30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS

HowManipulatorsTakeControlinPersonalRelationshipsby

AdelynBirch©2015ADELYNBIRCH

Allrightsreserved.Nopartsofthispublicationmaybereproduced,storedinaretrievalsystemortransmitted,inanyformorbyanymeans,electronic,

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CONTENTS

CHAPTERONE:

WHATISCOVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION?

CHAPTERTWO:

HOWCANYOUTELLIFYOU’REBEINGMANIPULATED?19SIGNS

CHAPTERTHREE:

30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS

CHAPTERFOUR:

IREFUSETOHAVETHISDISCUSSION!ALLABOUTINVALIDATION

CHAPTERFIVE:

THEMOSTPOWERFULMOTIVATORONTHEPLANET,INTERMITTENTREINFORCEMENT

CHAPTERSIX:

INTIMACYORINTENSITY?ARELATIONSHIPLITMUSTEST

CHAPTERSEVEN:

NOWWHAT?

CHAPTEREIGHT:

YOURBASICHUMANRIGHTS

CHAPTERONE:

WHATISCOVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATION?

"Untilyourealizehoweasilyitisforyourmindtobemanipulated,youremainthepuppetofsomeoneelse'sgame."

~EvitaOchel

Covertemotionalmanipulationtacticsareunderhandedmethodsofcontrol.Thesedeceptivetacticsacttochangeyourbehaviorandperceptions.Covertmanipulationoperatesunderthelevelofyourconsciousawareness.Victimsusuallydonotrealizetheyarebeingmanipulatedwhileitishappening.Thatisexactlywhyitisimportanttobecomeawareofthemethodsmanipulatorsuse.

Whoarethesemanipulativepeople?

Themostskillfulanddangerousmanipulatorsarethoseincludedinpsychology's"darktriad."Psychopathic,narcissisticandMachiavellianpersonalitieslackempathyandmanipulateinaplannedandpurposefulwayfortheirownpersonalgain,nomatterthecosttosomeoneelse.Theyarecallous,insensitive,aggressiveandopportunisticindividualswhouseothersandactoutagainstthemtoachievetheirownends.Itisentirelypossibletohaveamemberofthedarktriadasyourpartner,friend,neighbor,relative,coworkerorboss.Theyattempttohidewhotheyreallyarebycreatingaseeminglynormal,andoftenacharmingandlikeable,persona;buttheirmaliciousintentremainsactivebehindthemask.Theseindividualsaredetrimentaltothementalhealthofanyonewhohasclosecontactwiththem.

Peoplewithoutseriouspsychologicaldisordersalsousemanipulationtogetwhattheywant,withoutmaliciousintentandsometimeswithoutanyawarenessofwhattheyaredoing.Itissaidthatwe'reallguiltyofusingmanipulationonoccasioninsteadofcommunicatingourneedsanddesiresinadirectway.Thereisasignificantdifferencebetweensomeonewhoisapathologicalmanipulatorandsomeonewhousesmanipulationtogetwhattheywantfromtimetotime.Pathologicalmanipulatorshavenootherwaytorelatetoothersandnothingreal

toofferinarelationship,suchasloveandintimacy.Thereisnowaytochangethem.

Manipulationunderminesyourabilitytoconsciouslymakedecisionsandtakeactionsinyourownbestinterest,inaccordancewithyourpersonalvaluesandboundaries.Inotherwords,manipulationgetsyoutodothingsyouwouldn'totherwisedo.

Atitsworse,emotionalmanipulationmethodicallywearsdownyourself-worthandself-confidenceanddamagesyourtrustinyourownperceptions.Itcanmakeyouunwittinglycompromiseyourselftothepointoflosingyourself-respectanddevelopingawarpedconceptofreality.Withyourdefensesweakenedorcompletelydisarmedinthismanner,youareleftevenmorevulnerabletofurthermanipulation.

Askilledemotionalmanipulatorgetsyoutoputyoursenseofself-worthandemotionalwell-beingintohisorherhands.Onceyou'retrickedintomakingthatgravemistake,theymethodicallychipawayatyouridentityandwreakhavoconyourpsychologicalhealth.

Inordertobesuccessful,apurposefulandmaliciousmanipulatormustknowyourvulnerabilities,concealtheiraggressiveintentionsandbehavior,andberuthlessenoughnottocarewhatharmtheirmanipulationcausesyou.Takingcontrolandgettingwhattheywantareallthatmatters.

Becomingawareofthetacticsmanipulatorsuseenablesyoutoidentifyconcealedaggression.Butitisnotalwayseasytodo,becausemanipulatorscountonyourtrust,doubtandstrongemotions–guilt,fear,loveandshame–topreventyoufromthinkingclearlyandseeingthemanipulation.Inmanycasestheymanufacturetheseemotionspurposelyforthatreason.That'showmanipulatorsgetawaywithwhattheydo.Therefore,itisveryimportantforyoutorecognizewhenyouaredoubtingyourownperceptionsorintuition,orexperiencinganemotionthatmakesyouvulnerabletomanipulation.

Althoughthisbookisfocusesonromanticrelationships,themanipulationtacticsdescribedaresimplythat,manipulationtactics.Manyarethesamemethodsemployedbymanipulativefriends,familymembers,coworkers,bosses,neighborsandevenchildren.

CHAPTERTWO:

HOWCANYOUTELLIFYOU’REBEINGMANIPULATED?19SIGNS

Emotionalmanipulationcanbesosubtleandundercoverthatitcancontrolyouforalongtimebeforeyoufigureoutwhat'shappening,ifyoueverdoatall.Somemanipulatorsarehighlyskilled.They'redescribedaspuppetmasters,andyoucouldunknowinglybecomeapuppetifyoudon'tknowthesigns.

Asyourstringsarepulledthiswayandthat,youdojustwhatthepuppetmasterwantsyoutodo.Youthinkyou'reactingfromyourownfreewill,butyouarenot.

Ifyou'reavictimofmanipulationyouprobablyknowsomethingiswrong,butyou'renotquitesurewhatitis.Youmightevensuspectyou'rebeingmanipulatedbutyoudon'tknowforsureifyouareorhowit'sbeingdone.Onethingyoudoknowisthatyouwantanswers--areyoubeingmanipulatedornot?Howcanyoutell?

Actually,itiseasierandmoreobviousthanyoumightthinkitis.

It'ssmarttolearnthetechniquesofcovertemotionalmanipulation,andyou'lldojustthatinthenextchapter.Butthetruthisyoudon'thavetoknowanythingatallaboutthetechniquestoknowifyou'rebeingmanipulated.Youonlyneedtolookatyourselftoknowifmanipulationisatplay.

Manipulationisdetrimentalandhasprofoundnegativeeffectsonus,evenifwedon'tknowit'shappening.Thosenegativeeffectsaretheevidenceleftwhenthecrimeofmanipulationhastakenplace.

Ifyouareinarelationshipandnoticeanyofthefollowingsigns,thereisahighprobabilityyouarebeingmanipulated:

•Yourjoyatfindinglovehasturnedintothefearoflosingit.Yourfeelingshavegonefromhappinessandeuphoriatoanxiety,sadnessandevendesperation.

•Yourmooddependsentirelyonthestateoftherelationship,andyouareexperiencingextremehighsandlows.

•You’reunhappyintherelationshipanduncertainaboutitmuchofthetime,yetyoudreadlosingitbecauseyou'reblissfullyhappyeverynowandthen.

•Youfeellikeyou'reresponsibleforruiningthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyou,butyou'renotsurehow.

•Yourrelationshipfeelsverycomplex,althoughyou'redon'tknowwhy.Whentalkingtoothersaboutit,youmightfindyourselfsaying“It’shardtoexplain.It'sjustreallycomplicated."

•Youcontinuallyobsessabouttherelationship,analyzingeverydetailrepeatedlyinadesperateattemptto“figureitout.”Youtalkaboutitallthetimetoanyonewhowilllisten.Itdoesn'tdoanygood.

•Youneverfeelsureofwhereyoustandwithyourpartner,whichleavesyouinaperpetualstateofuncertaintyandanxiety.

•Youfrequentlyaskyourpartnerifsomethingiswrong.Itreallydoesfeelasifsomething'swrong,butyouarenotsurewhatitis.

•Youarefrequentlyonthedefensive.Youfeelmisunderstoodandhavetheneedtoexplainanddefendyourself.

•Youseemtohavedevelopedaproblemwithtrust,jealousy,insecurity,angeroroverreaction,whichyourpartnerhaspointedouttoyouonmanyoccasions.

•Youhavebecomeadetective.Youscourthewebforinformationaboutyourpartner,keepacloseeyeonhisorhersocialmediaaccounts,andfeelaneedtochecktheirwebsearchhistory,textsoremails.Whentheyarenotathome,youhaveadesiretoverifytheirwhereaboutsasyouworryaboutwheretheyreallyare.

•Youfeelthatyoudon’ttrulyknowhowtomakeyourpartnerhappy.Youtryhardbutnothingseemstowork,atleastnotforlong.Youusedtomakethemveryhappyandyou'renotsurewhat'schanged.

•Expressingnegativethoughtsandemotionsfeelsrestrictedorevenforbidden,soyoutrytokeepthosethingstoyourself.Youfeelfrustratedatbeingunabletotalkaboutthingsthatarebotheringyou.

•Youdon’tfeelasgoodaboutyourselfasyoudidbeforetherelationship.Youfeellessconfident,lesssecure,lessintelligent,lesssane,lesstrusting,less

attractiveorinsomeotherway“lessthan”whatyouwerebefore.

•Youalwaysfeelyou’refallingshortofyourpartner’sexpectations.Youfeelinadequate.

•Youoftenfeelguiltyandfindyourselfapologizingalot.Youcontinuallytrytorepairdamageyoubelieveyou'vecaused.Youblameyourselfforyourpartnerpullingawayfromyou.Youcan'tunderstandwhyyoukeepsabotagingtherelationship.

•Youcarefullycontrolyourwords,actionsandemotionsaroundyourpartnertokeephimorherfromwithdrawingtheiraffectionagain.

•Attimes,youeruptlikeanemotionalvolcanofilledwithanger,frustrationandevenhostility.Youhaveneveractedthiswaybeforeandvowthatyouwillstop,butnomatterhowhardyoutryitkeepshappening.

•Youdothingsyouaren'treallycomfortablewithorthatgoagainstyourvalues,limitsorboundaries,inordertomakeyourpartnerhappyandkeeptherelationshipintact.

Youshouldhaveyouranswer.

Thereisonecaveat.Ifyourpastrelationshipshavehadanongoingpatternofinsecurity,mistrustandfearofabandonment,youmayhaveapsychologicalissuethatwouldbenefitfromprofessionalintervention.

Youmightbewonderinghowyouoranyoneelsecouldstayinarelationshipthatcausesfear,anxiety,depression,self-doubt,confusionandfrustration.Wouldn'tyouknowsomethingisterriblywrong?Whywouldyoustay?

First,manipulativerelationshipsdon'tstartoutthisway.Infact,theserelationshipusuallygetofftoanamazingstart.Heorsheseemslikeyourperfectpartner--maybeevenyoursoulmate--andthehoneymoonphaseisidyllic.Whenthingstakeaturnfortheworse,youhavenoideawhatisreallygoingon.Naturally,youtrytoworkthingsoutandregainwhatwasoncesopromisingandwonderful.Havingbeenmanipulatedintoblamingyourselffortheproblems,youhangonandtrytorepairthedamageyoubelieveyoucausedandregainyourpartner'slove.Yourloyaltyseemstopayoffandyouandyourpartnerareonceagaincloseandloving...forawhile.Itbecomesacycle,oneyou'renotfullyawareof.

Second,manipulationbeginsslowlyandinsidiously,andgraduallyescalates.

"Manipulationisanevolvingprocessovertime,"accordingtoHarrietB.Braiker,PhD.,authorof"Who'sPullingYourStrings."Braikersaysvictimsarecontrolledthroughaseriesofpromisedgainsandthreatenedlosses,covertlyexecutedthroughavarietyofmanipulationtactics.Inotherwords,themanipulationbuildsgraduallyastheabusercreatesuncertaintyanddoubtbygoingbackandforthfromgivingyouwhatyoudesiretothreateningtotakeitaway.

Thiscyclewillbediscussedinmoredetailinthechapteronintermittentreinforcement.

JoeNavarro,M.A.,a25-yearveteranoftheFBIandauthorofthebookDangerousPersonalities,writes“Intheend,itdoesn’tmatterhowyougotintothatrelationship,itistherealizationthatitisone-sided,exploitative,andtoxicthatcounts.Thequestionsthatneedtobeaskedareverysimple.'Aretheyusingtheircharmsorbehaviortocontrolyouorothersfortheirownbenefit?Aretheymanipulatingyou?Aretheydoingthingsthathurtyouorputyouatrisk?Doyoufeellikethisrelationshipisonesided?Areyouhurtinginthisrelationship?'Iftheanswertothesequestionsisyes,itistimetountangleyourselffromthetoxicstringsthatcontrolyousoyoucangetyourlifeback.Takeheed-youhavenosocialobligationtobevictimized–ever."

Emotionalmanipulationisemotionalabuse.Apersonwhocontrolsyourfeelingsandbehaviorwithcovertmanipulationdoesnotvalueorrespectyouorcareaboutyourwell-being.Leavetherelationshipifatallpossible,andseekprofessionalcounselingifnecessary.Involvementwithaskilledmanipulatorcanresultinseriousandlastingpsychologicalharm.

Onlyyoucandecideifarelationshipisworthwhileandsalvageableorifitisdetrimentaltoyouandneedstoend.

Thelastchapterwillprovideyouwithresourcesthatwillenableyoutolearnhowtodealwithmanipulators.

Awarenessisoneofyourprimarydefensesagainstcovertmanipulation.Withthatthought,whatfollowsaredescriptionsofthirtycovertemotionalmanipulationtactics.Afewofthemwillbeexploredinmoredepthinchaptersthatfollow.

CHAPTERTHREE:

30COVERTEMOTIONALMANIPULATIONTACTICS

"Whenyouknowwhatamanwantsyouknowwhoheis,andhowtomovehim."

~GeorgeR.R.Martin

1.IntermittentReinforcement

"Themoreinfrequentlythecrumbsofloveareoffered,themorehookedyouare.Youbecomeconditioned,likearatinacage."

~Unknown

Intermittentreinforcementisanextremelypowerfulandeffectivemanipulationtactic.Infact,psychologyexpertsconsideritthemostpowerfulmotivatorinexistence.Usingthistactic,themanipulator"motivates"thevictimtobehave,thinkorfeelthewayheorshewantsthemto.

Intermittentreinforcementoccurswhenamanipulatorgiveshisvictimpositivereinforcement--attention,praise,appreciation,affection,sex,adoration,declarationsoflove--onlyonarandombasis.Theymaygivepositivereinforcementinresponsetoabehaviortheyaretryingtoincrease,ortheycanwithholdittocreateuncertainty,anxietyandlonginginthevictim.

Intermittentreinforcementcreatesaclimateofdoubt,fearandanxietythatcompelsthevictimtopersistentlyseekactsofpositivereinforcementfromthemanipulatorthatwillalleviatetheirangst.Whentherewardofpositivereinforcementisgiven,itisverypowerful.Itfloodsthebrainwithdopamineandotherfeel-goodneurotransmittersandhormones.Itcreatesaddiction.

Ifyou'reavictimofthistactic,youwillsensethemanipulatoriswithdrawing.Heorsheisnotgivingyoutheattentionandaffectionthattheyusedto,andyouwillfearthatsomethingiswrongandthatyouarelosingthem.Ifyouaskthemifsomethingiswrong,theywilldenyit.Atsomepointthemanipulatorwillactonceagainliketheattentive,romantic,interestedandlovingpersontheyoncewere.Youranxietyanddoubtarerelieved,andyouareontopoftheworld.Butthentheywithdrawagain,andyouareconsumedwithanxietyoncemore.Byusingintermittentreinforcementthemanipulatorwillhaveyouridinganemotionalrollercoaster,yourmoodsandemotionalwell-beingdependentuponwhetherheorsheiswithholdingfromyouorrewardingyou.

Themanipulatordoesthisonpurposetoincreasehisorherpowerandcontroloveryouandtomakeyouevermoredesperatefortheirlove,attentionorapproval.Youwillhavebecometheproverbiallabratlivingforarandomlydispensedmorsel.Theratthinksofnothingelse,andeitherwillyou.

Yourbondwiththemanipulatorwillbecomestrongerinresponsetointermittentreinforcement,alongwithyourdesiretopleasethemandyourfearoflosingthem.

Thisismaliciousmanipulationatitsworse.

Intermittentreinforcementisexploredinmoredepthinchapterfive.

2.NegativeReinforcement

Usingthetacticofnegativereinforcement,themanipulatorstopsdoingsomethingyoudon'tlikewhenyoustartdoingsomethingheorshedoeslike.Thismakesitmorelikelythatyouwilldowhattheylikeinthefuture.

Forexample,youbehaveinsomewaythemanipulatordoesnotwantyouto.PerhapsyougooutwithyourfriendsonFridaynightsorrefusetoparticipateinsomesexualactivityyouareaverseto.Inresponse,theyengageinbehaviorthathurtsyou,suchaswithholdingaffectionorgivingyouthesilenttreatment.Themanipulatorstopsthehurtfulbehaviorwhenyoustartactingthewayhewants,suchaspromisingtogiveupyourFridayget-togethersorengaginginthesexualactivityhedesires.

It'sverysimple.Themanipulatorknowsyouarelikelytogiveineventuallyinordertostophisorherhurtfulactions.Itisaneffectivewaytogetyoutobehavethewaytheywantyouto,andtomakeyoumorelikelytobehavethatwayagain.

3.BackingIntoanEmotionalCorner

"Yourgreatestenemywillhideinthelastplaceyouwouldeverlook."

~Caesar

You'reunstable!Youhaveaproblemwithanger!You'recrazy!

Amanipulatorwillintentionallycauseyoutohaveanemotionalmeltdown,andthentellyouthatyou'recrazyoroutofcontrol.Thepurposeistocreateaconfusingandemotionalscenethatwilldistractyoufromanissueyouconfrontedthemanipulatorabout.Theissueinsteadbecomesyourapparentemotionalinstability.Thistacticalsoallowsthemanipulatortogainmorepowerandcontrol.

Here'sanexampleofhowthistacticisputintoplay:

Youareupsetbysomethingthemanipulatordidandyouconfronthimorheraboutit.Perhapshedidsomethingthatarousedyoursuspicionorangeredyou.Themanipulatordoesnotwanttoconfronttheissueathand,soheobfuscatesitbyturningthefocusontoyoubyusingyouremotionsagainstyou.Hedoesnotmentiontheissueyoubroughtup;instead,heimmediatelyshiftsthefocustoyourapparentinsecurityorjealousyorsuspiciousnature,whichhesaysisunacceptable.

Youbecomedefensive,frustratedandupset.Themanipulatorseizesonyouremotionalupset,andsayssomethinglike"YoualreadyknowIwon'ttolerateyouraisingyourvoiceatme,"or"IsitPMStimeagain?"or"You'renottryingtopickanotherfight,areyou?"or"Icanseeyou'reheadedtowardoneofyourmeltdowns."Thiswillincreaseyourfrustrationandmakeyoubecomeevenmoreemotional.

Thenthemanipulatorwilltellyouthathecan'tdealwiththisanymore,thathe'sbecomingtiredofyourdramaandyouroverreaction.Atthispoint(ifyouhaven'tdonesoalready)you'llhaveanemotionalmeltdownandthencollapseintofrustratedsobs.Thenthemanipulatorwillannouncethatyou'reunstableorcrazyorabusiveorthatyouhaveanangermanagementproblem,andsaysthathewillleaveyouifyoucan'tgetyouryourselfundercontrol.

Themanipulatorbackedyouintoanemotionalcorner.Predictably,youcame

outswinging.

Themanipulatorwillstormoffinfeignedangerandbeginaprotractedepisodeofthesilenttreatment,whichisyetanotherwaytoavoidtherealissue(andanothermanipulationtactic).

Youareashamedathowyouactedandfeeldisappointedinyourself.Youcan'tunderstandwhyyoukeepgoingoffthedeepend.Youwillcometobelievethatyouactuallydohaveanemotionalproblem,onethatissabotagingyourpreviouslywonderfulrelationship.Youvowtoyourselfnottoletithappenagain,butsuppressingyourfrustrationonlyguaranteesthatyourbuttonswillbeeveneasiertopushnexttime.

Youunwittinglyenteraviciouscyclewithnowayout.

Whenyou'vebeenbackedintoanemotionalcorner,actingoutdoesnotmeanyou'recrazyorthatyouhaveanangermanagementproblem.Itmeansyou'reanormalpersonreactingtoanintenselystressfulsituation.Butwhenyouhaveanemotionalreactiontothatstress,you'remadetobelieveyouhaveaproblem.

Youremotionalreactionstomanipulationarenottheproblem--themanipulationistheproblem.

Thisispsychologicalwarfareatitslowest.

4.ShiftingTheFocus

Shiftingthefocususuallyhappensalongwiththetacticofbackingintoanemotionalcorner,butitcanhappenevenifyouconfrontamanipulatorinamatter-of-factway,withoutemotionaldrama,andheorshehassomethingtohide.

Withthistactic,youattempttotalkaboutaconcernyouhavewiththemanipulator,suchasuspicionthatheorsheischeatingonyou.Insteadofdealingwiththestatedconcern,themanipulatorsimplydeniesyourallegations,expressesincredulitythatyoucouldeventhinksuchathingaboutthem,andthendiscussestherealproblem--yoursupposedcharacterflaw,suchasinsecurityorjealousy--makingitclearthattheyfindithighlyunattractive.Sincethisisyetanothertacticthatmakesyoubelievetherelationshipisintroubleanditisyourfault,youlearnnotaskquestionsandinsteaddoubtyoursuspicionsandyourself.

Aninterestingandsurprisinglycommonexampleofshiftingthefocus:

Youhavestrongsuspicionsthatyourpartnerishavinganaffair.Gainingaccesstohisorheremailortextmessagesrevealsevidencethatsupportsyoursuspicions.Youconfrontthemanipulatorwiththeevidence,butthefocusisimmediatelyshiftedtoyourinvasionofhisorherprivacyand(ironically)toyourlackoftrust.Somehow,itworks.Manipulatorswilltryanything,nomatterhowoutrageousitmaybe,andtheyareoftensuccessful.

Whenyouareimmersedintheconfusingworldtheycreate,normalrulesdon'tseemtoapplyanymore.

5.PrematureDisclosure

Usingthistactic,manipulatorsrevealintimateinformationaboutthemselvesearlyontocreateafalsesenseofintimacyforthepurposeofgainingyourtrust.

Themanipulator'sself-disclosurecanincludetheirthoughts,feelings,goals,fears,dreams,embarrassments,likesanddislikes,andsuccessesandfailures.You’llfeelfreetodisclosethingsaboutyourselfinreturn.

Self-revelationinvolvesvulnerabilitybecauseoftheriskofrejection,butwhenthedisclosureismetwithacceptanceandunderstanding,itcreatesemotionalintimacyandtrust.Thisisespeciallysowhenthemanipulatorsaysshefeelsthesamewayyoudo,thatshelikesthesamethingsorthatshehadtheverysamethinghappentoher.

Thereisalsotheopportunitytoimpressthetargetbydisclosingachievementsandphilanthropicorcompassionateacts.

Manipulatorscountonthisnormalbondingbehaviortoworkintheirfavor.

6.Triangulation

"Neverlettheotherpersonuseabsence,orcreatepainandconflict,tokeepyou,theseduced,ontenterhooks."

~RobertGreene,TheArtofSeduction

Triangulationisadeviousandeffectivetacticinamanipulator’sarsenal.Themanipulatorcreatesatrianglebetweenyou,himorher,andsomethirdpersonoutsideofyourrelationship.Itisintendedtomakeyoufeelinsecureabouttherelationship,andthereforemoreeagertopleasethemanipulatorinordertokeephimorheraround.

Themanipulatorwillfiguratively(orliterally)bringanothermanorwomanintotherelationshipinsomeway.Theymighttalkcasually--andfrequently--aboutanoldflame,acoworkerorsomeonetheybumpintoregularlyontheirmorningcoffeerun.Ortheymightobviouslyflirtwithsomeoneinfrontofyou.Theirinterestintheotherpersoncreatesinsecurity.Iftheymakesubtleunfavorablecomparisonsbetweenyouandtheoutsideperson,whichthey'reapttodo,thatmakesitmuchworse.

Ifyouconfrontthemtheywilldenyinterestintheotherpersonandtellyouthattherealproblemisyourinsecurityorlowself-esteem.Wherehaveyouheardthatbefore?

Itisnotuncommonforthemanipulatortobegroomingtheotherpersonashisorhernexttarget,whileconvenientlyusingthatpersontodevalueandmanipulateyouatthesametime.Forexample,themanipulatormightflirtwithanotherwomaninfrontofyousohecanbuildhisrelationshipwithherwhilecausingyoutobehavejealously,whichcanthenbeusedasthereasontoendyourrelationship.

Inahealthyrelationship,youwillknowwhereyoustandwithyourpartner.Amanipulatorcreatesanongoingsenseofuncertainly.

7.BlamingTheVictim

"You’vesaddledmewithalieIneverdeserved...youledmetobelieveIwasresponsible."

~ThePrize,IrvingWallaceWiththistactic,themanipulatorholdsthevictimresponsiblefortheproblemsinarelationship.Thistacticisapowerfulmeansofputtingyouonthedefense(whichmakesyoulookguilty)ormakingyoubelieveyoutrulyaretheonetoblame.

Astherelationshipgoesbadandwhenitfinallycomestoanend,themanipulatorwillclaimthatyouaretheoneatfault.Theymayevenmanipulatemutualfriendsandfamilyintobelievingyouaretheonetoblame,turningthemagainstyou.Justwhenyouneedsupport,youfindyourselfwithlittleornone.Skilledmanipulatorsalwayspretendtheyare,orwere,thevictim. 

8.IndirectInsultsandAbuse

"Alwaysremember,heknowsEXACTLYwhichbuttonstopush."

~unknown

Name-callingandinsultsaredirectandobviouslyaggressiveandabusive.Anunderhandedwaytodisguiseaggressionandabuseistodeliveritwithouttheangryorsarcastictoneofvoiceandtomakeitsoundliketeaching,helping,givingadviceorofferingsolutions.Itappearstobeasincereattempttohelportocompliment,butit’sactuallytheopposite.It'sapowerfulwaytoundermineyourconfidenceinyourselfandyourabilities.

Forexample,amanipulatormighttellyouthatyouwouldbelessboringasadancepartnerifyoutookafewlessons(whenyouneverknewheconsideredyouboringtodancewith);orshemighttellyouthatshethinksyou'reaperfectly"adequate"partnerwhenyouquestionheraboutwhatyousenseasheremotionalwithdrawal;orhemightsaythathelovesitwhenyouwearthatdressbecauseithassuchaslimmingeffectonyou.

Theseindirectinsultsaresometimescalledbackhandedcompliments,butthatdoesn'tdojusticetotheeffectthistactichaswhenthemanipulator--someonewhomyouconsiderclosetoyouandwhomyoubelievehasyourbestinterestatheart--zerosinonyourbiggestinsecuritiesordisparageswhatyouconsideryourbestqualities.

9.InsinuatingCommentsorCompliments

Themanipulator"innocently"makeswhatisactuallyacarefullycraftedinsinuatingcommentdesignedtoevokeanuncomfortableemotionalresponse.Whenyoutakeoffense,hewilltellyouthatisnotwhatheintended.Thestatementisusuallydisguisedasa"compliment,"butit'sonethatdoesnotfeelveryflattering.Itisdisguisedenough,though,foryoutobelieveyoumighthavemisunderstood.

Themanipulatorknowswhatwillbotheryou,andheorshewillenjoydroppingabomblikethisandwatchingthefallout.Theircommentisdesignedtohaveseveralpossiblemeanings,manyofwhichwillinspirehurtfeelingsanddoubt.Youmayfeelflummoxedandleftwithoutameaningfulresponsewhenyoufirsthearitbecauseithassomanypossibleinterpretations.

Asanexample,yourpartnersmilesandsays,“Youknowwhat?Youcouldmakealotofmoneyasaprostitute!”afteryou'vehadsexwithhim.Whenyouquestionhimhewilltellyouhemeantitasacompliment.Butyouwillwonderwhathereallymeant,foralongtimetocome.

Fortheexamplegiven,youmightwonderwhyyourpartnerwasthinkingaboutprostituteswhenhewasinbedwithyou;whyheknowssomuchaboutprostitutioninthefirstplace;whathereallythinksofyou;andtheamountyoushouldputonthebillyou'retemptedtosendtohim.Andyouwillalsowonderifhewasjustcomplimentingyouonhowgreataloverhethinksyouare,ashesaidhewas.

Commentslikethesewillgotoworkonyouandprovidethefuelforplentyofresentment,futureargumentsandrelationshipinsecurity.It'seasyforthemanipulatortomakeitlooklikeamisunderstandingonyourpart,butthereinliestheclue:themanipulatorsaysheorshemeantitasaninnocentcomplimentthatyousimplymisunderstood.Ofcourseyoudid;acomplimentdoesn'tusuallyhurtyourfeelingsandleaveyouwonderingaboutitsrealmeaningforyearstocome.

10.Guilt

Askilledmanipulatorcanmakeyoufeelincrediblyguiltyfornotdoingsomethingtheywantyoutodo.Yourconscienceandyourdesiretobeagoodpersoncanbeusedtocontrolyou.Theycanmakeyoulosesightofthefactthatyoudon'twanttodowhatthemanipulatorwantsyoutodo,butyou'vebeenmadetofeelthatyoushoulddoit.

Manyofusareconditionedtofeelguiltbyourfamily,religionandsociety,soitiseasyformanipulatorstomakeusfeelit,too.Beingabletofeelguiltmeanswehaveaconscience.It'snotabadthing,exceptwhenit'sexploited.

Guiltisanegativeemotionexperiencedwhenwebelievewehaveharmedsomeoneorwhensomethingwe'vedone,orfailedtodo,madesomeonethinkpoorlyofus.Ournaturalreactionistoapologize,makeamends,andactinawaythatwillmaketheotherpersonthinkhighlyofusagain,whichmeansactinginthewaythatpersonwantsustoact.

Guiltiscloselyrelatedtoshameandanxiety.Itisanuncomfortableemotion,sowearehighlymotivatedtoavoidit.Weevadethetormentofguiltbybehavingthewayothersexpectusto.Manipulatorsknowthisalltoowellanduseittotheiradvantage.

Thefollowingareexamplesofstatementsthatcansendusonaguilttrip:

"Ican'tbelieveyouwouldeventhinkthatIwouldlietoyou!"

"HowcanyoufeelthatwayafterallI'vedoneforyou?"

"Don'tworry,IguessI'llmanagesomehowifyouwon'thelpmeout."

"Ifyoureallylovedme,youwould___________________"(fillintheblankwithanythingamanipulatorwantsyoutodothatissomethingyoudonotwanttodo.)

11.Shame

Wefeelshamewhensomeonecommunicatestousthatwearenotworthyofrespect.Amanipulatormakesavictimfeelshamebyexpressingdisgustordisappointment,usingsarcasmorput-downs,orcomparingustosomeoneelsetheyclaimtothinkisbetterinsomeway.

Shameisaverypowerfultoolforamanipulator.Fewemotionalstatesaremorepainfulthanshame.Wefeelguiltyforwhatwedo,butwefeelshameforwhatweare.Shameisafeelingofdeephumiliation,andsomemanipulatorsenjoymakingtheirvictimfeelhumiliated.Itplacestheminasuperiorposition.

AccordingtoclinicalpsychologistGershenKaufman,"Shameisthemostdisturbingexperienceindividualseverhaveaboutthemselves;nootheremotionfeelsmoredeeplydisturbingbecauseinthemomentofshametheselffeelswoundedfromwithin."

Inrelationships,wefeelshamefromanythingwesayordothatwebelieveweakensthebondorcausesrejection.Manyofthemanipulationtacticsdescribedhereaccomplishoneorbothofthose.

Shamecanturnintothepervasivebeliefthatyouareinsomewayinherentlydefectiveorunacceptable,sothismanipulationtacticcancauseseriouspsychologicalharm.Yoursenseofself-worthwillsuffer,andthatwillhaveanegativeeffectonallaspectsofyourlife.

12.EmptyWords

"Thebasictoolforthemanipulationofrealityisthemanipulationofwords."

~PhilipK.Dick

Manipulatorsareliarswhothinknothingofmakingapromiseorcommitmenttheyhavenointentionofkeeping.Theyarealsoconsummateseducerswhocanturnonthecharmandtellyouexactlywhatyouwanttohear:“Iloveyou.”

“You’resospecialtome.”

“Idon'tknowhowIgotsolucky.”

“I’vewaitedmywholelifeforyou.”

Whenamanipulatoruttersthesewordstheyarebackedupbynothing,butyoumaynotnoticethathisorheractionsaretellingaverydifferentstory.

Usingemptywordstofulfillyourneedforapproval,love,validation,admiration,appreciationorreassurancegivesamanipulatorincrediblepoweroveryou.Theytellyouwhatyouwanttohearinordertogetwhattheywant.

Alwaysremember:Actionsspeaklouderthanwords.

Ifyoueverfeelconfusedbecausesomeonetellsyouthattheyloveyoubuttheydon'tactliketheydo,judgethembytheiractionsalone.Youwillhaveyouranswer.

13.Crazymaking

It'scalledcrazymakingforareason.Whenusingthistactic,amanipulatorsimplydenieseverhavingsaidsomethingtheydidindeedsay.Itcouldhappenamonthlater,ayearlateroraminutelater.

Youknowthemanipulatorsaidit,theyknowtheysaidit,andtheyknowyouknowtheysaidit.Butnoneofthatmatters;theywillsimplyinsisttheyneversaidwhateveritwastheysaid,andhopeyoubelievethem.

Ifyoufeelyouneedtohaveataperecorderrunningwheneveryoutalktosomeone,youareavictimofcrazymaking.

14.Gaslighting

Usingthetacticofgaslighting,themanipulatordenies,andthereforeinvalidates,reality.Invalidatingrealitydistortsorunderminesthevictim’sperceptionsoftheirworldandcanevenleadthemtoquestiontheirownsanity.

"Idon'tknowwhereyougotthatidea."

"It'sallinyourhead."

"You'vealwayshadabadmemory!"

"Thatneverhappened.Areyoucrazy?"

"Youmustbetryingtoconfuseme."

"You'reimaginingthings."

"Ihavenoideawhatyou'retalkingabout."

Thiskindofdeceptionseemslikeitwouldbeobvious,butitusuallybeginsverygraduallyandincreasesinfrequencyandseverityovertime.Itleadstoanxiety,depressionandconfusion.Victimseventuallyquestiontheir‘version’ofreality.Whentheynolongertrusttheirownperceptions,theyrelyonthemanipulatortodefinerealityandcannolongerfunctionindependently.Havingrenderedthevictimcompletelyhelplessandlackinginanyself-esteem,themanipulatorisabletoexercisetotaldominationandgetwhateveritistheywant,whetheritisafeelingofsuperiority,financialcontrolorsexualbenefits.

Examplesofgaslighting:

Amanipulatorclaimsthatthevictimismistakeninherbeliefthathewantedacommitted,long-termrelationship,eventhougheverythinghedidandsaidcreatedthatbelief.

Amanipulatorsayssomethinginanangrytoneofvoice,butwhenthevictimbecomesupsetthemanipulatordenieshavingusedanangrytone.

Amanipulatordeliberatelyupsetsavictim,andthenmocksthemorputsthemdownfor"overreacting."

Amanipulatorpurposelywithholdscertaindetails,andlatertriesconvincingthevictimthattheydidindeedtellthemthemissingdetails.

Amanipulatormovesitemsfromoneplacetoanotherandthendenieshavingdoneso.

Amanipulatorassertssomethinguntruewithenoughconvictionandintensitythatthevictimbelievesit.

Youmightbeavictimofgaslightingifyouapologizeoften,havetroublemakingdecisions,havechangedsignificantlyoverthecourseoftherelationship,feelyou'reinaconstantstateofbewilderment,orhavebecomereclusiveandwithdrawn.

Gaslightingisevenmoreeffectivewhenusedincombinationwithothertechniquesofmanipulation.Youmayhavenoticedthatmanyothertacticsincludetheelementofdenyingavictim'sreality.

15.Minimizing

Themanipulatorusesthistactictoconvinceyouthatsomethingshedidthatwaswrongreallywasn'tasbadasyouthinkitis.Shewilltellyouthatyou’remakingabigdealoutofnothingorthatyou’reexaggeratingoroverreactingwhenyouconfrontheraboutherwrongdoing.

Youcanbesurethatifamanipulatorusesthistactic,theywillengageinthesamebadbehaviorinthefuture.

16.TheSilentTreatment

Supposedlybecauseofsomethingyoudid,themanipulatorrefusestocommunicatewithyouandusesemotionalorphysicalwithdrawalaspunishment.Thisiscommonlycalledthesilenttreatment,stonewallingorwithholding.

Itconveyscontemptandcommunicatesthatyouarenotworththemanipulator’sacknowledgementofyourexistence,letalonehisorhertime,love,attentionorconsideration,accordingtoSteveBecker,LCSW.Hewrites,“Thesilencer'saimis,aboveall,tosilencecommunication.Morespecifically,itistorendertheotherinvisibleand,insodoing,inducefeelingsofpowerlessnessandshame.”

Beckersaysthesilenttreatment"isatechniqueoftorture.Thismaysoundhyperbolic,buthumanbeingsneed(onthemostbasiclevel)recognitionoftheirexistence.Thewithholdingofthisrecognition,especiallyifprotracted,canhavesoul-warpingconsequencesonpersonality.”

Givingthesilenttreatmentisaneffectivewayforamanipulatortogetyoutobehaveasheorshewantsyouto.

17.Lying

Lyingisthegranddaddyofmanipulationtactics.Purposefulmanipulatorsliefrequentlyandwithoutremorse,andhaveanarsenaloflyingstylestoworkfrom.Othersmayfeelremorsebutwilllieanywaytogetwhattheywant.

Manipulatorswillsayanythingtogetresults.Manyareexpertliarswholieconvincingly,frequentlyandwithimpunity.

Basically,alieisafalsestatementdeliberatelypresentedasthetruth.Buttherearemanyotherwaystoliethatgofarbeyondsimplymakingablatantlyfalsestatement.Thosestatementsoftenwork,though,becausewecan'tbelievethatsomeonewetrustwouldlookusintheeyeandtellussuchabrazen,bald-facedlie.

Liesofomissionareoneofthemoresubtleformsoflying.Insteadofmakingadeceptivestatement,theliarwithholdsthetruth.Forexample,themanipulatormaynottellyouhe’smarriedifhethinksitwouldstopyoufrombecominginvolvedwithhim.Hedidn'ttellyouhewasn'tmarried;hejustdidn'ttellyouthathewas.

Vaguenessisanothersubtleformoflying.Whenyouconfrontamanipulatoraboutsomething,theyrespondbuttheiranswerislackingindetails.Theycountonyounottoprobethemformoreinformation.

Anespeciallyeffectivewaytolieistohideitinthemiddleofalitanyoftruths.

Liarslietoavoidtakingresponsibilityortogetyoutobelievewhattheywantyoutobelieveinordertogetsomethingtheywant.

18.Invalidation

Invalidationisrejecting,diminishing,ignoring,judgingormakingfunofsomeone'sfeelings.Invalidationisahighlydetrimentalformofemotionalmanipulation.Unfortunately,ithappensalltoooftenandthereevenseemstobeanepidemicofitinsociety.

Peopleinvalidateothersforavarietyofreasons,sometimespurposefullyandsometimesnot.Anabuserwilluseinvalidationasatoolofmanipulationandasaweapon.Otherswhoinvalidatemaybeshortonempathy.Somemayfeeluncomfortablewithyourpain,orfeelpowerlesstodoanythingtohelpyou.Othersaresimplyjealous.

Examplesofinvalidatingstatements,madeinresponsetoyouexpressingyourfeelingsortalkingaboutadifficultsituation:Youshouldbeashamedofyourselfforfeelingthatway.

Itcouldbeworse.

Youshouldn’tfeelthatway.

Justdon’tworryaboutit.

Getoverit.

Stoptakingeverythingsopersonally.

Lightenup.

That’snotthewaythingsare.

Youmustbekidding.

Itcan’tbethatbad.

You’rejusttired.

It’snotworthgettingupsetover.

Justdropit.

Youshouldjustforgetaboutit.

I’msureshedidn’tmeanthat.

Youshouldn’tletitbotheryou.

Timehealsallwounds.

Everycloudhasasilverlining.

Youcanchoosetobehappy.

It'sfrustratingnotfeelingunderstoodandnotgettingtheemotionalsupportyoureachedoutfor.Invalidationmakesyouwonderifthereissomethingwrongwithyouforfeelingthewayyoudo.Itunderminesself-confidencebecauseitcausesself-doubt.Thisinturndiminishesself-esteem.

Invalidationwillbeexploredinmoredepthinalaterchapter.

19.Charm

"Theyknowwhatmakesuslaugh,whatmakesusfearful,whatexcitesus,whatturnsusoff,andaboveall,whatmakesusvulnerable."

~GeorgeSimon,PhD,expertincharacterdisorders

Skilledmanipulatorsexcelathidingtheirtruecharacterandpresentingthemselvesascharmingandseductive.Ifyouthinkyouwouldneverfallforit,thinkagain.

Allofusturnonthecharmandputourbestfootforwardinanewrelationship,butmanipulatorsusecharmtoadvanceahiddenagenda.Manipulatorsusecharmasawaytodisarmyouandgainyourtrust.Theymakeyoufeelinteresting,liked,valuedandappreciated.Skilledmanipulatorsaresociallyintelligentconartistsadeptatexpressinginterestinyouandyourwelfare,andatopeninguptoyouandappearingvulnerable.

Howcanyoutellthedifferencebetweenbenigncharmandmaliciouscharm?Listentoyourgutinstincts,accordingtoDr.GeorgeSimon.Onhiswebsite,manipulative-people.com,hewrites"Psychopathsandtheotherdisturbedcharactertypes...tendtoexudeasuperficialcharmorglibnessintheirinterpersonalmanner.Itoftengoesunnoticedasthehugeredflagitis...butitcanbedetectedifyouknowjustwhattolookfor.The'smoothness'orsocialfacilitytheseindividualsdisplayisgenerallynotmatchedbycongruentandconcomitantemotion.Theymayhaveaveryeasy'waywithwords'...butusuallytheirsmoothtalkisnotaccompaniedbyanyemotionthatmatcheswhatthey’resayingorthatcanbesensedandfeltbyothersasgenuine.Still...youcaneasilydoubtyourgutinstincts(thinkingthattheymustbebeinggenuine)andallowyourselftobeundulyswayed."

Onceamaliciouscharmerdisarmsyourgutinstincts,youarebasicallydefenseless.

20.IntentionalForgetting

Themanipulatorpretendsheorsheforgotsomethingthat'simportanttoyou,suchasanagreement,apromiseoracommitment,orevenaningredientyouneedfordinnerthatnightthatheagreedtopickuponhiswayover.Themanipulatorwilllookyouintheeyeandkeepastraightfaceastheytellyouthey'resorry,buttheysimplyforgotyourrequestortheydon'trecallmakingthatagreement.Whenamanipulator"forgets"somethingthatisimportanttoyou,theyareattemptingtoevaderesponsibilitybyblamingsomethingoutoftheircontrol.

Inaddition,themanipulatorisimplyingthatwhateveritwastheyforgotwasn'timportantenoughforthemtoremember,andneitherareyou.

21.BrandishingAnger,or"TraumaticOne-TrialLearning"

Themanipulatorwillputonanactofintenseangerforthepurposeofshockingyouintosubmission.Thisiscalled‘traumaticone-triallearning,’becauseitwillquicklytrainyoutoavoidconfronting,upsettingorcontradictingthemanipulator.

22.Scapegoating

Ascapegoatisdefinedasapersonoranimalthattakesonthesinsofothers.Theyareunfairlyblamedforotherpeople'sproblems.Ascapegoatisalsoknownasa‘whippingboy’ora‘fallguy.’

Scapegoatingistheprocessofsinglingoutavictimandmakingthemresponsibleforproblemswhentheyarenotreallytheonewhodeservestheblame.Apersoncanbemadeintoascapegoatforarelationshiporforanentirefamilyorevenaworkplace.

Skilledmanipulatorsusuallyscapegoatanotherpersononpurpose,whileothersunconsciously"project"theirunwantedthoughtsandfeelingsontoanothertomakethemtaketheblamefortheirownmistakesorshortcomings,whichrelievestheonedoingthescapegoatingofshame,blameandresponsibility.

Manyofthemanipulationtacticslistedhereincludeanelementofvictimblaming,butscapegoatinggoesbeyondthat.Peoplewhoaremadeintoscapegoatsfeeldeepandpersistentshameanddevelopavictimmentality.

23.Belittling

Themanipulatorwilldiminishandbelittlethevictim'sopinionsandideaseitherverballyornon-verbally,throughtheuseofeye-rolls,scoffs,smugsmiles,sarcasmoramockingtoneofvoice.

Thistacticinducesshameandhumiliation,crushesyourself-esteemandmakesyoumuchlesswillingtovoiceyouropinionsandideasinthefuture.

Diminishingavictim'sselfesteemmakesiteasyforamanipulatortoputhimselfincontrol.

24.PuttingYouOntheDefensive

Manyofthecoverttacticslistedherewillputyouonthedefensive,meaningthattheycauseyoutofeelyoumustverballydefendwhoyouare,whatyoubelieve,orwhatthetruthis.It'sanimportantsigntolookforifyou'retryingtodetermineifyou'reavictimofmanipulation.

Thereisareasonmanipulatorswanttoputyouonthedefense.Covertmanipulationtacticstriggeryoutoreactemotionallyinsteadofrespondingrationally,whichisexactlywhatthemanipulatorwants.Calm,rationalconversationsdon'talwaysgointheirfavor.Inaddition,theycanuseyouremotionalreactionsagainstyouiftheychooseto,asyou'veseeninseveralothertactics.

25.CreatingFear

Whatmanyofthesemanipulationtacticshaveincommonisthattheymakethevictimfeelfear–namely,thefearoflosingthemanipulatorandtherelationship.Wedon’twanttolosethem,soweactinthewaytheywantustoactinordertoavoidthatloss.

Inthissituation,it'sconvenientthatthepersonwhocreatedourfearistheonlyonewhocanrelieveourfear,soweunwittinglyendupgivingthemallthepowerintherelationship.Creatingfearisapowerfulwaytogaincontrol.Politiciansdoitallthetime.Theycreateorexaggerateapotentiallydangerousproblem,andthentellyouthatifyouvoteforthemthey'llprotectyoufromit.

26.ThePityPlay

“Iamsurethatifthedevilexisted,hewouldwantustofeelverysorryforhim.”

~MarthaStout,authorofTheSociopathNextDoor:TheRuthlessVersustheRestofUs

Usingthistactic,themanipulatorwillinspireyourpitybymakingthemselveslooklikethevictimofcircumstanceorofsomeunfairpersonororganization.Thiselicitsyoursympathy–andyourcooperation–becauseasapersonwithaconscience,youcan’tstandtoseesomeoneelsesuffering.Manipulatorsknowhowtotakeadvantageofourconscience!

Usingthepityplaytactic,themanipulatorwilltellyouasadstorythattugsuponyourheartstrings.Theymighttellyoutheywereunfairlyfiredfromtheirjobandneedmoneytopaythebills,orthatthey'vebeenunfairlyevictedbytheircrazylandlordandneedaplacetostay,onlyuntiltheyfindanewapartment.Oh,andthelandlordkepttheirsecuritydepositsothey'llneedtosavemoneyforanotheroneandwon'tbeabletohelpyouwithlivingexpenses.

Thepityplaycanbemuchmoresubtle.Ifyoufindoutyournewloveinterestismarriedbutdidn'tsayso,heorshewilltellyouaheartbreakingstoryoftheirspouse'semotionalneglectandtheterriblelonelinessthey'veenduredbecauseofit.They'llsaythattheyonlystayedinthemarriagebecausetheyneverimaginedtheywouldmeetsomeoneelse,especiallysomeoneaswonderfulasyou.Asmymanipulatortoldme,"Igaveup.Iputmyheartonashelf.IneverdreamedI'dfallinloveagain!Andnowhereyouare...Ishouldhavetoldyou,butIwassoscaredI'dloseyou!"

Notawordofitwastrue,butitworked.IfeltsosorryforthispoorlonelyandhopelessmanwhohadgivenuponlifeuntilIcamealongandrevivedhisheart.

27.Rationalization

Thisisalsoknownasjustificationorexcuse-making.Themanipulatorcreatesreasonsfortheirbadbehaviorthatsoundlogicalandrational,inordertomaketheiractionsmoreunderstandable,acceptableorappropriate.Theydothistogetyouofftheirbacksotheycancontinuedoingwhattheyfeellikedoing.

"Everymanwatchesporn!it'snotjustme."

"WhatIdidwasn'tillegal;ifitweretherewouldbealawagainstit,right?"

"I'msorryIhityou.Ijustlostmymindforaminutebecauseyoupushedsomanyofmybuttons."

Whenyoutrustsomeoneandwanttothinkthebestofthem,youstrivetounderstandtheirbehavior.Manipulatorsarehappytohelpyoudothat.

28.Flattery

“Anyhalfway-cleverdevilwoulddecoratethehighwaytohellasbeautifullyaspossible.”

~CrissJami

You,mydearreader,arestrikinglyintelligent,soIknowyouwilllearntorecognizethemanipulationtacticofflattery.

Flatteryisexcessiveorfalsepraiseandcomplimentsgiveninanefforttoingratiateyoutoamanipulatorinordertoadvancetheirhisorherownagenda.

Manipulatorsuseflatterybecauseitworks.Wewanttofeelgoodaboutourselves,sowelikeotherswhomakeusfeelthatway.Whenwethinksomeonerecognizesandappreciatesourgoodqualities,itcanhaveapowerfuleffectonus.

Flatterycanmakeyoufeelbeautiful,intelligent,appreciated,valued,lovable,sexyorspecial.Youmaythinkyouwouldnoticeinsincerepraiseandcompliments,butskilledmanipulatorscanpullitoffwithoutyounoticing.Ifflatteryaccompaniesanobviousulteriormotive,it'seasytospot.Butifamanipulatorkeepshisulteriormotivehidden,itcanbeeasytoacceptasgenuine.Afterall,ifthispersondoesn'tseemtowantanythingfromyou--ifthey'renotsellingyousomething,tryingtogetyouinbed,hopingforaraiseoraskingyouforaloan--whywouldtheybebutteringyouup?

Justasamanipulator'sagendacanbekepthidden,socantheirflattery.Therearemethodsofflatterythatareverysubtleorcraftilydisguised.

Oneofthemostsubtleformsofflatteryisbeingaskedforyouradvice.Itconveystheideathatthemanipulatorrespectsandadmiresyouropinions,knowledgeorskill.

Anotherwaytodisguiseflatteryistoprefaceitwithadisclaimer,suchas"Idon'twanttoembarrassyou,but..."or"Iknowyouwon'twantmetosaythis,but..."

Anothermethodofdisguiseisfortheflatterertodisagreewithyourpointofviewatfirst,andthencomearoundtoagreeingwithyou.Thistechniquewillmakeyoufeelsmart,persuasiveandlistenedto.

Complimentingyoutopeopleyouknowwhenyou'renotpresentandexpectingthey'llpassthecomplimentontoyouisaneffectivedisguise.Usingthismethod,theflattereravoidslookinglikeanobvioussuck-up.

Whensomeonecomplimentsaqualityyouhavethatisseldomnoticedorappreciatedbyothers,it'sapowerfulmaneuverthatleadsyoutobelievethemanipulatorisabletorecognizeyourbestpointsandthattheyvaluethem.That'sjustthekindofpersonwewantinourlives.Skilledmanipulatorsexcelatreadingpeopleandfiguringouttheiremotionalneeds.Theyalsoexcelatpretendingtofulfillthem.

29.LoveBombing

"Yoursisthelightbywhichmyspirit’sborn:youaremysun,mymoon,andallmystars."

~E.E.Cummings"LoveBombing"isaspecialformofflatterythatdeservesitsowncategory.Manipulatorsemploylovebombingtoensnareatarget.Itisaveritablecampaignofflatterythat"bombs"thetargetwithnon-stoppositivereinforcementthatincludescompliments,praiseandappreciation;declarationsofonce-in-a-lifetimelove;spendingasmuchtimeaspossiblewiththem;frequentcalls,textsandemails;gift-giving;fantasticlovemaking;andengaginginmanyfunandromanticactivities.Itcan(anddoes)happenstrictlyonlineaswell.

Whatgreaterflatterycouldtherepossiblybethanhavingsomeonewhobelievesyou'rethemostwonderfulpersonthey'veeverknown,someonewhotrulyappreciatesyouandbelievesyouareworthyoftheirtime,attention,energyandheart?Thevictimissweptofftheirfeet,straightintoarelationshipthatwillturnintotheworstexperienceoftheirlife.

Acluethatyou'rebeingmanipulatedwithlovebombingistherapidpacesetbythemanipulator.Itleavesyouwithouttimetocomeupforairandthinkclearlyandcarefullyaboutwhothispersonreallyisandwhattheirmotivationsare.Whensomeonedeclaresundyingloveforyoubeforetheyreallyknowyou,chancesaregoodthattheirfeelingsaresuperficialandthatthey'llfalloutoflovewithyoujustasquickly.Thatdoesn'tmeanthey'llmoveon,though;itmeansthey'llstickaroundlongenoughtodevalueyouslowlyandmethodically,formanymonthsorevenyears,andcauseyoutodevalueyourselfintheprocess.

Yourbestdefenseistoslowthepaceofanyrelationshipthatbeginswithsuchidealizationandintensity.Easiersaidthandonewhenyoubelieveyou'vemetyoursoulmate!Keepitinmindanyway.Remember,ittakestimetogettoknowsomeone'struecharacter.Somepeopleareverydifferentthanwhotheyfirstappeartobe.Weallbelievewe'regoodjudgesofcharacter,butintruthwe'renot.Thereisnoshortcut;ittakestimeandobservation.Takeplentyoftime--atleastayear,preferablymore--toobserveapotentialpartnerinavarietyofsituations.Judgethembytheiractions,neverbytheirwords.Maintainyourgoals,boundaries,activities,interestsandrelationships.Ifthepersonreallylovesyou,theywon'tgoanywhere.

"Manyspiritualtraditionsrecognizethatwhenthedarkoneappearsheismostbeautiful,mostwonderfulandmostengaging.Thetruthonlycomesoutlater."

~unknown

30.TranceandHypnosis

Hypnosisissimplyacontrolledtrance.Atranceisanalteredmentalstateweenterasacommonandnormaloccurrence,whichiswhatmakesitsoeasyforaskilledmanipulatortoinduceorcontrol.

Wheninatrancestate,youareextremelyrelaxedandyourattentionishyper-focusedonapersonoractivity.Ifyou'veeverbeensothoroughlyabsorbedinsomethingthatyouwereoblivioustodistractionsandtothepassageoftime--whichisknownasa"flowstate"--you'vebeeninatrance.

Wecanslipintoatrancefromanythingwitharepetitiveelementofmovement,vision,sound,thoughtsortouch.Flickeringcandlelight,dance,sex,massage,videogames,longdrives,meditation,musicandthesoundofsomeone'svoiceareallcapableofinducingtrance.Atranceishighlypleasingtoboththeconsciousandsubconsciousmind.

Wecanalsogointoatrancewhenourattentionbecomesnarrowlyfocusedonanotherpersonwhoseattentionisfocusednarrowlyonus.Psychopathsnaturallyfocusintenselyontheirtargets,justasapredatorfocusesintenselyonitsprey.Theyarevery"present"whenthey're"interested"insomeone,andthatintensepresence--communicatedthroughunwaveringeyecontactandfocused,heightenedattention--caninduceasimilarreactioninthepersonwhoistheobjectoftheirfocus.Thisisnotdonepurposely;it'ssimplyaneffectoftheirnaturalwayofbeing.

Manypeoplesaythe"psychopathicstare"causeschillsandafeelingofaversion.Ifastrangerlooksatyouthatwayinthegrocerystorethatmaybetrue,butifsomeoneyou'reinterestedinorattractedtodoesitthenitwillcomeacrossasflatteringinterestandattention.Youwilllikelyfeelcaptivating.

Apsychopathorotherskilledmanipulatormayalsoinducetranceorhypnosispurposefullyinordertotakeadvantageofavictim.Theymaycreateatrancifyingatmospherewithmusicandcandlelight,speakinaslow,soothingtoneofvoiceorengagethevictiminanactivityknowntoinduceatrancestate.Whywouldamanipulatordothis?Tranceandhypnosislowerourpsychologicaldefensesandleaveusvulnerabletosuggestion.Hypnotizingsomeonewithouttheirconsentisconsideredunethicalforthisreason.

Increasedsuggestivenessmakesitmorelikelythatavictimwillbelievestatementsamanipulatormakesduringatrancestateandthatthebeliefswill

persistafterward.Theywillalsohaveastrongerdesiretorepeatactivitiestheyparticipatedinbecauseoftheheightenedsenseofpleasureexperiencedduringtrance.Apersonoractivityenjoyedduringtranceactsasanespeciallypersistentandpowerfuldrawtoreturntothepersonandrepeattheactivity.

CHAPTERFOUR:

IREFUSETOHAVETHISDISCUSSION!ALLABOUTINVALIDATION

"Whenweinvalidatepeopleordenytheirperceptionsandpersonalexperiences,wemakementalinvalidsofthem.Whenone’sfeelingsaredeniedapersoncanbemadetofeelcrazyevenwhentheyareperfectlymentallyhealthy."

~R.D.Laing,MD,psychiatrist

Anespeciallydamagingformofemotionalabuse.Invalidationistheactofrejecting,diminishing,ignoring,judgingormakingfunofsomeone'sfeelings.Unfortunately,ithappensalltoooftenandthereevenseemstobeanepidemicofitinsociety.

Invalidationisinsidiousandoftenpervasiveincertainrelationships.Whenwe'vehadourfeelingsinvalidated,weknowthatsomethingdoesn'tfeelrightbutwecan'tputourfingeronexactlywhatitis.Onereasonitremainshiddenisthatmanyofushavelearnedtothinkinvalidationis"normal,"becauseit'ssocommon.Youmayevendoittoothers.Itmightbecommon,butit'snothealthy.Thinkofhowoftenyou'veheardpeoplesaythingslike"itcouldbeworse,""lightenup,""don'tletitgettoyou,""justforgetaboutit,"or"youcanchoosetobehappy."

Peopleinvalidateothersforavarietyofreasons,sometimespurposefullyandsometimesnot.Anabuserwilluseinvalidationasatoolofmanipulationandaweapon.Othersmaybeshortonempathy.Somemayfeeluncomfortablewithyouremotionsorfeelpowerlesstodoanythingtohelpyou.Someareenviousofyouandwillinvalidateyourachievementsandthethingsthatbringyouhappiness:"It'snotsuchabigdeal,"or"He'snotreallythatgreat.Youcoulddobetter."

Thebottomlineisthis:Whenyou'reinvalidated,youarenothavingyouremotionalneedsmetbecausethepersondoingtheinvalidatingisnotbehavingwithempathy.

“Onedoesn’thavetooperatewithgreatmalicetodogreatharm.Theabsenceofempathyandunderstandingaresufficient.”

~CharlesM.Blow

Empathyisunderstandingandidentifyingwithanother'sfeelingsordifficulties,andthenconveyingthatunderstandingtothem.Itcreatesasenseofcaringandmutualunderstanding.Inotherwords,empathyconnectspeopleemotionally.

Whenyoutellsomeoneclosetoyouthatyou'refeelingblueaboutsomethingandtheysay,"Itreallyisn'tthatbad.Alotofpeoplehaveitworse,youknow"doyoufeelcaredfor,understoodandsupported?Ofcoursenot,becauseyourfeelingsandconcernshavebeeninvalidated.Theotherpersonhasconveyedthattheydon'tthinkyourfeelingsarevalid,sothereforetheywillnotofferanysupport.Asaresult,youwillnothaveyouremotionalneedsmet.

Weallhaveinnateemotionalneeds.Iftheseneedsaren'tmet,therecanbeseriousconsequencestooutpsychologicalhealth.Invalidationisnotrivialmatter.AccordingtoSteveHein,MSW,authoroftheexcellentandinvaluablewebsite,EQI.org,invalidationispsychologicalmurderor"soulmurder."

Havingemotionalneedsdoesnotmeanyouare"needy,"itmeansyou'renormal.

Ourfundamentalemotionalneeds:

Tobeacknowledged.

Tobeaccepted.

Tobelistenedto.

Tobeunderstood.

Tobeloved.

Tobeappreciated.

Toberespected.

Tobephysicallyandemotionallysafe.

Tobevalued.

Tofeelworthy.

Tobetrusted.

Tofeelcapableandcompetent.

Tofeelclear(notconfused).

Tobesupported.

Youcandeterminethehealthofyourcurrentrelationshipsbydeterminingwhetherornotyouremotionalneedsarebeingmet.

Invalidationneedstoberecognizedandtakenseriouslybecauseitcanleadtomentalhealthproblems.ResearcherThomasR.Lynch,Ph.D.foundthat"ahistoryofemotionalinvalidation...wassignificantlyassociatedwithemotioninhibition(i.e.,ambivalenceoveremotionalexpression,thoughtsuppression,andavoidantstressresponses).Further,emotioninhibitionsignificantlypredictedpsychologicaldistress,includingdepressionandanxietysymptoms."

Whenweexperienceinvalidation,wedefendourselveseitherthroughwithdrawalorcounter-attack."Repeatedwithdrawal,though,tendstodecreaseourself-confidenceandleadtoasenseofpowerlessnessanddepression.Ontheotherhand,goingontheoffensiveoftenescalatestheconflict.Ahealthierresponse,onewhichisbothinformativeandassertive,withoutbeingaggressive,istosimplyexpressyourfeelingsclearlyandconcisely.Forexample,youmightrespond,'Ifeelinvalidated,''Ifeelmocked,'or'Ifeeljudged,'"saysHein.Howsomeonerespondstothosestatementsisimportant.Dotheyinvalidateyouagainwhenyousayyoufeelinvalidated,ordotheywanttolearnmore?

Thefollowingareexamplesofinvalidatingstatements.Theyeitherminimizeyourfeelings,denyyourperceptions,orderyoutofeeldifferently,tellyouhowyoushouldfeel,orputyouonaguilttripforthinkingorfeelingthewayyoudo:Ithoughtwealreadytalkedaboutthat.

Ican'tbelieveyou'regoingtobringthatupagain.

Irefusetohavethisdiscussion.

Youshouldbeashamedofyourselfforfeelingthatway.

Youneedtorealizehowluckyyouare.

Itcouldbeworse.

Youshouldn'tfeelthatway.

Thinkaboutthosewhohaveitworse.

Justdon'tworryaboutit.

Getoverit.

Stoptakingeverythingsopersonally.

Getalife.

Lightenup.

Cheerup.

Don'tlooksoserious.

You'vegotitallwrong.

OfcourseIrespectyou.

ButIdolistentoyou.

Thatisridiculous.

Thisisnonsense.

That'snotthewaythingsare.

Ihonestlydon'tjudgeyouasmuchasyouthinkIdo.

Youaretheonlyonewhofeelsthatway.

Itdoesn'tbotheranyoneelse,whyshoulditbotheryou?

Youmustbekidding.

Itcan'tbethatbad.

You'rejusttired.

It'snothingtogetupsetover.

It'snotworthgettingthatupsetover.

Youshouldfeelthankfulthat________.

Youshouldbegladthat________.

Justdropit.

Youshouldjustforgetaboutit.

I'msureshedidn'tmeanthat.

Maybehewasjusthavingabadday.

Youshouldn'tletitbotheryou.

I'msureshemeanswell.

Don'tmakethatface!

Youdon'treallymeanthat.

Doyouthinktheworldwascreatedtoserveyou?

Don'tyoueverthinkofanyonebutyourself?

Whataboutmyfeelings?

Timehealsallwounds.

Everycloudhasasilverlining.

Lifeisfullofupsanddowns.

Youcanchoosetobehappy.

Youarejustgoingthroughaphase.

Everythinghasitsreasons.

Everythingisjustthewayitissupposedtobe.

Thisisreallygettingold.

Thisisgettingtobepathetic.

Iamsickandtiredofhearingit.

Youshouldbeoverthatbynow.

It'snotsuchabigdeal.

That'swhatyou'resoexcitedabout?Isthatall?

Youthinktoomuch.

Don'tletitgettoyou.

That'snothingtobeafraidof.

Stopfeelingsosorryforyourself.

You'vebeenupsetaboutthisfortoolong;it'stimetomoveon.

Justdon'tthinkaboutit.

Youneedtogetpastthat.

Youneedtogetonwithyourlife.

You're_______(jealous,insecure,crazy,unstable,aworrywart,overlydramatic,acomplainer,toosensitive)You'remakingabigdealoutofnothing.

You'reimaginingthings.

Invalidationcanalsobeconveyedwithoutwords.Non-verbalinvalidationincludessuchactionsasleavingtheroom,givingthesilenttreatment,androllingtheeyes.

Withincreasedawareness,you'llnoticeinvalidatingcommentsandbehaviors.

Invalidationmakesuswonderifthereissomethingwrongwithusforfeelingthewaywedo.AccordingtoHein,"Itseemsfairtosaythatwithenoughinvalidation,onepersoncanfiguratively,ifnotliterally,driveanotherpersoncrazy...Thisisespeciallypossiblewhenonepersonhaslong-termpowerorinfluenceoveranother."

Howsomeonerespondstoyouremotionsandperceptionswillindicatehowmuchtheyrespectyou,howmuchtheycareaboutyouandyourfeelings,howcapabletheyareofempathyandintimacy,andhowmuchtheyaretryingtochangeorcontrolyou.

CHAPTERFIVE:

THEMOSTPOWERFULMOTIVATORONTHEPLANET,INTERMITTENTREINFORCEMENT

Thereisnothingliketheblissandelationofnewlove,especiallywhenyoubelieveyou'vefound"theone."Thattakesittoanotherlevel.Youmayfeelyouneverreallyknewwhatlovewasbeforeandexperienceincrediblejoyandhappiness.

Andthenonedaysomethingunexpectedmighthappen.You'llgetaqueasyfeelingthatyoucan'tshake.You'llsensedeepinyourgutthatheorsheispullingaway,butyouwon'tknowwhy.Yourheartwillsinkandyourstomachwillclenchwithfear.

Intheprocessofapathologicalrelationship,themomentwhenthejoyatfindingloveturnsintothefearoflosingitiscalledthemanipulativeshift.Whenthathappens,themanipulatortakescontrol.Thepersonwhoidealizedyounowdevaluesyou.Alongandpainfulridedownhillbegins.

Feartakesawayourabilitytothinkclearly.It'sanintenselypowerfulanduncomfortableemotion,andwewanttofeelsafeagain.Inthiscase,feariscausedbythethreatoflosingwhowebelieveisourlovingandwonderfulpartner.

Whenwefeelfear,wewillgivejustaboutanythingtothepersonwhocantakethatfearaway.Inthissituation,thatpersonistheveryonewhocauseditinthefirstplace--themanipulator.Heorshecantakeourfearawaybybecomingattentiveandlovingagain,andwetryhardtoregainthatattentionandlove.Themanipulatorshowsushow--andkeepsushookedonthem--throughtheuseofcovertmanipulation.

Iffearissomethingwewanttoavoid,howdoesamanipulatoruseittokeepushooked?

Byalternatingfearwithanotherextremelypowerfulemotion:Love.

Creatingfearoflosingtherelationship--andthenrelievingitperiodicallywithepisodesofloveandattention--employsapowerfultacticofmanipulationknownasintermittentreinforcement.

Thosepositiveepisodesthatbanishourfearreleaseapotentdoseoffeel-goodhormonesandneurotransmittersincludingdopamine,whichinduceseuphoria.

Haveyouevergonetoacasinoandplayedaslotmachine?Youfeedinquartersandpullthehandle,overandover,andwatchcolorfulimagesoffruitandnumbersandbellswhizby.Ifyoudon'twinanythingyoustarttofearthatyoumightloseallthemoneyyoualreadyputin,letalonenotwinthejackpot,soyouarecompelledtokeeptrying.Whatifyouwalkawayfromthismachinenowandthenextpersontositdownpullsthehandleandwins?Youinsertafewmorequarters,pullthehandleand--amazingly--imagesofarednumber7lineup,bellsringandcolorfullightsflash.Quarterspouroutfromthemachineandintoyourwaitinghands.Thisrewardcausesyourbraintolightup,too,byreleasingaburstofpleasure-inducingdopamine,andyouwantmore.Yourfearvanishes;youhaveyourmoneyback.Andnowthatyouhaveallthoseshinyquartersthere'snoreasonnottokeepplaying!Whoknows,maybeyou'llwinthebigjackpot!Youstartfeedingthemachineagain.Youalternatebetweenthethrillandreliefofwinningsmalljackpotsandthefearoflosingitall.You'rehooked.

Psychologyresearchershavelongconsideredintermittentreinforcementthemostpowerfulmotivatorontheplanet.Itisalsothemostmaliciouslymanipulativetactic.Intermittentreinforcementissimplyunpredictablerandomrewardsinresponsetorepeatedbehavior,butthereisnomorepowerfulformulatogetsomeonetofeeloractinadesiredway.Itcanbeelevatedgraduallytoextremelevels,creatingcompliancethatisobsessiveandevenself-destructive.Youwon'tnoticeitforwhatitiswhenit'shappening...unlessyou'reawareofthetacticandhowitworks.

Inamanipulativerelationship,themoreinfrequentlythecrumbsofloveareoffered,themorehookedyouget.Youbecomeconditioned,likearatinalaboratorycage.Whenratsaretaughttopressaleverthatrandomlydispensesadeliciousmorsel,theypresstheleverobsessively.Afterawhile,theywillkeeppressingtheleverevenifnomoremorselscomeout...untiltheystarvetodeath(Ithinkthisisanunconscionableexperiment,bytheway).Similarly,wemayholdontoapartnerandarelationshipwhenthereisnomorelovetobehad.

Labratsaretaughttopresstheleverbystartingthemoutwithcontinuouspositivereinforcement.Thinkofitas"treatbombing"inplaceof"lovebombing."Whentheexperimentbegins,everytimetheratpressesthelevershegetsamorsel.Thentheresearcherschangethegame.Theratpressestheleverbutamorselisn'tdeliveredwitheverypressanymore,onlyonrandompresses.Theratisfearfulthatshewon'tgetfedbutsheknowspressingtheleverbrought

foodinthepast,soshekeepspressingituntilshegetssome.Aslongasshegetsamorseleveryonceinawhile,shekeepspressingit.Whenthemorselsstopcoming,she'ssureshe'llgetonenexttimeshepressesit,orthetimeafterthat...sosheneverstopstrying.

Itworksthesamewayinamanipulativerelationship.Youaretheratandthemorselyoukeeptryingforislove.

Intermittentreinforcementplaysabigroleinthephenomenonoftraumaticbonding.Atraumabondisaverystrongattachmenttoanabuserthatdevelopsnotinspiteofmanipulationandabuse,butbecauseofit.

Powerfulemotionalattachmentsareseentodevelopfromtwospecificfeaturesofabusiverelationships:powerimbalancesandintermittentgood-badtreatment,accordingtopsychologyresearchersDonaldG.DuttonandS.Painter,"Emotionalattachmentsinabusiverelationships:Atestoftraumaticbondingtheory,"ViolenceandVictims,Volume8,1993.

Intermittentreinforcementbeginsinsidiously.Thestageofcontinualpositivereinforcement--lovebombing--ends.Perhapsaphonecallortextmessageisn'treturnedordoesn'tcomeattheusualtime.Ahandthatalwaysheldoursaswewalkeddownthestreetiskeptinapocketinstead.Wewitnessourpartnerflirtingwithsomeoneelse,althoughtheydenyit.Foraweek,theyaren'tinthemoodtomakelove.Theysubtlyorovertlycriticizeordemeanusforourweight,ourage,ourideasoropinions,orsomequirktheyonceclaimedtolove.Theycompareusunfavorablytosomeoneelse.Theygiveusthesilenttreatment.

Littlebylittle,itgetsworse.Muchworse.Buttherearealwaysthetimesyouaregivenafewmorselsoflove:yourpartnerrevertsbacktobeingthelovingandattentivepersontheyusedtobe.Allhopeisnotlost!You'reunwittinglyputonanemotionalrollercoaster,ridingittodizzyingheightsthatalternatewithdeath-defyingdrops.

Whatcanyoudotopreventbeingvictimizedbyintermittentreinforcement?It'shardtorecognizeifyouknownothingaboutit,butnowyou'rearmedwithknowledge.Herearesomethingstokeepinmindforfuturerelationships:

Considerthetrustworthinessofyourpartneronanongoingbasis.Onceheorshegainsyourtrust,it'sveryeasyforthemtogetawaywithalotofbadbehavior.Afterall,youhaveasolidimageofthemastrustworthy.Buttrustshouldn'tbegivenonceandthenlastforever.Aperson'strustworthinessshouldbere-evaluatedasneeded.Howcanyoutellifyourpartnerisstilldeservingofyourtrust?

Trustisbasedonthreeaspects:Predictability,dependabilityandfaith.Predictabilityistheconsistencyofyourpartner'sbehavior,andpredictablebehaviorisinstarkcontrasttotheunpredictabilityofintermittentgood-badorhot-coldtreatment.Dependabilityisthedegreetowhichyoutrustyourpartnertobehonestandreliable.Faithrepresentsyourconvictionthatyourpartnerwillberesponsivetoyourneedsandcanbecountedontobehaveinakindandcaringmanner.

Don'tjudgeyourpartner'strustworthinessbyhowtheywereinthepast--considerthethreeelementsoftrustatthepresenttime.Skilledmanipulatorsaregoodatgainingourtrust,butnotsogoodatkeepingit.Theycountonourimageofthemastrustworthyasasubstituteforactuallybeingtrustworthy.

Keepinmindthesignsinyourselfthatyou'rebeingmanipulated,whichyoulearnedpreviouslyinchaptertwo,'HowtoTellifYou'reBeingManipulated."Youwillnotfeellikethatinahealthy,normalrelationship.Thosesignsarereliableindicatorsthatintermittentreinforcementisatplay.

Lookforthehallmarksofahealthyrelationship:Intimacy,commitment,consistency,balance,progression,sharedvalues,love,care,trustandrespect.

Listentoanyalarmbellsthatgooffinyourhead,andlistentofriendsandfamilymemberswhomareknowntohaveyourbestinterestatheart.Don'tignorethem,nomatterhowmuchyouwouldliketo.

Becomeandstayconsciousofthepowerbalanceoftherelationship.Thepersonwhocareslesshasthepower.Beawarethatwhenyoufeelchronicallyinsecure,heartsick,anxiousorhurt,youcangetcaughtupinthedramaofabuseandbecomeblindtothelargerdynamicatwork.Isthisahealthyrelationship,onethatyou'rethrivingwithin,ornot?

Askyourselfifyourrelationshipisbasedonrealemotionalintimacyorifyou'rebeingtrickedintoacceptingintensityasasubstitute.Findouthowtoanswerthatquestionbyreadingthenextchapter.

CHAPTERSIX:

INTIMACYORINTENSITY?ARELATIONSHIPLITMUSTEST

“Ihaveflownandfallen,andIhaveswumdeepanddrowned,butthereshouldbemoretolovethan'Isurvivedit.'"

~LisaMantchev,SoSilverBright

Itseemsthatmagichasenteredyourlife.Itbringswithitonce-in-a-lifetimesoul-matelove,trueromance,amazingsex...Youaresweptoffyourfeetandtakentoanenchantedworldjustfortwo,onethatfloatslikeabubblehighabovethemundaneworldbelow.

Youneverexpectthisbubbletoburst.Youbelievetheincredibleintensityyousharewithyourpartnerindicatesadeepconnection,onethatwilllastalifetime.

Fallinginloveisaheadyexperiencethathasthepotentialtobecomeastrongandlastingconnectionbasedonemotionalintimacy.Thatcan'thappenifyourpartnerisn'tincapableofemotionalintimacy,though.

Youmaynotevennoticealackoftrueintimacyifyou'redazedanddeludedbytheextraordinaryintensityofyourexperience.Thesmokeandmirrorsofmanipulationcaneasilydistractyoufromthetruth.

Intimacyisbasedontrust,understandingandvulnerability.Peoplewhobecomeemotionallyintimatedosobytakingtheriskofbeingemotionallyvulnerablewiththeirpartner,revealingtheirtrueselvesandfeelingemotionallysafeafterwardinsteadoffeelingjudged,mocked,invalidatedorrejected.

Intimacyisbasedonemotionalsafety,patience,respect,consistencyandamutualgive-and-take.Withoutself-disclosure,therecanbenointimacy.Themoreintimateyouarewithsomeone,thesaferyoufeelandthemoreworthwhiletherelationship.Youarefreetobeyourselfwithinanatmosphereofmutualacceptanceandunderstanding.

Intensity,ontheotherhand,involvesdrama,anxiety,uncertaintyandfear.It'sallaboutpush-pull,hot-cold,high-low.

AccordingtoHarrietLerner,PhDinherbook,DanceofIntimacy,"Intensityisbeingcompletelylostintheemotionofunreasoningdesire.Itismarkedbyurgency,sexualdesire,anxiety,high-riskchoicesandtherecklessabandonmentofwhatwasoncevalued.All-consumingeuphoriasimilartorecreationaldruguse(addictivechemicalreactionsinthebrain)....lossofabilitytomakerationalevaluationsofwhatistrue,valuableandworthy.Desiretobealwaysclosetothatpersonatanycost."

Incontrast,Lernerwritesthatanintimaterelationship"isoneinwhichneitherpartysilences,sacrifices,orbetraystheselfandeachpartyexpressesstrengthandvulnerability,weaknessandcompetenceinabalancedway...Intimacymeansthatwecanbewhoweareinarelationship,andallowtheotherpersontodothesame.'Beingwhoweare'requiresthatwecantalkopenlyaboutthingsthatareimportanttous,thatwetakeaclearpositiononwherewestandonimportantemotionalissues,andthatweclarifythelimitsofwhatisacceptableandtolerabletousinarelationship."

Thatissimplynotpossiblewithamanipulator.

Bondingcreatedbyintensity--emotionalhighsandlows--ismaintainedbypowerfulsurgesofeuphoria-inducingdopamineduringthehighs,andanintensecravingformoreduringthelows.

Learningtheoristshavefoundthatapatternofintermittentreinforcement,whichispositivereinforcementalternatedwithpunishment(apatternofabuseandreward),developsthestrongestemotionalbonds.

Intermittentgood-badtreatmenttriggersbiologicalchangesaswellasemotionalones.Relationshipsbasedonintensityareactuallythesameasanaddictiontodrugsoralcohol.Interactionwithyourpartnerfostersaspecificpatternofcompulsivebehaviorandisnotreallyanintimaterelationshipatall:It'sanaddiction,inthetruesenseoftheword.

Theseexploitativerelationshipsformatraumabond,ahighlyaddictiveattachmenttoapersonwhoishurtingyou.Apersoninatraumabondisessentiallyaddictedtoarelationshipwithsomeonewhoisdestructiveandhurtful.Signsofatraumabondincludetheinabilitytodetachandself-destructivedenial.

WriterandabusesurvivorAmandaDomurackidescribeditperfectlywhenshewrote,"Wecannotwalkaway,though,becausewithoutusrealizingit,ourabuserhasbecomeourhumanneedle;ourDrugLordofLove.Thepersonwhoownsourself-valueandself-worthandwho,inthenameoflove,canrejectus

intodeeplowswithasingleglare,orsendustoeuphorichighswithonesimplesmile."

Toknowthatyouarelovedforwhoyouare,andtoknowsomeoneelseinalloftheirvulnerabilityandtolovethemastheyare,maybeoneoflife’smostfulfillingexperiences,sayssociologistBreneBrown.

Intensity,ontheotherhand,istheoppositeoffulfilling.Itisdraining,exhausting,crazymakingand,ultimately,meaninglessandempty.

Themostimportanttestofintimacyistoaskyourselfifyourrelationshipisasafehavenwhereyoufeellovedandacceptedforbeingyourself.

“Thereisnothingmoreintimateinlifethansimplybeingunderstood.”

~BradMeltzer,TheInnerCircle

CHAPTERSEVEN:

NOWWHAT?

Atthispoint,youprobablyhaveamuchclearerideaofwhetherornotyou'rebeingmanipulatedbysomeoneclosetoyou.Ifyouare,whatshouldyoudo?Thereisnoeasyanswer.Thewayyouresponddependsonmanyfactors:Isthepersonwhoismanipulatingyouapathologicalmanipulatorwhohasnootherwayofrelatingtoothers?Orisitsomeonewhousesmanipulationfromtimetotimetogetsomeneedmet,andwhocouldlearnabetterwaytogoaboutit?Whatisyourrelationshiptothemanipulator?Howdetrimentalistheirmanipulationtoyou?Whathavetheconsequencesbeentotherelationshipandtoyourpsychologicalwell-being?

Ifyou'reinvolvedwithapathologicalmanipulatorwhohasbeendamagingyourmentalhealth,yoursenseofselfworthandyourqualityoflife,theonlyansweristoendyourrelationshipwiththem.Thatmightnotbeeasytodo.Youmightbemarriedtothemanipulatorandhavechildrentogether.Butthereisnootheranswerifyou'retrulydealingwithamanipulatorwhohasapersonalitydisordersuchaspsychopathyornarcissisticpersonalitydisorder.Seektherapywithamentalhealthprofessionalwhohasexpertiseinabusiverelationshipsandthetraumathatresults,orcontactyourlocaldomesticviolenceorganizationforhelp.Emotionalmanipulationisabuse.

Thefollowingbookscanhelpyoutolearnmoreaboutpathologicalmanipulators.Ihavereadeachoneandfoundthemtobeexcellent:

DangerousPersonalities:AnFBIProfilerShowsYouHowtoIdentifyandProtectYourselffromHarmfulPeoplebyJoeNavarroandToniSciarraPoynter.

Fromthebookdescription:"FormerFBIprofilerJoeNavarroshowsreadershowtoidentifythefourmostcommon'dangerouspersonalities'andanalyzehowmuchofathreateachonecanbe:theNarcissist,thePredator,theParanoid,andtheUnstablePersonality.Alongtheway,readerslearnhowtoprotectthemselvesbothimmediatelyandlong-term―aswellashowtorecoverfromthetraumaofbeingclosetosuchadestructiveforce."

InSheep'sClothing:UnderstandingandDealingWithManipulativePeople,byGeorgeK.Simon,Phd.Dr.Simonisanexcellentsourceofinformationabout

thecharacter-disorderedamongusandhowtodealwiththem.

Fromthebook'sdescription,includedare"Fourreasonswhyvictimshaveahardtimeleavingabusiverelationships;powertacticsmanipulatorsusetopushtheirownagendasandjustifytheirbehavior;waystoredefinetherulesofengagementbetweenyouandanabuser;howtospotpotentialweaknessesinyourcharacterthatcansetyouupformanipulation;and12toolsforpersonalempowermenttohelpyoumaintaingreaterstrengthinallrelationships."

Ifyoubelieveyou'redealingwithamorebenign,garden-varietymanipulator,andyoufeeltherelationshipisworthwhileandsalvageable,pleasereadDr.HarrietBraiker'sinvaluablebook,Who'sPullingYourStrings?HowtoBreaktheCycleofManipulationandRegainControlofYourLife.Thisisabookeveryoneshouldread.Theauthorteachesthereaderhowtohandlemanydifferenttypesofmanipulation.

Indispensibleadviceforanyonewhowantstoprotectthemselvesfrommanipulationistoworkondevelopingclear,strongpersonalboundaries.Boundariesprotectyourvalues,goals,time,resources,emotionalhealthandwhateverelseisimportanttoyou.Manipulationcausesyoutoactagainstyourownbestinterest.Ifyourboundariesareclearandstrong,youwillrecognizewhensomeoneisattemptingtocrossthem.Thegoalofmanipulationistorobyouofwhatisofimportanceandvaluetoyou,forthemanipulator'spersonalgain.Pleasedon'tletthathappentoyou.

Forguidanceindevelopingyourpersonalboundaries,I'vewrittenthebookBoundaries:LovingAgainAfteraPathologicalRelationship.Manyreadershavesaiditisahelpfulandvaluableresource.

CHAPTEREIGHT:

YOURBASICHUMANRIGHTS

Iwillendthisbookwithalistofthebasichumanrightsweallhave.Manipulatorsworkhardtomakeyouforgetthem,soI'dliketoremindyouofwhattheyare:Ihavetherighttohavemyneedsandfeelingsbeasimportantasanyoneelse’s.

Ihavetherighttoexperienceandexpressmyfeelings,ifIchoosetodoso.

Ihavetherighttonotberesponsibleforthefeelingsofanother.

Ihavetherighttoexpressmyopinions,ifIchoosetodoso.

Ihavetherighttosetmyownpriorities.

IhavetherighttoestablishindependenceifIchooseto.

IhavetherighttodecidehowIspendmytime.

Ihavetherighttochoosemyownlifestyle.

Ihavetherighttochangemylifestyle,myself,mybehaviors,myvalues,mylifesituation,andmymind.

Ihavetherighttomakehonestmistakesandtoadmitthosemistakeswithoutfeelinghumiliated.

Ihavetherighttoself-fulfillmentthroughmyowntalentsandinterests.

Ihavetherighttogrowasapersonandtoacceptnewchallenges.

IhavetherighttochoosewhoIspendmytimewithandwhoIsharemybodywith.

Ihavetherighttobetreatedwithdignityandrespectinallmyrelationships.

Ihavetherighttobelistenedtorespectfully.

IhavetherighttoaskforwhatIwantassertively.

Ihavetherighttosay“Idon’tunderstand”or“Idon’tknow”withoutbeinghumiliated.

Ihavetherighttosay“No,”andtosetlimitsandboundarieswithoutfeelingguilty.

IhavetherighttosetlimitsonhowIwillbetreatedinrelationships.

Ihavetherighttoexpectmyboundariestoberespected.

Ihavetherighttowalkawayfromtoxicorabusiverelationships.

Ihavetherighttohavethesebasichumanrightsandtostandupforthem.

Yourbasicrightsarethefoundationofyourpersonalboundaries.Ifyoukeeptheserightsinmindandguardthem,youwillnoteasilybecomeavictimofemotionalmanipulation.

Thankyouforreadingthisbook.Isincerelyhopeithashelpedyoulearnmoreaboutemotionalmanipulationandenabledyoutospotitinyourownrelationships.Ifithasfulfilleditsmission,pleaseleaveashortreviewonAmazon.Yoursupportistrulyappreciated.Thankyou.

AlltheBesttoYou,AdelynBirch

Formorevaluableinformationpleasevisittheauthor'swebsite,PsychopathsandLove.com

OtherbooksbyAdelynBirch:

Boundaries:LovingAgainAfteraPathologicalRelationship

PsychopathsandLove

202WaystoSpotaPsychopathinPersonalRelationships

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