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STRATEGIES FOR DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Developed by: Norm Riggs, MA. Reviewed by: Joel Rosenthal, Ph.D.,

and Sarah Renner, M.A. Clinical Psychologist, Stanford University

& Diana McCann, M.A., Business and

Organization Consultant & Therapist

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ANECDOTER

(Note: Anecdoters often make a positive contribution if their stories are relevant and interesting. However, they can become a problem if they interject too many stories or their stories are too long or irrelevant.)

BEHAVIOR:• Loves to tell stories, usually about personal

experiences.• Stories often relevant to business at hand and throw

conversation off track, eating away at valuable time.• Stories tend to flatter storyteller.• Seeks humorous response or personal recognition.

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ANECTDOTER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Acknowledge their contribution and move to refocus discussion.

• If behavior becomes disruptive, point out time constraints and suggest that anectdoter share stories after meeting.

• If behavior still a problem, take person aside and point out need to stick to agenda. Request help in keeping discussion on track.

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AVOIDER

BEHAVIOR:

• Hates controversy or conflict or doesn’t want to commit to ideas or responsibility.

• When faced with conflict, will change the subject, divert attention elsewhere, or plead for harmony.

• Seeks approval and tends to agree with ideas prematurely.

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AVOIDER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Reassure group by pointing out that disagreement - when exercised respectfully - is healthy and important to good decision making.

• Ask open-minded questions to bring out discussion.

• Maintain focus - don’t let avoiders stifle or sidetrack the discussion.

• Clarify individual assignments and responsibilities to entire group. Set deadlines. Check on progress.

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BLOCKER

BEHAVIOR:

• Negative. Cynical. “It won’t work.”

• Belittles others’ ideas and rarely offer alternatives.

• Indifferent to others’ feelings.

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BLOCKER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:• Confront their negativism without openly opposing them or

quibbling over small points. (For example, “You’re right, what we’ve tried in the past hasn’t worked, but…”).

• Remain calm and maintain eye contact--blockers have little respect for wimps.

• Be assertive and positive-don’t given in to their negativism.

• Restate or summarize their point of view, but then firmly state your own position.

• Use “I” statements to set your opinion apart from theirs.

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COMPETITOR

BEHAVIOR:

• No matter what the idea, suggestion, or solution, the competitor can always come up with something better.

• Tends to feel superior to other members of the group.

• Possesses a strong need to “win.”

• Resents those who contradict or question them.

• Tends to recite facts for their case.

• Enjoys pointing out others’ mistakes.

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COMPETITOR

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:• Be polite and non-combative as possible - competitors are

often looking for a fight.• Acknowledge their advice or opinion and then move

discussion forward.• De-escalate the competition by refusing to engage and

pointing out that, while it is useful to discuss the pros and cons of an idea or suggestion, this is not a debate about who’s right or wrong.

• Make sure to double-check your facts.

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DOMINATOR

BEHAVIOR:

• Monopolizes discussion

• Interrupts others

• Exerts power

• Controlling

• Finds fault with others & their ideas

• Rambles

• May lack focus

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DOMINATOR

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:• Do your homework - know your facts.

• Establish ground rules to promote a democratic discussion process.

• Respond with facts without being confrontational.

• Tactfully break in, thank the dominator for his/her contribution, and ask to “hear from others.”

• Ask close-ended questions that require “yes” & “no” responses.

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DOMINATOR

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES (continued):• Periodically stop and summarize what has been said.

• Look for an opportunity to break in. (All of us have to pause to catch our breath.)

• Promote wise use of time by scheduling meetings before lunch or at end of workday.

• Apply peer pressure toward democratic participation.

• Request that participants speak round-robin.

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GOSSIPERS

BEHAVIOR:• Derives power from rumors.

• Rumors usually negative, not substantiated by facts, and harmful to others.

• Often has a hidden agenda--rumors promote self-interest.

• Uses rumors to distract from focus of meeting.

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GOSSIPERS

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Ignore rumor -- quickly move back to focus.

• Don’t react -- change the subject.

• Be up front with gossiper that it is uncomfortable and inappropriate to engage in such discussion.

• Press gossiper for source and factual basis of rumor.

• Confront the gossiper -- if rumor is damaging to others, point this out.

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JOKER

(Note: Humor is sometimes welcome. In moderation, jokers can add spice to a discussion and may relieve tension, but a little of this behavior goes a long way.)

BEHAVIOR:

• Craves attention.

• Wants credit for entertaining.

• Distracts and annoys group, especially the leader.

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JOKER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Initially, ignore behavior.

• If behavior continues, pause and make eye contact with joker. This will sometimes exert group peer pressure on joker to refrain.

• Set behavior limits -- ask joker to please help group stay on task.

• Direct a question at or a request for input from joker.

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NITPICKER

BEHAVIOR:

• Unpleasant perfectionist.

• Worries and quibbles over little things.

• May be argumentative and critical of others.

• Distracts group from “big picture.”

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NITPICKER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Acknowledges nitpicker’s point but don’t let group get sidetracked from main focus.

• If nitpicking becomes excessive, request that person visit with leader after meeting to discuss fine points.

• Nitpickers tend to be serious types; incorporate some humor or fun into meeting.

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RECOGNITION SEEKER

BEHAVIOR:

• Seeks credit for achievements.

• Anxious to please.

• Tends to be committed, active, and responsible member of group.

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RECOGNITION SEEKER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Usually satisfied when acknowledged and complimented for their contributions.

• If behavior becomes distracting, give them an assignment to make use of their energy.

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SABOTEUR

BEHAVIOR:• Devious. Conniving. Often has a vendetta against

others.• Plots and works behind the scene. May enlist others.• Concerned primarily with self-interest.• Betrays confidence.• May withhold information.• Like gossipers, saboteurs create and spread unpleasant

facts of allegations.

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SABOTEUR

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Handle with care! Such people are dangerous--can destroy lives and careers.

• There is seldom a middle ground with saboteurs--confront them, either privately or in meeting. In extreme cases, dismiss from group.

• Create and keep allies among group members. Peer pressure may help neutralize saboteurs.

• Keep accurate records as proof in case it’s “your word against theirs.”

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SELF-CONFESSOR/SYMPATHY SEEKER

BEHAVIOR:

• Shifts conversation toward personal needs, problems, or misfortunes.

• Diverts focus by dumping personal, unwanted information on group.

• Seeks feedback and sympathy from group.

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SELF-CONFESSOR/SYMPATHY SEEKER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:• If concerns have some merit, briefly and gently acknowledge

this person’s situation but quickly return to topic at hand.

• Explain that time constraints do not allow for group discussion of unresolved personal concerns.

• If behavior resumes, ignore and stay focused.

• Take person aside and privately discuss concerns. Sometimes such people are insecure and may need a little understanding or reinforcement.

• If person is extremely distressed, privately suggest seeking professional assistance to help talk through problems.

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SPECIAL INTEREST PLEADER

BEHAVIOR:

• Promotes personal interest over that of group.

• Often has a hidden agenda.

• Diverts attention and discussion toward personal interest.

• Dominant and persistent; may bully others to gain personal goals.

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SPECIAL INTEREST PLEADER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Keep discussion focused and productive (“What you’re saying is interesting, now let’s hear from some others.”)

• Avoid confronting them with facts -- they will usually try to refute facts in order to plead their cause.

• Look for opportunity to dovetail the needs of the special interest pleader with the focus and needs of the group.

• Rely on peer pressure to pursue interest of the group as a whole.

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WITHDRAWER

(Note: Withdrawers may fall into two categories: (1) Individuals who are shy and may lack confidence. (2) People who refuse to become engaged because they have an “attitude.”)

BEHAVIOR:

• Does not become engaged in discussion.

• Often sends out “negative vibes.”

• May be genuinely disinterested in topic at hand.

• May disagree with majority opinion.

• Withdrawing behavior may result from lack of confidence.

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WITHDRAWER

NEUTRALIZING STRATEGIES:

• Ask his or her opinion.

• Establish eye contact.

• Ask open-ended questions (“what,” “how,” “why,” “could,” or “would”) that encourage discussion.

• Offer encouragement to their ideas and remind them that their ideas are important to the group.

• Like avoiders, clarify their responsibilities, set deadlines, and check on their progress.

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GROUP DYNAMICS - Summary

Dynamics - group members’ interaction

Personality types - the “colors” exercise illustrated differences in people, and the value of these differences in groups.

Communication in groups - the need for listening, asking questions, and feedback. It must be two-way.

Group member roles - people play different roles; it’s the negative roles that are a barrier to group effectiveness.

Strategies for dealing with difficult people - we may encounter “difficult” people in groups. Utilize strategies discussed to deal with these situations.

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Meetings Guidelines:(A.K.A. “Ground Rules”)

• Everyone participates• No one dominates• Listen carefully• Be constructive• Share new ideas• Respect other opinions• One conversation at a time

Note: This is only one list; you can make your own list of guidelines to make your meetings more effective.