10sr accountability.final

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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 2

NOTE: These materials may not be copied, transmitted electronically, edited, published, or sold without the written

permission of the author. Additional copies can be purchased and downloaded at www.claredegraaf.com

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978,

1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

WHY ACCOUNTABILITY?

To whom you are accountable spiritually?

Of course were all accountable to God. And most

Christians have a Bible study group or Christian

friends they hang out with. But do you have a flesh

and blood person who youve empowered to ask you

the tough questions that will inspire you to live out the

mission God has prepared for you in this life?

I do! I have five men, and my wife has four women,

who are committed to help us grow spiritually,

relationally, emotionally, and even physically. These

are the men who watch my life and my back. They

pray for me, encourage me when I need it, and speak

truth to me even when Id prefer not to hear it. Theyre

my accountability partners, my friends, and my

brothers in Christ.

Each of you should look not only to your own

interests, but also to the interests of others.

(Philippians 2:4)

THE CALL

More than twenty years ago, I received a call from my

friend Tom that had a profound effect on my life. He

asked if we could have lunch to talk about something

God had put on his mind. Normally Id be wary. Whatdoes he want from me? That would be the first

question that popped into my head, but I trusted Tom,

so we met.

Clare, he started out, Ive been frustrated lately

with how little Im growing in some very important

areas of my life. I really want to be a better follower

of Jesus. I really desire to be a better husband and

father and even a better friend to my friends. I have

all these good intentions, but for one reason or

another they just never seem to happen. The tyranny

of the urgent, my job, the busyness of life, all kinds

of factors seem to suck the life out of me and I rarely

get around to doing the things I know God really

wants for me.

He had my attention. Immediately I identified with

his frustration. What reasonably sensitive person

wouldnt? Unlike God or our spouse or our children,

our boss and customers and clients are sitting right

in front of us or online, demanding our attention now,not when we have time, but NOW!

For stay-at-home moms its the same. The demands

of children and all the frustrations of keeping a

household afloat can be overwhelming. When do

they have the time to address theirneeds and grow

in the relationships that mean so much to them? And

mothers who work outside the home are in a whole

other league.

LIFE IN THE CANDY FACTORY

I grew up watching I Love Lucy, a popular TV show

staring Lucille Ball, the dizzy wife of Ricky Ricardo.

In one famous episode she and her friend, Ethel, got

a job in a chocolate candy factory. Their job was to

put candy in little wrappers as they came down the

conveyor belt. But their supervisor kept speeding up

the belt until candy was dropping off the end of the

line. So to cover up their failure, they ate as many

candies as they could, stuffed them in their clothes,anything to keep up. But they never could handle their

supervisors expectations.

Like Lucy at the candy factory, the line seems to

speed up every day, and the most important people

and aspects of our life get whats left over. At the end

of the day, were so beat we just want to relax. We

tell ourselves that well attend to our spiritual life and

spend quality time with our spouse or children this

weekend. But this weekend rarely happens. We tell

ourselves this lie, and we desperately want to believe

it, because we dont see any other answer.


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TOMS PLAN

So heres what I had in mind, said Tom. Id like

each of us to write down a half dozen things we know

we ought to do to be the kind of Christian, husband,

father, and friend we want to be. Then I thought we

could meet together weekly, exchange our lists, and

empower the other person to ask the question, Howare you doing in ________________? and go right down

the list. I need a real person sitting right in front of me

to encourage me to move from where I am to where

I know God wants me to be, and my family needs me

to be. He also suggested that at the end of our times

together, we pray for one another and the significant

people in our lives.

As soon as he finished explaining his plan, it was

one of those dah! moments for me. Of course,

thats what I needed! This wasnt one more persondemanding one more thing of me. These were goals

I was going to setgoals both God and I wanted of

me. I was just giving permission to another brother

in Christ to ask me how I was doing and encourage

me to godliness. Ironically, if my wife asked me the

same questions, Id probably think she was nagging.

But a man I trust asking me these same questions felt

empowering.

Still, I was wary. I knew that once I started down this

road, Id actually have to do the things I said I wanted

to do or Id feel guilty. And I hated guilt. But lets face

it, my plan so far to mature in these areas wasnt

exactly on fire, and his idea intuitively made sense. So

I said yes before I changed my mind and Ive never

regretted it.

We agreed that it would be best to ask another

person to join us, so we wouldnt get lazy. We prayed

about another man we would both feel comfortable

with and asked him in on this adventure with us.

Over the years, in my experience helping hundreds

of people find accountability partners and form

accountability groups, Ive found that three to four is

the ideal number of members. When only two people

meet, over time its a temptation to simply end up

having coffee or lunch and talking about life. Thats

not a bad thing, in fact its a great thing, but thats

not the purpose of accountability groups. With three

or four, if the group drifts to just friendly discussions,

someone usually is astute or spiritual enough to

remind the group of our purpose for meeting, and

keeps everyone on track.

MY BEST DEFINITION OFACCOUNTABILITY GROUPS:

Accountability groups are small circles of

Christian friends committed to encouraging one

another to live out the will of God for their l ives.

Two are better than one, because they have a

good return for their work: If one falls down, his

friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls

and has no one to help him up!(Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

CHOOSING ACCOUNTABILITYPARTNERS

Here are some things to keep in mind as you begin

thinking about choosing accountability partners.

1 The two primary requirements for accountabilitypartners are that they be believers and ones you

respect. Personally, there are a number of people

who claim to be believers who I d never trust to be

one of my accountability partners. Look for men or

women whose character demonstrates a love for

God and a heart for people.

Why is this so important? You need to be confident

that the counsel you receive from your partners is

rooted in his or her commitment to the Bible and

Jesus Christ, and not just their opinions. They dont

have to be spiritual giants, but they should want

to be.

2 It would be beneficial if at least one person in yourgroup was spiritually mature and had a good grasp

of biblical truths. If not, consider seeking out the

most spiritual person you know. This person could

mentor your group for three to six months rather

than being a permanent member, until you feel

youre going in the right direction.


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 4

He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as

it has been taught, so that he can encourage others

by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.

(Titus 1:9)

3 Each group should be made up of all men or allwomen. I dont recommend co-ed groups.

4 The ideal group size is three or four, but I have sixin my accountability group now and it works.

5 Make this selection process a matter of regularprayer and develop a short list of the names of

people the Holy Spirit leads you to consider. These

are people youre going to empower to encourage

you, so think deeply about these people. This isnt

like joining a Bible study that you can quit anytime

you want, or a gym class where you count off by

4s. Finding Gods best for you is critical.6 Find the first person before you ask a third

or fourth. Then the two of you should select

the next member of your group, and the three

pick the fourth and so on. Before you meet to

discuss whether or not someone is interested in

an accountability relationship,send them to our

website and ask them to download a copy of

this booklet, or purchase a copy for them. Start

your group off right, with integrity. Please dont

photocopy these materials.

7 Over the years Ive found that best friends makegreat accountability partners. Unlike casual

acquaintances, they already know how you treat

your spouse and your children. Theyve observed

your life; they know your moods, your strengths

and your blind spots. Almost universally, Ive

found good friends who are accountability friends

become even better friends over the years.

THE FIRST FEWEXPLORATORY MEETINGS

Set some dates for the first few meetings and make

it clear that at this stage no one is agreeing to be an

accountability partner yet, but you want to meet for

a few weeks to get to know each other better and

discuss everyones expectations. Take a few minutes

to review some common expectations.

Confidentiality

Absolutely everything that is said in this group is

confidential, even from your spouse. Period. Everyone

needs to know this is a safe place and gossip wontbe tolerated.

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy

man keeps a secret.(Proverbs 11:13)

Vulnerability

If a person isnt willing to be vulnerable and

transparent about their fears, their hopes, and

their struggles, then not only cant they be helped,

but they will discourage the rest of the group frombeing vulnerable. Having said this, it may take some

members a few months to gain confidence in the rest

of the group, especially if they dont know everyone

well. But the bottom line is this: Your accountability

partners cant help you unless they know whats going

on in your life.

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you

who are spiritual should restore him gently. But

watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

(Galatians 6:1)

Safety

Safety simply means that when a member or partner

reveals something in their life, the rest of the group

needs to listen without judgment, criticism, or advice

unless asked for it. You will eventually get to some

pretty raw issues or sins, but not if the group reacts

immediately with judgment. Make this a safe place to

bring anything, and make it a place of healing.

Carry each others burdens, and in this way you

will fulfill the law of Christ.(Galatians 6:2)

Likewise, do not allow group members to complain

about or dishonor their spouses. Only share

information the group absolutely needs to know

in order to help them understand issues in your


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 5

marriage, No jokes about spouses. They need to feel

safe also.

However, each one of you also must love his wife

as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her

husband.(Ephesians 5:33)

Encouragement

Successful accountability partners are encouragers

and cheerleaders. There are enough people out there

who want to discourage you. This group is the place

where you leave feeling more loved and encouraged

than when you came. Continue encouraging each

other throughout the week by sending emails, texts,

handwritten notes, or voicemail.

Therefore encourage one another and build

each other up, just as in fact you are doing.(IThessalonians 5:11)

Accountability

Accountability is difficult. Studying the Bible is a

lot easier than putting the truths of Gods Word

into practice and holding ourselves and others

accountable. Accountability groups can easily drift

into Bible studies, with accountability happening

only once or twice a year. The primary purpose for

accountability groups is accountability. Above allmake sure that is happening, all the while encouraging

personal and group Bible study for every person in

your group, for the rest of your lives.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into

strict training. They do it to get a crown that will

not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last

forever.(ICorinthians 9:25)

Prayer

Agree that if you decide to be accountability partners,

one of the covenants you will make is to pray for one

another regularly. If thats not daily, at the very least

weekly.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all

kinds or prayers and requests. With this in mind, be

alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

(Ephesians 6:18)

GETTING ACQUAINTED:

1 Ask everyone to take 1530 minutes to give thegroup a brief summary of themselves, including the

type of family they grew up in, education, hobbies,

spiritual journey, and current information.. The goal

is to get a feel for each persons spiritual maturity,

transparency, and family or personal issues that

have shaped their lives. This may take more than

one meeting; take your time. Let each person know

ahead of time when theyll be asked to give this

brief biographical summary.

2 Spend a week talking about your expectations for

this group. Ask everyone why they are consideringbeing in a group like this and what they hope will be

the results. What general areas of life does each

feel needs the most attention right now?

3 Unless you all know each other well, spend eight totwelve weeks in Bible study before you agree to a

long-term accountability relationship. I recommend

reading and discussing the first half of the book

of Luke. At the end of this time of study together

youll have a good feel for whether or not these are

men or women you can trust to give you the wisecounsel you need.

4 Set a date when everyone who wants to enter intoa long term accountability relationship, and has

prayed about it, will communicate that theyre in.

Appoint one person be the administrative leader to

receive these calls or emails.For whateverreason,

anyone, who does not want to continue can simply

not respond. Make it easy for a person to opt out.

You dont want anyone in the group who doesnt

want to be there.

Pray for each person during this period. Occasionally

someone will really want to be part of a group, but

is scared theyre not spiritual enough or they have a

secret sin theyre afraid to reveal. Pray.


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ORGANIZING HOWYOUR GROUP WILL WORK

1 Decide how often youll meet, when, and where.Most accountability groups meet weekly for a

minimum of one hour, but 90 minutes is better.

Men usually prefer to meet in a cof fee shop,

restaurant, or office. Women generally prefer tomeet in their homes or apartments. It doesnt

matter where you meet as long as everyone feels

comfortable praying.

Choose an environment where your group will not

be distracted by friends, co-workers, or family

members coming and going. My group meets

weekly in an office conference room. My wifes

group meets in one persons home. Other groups

of women with young children meet evenings when

someone can babysit.

2 Its helpful if the administrative leader puts togethera schedule of meeting times and topics for

everyone, and emails an updated schedule every

month or two. That way everyone knows whether

or not youre going to meet over holidays, or when

you know a significant number of your group cant

meet. Our groups rule of thumb is that if half our

group cant meet, we dont. We assume everyone

will meet unless notified by phone or email inadvance, and we empower the administrative

leader to make the decision.

SETTING YOURPERSONAL GOALS

I started out this guide talking about each

accountability partner writing down specific goals

or things theywant to accomplish, then empowering

others to hold them accountable. But, what does thatlook like and how do you get started?

1 Have each person write their personal missionstatement. A personal mission statement is

essentially a short paragraph that describes

the person both God and you want to be, the

relationships you desire to have, and the things

you really want to accomplish in your life. Heres an

example:

The purpose of my life is to enjoy Jesus, be

content with who he has made me, with theresources and gifts Ive been given and be a

godly example to my wife, children, and friends.

Ive written a workbook entitled Discovering Your

Lifes Purpose, a guide for writing your personal

mission statement and organizing a life that truly

blesses God. It can be purchased or downloaded at

claredegraaf.com. It leads you through a series of

questions youll want to consider to better help you

write your personal mission statement. It shows

you how to develop mini mission statements forthe six significant areas of most peoples lives:

spiritual, spouse, children, vocation and finances,

friends and extended family, and physical and

emotional wellness.

2 You dont have to write a personal missionstatement before you begin setting goals, but its

important that each person think deeply about

the ultimate goal or purpose of their life. Lucius

Seneca, a Roman Senator once said, If a man

doesnt know what harbor hes headed for, no

harbor is the right harbor. Even non-Christians

know that the best place to begin is with the end in

mind.

Paul himself knew full well the power of a spiritual,

purpose driven life. I press on toward the goal

to win the prize for which God has called me

heavenward in Christ Jesus.(Philippians 3:14)

3 Write your goals for the next quarter or 90 days

organized along the lines of those on the following

page. (Obviously youll want to modify these if

youre not married or dont have children.) Begin

with your personal mission statement at the top.


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 7

SAM

PLE

Spiritual Growth

1 Average 15 minutes of personal Bible study and

prayer, three days a week.

2 Meet Jack for lunch and share with him what Godhas been teaching me.

3 Begin listening to a Christian radio station or a pod-

cast of a message each week.

4 Write out my personal testimony.

My Wife

1 Pray together at least once a week.

2 Spend half a day just with her, doing what she

enjoys doing.

3 Send her a personal note once a month.

4 Plan a date night with just the two of us twice

monthly.

My Children

1 Encourage my daughters involvement in Young

Life.

2 Begin a monthly allowance with work, savings, and

tithing expectations.

3 Plan to have a date this month with both of my

children.

4 Look for opportunities to share personal

experiences, including my failures. (Be transparent)

Vocational and Financial

1 Meet with my co-worker to resolve our differences

at the office.

2 Increase our personal monthly savings forinvestment purposes.

3 Pass the corporate budget duties on to accounting.

4 Be home by 6:00 p.m. every night. No work on

weekends!

Friends and Extended Family

1 Invite my father to lunch.

2 Set a date for one activity with a spiritually-oriented

family or couple (Smiths?).

3 Visit my grandmother at the retirement home.

Health and Recreation

1 Begin some form of exercise three times a week.

2 Take a off just for me.

3 Get my weight to 178 lbs.

MY QUARTERLY (90 DAY) GOALS (SAMPLE)

With Gods help I hope to complete these goals on ________________. DATE

John Smith

The purpose of my life is to enjoy Jesus, be content with who he has made me, with the

resources and gifts Ive been given and be a godly example to my wife, children and friends.


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 8

COMMENTS ON SETTINGYOUR GOALS

Recommend to each person in your group that they

take a half day off to get alone with God to write

your personal mission statement and your first

quarterly goals. This should be a spiritual exercise

where you go before God and ask the Holy Spirit toshape your thoughts, your goals, and your life. Go

to the mountains, a friends cabin or cottage, a hotel

or park, any place you can get alone with God and

yourself to think deeply about the life he wants for

you.

For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth

come knowledge and understanding.(Proverbs 2:6)

Begin by setting goals you believe you can realistically

accomplish in the next 90 days. This gives youadequate time to meet your goals and not feel

defeated if you dont meet them all. Remember, this

is a marathon, not a sprint. If you can accomplish a

dozen small things faithfully over each three months

period, you will be amazed how your life will change

after only a year or two.

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God,

who gives generously to all without finding fault,

and it will be given to him.(James 1:5)

USING YOUR GOALS INYOUR WEEKLY MEETINGS

To get started, devote one special meeting to

reviewing everyones personal mission statements.

Have each person pass out copies of their mission

statement. Give time for everyone to explain why

they wrote what they wrote, and invite comments.

Most people end up tweaking their statements over a

several month period as God brings to mind changes

in wording or priorities.

If youre married, share your personal mission

statement with your spouse. He or she should know

the person you really want to be. You may want to

agree in your group that everyone will do this.

REVIEWING EACH OTHER

At the next weekly meeting, have each person pass

out their goals for the next 90 days. Now everyone

has everyone elses mission statement and quarterly

goals. Since everyone needs time to complete their

goals, devote the next 12 weeks to Bible study and

prayer for each other. Once the 90 days are up, beginyour quarterly reviews:

Every three months devote your entire time each

week to one persons goals. On the week they

are assigned, the individual being reviewed brings

copies of their goals for the past 90 days in case

the others forget to bring the ones they passed out

three months ago.

Area by area they should be prepared to give a

report on how theyve done over the past 90 days.They share what theyve actually accomplished

as well as things they have not yet done and why.

During this report, any person in the group can

ask any question or make a comment. Sometimes

its obvious theyve set a goal, but their hearts no

longer in it, so ask questions about that.

They should also bring copies of what they want to

accomplish in the next 90 days. We have a general

rule that unless there is a compelling reason, all

unfinished goals must be carried forward to thenext 90 day period, to avoid simply dropping the

goal because its too difficult.

Remember, youve given each other permission to

ask questions about any part of your life. Some

of these sample questions are in the Appendix at

the end of this guide. Please bear in mind it took

us meeting a few years before we felt comfortable

and safe enough to ask some of the more probing

questions.

Because we have six men in our group, this process

takes six weeks to complete. After that time period,

we either study the Bible or a book or topic that

would benefit all of us. We have spent this time

studying and discussing marriage, raising spiritual

children, finances, temptation, and any and all areas

we feel we need help with.


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 9

We schedule evangelistic events or discussion

groups for non-Christians weve been praying for.

Many of the men in our group have met with sons,

son-in-laws, and even boyfriends and fiancs of the

daughters in our group, to let them know we are

available to them as a resource. We believe we have

an amazing opportunity not only to encourage eachother on to godliness, but to actually impact each

of our families.

It is impossible to do everything people

want you to do. You have just enough time

to do Gods will. If you cant get it al l done,

it means youre trying to do more than

God intended for you to do...

(...or youre spending too many hours

on lesser things [Clare] )

Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

May God bless you as you embark on this adventure

of inviting several followers of Jesus to walk this

journey with you. If your experience is anything

like mine and the hundreds of people Ive met in

accountability groups, it will be one of the greatest

blessings of your life.

Clare De Graaf

At the end of these six weeks, we begin the

quarterly reviews all over again. That means each

year every person gives a report four times.

While it s not always easy to see lasting change

immediately, over the years every person in our

group has seen tremendous growth and maturity.

Every week we open with prayer or close by prayingfor one another. We invite anyone to share specific

prayer requests, but if there arent any, we simply

pray that God would shape us into godly men.

OTHER ACCOUNTABILITYACTIVITIES

Over the years, we and other accountability groups

have done a variety of things to help us grow

spiritually and relationally, such as:

We try to go on two overnight retreats annually.

We go to mens conferences or couples

conferences together.

We do father/child activities together.

We join in activities together with our wives, such

as concerts, seminars, dinners, worship, or host a

guest presenter for our group and friends.

We plan events to reach out to others, or toencourage others to establish accountability

relationships.


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 10

At www.claredegraaf.com you will also find a number

of resources you can use to grow spiritual such as:

Discovering Your Lifes Purpose: a guide to writing

your personal mission statement and living the life

God and you always wanted.

Spiritual Mentoring: a guide for finding and being a

Christian mentor.

Boundaries: a guide for setting healthy boundaries

to safeguard your life.

Clare De Graaf4079 Park East Court SE Suite 102

Grand Rapids MI 49546

616.942.0041

[email protected]

RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

As Iron Sharpens Iron, Howard and Bill Hendricks

The Accountable Man, Tom Eisenman

The Man in the Mirror, Pat Morley (Chapter ?)

The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren

The Tyranny of the Urgent, Charles Hummel

Websites

www.smallgroups.com

Life Transformation Groups

www.cmaresources.org

Organizations

Iron Sharpens Iron for Women

www.ironsharpensironwomen.org

Iron Sharpens Iron for Men

www.ironsharpensiron.net

Men of Integrity

www.menofintegrity.org


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ACCOUNTABIL ITY 11

Singles

1 Do you feel content in your singleness?

2 What gives you joy as a single?

3 What frustrates or saddens you?

4 Are your relations with the opposite sex pure? What are

you doing to keep it that way?

Life, Character and Integrity

1 What area(s) of your life are out of balance right now

and what can you do to get them in balance?

2 If virtues are the family uniform of followers of Jesus,

are there any habits or sins which confuse your friends

or co-workers about whose team you are really on?(Your language, jokes you tell, excessive use of alcohol,

anger, gossip, bitterness, etc.)

3 Describe your relationships with your mother, father,

and siblings. If they arent good, what can you do

to change that? What have you done to address any

unresolved issues?

4 What scares you? What is i t that you fear losing besides

a child or your spouse? What currently is causing you

anxiety?

5 Are the people youre working with (fellow employees)coming to you with spiritual or personal questions? Why

or why not?

6 Do you have a spiritual mentor? Are you a mentor to

someone else? Describe those relationships.

7 Is there a relationship you have that is tempting you, or

in what circumstances are you most tempted?

8 Do you have pornography blockers on your computer?

Ministry

1 How do you presently serve your church?

2 Are you serving in other places or ministries in the

kingdom?

3 Do you know what your spiritual gifts are?

NOTE: As you begin asking each other these questions

and you find common struggles, use the study periods

between your quarterly review to work on them.

Spiritual/Relational Check-up

These are a sampling of the kinds of quest ions which

ought to be asked occasionally in a healthy, mature

accountability or mentoring relationship.

Spiritual

1 Do you regularly read the Bible and pray? Tell us what

that looks like for you.

2 Do you feel comfortable meeting with non-Christians

and discussing personal spiritual truths? When is the last

time you did that? Tell us about it.

3 Do you feel like your faith and obedience is getting

stronger, weaker, or about the same? Do you know why?

4 What are the weights in your life which keep you fromrunning free as a follower of Jesus?

5 Do you think your life makes God look good?

6 What areas of your spiritual growth probably need

attention?

Marriage and Family

1 Describe your relationship with your spouse.

2 What topics do you find most difficult to discuss with

your spouse and why?

3 Would he/she say they feel loved and cherished by you?

4 Who would he/she say is the spiritual leader in the

family?

5 Is there any area of your parenting skills you feel needs

work?

6 Which of your children do you find most dif ficult to

relate to? Why, and what could you do to change that?

7 Which of your children do you find easier to relate to?

Why?

8 If your spouse were here, what would they say theyd

like to see most changed in your life?

9 Do you have any personal habits, like your language,

anger, alcohol use, or TV viewing, that would confuse

your children about a parent who claims to be a follower

of Jesus?

APPENDIX A

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