THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PLANK (Worlds greatest little Mag)(Keeping the Flame Burning)

President Tony Ellis,Ohio,USA ……Secretary MISS HL YVONNE (UK)

July 2019 edition..This mag is FREE. However, we'd like you to know that we receive even small donations with quite some enthusiasm. Cheques can be made payable to "The House Of Plank" and

sent to 1 Swireford Rd, Helsby, Frodsham,Cheshire WA6 9BA or PayPal donations can be made to :- info@bluegrassseeds.co.uk

A limbo champion walked into a bar... He was disqualified. If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then

delete it. It's Spam. I've often wondered, where did house spiders live in prehistoric times. This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please." A lady

standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

I think I might be gender fluid because today I felt like a woman. I couldn't get the lid off a jar of jam.

I dumped my girlfriend because she was a bit of a snob. I took her out for dinner and all she could do was complain about the stains down my string vest.

My grandfather went to the Doctor with fluid on the knee. The Doctor told him that he wasn't aiming straight.

A reminder from Dianne Abbott that the clocks go sideways on March 31st. There is such a thing as life after death. It's called divorce.

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him...but they kind of taste like peppermint

My doctor asked me, “What’s the problem?” I replied, "When I urinate, it smells of anything that I've eaten or drunk. For instance, if I eat Sugar Puffs it smells of Sugar Puffs or if I drink a chicken Cup-a-Soup, it smells of a chicken Cup-a-Soup. What can I do to make my urine smell like urine, doctor?" ...........Doc says .. "Have you tried drinking Foster's?"

My children always wait for the little green man when crossing the road outside school. The council have just employed a leprechaun as a lollypop man.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. And also gets you removed from the gym.

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it. The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

I was in the building site stores when Paddy came in and said, "have you got any quick drying cement" I said, "over there fill your boots". Half an hour later paddy came back in and said, "do have any boots, mine are full of cement now?"

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

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TYPES YOU MEET IN THE GENTSExcitable - Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.Indifferent - All urinals being used, pisses in sink.Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.Patient - Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.Tough -- Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry.Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

A ventriloquist working down South, is confronted by a theatre patron during his show.The hick stands up and yells, "HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!" "Relax," said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!" "Shut up, buddy," the hick replied, "I'm talking to that little chap sitting on your knee!"

New scientific evidence has come to light that one pint of beer takes nine minutes

Bluegrass/Country/Folk/Acoustic MUSIC Night @ Owley Wood Club, Barrymore Road (Off Wallerscote Road), Weaverham, Nr Northwich. CW8 3LS. 8:30 Start. Prompt !! We have a room for use and there is no charge for attending. Every SECOND Wed in the Month. July 10th. All abilities welcome. . Contact is :- Email dave.man@talktalk.net

5 String Banjo tuition (3 finger Bluegrass & Frailing) /Guitar /Mandolin/Fiddle/Ukulele/Keyboard… Beginners welcome. First lesson is free !! . Contact Bryn Williams :- Bluegrass Seeds c/o Unit 5, Castle Park Arts Centre ,Frodsham WA6 6SE .. (free parking) .. Tel 01928-735817 . email :- info@bluegrassseeds.co.uk

off your life. According to my calculations, I died sometime in September 1845 Genetically modified food is flying off the shelves This begging in the 21st century is getting ridiculous. A kid came up to me today

with an electric cigarette and asked, "Got a spare battery mate." What is the difference between en elephant and a plum? An elephant is grey. What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance? "Look! A

herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colour-blind)

One evening , after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley motorcycle in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it.I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment..."And what’s the use of that vintage hot rod sports car? Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong? He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" … Bob replied, “I wasn't..."

PLEASE NOTE!! EVERY THURSDAY @ Helsby Community Sports Club . Situated on the ex-BICC site on Chester Rd,  opposite the Shell Garage -  just past Tesco on the way to the M56 . Bluegrass Jam Night with Banjo Kevin & Friends … Its Free !! Bring your instrument .. Beginners welcome . Join in the fun!! ..Starts at 8:30

A golf Poem In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, And Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Two Aussies were out hunting in the outback and came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size and depth. The first said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is"? The second said, “There's an old gear box over there. Let’s throw it in and see how long it takes to hit bottom”. Despite it being very heavy, they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. As they were standing there at the edge of the hole, a goat come crashing through the under-brush, ran up to the hole and without hesitation, jumped in head first. They were so mystified by this that they stood staring at each other in amazement and peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about. Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say, you fellers , you didn't happen to see my goat" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole"! The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to an old gear box".

I had such a bad gambling problem I actually lost my teeth in a card game. I got caught cheating.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I'm great at multi-tasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care, and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?" He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"

To make Easter easier - replace the t with an i.

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts? He got 16 months.

Dianne Abbott. Demonstrating what happens when you drink on an empty head.

I was out on the golf course this morning and managed to hit a ball in a straight line. I wasn’t playing; I just trod on a bunker rake.

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset and sought out the farmer.“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?” “I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”

I see the W.T.B.P.S.S (World Tuberculosis, Bronchitis, and Phlegm, Sufferers Society) are having their annual holiday again. Same place every year. At the World Snooker Championship.

I always wanted to be a footballer when I was in school, but I was rubbish at drama.

Boris the buffoon could be our next leader. There you go, a real political joke.

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you display that sign?" "Because", the owner replied, "before I put up sign, people kept tripping over him."

ROBINSONBALLS NUMBER 89 (AFTER THE WEAKEST LINK)Q. The merchant, the knight and the wife of Bath are among the storytellers in which work by Chaucer?A. Shakespeare.

Q. To what season did Keats refer to when he wrote of ‘the season of mellow Fruitfulness’?A. Oliver TwistQ. Published in 1933, ‘Down and Out in Paris and London’ is the first full-length book by which English author?A. Agatha Christie.Q. Which author wrote the novel ‘Dracula’ in 1897?A. Well I know Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein so maybe it was her husband, Tom Shelley.Q. Which playwright wrote ‘The Madness of King George’?A. William Shakespeare.Q. The name of which Shakespearean character is commonly used to denote an amorous young man?A. Macbeth.Q. Name a planet or constellation containing the letter ‘A’.A. Orion’s Belt.Q. Which TV station launched in 1997, became the fifth terrestrial channel in the UK?A. Channel 4.Q. What is the first letter of the word ‘dictionary’?A. AQ. Real Madrid play their home football in which Spanish City?A. BarcelonaQ. in ‘Life on Mars’, David Bowie wonders if there was life on which planet?A. Hmm; ‘Life on Mars’ – was it Jupiter?Q. Which planet in our solar system shares its name with a chocolate bar?A. Milky WayQ. No, that’s wrong, it’s Mars.A. Milky Way is a chocolate bar!Q. Yes, but it’s not a planet, it’s a galaxy.A. That’s a chocolate bar as well!Q. Which Italian composed the score for eight of Sergio Leone’s films?A. VivaldiQ. Which country won the most diving medals at the European Championship in Glasgow? A. ChinaQ. What was the name of the British naval hero who was made a viscount after the battle of Copenhagen?A. NapoleonQ. Known by the nickname ‘Dubya’, George Bush used which initial to distinguish himself from his father?A. JQ. Which month of the year was named after the Roman Emperor Augustus?A. July.