closes]

13100:05:01,719 --> 00:05:05,305[Knocks] Mr. Jordan.I need some advice.

13200:05:05,339 --> 00:05:06,873I recommend you get itfrom Liz Lemon

13300:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,992or an owlwho wears glasses.

13400:05:09,026 --> 00:05:11,678No, sir.It's about women.

13500:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,846I've been living with Hazelfor the past few months,

13600:05:13,897 --> 00:05:17,433and while we havegotten to second base...

13700:05:17,467 --> 00:05:18,768You mean a threesome

with Robinson Cano?

13800:05:18,802 --> 00:05:19,769No.

13900:05:19,803 --> 00:05:22,355I mean sharing a yogurt.

14000:05:22,406 --> 00:05:23,940I'm saving myself

for marriage,

14100:05:23,974 --> 00:05:25,575and Hazel saysshe's saving herself

14200:05:25,609 --> 00:05:28,244for a grade-a pork machine.


12/45

14300:05:28,278 --> 00:05:30,146And those are expensive.

14400:05:30,164 --> 00:05:34,033It's just Hazel'smy first real girlfriend,

14500:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,585and I want tomake sure I'm doing

14600:05:35,619 --> 00:05:37,787everything I canto make her happy.

14700:05:37,821 --> 00:05:39,372I'll tell youhow to make a woman happy.

14800:05:39,423 --> 00:05:40,656You take charge.

14900:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,258She comes home one night,

15000:05:42,292 --> 00:05:44,961you're in the kitchen nakedcooking chili.

15100:05:44,995 --> 00:05:47,163You feed it to herout of your hands.

15200:05:47,181 --> 00:05:49,849Make her act like a bird.

15300:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,719Damn it, I don't know.

I've been married for 22 years.

15400:05:52,770 --> 00:05:55,638That's half as long as itfelt like Arliss was on TV.

15500:05:55,672 --> 00:05:57,306You want to make


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14/45

in the hospital for a week.

16900:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,700Could you go find out why?

17000:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,420- Ooh.- Thank you.

17100:06:30,540 --> 00:06:32,008Frank, you do stand-up.

17200:06:32,042 --> 00:06:34,093How would you liketo have your own sitcom?

17300:06:34,144 --> 00:06:35,094Can I have a hot wife?

17400:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,679- If you gain 50 pounds.- Yeah.

17500:06:36,713 --> 00:06:38,264Hey, I have an ideafor a show.

17600:06:38,315 --> 00:06:40,400It's about a boy

who befriends a talking panda,

17700:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,851and they're allowedto sleep in the same bed.

17800:06:41,885 --> 00:06:42,985Have iton my desk tomorrow.

179

00:06:43,020 --> 00:06:46,823Okay.[Coughs]

18000:06:48,225 --> 00:06:51,160Look, Jack,I know you think fixing NBC

181


15/45

00:06:51,195 --> 00:06:55,164is just another negativesynergy dynamics matrix.

18200:06:55,199 --> 00:06:56,565I wish.

18300:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,334Then I could just solve itwith a Schwarzfeld tesseract.

18400:06:58,368 --> 00:07:01,587No, this is the nadirof my career, Lemon.

18500:07:01,622 --> 00:07:03,923No room for advancement,a boss who doesn't get it.

186

00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,926Every day, I wish some othercompany had bought NBC.

18700:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,095Xerox, Alcoa, Paas.

18800:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,680The Easter Egg company?

189

00:07:10,714 --> 00:07:11,681They own their market.

19000:07:11,715 --> 00:07:12,682When was the last timeyou bought

19100:07:12,716 --> 00:07:14,767a non-Paas egg-dyeing kit?

192

00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,552Try never.Paas is the best.

19300:07:16,586 --> 00:07:18,554Their wire egg dipperis tops in the industry

194


16/45

00:07:18,588 --> 00:07:20,606with the thinnest egg loopto reduce dye lines.

19500:07:20,641 --> 00:07:21,974Exactly.

19600:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,426Only I don't work for Paas.I work for Kabletown.

19700:07:24,445 --> 00:07:26,896But I have a planthat will fix everything.

19800:07:26,930 --> 00:07:28,448Okay,here's the thing, Jack.

199

00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:31,818Your plan isn't gonna work.Your shows are terrible.

20000:07:31,869 --> 00:07:34,787I mean, have you seenthat new game show Homonym?

20100:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,824Your next word is "meat."

20200:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,158Oh, boy. Um...

20300:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,043Like when two peoplerun into each other.

20400:07:41,078 --> 00:07:42,495Uh, sorry,it's the other one.

20500:07:42,546 --> 00:07:44,831- Your next word is "stare."- Okay.

20600:07:44,882 --> 00:07:46,499Um, the thingsyou climb to get...


17/45

20700:07:46,550 --> 00:07:47,884No, no,it's the other one.

20800:07:47,918 --> 00:07:49,469It's always the other one.Let me see the card.

20900:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,287No! Never!

21000:07:51,305 --> 00:07:53,005- Your shows stink, Jack.- Really?

21100:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,223So you don't peacock them?

21200:07:54,258 --> 00:07:56,092I don't... think so.

21300:07:56,126 --> 00:07:57,643But look, I get it.

21400:07:57,678 --> 00:07:59,929The clock's ticking, and youfeel like time's running out.

21500:07:59,963 --> 00:08:01,564It's like meand everything.

21600:08:01,598 --> 00:08:03,015How long is this showgonna last?

21700:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,400How many eggs

do I have left?

21800:08:04,434 --> 00:08:06,635Will I ever finish readingthe corrections?

21900:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,938But you can't let that panic


18/45

get into your head.

22000:08:08,972 --> 00:08:10,406Well, thank youfor your feedback, Lemon,

22100:08:10,440 --> 00:08:12,692but I'm not panicking,I know exactly what I'm doing,

22200:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,911so good peacock to you.

22300:08:14,945 --> 00:08:19,615- But, Jack...- I said good peacock.

22400:08:19,649 --> 00:08:20,816[Sighs]

22500:08:22,419 --> 00:08:23,503Mr. Jordan.

22600:08:23,537 --> 00:08:25,505I mentioned yourdinner party idea to Hazel.

22700:08:25,539 --> 00:08:26,956Yes.

22800:08:26,990 --> 00:08:31,127And I thought we'd have a littlefete Chez nous ce soir.

22900:08:31,161 --> 00:08:33,129Oh, how nice to meet a womanwho speaks the language

23000:08:33,163 --> 00:08:35,848

of the Nazis'most enthusiastic collaborators.

23100:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,466What a kind invitation.

23200:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,719I do enjoy seeing


19/45

the homes of poor whites.

23300:08:39,770 --> 00:08:40,770What should I bring?

23400:08:40,804 --> 00:08:43,389Just bringyour fascinating self.

23500:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,673Kenneth tells methat you started

23600:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,442your own movie studiothis summer.

23700:08:46,476 --> 00:08:49,228Yes. I'm sort of

the black Tyler Perry.

23800:08:49,279 --> 00:08:50,396Oh, and I'man aspiring actress

23900:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,814whose most recentcredits include

240

00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,150running onstageduring Sister act.

24100:08:54,184 --> 00:08:55,735This is wonderful.

24200:08:55,786 --> 00:08:58,204Tracy Jordanis coming to dinner.

24300:08:58,238 --> 00:09:00,239Just like in that episodeof Family matters

24400:09:00,290 --> 00:09:02,375when Tracy Jordancame to dinner.


20/45

24500:09:02,409 --> 00:09:05,127You know I wasn't scriptedto be in that episode.

24600:09:05,162 --> 00:09:09,365I just wandered onto set becauseReginald Veljohnson owed me $40.

24700:09:09,383 --> 00:09:11,133Oh.[Chuckles]

24800:09:11,168 --> 00:09:13,336I'm thinking about Vegasfor the bachelorette party.

24900:09:13,370 --> 00:09:14,703We can't stay at the Palms.

25000:09:14,721 --> 00:09:16,055One of the Maloofswants me dead,

25100:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,139and the other one loves me.

25200:09:17,174 --> 00:09:18,391I don't rememberwhich is which.

25300:09:18,425 --> 00:09:19,842Okay, great.

25400:09:19,876 --> 00:09:21,143Tracy, I need your advice.

25500:09:21,178 --> 00:09:22,261You like to throw parties.

25600:09:22,312 --> 00:09:24,146Why is everyoneasking me for advice?

25700:09:24,181 --> 00:09:25,848I'm Tracy Jordan.

258


21/45

00:09:25,882 --> 00:09:28,050Father of 3,married 22 years.

25900:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,152I run my own business.

26000:09:30,187 --> 00:09:33,656Oh, my God.I'm the most stable adult here.

26100:09:33,690 --> 00:09:35,908Oh, God, I don't want to beJenna's maid of honor.

26200:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,559She wants her"something borrowed"

263

00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,445to be Jessica Biel's youth.

26400:09:39,496 --> 00:09:41,447I don't knowhow to get that.

26500:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,366If you don't want to do this,you should tank it.

26600:09:43,400 --> 00:09:44,951That's what I do whenI want to get out of something

26700:09:45,002 --> 00:09:47,336like a schedule,a parent-teacher conference,

26800:09:47,371 --> 00:09:49,121or this boring conversation.

26900:09:49,172 --> 00:09:50,289Tank it?Wow, no.

27000:09:50,340 --> 00:09:51,674That's not "how I roll."


22/45

27100:09:51,708 --> 00:09:53,542Thank you for saying thatin dated urban slang

27200:09:53,576 --> 00:09:55,177so that I'll understand you.

27300:09:55,212 --> 00:09:56,429Word.

27400:09:56,463 --> 00:09:59,015And I would certainly never tankon my friend Jenna.

27500:09:59,049 --> 00:10:00,383Because you'reterrified of her,

276

00:10:00,417 --> 00:10:02,602the way most white ladies arewith their best friends?

27700:10:02,636 --> 00:10:04,437That is racist,and only part true.

27800:10:04,471 --> 00:10:07,857A good person doesn'tintentionally do a bad job.

27900:10:07,891 --> 00:10:09,525I mean, look at Jack.

28000:10:09,559 --> 00:10:10,643He's in thisterrible position at work,

28100:10:10,694 --> 00:10:11,894he wishes he were

somewhere else.

28200:10:11,928 --> 00:10:13,195Is he tanking it?

28300:10:13,230 --> 00:10:16,265No. In fact,he's trying even harder.


23/45

28400:10:16,283 --> 00:10:19,619Tonight on NBC,Joe Rogan is Mandela.

28500:10:19,653 --> 00:10:22,405And if it's Wednesday, it mustbe cricket night in America.

28600:10:22,439 --> 00:10:25,658Then on Jay, a full hourof Gary Sinise's band.

28700:10:25,709 --> 00:10:30,162Oh, my God.Jack's tanking NBC!

28800:10:33,820 --> 00:10:36,120Turn your round.

God cop scene 24.

28900:10:36,134 --> 00:10:37,568I know whatyou're doing, Jack.

29000:10:37,602 --> 00:10:39,737You are purposelytanking the network.

291

00:10:39,771 --> 00:10:41,005Good God, Lemon,what is it

29200:10:41,039 --> 00:10:42,740with you liberalsand your conspiracy theories?

29300:10:42,774 --> 00:10:43,941I've got bad news for you.

29400:10:43,975 --> 00:10:46,293The CIA did notinvent crack cocaine,

29500:10:46,328 --> 00:10:48,245the Levees blew themselves upin New Orleans,


24/45

29600:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,265and no one is tryingto destroy NBC.

29700:10:51,299 --> 00:10:53,250Hang on, did you cast yourselfin this show?

29800:10:53,285 --> 00:10:54,251What can I say?

29900:10:54,286 --> 00:10:56,037We saw hundreds of actorsfor God.

30000:10:56,088 --> 00:10:58,255Finally, the network executivesaid I should just play it.

30100:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,757You're the network executive.

30200:10:59,791 --> 00:11:04,512Uh, could we have a moment,please?

30300:11:04,546 --> 00:11:06,514Fine.You got me.

30400:11:06,548 --> 00:11:09,467I'm steering the Titanicinto the iceberg.

30500:11:09,501 --> 00:11:10,851Why?Are you trying to get fired?

30600:11:10,886 --> 00:11:12,503

I'm trying to get Hankto sell the network,

30700:11:12,521 --> 00:11:13,888and the only wayto make him do that

30800:11:13,939 --> 00:11:16,107


25/45

is to turn it intoa money-losing embarrassment.

30900:11:16,141 --> 00:11:18,609[Gasps]This explains everything.

31000:11:18,643 --> 00:11:20,010How long has thisbeen going on?

31100:11:20,028 --> 00:11:21,612Seven years, eight?

31200:11:21,646 --> 00:11:22,730Six weeks.

31300:11:22,781 --> 00:11:24,348I have an investor lined up

31400:11:24,366 --> 00:11:26,784who'll buy the networkand keep me in charge.

31500:11:26,818 --> 00:11:28,152I can't tell youwho it is,

31600:11:28,186 --> 00:11:29,370

but his word is as good

31700:11:29,404 --> 00:11:31,455as the color consistencyon one of his Easter Eggs.

31800:11:31,490 --> 00:11:32,523Adolph Paas?

31900:11:32,541 --> 00:11:34,959

This is wrong, Jack.

32000:11:34,993 --> 00:11:37,745Lemon, I cannot go to anotherbusiness school reunion

32100:11:37,796 --> 00:11:40,998and sit at the non-CEO table


26/45

with the...

32200:11:41,032 --> 00:11:42,716Women and nice men.

32300:11:42,751 --> 00:11:44,885You're right, Lemon, the clockis ticking for both of us,

32400:11:44,920 --> 00:11:47,588but if I pull this off,it's good for you too.

32500:11:47,639 --> 00:11:50,874You've never worked at aproperly-managed company before.

32600:11:50,892 --> 00:11:52,176That's true.

32700:11:52,210 --> 00:11:53,727Before this, I ranan all-women's theater company.

32800:11:53,762 --> 00:11:56,547- Everyone was vice-president.- Think of the job stability.

32900:11:56,565 --> 00:12:00,217

Less stress, a commissarythat has taco Tuesdays again.

33000:12:00,235 --> 00:12:03,270After seven years,you'll finally have a life.

33100:12:03,321 --> 00:12:04,321And what if your plandoesn't work?

33200:12:04,356 --> 00:12:05,940Of course, it's a risk,

33300:12:05,991 --> 00:12:08,409but sometimes your only choiceis to blow everything up

334


27/45

00:12:08,443 --> 00:12:11,195and build something betterout of the rubble.

33500:12:11,229 --> 00:12:13,948Look at Sherman'smarch to the sea.

33600:12:13,999 --> 00:12:16,617Or what my good friend banetried to do to Gotham.

33700:12:16,668 --> 00:12:17,701Join me, Lemon.

33800:12:17,735 --> 00:12:19,170Help me tank NBC.

33900:12:19,204 --> 00:12:22,957

Never. You're playingwith peoples' lives here.

34000:12:23,008 --> 00:12:24,074Who do you think you are?

34100:12:24,092 --> 00:12:26,410God, we're ready for you.

34200:12:30,915 --> 00:12:34,351

If there is one thingI have realized from being God,

34300:12:34,386 --> 00:12:35,936it's that the more you know,

34400:12:35,971 --> 00:12:38,556the more you realizeyou do not...

345

00:12:38,590 --> 00:12:39,557Know.

34600:12:39,591 --> 00:12:40,858Why is helearning anything?

34700:12:40,892 --> 00:12:42,726


28/45


29/45


30/45


31/45

a surprise wedding,

38600:14:25,196 --> 00:14:26,396you're gonna wantto carry around

38700:14:26,414 --> 00:14:28,065your bridesmaid's dresswith you at all times.

38800:14:28,083 --> 00:14:31,068Look how great this isgonna look next to me.

38900:14:31,086 --> 00:14:32,419You know I can'twear green, Jenna.

39000:14:32,454 --> 00:14:35,623

The clinique lady saysI have witch undertones.

39100:14:35,674 --> 00:14:36,924Liz,this isn't about you.

39200:14:36,958 --> 00:14:39,009Now, tonight, we havea tasting with the caterer.

39300:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,127It's gonna bemolecular gastronomy.

39400:14:40,178 --> 00:14:43,013The cakeis a tasteless foam.

39500:14:43,048 --> 00:14:44,515[Deep voice]

There's no cake?

39600:14:44,549 --> 00:14:45,849Tonight on NBC...

39700:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,051Tank it,


32/45

39800:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,585the reality eventof the year

39900:14:48,603 --> 00:14:50,087where we make grandpasput on tank tops

40000:14:50,105 --> 00:14:52,189and then laugh at them.

40100:14:52,223 --> 00:14:53,641Tank it.

40200:14:53,692 --> 00:14:56,527You know what?I can't do anything tonight.

403

00:14:56,561 --> 00:15:01,264Because tonight is your surprisebachelorette party! Aah!

40400:15:01,283 --> 00:15:03,600Aah! No way!You planned it already?

40500:15:03,618 --> 00:15:06,570Sure. And you shouldget your hopes way up.

40600:15:06,604 --> 00:15:08,238See you at my apartmentat 8:00.

40700:15:08,272 --> 00:15:10,157Your apartment?Why?

40800:15:10,208 --> 00:15:12,275

It's a surprise.

40900:15:12,294 --> 00:15:14,828And there's nothing worsethan a surprise Lemon party.

41000:15:24,610 --> 00:15:26,543Kenneth,


33/45

darling,

41100:15:26,583 --> 00:15:28,691why don't you run outand get dessert?

41200:15:28,697 --> 00:15:31,666Oh, but we havegovernment ice cream.

41300:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,202And that's what you'regonna serve to Tracy Jordan?

41400:15:34,220 --> 00:15:36,137I'm as shockedas anybody.

41500:15:36,172 --> 00:15:38,757

Oh, uh, okay.

41600:15:38,808 --> 00:15:40,008Oh, maybe the nicevending machine

41700:15:40,042 --> 00:15:42,594at the prisonis working again.

418

00:15:45,881 --> 00:15:47,098You're a real man,Tracy Jordan,

41900:15:47,149 --> 00:15:48,316playing it cool all night

42000:15:48,351 --> 00:15:50,485while I rubbed your footunder the table.

42100:15:50,519 --> 00:15:51,987My foot?

42200:15:52,021 --> 00:15:54,072No.That's shoe stuffing.

423


34/45

00:15:54,106 --> 00:15:56,441It helps keepthe shape of my shoes.

42400:15:56,492 --> 00:15:59,194Why was yourubbing my foot anyway?

42500:16:01,747 --> 00:16:03,031Please.

42600:16:03,065 --> 00:16:05,000You knowwhat's happening here.

42700:16:05,034 --> 00:16:08,119I never knowwhat's happening anywhere.

428

00:16:08,170 --> 00:16:09,838[Giggling]

42900:16:09,872 --> 00:16:13,041Okay, let's getthis party started!

43000:16:13,075 --> 00:16:16,928Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

431

00:16:18,580 --> 00:16:19,714What is this?

43200:16:19,748 --> 00:16:21,082It's yourbachelorette party.

43300:16:21,100 --> 00:16:23,251Bethany from work is here,and a bunch of my neighbors,

43400:16:23,269 --> 00:16:24,636a clown.

43500:16:24,687 --> 00:16:27,255And there'sa God cop marathon on NBC.

436


35/45

00:16:27,273 --> 00:16:28,440I think Espositolied to us.

43700:16:28,474 --> 00:16:30,976What do you mean "you think"?You're God!

43800:16:31,027 --> 00:16:32,811I don't understandthe rules of this.

43900:16:32,862 --> 00:16:34,529Let us pray.

44000:16:34,563 --> 00:16:36,398To whom?

44100:16:36,432 --> 00:16:37,482

Before you say anything,

44200:16:37,533 --> 00:16:39,484I have one moresurprise for you.

44300:16:39,535 --> 00:16:42,404Officer, we're ready!

44400:16:42,438 --> 00:16:45,440

Oh, thank God.

44500:16:45,458 --> 00:16:47,909Listen up, ladies.You're all in a lot of trouble

44600:16:47,943 --> 00:16:51,112if you don't protect yourselvesagainst identity theft.

447

00:16:51,130 --> 00:16:53,281Please take a pamphlet,pass them along.

44800:16:53,299 --> 00:16:55,583Okay, you're upset.

44900:16:55,617 --> 00:16:56,835


36/45


37/45

And if he ever wakes upfrom that coma, I'm dead!

46300:17:25,481 --> 00:17:27,815That's whyI live for today.

46400:17:27,833 --> 00:17:30,785You're just using Kenneth,and I'm telling him everything!

46500:17:30,819 --> 00:17:33,588Whatever.Go ahead and try.

46600:17:33,622 --> 00:17:35,340I'm gonna have to try?

46700:17:35,374 --> 00:17:38,593

Worst night ever!

46800:17:38,627 --> 00:17:40,011[Crash]

46900:17:40,046 --> 00:17:41,329Just ask one of your famousfriends to be maid of honor!

47000:17:41,347 --> 00:17:43,598

Why do you think I asked youin the first place?

47100:17:43,632 --> 00:17:45,666Because you're not famous!

47200:17:45,685 --> 00:17:47,719You think I wantsomeone up there with me

473

00:17:47,770 --> 00:17:49,054that other peopleare looking at?

47400:17:49,105 --> 00:17:50,338I wanted youbecause you're nothing!

475


38/45

00:17:50,356 --> 00:17:51,606[Glass breaks][Screams]

47600:17:51,640 --> 00:17:52,840Yeah, I get it.

47700:17:52,858 --> 00:17:54,309You didn't wantto get Pippa Middleton.

47800:17:54,343 --> 00:17:56,811Why would youeven mention her?

47900:17:56,845 --> 00:17:58,980[Crash]

48000:17:59,014 --> 00:18:02,517

Who's gonna bemy maid of honor now, Liz?

48100:18:02,535 --> 00:18:03,568Nobody.

48200:18:03,619 --> 00:18:06,287From the rubble,I will build.

483

00:18:06,322 --> 00:18:08,656Are you talking about meunderneath your breath?

48400:18:08,690 --> 00:18:10,024Jenna, that's it.

48500:18:10,042 --> 00:18:11,826Nobody will beyour maid of honor

48600:18:11,860 --> 00:18:13,495because there's onlyone person who can be.

48700:18:13,529 --> 00:18:14,695You.

488


39/45

00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:17,165- What? That's crazy.- Think about it.

48900:18:17,199 --> 00:18:19,167There would be nobodyto steal your spotlight.

49000:18:19,201 --> 00:18:22,754In fact, you wouldhave two spotlights.

49100:18:22,805 --> 00:18:26,307I think the maid of honorshould sing at my wedding.

49200:18:26,342 --> 00:18:27,708Sure.

493

00:18:27,727 --> 00:18:29,427And she could do a fashionshow that takes the audience

49400:18:29,478 --> 00:18:31,045all the way throughthe wedding night.

49500:18:31,063 --> 00:18:32,514And what if she came inin a wheelchair,

49600:18:32,548 --> 00:18:37,102and then stood up, and everyoneapplauded and cried?

49700:18:37,153 --> 00:18:40,021I know you doubted me, but nowyou see my plan could work.

49800:18:40,055 --> 00:18:42,824

So what do you say?

49900:18:42,858 --> 00:18:44,225Are you on board, Liz?

50000:18:44,243 --> 00:18:45,660You just called me Liz!


40/45

50100:18:45,694 --> 00:18:47,162Oh, we can fix thatin the cutting room.

50200:18:47,196 --> 00:18:48,696Uh, Jonathan...

50300:18:48,730 --> 00:18:50,865Where's my car?

50400:18:55,204 --> 00:18:59,841Kenneth, I have somethingI need to tell you.

50500:18:59,875 --> 00:19:03,011Last night when you left,Hazel came on to me

506

00:19:03,045 --> 00:19:04,629'cause she wants meto put her in a movie.

50700:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,747Hazel, is this true?

50800:19:06,766 --> 00:19:09,467Yeah, it is true.

509

00:19:09,518 --> 00:19:10,585Not!

51000:19:10,603 --> 00:19:11,919What I said was

51100:19:11,937 --> 00:19:14,522I would never sleep with Tracyfor a part in a movie.

512

00:19:14,557 --> 00:19:17,308Oh, please, you would love forme to fall asleep on top of you.

51300:19:17,359 --> 00:19:18,893Come on,Kenmore washers and dryers,

514


41/45

00:19:18,928 --> 00:19:20,695who you gonna believe here?

51500:19:20,729 --> 00:19:23,264- My best friend.- Not really.

51600:19:23,282 --> 00:19:25,766- And my girlfriend.- You wish.

51700:19:25,785 --> 00:19:27,768Well, I alwaysbelieve you, sir,

51800:19:27,787 --> 00:19:29,320because you're on television.

51900:19:29,371 --> 00:19:31,706

And webisodes.

52000:19:31,740 --> 00:19:33,708But yesterday you told meour women are queens,

52100:19:33,742 --> 00:19:34,942and they're always right,

52200:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,213

which means I shouldbelieve Hazel.

52300:19:38,247 --> 00:19:40,782But that would make you wrong,Mr. Jordan.

52400:19:40,816 --> 00:19:43,418And you've never been wrongabout anything before.

52500:19:43,452 --> 00:19:45,253It's a blessingand a purse.

52600:19:45,287 --> 00:19:48,640You can't both be right.

527


42/45

00:19:52,895 --> 00:19:55,230Unless Hazelis always right.

52800:19:55,264 --> 00:19:58,299But only because you said so,Mr. Jordan,

52900:19:58,317 --> 00:20:01,603which meansyou're right too.

53000:20:01,637 --> 00:20:05,273And both sides being rightis like kissing your sister.

53100:20:05,307 --> 00:20:08,276A wonderful treat!

532

00:20:08,310 --> 00:20:09,744[Laughs]

53300:20:09,778 --> 00:20:11,246Bad move, Jordan.

53400:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,481We'll see who's stillworking here in six months.

535

00:20:13,499 --> 00:20:16,034My hearing is badbecause of firecrackers,

53600:20:16,085 --> 00:20:19,037but we'll see who's stillworking here in six months.

53700:20:19,088 --> 00:20:21,489- That's what I just said.- What?

53800:20:21,507 --> 00:20:22,874Okay, I get it.

53900:20:22,925 --> 00:20:24,659Sometimes tanking itis the only option.


43/45

54000:20:24,677 --> 00:20:26,094What did you do?

54100:20:26,128 --> 00:20:29,597Fake a sprained ankle to getout of that breast health 5k?

54200:20:29,632 --> 00:20:30,831No, I did that.

54300:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,500I forgot my sports bra,so ironically...

54400:20:32,518 --> 00:20:33,801Uh, it doesn't matter,Lemon.

545

00:20:33,835 --> 00:20:36,521I'm just gladthat you've seen the light.

54600:20:36,555 --> 00:20:40,975Now, help me tank NBC,and you'll be helping yourself.

54700:20:41,009 --> 00:20:42,227You'll have it all.

54800:20:42,278 --> 00:20:44,395Jack, it's 9:30in the morning.

54900:20:44,446 --> 00:20:46,981We're not trying to doa good job here, Lemon.

55000:20:47,015 --> 00:20:48,116Now, what do you say?

55100:20:48,150 --> 00:20:51,686Are you in?

55200:20:51,704 --> 00:20:53,621Let's takethis mother down.


44/45

55300:21:00,658 --> 00:21:02,742- Next word, "sent."- I don't care.

55400:21:02,780 --> 00:21:05,282Okay, "cent" like a penny.Whatever.

55500:21:05,333 --> 00:21:06,733No! Sorry, no.

55600:21:06,751 --> 00:21:09,502Oh, it's a homonymdouble down.

55700:21:09,537 --> 00:21:10,754Means youget to guess again.

55800:21:10,788 --> 00:21:11,788- "Sent."- Okay, um...

55900:21:11,839 --> 00:21:15,125Then "scent"like a smell or an odor.

56000:21:15,176 --> 00:21:17,010No. It's the third one.

56100:21:17,044 --> 00:21:18,578[Bleep] Yourself!

56200:21:18,596 --> 00:21:20,413Next word is "au pere."

56300:21:20,431 --> 00:21:21,965What? There is onlyone definition.

56400:21:22,016 --> 00:21:23,583It's like a nanny,a foreign nanny.

56500:21:23,601 --> 00:21:24,751No! You forgot.


45/45

56600:21:24,769 --> 00:21:26,436It could also be an exclamationabout a fruit,

56700:21:26,470 --> 00:21:28,305as in, "oh, pear!"

56800:21:28,356 --> 00:21:30,190What you are doing hereis not right!

56900:21:30,224 --> 00:21:32,525I'm... I'm leaving.[Laughs]

57000:21:34,269 --> 00:21:39,269Sync, corrections by dr.jacksonfor www.addic7ed.com

30 rock - 07x01 - the beginning of the end

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