for Fen

"Sometimes when I could not see any light I would look at her, and I would see it."

Campus Chronicle Issue 10 - Vol. XCII - April 6, 2016 Pacific Union College

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On the day after Easter, the day we remember when Christ rose from the dead, we mourned the passing of one we love. Sophomore Fen Pan, also known as Shirley to some of her friends, left us too soon. Our hearts are breaking for an important member of our PUC family, and we remember her own family in Beijing who are mourning this loss. This issue of the Campus Chronicle is dedicated to the memory of our friend, Fen.

“Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.” — Psalm 30:5. The night comes; the mourning comes. We are not guaranteed sunshine every hour, but we are guaranteed that there will be the joy of morning, following the mourning. We have the hope that God brings us of life and salvation. We remember Fen now and we know that we will see her again in that morning.

We ask that you continue to pray for all of Fen’s family and friends who miss her dearly. We hope that this issue can bring you both consolation and joy to read about the beautiful spirit that Fen leaves us in her memory.

— Tara Hattendorf

Letter from the Editor

Cover photo from Fen's Instagram on March 26: fennie_pan0816

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Well, if you opened to the door to Fen’s dorm room, you’d see that what she liked was the color turquoise — it was everywhere in her room. What she loved was her family. Last week during spring break, she and her dad had a Northern California father-daughter trip. And he told us when he got home, he wrote a little story about what a wonderful time they had.

Another thing that Fen loved were her friends. Last year as a freshman in Graf Hall, she immediately made friends with several other new girls. In fact she got into a little bit of trouble with her dean because they would sleep on the couches in the study room so they could stay up late at night and talk. Fen was always the last girl to fall asleep, and she would want to keep the other girls awake so that they could keep talking. Of course with a bunch of teenage girls in a dorm, there was never any drama. Actually, when there was, Fen came to be known as the bridge to reconcile everyone. She would say, “Peace is always better.”

Her group of friends were all like brothers and sisters; they were like family. They would descend on the cafeteria in a big group and were known to laugh and joke a lot. They have remembered her as being silly, funny, caring and forgiving. One young lady said, “She had a bright outlook on life.” She shared that with everyone that knew her. Another remembers her as having a good memory. She would mention that “I have a test,” and that night, Fen would find her and say, “How did your test go?” At the end of last quarter, she was in the cafeteria early one morning filling up several to go boxes with food. She and her friends stayed up very late studying the night before. While they slept, Fen got up to bring them breakfast.

Our dear Fen’s life was cut short, but she made a difference in many lives while she was here. She will live on in our hearts forever. In her memory, I hope that we can all be more like her and just take care of each other. It was truly an honor to have known her.

— Denise Grant, Dean of Winning Hall

Words from Friends

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I don’t even know where to begin. Like others I still cannot believe this happened. I just talked to you two days before the incident and we were making plans for summer. My heart is so heavy and by looking through your pictures, tears are falling. Fen, you are such a beautiful soul and are so loved by so many of us. Thank you so much for being one of a kind. You were one of the greatest friends I met at PUC and you gave me so much to remember. I will never forget those notes left at my desk to brighten up my days and 626 this year will not be the same without you. I pray that God will help your family and friends to find a way to keep the sweet memories of you alive and heal our broken hearts. You will be thought of always, till we meet again. May you rest in peace for now, dear.

With my deepest condolence and love, Dada

— Darika Churdsuwanrak, Friend

Have a good rest, my sweet angel Fen. I’m so glad that we are friends and that we get to make so many good memories together. You are such a sweet person with such a big heart and I will definitely miss seeing your cheerful face around campus. I have never imagined this would happen ... we are both so young and you had such a bright future ahead of you, however I believe that God had plans and purposes for all of us and I’m looking forward to seeing you again in Heaven where there will be no more pain, sorrow or tears. I love you and miss you so much.

— Narudee Churdsuwanrak, Friend

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For Fen,Fen was more than just a friend to me, we got so close that she became my

“baby” fen. She was one of my closest friend ever since I met her. She used to call me “mama,” and I remember that freshman year her room was in front of mine, and I would always spend the entire quarter with her and other friends as well. The first time I met her, it was when she could not go back to our dorm because her package that she got from the mailroom was so big. I told her that I could take it, and carried it all the way to Graf. We discovered that we had the same classes, same interests, and a huge desire to laugh about anything in life.

We used to study really late at night, and I would make fun for her because our last conversation would sound like, “Baby fen, when are you going to sleep?”

“Probably 2 Mama.” “2 because of bio or this new Korean drama I see

on your screen?” And she would make fun of me because my skin

is a little yellow, and she would say that I was Chinese like her (even though I am not Asian). I would simply feel better when she was there, not too stressed out or too homesick. My parents are either in Africa or in France, hers are in China; we understood each other about that. I loved to play the piano, but got a

little nervous when I played for people, but for Fen it was fine. Fen was really funny, but she also saw the positive in situations where it seemed

to be so dark, and when the light wasn’t showing yet. Sometimes when I could not see any light I would look at her, and I would see it. She was so encouraging in hard moments, and so giving on a regular basis. She was a little candy, and she was our love. I could write a book about our friendship, butt words can hardly express how much I miss her, and especially how much I loved her. I will always love her with every single inch of my body, and I will make sure to do what we always tried to do together which is to laugh, be happy, celebrate God’s gift of life, play music.

I want to tell her parents that they should be proud of Fen, what she accomplished. I am so desperately sorry for the family, and I want them to know that Fen was loved and will always be. Baby Fen, I miss you so much that sometimes I want to give up, but I won’t because you told me to do the opposite so many times that it isn’t now that I will change that. I miss you so much, but most of all I love you so much, present and future. Forever in our hearts. I am so thankful to the Lord that I knew you, and I will always carry your smile in my heart, and it will give me the strength to go through this.

I love you Baby Fen, you will always be in a special part of my heart. We love you so much. Celeste (Mama).

— Celeste Beliard, Friend

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Psalm 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

When I saw a flipped car laying on the road, I was in shock and prayed everything will be okay…. Do you know how hard it is for us to know that you’re gone? How can I know the goodbye you said to us the night before the accident was your farewell? I remember you said on the dinner table the night before the accident that you had to take biology again this summer before go home to China. I saw it from your eyes that you were worried about your grades. I believe you went to a better place where there will be no more biology…. You watched me and my girlfriend become together, you were there to share many memories with her. Thank you for your smile and a always positive attitude. You taught me when the world was up against you, just smile back and carry on. Thank you for being a part of our life. We love you and we will always miss you.

We will keep your family in Beijing in mind and see you in a better place soon. There will only be joy when that day comes.

— Erick Lee & Tiffany Liu, Friends

I met Fen my freshman year, fall quarter. From the moment I met her, she was very caring and loving. She made sure to take care of me and the rest of our friends in any way that she can. My freshman year, I used to live in Winning, while most of my friends including her lived in Graf. One thing that I particularly remember the most is that she used to always make sure to text me when they were about to go to the cafeteria, so that I can have a meal with them. She used to always text me or Snapchat me making sure that I was doing well. Also, when I had sleepovers at her room, she used to make sure to feed me cereal or fruits, then let me use her skin care products, and she would let me sleep in her bed, while she slept at her roommate’s bed. She used to also cook Chinese and Korean food, and invite

our group of friends to eat with her.

I once told her that I loved her cute hot water bottle warmer. When she went to China for Christmas break, she remembered what I said, and brought me the cutest hot water bottle warmer ever. Not only that, but

she also brought me and my other friends cute pens that had our favorite K-pop band names on it. She was very calm, and pleasant to be around. She used to always tell me that I am so EXTRA and CRAZY. I really enjoyed spending my time studying, talking, playing games, and watching Korean dramas with her and my other friends at the Graf Parlor. Through the ups and downs in our friendship, her character never changed. She was always the sweetest Fen I knew.

After moving from Ethiopia to USA, I had a hard time making friends and relating to people. She was the answer to my prayers and everything that I could ever ask for. I am glad that God put a friend like her in my life. Even though I have to say goodbye to her so soon, I look forward to meeting her again. She would always have a special place in my heart. I will cherish all the memories that I have of her. I miss her so much and I can’t wait to see her smiling face again!

P.S. Fena, I miss you and I love you so much. See you soon! ~~~ Elshu

— Elshaday Kebede, Friend

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Imagine a soul that is kind, wonderfully pure, entirely giving and gentle, so much so that it effortlessly warms the hearts of many. This soul, though soft-spoken, is impossible not to acknowledge. Her presence is bright and radiates into the now and extending forth and far beyond, even after it is gone. If you can imagine an individual that emulates these extraordinary capacities, you’ve seen a glimpse into the precious spirit of Fen Pan. It takes a unique person to touch as many lives as she did — both in life and in death. Fen truly embodied a life of selfless giving. Stress, sadness, and frustration could not break the beautiful walls of Fen’s soul. Her ever-present smile, warm heart and spirit of giving have inspired hope and admiration in those around her. Though she has left our earthly home, her spirit and impact live on — for it is in the life of Fen that we find the spirit of Christ. Fen lived vivaciously — full of honor, courage, and joy — and she has taught us all to do the same.

— Jessica Nelson, Resident Assistant in Winning Hall

I will never forget Fen’s smile. I first met Fen as a freshman resident of Graf Hall. She was a little shy, but excited to be at PUC. She was one that made solid connections and I loved having her (and her playfully mischievous group of friends) here in Graf. When my night shifts were over and I walked home, I would often pass by Fen and friends studying (or goofing off) in Graf Parlor. I’d see Fen studying hard or taking the cutest selfies with cupcakes stickers all-over the picture (I would also try to photobomb her, often). I never went home without a final laugh or smile from our girl, Fen. That’s how I’ll always remember her: with a smile that just made one’s day.

— Lunelle Bertresse, Dean at Graf Hall

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1 Remember that your grief is unique.

Others may grieve in different ways than you because your experience will be influenced by a variety of factors. It is important not to compare oneself with others who are grieving, and to consider the “one-day-at-a-time” approach to allow yourself to proceed at your own pace.

2 Remember that it is often helpful to talk about your grief.

By expressing grief openly, healing occurs and you are likely to feel better. Ignoring it will not make your grief go away. It is important to seek out caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging.

3 Expect to feel a multitude of emotions.

Your head, heart and spirit will be affected when you are experiencing loss. As a result, you may experience feelings of confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief or other emotions. It is important to know that these emotions are normal responses to the death of a loved one even though you may be feeling overwhelmed at the time.

4 Allow for some numbness that may occur.

Part of the grief experience when a loved one dies includes feeling numb or disoriented. It allows your emotions to “catch up” with what you know intellectually and allows you to be insulated from the reality of the death until you can tolerate what you don’t want to believe.

5 Be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits.

You may feel very tired as a result of your feelings of loss and sadness. Your low energy level may impair your ability to think clearly and to make decisions. It is important to nurture yourself by getting daily rest, eating balanced meals and lowering your expectations of yourself.

6 You may experience grief attacks or flashbacks.

These “surges of grief ” or flashbacks (memory embraces) can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. These feelings are also a normal reaction. Try to find someone who understands how you’re feeling and is willing to listen.

Principles of GriefChaplain Lee Shaw, Law Enforcement and Fire Service Chaplaincy of Napa County

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7 Remember to develop a support system.

Although reaching out to others and accepting their help may be difficult, finding people who will provide the understanding you need and who will let you be yourself may be the best action you can take on your own behalf.

8 Make use of ritual.

The funeral ritual serves the dual purpose of acknowledging the death of a loved one and allowing you to express grief. It also provides you with the support of caring people who are also grieving.

9 You have the freedom to embrace your spirituality.

Express your faith in whatever ways that seem appropriate to you. You may feel hurt and abandoned and may feel angry with God because of the death of someone you loved, but it is important to realize that this feeling is a normal part of grief. Try to find someone who won’t be judgmental about your feelings and who will allow you to explore your thoughts and feelings.

10 You have the freedom to allow a search for meaning.

You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die?” or “Why now?” This search for meaning is often another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them.

11 You have the freedom to cherish your memories.

Treasure your memories of your loved one who has died. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.

12 You have the freedom to move through your grief and heal.

The capacity to love requires the necessity to grieve when someone you loved dies. You cannot heal unless you openly express your grief. Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling grief will not happen quickly. Remember grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Never forget that the death of someone you loved changes your life forever. It’s not that you will never be happy again. It’s simply that you will never be exactly the same as you were before the death.

Editor-in-ChiefTara Hattendorf

Assistant EditorTaylor Pittenger

News EditorJJ Nash

Features EditorJanet Morales

Fitness & Sports EditorMalek Sheen

Opinion EditorGlorianne Besana

Layout EditorTaylor Smith

Copy EditorsEmily Mathe Kevin Tran

Faculty AdvisersLynne ThewMichelle Rai

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