20130510 unplanned dad ver 1 pecha kucha pdf
TRANSCRIPT
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unPlanned DAD Your Guide from the Other Side
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This is an extended presentation of a talk I gave at Pecha Kucha Cape Town in May 2013
If you want to book me for other talks (so that I can pay for my ‘unplanneddadness’) or contact me for further information, my contact details are at the end
Kind thanks to the countless sites from whom I borrowed images
I hope you will understand my eagerness to spread a goodwill message
MARK VELLA, CAPE TOWN, MAY 2013
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Hands up if you are not yet a parent?
Then this presentation is for you
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If you are a parent…
Then I hope it provides some nostalgia and entertainment
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This is my family. My Name is Mark. I work in the field of Lifestyle Medicine, I am a social entrepreneur and 2 years ago I became an unplanned Dad. I’d like to thank my family for the content and permission for this presentation
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So in 2010, 3 days before the World Cup in South Africa, we scored our own opening goal.
We were both in our 40’s and pretty much clueless
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But Nature in its wisdom
gave you 9 months
to prepare
So don’t panic…
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Ladies, when you come home with that pink strip on your pregnancy test and tell you partner he’s going to be a dad, here’s how he might react…
(On the inside)
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Part of him inside is more like No.10 than No.1
Its not because he doesn’t love you or doesn’t want to be dad
Instead here’s why…
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1st: “I wont be a good Dad”
He’s worried he won’t be a good dad
He seen bad examples, maybe even in his own life
He’s see how difficult it can be, even with the best of intentions
He’s worried he doesn’t know the first thing about being a dad
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2nd: I won’t be able to provide
He see’s the long term extrapolation of what that pink strip means in financial terms
He sees the seriousness and the scale of it all
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Cost of raising child in SA?
R1,681,470.00 (Psst that’s…R7,784.49 a month)
1. Birth to 18yrs
2. Av middle income family
3. Excludes college, university.
4. Not inflation accounted
5. SA Government 2009
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To save for University ?
R 6000.00 (So I can send her to Uni in 2030)
1. Born in 2011
2. Inflation accounted
3. Sunday times News Paper 2011, article
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But men, be grateful for that new budget item
Have some perspective because…
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The issues will stem from
1. Differing values
2. Differing expectations
3. The division of labour
Get these 3 right and you’ll be fine
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7 factors to chat about
1. Relationship Stability
2. Future career
3. Financial fitness
4. Support
5. Birth philosophy
6. Health of you and partner
7. Nutrition
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On the following issues:
1. Birth method
2. Breastfeeding
3. Co-sleeping
Chat and agree.
But know that
ultimately it’s a women's prerogative
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Use Pinterest
1. To learn from others
2. To create vision board of your new parenthood
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There will be times she will wish you were pregnant
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Imagine
Carrying this rucksack on your front for 9 months:
Sleeping with it,
Showering with it,
Going to work with it,
Having sex with it
Go ahead , try it for a full 24 hours
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And imagine it made you puke, fart and gave you heartburn amongst other things
Imagine you at times felt like this guy,
Or that sometimes you felt your body is going to end up like this guy
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Imagine coping with the horror stories,
The fear of the unknown
Knowing constantly about the possible risks,
And feeling the weight of expectation upon you
All the while trying to be pretty, a great friend, lover, co-worker, future mom and perfect partner for you
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And then there’s the birth..
Which I have heard one woman describe as ‘pushing this watermelon through a pinhole’
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Make no mistake birth is a beautiful miracle
But it is also the one of the most physically challenging, transformative events of a woman's life
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It’s not like the movies which distort and ridicule birth
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/
Real birth is a much more down to earth, real, immediate experience http://naturalbirthinkitsap.blogspot.com
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All I can say to the men is be there
I pulled my daughter out and cut her chord
Ill never forget that moment and what it meant http://mamabirth.blogspot.com/2012/07/natural-birth-isnt-big-deal.html
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Natural Medical Side Note:
As a Naturopath, I favour:
1. Natural Birth
2. Breastfeeding
3. Co-sleeping
4. Informed nutrition
FACT:
Natural Births
In USA 5%
In SA 8-10% (elective)
I am troubled by the medicalization of birth
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I am troubled by the commercialisation of our children
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Beware the
DAY
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Why?
She has just run a marathon giving birth
She could be in pain.
She is doubting her ability to cope
She is feeling the full weight of responsibility bearing down on her. Will baby ever stop crying?
Is it the end of life?
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And you forget…
that this started 9mo ago: loosing her figure, the discomfort and lifestyle changes, whilst you carry on as normal.
By Day 9 the euphoria of the birth hormones abate and exhaustion sets in, often leading to postnatal depression.
So you need to have 2 Laws in place from Day 1
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Law 1
Its crucial from Day 1 to rest
Rest is above all else in the list of priorities
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Law 2
The focus is on the baby and your partner for first 12 weeks
Everyone else comes second by a country mile.
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In the first 3 months
Do what ever you can to support her
She will really need it
Get support in if you need it
Division of labour is necessary
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The Rule of 3
In the first 3 months,
babies cry for 3 main reasons:
1. They are hungry
2. They have wind
3. They have a full nappy
PS, guys changing a nappy
is easy
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Establish Routine
1. Predictable work and rest patterns
2. Helps you to know what cry means what?
3. For baby, they become secure in the pattern
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1. The healthier option but she must want to breastfeed
2. It’s a woman's decision
3. Women have fear that they will not produce milk, they will have pain, cracked nipples
4. It’s a huge issue for them re failure or success as mom
PS Realise that at least 6 months her
boobs will not be yours
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At some point you will think of yourself as this guy
But often you will be this guy
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The great thing though is you join a new club called fatherhood
All those fathers with kids look at you, and instantly you understand each other’s lives. They know your truth
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DAD… A sons first hero
A daughter’s first love
an example to both
Your life will be the foundation for your child's
Your child will model their behaviour on your actions, not your words
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Connection
Really be with me,
Dad Forget ‘quality time’,
What they want most to feel stable and secure is
TIME with you
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The Real Connectors
Touch
Reading
Tone
Babygazing
Time
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Finally, Ladies…an Cave If your man starts showing signs
of wanting to hide in his cave
everyonce in a while
He is not trying to avoid
fatherly responsibilities
He is showing very
normal behavior
Let him,
he will be a better dad for it
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Wishing you best of an amazing journey…
Want to book me, or know more?
“Unplanned Dad”
082 940 7465