10 ways men and women communicate differently

8/10/2019 10 Ways Men and Women Communicate Differently

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10 Ways Men and WomenCommunicate Differently

by Susan Sherwood, Ph.D.

For men and women, communication can be a very long drive, using different roads --

often to get to the same place.

It's the middle of the day during a long drive. He's sitting at the wheel, cruising along.She's sitting in the passenger seat, reading, glancing up now and then at the passingscenery. Suddenly, she turns to him and cries, "Talk to me!"

She's not stir crazy; he's not ignoring her. They're just living the classic divide incommunication between men and women. She's more discussion-oriented; he's allaction. One reason for these differences stems from the way relationships developduring childhood.

Girls' friendships focus on making connections -- talk is essential to this process.Sharing secrets, relating experiences, revealing problems and discussing options areessential during girls' development. Boys generally take another approach tofriendship. Their camaraderie is not less profound; it's just different. Buddy groupstend to be larger, focusing on activities rather than conversation.

This differentiation in youth leads to dissimilar communication styles in adulthood.Women communicate through dialogue, discussing emotions, choices and problems.Males remain action-oriented -- the goal of communication is to achieve something.

Research indicates that these are the general, even common, tendencies of men andwomen, but these divides are not absolute. There are certainly men who want to chatabout their feelings and women who quickly tire of discourse. But one way to classifymale-female interactions is to examine them through the lens of childhood: talk versusdeeds. With that in mind, here is a list of 10 ways that (most) men and womencommunicate differently and how these differences affect their interactions

10. Nonverbal Communication


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Fingers tapping. Eyes squinting. Legs crossing. Hands fluttering. Heads nodding.

Nonverbal communication involves varying levels of body expression, with womenusually functioning at high intensity. Faces are animated and hands are in motion,often touching others. Men are more conservative in facial movement and bodycontact. However, they do tend to be unreserved in sitting styles: sprawling, stretchingand spreading out. The intensity level for women drops for the sitting position -- theytend to draw in, keeping arms and legs close to their bodies.

How does nonverbal communication impact male and female communication?Women's actions focus on maintaining the relationship: providing attention andencouraging participation. The goal for men, however, depends upon the task. Wantto appear in charge? Use the body to control the discussion space. Want to preserve

calm and prevent emotional escalation? Keep the face quiet and impassive

9. Body OrientationPicture this: It's happy hour after work. On one side of the room, there's a group ofwomen, deep in conversation. Their chairs are all turned toward each other, and theycontinually make eye contact. On the other side of the room, there's a group of fourmen. They sit at angles to each other. During much of their discussion, their eyesroam around the room, glancing at each other infrequently. Each cluster is engaged inits preferred style of talk. It's great for tonight, but when group members are engagedwith the other gender these preferences may cause problems.

One specific aspect of nonverbal communication is body orientation. If a man won'tmake eye contact or face his female conversational partner, she (perceivingconversation as integral to relationships) may interpret this as a lack of interest. Hemay become annoyed that she is rejecting his efforts; to him, his relaxed body

position is actually helping him concentrate. The vast differences in physicalalignment can make it difficult for talkers to reconcile the two styles

10 Ways Men and Women

Communicate D ifferently 8. Arguments
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Women often use questions in an argument. It's how they present their opposition.Men are more likely to take the simple, direct approach.

"Why do we have to eat here?"

"It's convenient."

"Are there any quieter restaurants nearby?"

"Not close by."

"I wonder if this place has been inspected lately?"

"Let's go in."

In a nutshell, that conversation snippet summarizes each gender's argumentation style.Women often try to get their point across by asking many types of questions: defiant,informational and rhetorical. The questions are designed to present an opposition orgather data. Men's contributions to arguments are often simple and direct. They're so

straightforward, in contrast to women's questions, that men might not even realize thata conflict is occurring.

When, finally, both parties realize they are disagreeing, their communication styleshave great impact. Men are concerned with being right and less concerned aboutanyone else's feelings. This perceived lack of compassion upsets women. Men dislikequestions, interpreting them as censure, and they react by closing down emotionally.This pattern leads women to become increasingly suspicious and wary. Time to go toseparate corners [source: Booher , Whitworth ].

7. Apologizing"I'm sorry I made such a big deal about which restaurant to go to."

"Uh-huh."

"It doesn't really matter."

"Uh-uh."
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"We've both had long days; we just need a good meal."

"Uh-huh."

"Do you want to eat by yourself tonight?!"

"Huh?"

After the argument comes the apology. Maybe. You might suspect that women andmen handle apologies differently, and you'd be right. Women use apologies to try tocreate or maintain connections. Men, on the other hand, are concerned with what anapology might do: It might lower them to a subordinate position, a place wherethey've never wanted to be since boyhood.

After a male-female quarrel, gender differences can prolong negative feelings. If aman fears losing power and avoids apologizing, a woman might consider thisinsensitive behavior, becoming offended and annoyed. Thus the argument continues

[source: Tannen ].

6. Giving Compliments

Well, if the apology doesn't go well, maybe a compliment is in order. But that path isalso tricky.

Scene: A dog park. Several owners are there with their pets. One woman is there withher new golden retriever. A conversation ensues:

Airedale owner (woman): "Oh, your lab is so adorable. What a lovely coat!"

Golden owner (woman): "Thanks. Your boy is very sweet, too." (To a man standingnearby, watching his beagle.) "What do you think of my little girl here?"

Man: "Hmm looks a little on the small side. How old is she?"

Once again, gender variations are making things difficult. From a young age, femaleslearn to give compliments; it's almost reflexive. Compliments are a way of reachingout to one another, an offer of affirmation and inclusion. Men are more likely tovolunteer evaluations instead of hand out compliments. Similarly, they will not seekout compliments because they want to avoid being critiqued themselves.

Naturally, these differing approaches complicate communication. If a woman asks aquestion with the hope of being praised or flattered, a man may well see it as a way tooffer advice. This affects their relative power: The advice-giver is automaticallyshifted to a higher position, with the woman having lower status [source: Tannen ].
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5. Problem Solving

JupiterimagesA de ad car can lead to lively discussions between men and women. Their approachesto problem solving are likely to be different -- women want to examine the situation,

but men might already be out the door to the dealership.

The car died. Again. It's time to buy a new car. He suggests a slightly used car because cars depreciate quickly. She says she'd like to ask her friends how they liketheir cars. He wants to look at car reviews on-line. She's worried about the car

payment. He offers to go right then to a few dealerships. She relates a story about thefirst time she bought a car and how exciting it had been. He declares he wants to lookat hybrids.

This is not problem solving at its finest but at its most common. Men and womenapproach an analytical discussion differently. As just illustrated, men tend to focus onfacts and seek immediate resolutions; action is the conversational goal. Women desiremore extensive talk about problems, sharing feelings and finding commonexperiences.

Even if there's a mutual dilemma to resolve, such diverse communication goals canlead to frustration. Men don't understand why women don't want to solve problems,why they seem ungrateful for direct help. Women are hurt by the perceived disregardfor emotions and frustrated when they believe they are being pushed to acquiesce tooquickly [source: Torppa ].

4. Getting Your Way

"Where should we go for vacation?"
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"I want to go to the ocean."

"Really? What do you think of the mountains? Don't you think they're beautiful thistime of year?"

"Yeah, but I'd like to do some fishing and sailing."

"You like hiking, don't you? Why don't we do some mountain biking, too?"

"Yeah, whatever."

Looks like there might be separate vacations this year. Men and women have verydifferent ways of trying to get what they want, which can make it difficult to come toan agreement. Women are typically in conversation mode; they are more likely to askquestions. Their goal is to get others to acquiesce through agreement. Men ofteninterpret this approach as manipulation. They will make statements rather thansuggestions. Their objective is to get their way directly and quickly. If that doesn't

work, they'll exit the discussion; they may either be angry or simply less passionateabout the subject.

These discussions, then, often do not go smoothly. Men are resentful, believingwomen are trying to trick them. If men won't participate in back and forthnegotiations, women feel slighted. This could easily turn into an argument-somethingthat no one intended [source: Tannen ].

3. ChatterboxWho talks more, men or women? Take into consideration all interactions during theday, with family, work, friends and businesses. Would you guess women are moreloquacious? A lot of people would. And a lot of people would be wrong.

Research indicates that there is no significant difference between women and men inthe amount of words spoken, although, when they do talk, men tend to use morewords at a time. The major difference appears to be when men and women do theirtalking. Women spend more talking time with family and close friends, expressingsupport and discussing experiences. Men tend to talk more at work and in formal andsocial settings, and their goal is the exchange of information, even when conversingwith a buddy.

At home, women do talk more and become perturbed with less responsive partners.Women try to work on their relationships, while men see little need to speak unlessthere is a specific purpose -- a problem to solve, a decision to make [source: Tannen ].

2. Interrupting"Where are the bandages? I cut my-"
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"Huh?"

"I was working on the-"

"Ooh, it's bleeding a lot."

"I know, that's why-"

"Here are the bandages. Do you want-"

"I'll do it."

"I could-"

"What are we doing for dinner?"

Most people dislike being interrupted, but most people do it at one time or another.

Women interrupt to show concern, but they think men disrupt the discussion byshifting the subject. Men do try to control the conversation by disrupting it. They also

believe a woman's supportive interjections (for example, "go on") are interruptions.

Frequent interruptions, no matter the cause, no matter the target, can lead tofrustration. This can build to anger and, unless the guilty party gets things undercontrol, the discussion will come to a screeching halt. Or perhaps just screeching[source: Cowie ].

E-mail

iStockphoto Men might wish to come off as experts in some of their emails, while women tend towrite more supportive, less aggressive communications.

E-mail. So helpful, convenient and quick. E-mail. So overused, annoying andredundant. It's also pervasive. A 2009 study found 1.4 billion people worldwide use e-mail, sending 247 billion messages daily [source: Radicati ]. Due to the enormousnumber of e-mails sent, it's perhaps not surprising that the tone of most messages isconversational, with little attempt to revise that pattern. Mistakes occur in spokenlanguage, and they also turn up in e-mail.
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Most of the e-mail women send revolves around relationships: being supportive,making suggestions, apologizing, asking questions and offering thanks.

Men's e-mail messages are very different. Not only do men more often portraythemselves as subject experts, but they have a more contentious interaction style,employing sarcasm, profanity and insults. Men may be looking for information fromothers through e-mail, but they are also seeking influence and respect.

Communication, whether non-verbal, verbal or typed into a computer, is open tointerpretation. That is especially true when men and women are evaluating each other.Awareness of variability in communication styles can be the difference between aneffective, fulfilling conversation and a distressing upsetting, prolonged argument[source: Rosetti ].

NurtureHow much nature versus nurture affects human intelligence is a long-studied andlong-debated topic. The term "nature" refers to how genetics and heritability influenceour intelligence, and "nurture" describes how certain environmental factors affect ourintelligence. These factors include everything from our family's parenting style andhome environment to how we're educated and the experiences we have throughoutour lives.
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10 ways men and women communicate differently

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