10 Keys to a

Healthy Family

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You are cruising down the highway in your minivan and the front right tire blows out. You immediately feel the car pulling right and you hear the unmistakable clunkety-clunk of a damaged tire. So you stop the car and deal with the problem. You might even call in outside help. Sometimes the signs of a problem in a family are not quite as obvious – but the need to stop and deal with the problem is incomparably more important. To leave tension in a relationship or gloss over an act of disobedience; to

ignore a teenager’s rant or shush a toddler’s cry – all of these are like driving on down the highway, causing more damage to your car – and nobody is enjoying the ride.

A healthy, loving family can be like a brand new car – complete with the new car smell - when all of the systems are working together smoothly, each in good working order and playing their own roles. God has

designed the family, as the central institution of society, to operate best under certain very specific conditions. Deviating from these published plans would be like putting diesel fuel into your unleaded fuel engine.

Think of a family as a wheel. At the center of a well balanced wheel is a round, balanced hub. If that central hub is dented or oblong even a little bit, it will dramatically affect the overall ride of the tire. And the wheel is only as strong as each one of its spokes – if any one is bent or broken the whole wheel will feel the effects.

The parents are the hub of a healthy family. Their individual relationships with God and their character, combined and magnified in their marriage relationship with each other, will have the greatest and most lasting impact on their children. Even small lapses in judgment or apparently minor character flaws will be observed and very probably emulated by their children. I think of myself as a relatively godly person – a decent example of a man who loves God and others. But I have a recurring issue with pride that surfaces in blame-shifting when I make a mistake or in defensiveness when I feel criticized. Not surprisingly, an increasingly common occurrence with our boys has been blame-shifting and a difficulty taking responsibility for their actions. Now, I wonder where that could have come from? (I actually said in a small group one time, “Because of my Dad, I’m a blame-shifter.”)

This is why a troubled marriage, or worse a divorce, can cause a lifetime of insecurity and anxiety for a child. With every day, every turn of the wheel, the children feel the jostle of a family out of balance. Of course, God can redeem even the most difficult circumstances – meeting the needs of a widowed husband or a divorced wife, providing healing and wholeness to a family in pain. But in general a family will be healthier, happier and more likely to raise God-loving kids if the parents have their individual and marital acts together.

The eight spokes of the wheel are each critical elements of family life. If one or more of the spokes is missing or weak the impact will ripple through the whole family and have lasting ramifications in the lives of the children. For example, a family might be very consistent with fun, relational activities and

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trips – but if they do not balance that with strong parental authority, discipline and communication the kids are likely to develop insecurities and behavior patterns that will haunt them for years to come. Or, a family might be very active in community service and evangelism but have almost no connections with other believers. The kids may grow up to be vibrant public servants who don’t know how to share their struggles with a brother or sister in Christ.

As the diagram shows, each spoke can be evaluated separately but must be considered in balance with its counter-spoke. How is our family lifted up through worship and devotion; and how are we being humbled and moving down through sacrifice and service? How well are we connected in Christian community; and to what extent are we actively reaching out to lost people? These four spokes balance the four primary purposes of the church (and therefore of every believer): worship, service, fellowship and evangelism. The other four spokes balance other family tensions. How good are we at having fun and playing together while also exercising our God-given authority through discipline and communication? How are we modeling and teaching wisdom and responsible stewardship in tandem with faith-based decision-making and submission to God’s will?

To round out the metaphor, the tire itself represents our actual family interactions every day – where the rubber meets the proverbial road. How engaged are parents with each other and with the kids? How do siblings treat each other? What routines and patterns make up a typical day and a typical week in our home? All of these, over time, define the experiences our kids will one day reflect on as their “childhood,” while reclining on a counselor’s couch. What was important in our family? What was not tolerated, ever? How did Mom and Dad show love to each other? What were the ground rules of communication? What was expected of each family member? How were decisions made? How does God fit into our family (or how does our family fit into God’s unfolding plan)?

Whether we recognize it or not, our daily interactions with our children are really our discipleship plan. Every parent is constantly teaching his or her kids about God, truth, values and life. The only question is what are we teaching? Are we modeling and communicating a secular, materialistic worldview even as we drag the kids to church and pray before meals? Or are we showing our kids – through both formal times of instruction and the spontaneous moments that come up – how to love God and live for Him? This is the rim of the wheel: our strategic family plan. It may be unstated and based entirely on reactions to what happens – but that plan is guiding each rotation of the family wheel. Our prayer is that these 10 simple keys to a healthy family will serve as a model to help you see your current values and strategies and to make some adjustments to the balances and priorities of your family life. As you go through each key, just look for one or two things you could do to strengthen that area. Seeing the whole picture you will likely be led to focus on just one or two areas that need special attention right now.

May each day find your family rolling a little more smoothly toward becoming the healthy, balanced, intentional family God longs for you to become. May you start and end this little booklet with an energizing encounter with the Author and Perfecter of your faith who has promised to carry his work in you and your family on to completion until the day Christ Jesus returns!

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Here is an overview of the 10 Keys to a Healthy Family, including a book recommendation (or two) for further study.

The Hub:1. Godly parents - The Power of a Praying Parent – O’martian / The Calvary Road - Hession2. Healthy marriage - Love and Respect – Eggerichs / Sheet Music – Leman

The Spokes:3. Worship, passion, devotion - Leading Your Child to Jesus – Staal / A Celebration of Discipline –

Foster / Sacred Pathways - Thomas4. Service, ministry, sacrifice – S.H.A.P.E. Finding and fulfilling your unique purpose for life – Rees /

The Church of Irresistible Influence – Lewis5. Community, friendship, love – Connecting – Crabb / The Purpose Driven Life – Warren6. Evangelism, outreach, the gospel - Share Jesus without Fear – Fay7. Fun, celebration, recreation - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families - Covey8. Authority, discipline, communication - Shepherding a Child’s Heart – Tripp / Dare to Discipline –

Dobson / Parenting with Love and Logic –Cline and Fay 9. Wisdom, responsibility, stewardship – Proverbs – Solomon / Family Financial Workbook –

Burkett10. Faith, decision-making, submission - Me, Myself and Bob – Vischer / If you want to walk on

water, you’ve got to get out of the boat – Ortberg

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3. Worship, passion, devotion

5. Community, friendship, love6. Evangelism, outreach, the gospel

4. Service, ministry, sacrifice

9. Wisdom, responsibility, stewardship

10. Faith, decision-making, submission

8. Authority, discipline, communication

7. Fun, celebration, recreation

Reaching Up

Reaching Out

Reaching Down

Reaching In

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10 Keys to a Healthy Family:1. Godly parents 2. Healthy marriage 3. Worship, passion, devotion (up) 4. Service, ministry, sacrifice (down)5. Community, friendship, love (in)6. Evangelism, outreach, the gospel (out)7. Fun, celebration, recreation8. Authority, discipline, communication 9. Wisdom, responsibility, stewardship 10. Faith, decision-making, submission

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1. Godly parents

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart… These commandments I give you today are to be upon your hearts.” Deuteronomy 6:5-6

At the center of a strong, healthy family you will find a godly mom and dad - folks who love God and are growing more and more like Him every day. When our kids graduate and head out on their own isn’t it our primary prayer that they become godly – that they have formed a real relationship with their Father in heaven that influences every other area of their lives? Parents can drone on and on about doctrine, we can lecture for hours about manners, but after eighteen or so years in our presence – the lesson plan they will not be able to miss will be our lives. Will church be positive and important to them, or a dutiful chore? Will they make decisions through prayer and fervent study of God’s Word or on impulse? Will their marriages be marked by sacrificial love and unconditional respect – or with self-centered bickering?

Believe it or not, in this one instance Michael Jackson was right: “I’m starting with the man in the mirror.” The first key and really the cornerstone of a healthy family is godliness. When we think about the various issues and concerns in our family we often run straight to some new solution for discipline or communication. And so we are constantly treating the symptoms of a family with multiple illnesses and never dealing with the underlying problem: our kids are becoming like us, their parents. Do you want your kids to read their Bibles and develop a vibrant prayer life? Then they need to see you in your Bible and to hear how you talk to the Father. Do you long for your children to become humble servants

who always consider the needs of others? Then bring them with you on your next visit to your elderly neighbor’s house to rake leaves or unclog the toilet.

Even one godly parent, intimately connected with Jesus, can provide a strong, balanced hub around which God can build a healthy family. It won’t be easy, even with two believing parents working together. But what could possibly be more important than providing our children with examples they can follow – patterns of Christ-likeness they can model their little lives after? As your family rolls along through life, the kids will laugh more, feel safer and know what is expected of them if mom and dad can find consistent ways to grow closer to God themselves.

What have you found that most nurtures your walk with the Lord? What helps you (and your spouse) to be consistent in reading God’s Word and prayer? How do you already see your children becoming like each of you?

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2. Healthy marriage

“Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

If both parents are walking closely with God, drawing on His limitless reserves to meet their needs, they will naturally have an overflow of grace and love to pour out on one another. And the mutual love, respect, thoughtfulness and generosity in their marriage will automatically spill over onto the children, and beyond to friends and neighbors. But if mom and dad have grown distant from their Savior, their personal reserves will dry up and they will begin to rely more and more on one another, the kids, work, hobbies or addictions to meet their ever-increasing needs. Their selfishness will ignite a cycle of tension and conflict that will gather momentum and radiate frustration and anger throughout the home. If left unchecked by the grace of God and the healing of the cross (which can only come through confession and repentance) this “crazy cycle” will escalate and erupt – leaving permanent scars in the hearts and minds of the tender, innocent witnesses.

Once the pain reaches these searing levels, separation can appear on the horizon like an oasis in the desert – a haven of peaceful relief. But this dreamy illusion cannot long gloss over the fear, confusion and anxiety a strained or broken marriage causes in the still forming hearts of children (to say nothing of the devastation it wreaks in the couple). Kids and teenagers who are building their belief system and overall understanding of the world – what is important, how to manage life – are suddenly dropped into a whirlpool of conflicting messages. Be faithful, persevere, sacrifice, love. But I can’t do that with your mother – not anymore. Be respectful, gracious, kind. But I won’t do it anymore with your father. Left without comprehensible models to follow, even very young children quickly conclude they must figure life out on their own. The habits and coping mechanisms they stumble upon will likely define their approach to life for decades.

Every married couple faces challenges every day. Someone said that marriage exfoliates our souls because it reveals our self-centered tendencies and relentlessly scrubs at them. So we can embrace this opportunity to see the truth in ourselves, depend on God for strength and become more other-centered – or we can give in to the dark side of our souls, justify our demands and fuel the cycle of criticism and contempt. Either choice will have a long term impact on our families and establish patterns likely to be repeated for generations. Will you go to the well today to draw on God’s abundance of love and power? Will you gently lead your spouse and your children to the only well that can truly satisfy the longings of our souls?

What are some things that keep you from going to the Well (i.e. being fully satisfied by God alone)? How have you learned to overcome them?

What happens when we look to our spouse to meet our needs? How have you experienced the benefits of having God meet your needs?

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Service

Worship

3. Worship, passion, devotion (up)

“Worship the Lord your God and serve him only.” Luke 4:8, Deut. 6:13

If godly parents in a loving marriage are the hub of a healthy family, passionate devotion to God is the fuel that sets the wheel in motion. John Piper has said that our purpose is not just to obey God but that humans were created to enjoy Him – and this is the very thing we will do for all of eternity! Teaching our kids to know, love and enjoy God is the privilege and responsibility of every parent. A strong, Bible-teaching Church can do many things to support parents in raising kids who love Jesus. But the bottom line is that what happens at home is far more important than what happens at church.

For more musical families this could mean regular times of family worship – gathering around a piano or guitar (or just a song book) and singing praises to God. Or it could look like a devotional time after breakfast and family prayers at bedtime. As kids grow up and begin

reading on their own there should be more individual time with God – reading His Word and talking with Him. No matter how old the children are, they will learn how to talk to and relate to God by watching you, their mom and dad.

We had three teenage brothers in our youth group in Chicago who were not very serious about their faith and were toying with the party scene at their school. But then their dad felt called by God to give himself fully to the Lord and to leading his family. So they began daily Bible reading together as a family (including some memorization of Proverbs with his three sons). Within just a few months these three young men became passionate about knowing and following God. Over the following years, as they grew in faith and served in ministry God called one to seminary studies (he is now preaching the gospel every day in the business world) and the others to ministry through international business.

Now, did the church (and the youth pastor) play a part in training those teenage guys? I certainly hope so, and the guys have told me as much. But all three of those boys mark the day on the calendar when their father got serious about following Jesus. That sparked a revolution in their family and fueled a cycle of pursuing God in worship, devotion, evangelism and ministry that continues to this day.

How does your family enjoy God together? What fuels your individual and family devotion to God?

What practical tools have you found for growing in your relationship with God? What has had the greatest impact on your children and their walk with God?

Worship is about giving everything we are to God. The Hebrew word for worship in the Old Testament can be translated in Greek in the New Testament as either “worship” or “service” (see Romans 12:1).

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The prophets were always confronting the people of Israel for going off to “worship and serve” other gods. So our relationship with God should fill us and move us to serve Him in specific, practical ways.

4. Service, ministry, sacrifice (down)

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” Luke 9:23

A real relationship with God should lift us up as we experience His love and grace, but it should also break us down as we see more clearly who we are in the presence of our holy God. True devotion naturally turns into humble service. But we find in our family that it is easier and more pleasant to focus on the uplifting side of Christianity – and we tend to shield our kids from sacrifices or even seeing the hard things in the world. Here we run into another tricky balancing act as parents – letting our kids be kids while at the same time teaching them what is truly important and how to live out the way of the cross to which Jesus has called us.

An awareness of God’s work in other parts of the world can go a long way to not only broadening a child’s worldview but to providing perspective and inspiration to live simply and trust God completely no matter what. Some friends of ours in ministry in Chicago took their four children (11, 9, 7 and 5) with them to Africa this summer and you could hear in their Christmas letter how dramatically that experience affected every one of them. (Each one was specifically thankful for running water and toilets.) Many friends here in Charlotte have adopted internationally or are in the process of doing so. This wonderful ministry not only blesses the adoptive family but sends ripples of blessing through the church and community.

There are limitless ways to instill in our children an attitude of service. One phrase that comes up over and over in our house is “thinking of others.” Our human tendency is to think only about what we want – so we must constantly be asking God to open our eyes to the needs of others, and to give us strength to help them. We have made it a tradition to go to Joni and Friends Family Retreat every summer – a weeklong camp for families affected by disability. Last summer we had just come from a full tilt Family Camp in Michigan (www.gulllake.org) where we were served hand and foot by 75 passionate Christ-following college students. When we arrived at the Joni and Friends Retreat we told our boys, “This is our week to serve and really think of others.” They were fine with that until they had to wait, hour after hour, for other kids to ride the giant zipline and rope swing. Then one of them tearfully asked, “Why can’t we just be campers again?” Training ourselves and our children to live the way of the cross will not take us down an easy road. But as we worship and walk with our loving Savior, he will inevitably lead us to places where we will have opportunities to sacrifice and serve others.

What have you tried as ways to show your kids the importance of serving others? What ministries are you involved in?

How do you help your children internalize the way of the cross? Do you have any specific things you have them do to serve each other or the family?

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1.2.In-reach

Outreach5. Community, friendship, love (in)

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:35

Ask a parent what they worry about most as their kids grow up and they are likely to say, “the friends she will choose.” We all know the impact, both good and bad, that our peers had on us as we ventured through adolescence. After the obligatory, “did you have fun? What did you learn?” our next post-church question is usually “who did you play with? Did you make any new friends?” We see our kids light up when a friend invites them over. And we see them deflate when they feel isolated and alone.

We see it plainly with our children – so how do we so easily miss it with ourselves? One of the most critical keys to growing in faith and godliness is being connected with other believers. Not just surface, “How are you?” connections – but real, penetrating, know-and-be-known vulnerability. After a career in counseling, Larry Crabb (a good friend of Jim Kallam’s by the way) did a major re-evaluation of his ministry and the church and came to a remarkable conclusion. He stated (in his book Connecting) that if Christians would really share their struggles with one another in Biblical community, counseling

would be almost entirely unnecessary. The reason people end up in desperate counseling scenarios is that we are so good at hiding our problems from each other until they reach the boiling point. If you can catch cancer early, it is often curable. Allow it to fester untreated for month after month and even the most radical treatments will only delay the inevitable. The same is true with our personal lives.

An honest, supportive friend is probably your most important non-family resource. Everyone needs someone who will listen without judgment, always believe the best and help them through the worst. Crabb’s definition of connecting is to see past the junk on the surface of someone’s life to have a vision for who they are becoming. Imagine how a friend like that could change your attitude toward your spouse, your fears about your job, your anger toward God… When I get a call requesting pastoral counseling, my immediate response now is to help connect the caller with a brother or sister in Christ who can enter their pain and gently lead them to the Savior. Sometimes they accept Christ and then grow in Christian community. Other times they experience the acceptance of a loving church family and then come to faith in Jesus – they belong before they believe (a very postmodern tendency).

On a related note, it is essential that children grow up with complete confidence that their family is this kind of an unconditionally accepting community. Kids and teenagers often bottle up their fears and failures because they are uncertain or just plain terrified about how mom and dad would react if only they knew. Maintaining a platform for open and honest, “you can tell us anything,” communication begins when kids start talking and must be nurtured long after they fly from the nest. Our kids should hear from us and see in us the assumption that we will all fail, we will all mess up, we will hurt each other. But they should immediately feel the safety net of the assurance: “I forgave you already.”

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How are you helping your family to form authentic connections with like-minded believers? How important is it to you to have one or two people with whom you can share anything? How

do you assure your kids that they can share anything with you? How do you show love to other believers? What specific, practical things do you do to “wash

someone’s feet”?

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6. Evangelism, outreach, the gospel (out)

“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations.” Matthew 28:19

Atheist comedian Penn (of Penn and Teller) recently stated: “I don't respect people who don't proselytize. If you believe that there's a heaven and hell, and people could be going to hell, and you think, 'Well, it's not really worth

telling them this because it would make it socially awkward'... How much do you have to hate somebody not to proselytize?” What do we inadvertently but consistently communicate to our children when we celebrate the eternal life God has given us and talk about the tragic destination of non-believers – but make little or no effort to share the gospel with anyone? It’s like watching a documentary on starving orphans in Africa and then saying, “OK kids, who wants to order pizza!?!”

Kids are experts at detecting hypocrisy. They see through our hollow words to the reality of what we believe as revealed by our actions (or lack thereof). Penn’s words are all the more striking today because they run counter to the “live and let live” mindset that permeates our culture. Preachers and evangelists for any religion are constantly ridiculed and lambasted for their narrow minded, judgmental attitudes. Plus, we’re are still just insecure teenagers (inside) who care more what people (might) think of us than we do about their eternal destiny.

If we want our children to really understand the gospel we must proclaim it, and teach them to proclaim it. The good news of Jesus’ death and resurrection is not a doctrine to file away or to whisper behind ornate church doors. It is the life-changing message that has been sounding forth from prophets and apostles since the beginning of time.

I am convinced from years of personal experience that if I ask God for an opportunity to share my faith He will not only bring me one, but will give me the exact words – to the letter – to say. The question is not whether He will come through on what He has promised (Luke 12:12) – the question is whether I will follow the Spirit’s prompting and start the conversation.

I have found the most natural approach to evangelism is to follow my relational networks and my interests. As I meet people I will begin to explore their spiritual history early in the relationship, usually asking, “Did you grow up going to church?” or “What is your church background?” Since I have always played sports, I use soccer, basketball or softball as ways to get to know unchurched guys and to move those relationships to the next level.

Who are you praying for now as a family – that they would come to know Jesus? How do you engage your kids in this prayer ministry?

How could you reach out to take that relationship to the next level and look for an opportunity to share the good news?

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1.2.

FunDiscipline7. Fun, celebration, recreation

“Make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil.” Ephesians 5:17

Every family needs to have fun. It seems too obvious to be worth stating, but there it is. Shared experiences make memories that accumulate and over time define a family. Kids may not remember a word that was said during your week at the beach – but they will never forget the giant sand castle you built or the feeling of the waves carrying them to shore.

The most precious gift we can give our children is our time. As men we often delude ourselves into thinking that if we work just a little harder and earn just a little more then we can give our family “the good life.” The reality is that the really good life is right there in front of us whether we make six figures or are unemployed. The things that matter most in life don’t cost a

cent: coaching soccer, singing loud in the car, wrestling, dancing, playing board games, watching the sun set, having a conversation… Most of life is simply putting first things first – laying aside the less important (though terribly urgent to someone) to protect your family time.

Many families fall to one side or the other on this continuum between fun and discipline. Permissive parents surrender their God-given authority in the name of love and enjoyment. Authoritarian parents sacrifice joy and positive relationships in the name of maintaining order and control. Sometimes one parent is permissive and the other is authoritarian, striking a wild and confusing balance in the home where kids regularly experience the good-cop / bad-cop routine. Balance is found when moms and dads learn to have fun and enjoy their kids in the context of their authority and responsibility as parents. Kids feel safer and have lots more fun when they know the rules of the game and who is in charge.

Christian counselor Roger Edwards teaches that kids are always asking two questions: will you be involved with me? And Can I get my own way? Our calling as parents is to consistently say “Yes” and “No.” Yes! I delight to be involved with you – I am thrilled to hug and wrestle with you, I am amazed by your Lego creation or your doll’s latest fashion choices, I would love to look through your social studies project! When we put off these simple requests we quietly confirm our kids’ worst fears – that they aren’t worth our time, we don’t really want to be involved with them. But when we focus our full attention on whatever their latest fascination is, entering their world with them, they light up with the joy and value placed on them by the heroes of their hearts.

But we must also say “No” you cannot get your own way. You are not in charge – mom and dad are. This is the balance between fun and discipline.

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Which direction do each of you lean – toward fun (permissive) or toward discipline (authoritarian)? How have you, as a couple, learned to find a healthy balance?

What does your family enjoy doing together? What are the things that most communicate to each of your children that you delight to be involved with them?

What typically draws you away from involvement with your kids or your family? How can you start to put first things first on your calendar this month?

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1.2.

FunDiscipline

8. Authority, discipline, communication

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Ephesians 6:1

Kids may not see it at first, but they actually have more fun when they know that someone trustworthy is in charge. Studies have shown that kids have more fun and enjoy the full extent of a playground when there is a fence around it – because they know where the boundaries are. Without a fence, kids will gather in clumps near the middle of the play area, uncertain about how far they can safely go. The same is true in our homes – if children are raised with clear, consistent rules and consequences they will thrive socially, emotionally and spiritually. Kids who know

what is expected of them and what will happen if they cross the line have a sense of security and stability – an understanding of their world and how they fit into it. Without firm boundaries, kids are left to experiment – make guesses and try to process the varying responses (or non-responses) they get.

One of the first words we taught our kids (it sounds silly but it’s true) was “consequence.” Our firstborn was still two when he broke a rule and came up to us sniffling, “What is my consequence?” At that time we lived on a busy street and so set up a “stop line” – if the boys crossed that crack in the pavement on their tricycles they were done riding – that was their consequence. The older ones each tested the line once or twice. After finding the consequence unpleasant they never crossed the line again and their little brother didn’t even cross it once. This approach of using natural consequences eliminated most of the need for us to use spanking – reserving that as a last resort for serious violations like lying or direct defiance. It also forces us to be more creative and engaged in discipline – not reverting to punishments (like time out or grounding) that have little or no connection to the behavior. These ideas come from an older book called Parenting with Love and Logic – that we have found very helpful and practical with our kids.

But we must be very careful not to stop our parenting at the level of behavior. This is an easy trap to fall into because our kids’ behavior is what everyone sees – their manners, their surface reactions, their smiling faces. But lurking beneath the surface is the real monster to be tamed – the heart. Shepherding a Child’s Heart insightfully directs parents to probe beneath the presenting issue (i.e. brothers punching each other) to the real issues of the heart (angry at his rights being violated, he selfishly seeks revenge). Behavioral consequences teach kids how to manage the real world we live in – and that is good and healthy for them. But rewards and punishments do not change the heart, they often just seduce and twist it. To get to the heart of a child takes time and energy – the very things we tend to run short on as parents. But if we do focus on heart issues, the rewards will multiply in the fruit of a gradually, but truly changed child.

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Shepherding the heart is as simple as helping kids think through why they sin. “What made you grab that toy from your sister?” “I wanted it for myself, and she took it from me first.” (It would be very easy to stop here and merely police the situation with a quick consequence.) “Honey, come sit with me and let’s talk about this. Why do you think you wanted that toy so badly?...” We must let the world come to a stop, pull our child aside and help them see that they have sinful desires in their hearts that result in sinful choices sometimes. They can’t make themselves perfect so they never make bad choices anymore. Only Jesus can take away their sins and help them follow the good longings of their heart.

This is why it’s essential for kids to learn to admit their sins to each other and receive forgiveness from each other. A muttered, “I’m sorry,” becomes “Please forgive me for being selfish and for choosing to hurt you.” Giving and receiving forgiveness on this level helps them understand what it means that God forgives them too and let’s them start over fresh every time.

Any form of discipline must be carried out in the context of a safe, loving relationship. Even as we address the heart and remind our kids that they cannot get their own way, we must continue to send the message, loud and clear, that they are our treasures and we love to be involved with them!

How consistent have each of you been in establishing that you are in charge – not the kids? What consequences have you found most effective in disciplining your children?

Can you identify some moments when your discipline has gone beyond the behavior to address the real matters of the heart? How did that go? What could you have done better?

What are the top one or two behavior patterns you see emerging in each of your children that concern you? What do you think are the heart issues causing them? Let this guide your prayers for your kids this week.

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1.2.

WisdomFaith

9. Wisdom, responsibility, stewardship –

“Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you.” Proverbs 4:6

Just as family life must balance fun with discipline, so we must balance wisdom and faith. On the one hand, God has given us rational minds and the ability to weigh pros and cons and make a careful decision. He has equipped us with the ability to communicate, and He has given experienced counselors to shed light on the path.

On the other hand, God calls us to follow Him in ways that sometimes don’t make any sense. The challenge, then, is discerning how God is leading us each moment, each day. An old Baptist hymn asks the question, “If you knew what God desired of you – would you say ‘Yes’?” Sometimes we know in our hearts where God is leading us but hide behind a materialistic worldview and are commended for being “wise.” Biblically, however, wisdom is based on the fear of God (Proverbs 1:7) and often runs directly counter to the wisdom of the world (1 Cor. 1:20). As Jim Elliot, the martyred missionary, once said, “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” So in many ways, faith and wisdom do not run counter to each other, but complement and reinforce one another.

The Bible often pairs wisdom and understanding – absolute trust in God is often the very thing that opens our eyes to see our situation clearly. It is only when we hold our possessions – even our very lives – with this perspective that we can really function as responsible stewards. Because the reality is that nothing we have belongs to us. The very air we breathe and the lungs that receive it are a gift from our gracious Creator.

So this is the starting point for managing our time, talent and treasure as a family: the recognition that everything belongs to God. We are simply in charge of using what He has entrusted to us to accomplish His work. As parents we can use routines like doing chores and receiving an allowance to teach our kids about stewardship. The money we give them is not something they earn or deserve – it is our gift, and we are entrusting it to them to make wise choices, to use it in ways that honor God and are in line with our family values. Chores are not something they do to earn a payment, they are part of their responsibilities as contributing members of the family.

We need to give our kids opportunities to make choices. The older they get, the more they should be entrusted with bigger decisions. If they make simple choices when they’re still young (will I wear a sweater or a coat?) they will learn, from their successes and mistakes, to make wiser choices as they grow up. If mom and dad make all of their decisions, how can they learn to become functional adults?

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Yes, we should be regularly teaching them how to hear from God and live out His values, but we also need to let them go sometimes – release them to figure things out on their own – and circle back afterwards to process the results.

The authors of Parenting with Love and Logic call this the “V of love.” Infants make no decisions for themselves, so when children are young the parents must make all of their choices – this is the point of the “V.” As kids grow up we should give them more freedom and more choices so they can learn the rewards and consequences of wise and foolish decisions. Many parents invert the “V” – giving their small children great freedom and hundreds of choices. Then, blinded by the illusion that they are in charge, these kids become teenagers who make alarmingly worse and worse decisions. In panic, parents then invert the “V” and remove all freedom to choose, saying things like, “You’re grounded for the rest of your life.” If we coach our kids while they’re young in making wise choices that honor God we will be able to launch them off to college with confidence that they are becoming responsible stewards of all God has given them.

Read through the first nine chapters of Proverbs with your kids (read selectively and paraphrase if they are young). Discuss how both Wisdom and Foolishness call out to us and we must choose every day which way we will go (see especially ch. 9).

What kinds of choices do you give your kids now, based on their age and level of responsibility? Have you typically followed the “V of love” or do you see yourselves inverting the “V”? How is your approach affecting your kids?

How have you taught your kids about responsibility and stewardship? What have been the most effective tools and experiences for coaching them in this area?

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1.2.

Wisdom

Faith

Faith

Wisdom

10. Faith, decision-making, submission

“Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” Psalm 119

God has given us rational minds, the wisdom of experience and the counsel of others – but ultimately He calls us to trust and obey Him even when it doesn’t make sense. Abraham’s choice to leave home and go who-knows-where did not come from a decision-making chart – it was a response to God’s clearly revealed will. That’s why Abraham is listed as the classic example of faith (Heb. 11:8). He trusted God even when everything in science and history said that God’s promise was impossible. Even his wife laughed him out of the tent.

To raise wise, responsible young adults, we need to show them not only how to make the most sensible decisions possible – but also how to hear God’s voice and courageously obey Him. As part of our pre-marital counseling, Kristin and I were taught a four part decision-making model that balances scripture, prayer, godly counsel and your own desires and circumstances. As we have made decisions we have tried to explain them to our children using these terms so they can begin to learn that moving into a new home, buying a new computer, considering a different school – are all decisions that God is very

interested in, and that He will give enough light on the path for the next step.

Again, this shows that wisdom and faith are really two sides of the same coin. Wisdom begins with the fear of the LORD, leads to understanding and a righteous lifestyle that results in God’s blessing. (Foolishness begins with prideful self-reliance, leads to confusion and a wicked lifestyle that results in dreadful consequences.) Similarly, faith begins with

absolute trust in God, leads to an insight into His values and a fruit-of-the-Spirit lifestyle that results in the blessing of an intimate walk with God. It is this kind of faith that moves Paul to say, “We live by faith, not by sight” (2 Cor. 5:7) and “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain” (Php. 1:21). All out faith in Christ turns the wisdom of the world right on its head.

Phil Vischer, the founder of Veggie Tales, went through a life-shaking season when, through a series of unfortunate circumstances, he was forced to sell his company, Big Idea Productions. He felt like God was taking from him the very dream He had lid Phil to follow. Vischer’s reflection on this in Me, Myself and Bob shows the profound lesson that he learned in the months following this devastating loss. Basically he had to let go of his “Big Idea” to change the world for Jesus and to float freely in the current of God’s love and plan for him – like a jellyfish. I, for one, relate to the desire to be the CEO of my Big Idea – running the meetings, making the strategic plans, pursuing the dream. But God often calls us to let go – even of our very best motivations – and just be a jellyfish. These free-form creatures have no ability to

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locomote – they float in the current of the ocean. What a picture of the life of faith! And what a contrast to my constant tendency to flap my tentacles in the vain effort to move myself…

This is really a vivid picture of Biblical rest: the Sabbath. Taking a weekly, day-long, break from work is a humble recognition that this life is not all about me and my productive capacity. It is, in fact, about God’s work – who never sleeps or slumbers, but is moving and orchestrating his eternal, world-wide plans often in spite of me. God invites us to rest in the warm, gentle current of His love, His grace, His goodness and His plans. When we stop flailing around and give up our illusions of control, we might even begin to enjoy the ride.

What is the clearest example in your family history of a blind step of faith? How do you keep that memory alive and celebrate how God came through for you? How do stories like that encourage you to continue to trust God completely?

What are some things that make it hard for you to trust God in your family right now? What is an area that the Holy Spirit is nudging you to let go of and move out in faith, like a jellyfish?

How do you try to give your kids “eyes of faith” that see beyond the visible world to the bigger picture of what God is doing? How do you teach them what it means to walk by faith?

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On the Road Again

I hope this little booklet has served as a sort of “40 point inspection” for your family life. I hope you have seen areas of great strength, triggering memories and sparking moments of laughter and celebration. But I also imagine that you have seen a couple of warning lights, drawing your attention to one or two areas that need some attention now. I put off acting on my mechanic’s recommendations and had my central exhaust pipe drop out from under me and (three weeks later) my front right tire wear through and go flat. Thankfully, those were fairly simple repairs, but the drama could have been avoided had I heeded the early warning signs.

Whether your family feels like an old, beat up jalopy or a fine tuned luxury coupe – I pray that you will attend to the central matters of your own godliness and your marriage. Everything in your life and family revolves around those keys. If you are walking with the LORD, you will feel a balance and direction and supernatural strength to do all that He is calling you to do. If your marriage is marked by sacrificial love and unconditional respect then security and peace will radiate through your home. If you can balance the major purposes of the Christian life – reaching up in worship, down in service, in for fellowship and

out for evangelism – you will see a dramatic impact in your own family and in those around you. If you can set up firm boundaries of discipline and authority it will release your home to be a place of fun, joy and intentional relationship. And if you can follow the way of wisdom, walking every day by faith in our glorious King and faithful Redeemer, blessed showers of refreshing will rain down no you and your family.

May the God who formed you in the womb, who shaped you and your mate for one another, who hand-selected each one of our children and placed your family exactly where you are now – may the God of Hope fill you and your home with a deep and abiding peace, love, joy and power in Christ our Savior.

“Now to him who is able to establish you by my gospel and the proclamation of Jesus Christ… to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.” Romans 16:25,27

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