Week 5 - Shame

“I am ready to face my shame, I am ready to heal my shame, I am ready to integrate my shame.

I am ready to let go of feelings of wrongness, unworthiness, and step into unconditional love for myself.

I am ready to have healthy shame let me know when I am not operating with alignment to the standards I have chosen for myself, not those I have unconsciously absorbed

from my environment.”

Cultivating Self Love & Acceptance:

We must fundamentally understand that who we are at this moment, is our whole complete self, we are not broken, we are not in need of fixing. We will grow and change for the better, it doesn’t mean we neglect giving the current version of ourselves love.

Living by your values:

If you haven’t already, go back to week 4 (divine order) document and follow the link to discover your values.

Look at where you spend your time and energy in an average week, and check in to see how much of your time aligns with your highest values. We feel low in self worth when we aren’t being true to ourselves.

If you are ‘out of alignment’ ask yourself questions to open opportunities and possibilities to bring yourself closer to a life you want to live.

If you don’t have the power to change something, write down all the ways it serves your highest values (try 10-20 per value) so now you extend your love and gratitude toward the perceived block or obstacle you once didn’t love.

Mindfulness:

As we cultivate an ability to observe our thoughts & internal stories, but not react to them, they lose their ‘charge’, their ‘potency’ and don’t begin to rule us like they once did.Over time, you can begin to gently shift your internal dialogue to gentler, more compassionate language, as though you are caring for a child, or a loved one. Don’t force this, begin to change it at a rate that feels comfortable.

It may be as simple as moving from ‘I’m shit’ to ‘I feel like shit’ to ‘sometimes I feel like shit’, to ‘I notice when I’m thinking negatively I feel like shit’. ETC. As your awareness grows your dialogue will shift.

PS. You guys will notice when I (Joel) speaks, my language is extremely empowering, but still realistic and not fluffy positivity bullshit.

Mindfulness also gives us an opportunity to observe the thought patterns that are damaging us and make note of them so we can check in whether these thoughts, beliefs and standards serve us.

Self Forgiveness:

What haven’t you forgiven yourself for?

List out all of the major experiences you judge yourself for:

For each experience starting with the smaller ones, I want you to meditate on the experience and really feel into and contemplate what drove your behaviours at the time, understanding you couldn’t have done any better and that is who you were at that moment.

“You have forgiven others for less, so why can’t you forgive yourself?”

Visualise sending love and acceptance to that part of yourself.

Even if you have ‘hurt’ others, I want you to think about how times people have hurt you have been some of the biggest growth experiences in life that shape us as people and can ultimately lead to good, even if we don’t see it at the time.

Shadow Work:

Anytime you JUDGE anyone, particularly themes that you notice arise commonly, or the ones with

the most emotional charge, go through this process.I note down in my phone whenever I notice a trigger or judgement, and then go through this process that night, or at the end of my week.

It allows us to accept and bring love and gratitude to the parts of ourselves we have denied, disowned, then we judge in others.

1. Who triggered you or who did you judge?2. What did they do?3. HOW did that make you feel? OR - what did you judge within them?

Eg. You may have felt upset - OR - you have been like ‘this person is stupid’4. WHEN have you done the same?5. What was the situation? Who did I act this way towards?6. Can I love this action in me? Knowing you are a human capable of displaying all traits.7. Can you love this action in them? Knowing they are also an imperfect human capable of

displaying all traits.

Examining the Standards and Stories that Create Shame:

“We accept the love we THINK we deserve”

In this quote, the key word is ‘think’, our thoughts determine how much love we give ourselves, and our thoughts are driven by our standards and beliefs we compare ourselves to.

We need to identify these ‘shame narratives’, and then question them, to see whether they are true, or serve us.

Identification of Narratives:

These narratives come in several forms. These statements are incomplete generalisations that prevent us from examining why we feel this way, how we began to feel this way, and if it’s even true.

‘I am statements’. EG: I am unworthy of love, I am not good enough, I am stupid. etc.

I am not x enough to be loved: Eg: I am not fit enough, I am not wealthy enough, I am not happy enough. etc.

I am ashamed of how x I am. Eg: I am ashamed of how emotional I am, I am ashamed of how weak I am, I ashamed of how closed off I am. Etc.

I should be ___er: I should be fitter, I should be happier, smarter, richer, have fucked more girls, be better at sex, etc etc.

Societal Standards: Journal down any standards from society you may compare yourself to as well. Eg. I’m not wealthy enough, I’m not far enough ahead for someone my age, I should be

Deconstructing these Narratives:

Once you have your list, I want you to go through this process for each statement, take your time, healing shame doesn’t happen overnight, I suggest starting on some of the easier narratives before moving into ones that may be more painful.

1. What are the facts to support this claim?2. Is this something that’s been told to you, or that you’ve been telling yourself, or both?3. What facts support the opposite to this narrative?4. Who would you be if you let go of this narrative? How would that feel? What would that look

like?5. Is there even one positive reason for you to hold onto believing this? Remember, holding

onto pain also hurts your loved ones.6. How can we re-write this statement in a more believable, realistic form?

EXAMPLE:

Story/Narrative: “I am not in good shape so I’m unlovable”

1. What are the facts to support the claim?I look in the mirror and I feel like shit

2. Is this something that’s been told to you, or that you’ve been telling yourself, or both?Generally it’s me saying it to myself.

3. What evidence backs this up? (Pro tip: it’s usually that someone hurt us, left us, abandoned us.)Society shames people on their weight, and I fell into that trap.

4. Who would you be WITHOUT this narrative? How would you feel?I could love myself as I am which would make it so much easier to be happy and lose weight too. I would feel free to be myself and not beat myself up.

5. Is there even one positive reason for you to hold onto believing this? Remember, holding onto pain also hurts your loved ones.No, I thought it would motivate me to lose fat but heaps of people lose fat without beating themselves up.

6. How can I turn this story into something more realistic? (Open up the assumption into some more truth!) I judge myself when I see my body, I know this doesn’t make me unloveable, I would prefer to be fitter but I am willing to accept myself on the journey to becoming fitter.