10 types of abuse

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MODULE 2

THE 10 MAIN TYPES OF EMOTIONAL

ABUSE

There are different types of emotional abuse and your partner will

probably use several of them. He may even switch from one

tactic to another if he feels he isnt getting the desired reaction

from you.


DOMINATION AND CONTROL

A dominating partner will try to control you at every turn. He has

to get his own way and may even resort to threats to get it.

He may want to control who you see, who you socialize with, how

you dress, how you spend money.

Examples of domineering behavior:

Ordering you around

Monitoring how you spend your time

Restricting your access to money or other resources

Controlling who you socialize with

Stopping you from getting a job, continuing with your job or

even getting necessary medical care

Extreme jealousy and possessiveness

Throwing objects

Breaking things in a fit of rage

Threatening you or your children

Forcing you to do something illegal

EFFECTS OF BEING SUBJECT TO DOMINATION AND

CONTROL

You lose self-respect

You feel like someone else is in charge of your life

You may find yourself becoming angry and resentful


VERBAL BATTERING

Verbal battering can take many forms but the effects are all

insidious:

Berating

Blaming

Criticism

Name calling

Sarcasm

Threats

Belittling and humiliation

THE EFFECTS OF VERBAL BATTERING

Living in fear and/or living on edge. Many women describe

this as walking on eggshells. They are in a state of

constant anxiety about what to expect.

Destroys self-esteem.

Breaks your spirit and makes you feel defeated.


ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS

Do you feel that no matter how much time and attention you give

your partner or how much you do for him, its never enough?

Then youre probably the victim of his abusive expectations.

Abusive expectations can take many forms:

Insisting that tasks be completed in a specific manner.

Insisting that the house be totally spotless when he comes

home not just clean and tidy but a ridiculous level of

perfection

A constant need for your undivided attention

Demands for frequent sex

Expectations regarding your looks or behavior

One prominent doctor in the community in which I used to live

insists on checking his wifes weight every morning. If shes

gained more than 3lbs over what he considers an ideal weight, he

puts her on a diet until shes lost that weight.

EFFECTS OF ABUSIVE EXPECTATIONS ON THE VICTIM

Loss of self-esteem

Feelings of worthlessness and

Feeling powerless.

Confused and at a loss about what to do to please your

partner.

In the beginning you may be motivated to try harder but

after failing to please him for years and years, youll

probably lose hope and blame yourself for not being good

enough.


UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIOR

This type of emotional abuse is one of the most damaging

because you never know what to expect.

Dramatic mood swings

Emotional outbursts for no apparent reason

Saying one thing one day and the opposite the next

Reacting differently to the same behavior at different times

are all examples of unpredictable responses.

This kind of behavior is common with men who abuse drugs or

alcohol and also for those who have borderline personality

disorder or bipolar disorder.

EFFECTS OF UNPREDICTABLE BEHAVIOR

Living with an unpredictable person is emotionally draining.

You feel on the edge and anxious all the time, never

knowing what to expect.

You feel frightened and off balance

Youre in a constant state of hyper-vigilance waiting for your

partners next outburst, never quite sure of what to expect.


EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

This is a powerful form of manipulation where the blackmailer

coerces you into doing what he wants by playing on your fear,

guilt or compassion.

Common forms of emotional blackmail are:

1. Threatening to end the relationship if you dont give in to his

demands

2. Ignoring you until you give in to him

3. Threatening you into submission

4. He asks you to choose between something thats important

to you and him for example your family and him

5. He makes you feel selfish or bad if you do something he

doesnt want you to do

6. He withholds money or access to money unless you give in

to him

EFFECTS OF LIVING WITH EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Feeling weak and powerless

Feeling as if you have no choices in your life

Guilty

Insignificant


CONSTANT CRITICISM

No matter what you do its never right or good enough. Your

husband may disguise his criticism as humor and accuse you of

being too sensitive. But being constantly belittled and demeaned

is no laughing matter.

EFFECTS OF CONSTANT CRITICISM

Constant criticism erodes your self-confidence and destroys your

self-esteem. It undermines any good feelings you have about

yourself and your accomplishments and achievements.

You may eventually become so beaten down and despondent that

you give up.


CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

Character assassination takes criticism to a whole new level. Here

your abuser may:

1. Blow your mistakes out of proportion

2. Spread malicious lies about you

3. Keep reminding you about your past mistakes and failures

4. Humiliates or makes fun of you in front of others

5. Minimizes your achievements

EFFECTS OF CHARACTER ASSASSINATION

All the side effects of criticism but magnified because you are

being attacked as a person.


GASLIGHTING

According to Google Gaslighting is defined as to manipulate

(someone) by psychological means into doubting their own

sanity.

This is when your husband tries to make you doubt your own

perceptions, your memory and even your sanity.

He may, for example, deny that a certain event occurred when

you know that it did. Or he may deny that he said something but

you heard him clearly.

EFFECTS OF GASLISGHTING

You start to doubt your memory and your perceptions and you

may eventually feel as if you are going out of your mind.


CHAOS CREATORS

This type of emotionally abusive husband likes to create constant

drama and chaos. He will start a fight (with you or others) and

always seem to be on the verge of some impending crisis.

EFFECTS OF LIVING WITH A CHAOS CREATOR

Its emotionally exhausting and draining to live with a chaos

creator. Life is one series of crisis and dramas.

Whats Difference Between Emotional Abuse And A Bad

Argument?

Now before we go any further I want to clarify a few key points.

We have all occasionally criticized others or been criticized by

others. And maybe in the heat or an argument you called

someone a less than flattering name. Or perhaps they did the

same to you.

If you occasionally displayed these behaviors, does that

automatically mean that youre an abusive person? Or if your

husband occasionally complains that the house is dirty or

suggests that you lose weight does that mean that he is

emotionally abusive?

Not necessarily.

Beverly Engel in her book The Emotionally Abused Woman

explains this more clearly.

When a relationship is not going well, there is usually a great

deal of bickering, and either or both parties may resort to name

calling, criticizing and other behaviors that they would normally

not be involved in. But there is a vast difference between name


calling or criticizing in the heat of an argument and doing so on a

daily basis.

Similarly, constant complaining is not necessarily abusive, unless

it is destructive and the intent is to make another person feel

bad.

For example, a husband who complains that the house isnt clean

isnt necessarily being abusive. But if he constantly tells his wife

that she is bad, lazy, selfish and so on because she doesnt clean

the house, then he is being abusive.

There are 3 characteristics that set normal behavior apart from

verbal abuse:

1. Verbal abuse is constant, whereas calling someone a name

in an argument is something that happens only occasionally.

2. The intent is different. When someone verbally abuses you,

their intent is to dominate, control and devalue you. Its not

to simple express a complaint or to provide constructive

criticism.

3. This person has a disrespectful attitude toward you in

general, rather than simply not liking some specific

behavior.

10 types of abuse

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