Community Service - Volume II, 1984

A Ministry Of Listeningby Sister Elizabeth

A brother asked a certain old man, saying, "There be two brothers, and one of them isquiet in his cell, and prolongs his fast for six days, and lays much burden on himself; butthe other tends the sick. Whose work is the more acceptable to God?" And the old mananswered, "If that brother who carries his fast for six days were to hang himself up bythe nostrils' he could not equal the other, who does service to the sick." (From thesayings of The Desert Fathers)

The ability to listen is the core of interpersonal relationships. It is not so much the wordswe speak or the deeds we do that help the elderly, hospitalized, or shut-in, but it is ourpresence and our "being there". It is a great gift to be able to be attentive and receptive, and tolisten with personal concern. Many times we are merely spectators and listen lazily due toinattentiveness. We judge others according to our own value system. While we are "listening"we classify people as types. Sometimes our "listening" is actually our "waiting" for our turn tospeak.

As visitors from our parish to a hospital or the home of a shut-in, we become witnessesof the parish community's caring support. How can we learn to be better listeners whileperforming such a ministry?

Care and Concern

To be a good listener one must first of all be caring and concerned. One must also havea respect for the dignity of persons, as well as their diversity. Cautious honesty must beexercised, and this is not easy. It is very difficult to interact while withholding judgement andpatiently developing trust so that the person will be able to express emotion. One must listenas one who has known grief, anger, pain, depression, and other feelings and moods that theperson reveals.

Cue Into the Other

Become aware of the person's frame of mind and emotional condition. Rather thansetting the tone of the encounter, cue into the other and base what you say on their needs. Sitwhenever possible so as not to assume a superior or condescending position. Repeat phrases ifnecessary to insure communication, and to reassure the person that you are listening to whathe or she is saying. Allow anger or tears if that feeling is present, because this relieves pressure.

Build Rapport

One of the prerequisites of a fruitful ministry is that the person to whom the ministry isbeing directed, must trust, to some extent, the person who is offering his or her concern. Thistrust may be very cautious and fragile at first, but will deepen as the encounters go on. Theperson being visited must be accepted as he or she is and confidentiality must be respected.Gauge your visit by the condition and receptivity of the person, and not by a time schedule,while at the same time cooperating with the regulations of the hospital or nursing home. If aperson is not communicative, response can often be elicited by mentioning things in theimmediate environment, such as flowers, pictures, the view from the window, or even thefood. The world of the elderly, sick, or shut-in is often small.

Dealing with Negatives

If negative feelings are directed toward you, don't take them personally. Some negativereactions are symptoms of disease or frustration or anger. Listen also to what is not being said.This will give an indication of what is perhaps being avoided, but that suggestion should neverbe brought up unless the person is able and willing to deal with it. Agree with a negativecomment if it is an accurate one, but also suggest a positive alternative if there is one. Be acompanion and don't expect to be a miracle worker. Compassion means "suffering with".

Pray

God must always be present in this ministry. Although He may not be mentioned byname, the love being shown is an indication of His presence. Pray with and for the person.Reinforce your concern by a simple touch of the hand. A reserved sense of humor and a smilewill tell the other person, not necessarily that things will work out the way he or she would likethem to, but simply that whatever happens, there is someone else who cares and shows thiscare. Leaving behind an icon, a prayer, or a scripture tract (best in large print) will provide theperson with a tangible memory of your visit, and hopefully a promise of your next one.

What we say and what we do when visiting those who are confined in hospitals, nursinghomes, or their own homes, are both very important. But even more important, as we havesaid, is simply "being there". This is the real gift, the gift of being present and listening, andbecause you are a member of your parish, a community of the Faith, this gift becomes asacramental encounter.

Check List

1. Care and Concern:Be prepared mentally and emotionally and spiritually before undertaking this importantendeavor. Pray that God guides you when to speak and when and how to listen.

2. Cue into the Other:Be aware of the other person's needs. Listen carefully and adjust as you go.

3. Build Rapport:Be patient. Respect the other. Develop trust gradually and never try to impose on theother.

4. Dealing with Negatives:Be prepared for negative expression. The elderly and sick may be frustrated, in pain, orangry.

5. Pray:Read prayers aloud if the person agrees. Pray silently if not.

Sister Elizabeth is attached to the Diocesan Center of the Midwest and is conducting a ministry to the sick and shut-ins of the Chicago Diocese