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Elaine WilsonElaine WilsonParenting SpecialistParenting Specialist

January 2003January 2003

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HELPFUL HINTS FROM RESEARCH

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Co-Parenting Co-Parenting

Lifestyle ChangeLifestyle ChangeBusinesslike RelationshipBusinesslike RelationshipLong-term CommitmentLong-term Commitment

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Parallel ParentingParallel Parenting

• Letters

• Email

• Supervised time sharing

• Strict court orders

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Co-Parenting TypesCo-Parenting Types

• Perfect Pals• Cooperative Colleagues• Angry Associates• Fiery Foes• Dissolved Duos

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Developmentally AppropriateDevelopmentally Appropriate

• Age and Ability

• Interests

• Family Background and Culture

• Emotional, Physical, Mental, and Social Needs

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Your child’s development Your child’s development determines appropriate:determines appropriate:

• Time share arrangements

• Explanations of lifestyle

• Parenting activities

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Teach your children.

• Be a Role model.

• Use services like your public library.

Stress ManagementStress Management

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AGENDAAGENDA

6:30 pm Registration 6:35 pm Introduction 6:45 pm Positive Aspects of Divorce 7:00 pm Managing Stress/Videos 7:20 pm Break 7:30 pm Development and Divorce 8:00 pm Co-Parenting Plans 8:30 pm Referrals & Attendance

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You will learn:You will learn:

How to talk about your family lifestyle Stress management Wise parenting plans Co-Parenting styles

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Positive Features of Positive Features of Co-Parenting FamiliesCo-Parenting Families

• Fastest growing family type

• Strong parent-child relationships

• Brothers and sisters are close.

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Children LearnChildren Learn

home management skills to be cautious about relationships self reliance realistic expectations of adults

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Think long term!Think long term!

• Children in co-parenting families recover in two years.

• 50% of co-parenting fathers abandon their children in 10 years.

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• Maintain routines• Talk about feelings • Delegate or out source• Release tension for health

Managing StressManaging Stress

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GriefGrief

• Denial• Anger• Bargaining• Depression• Acceptance

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Stages of DivorceStages of Divorce

1. Disillusionment2. Erosion 3. Detachment4. Physical Separation5. Mourning6. Second Adolescence7. Resolution

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Types of DivorceTypes of Divorce

• Emotional• Legal• Financial• Co-Parent• Community• Psychological

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Children can feel all of the Children can feel all of the emotions that adults feel.emotions that adults feel.

Abandonment Disappointment

Anger Fear

Anxiety Guilt

Denial Rejection

Depression Shock

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Explaining divorce to childrenExplaining divorce to children

Goal 1 - Still parents

Goal 2 - Mutual decision

Goal 3 - Same routines

Goal 4 - Listen

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Key ConceptsKey Concepts

Adult relationships change.

Parents love children forever.

Divorce is an adult decision.

We can talk about this.

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Childhood AdjustmentsChildhood Adjustments

Changing concepts

Blame self and others

Guilt and shame

Fantasy of reconciliation

Accept lifestyle.

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Children’s NeedsChildren’s Needs

Meaningful daily contact

Dependable, predictable routine and schedule

Verbal and physical comfort and reassurance

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Safety and security

Clear limits

Stable parents

Few changes

Children’s NeedsChildren’s Needs

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Infant and Toddler NeedsInfant and Toddler Needs

Rapid development and little memory (no more than 2 or 3 days without seeing either parent.)

To trust parent to return soon.

Undivided attention.

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Simple, brief, repeated explanations.

Consistent routines, toys, foods, and environments.

Infant and Toddler NeedsInfant and Toddler Needs

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PreschoolerPreschooler

Tell 1-2 weeks before a change.

Parent models calm acceptance.

Introduce necessary changes gradually.

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Provide much opportunity for play.

Avoid unnecessary separation.

Assure child of your return.

PreschoolerPreschooler

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PreschoolerPreschooler

Read aloud age appropriate books on family.

Listen

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School-ageSchool-age

Tell, together, as soon as possible.Provide a strong sense of cooperation.Do projects and activities together.

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Stable parent involvement in school, church, sports, and social activities.

Reassurance that parents will continue as parents.

School-ageSchool-age

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Be clear that divorce is permanent.Encourage play and exercise.

School-ageSchool-age

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TeenageTeenage

Tell, together, as soon as possible.Allow child time to handle feelings.Avoid power struggles.

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Be available.Be clear that divorce is permanent.Encourage physical exercise.

TeenageTeenage

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Maintain parent role.Maintain adult privacy.

TeenageTeenage

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Time Share ArrangementsTime Share Arrangements

Infant child care 1-4 hrs 3 x’s per wk routinehome familiarpark place

Toddler child care 1 day 2 x per wk favorite park no overnight objects

home routine

Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs

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Pre- outside overnight 1 x per wk favoriteschool child’s 1 day objects home 1 week pattern

School- outside weekend 1 x per wk belongings inage child’s to 6 wks each home

home parent involvedpredictable pattern

Time Share ArrangementsTime Share ArrangementsAge Location Length Min. Freq. Needs

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Teenager outside few min. 1 contact peerschild’s 1 yr or per negotiablehome more week activitiesinside employmentdorm

Age Location Length Min. Freq. Needs

Time Share ArrangementsTime Share Arrangements

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Infants and ToddlersInfants and Toddlers

• within home, child care, or park

• 1-4 hours

• 3 times each week

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ToddlerToddler

• no overnights• regular routine• take favorite objects along

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PreschoolerPreschooler

• home, child care, park, trip

• take favorite objects along

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• overnight to one week

• at least one time each week

• predictable pattern

PreschoolerPreschooler

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School-ageSchool-age

• home, camp, trip, after school • one time each week• overnight to six weeks

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• own belongings in each home• predictable pattern• parent involvement in activities

School-ageSchool-age

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TeenagerTeenager

• outside child’s home or in dorm room or apartment

• peer relations, activities, employment, independence, mobility

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• few minutes to one year or longer • at least weekly contact • negotiable routine

TeenagerTeenager

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Developmentally Developmentally AppropriateAppropriate ArrangementsArrangements

• More time and frequency is generally better than less.

• Children adjust better when parents are not fighting.

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• Greater distance requires greater effort.

• Stay in same town.

Developmentally Appropriate Developmentally Appropriate ArrangementsArrangements

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• Telephone calls, letter, fax, gifts, and email supplement time together.

• Child’s needs take precedence over adults needs.

Developmentally Appropriate Developmentally Appropriate ArrangementsArrangements

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OKLAHOMA OKLAHOMA COOPERATIVE COOPERATIVE

EXTENSION EXTENSION SERVICESERVICE